Well, I'll cut to the chase.
Working with the natural features, wooded areas and so on,
there's enough room for 12 holes.
Awesome! Yeah! That's loads.
Yeah. A full-size golf course is 18 holes.
At most you'd get 15 holes if they were all par 3s.
THEY LAUGH
Is three not a good par?
You need par 3s, 4s and 5s.
Right, what about bogies?
Bogies aren't... The point is there isn't enough
room for a full-size golf course so the company won't be interested.
Unless you can find some more land?
PHONE BUZZES
Annabel! What can I do for you?
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
GENERAL CHATTER
Ha! About time! We've missed the main headlines.
Anything could have happened. Can we not watch Friends?
Or Is It Cake?
Brownies are in the oven. Yes!
Warm brownies, fresh coffee. Butter up, Barclay. Ugh.
Careful there are ghosts.
We're just going to soften him up! D'you think it's going to work?
Yeah, I mean, it has to. We need him.
Well, I was thinking I was going to start on the nursery before
he comes, just clear out the... Shush, shush! What, what, what?
Can we just leave it for now?
It's just the cot and the changing table are coming soon.
They've actually already arrived. Well, there you go.
I'd love you to, it's just need to clear it with you know who.
Don't know who, still can't see them.
It's Lady Button, I need to get her on side or I will never hear the end of this.
What's the big deal? She's moved rooms before.
No, but she loves this one.
OK. David Cream? What's he doing on the news?
NEWSREADER: The late Labour peer,
former Minister for Education at a ceremony earlier today...
Ha! What did he ever do?
..because of his tireless work for orphaned children,
ensuring that some of the most vulnerable
children across the globe had access to health care and education.
Pah.
Erm, what's this for, this blue plaque?
Well, it's a sort of posthumous tribute that adorns
the location of significance in the life of the celebrated individual.
So for example, the birthplace of Guy Fawkes,
or where Shakespeare wrote Macbeth, they can be for anyone,
as long as they're important...
..and dead.
..and if we could get that room, it would be so much easier.
Hang on, you said the nursery stuff's been delivered. Yeah.
Where'd you put it? Safe.
What? The safe.
What? The walk-in safe.
We have a walk-in safe? How did I not know that? Where is it?
What? It's at the bottom of the stairs, if you turn right.
Well, I never turn right at the bottom of the stairs.
You never turn right at the bottom of the stairs? Never need to.
All the rooms I use are to the left.
Well, that's why you didn't know we have a walk-in safe.
Sick.
I'm sure I told you about this when we moved in.
Nah! I would have remembered this.
We should keep our valuables in here.
BOTH: We don't have any valuables. Yeah!
What's up there?
Hm. Don't know.
What's in it?
Oh, wow!
Just some old books. Let me see.
Ooh!
Ohh! Oh, my goodness.
EVERYONE TALKING
OK, shush, everyone! Shush it! OK, come on. Gather round.
Right, it's Fanny's turn to choose a song this week.
So, Fanny, what are we singing today?
On an Old Rugged Cross.
GROANING Not again!
Kitty had the same song twice.
But your song is so boring!
Yeah, I have to admit, it's no Reach for the Stars.
Thank you! I'm just saying I do fit the bill!
This was the site of my dramatic demise!
A blossoming talent cut down all too soon.
Come off it! No-one even knew who you were!
I was actually famous, I once went on the Big Breakfast.
Met Shaggy. Eh!
If Guy Fawkes has one, I should have one.
I was involved in a plot to overthrow the Queen.
Right! Shush, everyone, now let's begin...
# On a hill far away...
# Stood an old rugged cross
# The emblem of... #
Kitty, look what I found!
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Is it cake?
Erm, no, Kitty, not everything is cake.
Some things are secretly cake. No, look, here.
It's the household accounts from your family's time.
And here, on this day, there's loads of stuff,
was there a party or something? Yes.
Ooh, how fun! LAUGHTER
It was my wake.
ALL: Oh! Sorry.
No, that's fine, go back to the 8th.
Erm...
Wait, but isn't that...?
Pineapple Day!
I thought that was the day you... ..died?
Well, yes, but that's not how I remember it.
For me, it will always be the first and only time I ate a pineapple.
Oh. There doesn't seem to be a pineapple on the ledger.
That's because it was a gift.
STRINGS PLAY
Father held a lunch for Lord Bummenbach,
who had recently returned from the Americas.
GENERAL CONVERSATION
A little something from our travels!
THEY GASP
Oh, my!
May I touch it? Please.
Ow! It's prickly!
Well of course it is, stupid!
FORCED LAUGHTER
EVERYONE LAUGHS
Oh, my!
It was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted!
It's such a shame I died.
I would have loved to taste it again.
So what happened to you?
Oh, I fell asleep.
Fell asleep?
Yes, Father had it written on my gravestone.
"Katherine Higham fell asleep 8th March 1780..."
I think that's something people just put on gravestones.
Oh, it can happen, Alison.
Some people do just die.
My mate Ken fell down dead during a penalty shoot out.
He saved it. Hm.
Can I watch Is It Cake now?
Yeah, you can. Yeah, I'll come and put it on.
Imagine if they do a pineapple!
LAUGHTER
Erm, are we buying it?
ALL: No. Of course not!
And we all know her sister had the motive.
The inheritance, good point. Hmm!
Well, good luck convincing Kitty.
You can't just decide Eleanor's guilty
because she wasn't nice to Kitty, you haven't got any evidence.
Alison! Coming!
Uh! What are you keeping in there?
Nothing really.
I'm thinking I could turn it into a bar.
Call it Safe.
Safe? Safe, yeah. Get you over...
That'd be it actually. Oh, you know what? You could record in there!
Yeah! Is it sound proof?
Wait.
All right. Make some noise.
# Got a little safe!
# Got a little safe at ours...
SQUEAKING
DOOR BANGS # Got a little safe! #
Hm! Yeah, it is. # Safe! I got a little safe in ours
# Found a little safe at ours... DOOR BANGS AND SHUTS
Mike, it is. # Got a little safe...
Mike! # Safe, safe... #
MIKE! DOOR BANGS
BELL RINGS
How is this a whole programme? People just guessing...
Oh, my God, that is definitely the cake.
Which one?
Two! I mean, it's like, it's too shiny.
Wait. Is it four? BELL RINGS
Mike, are you getting that?
Where were you?
Singing in the safe. What?
Barclay! Come on in.
I think your bell might be malfunctioning. Hm.
I baked some brownies.
No, thanks, I'm on a diet.
So, you're saying if I sell my top fields,
that would facilitate the sale of your land?
Yeah, exactly. Which of course would be very handy with the baby coming.
Yeah, yeah! And it's the far side of both our estates,
so we'd hardly be disturbed.
Oh, I don't mind all that, might even join the club myself.
No, I think it all sounds rather appealing.
No reason not to do it.
Amazing!
Just one thing I would say...
Hmm?
You don't use that land, whereas I do.
So I need to price it accordingly.
What do you use it for?
Farming.
Mm.
I've never seen any... It's fallow. Ah.
Crop rotation, you see.
In order to keep the nutrients in the soil,
they have to lie fallow for...
How long have you lived here?
Five years. Yes, five years, exactly.
So next year, we're meant to be sowing the new crop.
Mangelwurzel. So I'm open to the possibility.
All I'm saying is maybe a fair split is...
Mmmm...
..80/20?
If you'll excuse us for a moment?
Hm. Of course.
He's a total... Look, he's trying it on, but he hasn't said no.
And he hasn't said no because he knows it's too good to pass up.
Yeah! We just need to go back in there and negotiate.
OK. All right. Well good luck. What?
Yeah, you've gotta do this. Not me!
Yeah! I can't. Yeah! You know me,
I shake hands as soon as they're offered.
No, you're going to have to, Mike.
The guy's a dinosaur. He's not going to negotiate with a woman.
He doesn't want to be "beaten by a girl".
All right. All right. Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, I've got this.
I'm going to deal with you know who.
Lady Button.
Hm. All right.
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Erm...
SHE SIGHS LOUDLY
Oh, man, which one? It's so...
Must you hum and fuss, so?
Make yourself useful at least and turn this page.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Yeah, just... You know, thinking about rooms for this nursery.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm just trying to work out which room's best.
You know there's so many to choose from.
I know just the room, follow me.
OK.
But our bedroom is the other end of the house.
We wouldn't be able to hear the baby cry. Exactly.
It's at the other end of the house,
you wouldn't be able to hear the baby cry. Erm.
I think we're more sort of wanting to be close by?
Oh, right...
Well...
Erm...
Wow!
Let's consider the facts here.
Yes, the fact is a blue plaque would be wasted on a two-bit...
No, no, no, no, no! Not that! We're talking about Kitty.
Oh! Yes, right! Hmm! Yeah!
Hmm!
She hasn't got a mark on her and that rules out a number of options.
Yes, some of us are rather an open book, death-wise.
Tell me about it. No comment.
So we're looking for something that
can kill you without leaving a trace.
Poison.
That bitch!
Hang on a minute.
I was in the kitchen that day, I saw everyone who came and went.
BUSTLE AND NOISE
Got any plates?
Cooks, porters, maids, even their children.
And Eleanor never came in.
Ah!
In fact, if I recall...
..the food was all prepared for serving at the table.
To be shared by everyone.
So you'd have no chance of poisoning an individual,
without getting everyone.
Except...
..the posset puddings. They were individual.
The only person to handle those between the kitchen
and table was young Polly.
But she had no motive, she, she liked Kitty.
Cos Kitty was kind to her when Eleanor lost her temper
and chided her.
Bitch!
But is it possible she prescribed a poisoned posset for Eleanor
that somehow found its way onto Kitty's place?
Ah, we can't rule it out.
It's not much to go on though, is it?
Who else was there that day?
Well, Mary and Annie aren't here to ask.
We need to speak to Robin!
Ahhh!
Well, yeah, I mean, if we were to...
Oh, Alison, quick question. Can it wait?
Blue plaques. How do you apply?
Because if Cream gets one, I don't see why I couldn't...
If anyone in this house deserves a blue plaque, it's me.
I was the subject of a documentary, so...
No-one's even heard of those two, tell them Alison.
I don't know.
There's no debate... I'm an MP! A cabinet minister!
Royal coup, anyone?
All right, OK. Look, I'll apply.
And I'll send them the history of the house and then it's up to them.
Yeah, fine, it's all we are asking for. OK. Yeah, OK. Works for me, elegant solution.
Come along, you three!
She really is the most wonderful person!
You said yourself, you've got no problem in principle.
Well, that's out of generosity to you, it's not like I'd choose
to have an eyesore on my doorstep.
You don't have to worry about that,
I mean if anything it'll be prettier than before. Hmm!
They gave us pictures of what it would look, actually.
Hmm! Can't find my phone...
Oh! I know where it is, one sec.
I know what a golf course looks like.
The point is, it has to be worth my while.
The bureaucracy, the disruption, the red tape.
I'm trying to help you get this over the line, Mike.
Ooh, I say, a walk-in safe.
That is a curious old thing.
Ironic to have all this space for valuables when you're
so strapped you need to sell away your land.
Yeah. Look, I know what you're doing Barclay.
You're lowballing us because you know we're desperate.
That's not dry wall, that's solid.
Look!
DOOR SQUEAKS
You know this deal suits you,
but you can't resist working our situation to your own advantage.
Not exactly wise to insult the person you're trying to do
business with.
I think I'll be off, now, if it's all the same to you.
HE SIGHS
RATTLING
That wasn't supposed to come off, was it?
No.
Help! HE BANGS DOOR
Help!
Help! Alison! Let us out! Alison! He...
SOUND CUTS OFF
Right! Hm...
These are all close to our room.
But I'm thinking not one of the bigger rooms,
just so it's nice and cosy.
What about this one? Well, I'm thinking... Yes!
Could be just right. Hm.
Ah! Silly me, this is the Captain's room isn't it?
Hm. Right. And do,
do you think he wouldn't move?
Well, it is his room, Alison. Hm.
There are plenty of others in the house.
But...I don't know, if you were him
and this was the perfect room for the baby, do you think you...
..you could be persuaded to move?
Have you thought about actually asking him? Erm, I...
..no. I think...
I'm actually thinking this room gets the sun in the morning,
and I think it might wake the baby up a bit early so...
Yep, let's keep looking.
Ah, Robin. We've been looking everywhere for you.
Huh? Oh, yeah?
Would you mind answering a few questions for us?
OK. Take a seat.
Where were you on the 8th March 1780?
I want my lawyer.
You're not a suspect, man, you've been dead for thousands of years.
I mean it's not as if you've killed anyone.
Yeah.
It's Kitty's death we're investigating.
We believe there was foul play.
Perhaps you can tell us what you recall of the day?
Day Kitty died? What day was that?
Lord Bummenbach came for lunch.
There was a big do. Yeah. It sounded like a pretty memorable day.
Mmm, I think I was outside most that day.
Hm.
Did you see anything unusual?
Anything that could be a clue, even if
it didn't seem suspicious at the time.
Hmm, where you come from, little guy?
Only one who went outside that day was Eleanor.
She went to pick things from her herb garden.
Herb garden? Herb Garden! Yeah, she grow all kind of things.
Sage, arrow root, mint, deadly nightshade...
ALL: Deadly nightshade?!
..rosemary, thyme...
In fact...
..I remember she took one of her herbal teas to Kitty that day.
I think it's time we spoke to Katherine.
ALL: Hm...
Annabel! I told you, it's sound proof. Call her on the phone!
It's out there. She'll find us eventually.
Are you sure? Well, she'll notice that we're gone and...
And what? Look in the safe?
Why would she think we're in here?
I don't know. It's so hot.
Are you hot?
It is warm.
I can't breathe.
What if there's no air, Michael? We need to get out!
Calm down. Let's just stay calm.
We just need to, to pass the time and keep our spirits up, all right?
Yes. All right. Yeah.
Let's play I spy.
MUSIC FROM TV
It can't be... Oh, my gosh, it's cake!
SHE LAUGHS Hah hah! Knock-knock.
Hello. Hello, everyone. Hiya. All right?
Katherine!
Hah, erm, I was just saying it was fascinating to hear about
Pineapple Day earlier.
Yeah. Very lovely to hear about the old memories.
Ahem...
And...
Goodness, that looks like real leather, it can't possibly be cake.
THEY MOAN
Oh. Yes! HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
We were just wondering what else you remember about that day?
Robin seemed to recall Eleanor
bringing you herbal tea, is that right?
She used to bring me herbal tea quite often actually.
Guilty! I bloody knew it! Told ya! Case closed!
What?
She was systematically poisoning you, Katherine.
For the inheritance.
Bee-atch.
Thomas, you have got to stop listening to gangster rap.
But it's poetry! The most raw and passionate I've ever heard.
I don't remember Eleanor bringing me tea that day.
Ah.
We were too busy having fun to take tea.
Oh?
We were quite giddy.
We even played hide and seek between courses!
You should have consulted me.
You will enjoy the proceeds well enough.
If word got out, we'd be imprisoned.
Or worse!
Calm yourself, Pessenpugh!
As far as the crown is concerned,
we've just been awfully unlucky with pirates.
FLOORBOARD CREAKS
Excuse me, my Lords, I was playing hide and seek with my sister.
They seemed displeased, but they did not chide me at all, thank goodness.
My word.
I know.
It's so realistic I can't believe my eyes.
Another round? I don't want to play hangman any more.
I'm so hungry I feel like my stomach is eating itself.
She'll be here soon.
She has to be.
Good God, I hope you're right.
Hang on.
Yes!
Hallelujah! Oh, Hosannah!
Thank you.
The attic rooms aren't suitable, you won't consider the east wing, you've
ruled out all the others so unless you can think of something else...
Hm. Yeah, OK. So just to recap. Mike and I were thinking,
this side of the house, close to our bedroom, not too big, north...
Where's your spunk?
What? Where's your spunk?
Erm. When you first arrived in this house, you were full of spunk.
OK, all right, can we stop saying...
Too much spunk if anything.
You rolled up your sleeves
and did everything you could to make a life for yourself here.
And I always admired that about you, Alison.
If you want my room, you only have to ask.
Please can we have your room for the nursery?
Yes! That's the spunk I like.
Thank you so much, that is... I shall take Julian's room.
And you can see to it that he finds another, right?
They were stealing.
And from the King!
They couldn't let a witness walk away from that.
So it was Bummenbach and Pessenpugh?
Well, we can't rule out Polly with the posset.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh! We have multiple suspects, Alison.
It was the Lords... Kitty heard them showing off about...
Polly was trying to bump off Eleanor
and Kitty ate the wrong pudding.
Oh, come off it! Eleanor grew deadly nightshade in the garden!
Robin saw her take Kitty a tea that morning.
I..I..I never said it was morning.
It was later.
What?
Anything else you haven't mentioned?
Well, I was bit distracted that day.
I spent most of it watching a spider.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
It was beautiful. Had a little orange stripe on the back.
Killed a goose.
A little something from our travels!
THEY GASP
Oh, my! May I touch it?
Please.
Ow! It's prickly!
Well, of course it is, stupid!
ECHOING LAUGHTER
I have made a tea to settle her sto...
She is worse, Eleanor! I am sending for the doctor!
Kitty.
Can you hear me?
I brought you a tea.
Well, you must wake up before it gets cold, do you hear?
I am sorry, Kitty.
Since mother and father made you my sister,
I haven't always been kind to you.
I thought that you had taken something from me.
But in truth, you took nothing and only gave.
Stay with me, let me be a sister to you.
Like the sister you are to me.
ALL SHOUTING: Kitty. Kitty! Ah, she's here. Come on!
Kitty, your sister didn't kill you!
I know she didn't silly, I told you that.
May I take your hands?
Are you going to kiss them?
There. Clear as day. Ah!
Yes. What?
Kitty, you were bitten by a spider.
A spider?
It must have been on Bummenbach's pineapple,
that's what you felt when you held it.
I was bitten by a spider.
Like Peter Parker?
Yes, if Peter Parker had just gone to sleep
and died instead of turning into Spider-Man, hmm.
I'm sorry, Kitty.
You were just unlucky that you picked up the pineapple first.
Or lucky, I suppose, depending on which way you look at it.
How can that possibly be lucky?
Well, Eleanor is Alison's ancestor.
So if she'd picked it up first, then Alison wouldn't be here.
Nor would I.
My God, nor I!
No, you would still. Yes, no, you're right.
What's in these boxes, anyway?
Cot. Changing table.
Baby stuff.
Ah. I'll bet you're excited.
Yeah.
Actually, I'm scared.
I don't know if I can...
I nearly got hit by lightning last year, I got stuck on the roof
a couple of years before that, and now I've locked myself in a safe.
How am I going to look after a baby when I can barely look after myself?
I'm sure you're going to be a great dad.
You'll be fun.
You don't have to be perfect.
Nobody is.
You just have to love them.
Thank you.
When they make you proud, tell them.
There you are! What... What are you doing?
Thank goodness, Annabel. Hey.
Do you have water? Erm...
How did you... Don't ask.
We thought you might never come.
How long has it been?
Like an hour and a half?
What?!
Oh.
I don't suppose you came to an agreement about the land?
Um, I don...
As a matter of fact, yes - 50/50?
You didn't have to give me half of that wagon wheel, Mike, but you did.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go home and tell Bunny I love her.
I had a wagon wheel in my pocket.
It's not going to work Kitty!
I just need to practise!
EVERYONE TALKS
Ahem! Guys, I've got something to show you.
I received a letter from the English Heritage people.
They have approved Button House for a blue plaque!
ALL: Finally! Yes! Ooh-hoo!
And it will say...
Wait for it. Here it comes. Get ready to eat humble pie.
"Henry VIII dined here 1546."
Mm. Mm. Well, I thought you'd be like that.
So...
..I made some of our own.
THEY EXCLAIM
Well, who cares about blue plaques, anyway?
I don't really want to be reminded of that now I think about it.
Kitty.
MUTTERING IN BACKGROUND
Time to choose!
Ah! It's cake!