Good morning, gentlemen. We are officially beginning
launch sequence for Condor 4
rocket simulator.
How's the weather out there, Cap?
We are good-- weather is excellent for launch.
[chuckles] Good thing you didn't pack your umbrella.
[chuckles] Copy that.
Chris, you want to chime in on any of this?
It would be great to have your feedback here.
Confirming it's a beautiful day.
Cap, how's the visuals out there? Over.
I'll tell you what, we got one gorgeous Condor 4 rocket
standing by on the launchpad.
[Rook] Permission to arm boosters.
[Skip] And approved.
Rocket booster... armed.
Launch sequence beginning in T-minus nine,
-eight, -nine,
-seven, -eight,
-six, five-- -seven,
-let's give the same thing-- -six,
-four... -five...
-five, four... -Stand by. Let's synch up.
-[Skip] Abort. Abort. -three...
-Stand by, Cap. -We're not doing ten?
I'm gonna count down "three, two, one,"
and then we go... "nine, eight,
-seven." I'm gonna count-- -Just press it.
No, we are not gonna just press it.
[Rook] On my command,
-and then we begin the "ni--" -V, V, Victor, V, V, zero.
[Cap] Victor-Victor-Victor- Henry-Zero.
Preflight launch codes initiated.
Okay, beginning from "three, two, one."
-Launching. -No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah!
And she's up!
-Oh, oh, ooh... -No, no!
Ooh!
We've lost Condor 4!
It's right here.
-Christopher hit his knee. -No, I'm fine.
We're gonna have you looked at.
I'm fine. Seriously.
upbeat music
[Rook] Look-look here. See that?
Looks like someone forgot to adjust the left stabilizer.
[groans] So, it looks like somebody forgot
to adjust the left stabilizer.
-Well, live and learn. -[chuckling]
-Exactly. Live and learn. -That's what Christopher
-is always talking about. Yeah. -I was just about to say that.
All right, so let's do an action team.
-Let's figure out what happened. -Oh, I, um, I got to get going.
They're picking me up in, like, an hour.
Oh. It's that late? Yeah. You're shipping out,
-aren't you? -I know.
-It was great to meet you guys. -Oh, good to meet you.
Yeah. I would've missed looking you in the eye, that's for sure.
-Yeah. -Come here.
Oh, all right. Short but sweet, short but sweet.
-All right. -Chris. Up here, bud.
-Yeah. -All right.
That guy was just here for a week.
-We've been up here 535 days. -535?
No, no. I've been keeping count.
It's 643, including today.
[Rook] No, no. Definitely over 600,
but we're not that high.
-It's not over 600. -But we started in June,
and we're in August now.
You're counting two Augusts.
-30 days hath September, -Mm...
-always remember... -[Rook] It doesn't matter.
The point is, we've been here way too long.
I mean, look at all the other people
that have come through here-- Alisha-- how long was she here?
Three days? Christopher went up.
Andy went up.
The guy from Germany, uh... Ralph?
-What was it, Rowlf? Ralph? -Rowlf.
I thought he was n... not a good pick.
I thought he was great.
I mean, everyone's talking about going to the next level.
When are we gonna go to the next level?
-Maybe we're never going up. -Guys...
take a big fat chill pill,
with this kind of attitude.
Of course we're going up to the Moon.
Well, I don't think it would be out of bounds to write to NASA
and request some clarity.
So, you want to poke the bear?
I don't want to poke the bear.
I just want to sort of send a little reminder--
Ah, you write an unsolicited letter to NASA,
you're poking the bear, and if you're gonna poke the bear,
you better be ready to really get that bear's attention.
Got to jab that bear.
-Dear NASA... -"Dear NASA"?
What is this, a love letter?
Hit 'em. "To whom it may concern," exclamation point.
[Rook] You don't need an explanation point there.
You just... you either put a colon or a comma.
-Hey. -No.
-What are you up to? -Hmm.
That's too soft.
Be direct, at least.
Uh, okay.
We are...
demanding-- and in parenthesis--
[high-pitched] Sorry.
-Why do you...? -An update on our status.
-There you go. -On our status.
-[hooves rumbling] -Is that, uh... You see that...
-[neighing] -Looks like...
-horses out there. -What?
[hooves rumbling, automatic gunfire]
Oh, yeah, we got armed riders out there.
Uh, clean that up and send it, will you?
Hello.
-[neighing] -Come on out.
[chuckles] What is it, Halloween?
That's your costume?
You're trick-or-treating or what?
-Hey, boys. -[gunfire]
-What are you doing? -Easy, Kyle.
-Cool down, boy. -[laughs] Sorry, boss.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
-Hello. -We help you?
You're on our land, mister.
-I need you to clear out. -[Cap] You guys are actually
on federal land right now.
This is a very valuable NASA research project.
I don't think so, Moon man.
Here's a map. Read it.
We're gonna have a cattle run through here
in a couple of days, and I'm gonna tell you
what's gonna happen.
250,000 head of cattle gonna come up that road
right there, and they gonna be whooped up,
and they gonna start a stampede.
So I suggest you clear the hell out.
[Cap] Excuse me, sir.
We've worked very hard, just recently
-moving the base-- -Well, if you'd left
your dumb base where it was, we'd have no problem.
-But you're in our way now. -[Kyle] Yeah!
-We're not armed. -[Rook] Stop shooting!
-Why is he firing a gun? -Kyle!
-[Cap] Are you hit? -I'm not hit, no.
-He's firing into the air. -Am I hit?
No, you're clean.
[T-Boy] If anything happens to this herd,
you break it,
you bought it.
If you ain't got any cash to pay for it...
we'll figure out some other method of payment.
What's that supposed to mean?
-This is scientific. -It was a threat.
Hyah! Clear out, boys!
[Kyle] See you, boys! Hyah!
-[Cap] What do we got? -These coordinates. Let's see.
Yeah, we moved the base
right onto their land and the cattle pass.
Shit! [sighs]
I mean, should we tell NASA about the ranchers?
No! We just sent them a nasty letter about a status update!
Now we're gonna tell them we have cow troubles?
They're never gonna let us go to the Moon.
Well, can we rewrite the letter?
No, we sent it!
Well, maybe we should move the base.
I mean, we should just go back to our original location, no?
-No, no, no, we're not moving! -No way.
That move almost killed me!
And the stupid cattle drive's in 48 hours!
I think we should just abandon the base
and just get out of here.
-[exasperated grunt] -[Rook] You guys,
we are sitting ducks here, do you understand that?
If we hurt one of their cows with our equipment out there,
they're gonna come to you with that M16. [imitates gunfire]
[imitates gunfire]
No, no, no, no! Calm down!
We got to... Just give me a second to think!
suspenseful music, growing louder
[yells]
[insects trilling]
[Rook] Cap? You okay, man?
Hey, Rook.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Have a seat.
You're not wearing your helmet.
Yeah, I know.
You can take yours off if you want.
You sure?
Eh, doesn't matter.
Come up with any good ideas, Cap?
No.
I'm just sitting here looking up at what might have been.
I moved us. That's on me.
Tomorrow, we'll call it in and pack it up.
[scoffs]
Then it's back to Honolulu for me
and a world of debt. [chuckles]
Back to passing out airsick bags
to tourists on a chopper.
Well, it's been a pleasure to get to know you.
We'll keep in touch.
Nah, we won't.
I'm a lone wolf, Rook.
One heck of a ride.
You a crescent man or a full moon freak?
I guess I'll take her any way she comes.
-Hmm. -Try to stay away from
the full moon, though, right, with all the curses and evil?
Yeah, that's, uh... that's make-believe, Rook.
[chuckles] Maybe. We'll see.
Mm-hmm.
Man, I always said the first place I'd go
when I got up there was Cribbit's Peak.
-[chuckles] -And then Armstrong's Ridge.
Yep.
But you can't always get what you want.
-[chuckles] -Just like the Beatles said.
Can't always get what you want, but all...
what you need is... all you need is love
or something like that.
I don't know how the rest of it goes.
somber music
[muttering]
-What's with him? -Cap's calling it.
We're heading out.
Tomorrow, we pack up and go home.
-What? -Yeah.
Oh, man.
-Yep. -[sighs]
I'm glad my father isn't alive to see this.
Oh, Skip, you know he's looking down on us, knowing that we made
the right decision, even though it was a tough one.
Oh, well. I guess I'll just go back to JPL,
back to tracking satellites.
Bet you they'll put me on the graveyard shift,
which I don't mind.
Give me a chance to work on that screenplay.
-Really? -Mm-hmm. About this experience.
Oh, really? Is this gonna become a movie?
-Mm-hmm. -Hey, make sure my character
doesn't swear, all right?
Actually, I was thinking of combining
you and Cap's parts together.
-That's one character. -Oh.
Well, if you end up casting somebody for me,
maybe we could think of somebody a little better-looking than me.
-[laughs] -Brad Pitt or something.
-Dax Shepard. -We'll see.
-Hey, that's up to someone else. -Mm-hmm.
You know? I just want to write a screenplay, get it done,
-get it out there. -Well, you know, uh,
the move is you write the memoir first, and then you get somebody
to translate that into a screenplay.
Seems like that's just an extra step.
Why don't I just write a screenplay?
Well, you're the expert.
I'll let you make those decisions.
Either way, I'll be praying for you, Skip.
I'm gonna hit the sack.
-I'll see you tomorrow. -See you tomorrow.
Uh, it's too bad your brains
couldn't get us out of this mess.
Would've made a good ending for your movie.
somber music
[sighs]
[bull bellowing]
[Cap] Hey, Skip.
What's up?
Hey. Have a seat.
We're not gonna give up.
Look, Skip, we're out of options.
It's over.
I've got another idea.
I have a question for you.
Just off the top of your head.
-You know bulls, right? -Yeah.
They're mean animals.
But like anything, they're afraid of something, right?
-Mm-hmm. -Don't you think?
What might they be afraid of? A bull?
Oh. Well, butchers.
Butchers, yes. Why?
-Because... they cut them up... -They don't want... Yeah.
...and they kill them and stuff.
Like, they don't want people killing them. Cap.
Children who are noisy. Noisy children?
Noisy children, sure. Well, let's just say "noises."
-Yes. -Leather manufacturers.
All right, so do you think... How would a bull recognize,
uh, a leather plant or a leather factory?
You remember the cartoon where you have the tailor come out
to the-the farm with... and-and put out the measuring tape?
I never in my life have seen a cartoon
where they were measuring for a leather jacket.
What-what cartoon was that?
I don't know. Uh, it was in the comics.
I'm not gonna write down "a leather manufacturer." Yes.
Uh, shoe manufacturers?
-Shoes-shoes are leather, so... -Right. But, Cap,
now you're kind of just going with Rook, right?
You're just adding to his idea.
[exhales]
Cap. You can put your arm down.
Um, red. The color red.
Red. Why? You're thinking of a matador, right?
-In Spain? -Yeah.
Here's a little fact.
Bulls don't see the color red.
What?
It's not the color. It's the movement of the cape.
hypnotic music
We've got this herd of cattle, right?
What we want to do is what a matador does.
Do we have anything that creates noise and movement?
A big noise?
Our Condor model rockets.
-[Cap] Hmm. -Explosions. Noise.
-Okay. -Creating a diver...
...sity.
-Diversity. -Diversion.
-We are creating a diversion. -Oh.
If we explode one right here,
they go around.
Then what?
Launch number two right here.
It scares them, they keep going down around the base.
How are we gonna know the herd is coming our way?
It has to be timed perfectly if it's gonna work.
The drone. Cap, you think you can fly it?
If it's got a propeller, I can get her airborne.
I'm not saying it's gonna be pretty,
but I can get her up there.
[Rook] Drone provides a bird's-eye view.
-Smart. -[Skip] Right.
We are not damaged, and the cattle are safe.
I think this is gonna work.
Let's get those rockets set up.
upbeat music
Hey, Cap, you get the hang of that drone?
Well, she's no Twin Huey, but she'll do.
[chuckles]
Okay. We're all set.
[Rook] Now what?
-[Cap grunts] -Now we wait.
Here you go.
-[Skip] Cheers. -Got to be honest,
I'm feeling a little nervous.
[Cap] You know what we do in the military when we're nervous?
We listen to psych-up music.
And I think that's something we should start
thinking about right now.
[Rook] You mean, like, a little soundtrack
-for the big mission tomorrow. -Exactly.
What kind of music are we gonna want to be listening to
during the mission that's gonna give us the courage
and the blind fury to get this done?
We should do something kind of orchestral, you know?
Like a film score, like a Wagner or Beethoven.
[Cap] The best thing for me is urgent,
driving music.
-You know? -Like what? Wh-What's--
[mimicking heavy drumbeat]
You know, you'd be surprised how kind of heavy
some of the Christian rock gets.
What about, like, just some squanky free jazz?
You know? Just... [high-pitched scatting]
That music makes me feel uncomfortable. The--
What about Spanish rock?
-You know? -Spanish rock?
[mimicking upbeat guitar riff]
[singing in Spanish]
Well, as long as it doesn't distract
-from the mission, right? -Right.
Yeah. And the mission is,
get those cows away from our base.
somber, suspenseful music
[insects chirping]
[wind whistling]
[clears throat]
[sniffles]
[low rumble]
[rumbling continues]
The cows! The cows!
They're coming!
-What? -What's he saying?
He said something about the cows.
Oh, they're too early.
No, they're not early. They're here!
[Rook] They can't be here already.
-Are you kidding? -Get your comms on, guys.
Let's go. It's go time.
Whoever promised you a rose garden was lying.
All right, starting music playlist now.
-[heavy music playing] -Turn it up, please.
-Turning up. -[volume increases]
All right, let's get that drone up.
Yep, on it.
And we are... up, uh...
Where are my cows?
Where are my cow...? There you are.
All right, I've got visual confirmation of the herd
500 meters out.
Stand by.
Can we skip this track? Confirm.
Can we skip this track?
I like the bass, but...
-No, skip it. Skip it. Skip it. -Okay. Skipping.
[upbeat, Spanish-language music plays]
Look at them charging. Holy cow.
No pun intended.
[Rook] Can I get a tally? I would like to officially
skip this song. It's driving me nuts.
If you're not inspired by the song, skip it.
-Advancing track. -[horns play chaotic riff]
No. That sucks.
[Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" plays]
Stay frosty, boys. 300 meters and closing.
-Arm those rockets. -Arming rockets.
[Cap] They're coming in hot, guys.
Here we go.
[Cap] Five meters out. Take the shot!
-Not yet! -I'm telling you,
we're within five meters!
Now! Launch!
-Rocket One, fire away! -[beep]
Visual confirmation. Rocket One away.
-[Rook whoops] -[Cap] Yeah, they are reacting.
Oh, they did not like that.
Turning to the right.
[Skip] Fire Rocket Two.
Rocket Two, fire away.
[Cap] Rocket Two away!
They are continuing their turn.
-Yes! [claps] -You see that curve?
Don't celebrate just yet.
-Advancing track. -[pop rock plays]
Do we like this track? I need a quick vote.
[Cap] I like... I like the beat.
It's a great melody. Hold on.
She's My Disney princess...
What is this song? I don't know it.
I don't... I didn't put this on. You put this on.
Yeah, not my favorite. You got any rockabilly?
-I'm hitting "shuffle"! -[classical music plays]
All right, couple more. Uh, fire rocket again.
Rocket Three, fire!
-Nope. -What?
No. No Rocket Three. Malfunction.
-Resetting trigger! -[beeping]
-Rook, please fire. -I'm firing!
I'm hitting the fire!
-Rook, fire it! -I'm firing!
-It's not working! -They're turning back!
-Check the... Come on! -Let's go!
lively, suspenseful music
Fire!
Fire? Fire!
-Yeah, Three's away. -Yes!
-Is it holding? -It's working, it's working.
-They're diverting. -Come on!
-They're diverting. -One more to go. Whoa.
Oh, wow, they are right outside the base.
-Whoa, we are in the eye. -Oh-oh, my goodness.
-We are in the eye! -I know that.
-We're in it! -Whoa-ho-ho!
It's like an earthquake.
Do not change your mind, cows.
-All right, guys! -Keep going!
All right, we need that last rocket.
We need that tap on the ass.
Last rocket standing by.
Give me the order, Skip.
[rumbling, mooing]
No, whenever you want.
Firing at will!
[beep, whoosh]
-Away! -And there's a tap on the ass!
[mooing, rumbling continue]
-Cap, visuals. -We're good.
-We're good. They're gone! -[whooping]
They're gone!
-[Skip] We're fine? -We're clear!
-Skip! Cap, you saved the base! -We did it!
[laughter]
Skip, you beautiful bastard!
[loud clattering]
What the heck was that?
-What? -Oh, man.
-Are you kidding me? -[sighs]
Are you kidding me?
-He broke the whole wall. -[Rook] Shoot!
-Is that one of their cows? -Yes, it's one of their cows.
It's not one of our cows.
-You got to get out of here. -Got to get out of here. Shoo!
-Come on, girl. -They come back and find
that we've been harboring a cow, we're in deep trouble.
-Yeah. -Will you please leave?
Tsh, tsh!
-[whistling] -Ooh, git, ooh.
Tsh, tsh! Tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh.
[Cap] Should I just try to push her out?
[Rook] You can try.
Are those ranchers around?
[straining]
[Rook] That's about two tons
you're trying to move there, Cap.
-Yeah. -Let me double up on you.
[straining]
-She's just a heavy cow. -Yeah, yeah.
Can't get her. Can't get her to turn.
-Look at this. It's a mess. -[Rook] Listen, I don't see
any cowboys right now, so for now we're safe.
We have a cow now.
I guess. Yeah.
Let's fix up that wall.
Yeah, we got to repair all of that.
atmospheric music
[birds chirping]
[Cap] Any sign of those ranchers?
No.
[grunts, exhales]
Is that cow still in the greenhouse?
Yeah. You should hear what Rook wants to do with it, too.
-Yeah? -Where's Cap?
Cap? Hey! Cap.
I know what to do with that cow.
Okay, calm down. I'm right here.
That out there is a milk cow, a real heifer.
-Really? -It's got an udder full of milk.
How can you tell?
She's got the-the little nipples, the little teats.
You just got to squeeze on the nips,
and you get some fresh, hot milk.
-Mmm. -I think this is a blessing.
I think the Lord sent that cow.
Wait a second.
You're saying we keep this cow?
-Yes, and milk her. For milk. -[Skip] It seems crazy.
I mean, if those cowboys come back, they're going to kill us.
I don't know. Finders keepers.
That's the law of the land.
Yeah, and she's in the greenhouse.
You can't even see her from the road.
[Cap] And once she's done
giving us milk, we use her for meat.
Get some nice, juicy steaks
-out of that cow. -I don't know about that.
You think you can get some milk out of those teats?
-I can try. -Go on.
I'm gonna go squirt her.
Do we have any A.1.?
Can't have steak without A.1.
I'm trying to work out.
- gentle piano music -[Cap] Wow!
-Hey, guys. -Look at that!
-Look at you! -[Rook chuckles]
-Farmer Rook! -[laughing]
Look at this old girl.
Your friends just left you here, huh?
Forgot all about you, just like NASA forgot about us.
Well, I'm getting a full gallon out of her today, guys.
-[Cap] Yeah? -Yeah, I'm thinking
about calling her Queenie. What do you think of that?
-Queenie. Nice. -I like it.
Just don't get too attached, 'cause once she dries up,
we're getting some good meat out of her.
-[moos] -I wouldn't get too attached
to that idea, Cap.
We're... She's a milk cow, and...
I think she's gonna be giving us milk for years to come.
gentle orchestral music
[Cap] I got to say, Rook,
that is definitely better than the powdered stuff.
[chuckles] Just nothing quite like the real thing.
And next week, steak and eggs!
Well, I don't know about that.
-[automatic gunfire] -[Rook yells]
[gunfire stops]
[whimpers]
[horse whinnies]
Oh. There they are.
Come on.
Hey!
[chuckles]
It looks like you boys survived the stampede.
-Well... -Yeah.
-Yeah, we just got lucky. -I guess so.
[chuckling]
Only trouble, though, is...
we seem to be missing one of our cows.
-What?! -Huh.
We did our inventory, and, uh,
seems we came up one short.
Do they sometimes eat their own?
'Cause the herd could have consumed one.
Well, let me pull out my computer tablet
and see where CC-3897-B is.
-Let me see that. -[T-Boy chuckles]
-[T-Boy] Our cows are chipped. -Uh-huh.
[computer beeping]
-Look at that red beeping light. -[Cap] Oh.
It looks like we're standing on it.
Well, maybe the chip fell out. Why don't we, uh, spread out
-and see if we can find it. -[Skip] Might have you
put the chip on the horse by mistake,
-'cause it's an animal? -[T-Boy whistling]
Why are you whistling?
[crashing nearby]
I don't... Why is he whistling, Cap?
[T-Boy] Well, well.
[mooing]
-There she is right there. -[Rook] Oh, shoot.
-There she is. You got her. -[T-Boy] You boys
don't have no chip, do you?
-[Rook] No, sir. -[Skip] No.
I mean, if you got lost,
wouldn't nobody be able to find you.
No.
Um, could we have just one second? Uh...
-J.T., shoot 'em. -[Cap] No, no, no!
-No, no, no, no! -Please, please, please, please!
-Please don't-don't shoot! -I don't want to die!
-[sobbing] -I don't want to die!
It was his idea to move the base!
It was your idea to take the damn cow!
-No, it wasn't! -Don't you even!
-I-- -Don't you even!
All right, all right, I'm not gonna shoot you.
But get your playpen
off of our land.
You got one week.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
Thank you. Well, you heard the man!
Get this playpen out of here.
Let's get to work!
lively music
All right, that's the last of the light fixtures.
Yeah, putting everything back to its original spot.
Guys, we just got a supply pod from NASA
marked "high priority."
Ooh, that could be what we're waiting for, Cap.
[computer beeps]
[project manager] Attention, Moonbase 8.
We received your inquiry, and it's clear you have concerns.
See? I told you, you poke the bear,
the bear pays attention.
While we can't provide a timetable
for your arrival on the Moon, we are proud to announce
you have been awarded NASA's highest uniform classification:
-Stratus Class Red. -Wow.
Please find enclosed in the latest delivery.
-Whoa! -Hey! Wow!
-Look at these! -That's you right there.
-That's you. -There's my name!
[Skip] Wow!
-[Cap] Wow. -Geez, these are great.
[sniffs]
-Guys, we're Stratus Class. -Beautiful.
This is real satin.
Is it reversible? I think it's not.
Look at this zipper.
I can just see myself strutting through Waikiki.
This and a pair of shorts?
Feel like I want to do a little
doo-wop dance or something with it.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Whoa, oh, oh
For the longest
If you said goodbye
To me tonight
Ooh, ooh, ooh
There would still be
Music left to write
Ah, ah, ah
What else could I do...
[radio static, beeping]
Inspired by you
That hasn't happened
For the longest time...
-[beep] -[music stops]
[wind whistling over speaker]
atmospheric music