Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
Welcome to Family Drug Mart,
big chain discounts with small family values.
Do you have a family rewards card?
I do.
I have it here somewhere.
We can also bring it up with your phone number.
No, no, I have it here.
I know I do.
Call back up already.
This is ridiculous.
Back up to the registers, please.
Back up to the registers.
Here it is.
There you go.
Thank you.
Welcome to Family Drug Mart,
big chain values with small family... values.
God! God!
Hallelujah!
God! God! God! God!
God! God! God!
Hallelujah!
God! God! God! God! God!
Hallelujah!
Hi Dad, what are you up to?
I'm just decluttering the apartment.
I can come over with a hefty bag,
it'd be spotless in an hour.
No, no, no, honey.
I have a process.
Yeah, a hundred year process.
Come on.
You know, I'm making headway.
Besides which, you probably have a date.
It's Friday night.
Yeah.
Yeah, big date.
Really, with who?
This guy.
God.
A righteous man, good choice.
All right, I gotta go.
Wait, wait.
Did you happen to take a brown washcloth
when you were here last?
No.
I wonder if the super came and stole it.
No, Dad, the superintendent did not
come into your apartment and take a brown washcloth.
Oh.
Okay.
I love you, I gotta go.
Wait, wait, when are you gonna come over
and take your boxes?
I don't have any boxes over there.
Yes you do.
You have an award that you won in high school
and some mail that still comes here for you.
Just throw all that stuff out.
You don't want your award from high school?
Nope.
Well, there's a box of your mother's stuff
that you should go through.
Why do you have a box of my mother's things?
Well, you said you didn't want it when she died,
so I kept it in case you changed your mind someday.
Oh, dad, I haven't wanted it in 25 years.
I don't think I'm gonna change my mind now.
Uh-huh.
You know, some letters she wrote when you were little.
You don't want those?
No.
And maybe some music stuff.
Just throw it all out, okay?
I gotta go.
Okay.
I'll hold onto it until you can go through it.
I love you too.
Bye.
God. God. God.
Hello, I'm here for the piano.
Over here.
Oh wow.
It's even nicer than in the pictures.
Why are you selling it?
You got cash?
Yeah.
Take it.
Wait, are you Samantha Miller?
You know, I love your music.
I mean, I used to listen to your record all the time,
like 20 years ago.
Why didn't you ever make another one?
I've been a little busy.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Hey Samantha, how are ya?
I'm fine.
How you be do?
How do you do?
How...
How are you be...
How are you be?
Hi.
S'up boo?
What?
I said I'm good boo, s'up?
I have no idea what you're saying to me.
You asked me how I was.
You said how are you be?
I was talking to myself.
Oh, my bad.
Put your earbuds in and then no one will know.
Ear buds?
♪ Please cause I'm begging you ♪
♪ Even with the world fallin' down ♪
♪ Leave the light on ♪
I think you may be in the wrong line, ma'am.
All the same items count as one item.
Six cans of tuna is one item.
Three cans of tomato sauce, two.
Three boxes of pasta, three.
Two cartons of eggs, four.
This is the 10 items or less line, right?
Yeah.
And I have four items, that's less than 10.
So why do you think that I'm in the wrong line?
You're fine.
I'm fine?
I'm fine.
Yes.
Let me see what you have.
Let's see.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 12.
Wow, that's a lot.
13, 14.
I mean, I don't know, 20, 30,
and that's not even half of them.
So let's agree that, conservatively speaking,
you have 60 or 70 items, right?
Hm?
Yeah?
So it seems actually that you are in the wrong line, sir.
Hey, excuse me.
Would you mind using one of those bikes?
Why?
Because this is the only bike that's in the shade.
Those have a lot of sun on them
because the blinds are broken
and I don't like the sun in my eyes.
I'm in the middle of my workout.
Sorry.
So, how long you work out for?
I don't know.
An hour, hour and a half.
And how long you been working out?
I'm not moving!
Just go!
Go ahead!
Go!
The light is against you, watch where you're going.
Yeah?
Get off the fucking phone.
Oh my God.
Are you crazy?
Asshole.
Hey!
Hey, hey!
Don't you ever touch my fucking phone.
Don't text and drive, it's selfish and it's dangerous.
You know, if you weren't an old lady,
I'd beat the shit out of you.
Oh, you wanna fight?
Okay, come on, have a fist fight.
Okay, fuck you crazy bitch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, really?
- You wanna fucking fight? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, all right, all right.
Pussy.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
You wanna have a fight but you don't really
wanna have a fight, and I'm ready to fight,
I'm right here, but you're not doing anything,
so now I'm gonna go.
Okay yeah, you better walk away.
Hey hey hey!
Fuck!
Ow.
Hey, lady.
Lady! Lady!
Got it all on film if you want it.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, let me see.
What the fuck?
What are you doing?
Thanks.
Thanks very much.
Asshole.
What the fuck, are you crazy?
Yeah, I'm crazy.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Shut the fuck up.
Police!
♪ We're careful now on the B side ♪
♪ The longer offer ♪
Wait, wait wait.
Come on.
Are you really cutting in front of me?
Hey.
Do you understand what people are saying to you?
Samantha, not this again.
Because I don't know what people are talking about.
Like, I mean, why are they even talking?
This isn't that like age thing,
where suddenly you don't know what that thing is called
that you sweep dust into with a broom.
I literally don't know what people are talking about.
What's happening?
No.
That doesn't happen to me.
I do understand what people are saying to me.
I do understand what's happening.
Come on.
Let's move.
I can't do your whole thing again.
Excuse me, I didn't realize that moving to another table
was a whole thing.
Fine, we'll stay here.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Deeply.
And I've tried, I really have.
But it's just too draining.
I mean, maybe you need to talk to someone.
Maybe that will help.
What do you mean, talk to someone?
I am talking to someone.
I'm talking to you, my friend.
You're depressed.
It happens.
Sometimes we need help from a therapist.
Even go on medication for a while.
Doesn't have to be forever.
There's no shame in it.
I'm not depressed.
I don't have to go on medication.
What do I have to be depressed about?
Depression doesn't need a reason.
And it runs in your family too.
What is that supposed to mean?
You told me your mother was depressed.
She wasn't depressed, she just hated herself.
Are you dating anyone?
Oh God, no.
Why not?
Because I've seen enough men lie on my couch
in their dirty underwear, sniffing their balls
and watching the same sports center
over and over and over again
to last a hundred lifetimes.
No, thank you.
My boyfriend doesn't do that.
Yes.
Yes he does.
You just don't see it anymore.
In your brain it's a mirage.
It's a mirage where he's tentatively listening
to everything that happened in your day
or he's reading a book or going down on you
with the same enthusiasm that he did
when you guys first met.
I really think you need some help.
You can go now.
Look, I just wanna be having some fun.
You should wanna have some fun.
Right.
I mean shit's hard enough,
and life is getting shorter fast.
Yeah, I get that.
What did you do to your ankle?
Just having some fun.
Excuse me, do you mind?
It's a dustpan.
The thing you sweep dirt into with a broom.
You should go to the hospital.
For your ankle.
Dustpan.
Discharge papers.
I gave you Vicodin for the pain.
Is there anyone here who can take you home?
Husband, boyfriend, kid?
How many years of your life
would you be willing to subtract
to be able to fly for 10 seconds?
One?
Five?
I'm talking about the end of your life,
like if God said, "Okay, you're 50,
you're gonna live to be a hundred."
How many years would you be willing to trade
to fly for 10 seconds?
I'd trade 'em all.
I've been an atheist my whole life.
And I've been willing to be wrong about that
the entire time.
It didn't matter either way.
My life was so full of beautiful things,
I didn't need to ascribe any grander meaning to it.
It was just psychedelic all by itself.
Little things.
Big things.
Great things.
Awful things.
Just all full of meaning.
And that's the best you can ask for, a meaningful life.
But all that's gone now.
All the meaning I've been given
in this lifetime has been used up.
I don't wanna fall in love anymore.
I don't wanna fuck anymore.
I don't wanna write any more songs.
I have said everything I wanted to say.
You know, I wanted to have kids.
If I met someone and fell in love
and they were an expression of that love.
A family.
Christmas presents.
Halloween.
I had a few great loves in my life,
but you know, they didn't turn into that.
I'm exhausted.
It's all I could do to lift my handful
of pills to my mouth to kill myself,
let alone live a whole nother half a lifetime.
So you gotta give me something new or I'm outta here.
10 second flight.
Something.
All right guys, you're wrapped for today.
If you have costumes, make sure to leave them with wardrobe
and hand in your vouchers before heading out.
And remember, an important thing for tomorrow,
you're extras.
You guys are extras.
Your lips should be moving but no sounds
should be coming out of your mouths.
Okay?
Awesome.
Great job today.
Thanks guys.
Another jumper.
Nah, this lady didn't jump, she was pushed.
You think?
I know.
Gotta tell you man, this job is starting to get to me.
What do you think, that's 125 feet up there?
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
How you be do?
No, no, no.
You're not supposed to talk, just mouthing.
Sorry to see you leave us.
What are you gonna do now?
Oh, you know, same as here.
Be part of the anonymous background of life.
Even better, I won't have to talk or listen to anyone
say even one single word.
Ah, you're retiring.
Congratulations.
Florida?
The beach every day?
Who's luckier than you?
Nobody.
Okay, but are they gonna be great or they gonna be like...
I think the pitching is wrong.
Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, listen.
So like if you were really a priest
and somebody asked you what I asked you last night,
what would you tell them?
I'm not a real priest, I'm just an extra.
I'm wearing a costume.
No, yeah, obviously I know that, you know,
but, just pretend you were a priest
and somebody said to you what I said to you last night.
What would you say?
I don't think that's allowed.
I think that might even be like illegal,
impersonating a cop kind of thing.
Sir, I'm not gonna call the cops or the pope or anybody.
If you could just answer this one question
and I promise I won't ask you anything else ever again.
You're not gonna go to jail and you're not going to hell.
I promise.
Okay.
I guess I'd say look harder before you go.
I mean, if you really think that nothing matters anymore,
this is all we got.
At least try to look harder and make damn sure
one last time before you go.
Something like that.
I don't know, that's stupid.
I don't know.
- I have no idea. - No, no, it's good.
Yeah, I mean, look harder one more time before I go.
I could sign up for that.
No, no, no, I'm not...
I thought we were pretending.
I'm not telling you to do that.
Please don't do that.
Relax, relax.
No, relax.
I am not gonna hold you responsible
no matter what the outcome.
Okay.
Hi guy.
Look at you go.
There you go, miss.
Hey.
Get.
Not today guys.
Oh, God.
All right, well, meet someone special.
Stop.
Okay.
Create user profile.
Okay.
Choose photo.
Hmm, no.
I don't think so.
About me.
I like fixing things and I'm handy handy handy handy handy.
There we go.
Create username.
Before I go.
Yay.
Oh, fuck.
Stop.
This is ridiculous.
Let's try something else.
Let's see.
45 to 60, oh geez.
Okay, that's better.
Fun, fun, fun.
Mountain climbing, horseback riding, skiing for outside fun.
Movies, romantic dinners, game nights at microbreweries
for inside fun, which really means I love
sitting on your couch in my dirty underwear,
sniffing my balls while watching the same sports center
over and over and over again.
Right?
Yes.
I have a headache anyway.
Unbelievable.
Are you having trouble getting online?
What?
Oh, it sounds as if you're having trouble getting online.
No, I'm good.
Thank you.
If you forgot the password, I can-
- No, I didn't forget anything.
I don't need anything.
I'm just trying to have my cup of coffee please.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Miss big fancy actress.
What?
I saw you acting in the movie across the street.
I'm not a big fancy actress.
I'm just a woman having a cup of coffee.
Oh, so we're not supposed to even speak
to the big fancy actress.
Even if we're just the little people
who sometimes forget passwords
and are just trying to help.
Another jumper.
No, this lady didn't jump, she was pushed.
You think?
I know.
Oh big fancy actresses who deign to have coffee
with the plebeians.
We're so humbled to be in your presence.
We're sorry for any inconvenience,
but if you could not yell at the actors,
that would be great.
Thank you so much.
What show is this, "Law & Order"?
Something like that.
I like CSI better.
Because the actresses are better
and don't fancy themselves to be Dame Judi Dench.
Cut!
What the...
Why isn't this locked up?
You can't yell like that.
They're allowed to be filming here.
An actress mistreated me and I have every right
to express myself.
What actress mistreated you?
That woman right there.
The one next to the priest.
The one in the crowd behind the police tape?
Yes, that woman!
I don't think he's gonna stop.
Your best bet is just to lose the extra.
Sorry.
Good luck.
It's solid, man.
This is like a totally...
It's practically new and look-
- Yeah practically it's broken.
Look at this.
What are you talking about?
A burn here.
The thing is a mess.
That's not a burn,
that's just part of the wood, man.
Come down.
40 bucks.
Okay, 30 bucks.
30 bucks.
Come on.
- 20. - Wait, wait, wait.
20 seems fair-
- Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, honey, when did you get here?
Just in the nick of time.
You're not taking that trash home.
It is not trash.
I thought the point was to declutter, not add clutter.
Well, this will help me.
You see, to take all the stuff off the table
in your own room and store it in one place.
But you don't need to store it.
You need to go through it and throw it away.
All right, sir.
My father will not be needing your help.
Oh, so you're gonna help me get it home?
I will not.
All right then, let's go.
- Come on. - No, no, no.
Okay, here, wait, hold on.
Here's 20 bucks to not help my father take it home.
Come on, no, no, stop it, honey.
Okay, I won't take it.
Don't pay him.
Oh, come on, man.
Come on, I'll walk you home.
Well can I get a couple bucks at least,
like for my time?
What, from the time we took away from you
studying for the bar?
Oh, that's fucked up.
Be nice, honey.
Come on.
What happened to your foot here?
Just having some fun.
Hey, you want this dresser?
It's 40 bucks.
Ever thought about what you would do
with all the hours created by not decluttering every day?
No.
Well think about it.
What could you do that you loved?
What could you do with all that free time?
I could worry more, I guess.
I'm proud of you not bringing that trash home.
Oh I couldn't have done it without you.
Why don't you come up and go through your boxes?
Dad, I'm busy.
That's what you always say.
I know, I promise I'll come over this week.
Okay?
I love you.
I love you too.
Put it right...
Put it right here.
Oh good.
That's it.
Thanks.
Oh, it's like a museum in here.
- Oh, thank you kind sir. - It's amazing.
Thank you.
You renew my faith in the younger generation.
You know an appreciation for old things
proves character in one.
Oh, thanks for helping me, man.
Yeah, thank you.
No problem.
Really.
Hey.
Sal around?
Sal died about five years ago.
No.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Amazing, I've been eating your pizza
since I was a little kid.
Since like the old place down on 95th Street,
near the symphony space.
It's a Starbucks now.
Yeah.
Are you related?
I'm Carmine's grand nephew I guess you would say.
Well, they taught you well.
Still the best slice in town.
Thank you.
And you know what was really cool too
is that you guys never delivered.
They could have made a mint but they were like,
you know what, you want pizza,
get off your ass and come and get it.
Yeah, it's different now though.
We're actually looking to hire someone to deliver.
Yeah, I saw that.
Yeah.
How much?
10 bucks an hour, plus tips.
Okay.
I'll take it.
Okay.
What?
No, come on.
You can get around okay?
Oh yeah, this is nothing.
All right, let's see what you got.
All right.
300 Riverside Drive.
Yeah, right onto 102nd Street.
All right.
Hi.
Hi, sorry for the delay.
No problem.
You had the extra cheese, right?
Yes, thanks.
That's $22.
Oh.
Oh, sorry, I thought it was just 20.
Hold on.
Did you check it for spiders?
The pizza?
Yeah.
I do not like spiders.
No, sir.
No spiders.
Just extra cheese.
But did you check it?
You know, no matter where you are,
you're never more than four feet away from a spider.
They hide.
Oh, I did not know that.
Oh, sorry for the wait.
There are no spiders on the pizza, honey.
They checked.
Watch.
No spiders.
Just extra cheese.
Yay.
No spiders on the pizza!
♪ No spiders on the pizza ♪
Sorry about that.
That's okay, I don't like spiders either.
Thank you.
Good night.
All right.
Hey, do you have any fresh turkey pate?
Oh, no I'm sorry.
We only have it in the can.
In the can?
Yeah, it's over there by the tuna fish.
Mm.
Mm mm mm mm.
Hello.
Hi, Samantha Miller?
Yes.
I'm calling from the 50 is the new 30
dating website.
We see you're a new member
and wanted to know how it's going.
Have you had many dates?
Is there anyone you like?
Now, if you haven't enough suitors,
we noticed you didn't post a picture
and research shows people with a picture
get 3000% greater response.
I need to go.
My God, I'm eating cat food, I gotta go!
Ughhh.
What are you doing?
It's cold out here.
Come here.
Come in here.
What's the matter, you hungry?
You got no more food left in there?
What do worms eat?
Fruit and veggie scraps, coffee grounds and egg shells.
Okay, that we can handle.
All right.
Look what I got for you.
We got some banana peel.
And we got a little egg shell.
There you go.
Bon appetit.
Apple crumble, very hot,
with two scoops of chocolate ice cream.
Make it three scoops.
You got it.
You look beautiful.
Even more so than your picture.
That's excellent.
Excuse me?
No, I stand by my original statement.
You are even prettier in person, even with the...
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, I'm Walt, from the website.
I don't usually meet someone
if they haven't posted a picture,
but I had a feeling about you and I was right.
Apple crumble with three scoops of chocolate ice cream.
Very hot.
Mm-hmm.
The dating website.
We said that we were gonna meet here at 7,
have a drink or pie.
That's cool too.
Yeah.
I think you have me confused with somebody else.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Come on, my pictures were accurate.
I took them last week.
You don't think I look like that guy?
Look, I'm the same weight, the same height, same exact age.
You know?
This is no bait and switch.
Yes, sir?
Really?
I'll have what she's having, but vanilla ice cream.
I know this can be weird.
What can?
Meeting people like this.
Dating like this.
Yeah, I wouldn't know.
I've never done it.
Oh.
Oh, well, okay.
Okay, that explains it.
That makes sense.
Yeah, really?
Okay.
Tell me.
May I?
Maybe you're nervous and you wanna back out.
That's totally normal until you get used to it.
Isn't the point to meet somebody the first time
so you don't have to get used to it?
Of course.
But that can take a while.
No, not with me.
I know instantly.
Really?
You've never been wrong.
I haven't had a second date in 10 years.
So you know from hello.
From before that.
It's about the smell.
That's great.
I smell fantastic.
You do.
You smell great.
So?
But you don't smell like the love of my life.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry, really, but life is short.
I respect your life.
I don't wanna waste your time.
You're aware that you have lipstick smeared on your face.
You would still fuck me.
Well...
You might even still marry me.
That I don't know about.
But either way, the decision wouldn't be based on
the fact that on her first internet date
I had lipstick smeared on the side of my face.
It would just be something in the cute quirky column
but not enough to make you propose to me,
or something weird and slightly off putting
but not enough for you to not keep dating me, right?
Okay.
So why waste my time or our precious time
with that question?
Because your answer would help me get to know you better.
But we're not gonna get to know each other better.
I just said that.
So then it just becomes about you continuing
to hit on me even though I told you I wasn't interested.
Okay.
Look, I gave this a chance.
I gave you a chance.
You know, you're handsome.
You're probably a fine person, a catch even.
But I have no interest.
I really am more preoccupied with whether or not
my pie is getting cold than whether or not you like me.
Not a good sign
A chance.
You gave me a chance to get smelled.
No offense, but that's kind of a tight window
to wriggle through, given your criteria.
There we go.
There it is.
It took a little while to show up, but here we go.
You know better than me how I should live my life.
No, no, no.
That's not what I meant.
Listen, I tried to masturbate the other night
and I stopped halfway through because I had a headache.
I'm making up excuses not to have sex with myself.
Where do you think that leaves you?
So not even a conversation to get to know each other.
Fine.
A conversation to get to know each other better.
Is that what you want?
Okay.
Hi, my name is Walt.
I went to school.
Oh really?
I went to school too.
What do you do now?
Oh, I do this.
What do you do?
I do that.
Oh my gosh.
You're amazing.
Why are you still single?
I don't know.
Why are you still single?
In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out.
Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster.
Faster?
Yeah.
Okay, maybe slower.
Slower?
Yeah.
Want me to go down on you again?
Oh.
Okay.
Do you feel good?
Yeah.
All right, come here.
Come here, come here.
Yeah.
Was I not doing it right?
No, you're so good at that.
You really are.
You're a really good lover.
You're kind and attentive and skilled.
Really skilled.
Really.
Yeah.
You're just not into it, are you?
I'm not.
But I'm giving it the good old college try.
I'm just here.
What's wrong, do you think?
I'm just not sure if reheating
the leftover apple crumble pie a second time
is gonna make it taste weird.
I gave you new ice cream.
Thank you, Javier.
Well, at least I know it's not personal.
You treat everybody like shit.
Your date was cute.
He didn't deserve that treatment.
No wonder you got fired.
You have a serious attitude problem.
I'm sure that translates to the set.
Big fancy actress gets fired from her
big, fancy, CSI type show.
You know, not everyone is blessed with enough talent
to make a career in the business.
You should count your lucky stars
and show some gratitude to thems that got you where you are.
Sir.
I am sorry if I insulted you in any way.
I am not an actress.
I don't have a career in the business.
Now can I just eat my pie in peace?
Now, see, was that so hard?
To act all civil-like.
Maybe you ain't such a varmint after all.
Why are you talking like you're in an old Western movie?
Do you love old Western movies?
I love old Western movies.
I love all old movies.
Hey, are you in any old movies?
Obviously not really old cause you're too young,
but sorta old, maybe as a child actor.
I'm not an actress.
I've never been an actress.
Then why were you shooting that CSI episode?
I seen you there, hombre.
Can you please stop talking like that?
Can I get a check?
Sure.
You're no fun.
I did see you shooting that episode though.
I'm an extra, that's all.
Did you really get fired?
Yeah.
I feel bad now.
It's fine.
Hey, let me make it up to you.
No, really.
No, I have a job for you.
It's an easy $300, which is a might bit more
than you were making on that other job over yonder.
Thank you, but no.
I promise I'm not a weirdo.
Well, at least not the scary kind.
Come on, little missy.
It'll be fun.
Who is it?
It's me, Rhett.
Well, what a nice surprise.
Come in.
Hello, Scarlet.
I brought you a fine fancy new chapeau from Paris, France.
Rhett, I really can't continue taking these presents,
though you are very kind.
I'm not being kind, Scarlet.
I'm just teasing you.
And I never give anything without expecting
something in return.
And I always get what I want.
If you think I'll walk down the nuptials aisle
cupid-like with you just to pay for the bonnet,
I will not.
Don't kid yourself, Scarlet.
You know I'm not the marrying type of man.
Well, I certainly will not kiss you for it
if that's what you're expecting.
Fine.
I'm not gonna kiss you, Scarlet.
Although that's what you need.
You need a lot of kissing, little missy.
And more than once, by someone who knows
when good kissing is real kissing.
You're a really self-centered, cold hearted scallywag,
Rhett Butler, and I don't know why I let you
come visit me out yonder.
I'll tell you why, Scarlet.
Cause I'm the only man over 18 and under 80
who's around to show you when a hootenanny
would become a hoedown.
It's actually a hoedown is worth a hootenanny.
Oh, worth it, damn it.
I'm the only man over 18 and under 80
who's around to show you when a hoedown...
Hoedown.
When a hoedown is worth a hootenanny.
You're very entertaining.
I'm sorry that you never made it.
Oh, that's okay.
You know what one little turn of the Rubik's cube
and the universe would have made me Lawrence Olivier
and him me.
I still have fun.
So, que cera cera, little lady.
Hey, you wanna read another scene tomorrow?
Hi honey.
Hey, uhh
Did you and my mother love each other?
Course, very much.
Then like, how come you got divorced
when I was just a little kid?
We were both so crazy and young.
I was 23, I think my mother was 21.
I mean, we just weren't ready.
I was born three months after you got married
and you were Catholic.
Is that why you got married, cause she got pregnant?
No.
We got married because we were in love
and we wanted to have a family.
So I was planned.
Well, not really.
I mean, but when your mother became pregnant
we both were overjoyed, of course.
Yeah?
You sure you didn't just keep me cause you keep everything?
No.
Don't be silly.
I mean, I actually had you secretly baptized
for Christ sakes.
What?
What are you talking about?
Well, for some reason, your mother didn't want to do it.
And so one night when she was out
I had the priest come over and he baptized you in the tub.
In the house?
The bathroom tub.
So I've been officially Catholic my whole life
and I never knew it?
Well, I didn't want you to have to go to hell
if you died as a baby, so of course.
That's why they baptize people?
Oh come on, you know this.
No.
I'm not Catholic.
We didn't go to church.
You didn't raise me Catholic.
You guys were hippies.
I'm not Catholic.
At least, I didn't know I was until just now.
Well, you were born with original sin,
I had to take care of it.
Wow.
Okay.
So why didn't my mother want me baptized?
I don't remember.
Obviously because she didn't care
if I went to hell or not.
Classic.
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
Okay, well, any other bombs you wanna drop on me?
Now's the time.
No, that's it.
Listen, can you come over?
Bring some Nemos?
I have Haagen-Dazs.
And you can go through your boxes.
I'm going to bed, I'll talk to you soon.
All right, come over anyway.
You don't have to go through the boxes tonight.
It's okay.
I'm going to bed.
All right.
Night, I love you.
I love you too.
But, if you happen to come out,
would you leave a chocolate Nemo with the doorman, please?
Even if you don't really wanna come up?
Dad, I'm going to bed.
I'm not going out for Nemos.
Okay.
I love you.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you sir.
Look what we got.
Nemos!
♪ Listen ♪
♪ I've made a million mistakes ♪
♪ Not one of them was a waste ♪
♪ Maybe this is the beginning ♪
♪ Samantha Miller is my name ♪
♪ Come out come out and play ♪
♪ Let's pretend together and ♪
Stop mommy, I wanna sing it with you.
Do you know the words?
♪ Samantha Miller is my name ♪
♪ Come out come out and play ♪
Perfect.
♪ Samantha Miller is my name ♪
♪ Come out come out and play ♪
♪ Let's pretend together and love the live long day ♪
♪ The weather doesn't matter ♪
♪ It can rain or shine ♪
♪ As long as we're together ♪
♪ We'll have fun all the time ♪
♪ You come ♪
♪ Out of the darkness when I'm fading in here on the ground ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ When I can hear it in silence you speak me the sound ♪
♪ And then I whisper no I'm far from love ♪
♪ But I'm alive right now ♪
♪ Before I go I don't know much but I'm alive right now ♪
♪ I see it all looking down ♪
Honey, no no no.
That's not nice, not while the woman is playing.
But, I wanna play here.
I know baby, I know, but not now.
Later, okay?
Hey.
Hi.
She's amazing huh?
She's here all the time.
I'm surprised nobody's snatched her up
and given her a record deal.
Good luck with that.
Yeah.
It's a tough business I'm sure.
We met before.
I delivered pizza to you.
Oh yeah.
I remember.
You live in the neighborhood?
Yeah, my whole life.
Hi.
We haven't been formally introduced.
My name is Samantha.
Harrison.
That's a neat name.
Thanks.
I'm named after The Beatles.
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps", my favorite Beatles song.
Kinda long for a kid's name,
so I figured I'd name her after its writer.
It's a very cool name.
Are you a musician?
I wish.
I'm a teacher.
Chloe.
Samantha.
Do you know how to play your mom's favorite song?
No?
It's a very hard song.
Can you teach me?
Can I teach you?
Harrison.
Well, I can, I can teach her.
Can she, mom?
Well...
You're a music teacher?
No, but I used to...
The pizza delivery thing is just a short gig.
I'm figuring things out.
This is way too much information,
but yes, I can teach her.
Hey, are you sure you can keep up?
I don't mean to be a dick, but they can't get cold.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna be faster.
All right.
Look, when there's three of them
you gotta put 'em in sideways like this, okay?
Yeah.
Yoo-hoo.
Where'd you go?
It's me, Samantha.
Came to visit you.
Here, try some Sal's pizza.
You want some Sal's pizza?
It's the best pizza in New York.
Yeah, you already knew that.
All right.
Hey, this is going to 350 West 101 Broadway.
Yeah, between West End and Riverside.
Hey, what do you got for me?
Listen, I'm really sorry but I just...
I just don't think it's working out.
I understand.
Yeah, maybe when your foot gets better.
No, it's all right, I completely understand.
I had a blast.
Tell Carmine I said hi, huh?
Yeah, will do.
You're a noble young man, keeping up the family work.
It's a lost art.
The world needs more people like you.
Thanks.
You be well.
♪ I can reach out till it's gone ♪
♪ Try to touch something I've lost ♪
♪ I'm not running ♪
♪ I just can't slow down ♪
♪ Kinda funny nothing's wrong ♪
♪ Just too long before I fall ♪
♪ So I'm holding on for something wonderful ♪
♪ So listen, listen there's things ♪
Oh, don't stop there.
That's my favorite part.
I should have put two and two together.
I have no idea why I didn't recognize you.
Your music has meant so much to me.
Thank you.
Your first record is one of my all time favorite albums.
I still have it on vinyl.
That's about the only way you could have it.
Okay, I finished my schoolwork.
Can we start now?
Yes.
Hey, could you teach her your song?
The one you were just playing.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can teach her that.
Harrison, Samantha is one of my favorite singers.
You know the record I always play?
The one you like too.
You'll know the song when she plays it.
That one.
Oh yeah.
Yes, yes, yes!
I wanna play that.
Okay.
Go ahead.
No, this one.
This one, this one.
Oh yeah, I remember.
♪ Ooh ♪
Thank you guys.
Thank you so much.
It's okay, we can go to another corner.
Wait, hang on a second.
Hi, I got a favor.
I have this little girl, she's very talented and...
Okay.
What did you tell her?
Nothing.
All right everyone.
So I have a special guest with me today,
and I would love for her to come up and play a song.
Harrison, you wanna come up?
Now, mom?
Go.
Hey, you wanna play something for us?
Wait, actually, no.
Why don't you play for your first real gig?
- You can use it. - Really?
Yeah, uh-huh.
I'm more nervous than both of you.
Spiders she's afraid of.
This she can handle.
♪ I can reach out till it's gone ♪
♪ Try to touch something I've lost ♪
♪ I'm not running ♪
♪ I just can't slow down ♪
♪ Kinda funny nothing's wrong ♪
♪ Just too long before I fall ♪
♪ Still I'm betting on something wonderful ♪
♪ So listen ♪
♪ Listen there's things I can't say ♪
♪ Forgiveness I've given too late ♪
♪ Can you hold on just a minute ♪
♪ And listen ♪
♪ Listen ♪
♪ I've made a million mistakes ♪
♪ Not one of them was a waste ♪
♪ Maybe this is the beginning ♪
♪ And listen ♪
♪ Listen ♪
Can I check the mail?
Yeah.
I can't thank you enough.
I mean, she's been talking about being a rock star
since she was, I don't know, born.
Her first word might've been rockstar.
Yeah?
I mean, you made her dream come true.
I didn't really do anything.
You know, she's a good kid and she's really talented.
She'd love it.
I mean, I'd love it if you kept working with her.
It'd be our honor.
I'd like to, and I mean no offense, but I...
And I have great respect for what you do
and what all teachers do,
but I just always wanted to be the one on the stage.
I get it.
Teaching's not for everyone.
Well, give a call if you ever wanna
grab a coffee or something.
I promise I won't act like a babbling fan.
That's out of my system now.
Okay, cool.
Nothing good.
Just junk.
Okay, well say goodbye to Samantha.
Bye.
You did really good.
When's the next lesson?
I wanna learn another song for my next performance.
Samantha has things she has to do.
She can't have another lesson.
But we'll see her soon, I'm sure.
Okay.
Okay, well, thank you.
Okay.
See ya.
Bye.
Hello.
Hi.
Which one's yours?
The little girl with the pink vest on,
about to go down the slide,
after she pushes that little...
Hope!
Don't push him out of the way.
It's his turn now.
He's ahead of you.
You get to go next.
But he's hogging it!
What a beautiful thing to name a little girl Hope.
I wonder how hearing that over and over again my whole life
would have changed my point of view.
My turn!
Get away from me!
Or not.
My father has been trying to slay his demons for 60 years.
He had Gestalt therapy in the seventies.
Jungian workshops in the eighties.
Prayer and meditation groups in the nineties
and 12 step programs ever since.
Nobody has tried harder than my father to change.
His mother used to lock him in closets when he was a kid.
Yeah.
Maybe that's why he keeps his closet so full
so nobody can lock him in there,
and his apartment is so packed with stuff
so that nobody could get to him.
His own little fortresses of private memories
that only he can control.
She didn't hold him either, when he was little.
It's strange how something so small
can make the world unsafe forever.
But I'm sure you hold Hope.
I'm sorry.
All right.
You're not on an extra, are you?
I mean...
I mean this isn't a film set, is it?
Good luck to you.
Okay.
And your father.
Thank you.
The same to you, two, both.
- Hope. - Okay.
Dude, what are you doing?
You can't do this, it's mucho dangerous out here.
Come on.
Go in there.
Dig a little hole.
Down in the deep, where no one can get to you.
Seriously?
Come on.
I'll help you.
Here.
A little hole started for you.
All right then, you wanna be an adventurer?
Did my best, you're on your own.
Hi, honey.
What a nice surprise.
Come in.
How are you, dad?
I'm great, I'm great.
I'm decluttering, making headway, you know,
little by little.
You know you've been decluttering for 50 years
and nothing ever changes.
Well, that's not true.
Give me one hour and a hefty bag
and I'll have this place spotless.
No, no, no, no, no, honey.
- It's too stressful that way. - Where are the garbage bags?
No, honey, no.
- No, no, no, no. - I need the ice cream.
Seriously, no, honey.
Have some Haagen Dazs, it makes you docile.
No, no.
You gotta do it my way, my time.
Okay.
Dad, I just want you to be happy.
I want you to do things that you love to do.
I love decluttering.
I know you do.
I just came by to see if you want these things.
It's pictures of you and mom and me when I was a baby.
Why don't you want them anymore?
I don't know.
I just...
I'm just clearing things out.
Oh.
Smart.
Make room for new things, huh?
Or new no things.
You dating anyone?
Nope.
Are you playing anywhere soon?
Making any new records?
That new thing, download.
Are you making any songs to download?
No, Dad, I'm giving all that a break.
Sounds like you're giving everything a break.
Yeah, I am.
I gotta go.
I just wanted to see if you wanted any of this.
Yeah, you know, I'd appreciate it if you keep it.
You know, they're your pictures.
I don't want any more boxes here.
Okay.
I'll throw it away then.
No.
No, no, no.
I'll put it in the front hall.
Hey, look, here's your mom's box.
You can go through it now.
Not now, Dad.
Come on, it's right in front of you,
take you two seconds.
Do you know that I am the exact age
that she was when she died?
No.
Yes.
It's so sad that she died so young.
She was such a lover of life.
She was so talented.
She was a misanthrope.
That is patently untrue.
She loved so many things.
She loved playing the piano.
She loved you to death.
She was so proud of you.
She didn't even know what I did.
She went to every one of your shows.
That is bullshit.
I never saw her once at any of my shows.
That's because she was afraid you'd be nervous
if you knew she was there.
So she'd hide in the back and then she'd leave
right after you were done.
Look, look.
Look at these programs and...
This is from Boston.
Well, I told you, if you played anywhere around here,
she would go.
You know what, she gave up her dream when I was born
and she hated me for it.
That is not true.
You were the most important thing to her,
she wanted you to succeed.
Yeah, well, if she did support me,
it would have been nice to know about it in my lifetime.
Does shit for me now.
People do what they can.
Please remember her with some kindness.
She died a rough death.
Well, she should have picked a more ladylike way
to kill herself than a shotgun.
Are you sure you didn't take that brown washcloth
when you were here last?
I didn't.
I gotta go, Dad.
I'll throw this away.
No, you may regret you did someday.
You were always a really good dad.
I love you.
You were always a good daughter.
And I love you.
God?
Are you here?
Are you real?
I guess there's only one way to know for sure.
Yeah, hi Dad, what's up?
Hi honey, I just FaceTime you.
Yeah I know, I can't video right now.
Why not?
I just can't.
You know, when I was a kid I was terrified
of getting drafted and having to go to war.
Every night I'd wake up with the same nightmare
of being stabbed in the stomach with a bayonet by a Nazi.
And my father would say, "Son, you're a little boy,
you don't have to worry about going to war, I promise."
And I'd cry in his arms and feel safe.
But you know, after a while he had to turn out the lights
and leave me there.
And from the core of my being,
I felt I'd been taken to war
and my father couldn't protect me.
He tried his best, but my father didn't know
what to say to make me not be scared.
Now, you might not remember this, but you were six...
I think it was six.
And you had your first nightmare, screaming in terror.
And your mother went into your room
and I asked her what happened.
And she said you had a nightmare
that you would have to go to Vietnam to fight and be killed.
I mean, I had chills.
I asked your mother what she said to make you stop crying
and she said she'd promised that she'd take you
to see John Lennon in Madison Square Garden.
You were so excited that you forgot about your nightmare
and he never brought up going to war again.
Your mother only wanted you to feel safe,
and she knew how to do that and that's why
you've always been such a courageous woman,
because your mother never let the fear get ahold of you.
Something she unfortunately couldn't do for herself.
I don't remember dreaming about the war.
I just don't remember my mother ever comforting me.
Yeah, but you do remember going to Madison Square Garden
to see John Lennon.
Of course.
And you believed that was possible for you.
Yeah.
So in the spirit of everything
that was great about your mother,
let's both be brave.
You get a hefty bag,
and I'll let you help me declutter the house.
And you go through the box your mom left you.
You brought my mother's box in after I left?
Of course.
And bring lots of Nemos and Haagen Dazs too.
Okay, I will.
Okay.
See you later.
Asked and answered.
Ah.
Oh, man.
All right, it's gonna be okay.
We got this.
Okay.
Let's see.
Can worms live half squashed?
The rear half will always die and the front half may live
to become another whole worm!
This is called regeneration!
All right, the front part must be long enough
to contain the clitellum.
I hate to sound like a high school boy,
or most adult men for that matter,
but where the hell is your clitellum?
All right, come on.
It was a stupid joke.
I was just trying to lighten up the mood a little bit.
Okay, so take a little sip,
cause this is gonna hurt a little bit.
There you go.
All right.
You're gonna be okay.
Okay, Dad.
What do we got going on here?
We got Oscar's 1985, Oscars 1986, Oscars 1987.
Garbage, Dad.
Now that I need.
No!
Oh, come on.
And look what we have here.
I feel terrible.
Mom's box.
Oh.
Dear Samantha.
I'm in Africa.
I'm sorry you can't be with me.
Happy 5th birthday.
I'm not throwing any of this away.
Good.
Okay.
Are you having trouble getting online?
I am.
Do you know the password?
Oh, sure.
It's Bar Dahlia 1-3.
Holy tarnation.
Jimminy Cricket, it worked partner.
Much obliged.
Have you seen "Gone With The Wind"?
Well, I've always relied on the kindness of strangers.
Close enough.
So...
Do you wanna switch?
Take this bike?
No, that's okay.
Thank you.
It's really no problem.
I'm good.
Hey, I'm sorry I was a dick before.
I don't know, I forget how to act sometimes.
Yeah, I completely understand.
It's not as easy as it looks.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, do you wanna grab a drink sometime, maybe?
Let's not get crazy.
All right, fair enough.
♪ Am I too late ♪
♪ Too late ♪
♪ Is it too soon ♪
♪ See about all the rest ♪
♪ If I win I lose ♪
♪ Am I feeling at my best ♪
♪ If I walk out ♪
♪ Anything push me on ♪
♪ Will I be all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ When I get gone ♪
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
♪ You come out of the darkness ♪
♪ When I'm fading in here on the ground ♪
♪ You know when I can hear it ♪
♪ In silence you speak me the sound ♪
♪ And then I whisper though I'm far from love ♪
♪ But I'm alive right now ♪
♪ Before I go I don't know much but I'm alive right now ♪
♪ I see it all looking down ♪
♪ From such great heights right now ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ It's around me ♪
♪ Sometimes I need a reminder ♪
♪ Of the reason I came to this place ♪
♪ But your eyes ♪
♪ With the piercing that blinds me ♪
♪ They give me a reason to stay ♪
♪ And then I whisper though I'm far from love ♪
♪ But I'm alive right now ♪
♪ Before I go I don't know much but I'm alive right now ♪
♪ I see it all looking down from such ♪