[ Chain saw buzzing ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Hinges creaking ]
[ Woman panting in distance ]
[ Music continues ]
WOMAN: Is it supposed to take this long?
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Music continues ]
Mom, I... Wait. I-I know you're mad.
But, Mom, I-I didn't even want to do it.
Please. Mom.
Mom... Mom... Mom! [ Grunts ]
[ Zipper closes ]
Oh, fuck. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
[ Screaming ]
[ Up-tempo heavy metal plays ]
♪ Satanic panic ♪
[ Playing down-tempo music ]
♪ Kangaroos are listening ♪
♪ Some koala bears are, too ♪
♪ They can't hear my heartbeat ♪
♪ They don't know I miss you ♪
♪ You got pills, you got drugs ♪
♪ What you need is a hug ♪
♪ I can't see you behind your paraphernalia ♪
♪ But I'm waiting for you ♪
[ Thunder rumbling ]
♪ In Australia ♪
[ Laughing ] What the... What is that?
I told you.
♪ In Australia ♪
I shouldn't have shown you guys.
Oh.
Delivering pizza is a calling whose techniques
- are passed down orally... - And anally.
...from generation to generation.
This is hazing.
- Great. - [ Bells chiming ]
Got a double going to S Town, triple going west,
and the Presbyterians are having a lock-in.
Ooh! I get the pesky Presbies.
Hey, Karim, you're west.
- Young lady, S Town. - [ Groans ]
Ain't nothing good happening in S Town, baby.
[ Laughs ]
♪ In Australia ♪
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
STYLES: Samster.
Yeah?
You owe me $5.
For what?
Deposit on the thermal bag.
Oh. But I need that $5 for gas.
[ Music continues ]
STYLES: Look. It'll be right there when you're done.
Hey. I don't want my girlfriend crying.
I'm not your girlfriend.
You keep calling me.
For a job.
And here you are.
Thanks. It's great.
You owe me.
Please move. I'm getting wet.
I have that effect on all women.
You should meditate.
Real universe? It's in there.
Boop!
Wait. Why did you call it S Town?
Scrooge Town.
- [ Alarm chirps ] - Never tips.
Shit.
[ Door opens, closes ]
[ Exhales deeply ] Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
[ Exhales deeply ]
[ Keys, jingle, engine starts ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Engine shuts off ]
Um, did you order from Home Run?
Righteous. Can you grab one end?
Oh, I-I have another delivery.
- What's your name? - Sam.
Mine too. What are the chances?
You have to give me a hand.
- It's the code of the Sams. - Is that a thing?
There are 7 million Sams in America,
and you're the first one I've ever met
who doesn't know the code of the Sams?
- I-I... - Sams helping Sams.
That's our jam.
All right.
All right. Sweet. Grab this end.
[ Hinges creaking ]
Uh, that'll be $24.75.
- Thank you. - Do you have to go?
Well, after you pay, I go.
Piss. Do you have to piss?
- What? - I have this guy in here,
and he wants me to piss on his face, but I already went.
I'll pay you $12.
Uh... no?
[ Sighs ] Prude.
[ Dog barking in distance ]
I thought you was Mexicans.
Um, that'll be $8.98.
[ Grunts ]
[ Hinges creaking ]
My change?
It's laundry day.
My Richard doesn't need this in heaven.
- Oh. Oh, no, no, no. - And it's exactly your size.
- I-I don't need this. - Bless your heart.
[ Grunting ]
Oh!
From one Sam to another, you rule.
[ Lock clicks ]
It's expired.
In four hours, my total earnings
are an expired Applebee's coupon, a head cold,
and a sweater that smells like racism.
It's your first day.
I took this job for the tips.
You need someone to make sure you get the fat orders.
You?
The only movies I watch are documentaries,
and when I go to the gym, I listen to books.
I can satisfy all your physical and intellectual needs.
I don't have any needs.
You're uncomfortable because I'm authentic.
Delivery for Mill Basin. Five pies in five.
That's outside our zone.
I'll do it.
[ Rain falling ]
- Where to, Mad Max? - Uh, Mill Basin.
Five years ago, I took an order to Mill Basin.
The fuckers stiffed me for the tip
and slammed the door in my face.
So I went through the window, and everybody's boning...
like, dudes, chicks, dogs and cats, a frog and shit.
So I'm in there getting it, like, "Ribbit!"
Like everybody's all, "Unh! Unh!"
And I passed the hat.
Made $32.
You go to Mill Basin a delivery boy,
but you come back a delivery man.
[ Engine starts ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Engine revs ]
[ Engine idling ]
Hello?
Home Run Pizza.
[ Click, whirring ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Engine shuts off ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Hinges creaking ]
Hi.
It's my first night.
Sorry.
Okay.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Oh, wait. My boss gets mad if you don't sign.
[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]
Thank you, sir, and have a wonderful night
- and enjoy your pi... - [ Lock clicks ]
Oh. Excuse me!
Excuse me, sir! I think you forgot to tip!
[ Engine cranking ]
Please, please, please, please, please.
- [ Engine cranks ] - Please...
[ Sighs ]
You stupid... [ Grunting ]
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Hello? Excuse me!
I know you're home, sir!
[ Music continues ]
[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]
[ Applause ]
WOMAN: We are gathered here tonight
to activate our fullest potential.
For 17 years, we have achieved unprecedented growth
thanks to team unity and personal productivity.
So I'm saying to you right now,
be prepared for a major paradigm shift,
because today is nonreturnable.
I haven't built my career because I needed to help others.
- Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me. - WOMAN: I haven't sacrificed
all I have because I needed friends.
I do what I do because I love to make winners.
Are you ready to be a winner?
- ALL: Yes! - Excuse me. I'm sorry.
But did you see a guy with a big mustache, kind of dead eyes?
Are you ready to take back what you are owed?
- ALL: Yes! - Are you ready to just do it?
- ALL: Yes! - [ Whispering ] Who are you?
I-I'm Sam.
What are you doing here?
I delivered pizza for a guy here,
but he didn't tip, and I need that tip for gas money.
I mean, if everyone here gave a quarter, that'd be like...
Wait. You don't know anyone here?
I mean, that would be like almost $10.
- ALL: Yes! - Are you ready
to fully commit yourselves to Satan?
ALL: Yes!
- Everything helps. - You can't be here.
Mill Basin is actually outside our delivery zone.
You have to go.
Call forth the change driver!
We've... had a complication.
Complications are just opportunities in disguise.
Change driver was not as pure as she appeared.
Can she be salvaged?
She's no longer with us.
Seriously?
What did Samuel say?
Samuel wasn't happy with my hands-on approach,
so I've put him somewhere
where he won't cause any... backsliding.
This is Beltane, Danica.
It is a full moon!
We're summoning Baphomet.
We need a virgin.
SAM: Excuse me!
Um, sorry to interrupt your party or, um, whatever,
but I'm the pizza guy... oh, girl...
a-and someone here ordered five large pies, one with sweet corn,
uh, and he paid with a card, but he didn't tip.
So I just wanted to see if maybe you guys would cover for him.
I-I just don't think it's fair
for me to drive all the way out here
and not be able to cover the cost of gas, so...
Who are you?
The pizza, uh, person.
And what are you doing in my house?
Look, you guys.
You may live in this nice neighborhood,
and I deliver pizza, but we're not so different.
I mean, I have to make a living, just like you.
So, you know, maybe if you could pass the helmet,
the next time I'm busking and someone says,
"Hey, what's with those stuck-up snobs in Mill Basin?"
I'll say, "Hey. No.
They're actually pretty cool," right?
Busking?
Yeah, uh, I sing my own material...
like, folk songs... down by the aquarium.
Are you by any chance... a virgin?
Um, that's a very personal question.
She's a virgin. [ Snaps fingers ]
- [ Dramatic music plays ] - Oh. Um, excuse me.
Can you, um, can you let me go, please?
Excuse me. Hey. Hey. Ow.
[ Music continues ]
[ Voices echoing ]
Guess you pissed off my bitch whore of a wife as well.
Sorry. Who are you?
Who am I?
I own this house. Who the hell are you?
Um, I delivered that pizza.
You packing heat?
You come with anyone else?
What about fighting skills... judo, karate, Krav Maga,
Filipino knife fighting?
All right. Well, that was that.
Look, all I did was ask for a tip.
I-I mean, I probably shouldn't have come in the house,
but it's my first night, so, you know, lesson learned.
Do you have any idea what's happening here tonight?
Um, well, I work in a field that pays $2.13 an hour
and my income is mostly based off tips,
but everyone in there got pissed off when I asked for one.
Okay, well, none of those people are gonna tip you
because they're too busy worshipping Satan,
and tonight they are summoning Baphomet.
Like the band?
Like the triple-faced god of hell.
And they're probably gonna kill us tonight.
Well, they're definitely killing me.
They're probably gonna kill you. I don't know.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, you must think I'm a lot younger than I look.
I mean, Carl, my neighbor, he's a Satanist and he's a vegan.
They are gonna render my fat to make candles.
Okay. Uh, I need to get back to work.
They are gonna cut your tongue out.
They are gonna jam needles into your eyes,
and that's them being merciful, okay?
Just be happy you're not a virgin.
I've spent the last 22 years fending off horny dudes.
I think I can handle
a bunch of sexually repressed suburban dads.
- [ Door rattling ] - Oh, my God.
Are you a virgin?
That's a very personal question.
[ Exhales deeply ] Christing hell.
This night just keeps getting better and better and better.
Whoa. Hey. Listen. Hey.
I need you to scrape together
whatever brain cells you have left.
Rude.
Baphomet needs a virgin womb to be born.
Okay? Do you understand what I'm saying?
That's the only reason you are alive right now, okay?
He is a big fucking demon from hell,
and when that clock strikes 12:00, he is gonna rip you open!
I've seen that album cover.
You have any idea why the rich stay rich and you stay screwed?
Mm, better healthcare.
Do you have any tools?
We're not going anywhere.
You should just accept that.
You want a hit?
Really good kush. You won't feel a thing.
I've been on this delivery for over an hour and a half.
I'm probably fired.
Aha.
My name is Samuel.
Oh. I'm Sam. Cool. Same name.
Don't worry. I won't even scratch the frame.
I suggest you stop fighting this.
I bet you have a lot of boyfriends.
I mean, if you count the guy who got me this job
and now wants me to put out so he'll send me on better runs,
then I think... Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Listen. They need to sacrifice a virgin.
No virgin, no sacrifice.
Let me protect you.
- Oh! - Come here.
Hey. I'm trying to save your life, okay?
Stop fighting me here.
I'm trying to save...
[ Grunts ]
Yeah. I'm gonna save you whether you like it or not.
[ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
Look at what you made me do. I'm a feminist!
[ Grunts ]
[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
Oh!
[ Grunts ]
[ Ringing continues ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
Duncan! Duncan! Duncan!
Please... Please help me! Please!
DUNCAN: You are way out of line.
- I didn't hear... - Put it down.
DUNCAN: Now, you...
I'm... I'm not even a gun person.
Please.
One way or another, they aren't getting their virgin.
Code of the Sams. No. Code of the Sams.
[ Gun clicks ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
And now the great work begins.
[ Hinges squeaking ]
Oh, Samuel.
[ Clicks tongue ]
What did you do?
[ Sighs ]
We were so close, Samuel.
We were almost there.
[ Clicks tongue, sighs ]
Sadly, you only have yourself to blame.
It's your fault.
[ Squishing ]
[ Grunts ]
All right.
Where are ya?
I know that soul's around here somewhere.
A little lower.
Little lower.
Okay.
Now we're getting close.
There you are.
All righty.
[ Inhales sharply ] Ooh. Oh, it's so slippery.
Ah. Okay.
There.
Thank you.
Run it under cold water and bake it at 225 for 40 minutes.
Pack it with bay leaf, black peppercorn, and graveyard dirt.
Use the big casserole tray.
Oh. And, Danielle?
Not my good tray.
I think...
Your job is not to think.
Your job is to tell me one thing, Gypsy.
Where the fuck is my virgin?
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Insects chirping, dog barking in distance ]
Please. Please. Please help. Help me.
Oh, my gosh! Are you okay?
- Please help me. - Of course you're not okay.
What am I saying? What happened?
I got attacked. Call 911, please.
[ Insects chirping ]
Was it a gang-initiation thing?
No. A-A man at the house down the street, he tried to rape me.
That's bonkers.
We have to call 911. I-I dropped my phone.
First thing, we stop the bleeding.
My mom will kill me if I get blood on anything.
I'm babysitting.
Oh, what does that pay?
Twenty-five an hour.
- Wow. - BOY: I see your boobs.
Hey! Back in the TV room, guys.
This is adults only.
Sorry.
Come oh. Go, go, go.
[ Exhales deeply ]
[ Muffled shouting ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
WOMAN: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm having a heck of a time getting these two situated.
Here.
You're alone?
Just me and the monsters.
That's why your story is so scary.
I don't think any of this is mine.
You sure? Your face is really pale.
Um, what did the police say?
Oh, I knew I was forgetting something.
Here. You need the sugar.
It'll keep you from going into shock.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Muffled shouting, clattering ]
[ Glass clinks ]
Hey!
[ Laughs ]
You tell, I'll say you touched my butt.
[ Slurps ]
[ Woman speaking indistinctly ]
[ Gunshot ]
Wait. Are you allowed to be watching this?
WOMAN: Hey. Hey!
Stay off the carpet, okay?
You must be freezing.
Police?
They said they're sending someone right away.
We're supposed to sit tight.
[ Thud, boy screams ]
He's dead!
Oh, he's just sleepy, sweetie.
You gave a child soda?!
- What is wrong with you? - What did you put in that?
Shh. I'm sorry I snapped.
Jordan's diabetic,
and refined sugar really throws his system out of balance.
I don't want to hurt you.
Of course not. Why would you want to hurt me?
- Don't move. - I'm not moving.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Groans ]
Get her, sweetie!
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Groaning ]
Get that mean lady!
[ Grunts ]
I'm sorry!
You motherfucker! That is a child!
You'd better pray he doesn't have a concussion!
Just leave me alone.
All you had to do was drink your Coca-Cola,
but now you've created a situation!
- Stay away! - know girls like you.
You go to public school and eat government cheese
and get pregnant in the sixth grade!
[ Whirring ]
Hey, babe. What's all the racket?
Shred her, sis.
Who are you people?!
[ Drill whirring ]
[ Whirring stops ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Slut.
Hey! [ Gags ]
[ Drill whirring, flesh tearing ]
[ Gasping ]
No. No. No.
No. No, no. No, no.
No. No. No. No.
No, no. No.
[ Screaming ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Both groaning ]
[ Electricity whirring, crackling stops ]
[ Muffled shouting ]
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Hinges squeaking ]
[ Muffled ] Hello?
[ Gasping ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
That's a Kmart bra, so I'm assuming you're not one of them.
Um, I-I'm Sam. I deliver pizza.
What the fuck are you waiting for? Untie me.
I'm having some trust issues right now.
The enemy of your enemy is your friend.
- What? - The enemy of your en...
For fuck's sake, they were about to bang me to death
with a giant killdo, okay?
Okay.
Now, wait. Who are you?
None of your fucking business, paper boy.
Pizza girl.
I don't give a flying monkey's fuck sac.
Ow! [ Exhales sharply ]
Look, we have to get out of here.
What's this "we" shit?
I'm getting out of here. You can go back to Domino's.
- I don't know what's happening! - Yeah.
That's exactly why I want you to stay the fuck away from me.
[ Telephone ringing ]
WOMAN: 911. What's your emergency?
Hi. Yeah. I'm at Mill Basin.
And I don't know what's happening, but I'm...
What's your location, please?
Um, I-I don't know the address,
but it's... it's a big house, scary-looking.
Um, it's, like, on a deserted street.
I don't...
- [ Telephone beeps ] - Idiot.
They're at Kim and Steve's house.
You have the survival instincts of a giant panda bear.
Stay the fuck away from...
Did you do that?
It was an accident.
You're a natural born killer.
Judi.
No. I-I didn't mean to.
Get your big tits in gear. They know we're here.
Oh. Wait, wait.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
This way.
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Music continues ]
Why do I smell your daughter?
That's her corpse you're smelling.
Kim and Steven took care of her.
Okay.
[ Footsteps approaching ]
[ Whimpers, sobs ]
Your whore daughter murdered our girls, Danica.
What?
Why were Kristen and Michelle with my daughter?
Oh. We, uh...
Did you kill my daughter like I asked you to, Steven?
We gave her to the girls, Danica.
You what?!
They were so excited about killing her.
I know. [ Sobs ]
STEVEN: Oh!
- They wanted to, sweetie. - Why did I do that?
I am seriously questioning your leadership.
All right, people!
We will form three-person kill teams.
We will split the neighborhood into quadrants.
Go, go, go!
DANICA: Don't be a fascist, Gypsy.
We didn't sell our souls so we could clomp around outdoors
like a bunch of goddamn hippies.
Fascists get things done.
Oh.
Thank you, Danielle.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Crackling ]
Trivets.
Soul soufflé, anyone?
Knife.
[ Squishing ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Squealing ]
[ Purring ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Screeching ]
[ Lid rattling ]
T-shirt.
[ Rattling ]
[ Music continues ]
Samuel, find me my virgin.
[ Screeches ]
[ Insects chirping ]
And that's why I lead this coven.
Burn this.
Let's sneak back to my Vespa and go.
A, I'm not getting caught dead on a fucking Vespa,
and B, they're about to have sick, fucked-up shit
all over these streets in about five seconds.
[ Door opens ]
All right.
This should keep out the basics...
spirit dogs, slipskins, grind guts,
the gray man, night hags... anything that walks or crawls.
Demons won't cross salt without counting every grain.
It's one of their rules.
Fuckers have more rules than Yahtzee.
Demons are obsessed with laws, codes, rituals...
all that type-A shit.
What are you talking about? Those were just people.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, was that just people back there...
a girl I've known my entire life about to hump me to death
with her H.R. Giger love stick?
Okay. They're nuts, but they're not wizards.
We have to go.
Whoever lives here is gonna come home.
No one's gonna be home before sun-up.
[ Distorted voices ]
SAM: Let's just call the police or... or get out of here,
but we can't stay here.
[ Exhales deeply ]
Oh, my God.
You're like a big retarded baby.
My mom and her butt buddies are booty-calling Baphomet,
and we're gonna hide in here like scared little bitches
because they can turn your liver into fire ants.
If they find us, they're not going to kill us.
They're gonna do shit that you can't comprehend.
And they're not going to stop
until you're strapped naked to a barbed-wire altar
with the 15-foot beast of Gehenna
and his double-pronged demon dong
walking out of your cooch chute
like it's a revolving door of ground beef.
Why am I even listening to you? You're one of them.
That's the first smart thing you've said today.
Look, I'm going upstairs and I'm getting a shirt,
and then I'm getting out of here.
Stay or go. It's your choice.
That's cute. You think we have choices.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Insects chirping, animal growling ]
[ Wind blowing ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
Two fuzzy bunnies.
[ Gasps ]
No!
[ Gasping ]
[ Screeching ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Gasping ]
Sam!
I got you. I got you.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. You're gonna be okay. I got you.
[ Gasping ]
[ Squealing ]
[ Grunting ]
Help me!
[ Rattling ]
[ Rattling stops ]
Was I just attacked by a sheet?
Yes.
Well, technically a haxan cloak.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Gasps ]
It's gone!
Your haxan cloak failed.
This wouldn't be the first time you were wrong.
I know you have some of Judi's hair.
Give it to me.
We want to find the girls, not kill them.
Your daughter lost her virginity,
your husband lost our virgin, and your haxan cloak failed.
Someone needs to take charge.
And you're volunteering?
It is five hours until sunrise.
We don't have time for a weak leader.
Now give me her hair and get out of my way.
Is this how everyone feels?
Our... Our children are dead, Danica.
Danielle?
I see. Then I'll prepare the altar.
We'll do it.
This rookie needs a clean slate.
Oh. Here.
The tramp dropped this. She got a call.
Wasn't dropping a veil of shadows
over our activities your job?
Make the witness disappear if you think you can handle it.
Mind the carpet.
[ Exhales deeply ]
Home-schooled, black Amex, new Saab... all when I was 15.
I was the shit.
And then tonight, they summon Baphomet's big hairy ass
and let him do all this sick shit
and he makes them super rulers of the universe.
And you?
Apparently, Baphomet only travels through virgin vag.
Doesn't end well for the virgin.
Wait. You're a virgin?
President of the Promise Keepers.
As soon as I found out why they wanted my cherry,
I didn't even want to.
Found the first guy I could and boned down.
We should stop drinking.
You really want to face this shit sober?
I've seen three people die tonight
and was just attacked by some really expensive sheets.
So I don't really know what to think right now.
Welcome to the world behind the world.
As above, so below.
[ Line rings ]
- Hi, is this Sam's friend? - This is Duncan.
Oh, this is Duncan.
Oh, she would not stop talking about you.
That doesn't surprise me.
Well, I met Sam on Tinder,
but she turned out to be a real disappointment.
All she did was cry and talk about you, so I threw her out.
Then I saw she left her phone,
and, well, I thought I'd go straight to the source.
I'm a bit of a size queen, to be honest with you.
You are? Well, it's uncut.
Oh. That's very impressive.
Well, I have an eight ball of cocaine and feel empty inside.
Why don't you come over and fill me up?
Need me to stop and grab anything?
Scented oils?
The... The kind that warm... warm things up?
DANICA: Trust me...
I'm only interested in your body.
[ Incanting ]
[ Continues incanting ]
ALL: Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
[ Continues incanting ]
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
Um, I-I have to tell you something.
You have feelings for me?
Have another drink. They'll pass.
No.
I'm a virgin.
What?
How the fuck is that possible?
I had a boyfriend, but he just couldn't perform.
- I mean, he's gone now, but... - We're fucked.
I mean, I-I don't... I don't mind if we have to...
Uh, yeah, I-I see what you're doing.
No, I know what you're thinking,
but even if I stuck a fucking candle up your cooch,
it's strictly dickly when it comes to black magic.
- I'm sorry. - Your boyfriend's limp dick
is gonna get us killed.
As soon as... Hey.
You're bleeding.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no. - What?
They have my hair.
- [ Incanting ] - ALL: Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
[ Groans ] Sam, hurry.
We have to seal my skin.
It's the only way.
Write this. Start on my feet.
[ Incanting ]
Fuck.
Okay.
Fuck!
ALL: Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
- I'm drawing it. - [ Coughing ]
- Hang on, hang on, hang on. - [ Breathing heavily ]
- [ Incanting ] - ALL: Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
- Hurry, hurry. - I'm trying, I'm trying.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
[ Retching ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. What is happening?
- [ Incanting ] - ALL: Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
[ Retching ]
[ Coughing ]
SAM: [ Whimpering ]
Keep going.
No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I ca... I can't do this.
I just... I just want to go home.
I was supposed to be a gore streak on a mattress.
And you beat them.
Write.
I can't, I can't.
Tell me a story.
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Harry Potter.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - I don't know what to say!
[ Whimpers ]
I never had a boyfriend.
Tell me about yours.
What, about Daniel?
Um... Um, he could do the entire "Road Warrior" movie,
including sound effects, from memory.
Um, I met him at my first day at AYAO.
Uh, AYAO... the Adolescent Young Adult Oncology Center.
I had to stay there for my chemo.
I'll never love anyone else.
- ALL: Death to the weak. - [ Incanting ]
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
We were in and out of AYAO for two years,
and he taught me a mantra for when I get tense.
Um, it's... it's silly and it's goofy,
but I just focus on two fuzzy bunnies
until they're the only thing in the entire world,
and it just totally blocks out all the pain.
Aah!
[ Gasping ]
Finish my back!
- Finish my back! - Um! Um...
I had Hodgkin's lymphoma, and he had leukemia.
Don't stop!
I had to stay at the hospital for my chemo infusions,
so after each one he'd roll his chair to my door
and do the "Road Warrior" to make me laugh.
He told me that Australia
was the greatest country in the world.
Um, I wrote him songs
about wallabies and wombats and kangaroos,
and the first time we kissed
was after I sang to him about the rainbow lorikeets.
[ Gasping ]
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Don't... Don't stop.
- Don't stop. - Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- [ Gasping ] - [ Incanting continues ]
ALL: Wealth to the strong.
- [ Incanting ] - Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
[ Groans ]
We were gonna celebrate our first cancerversary
by going to Australia together.
But, um, after I went into remission, Daniel didn't.
Two weeks after they told me I was cancer-free,
he went back into AYAO.
I wanted to visit him, but I couldn't.
I mean, no one blamed me. Everyone understood.
But the fact is he never gave up on me, and I gave up on him.
[ Crying ] I ran away.
Judi?
[ Coughing ]
Don't stop.
ALL: Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
No! Come on!
- [ Gagging ] - Come on, come on, come on.
ALL: Death to the weak.
- Come on, come on. - Wealth to the strong.
[ Gasping ]
- [ Coughs ] - Come on.
[ Gasps ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Coughs ]
[ Screams, grunts ]
That Viking whore!
She taught her daughter the book.
Fuck!
The party has arrived, motherfuckers.
Enter freely.
You got lady balls.
People like you normally look at someone like me and think,
"This guy is living the frequency?
I can't handle."
Grade-A melting-snowflake, skin-shivering cocaine.
Like an icy waterfall inside your brain.
Uh...
Yeah.
Oh!
Uh, do you have a beer?
IPA? Light beer is fine. I just...
I have to drive.
Later.
Quitter.
Relax. Snort.
Okay.
[ Inhales sharply ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
- Oh, more? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
[ Inhales sharply ]
[ Exhales slowly ]
- Now, tell me... - Hmm?
How do you feel?
How do I feel? Um...
How do... How do I feel? Uh...
I feel amazing.
Ow.
Come back. What are you doing?
- What's... - [ Slapping legs ]
What's wrong with my legs?
What are you... What are you...?
What'd you do to my legs?
What'd you do to me?
[ Gagging softly ]
Uh-huh.
Yep.
There we go. Uh-huh.
You're going to help me find my daughter.
Mm-hmm. Where are the girls, huh?
[ Coughs ]
[ Grunting ] G-Girls...
You're going to tell me exactly what I need to know.
- DUNCAN: [ Grunting ] - I can't... I can't hear you.
What's that?
Oh, now we're talking.
All right.
Where are they?
Where are these girls, huh?
- [ Snaps ] - Okay.
Fucking unbelievable, Mom.
When they were focused on killing me,
you could've gotten the fuck out of here.
That's what I would've done.
I don't leave my friends behind anymore.
Yeah, I guess we are friends, huh?
I-I mean, do you know any magic that can protect us?
I know they've got one around here somewhere.
Gotcha.
That's not gonna stop them. They're stronger than us.
- So, what happened? - What?
Your story.
You holed up in your house. Then what?
Now?
Um, now I'm trying.
You know, I-I've been busking, and I went and got a job,
and tonight was my first night.
This was supposed to be my big day to turn everything around.
You're right, Sam. They are stronger than us.
They're ruthless, selfish,
and they'll slit each other's throats to kiss satanic ass.
But you know what we are?
What?
You're a blue-collar badass that just won't quit,
and I'm a spoiled brat with a gun.
They don't stand a chance.
[ Exhales sharply ]
I can't believe it.
Huh!
Now, this is what's known as situational irony.
Oh. Spell didn't work? Well...
You taught your daughter the book!
She knows how to skin seal.
You were never gonna give her up!
I found them.
- They're at... - Wait!
Damn it, Kim.
- What? - Yeah, we talked about this.
You know what to do?
Yes.
You scared?
Me too.
[ Dialing ]
Can you read those, honey?
No.
No, I can't, Gary, okay?
I can't read his guts.
[ Cellphone rings ]
That was Danica's department.
Well, we have two hours.
I know that, Gary!
- I can tell time. - [ Ringing continues ]
The worst part... the worst part, Gary...
I saw this coming.
I saw this years ago.
Answer your fucking phone!
[ Ringing continues ]
Airplane mode?
What the shit?
Oh.
God!
[ Groans ]
[ Panting ]
Hello?
JUDI: Gypsy.
Judi.
You want to lead the coven?
Why would you help me?
Because my whore mother tried to kill me.
No, no, no. Not good enough.
You have my hair,
and I don't want to spend the rest of my life on the run.
I want back in.
I have the virgin.
Where are you?
Check your caller I.D.
[ Shrieks ]
You little bitch!
Okay.
The virgin is at my house.
We have two hours, people.
Does anyone here contest my right to lead?
Let's show some hustle, people!
Let's go!
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Scraping ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
Where is she? I know she's in here.
Where is she? It's happening, Gary.
Where is she? I know she's in here.
This is the moment. This is happening, Gary.
- [ Thudding ] - Okay.
No, no, wait!
[ Blade slices ]
Damn it, Kyle.
Baphomet,
king of the witches,
lord of the Knights of Templar,
triple-face fuck monster of remorseless intent
and illuminator of poisonous knowledge,
give me strength in my hour of need.
Help me find them, Baphomet.
This one thing I ask.
[ Whispering ] Judi?
Judi?!
Judi? Judi!
[ Whispering ] Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
- [ Screaming ] - [ Growling ]
Judi!
- You okay? - Uh-huh.
We're in the Vale of Shadows. It's all fucked up.
We got to go.
[ Both gasp ]
I knew no daughter of mine
would give Gypsy Neumieir the time of day.
Well done, sweetie.
Fuck you.
That's no way to talk to your mother.
It's time to go home.
Bring your friend.
You tried to kill me!
- Details. - Run, Sam.
Oh, Samantha, I'm afraid Judi
may have given you the impression
that there's some escape.
No, my millennial moppet.
- We're inevitable. - Shut up, Mom.
Judi, don't make this personal. I'm not happy about it either.
You think I like running around in silly robes
murdering my children?
But you got to either get in the game or sit on the sidelines.
You don't have to do this.
There's no other way.
Do you think killing me is gonna change the world?
You pull that trigger and the sun will still come up tomorrow,
only you'll be just like her.
Oh! Maybe she'll get you a job at her pizza parlor.
Go.
Wouldn't you rather spend a few years on your feet
than a lifetime on your knees?
What life did you leave me?!
You die, then me.
We don't get to choose the world, sweetheart.
- One... - If you want anything good,
- you have to take it. - ...two...
You're young, so I'm trying to be patient.
- ...three. - Forget something?
[ Gasping and coughing ]
Are you kidnapping my daughter?
She'll thank me later. Come on.
What do you have to offer her but plastic shower curtains
and Walmart sweatpants?
All I see are a bunch of Martha Stewart wannabes
who drink white wine and smoke medical marijuana
and listen to '80s playlists.
We run the world.
You're assholes.
DANICA: That little membrane between your legs
is the only thing that gives your sad little life any value.
I'm not letting you touch us.
I hate to admit it, but you're starting to annoy me.
JUDI: [ Voice breaking ] Sam?
Sam.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Sam.
Sam? Sam.
You were right.
I really... I really screwed up.
[ Crying ]
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
No gaps. We don't want any uninvited guests.
Danielle.
The past is the past.
What matters now is the great working.
This is yours.
Danica...
I washed it.
Uh...
I only wanted what was best for the group.
Gypsy just wanted what was best for Gypsy.
Have the balls to own it.
But it's okay. I understand.
I understand what it's like to be under so much pressure.
Yeah.
Almost like you're at the bottom of the sea.
All that water pressing you down, crushing you,
filling your lungs.
And you can't breathe and you can't move
and you can't speak,
and you panic and you struggle,
but it's no use.
[ Gurgling ]
Drowning is the worst feeling in the world.
[ Gasps ]
Danica? We're sorry what happened.
You thought you were backing a winner.
I understand.
Uh, Kim's sorry in particular
for, you know, uh, putting a... a spike through your skull.
[ Smooching ]
I'll squat in the dirt and piss on your grave
before I forgive you.
You picked your side. Now live with it.
Oh!
[ Crying ]
Mom.
Please let me go. I'm sorry.
- No, don't beg her. - I'll do whatever you want.
I'm getting us home.
In five minutes,
you are going to have
your very first sexual encounter,
lose your virginity, and give birth
all at the same time, courtesy of the great Baphomet.
Fear is appropriate.
Don't listen.
She's just a sad old lady with fake lips and a bony ass.
[ Laughs ]
If I wasn't in such a good mood,
I'd cut out your tongue for that.
This is where our lord will be born tonight.
It's going to hurt. I guarantee it.
Mom...
I'll do whatever you want. Please.
Children, b-babies. I-I'll bring you babies.
- I'll... I'll be your breeder. - Shh.
I gave you the greatest honor, and you spat in my face.
Your generation doesn't understand sacrifice.
What's going to happen next
barely begins to express my disappointment.
Are you ready to break the chains of conventional morality
- that stifle our ambitions? - ALL: Yes!
Are you ready to make an investment in your future?
Yes!
And whose power unlocks our true potential?
Hail Satan!
- Who? - Hail Satan!
I can't hear you.
Hail Satan! Hail Satan! Hail Satan!
And who do we welcome here tonight?
Who is his emissary that we summon?
Hail Baphomet, lord of achievement!
Hail Baphomet, master of slaves!
Hail Baphomet, god of success!
Hail Baphomet, bringer of wealth!
Hail fourfold, bringer of joy!
Tonight, we set aside the ways of the old world...
love, empathy, and compassion.
Those are the old tools.
Join me in the invocation.
[ Incanting ]
[ Continues incanting ]
We invoke thee, Baphomet, light bringer.
I am, I think, I will!
I am the sanction, I am the warrant.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak! Wealth to the strong!
Please, please, help me!
Wealth to the strong. I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak. I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
- I am, I think, I will! - Help me, please!
Please, help!
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
Help, please!
ALL: Wealth to the strong.
The holy one comes. Hail Satan.
Please.
Hail Baphomet.
Hail Satan.
Hail Baphomet.
ALL: Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
No, help, help! No!
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughing ]
No, no, no, no, no! No! No, no, no!
Help me, please!
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
[ Laughing ]
SAM: Help!
Ohhh! Oh!
[ Panting ]
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
You!
Ohh!
You fucking bug-eyed, fun-sized asshole!
You turtleneck-wearing, egghead cheap fuck!
All you had to do was tip, you cheap bastard!
My God, who puts corn on pizza, you disgusting fuck?!
You no-tipping, cheap-ass,
Baby Gap-shopping turd on ice!
Fuck!
Protect its womb!
Get back!
Don't hurt it.
I will stab him right through the fucking skull.
You're making a huge mistake.
Get her chains off now.
Samantha.
Get her chains off now!
This is all your fault.
No!
Judi, no!
[ Sobbing ]
Prepare her vile gate for his birth.
No! No! No! Fuck!
No! [ Sobs ]
ALL: Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
[ Panting ]
Come, Baphomet!
Come to us, your worthy servants,
and place us above all others by virtue of our excellence.
Two fuzzy bunnies. Two fuzzy bunnies.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Squishing ]
[ Squeaking ]
GIRL: Sam!
[ Groans softly ]
Whee!
Sammy!
You shouldn't be here.
Isn't this funny?
Who are you?
My name's Samaziel. I'm from hell.
Someone made an oopsie.
Wait, did you make everyone disappear?
There are 11 princes in hell, and I'm way up here.
And that stinky Baphomet is way down there,
and worshipping him first is against the rules,
and breaking the rules makes me poopy.
What did you do?
Silly billies. They think they're so strong.
There's always someone stronger.
I'll show them.
Spin me!
♪ There's always someone stronger ♪
♪ There's always someone meaner ♪
♪ There's always someone stronger ♪
♪ There's always someone meaner ♪
I'm the biggest meanie of them all.
[ Gasps ] Bunnies!
So, what happens now?
Mr. Bunny's gonna teach them a lesson.
Uh, and what about me?
You're going to have to ask Mr. Bunny.
Uh, what about me, Mr. Bunny?
Mr. Bunny says you helped me tonight.
So we'll kill you fast.
Uh, look, can't Mr. Bunny just let me go home?
Mr. Bunny's a meanie.
Code of the Sams.
What?
Y-You said that breaking the rules makes you poopy.
What about code of the Sams?
Samaziel.
Sam.
I mean, you have to help me. It's... It's the rule.
You made that up.
Are you sure?
'Cause there's like seven million Sams in the world,
and you're the first one I've ever met
that's never heard of the code of the Sams.
It's Sams helping Sams.
It's our jam.
You're a liar.
Look, you have all these other people to play with.
Wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry?
Sam...
What?
[ Flesh tearing ]
[ Rabbit screeching ]
[ Distorted ] Run.
♪ I don't need your help or your hatred ♪
♪ You stay the fuck away from me ♪
[ Laughing ]
♪ Hear the scratch of the rats in the walls ♪
ALL: I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will.
Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.
[ All gasping ]
♪ Led me here ♪
♪ Said, "Hold my hand" ♪
♪ A young nymph defiled then ♪
♪ My body fights itself inside ♪
♪ I feel it bow ♪
♪ This mortal hold ♪
[ Laughing ]
Come on! Please, please, please, please.
Please start, please start. Please, please.
- Come on, come on! - [ Engine starts ]
[ Gasping ]
Oh, thank you.
♪ You carrier ♪
♪ You repulse me ♪
♪ Heard the sound of her knees scrape against the street ♪
♪ You, the dirty one ♪
♪ What you took from me ♪
♪ There was nothing left but hypocrisy ♪
♪ Holy odium, blotted memory ♪
♪ But my regret will never consume me ♪
♪ The ocean's licking tongue ♪
♪ A letting of the blood ♪
♪ A vile prophecy ♪
♪ Scrape it out of me ♪
Looks like you had a fun night.
Where's my thermal bag?
You can't bring a rodent in here.
She's not a rodent. She's Judi Jr.
Where the hell you think you're going?
Australia.
[ Brass Hearse's "In Death (I'll Love You More)" plays ]
♪ There are more things in heaven and earth ♪
♪ Than can be dreamt of ♪
♪ I wonder how far above ♪
♪ In death I'll love you more ♪
♪ Wings don't always mean you're good ♪
♪ And sometimes evil is misunderstood ♪
♪ There is a fire burning deep within my heart ♪
♪ I'll never let it hurt you ♪
♪ I'll never let it stop ♪
♪ In death I'll love you more ♪
♪ Our souls coalesce ♪
♪ Our wasted flesh ♪
♪ Is all that's left of mortal age ♪
♪ Disappear, disintegrate ♪
♪ The substance of which we were made ♪
♪ And still forever one ♪
♪ We shall rem-a-a-a-ain ♪
♪ In death I'll love you more ♪
♪ I'll love you more ♪
♪ In death I'll love you more ♪
♪ I'll love you mo-o-o-o-o-re ♪