1 00:00:01,256 --> 00:00:02,557 -Mom. -Yes? 2 00:00:02,591 --> 00:00:04,993 -Okay. I want a big party this year. -Serious? 3 00:00:05,026 --> 00:00:07,229 -I want a quinceañera. -Quinceañera? 4 00:00:07,262 --> 00:00:10,599 We can't do that. We're too white for that. We're not allowed. 5 00:00:22,311 --> 00:00:24,313 * 6 00:00:28,650 --> 00:00:31,886 Are you... sure this is okay? 7 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:33,955 Should we be doing this? 8 00:00:33,988 --> 00:00:35,790 It's just Dave. 9 00:00:35,824 --> 00:00:38,293 Yeah. Okay. 10 00:00:38,327 --> 00:00:39,928 Do it. 11 00:00:52,441 --> 00:00:54,343 You can go under the bra. 12 00:00:54,443 --> 00:00:55,977 YOUNG DAVE (over phone): Elz, I felt them up 13 00:00:56,010 --> 00:00:57,512 at the exact same time. 14 00:00:57,612 --> 00:00:58,813 Oh, my God, 15 00:00:58,847 --> 00:01:00,682 the breast meat is the best kind of meat. 16 00:01:00,782 --> 00:01:02,651 It's amazing. It's so soft. 17 00:01:02,684 --> 00:01:04,319 It's just... it's awesome. 18 00:01:04,353 --> 00:01:06,821 -You felt them both up? -And then Kayla said... 19 00:01:06,855 --> 00:01:08,523 (echoing): Now we want to feel you up. 20 00:01:08,623 --> 00:01:10,692 YOUNG ELZ: There's no way you let them touch your dick. 21 00:01:10,792 --> 00:01:12,994 Actually, uh, uh... 22 00:01:13,027 --> 00:01:15,464 I have AIDS. 23 00:01:16,431 --> 00:01:18,333 Wait. What?! 24 00:01:18,367 --> 00:01:20,335 CAROL: David, hang up the phone and come to our room right now. 25 00:01:20,369 --> 00:01:22,537 -Mom? -I've been listening the whole time! 26 00:01:22,637 --> 00:01:23,672 Right now! 27 00:01:23,705 --> 00:01:25,440 DON: They were doing what? 28 00:01:25,474 --> 00:01:28,943 He was in a threesome with Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker. 29 00:01:28,977 --> 00:01:30,945 DON: A-A threesome? You're having sex?! 30 00:01:30,979 --> 00:01:32,681 CAROL: Well, he felt them up. 31 00:01:32,714 --> 00:01:34,883 They're sitting around playing grab-ass every day. 32 00:01:34,983 --> 00:01:36,518 W-Wait a minute. What does that mean? 33 00:01:36,551 --> 00:01:38,019 He-he felt their breasts? 34 00:01:38,052 --> 00:01:39,854 Did they touch your penis? 35 00:01:39,888 --> 00:01:42,691 This friend group is way too fast for you, David. 36 00:01:42,724 --> 00:01:44,058 What does it even matter?! 37 00:01:44,159 --> 00:01:47,028 My dick is too messed up to show a girl anyways! 38 00:01:47,061 --> 00:01:49,030 What do you even mean by that, David? 39 00:01:49,063 --> 00:01:50,031 You... 40 00:01:50,064 --> 00:01:52,033 Like... from the surgeries? 41 00:01:52,066 --> 00:01:53,535 Yes! 42 00:01:53,568 --> 00:01:55,370 Oh. I didn't know 43 00:01:55,404 --> 00:01:57,872 this was still an issue for you, honey. 44 00:01:57,906 --> 00:02:00,041 I mean, beyond cosmetically, 45 00:02:00,074 --> 00:02:01,910 is there a functionality problem, 46 00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:04,813 -or is it... -Functionality is not the issue, Don. 47 00:02:04,846 --> 00:02:07,582 It's the scarring, the mislocated pee hole, 48 00:02:07,682 --> 00:02:09,384 the second pee hole. 49 00:02:09,418 --> 00:02:10,719 Well, the second pee hole, 50 00:02:10,752 --> 00:02:12,487 there's an easy fix to that, as I recall. 51 00:02:12,521 --> 00:02:13,988 There's another procedure. 52 00:02:14,022 --> 00:02:16,057 I'm not wearing a diaper for a year! 53 00:02:16,090 --> 00:02:18,593 He doesn't want to wear a diaper! He's fine 54 00:02:18,693 --> 00:02:20,729 just plugging up the second hole with his finger when he pees. 55 00:02:20,762 --> 00:02:23,665 -We already decided that, Don. -Okay. 56 00:02:23,698 --> 00:02:25,900 How can I ever use it with a girl? It's scarred. 57 00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:28,069 It leaks. It's small. It's... 58 00:02:28,102 --> 00:02:31,740 Well, size doesn't matter, sweetheart. 59 00:02:31,773 --> 00:02:34,443 That's a myth. Your father has a small penis. 60 00:02:34,543 --> 00:02:36,077 It's average. 61 00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:37,912 It is. 62 00:02:37,946 --> 00:02:39,448 In America. 63 00:02:40,949 --> 00:02:42,951 * 64 00:02:48,022 --> 00:02:50,425 MIKE: I disagree. No. 65 00:02:50,459 --> 00:02:52,927 No, I-I told you, I loved A Star Is Born. 66 00:02:52,961 --> 00:02:54,929 I think it's a fantastic film. 67 00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:56,965 * 68 00:03:01,970 --> 00:03:03,638 (door closes) 69 00:03:08,910 --> 00:03:10,545 (groans) 70 00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:26,060 (woman on video speaks indistinctly) 71 00:03:26,094 --> 00:03:28,463 WOMAN: Oh, you look so hard. 72 00:03:28,497 --> 00:03:29,831 Yeah. 73 00:03:29,931 --> 00:03:32,467 (woman moaning) 74 00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:35,136 (grunting) 75 00:03:35,169 --> 00:03:38,172 (grunting loudly) 76 00:03:38,273 --> 00:03:39,841 (panting) 77 00:03:47,248 --> 00:03:49,250 (panting) 78 00:04:00,128 --> 00:04:01,796 (exhales) 79 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,702 (closes zipper) 80 00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:14,843 All right, man, I'm going to the studio. 81 00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:16,845 -Have a very productive day. -I love you. 82 00:04:16,878 --> 00:04:18,613 MIKE: I love you. 83 00:04:20,214 --> 00:04:21,850 -* I ate her ass * -(gasps) 84 00:04:21,883 --> 00:04:23,184 * She came, I gasped... * 85 00:04:23,217 --> 00:04:24,686 -(music stops) -Another. 86 00:04:24,719 --> 00:04:26,521 Run it back, yep. 87 00:04:26,555 --> 00:04:28,022 -* I ate her ass * -(gasps) 88 00:04:28,056 --> 00:04:29,891 -* She came... * -(music stops) -No? 89 00:04:32,126 --> 00:04:33,528 -It's been too long. -How you been? 90 00:04:33,562 --> 00:04:35,029 Look at you, you sweet baby face. 91 00:04:35,063 --> 00:04:36,197 Well, I try. 92 00:04:36,230 --> 00:04:38,032 DAVE: I can't hear you. 93 00:04:38,066 --> 00:04:40,034 -ELZ: Oh. Press the button. -ALLY: Oh. 94 00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:42,070 Hi! Surprise. 95 00:04:42,170 --> 00:04:44,238 DAVE: Hello. What a... Yeah, what a surprise. 96 00:04:44,339 --> 00:04:46,875 Is that a buffalo chicken cheesesteak from Frank's? 97 00:04:46,908 --> 00:04:50,144 -Yes. Good eye. -Good idea, my cherub. 98 00:04:50,178 --> 00:04:52,246 You're an angel sent from... 99 00:04:52,347 --> 00:04:53,915 the Euphrates. 100 00:04:54,015 --> 00:04:56,751 (chuckles) That's in Iraq, but thank you. 101 00:04:56,851 --> 00:04:58,720 -There's nothing wrong with Iraq. -I'm gonna set it over here. 102 00:04:58,753 --> 00:05:00,589 DAVE (echoing): How's your day going? Good? 103 00:05:00,689 --> 00:05:03,157 So good. Ooh, you sound... really cool. 104 00:05:03,191 --> 00:05:05,560 DAVE (echoing): Do I? Uh. Uh. 105 00:05:05,594 --> 00:05:07,095 Uh-ooh! Yeah. 106 00:05:07,195 --> 00:05:09,263 Let's not act like it's you doing it yourself, though. 107 00:05:09,364 --> 00:05:11,265 There's, like, mad plug-ins right now, 108 00:05:11,366 --> 00:05:13,067 so he sounds like an actual rapper. 109 00:05:13,101 --> 00:05:15,570 Every rapper has delay and reverb; it's very standard. 110 00:05:15,604 --> 00:05:16,905 Ooh, I like it. 111 00:05:16,938 --> 00:05:18,773 (echoing): Well, I couldn't be more appreciative 112 00:05:18,873 --> 00:05:20,575 of that sandwich. I love you. 113 00:05:20,609 --> 00:05:22,010 We have to finish this song. 114 00:05:22,043 --> 00:05:23,177 -Okay. -Can I FaceTime you in a little bit 115 00:05:23,211 --> 00:05:25,279 -when I get out of here and we can... -Okay. 116 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:26,915 Wait, wait, wait. What's the actual rush? 117 00:05:26,948 --> 00:05:29,017 Dave's making magic. I'm here. 118 00:05:29,050 --> 00:05:30,585 Uh, duh. 119 00:05:30,619 --> 00:05:32,253 (laughs) Okay. 120 00:05:32,286 --> 00:05:34,255 I'd like to see the magic happen. 121 00:05:34,288 --> 00:05:36,024 If that's... 122 00:05:36,057 --> 00:05:37,592 It's not that magical. All I'm doing is breathing. 123 00:05:37,626 --> 00:05:39,594 It's not necessarily the most entertaining moment 124 00:05:39,628 --> 00:05:41,596 -to see me in the studio. -ALLY: I... 125 00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:43,765 -live for breathing; I love it. -(chuckles) 126 00:05:43,798 --> 00:05:46,968 Great, run it back. Let's do another... breath, please. 127 00:05:47,068 --> 00:05:48,970 * It is weird yet lit * 128 00:05:49,070 --> 00:05:50,605 * What a chain of events * 129 00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:51,773 * I've been fucking * 130 00:05:51,806 --> 00:05:53,775 * I ate her ass * 131 00:05:53,808 --> 00:05:54,876 * She came, I gasped * 132 00:05:54,909 --> 00:05:56,945 -(gasps) -* I went... * 133 00:05:56,978 --> 00:05:58,813 DAVE: That was actually a fairly good one. 134 00:05:58,913 --> 00:06:01,149 And make the delay like, "Ass, ass, ass, ass." 135 00:06:01,249 --> 00:06:03,117 Like, fully wet "ass." 136 00:06:03,151 --> 00:06:04,953 And stack them and... 137 00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:07,121 -What do you call it? Uh... -Moses. 138 00:06:07,155 --> 00:06:08,957 Moses that fuckin' shit. 139 00:06:08,990 --> 00:06:10,992 * I ate her ass, she came, I gasped... * -(gasps) 140 00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:17,298 * I went again, won't make my bed * 141 00:06:17,331 --> 00:06:20,301 * My mom got pissed, she said, "Don't rap." * 142 00:06:20,334 --> 00:06:22,003 -Okay. -You like that? 143 00:06:22,103 --> 00:06:24,338 Uh... Mm. I like the spirit of it. 144 00:06:24,439 --> 00:06:26,641 In practice... You know, I do just... 145 00:06:26,675 --> 00:06:28,977 I had, like, so many well-organized things there. 146 00:06:29,010 --> 00:06:30,311 Uh, can I just, like... 147 00:06:30,344 --> 00:06:32,080 'Cause I won't be able to get past the... 148 00:06:32,113 --> 00:06:34,148 -Okay. I'll meet you on the bed. -Let me just... 149 00:06:34,182 --> 00:06:35,817 straighten up, tidy up a little bit. 150 00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:38,820 Just a few choice items. That'd be over here. 151 00:06:38,853 --> 00:06:41,923 Turn the light down, like that. 152 00:06:41,956 --> 00:06:43,257 Okay. 153 00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:46,094 I'm just gonna angle this lamp like that. 154 00:06:46,127 --> 00:06:49,664 -I know, I'm just in the unbuttoning process. -Mm-hmm. 155 00:06:49,698 --> 00:06:52,867 (sighs): And we are... getting real close to blastoff. 156 00:06:52,967 --> 00:06:54,335 Skinny jeans these days, you know? 157 00:06:54,368 --> 00:06:55,436 (Ally laughs) 158 00:06:58,039 --> 00:06:59,841 I'm very thirsty. 159 00:06:59,874 --> 00:07:02,343 And I just want to nip this in the bud before... 160 00:07:02,376 --> 00:07:04,879 we get too far down the rabbit hole. 161 00:07:08,382 --> 00:07:10,384 (exhales): Ah... 162 00:07:10,485 --> 00:07:12,020 That was important. 163 00:07:12,053 --> 00:07:13,955 -Mm-hmm. You good? -Where were we? 164 00:07:13,988 --> 00:07:15,790 (Ally laughs) 165 00:07:17,225 --> 00:07:19,027 -I-I can't. -No, no, no. No, no. 166 00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:20,895 -I can't. -I'm so close, I'm so close, I'm so close. 167 00:07:20,995 --> 00:07:23,397 I can't hold my weight up. I can't. I'm... taxed. 168 00:07:23,498 --> 00:07:25,399 Okay, get up, get up. I'll turn around. 169 00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:27,368 Oh, you... Oh. 170 00:07:27,401 --> 00:07:29,303 -Backwards. -(whispers): Yeah. 171 00:07:29,337 --> 00:07:31,072 (both panting) 172 00:07:34,142 --> 00:07:36,811 -Eat my ass. -Huh? 173 00:07:39,848 --> 00:07:42,183 (moaning, grunting) 174 00:07:44,418 --> 00:07:45,820 ALLY: Ooh. 175 00:07:45,854 --> 00:07:48,422 (both panting) 176 00:07:50,759 --> 00:07:52,861 Did you say something at the end? 177 00:07:54,095 --> 00:07:55,897 No, I-I... You said something. 178 00:07:55,930 --> 00:07:57,098 No. It was nothing. 179 00:07:57,198 --> 00:07:59,400 Did you ask me to eat your ass? 180 00:07:59,433 --> 00:08:01,269 Yeah. 181 00:08:01,369 --> 00:08:03,404 -(whispers): Yeah. -That's what you said? 182 00:08:03,437 --> 00:08:04,873 Yeah. 183 00:08:05,940 --> 00:08:07,408 Were you, were you joking? 184 00:08:07,441 --> 00:08:08,910 No. 185 00:08:08,943 --> 00:08:10,912 -You were being serious? -Yeah, I wasn't joking. 186 00:08:10,945 --> 00:08:13,915 You were inside of me. I wasn't making a joke. 187 00:08:13,948 --> 00:08:15,917 You want me to eat your ass? 188 00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:18,419 I did, yeah. Yes. 189 00:08:18,452 --> 00:08:21,422 Al, I would never eat your ass in a million years. 190 00:08:21,455 --> 00:08:23,925 I'm just being really open about that. Like, that's... 191 00:08:23,958 --> 00:08:25,927 -Wow. -And when I say "your," 192 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,262 I do not mean, like, your, like, asshole is worse 193 00:08:28,296 --> 00:08:29,931 than, like, the typical asshole. 194 00:08:29,964 --> 00:08:31,465 I would never eat Rachel McAdams's asshole. 195 00:08:31,566 --> 00:08:33,935 -I would never eat... Beyoncé's asshole. -Okay. 196 00:08:33,968 --> 00:08:36,370 I would eat your ass if you asked. 197 00:08:36,404 --> 00:08:38,439 I would never put you through that. Are you kidding? 198 00:08:38,472 --> 00:08:40,975 My asshole is one of the most disgusting places on Earth. 199 00:08:41,075 --> 00:08:43,444 There's always debris and, like, cake down there. 200 00:08:43,477 --> 00:08:45,780 -You don't want to eat that. -Cake? 201 00:08:45,814 --> 00:08:47,281 Yeah. You don't want to find out what that means. 202 00:08:47,315 --> 00:08:50,118 Okay, well, I only said it because of your song. 203 00:08:50,151 --> 00:08:52,286 And you were rapping about it, and I thought you might like it 204 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,288 and I might like it, and it'd be fun 205 00:08:54,322 --> 00:08:56,457 -to do together. -I totally understand 206 00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:58,960 what's happening now-- you heard it in the song. 207 00:08:58,993 --> 00:09:00,461 Yeah. 208 00:09:00,494 --> 00:09:01,963 Rap is a very sexually charged genre. 209 00:09:01,996 --> 00:09:03,297 Just 'cause you hear me say something in a song 210 00:09:03,331 --> 00:09:05,133 does not mean that's what I want to do. 211 00:09:05,166 --> 00:09:06,835 I'm just kind of, like, giving the people what they want. 212 00:09:06,935 --> 00:09:09,237 Okay, well, what do you want? What do you want to do? 213 00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:11,339 -About what? -Sexually. 214 00:09:11,439 --> 00:09:12,974 -Enlighten me. -Uh, you don't-- you know, 215 00:09:13,007 --> 00:09:14,508 I think you-- I don't think that, you know, 216 00:09:14,609 --> 00:09:16,144 I don't think there's much you don't know. 217 00:09:16,177 --> 00:09:18,146 Like, missionary. I like when you flip around. 218 00:09:18,179 --> 00:09:20,014 No. I mean, okay, what do you jerk off to? 219 00:09:21,115 --> 00:09:23,484 Like, regular porn, honestly. Like porn. 220 00:09:23,517 --> 00:09:25,920 -What kind of porn? What do you watch? -Uh, HD. 221 00:09:25,954 --> 00:09:27,321 -Dave. -I'm serious. Like, high... 222 00:09:27,355 --> 00:09:29,157 -I'm serious, too. -High-- You'd be shocked 223 00:09:29,190 --> 00:09:31,159 at how many things are, like, below 720, and you get in there 224 00:09:31,192 --> 00:09:33,494 -and you're handcuffed. -Okay, but, like, what's the weird thing that you watch? 225 00:09:33,527 --> 00:09:35,529 -Everybody has, like, a weird thing. -Uh, I don't know. 226 00:09:35,630 --> 00:09:37,498 -I don't have a weird thing. Like, I... -Yes, you do. 227 00:09:37,531 --> 00:09:40,835 -Come on. Tell me. Tell me. -Milking porn. 228 00:09:40,869 --> 00:09:43,204 (gasps softly) 229 00:09:43,304 --> 00:09:46,007 -Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get under you now. -ALLY: Okay, I get it. 230 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,509 So there's a big board with a hole in it, 231 00:09:48,542 --> 00:09:50,945 and the penis goes in the hole. 232 00:09:50,979 --> 00:09:52,113 Yeah. 233 00:09:52,146 --> 00:09:54,849 And then, I would go under it, 234 00:09:54,883 --> 00:09:57,018 and that's the milking, is the jerking off. 235 00:09:57,051 --> 00:09:59,353 -Or would you want-- Do you want me to blow you? -No, no, no. 236 00:09:59,387 --> 00:10:01,055 -I could blow-- Like... -No, no... 237 00:10:01,155 --> 00:10:03,357 I don't want you to do any of this to me. That's... 238 00:10:03,391 --> 00:10:05,359 You asked me the weirdest thing I've ever jerked off to; like, 239 00:10:05,393 --> 00:10:06,895 this is what popped into my head. 240 00:10:06,995 --> 00:10:08,196 This is not me saying, "Let's go do this." 241 00:10:08,229 --> 00:10:10,231 Okay. I'm not, like, 242 00:10:10,331 --> 00:10:12,066 -judging you or... -Yeah. What? 243 00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:15,536 -What? -No, I know. Good. 244 00:10:15,569 --> 00:10:18,206 -Is that-- Are we good? -Y-Yeah. Yeah. 245 00:10:18,239 --> 00:10:19,874 You're-- Uh, yeah. 246 00:10:19,908 --> 00:10:21,042 -Okay. -Milking. 247 00:10:21,075 --> 00:10:23,044 Milking. Let's go to bed. 248 00:10:23,077 --> 00:10:24,378 -Okay. -Good night. 249 00:10:24,412 --> 00:10:26,414 Good night. 250 00:10:29,483 --> 00:10:31,419 -(sighs) -I love you. 251 00:10:31,519 --> 00:10:33,521 I love you as well. 252 00:10:38,092 --> 00:10:40,561 MIKE: Oh. I keep logging out of my Apple I.D., 253 00:10:40,594 --> 00:10:42,897 and now I'm not gonna be able to stream this Phish show. 254 00:10:42,931 --> 00:10:45,599 -This is so annoying. -What's Phish, bro? 255 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,937 -It's a band. -Oh, that's why Dave's all in a fucking trance. 256 00:10:49,037 --> 00:10:51,405 'Cause he can't stream his Phish. 257 00:10:51,439 --> 00:10:53,407 No, I'm in a trance because you ruined my life 258 00:10:53,441 --> 00:10:55,109 and you let Ally stay on the session. 259 00:10:55,209 --> 00:10:56,911 She heard the rap I had about eating ass, 260 00:10:56,945 --> 00:10:58,446 and now she wants me to eat her ass 261 00:10:58,546 --> 00:11:00,081 and do all these crazy sexual things. 262 00:11:00,114 --> 00:11:01,415 -You hear this? -Yeah. You've ruined my life. 263 00:11:01,449 --> 00:11:02,583 Thank you for allowing that. 264 00:11:02,616 --> 00:11:04,185 Hold on, bro. You be eating ass? 265 00:11:04,218 --> 00:11:06,187 -No. -We are just clearing a table, 266 00:11:06,220 --> 00:11:08,189 but we can seat you if you'll come this way. 267 00:11:08,222 --> 00:11:10,091 Oh, amazing. Thank you so much. 268 00:11:10,124 --> 00:11:11,592 Bro, you're upset with me because she wants 269 00:11:11,625 --> 00:11:13,094 to have cooler sex with you? 270 00:11:13,127 --> 00:11:14,595 -I don't understand that. -Yeah, exactly. 271 00:11:14,628 --> 00:11:16,097 I don't want to have cooler sex. 272 00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:18,099 I like my sex the way it is where it's plain 273 00:11:18,132 --> 00:11:19,934 and there's zero expectations. 274 00:11:19,968 --> 00:11:22,937 I don't want to have to feel like, "Oh, this girl needs 275 00:11:22,971 --> 00:11:24,638 -her appetite whet," uh, you know? -MIKE: Very smart. 276 00:11:24,739 --> 00:11:26,941 That's how love lasts. Boring sex. Smart. 277 00:11:26,975 --> 00:11:30,444 Uh, it's 'cause you're uncomfortable about your... 278 00:11:30,478 --> 00:11:33,281 Yeah, yeah. Duh. 279 00:11:33,314 --> 00:11:35,616 Hold on. Ain't no room for no inside info at this table. 280 00:11:35,649 --> 00:11:37,451 What's going on? Catch me up to speed. 281 00:11:37,485 --> 00:11:38,953 You can't tell anybody. They're, like, the only two people 282 00:11:38,987 --> 00:11:40,955 -that know this. -Don't tell anybody. 283 00:11:40,989 --> 00:11:42,456 -I'm not, man. -DAVE: I'm serious. I'm... 284 00:11:42,490 --> 00:11:43,958 -He's being dead serious. -I'm-I'm locked in. 285 00:11:43,992 --> 00:11:45,459 All right, so I have birth defects on my penis, 286 00:11:45,493 --> 00:11:46,961 and, like, I had to have surgery on it. 287 00:11:46,995 --> 00:11:48,496 Ah, I'm cool, bro. I ain't trying to hear 288 00:11:48,596 --> 00:11:50,131 all that, bro; we about to eat. 289 00:11:50,164 --> 00:11:52,466 -Oh, okay. Well... -MIKE: Yeah, it's really gross. 290 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,169 -ELZ: It's disgusting. -It's-it's as gross as you think it is. 291 00:11:55,269 --> 00:11:56,971 -Ally doesn't even know about it. -GATA: So your girl 292 00:11:57,005 --> 00:11:58,139 -has never seen your dick? -Correct. 293 00:11:58,172 --> 00:12:00,308 -That's crazy. -Yeah. I control the lighting. 294 00:12:00,341 --> 00:12:02,310 -Next subject. Let's keep it rolling. -What does she want 295 00:12:02,343 --> 00:12:04,478 me to do? Start talking dirty or something? Like... 296 00:12:04,512 --> 00:12:06,647 Yeah. That's what people do. They talk dirty during sex. 297 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,983 -Out of nowhere? -Yes. -That's what everybody does. 298 00:12:09,017 --> 00:12:10,985 You're supposed to nibble on her ear like Mike Tyson. 299 00:12:11,019 --> 00:12:13,154 -All that type of stuff, bro. You supposed to do all of that. -I can't. 300 00:12:13,187 --> 00:12:15,256 It's so out of character. I can't all of a sudden just be, 301 00:12:15,289 --> 00:12:17,158 like, a different person. Like, that's crazy. 302 00:12:17,191 --> 00:12:19,160 -What do you say, Gata? -I say things like, 303 00:12:19,193 --> 00:12:20,494 "Baby, your beauty is inspiring. 304 00:12:20,528 --> 00:12:22,263 "You're the best thing I've seen all day. 305 00:12:22,296 --> 00:12:23,664 You're a fine display of greatness at its greatest." 306 00:12:23,697 --> 00:12:25,266 Can I have your phone number, or no? 307 00:12:25,299 --> 00:12:27,001 Uh, I don't have a phone. 308 00:12:27,035 --> 00:12:28,502 Um, I'll be back to take your order in a moment. Okay? 309 00:12:28,536 --> 00:12:31,005 I'm impressed by the way you talk to girls. 310 00:12:31,039 --> 00:12:32,506 You have no fear, even in today's climate, 311 00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,175 -of being yourself. -GATA: What? 312 00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:36,377 He's talking about the #MeToo movement. 313 00:12:36,477 --> 00:12:38,279 -Oh. I'm with all of that. -Yeah. Sexual harassment. 314 00:12:38,312 --> 00:12:41,015 -But shit, I got to be me, too. -Yeah. 315 00:12:41,049 --> 00:12:42,350 All right. Can we get back to the issue here? 316 00:12:42,383 --> 00:12:44,352 What am I supposed to say when I fuck my girlfriend? 317 00:12:44,385 --> 00:12:46,187 -Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz. -Am I first? 318 00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:47,521 Spit in her mouth. 319 00:12:47,555 --> 00:12:49,357 -Oh, my God. -DAVE: I say, "Open your mouth," 320 00:12:49,390 --> 00:12:51,025 -and I go... (spits) -Yeah. 321 00:12:51,059 --> 00:12:52,293 -Yeah. -She's gonna think I have... 322 00:12:52,326 --> 00:12:53,627 like, I'm having, like, a brain aneurysm. 323 00:12:53,661 --> 00:12:55,629 -You got to try these things. -All of this shit 324 00:12:55,663 --> 00:12:57,298 is so ridiculous. I'm not gonna be like, 325 00:12:57,331 --> 00:13:01,202 "Oh, you need this." 326 00:13:01,235 --> 00:13:02,536 -Who the fuck says things like that? -No. What the fuck are you 327 00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:03,571 -talking about? -What is this, '70s porno? -Yeah. 328 00:13:03,671 --> 00:13:05,573 Okay, great. What do you say, hotshot? 329 00:13:05,673 --> 00:13:07,041 Why are you being so weird about this? Why don't you 330 00:13:07,075 --> 00:13:08,476 just, like, watch porn with her? Everybody does that 331 00:13:08,509 --> 00:13:09,710 -with their girlfriend. -DAVE: Yeah, why don't I say, 332 00:13:09,743 --> 00:13:12,046 "Hey, Al. Let me load up a video of a guy 333 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,382 with an 11 and a half-inch cock made of meat." 334 00:13:14,415 --> 00:13:15,716 -MIKE: Yeah. -DAVE: "You can compare it 335 00:13:15,749 --> 00:13:17,151 -to my shredded wheat dick..." -Hold up. 336 00:13:17,185 --> 00:13:20,054 Hold up, man. Where the fuck is my grill at, man? 337 00:13:20,088 --> 00:13:21,389 I just had it right here in a black napkin, man. 338 00:13:21,422 --> 00:13:22,556 What the fuck? 339 00:13:22,590 --> 00:13:24,225 -MIKE: What? -Where the hell is my grill? 340 00:13:24,258 --> 00:13:26,394 -Y'all not paying attention? -ELZ: Not to your grill. 341 00:13:26,427 --> 00:13:28,229 I don't give a fuck about your grill. 342 00:13:28,262 --> 00:13:29,563 He was cleaning up the table. 343 00:13:29,597 --> 00:13:31,065 -DAVE: Okay, well... -GATA: It's gone, though. 344 00:13:31,099 --> 00:13:32,600 Is this, like, a million-dollar grill? 345 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:35,169 -What's the...? -Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro. 346 00:13:35,203 --> 00:13:37,505 All right. Think of it as, like, one night of Hanukkah. 347 00:13:37,538 --> 00:13:39,673 It's not a huge deal. Oh, and then there you go. 348 00:13:39,707 --> 00:13:41,409 Just like that. Problem solved. 349 00:13:41,442 --> 00:13:43,411 -Doctor Zhivago. -My nigga, dude. 350 00:13:43,444 --> 00:13:44,745 (chuckles) My nigga. 351 00:13:44,778 --> 00:13:46,580 -The busboy had it. -Thank you, bro. 352 00:13:46,614 --> 00:13:48,082 I wouldn't expect y'all to relate to it. 353 00:13:48,116 --> 00:13:49,583 -I'm from the trenches, bro. -What do you mean? 354 00:13:49,617 --> 00:13:50,684 Don't loop me in with these fucking guys. 355 00:13:50,718 --> 00:13:52,086 I'm from the West Side of Chicago. 356 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,521 Yeah, don't loop me in with this guy, either. 357 00:13:53,554 --> 00:13:54,755 Look at me. We the same. 358 00:13:54,788 --> 00:13:56,357 This nigga, you know what I'm saying? 359 00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:58,526 Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh, you're the rich black kid." 360 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:01,095 No, I'm not the rich black kid. My parents have money. 361 00:14:01,129 --> 00:14:02,530 -But when I left... -(Dave and Mike laugh) 362 00:14:02,563 --> 00:14:04,098 -That has nothing to do with me. -MIKE: That's the same shit. 363 00:14:04,132 --> 00:14:06,134 I can do something for you, too, man. 364 00:14:06,234 --> 00:14:08,436 I can fix that streaming issue you having to watch Phish. 365 00:14:08,469 --> 00:14:09,770 -Can you seriously do that? -GATA: Dude, 366 00:14:09,803 --> 00:14:11,305 I'm like a black Neil deGrasse Tyson. 367 00:14:11,405 --> 00:14:13,474 -He is black. -I know. 368 00:14:13,574 --> 00:14:14,642 -DAVE: Hey. -Oh. 369 00:14:14,742 --> 00:14:16,477 How do I fuck my girlfriend? 370 00:14:21,215 --> 00:14:22,616 It was just, like, such a shock 371 00:14:22,650 --> 00:14:25,453 to hear him talk so explicitly in his music. 372 00:14:25,486 --> 00:14:27,288 Like, real Dave... (sniffs) 373 00:14:27,321 --> 00:14:28,789 -Oh, throw that away. -Yeah. 374 00:14:28,822 --> 00:14:32,560 Real Dave would never talk like that. Like, it was 375 00:14:32,593 --> 00:14:35,629 so manly and, like, aggressive and hot. 376 00:14:35,663 --> 00:14:37,131 -And, like... -That's good. 377 00:14:37,165 --> 00:14:39,233 -Right? Yeah. And I was like, fuck it. -Yeah. 378 00:14:39,267 --> 00:14:41,135 I'll just fucking ask. 379 00:14:41,169 --> 00:14:45,139 And then now it's the most uncomfortable dyna-- 380 00:14:45,173 --> 00:14:47,641 It's insane how uncomfortable it is now. 381 00:14:47,675 --> 00:14:49,643 I love getting my ass eaten. 382 00:14:49,677 --> 00:14:51,845 My last boyfriend liked that more than fucking me. 383 00:14:51,946 --> 00:14:53,814 Just lived down there. 384 00:14:53,847 --> 00:14:55,816 That sounds so tight. 385 00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:58,319 (sighs) And it sucks because it has been great. 386 00:14:58,352 --> 00:15:00,321 Like, I really have figured out 387 00:15:00,354 --> 00:15:02,823 how to make myself come really consistently, 388 00:15:02,856 --> 00:15:05,159 which never happened with Rob. 389 00:15:05,193 --> 00:15:06,494 I fucking hated Rob. 390 00:15:06,527 --> 00:15:08,496 Wait. What do you mean, make yourself come? 391 00:15:08,529 --> 00:15:10,331 Dave doesn't make you come? 392 00:15:10,364 --> 00:15:11,832 No, Dave... 393 00:15:11,865 --> 00:15:15,836 It's-it's Dave's penis inside of me. 394 00:15:15,869 --> 00:15:18,172 Well, what is the sex like? Do y'all fuck in silence? 395 00:15:18,206 --> 00:15:20,674 No. There's passion and... 396 00:15:20,708 --> 00:15:22,443 moaning. 397 00:15:22,476 --> 00:15:24,512 -He moans. -Moans? 398 00:15:24,545 --> 00:15:26,347 So, y-you just lay there, 399 00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:28,882 and he's silently humping you and moaning? 400 00:15:28,983 --> 00:15:30,518 Do you make eye contact? 401 00:15:30,551 --> 00:15:32,186 No. 402 00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:35,856 I close my eyes to-to focus. 403 00:15:35,889 --> 00:15:37,891 -To escape reality? -No! 404 00:15:37,992 --> 00:15:39,860 I'm not-- I'm saying I am, like... 405 00:15:39,893 --> 00:15:43,531 you know, focusing on picturing Dave. 406 00:15:43,564 --> 00:15:46,534 Just, like, a different version of Dave. 407 00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:47,701 You're a teacher, Al. 408 00:15:47,735 --> 00:15:49,703 You were made for this moment, you know? 409 00:15:49,737 --> 00:15:52,706 You just got to, like... unlock him. 410 00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:55,743 You know what I mean? Just unlock him. 411 00:15:57,478 --> 00:15:59,413 MIKE: Yeah, we used to have a Regal. 412 00:15:59,513 --> 00:16:00,914 And my dad likes the sauce, so he got drunk 413 00:16:01,015 --> 00:16:03,317 and smashed it against the tree. Then we had a Cutlass. 414 00:16:03,351 --> 00:16:04,818 That was my favorite family car. 415 00:16:04,852 --> 00:16:06,720 -Damn, y'all had the Cutty? For real? -Mm-hmm. 416 00:16:06,754 --> 00:16:08,489 -Them motherfuckers is hard, bro. -Yeah, they're... 417 00:16:08,522 --> 00:16:10,224 What's up, bitch-ass nigga? 418 00:16:10,258 --> 00:16:12,226 -What's up with you, bro? -Do you see what time it is, nigga? 419 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:13,261 Fuck all that talking. 420 00:16:13,361 --> 00:16:14,395 -What's happening, nigga? -Step up, then. 421 00:16:14,428 --> 00:16:15,896 GATA: I'm right here. You're doing 422 00:16:15,929 --> 00:16:16,930 all that woofing, bro. All that barking and shit. 423 00:16:17,031 --> 00:16:18,266 -Step up then, nigga. -MAN: Hey! 424 00:16:18,366 --> 00:16:19,400 -Nigga, what's up, bro? -Bitch ass. 425 00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:20,901 I'm calling the cops. 426 00:16:20,934 --> 00:16:22,570 -For what? -Man, you lucky 427 00:16:22,603 --> 00:16:23,904 -he gonna call the police. -For what? -Take it outside! 428 00:16:23,937 --> 00:16:25,573 Nigga, he ain't about to do nothing. He just talking, man. 429 00:16:25,606 --> 00:16:26,740 You know where I'll be at, bro. 430 00:16:26,774 --> 00:16:27,775 -Pop out, my nigga. -CAZ: I'm-a see both y'all. 431 00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:30,578 You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass. 432 00:16:30,611 --> 00:16:31,945 -I'm-a take one of these. -Hey, you got to pay for that. 433 00:16:32,046 --> 00:16:33,914 -Put it on that bitch-ass nigga's tab. -Oh, for real? 434 00:16:33,947 --> 00:16:35,449 Oh, yeah, put it on my tab 435 00:16:35,549 --> 00:16:37,518 'cause you ain't got no money, though. 436 00:16:37,551 --> 00:16:39,420 Damn, they got Orange Vanilla Coke 437 00:16:39,453 --> 00:16:42,256 in this motherfucker? That's crazy. 438 00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:43,591 This is crazy. 439 00:16:43,624 --> 00:16:44,925 Where do you think they import this from? 440 00:16:44,958 --> 00:16:47,361 This shit look just like your fucking hair, bro. 441 00:16:47,395 --> 00:16:48,962 That's crazy. 442 00:16:49,063 --> 00:16:50,798 Hey, don't worry about that, bro. 443 00:16:50,898 --> 00:16:53,434 How much you want for this, papi? 444 00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:55,269 (bottles clinking) 445 00:16:55,303 --> 00:16:58,439 Aw, man. All we got is Stella, Gata. You good with that? 446 00:16:58,472 --> 00:17:00,441 -Yeah, I'm good. But is it rosé, though? -(bottle opens) 447 00:17:00,474 --> 00:17:02,776 No, it's... it's beer. 448 00:17:02,810 --> 00:17:06,280 Oh, that's cool, bro. I was just expecting the finer things. 449 00:17:06,314 --> 00:17:08,949 Hey, what was up with that guy from the convenience store? 450 00:17:08,982 --> 00:17:12,453 Oh, you worried about that old poo-butt-ass nigga, bro? 451 00:17:12,486 --> 00:17:13,787 Yeah, well, what-whatever, man. 452 00:17:13,821 --> 00:17:15,956 (chuckles): I-I got shook, I'm not gonna lie. 453 00:17:15,989 --> 00:17:18,792 You-you handled it so well, man. I'm-I'm trying to be like that. 454 00:17:18,826 --> 00:17:20,661 You know, more Zen. You were so calm. 455 00:17:20,761 --> 00:17:22,463 Can you, like, see what's up with the remote, though? 456 00:17:22,496 --> 00:17:23,897 'Cause I'm trying to watch this shit 457 00:17:23,931 --> 00:17:26,467 -you over here all excited about. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 458 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,968 * 459 00:17:28,001 --> 00:17:29,670 Oh, shit, Gata! 460 00:17:29,770 --> 00:17:31,839 What the fuck? You're the man. 461 00:17:31,939 --> 00:17:32,973 How did you do that? 462 00:17:33,006 --> 00:17:34,475 GATA: I used to work for Geek Squad. 463 00:17:34,508 --> 00:17:36,744 That's Phish. Let's have some Phish, baby. 464 00:17:36,777 --> 00:17:38,912 -Yeah. You like this? Is this good? -Hell yeah. 465 00:17:38,946 --> 00:17:40,481 MIKE: You get high, right? 466 00:17:40,514 --> 00:17:41,649 Come on, man. 467 00:17:41,682 --> 00:17:43,351 -Pass that bud, please. -(chuckles) 468 00:17:43,451 --> 00:17:45,419 (Transylvanian accent): The bud is right here. 469 00:17:45,453 --> 00:17:48,356 This is the vampire bud. 470 00:17:48,456 --> 00:17:49,757 (both laugh) 471 00:17:49,790 --> 00:17:50,991 (regular voice): Have you biting people. 472 00:17:51,024 --> 00:17:52,493 (sniffs) Smell that. 473 00:17:52,526 --> 00:17:55,863 -Oh, this is some bomb bomb. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 474 00:17:55,963 --> 00:17:57,665 But when they gonna stop warming up, though? 475 00:17:57,698 --> 00:17:59,333 Oh, no. This is the whole show. 476 00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:01,335 This is what they do the whole time, man. 477 00:18:01,369 --> 00:18:03,371 Feel that. Feel that. 478 00:18:03,471 --> 00:18:05,673 Feel that, dude. (grunts) 479 00:18:05,706 --> 00:18:08,041 (Ally moans) 480 00:18:08,142 --> 00:18:09,810 (both breathing heavily) 481 00:18:12,045 --> 00:18:13,013 Please. 482 00:18:13,046 --> 00:18:15,048 What? 483 00:18:16,950 --> 00:18:18,786 -I said please. -Okay. 484 00:18:18,819 --> 00:18:20,521 -You like that? -Yeah. 485 00:18:20,554 --> 00:18:23,357 Yeah. What do you, what do you like specifically? 486 00:18:23,391 --> 00:18:25,459 -(panting) -Uh, uh... 487 00:18:25,493 --> 00:18:27,361 Your feminine energy. 488 00:18:27,395 --> 00:18:28,529 (grunts) Yeah. 489 00:18:28,562 --> 00:18:29,863 Do you like how that feels? 490 00:18:29,897 --> 00:18:31,565 Yeah. It feels... 491 00:18:31,665 --> 00:18:33,367 just ideal. 492 00:18:33,401 --> 00:18:34,702 You're so hard. 493 00:18:34,735 --> 00:18:36,069 -I'm as hard as I can be. I'm fully... -Mm-hmm. 494 00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:37,371 -I'm boned. -Uh-huh. 495 00:18:37,405 --> 00:18:39,507 -I'm fully hard. -(panting) 496 00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,710 (panting) Yeah. 497 00:18:42,743 --> 00:18:43,877 -Yeah. Yeah. -(grunts) 498 00:18:43,911 --> 00:18:46,714 Your pussy is premium. 499 00:18:46,747 --> 00:18:49,550 (stammers) Prime-time. 500 00:18:49,583 --> 00:18:50,718 What do you want? 501 00:18:50,751 --> 00:18:52,052 Uh, what do I want? 502 00:18:52,085 --> 00:18:53,654 Yeah. What do you want, Dave? Tell me what you want. 503 00:18:53,687 --> 00:18:55,088 -I want every fucking nook. -Okay. 504 00:18:55,189 --> 00:18:58,392 -I want the whole kit and caboodle... -Uh-huh. It's yours. 505 00:18:58,426 --> 00:18:59,593 -Give me the full pussy. -Uh-huh. 506 00:18:59,693 --> 00:19:00,728 -Give me your full pussy right now. -It's yours. 507 00:19:00,761 --> 00:19:01,829 -Give me the puss. -Where do you want to come? 508 00:19:01,862 --> 00:19:03,997 Uh... There. Within you. 509 00:19:04,031 --> 00:19:05,733 I mean, you can feel how soaked I am, right? 510 00:19:05,766 --> 00:19:07,735 -Uh-huh. -With gush. 511 00:19:07,768 --> 00:19:09,002 -(moaning) -Oh, my God. 512 00:19:09,036 --> 00:19:10,404 -Are you gonna cream? -Mm-hmm. 513 00:19:10,438 --> 00:19:11,572 -You're gonna come? -Mm-hmm. 514 00:19:11,605 --> 00:19:12,573 Cream. 515 00:19:12,606 --> 00:19:14,442 -Come. -Okay. 516 00:19:14,542 --> 00:19:16,410 -Precum. Please come. -You want me to come? 517 00:19:16,444 --> 00:19:17,745 -Give me everything. Give me everything. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. 518 00:19:17,778 --> 00:19:19,079 -Come. Come. Yeah, come. -Okay, baby. Okay. 519 00:19:19,112 --> 00:19:20,948 -Come. Do it. Come. Come. -Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming. 520 00:19:21,048 --> 00:19:23,417 I'm coming. (moaning) 521 00:19:23,451 --> 00:19:26,019 (grunting) 522 00:19:26,053 --> 00:19:28,756 (both panting) 523 00:19:28,789 --> 00:19:30,591 Oh, my God. 524 00:19:30,624 --> 00:19:33,126 (both panting) 525 00:19:33,227 --> 00:19:35,095 That was... 526 00:19:35,128 --> 00:19:37,765 great. 527 00:19:37,798 --> 00:19:39,433 Amen, brother. 528 00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:40,768 (exhales) 529 00:19:40,801 --> 00:19:42,536 Did you come? 530 00:19:42,570 --> 00:19:43,937 Yeah. 531 00:19:43,971 --> 00:19:47,441 (both panting) 532 00:19:47,475 --> 00:19:49,142 (sighs) 533 00:19:51,645 --> 00:19:53,647 (sighs softly) 534 00:19:55,816 --> 00:19:58,151 * 535 00:20:19,072 --> 00:20:20,808 (grunts) 536 00:20:20,841 --> 00:20:22,510 (exhales) 537 00:20:22,610 --> 00:20:24,845 (grunting) 538 00:20:27,014 --> 00:20:28,749 ALLY: Dave? 539 00:20:28,782 --> 00:20:30,150 -(knocking, doorknob rattling) -Occupied! 540 00:20:30,183 --> 00:20:31,852 -I got to pee. -Uh... 541 00:20:31,952 --> 00:20:34,187 Okay, well, I'm pooping! Can I have a second? 542 00:20:34,288 --> 00:20:35,823 I can hear you walking around. 543 00:20:35,856 --> 00:20:38,659 Yeah. I stand when I wipe. 544 00:20:38,692 --> 00:20:40,994 -Okay. Please hurry. I got to go. -Uh... 545 00:20:41,028 --> 00:20:43,196 Okay, what about-- Mike's not home. 546 00:20:43,297 --> 00:20:45,533 Can you-- Just go in the sink. 547 00:20:45,633 --> 00:20:47,167 I'm not gonna pee in the sink. 548 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,769 Can you be quick? I have to go. 549 00:20:48,802 --> 00:20:50,203 All right, well... 550 00:20:50,304 --> 00:20:52,105 Okay, just hurry up. Please, please, please, 551 00:20:52,139 --> 00:20:54,508 please, please, please. Are you okay? 552 00:20:54,542 --> 00:20:56,176 Yes, I'm just wiping! 553 00:20:56,209 --> 00:20:58,045 -Will you hurry up? I really have to go. -I'm finishing! 554 00:20:58,145 --> 00:21:01,048 (toilet flushing) 555 00:21:01,148 --> 00:21:03,517 -Go. Geez Louise. -Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you, 556 00:21:03,551 --> 00:21:04,685 -thank you, thank you. -Uh, I don't know. 557 00:21:04,718 --> 00:21:06,053 Must've tracked this in here. 558 00:21:06,153 --> 00:21:07,955 (exhales) 559 00:21:07,988 --> 00:21:09,857 -(urinating) -(sighs) 560 00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:12,560 Very strong pee-- I can tell it was, in fact, urgent. 561 00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:15,062 I know. I wasn't, like-- Jesus Christ! What the fuck 562 00:21:15,162 --> 00:21:17,064 is that? 563 00:21:18,899 --> 00:21:20,233 Dave, what is that? 564 00:21:20,334 --> 00:21:22,035 What-what is that? 565 00:21:22,069 --> 00:21:24,538 It is... 566 00:21:24,572 --> 00:21:26,540 called a Fuck Me Silly 3. 567 00:21:26,574 --> 00:21:27,741 Oh, my God. 568 00:21:27,841 --> 00:21:29,743 Oh, my God, please take it out. 569 00:21:29,843 --> 00:21:31,545 -Take it out? -Please take it out. 570 00:21:31,579 --> 00:21:33,213 A Fuck Me Silly, Da-- 571 00:21:33,246 --> 00:21:35,082 Oh, my God. Why is it so heavy? 572 00:21:35,182 --> 00:21:36,216 Where is the other half? 573 00:21:36,249 --> 00:21:38,051 Oh, my God! 574 00:21:38,085 --> 00:21:40,588 Dave, do you fuck this? 575 00:21:40,688 --> 00:21:42,222 You know, you just asked me three questions. 576 00:21:42,255 --> 00:21:43,724 Why is it so heavy? 577 00:21:43,757 --> 00:21:45,893 I assume, uh, to simulate humanity. 578 00:21:45,926 --> 00:21:47,260 -Oh, my God. -Top half? 579 00:21:47,361 --> 00:21:49,930 I don't know anything about that. And... 580 00:21:50,030 --> 00:21:52,065 We just had great sex. What are you... doing? 581 00:21:52,099 --> 00:21:53,734 You say we have great sex. 582 00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:55,736 To me, that sex was, like, unbearable! 583 00:21:55,769 --> 00:21:56,937 -It was, like, warfare. -Unbearable?! 584 00:21:57,037 --> 00:21:58,739 Yeah, I was, like, surviving and advancing. 585 00:21:58,772 --> 00:22:00,107 I felt like I was just surviving. 586 00:22:00,207 --> 00:22:02,576 I hate talking about how, like, wet your pussy is 587 00:22:02,610 --> 00:22:05,245 -or how hard my dick is. -Okay, so you don't like talking dirty, 588 00:22:05,278 --> 00:22:08,281 -but you like fucking Jell-O with feet? -Yeah. 589 00:22:08,382 --> 00:22:10,283 Maybe I like doing it 'cause it doesn't ask anything of me 590 00:22:10,384 --> 00:22:12,085 and it has no expectations. I don't have to, like, 591 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,588 choke it or yell at it as I fuck it. 592 00:22:14,622 --> 00:22:16,857 -I can just be in and out and do my business. -I didn't ask you to do any 593 00:22:16,890 --> 00:22:17,858 of those things, right? 594 00:22:17,891 --> 00:22:19,760 I just asked you to be open 595 00:22:19,793 --> 00:22:21,261 and, like, try something new. 596 00:22:21,294 --> 00:22:22,930 And I asked you, 597 00:22:22,963 --> 00:22:25,599 "What's the weirdest thing you jerked off to?" 598 00:22:25,633 --> 00:22:29,970 And this fucking A.I. bullshit didn't occur to you, Dave? 599 00:22:30,070 --> 00:22:31,939 Well, it's not A.I. 600 00:22:31,972 --> 00:22:33,774 And I don't, like, look at it and jerk off. 601 00:22:33,807 --> 00:22:35,308 I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie. 602 00:22:35,409 --> 00:22:36,877 Right. You make love to it. 603 00:22:36,910 --> 00:22:38,612 -That's what I should've asked. -I don't make love. 604 00:22:38,646 --> 00:22:40,113 -It's platonic. It's... -Cool. 605 00:22:40,147 --> 00:22:42,282 So, sex with your human girlfriend 606 00:22:42,315 --> 00:22:44,818 is unbearable warfare, 607 00:22:44,918 --> 00:22:46,720 and you can't even tolerate having, like, 608 00:22:46,754 --> 00:22:49,156 a conversation with me about sex? 609 00:22:49,256 --> 00:22:51,959 And I-I feel like I'm trying to figure out what you want, 610 00:22:51,992 --> 00:22:53,627 and you're just not telling me the truth. 611 00:22:53,661 --> 00:22:55,295 Like, what am I missing here, okay? 612 00:22:55,328 --> 00:22:56,964 I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! 613 00:22:56,997 --> 00:22:59,833 I was born with a fucked-up dick! 614 00:23:00,834 --> 00:23:04,137 Dave, your penis is normal. 615 00:23:04,171 --> 00:23:07,007 Uh, you've-- you have never seen my dick. 616 00:23:07,107 --> 00:23:09,977 Yes, I have. 617 00:23:10,010 --> 00:23:11,645 I know you think you ha-- Um, honestly, like, 618 00:23:11,679 --> 00:23:13,180 it's my life's work to make sure you don't see it. 619 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,315 Like, I spend every moment plotting the lighting 620 00:23:15,348 --> 00:23:17,150 and the angles. If you've seen it, 621 00:23:17,184 --> 00:23:18,752 -what does my dick look like? -It looks 622 00:23:18,786 --> 00:23:21,088 like a fucking dick, Dave. 623 00:23:21,121 --> 00:23:23,691 Now I know you haven't seen it. 624 00:23:24,692 --> 00:23:26,326 -You're leaving? -Yes. 625 00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:27,995 We're talking in circles, 626 00:23:28,028 --> 00:23:30,363 and you clearly don't want to talk. 627 00:23:31,699 --> 00:23:34,001 I was born with a tangled urethra. 628 00:23:34,034 --> 00:23:37,004 So, when I came out, they did surgery on me. 629 00:23:37,037 --> 00:23:38,839 Okay? There's scarring down there. 630 00:23:38,872 --> 00:23:41,008 I also have a birth defect called hypospadias 631 00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:42,175 that one in 300 guys have, 632 00:23:42,209 --> 00:23:44,712 where the pee hole isn't in the center of the head. 633 00:23:44,812 --> 00:23:47,047 It's, like-- For me, it's on the underneath part of my head. 634 00:23:47,147 --> 00:23:50,050 There were also these small black dots on my dick 635 00:23:50,150 --> 00:23:51,685 that looked like poppy seeds. 636 00:23:51,719 --> 00:23:53,353 I got 'em removed, 'cause it was humiliating. 637 00:23:53,386 --> 00:23:55,723 And one of the poppy seeds got removed too far 638 00:23:55,823 --> 00:23:57,791 on the underside of my shaft, so now, when I pee, 639 00:23:57,825 --> 00:24:00,861 it's out of two different holes, like a Super Soaker. 640 00:24:00,894 --> 00:24:03,030 That's why I pee sitting down. If I didn't pee sitting down, 641 00:24:03,063 --> 00:24:05,032 I would just piss all over my own body. 642 00:24:05,065 --> 00:24:06,800 And when I'm in public and I'm at a urinal, 643 00:24:06,834 --> 00:24:08,368 I clog the second hole with my finger. 644 00:24:08,401 --> 00:24:11,705 There's just a lot of stuff. 645 00:24:11,739 --> 00:24:15,208 Why is this the first time I'm hearing about it? 646 00:24:15,242 --> 00:24:16,910 I don't know, Al. There was never a great time 647 00:24:17,010 --> 00:24:18,879 to pull you aside and say, "Hey, my dick 648 00:24:18,912 --> 00:24:21,414 looks like an old pile of worms." 649 00:24:23,183 --> 00:24:26,386 Don't leave. 650 00:24:26,419 --> 00:24:28,155 Show me. 651 00:24:29,189 --> 00:24:30,891 No. 652 00:24:30,924 --> 00:24:33,160 I love you. I know it'll make me feel better. 653 00:24:33,193 --> 00:24:34,862 I think it'll make you feel better. 654 00:24:35,929 --> 00:24:38,165 Al, first off, I'm soft as a mouse. 655 00:24:38,198 --> 00:24:39,366 I'm not gonna show you this vers... 656 00:24:41,769 --> 00:24:44,071 That was easy. 657 00:24:44,104 --> 00:24:45,906 Yeah. 658 00:24:45,939 --> 00:24:47,440 Trust me. 659 00:24:48,942 --> 00:24:50,944 (sighs) 660 00:24:57,951 --> 00:24:59,787 Okay. Cool. 661 00:24:59,887 --> 00:25:02,455 That's a stand-up boner. 662 00:25:02,556 --> 00:25:05,025 -I love you. -I love you. 663 00:25:05,058 --> 00:25:07,027 (kisses) I love it. 664 00:25:07,060 --> 00:25:08,261 Great. 665 00:25:08,295 --> 00:25:10,297 Good night. 666 00:25:15,803 --> 00:25:18,438 -(sighs) -(TV playing indistinctly) 667 00:25:18,471 --> 00:25:21,108 (phone chimes) 668 00:25:21,141 --> 00:25:22,442 WEATHERMAN: Increasing cloudiness tomorrow. 669 00:25:22,475 --> 00:25:25,278 Sticky and humid with a high of 96. 670 00:25:25,312 --> 00:25:27,948 With the winds out of the east at 14 miles per hour, 671 00:25:27,981 --> 00:25:31,118 it's currently 75 degrees... 672 00:25:31,151 --> 00:25:33,486 (crickets chirping) 673 00:25:37,324 --> 00:25:39,960 What on earth is going on? 674 00:25:39,993 --> 00:25:43,396 (singsongy): Surprise! 675 00:25:43,430 --> 00:25:46,967 It's your very own milking table. 676 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,301 How did you... 677 00:25:48,335 --> 00:25:51,304 Just get on the table, put your dick in the hole 678 00:25:51,338 --> 00:25:54,307 and I'm gonna milk the cream out of you. 679 00:25:54,341 --> 00:25:56,409 This is unbelievable. Did you, like, hire, like, 680 00:25:56,443 --> 00:25:58,478 -a TaskRabbit to do this? -Okay, so I've been thinking about it. 681 00:25:58,511 --> 00:26:01,982 I think that you jerk off to milking table porn 682 00:26:02,015 --> 00:26:05,318 because it's just the dick and the girl. 683 00:26:05,352 --> 00:26:06,987 Right? So it's your biggest insecurity. 684 00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:08,155 It's your biggest fear. 685 00:26:08,188 --> 00:26:11,158 Which means it's your ultimate fantasy. 686 00:26:11,191 --> 00:26:12,860 Oh, my God. 687 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,027 Yeah. 688 00:26:14,127 --> 00:26:16,363 And, last night, we did what I wanted to do. 689 00:26:16,463 --> 00:26:18,999 So, tonight, we could do what you want to do. 690 00:26:19,032 --> 00:26:20,533 And, tomorrow, we could do what we want. 691 00:26:20,634 --> 00:26:23,436 And that's intimacy, right? 692 00:26:24,537 --> 00:26:26,006 -Mm. -I love you so much. 693 00:26:26,039 --> 00:26:27,007 I love you. 694 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:28,275 Not only are you gonna milk me, 695 00:26:28,308 --> 00:26:29,877 I'm gonna milk you. 696 00:26:29,977 --> 00:26:31,945 Mandatory strip right now. I'm eating your asshole. 697 00:26:31,979 --> 00:26:33,546 -Do it right now. Take off your clothes. -Really? 698 00:26:33,647 --> 00:26:36,049 -Mandatory strip. That's right. Yeah. -Oh, my God. 699 00:26:37,951 --> 00:26:39,552 Get up there right now. I'm gonna milk your asshole. 700 00:26:39,653 --> 00:26:43,190 (grunts) I feel like, f-for me, it's not milking. 701 00:26:43,223 --> 00:26:45,525 It-It's more like a gerbil and its bottle. 702 00:26:45,558 --> 00:26:46,960 Whatever it is, let's do it. 703 00:26:46,994 --> 00:26:49,062 -I'm ready to ride the momentum. -Okay. 704 00:26:55,068 --> 00:26:57,871 * What a girl wants, what a girl needs * 705 00:26:57,905 --> 00:27:00,207 * What a girl wants, what a girl n... * 706 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,142 (garage door opening) 707 00:27:09,917 --> 00:27:11,919 Yo. 708 00:27:14,254 --> 00:27:17,657 I'm just-- I'm just gonna park on the street. 709 00:27:18,658 --> 00:27:21,194 (garage door closing) 710 00:27:25,432 --> 00:27:27,901 * Whoo, whoo, I'm still a kid, look at my dick * 711 00:27:27,935 --> 00:27:31,238 -* But I make these hits that'll shape your kids * -* Yeah * 712 00:27:31,271 --> 00:27:34,241 * If I shake my hips, they'll display their tits * 713 00:27:34,274 --> 00:27:35,575 * It is weird yet lit * 714 00:27:35,608 --> 00:27:37,244 * What a chain of events * 715 00:27:37,277 --> 00:27:38,912 * I've been fucking * 716 00:27:38,946 --> 00:27:40,247 * I ate her ass * 717 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,915 * She came, I gasped * 718 00:27:41,949 --> 00:27:43,250 * I went again * 719 00:27:43,283 --> 00:27:45,085 -* Won't make my bed * -* What? * 720 00:27:45,118 --> 00:27:46,519 * My mom got pissed * 721 00:27:46,553 --> 00:27:48,255 -* She said, "Don't rap" * -* What? * 722 00:27:48,288 --> 00:27:49,923 * Guess what, I did * 723 00:27:49,957 --> 00:27:52,092 * Oh, yeah, all my haters' hands up on their heads * 724 00:27:52,125 --> 00:27:53,426 -* Oh * -* I'm abusing substances * 725 00:27:53,460 --> 00:27:56,029 -* With guys in the NFL * -* Whoa * 726 00:27:56,063 --> 00:27:58,465 * I just stole a Perrier from Kodak Black * 727 00:27:58,565 --> 00:28:00,934 * From his dressing room, while he was onstage * 728 00:28:00,968 --> 00:28:02,435 * I was thirsty, back up off me * 729 00:28:02,469 --> 00:28:03,603 * This is just hip-hop * 730 00:28:03,636 --> 00:28:05,605 * But my shit pop * 731 00:28:05,638 --> 00:28:06,974 -* I wear flip-flops * -* Where? * 732 00:28:07,074 --> 00:28:08,275 * To my biz ops * 733 00:28:08,308 --> 00:28:09,609 -* Ain't no wristwatch * -* Why? * 734 00:28:09,642 --> 00:28:11,278 * Pretty women all up on my arm * 735 00:28:11,311 --> 00:28:13,480 * I don't think I need to get more charm. * 736 00:28:26,326 --> 00:28:28,896 -I'm a once-in-a-generation artist. -Oh. 737 00:28:28,929 --> 00:28:31,999 Who just got verified on Twitter, about, what, nine days ago? 738 00:28:32,099 --> 00:28:34,301 I'm glad you feel good that a robot told you you're worth it. 739 00:28:34,334 --> 00:28:35,735 * Hi, I'm Dave * 740 00:28:45,245 --> 00:28:48,181 Do me a favor? Never look me in the eye again. 741 00:28:48,281 --> 00:28:51,184 Okay? 'Cause your stare is way too intense. 742 00:28:51,284 --> 00:28:53,020 It's starting to make my hair fall out. 743 00:28:58,291 --> 00:29:00,760 CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy! 744 00:29:00,794 --> 00:29:03,330 (high-pitched voice) Mummy isn't here. Try next door. 745 00:29:03,363 --> 00:29:04,597 CHILDREN: Mummy! 746 00:29:04,631 --> 00:29:07,835 WOMAN: Oh, my God. No, got the wrong house. 747 00:29:10,637 --> 00:29:11,704 What is Devs? 748 00:29:14,141 --> 00:29:15,342 What is Devs? 749 00:29:15,375 --> 00:29:16,810 What is Devs? 750 00:29:17,878 --> 00:29:19,479 What is Devs? 751 00:29:20,347 --> 00:29:21,514 What is Devs? 752 00:29:22,282 --> 00:29:23,616 What is Devs? 753 00:29:23,650 --> 00:29:26,053 -(inaudible) -What is Devs? 754 00:29:30,390 --> 00:29:31,658 (screams) 755 00:29:40,333 --> 00:29:43,036 -(operatic singing) -(chattering) 756 00:29:50,377 --> 00:29:51,478 MAN: Check! 757 00:29:52,980 --> 00:29:53,981 Check.