Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org M_I_SForEver
Gobble, gobble.
This might just be the only bird excited
to lose its neck today.
Can we do without the puns?
Well, yeah, but if today wasn't Thanksgiving
then it wouldn't be a pun.
It's just a grammar thing.
Good point, Mr. Williams.
However...
I don't remember saying that you could talk.
OK, that hurts.
Oh, wow.
So does divorce.
But you don't see me crying about it, do you?
'Cause I'm taking names today, son.
Quick question, Molly, he can't see us, can he?
I'm gonna need for you to stop talking.
Now turn around and show me your...
Pecans for the pie.
I don't know why you're making that this year.
It wasn't that good.
Barbara, be nice to your sister.
She's had a rough year.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh my God, it is jerk turd central in here.
So, Thanksgiving in Hollywood, huh?
Which one of the Avengers is bringing
the mound of cocaine shaped like a turkey?
Sorry, to burst your rude bubble
but it's just me, Molly and the baby today.
I don't even wanna know what goes on out there.
Nothing goes on.
We are eating turkey and continuing the tradition,
no matter how small the family is this year.
Good for you, honey. You know what they say,
you have to appreciate the lesson in where you are
before you can move on.
And they also say you're both better off
without assholes in your life.
That too.
God, it just feels so weird
not being with Maeve and the kids on Thanksgiving.
Oh, give me a break.
Both of those kids need a good smack in the mouth.
People don't hit their children anymore.
- I don't know why. - Well, they should.
Why isn't the pool heated?
'Cause it's December, you spoiled little fuck.
Go play on the ice.
Barbara, calm down.
It just felt nice to have a family for once.
- Oh! - What are we, the cat's ass?
No, you know what I mean, my own family.
Listen, you know what, if you want a family,
we could all be together,
you could marry Big Pauly from down the street.
He always asks about you.
Yeah, if his name was Big Pauline, then maybe.
Listen, how's Molly doing?
Oh, tell her, I just saw Pluto Raiders and
- I absolutely loved her in it. - We loved it!
- You fell asleep, Ma. - I saw it too, we loved it.
No, no, I saw every bit of it.
Pluto Raiders.
How's she doing since the husband left though?
Oh, my God, she is a real mess.
Molly, that does hurt.
Oh, yeah?
Have you ever pushed a 10 pound baby out of your vagina?
- No. - No, you don't have a vagina?
Well, do you wanna push one out of your asshole?
- Huh? - You ever shat yourself while bringing
a miracle into the world?
- Right. - Yeah.
You know what, this dominatrix thing was really stupid.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm really preoccupied with Eden, and I just...
Oh, oh, oh, darling.
Honest, this thing is so uncomfortable.
Well, then, babe, let's...
Let's get you out of it.
Yeah?
We only have about a minute and a half.
Oh, that's plenty.
I hope you're joking.
Yeah. Well...
Hi, this is Molly. Leave a message.
Hey. It's Thanksgiving already. Yay.
I'm warning you now, I'm gonna cry once an hour,
so you might need to cradle me in the fetal position
while I shove a third helping in my mouth.
Mmm. I wonder if I should make two pies,
one for each of us.
I'm just so beyond thankful to have you today, babe. Call me.
Excuse me. You're not allowed to drink alcohol in here.
Oh, it's OK.
I brought this with me, it's not one of yours.
Still, I'm sorry. I'm afraid that doesn't make a difference.
Don't you have other things you could be doing right now,
like making sure there are enough turkeys today?
Or stopping the hipsters from buying up all the hair product? Like...
Ma'am, if you take one more sip, I'm gonna have to call security.
What's gonna happen?
Oh, no.
Strong, patriarchal male pushing women around.
Oh, you want my uterus too?
Happy Thanksgiving, ma'am.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, dickhead!
And thank you for saving me from my feelings this holiday.
Oh!
Oh, it's Christmas already?
- Merry fucking Christmas. - No, hey.
Hey.
Stop trying to shove holiday happiness down our throats!
Hey. No, stop! Ma'am. Hey.
Too soon!
OK, breakfast is served.
Oh, my gosh, this looks amazing.
What is it?
Mote Pillo.
I have this in Ecuador.
The kids in my charity make this for me every time I go.
I love that you're a philanthropist.
Honestly, it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done.
Mmm.
This is delicious.
- Really? - Mmm.
Oh, good. Yeah, you don't have an omelet pan,
so I just so I just used a regular one.
Although the kids in Ecuador, they use a hot rock.
- Wow. - Yeah.
You know, if you would have asked me a few weeks ago
what I thought I'd be doing for Thanksgiving
and what it would be like,
I would have said it would have been just fine.
Maybe even a bit depressing.
Oh my god, yes.
I know. Darling, I know it's only been a couple of weeks,
but I'm not afraid to say I'm crazy about you,
and your son.
Hey. How's Ohio?
Dan's father got the shits, so we had to stay home.
Oh, no.
Yeah, it was coming out of both ends
and we didn't wanna risk getting the kids sick,
so we're here.
How's your day going?
Getting ready for your big plans with Abby?
Yep. I think we're gonna eat tons of pie and watch a movie.
Fuck off. That sounds incredible.
Can I come over?
Hey, Mom, look what I can do!
Think that's the best choice you could be
making right now with your life?
Oh, my god.
Listen to me, I've got to get out of this place.
I'm going to die here. Can I come over?
I mean, you must be going through a lot of emotions today
and I'd like to help you through them.
You know what, yeah, we'd love to have you.
Why don't you come by around two?
OK, great. That's amazing.
I can't wait to see you. I love you.
- I'll see you soon. - Bye.
- You OK? - Yeah.
I just promised Abby I'd spend the day with her.
Well, I'm sure it's fine.
It's just a couple more people.
Well, it sounds like you have a fun day planned.
That's cool.
I have a fun day planned too.
I'm gonna go out and just do some things
and some stuff and some things.
- Jeff. - Yes?
Would you like to stay for dinner?
I would love to. Oh my god.
- I just had a great idea. - What?
You know what, don't worry about it.
I need to make a phone call.
I'm gonna make Eden's first Thanksgiving a phenomenal one.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Oh my god. - Wow.
I know. I went a little overboard today,
but you gotta fill the void somehow.
Babe...
Oh, listen, I thought I would roll the dice
and do the turkey in the vertical roaster.
Heard it's amazing.
Sounds it. But I just wanted to let you know that...
Darling, is this moisturizer just for the face or is it...
Oh, hey!
This is Jeff.
Hey, Jeff, and... little Jeff.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry.
Oh, no big deal.
I have one just like it in my top drawer.
Except mine's bigger.
Darling, I'm going to go back to the hotel,
grab some stuff and then I'll come straight back.
Abby, it was lovely to meet you.
I will see you later for dinner?
Oh, is that the plan?
That is the plan, Stan.
Do we need anything?
Nope. Just you.
Butter. We're gonna need a lot more butter.
Just me and butter.
Got it. I like the sound of that.
Abby, wait.
I'm sorry. I know we said that we...
What's going on? Who is that?
Jeff. The guy I met in London on the press tour for Pluto Raiders.
He's a philanthropist.
Why is he here?
Well, he says he's here with his charity,
but I think he's actually here for me.
Babe, I told you about him.
Yeah, well, you didn't tell me
he was gonna be spending Thanksgiving with us.
Well, it just kind of happened.
And I invited Lauren and Dan too.
- What? - What? Their plans fell through.
Well, I didn't know you were turning this
into like a whole thing.
I can't believe you're seeing someone already.
Don't you think it's a little quick to move on?
No.
I don't believe in grieving.
OK, well, some people would call it processing, but whatever.
Babe, you and Maeve broke up in January...
January 19th, 11:11 a.m.
I know when we broke up.
It might be time to let that go.
I prefer to hang on and eat pie.
Which lines up perfectly with the holiday
we agreed to spend together.
Well, maybe I don't wanna spend the day
stuffing my face with sugar and regret.
That's the whole point of Thanksgiving, Molly!
Sugar and regret.
And football.
Well, I wanna celebrate.
What is there to celebrate?
Having Eden. The fact that I survived my divorce.
You haven't even filed yet.
I've emotionally filed.
Oh, that's the same.
Well, it's great you can separate yourself
from the past so quickly like that,
but I don't know if I can.
Well, I'm just trying to let go of the past
so I can enjoy the present.
What? Don't give me that enjoy the present bullshit.
I am trying to enjoy the present too.
Just not with Jeff and his moisturized cock.
God, by this time last year,
Maeve and I would have already taken a lavender bath
and read our poems to each other.
OK.
Oh, what? Why're you laughing?
Because the day after, she wouldn't let you
out of the house 'cause you gained a few pounds.
I know. She was complicated.
That's a nice way of putting it.
Look, you and I are very different people,
and maybe you don't quite understand
how powerful the connection can be between two women.
Abby, you're not the first person
to have dated a woman after a man.
- Oprah did an episode on that - Delivery.
like 10 years ago.
OK, great. Well, good for Oprah.
You know what? Maybe I'll go spend the day with her.
Yo. You order a photo booth?
What? No!
No. No, I didn't.
Says for a Jeff.
He didn't leave a credit card so you'll have to give me one.
Oh my god. OK, you know what?
- I'm gonna go. - What?
Look, you clearly have your own idea about how today should go,
and it's not what we talked about, at all.
And that's OK, but it's also OK for me
to not wanna be here.
- Ab, wait. - Don't worry about it.
Whoa.
Molly Erickson?
Yeah.
Shit.
Now I know where you live.
Where do you want it?
Just put it in a corner away from the house.
- I'll be right with you. - You got it.
Why are you acting like I've done something wrong?
I'm not. Let's not make a big thing out of it. All right?
We had plans, Jeff showed up, and those plans changed.
Forgive me if I don't want to sit around
and eat my feelings while you, Jeff,
Lauren and Dan all finger each other under the table.
How do you wanna pay for this?
Have fun. Take lots of pictures.
Props include boxing themed stuff, if you wanna punch anybody.
We got a gold flask for any drinkers in the crew.
We got a sword for the knight in shining armor.
- Gotta a boa for... - I won't be needing that.
My knight in shining armor is divorcing me.
OK.
Photographer should be here at...
It's OK, you know. Shit happens.
What am I supposed to do, chain him to the fucking bed?
He didn't wanna be here.
That's it. Go.
Get outta here. The ring meant nothing. It's OK.
He left you after Pluto Raiders?
I thought you were great in that.
Thanks, but, you know, let's be honest,
at the end of the day I'm just another
Hollywood prettiot who's running away
from explosions and kissing the hot guy.
What? No way.
Your commitment in that fight scene
is by far the best thing I've ever seen you do.
Thank you.
You know we did over a hundred takes of that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, were those real roosters?
Oh, yeah.
- I knew it. - Yeah.
You can't fake the real thing.
Oh, no, you really can't.
I'm sorry about your husband.
Oh, that's OK. I'm not gonna cry about it.
I've got a great life that I've worked my ass off for.
- That's great. - Anyway, it's all good.
Sometimes you just gotta take your tits out
and celebrate how far you've come, right?
Please don't take your tits out.
I'm married.
Did somebody say take your tits out?
Hello. I'm Helen.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Wow. I can see where she gets her beauty from.
And her talent.
OK. Just sign here and you're all set.
Right.
Thank you.
I bet you his wife doesn't satisfy him.
- So, do I get a big hug? - Yeah, of course.
Just surprised to see you is all.
Well, Michael's gone, so I figured I could visit.
I know he was never crazy about me.
You came all the way from Sweden to tell me that?
Well, I had to.
You were crying on the phone for 20 minutes.
When was I crying to you?
When Michael left.
That was two months ago.
Well, I had to gather my things.
It took you two months to gather your things?
I have a lot of things.
- Oh. - So, will you go get my bags?
They're in the car. And, I'll go to my room.
I'm so tired.
Motherfucker.
Why don't you call your Aunt Tess and your Uncle Al?
They live in Yorba Linda. That isn't too far from you.
Ma, I'm not spending Thanksgiving
with Aunt Tess and her moles.
I won't be able to eat.
Oh, just look the other way.
You can't look the other way.
They're like right there in your face.
They look like the stuffing.
I don't wanna look the other way.
I'm tired of pretending.
It sounds like you're having a shitty day, sis.
That I am.
Yeah, well, here it's 19 degrees
and the only fun I'm gonna have is listening
to Aunt Anna tell the story about
how she jerks off Uncle Sal on the way to Florida.
Uncle Sal, you wanna come say hi?
Hey, kiddo. How you doing?
Hey, Happy Thanksgiving.
So I hear the ladies aren't treating you so nice
out there, huh?
No, they're not, Uncle Sal.
And those lesbian dating apps are the worst.
You need a nice Italian man.
Oh my...
Wrap his arms around you and sing you some songs.
Melodies, beautiful, nice and romantic.
The last Italian man I dated
threw a bottle at my head, Uncle Sal.
That ain't nothin'.
It's like how we say we need to talk.
Come here and say hi to Abby, everybody.
Wait, does that mean...
Listen, she's not happy and she's tired of pretending.
Aw, Bunny, you lonely?
No, no, no, I'm good. I'm good, Aunt Anna.
You know sometimes that relentless sunshine,
it can make you feel real lonely.
You want me to tell you your fortune?
I'll tell ya if you're lonely.
Oh, Bunny, you're very lonely.
I'm not...
I mean I'm alone in this room.
You know they say in Hollywood,
if you want a friend, you should get a dog.
Oh, is that what they say?
- Yeah. - They say that?
I don't, I can't have a dog in this building, Aunt Anna.
- Why are you getting up my ass? - I'm not!
I'm trying to tell her she's lonely!
- We know she's lonely. - Barb!
I'm not gonna have it with you today!
Please don't get upset. We haven't even...
Get an abandoned dog, because they will
- love you forever. - That's true.
- Unlike this fucking family. - Remember Monkey?
- That little dog we had? - Oh my god.
Guys, I'm still here. I'm on the phone.
- Can you just... - I gotta work on dinner.
I love you.
- You look a little pale. - Oh my god.
- She does look pale. - But I love you.
- She doesn't it's the camera. - And I like your hair.
- We all love your hair. - Doesn't it? She looks good.
She looks really good, and by...
OK, I'll just text you later.
So, this is what I'm dealing with, OK?
And I'll text you.
You shoulda come home.
You know what?
- I'm gonna say this just once. - You shoulda come home.
Just today, Ma. Ma's right.
You shoulda just come home, Ab.
Look, I am sorry I surprised you.
But I didn't think you would say yes if I asked.
Oh, well, it'd be nice to have the option.
So I am a horrible mother because I come to visit you.
I never said you were a horrible mother.
Shit.
What is it?
Lauren invited someone for Abby.
And my agent Rick.
And Claire fucking Bortles.
Good. You need to have your friends around you.
Where's Abby?
She was here earlier but we got in a weird argument
because I invited Jeff.
Why shouldn't you invite Jeff?
He's your lover.
Can you not say it like that?
That grosses me out.
Abby's really not coming?
No. I think she'd rather spend the day with Oprah.
That's that?
Yeah, it is.
- Where are you going? - To get her.
She shouldn't be alone today.
Leave the baby with me.
I've done this before, you know.
I know. That's why I'm bringing him with me.
Hi.
Just promise me I don't have to look at Jeff's balls
while I'm eating my turkey.
- I can make that promise. - Great.
The day's looking better already.
Hi, Eden.
Molly, bring back some vodka.
Is that Helen?
- Ooh. - Surprise visit.
Oh, fun.
I'm excited to meet your friends.
- Knock, knock, knock! - Hey!
- Ah, hey! - Hey, hey, hey.
- How are you? - Wow!
Good, hi.
You look incredible.
I feel like I have to come close.
- It's so incredible. - Thank you.
After all of that damage and awful shit
that your ex-husband did to you. What a turd.
- What a walking turd. - It's all OK.
It's all good.
- I'm good. - You look incredible.
Hi, by the way, I'm Jeff.
- I'm the new boyfriend. - Great, I'm Rick.
- Hi, nice to meet you. - Ooh, ow, Jeff.
- Brianne. - Oh, lovely.
Is that short for like Richard?
It's just Rick.
- It's just Rick. - It's just Rick.
Yeah.
No, Richard's a totally different name, you goof.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know how they do it across the pond over there.
- Old goofy town. - Yeah, yeah.
How hot is my wife?
I mean, come on, do you wanna poke her, or what?
- Jeff? - You look wonderful.
Oh, Abby's in the kitchen making the gravy.
Yeah. Why don't you go in and say hi.
I'm gonna drink it. I'm gonna drink it.
I love gravy.
Not all of it.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Gus. Wow.
- Hi. - Hi.
I wasn't expecting you.
- Oh, yeah. Lauren texted me. - Great, OK.
I'm glad she did because you know what?
This time of the year's always really hard for me,
'cause I hate my family.
My father's a narcissist and my brother sells Herbalife.
My other brother, he's still missing.
He's still missing?
- Hi! - Hi.
- I'm Helen. - Are we kissing?
Who's this?
- My mother. - Oh, your mother.
Oh, it's a baby.
I'm gonna walk away from the baby.
You know what, Abby is in the kitchen,
so why don't you put the food in the kitchen.
And Mom, why are you holding him like a handbag?
Oh, why don't you relax?
I used to hold you under my arm like a newspaper
and you turned out OK-ish.
OK, can I have him, please?
No, no, he's fine. I have him under control.
I would just like to hold my child, that's all.
Oh. All right, fine.
Hi.
But after, I am going to be on babysitting duty.
I want you to have the whole day off.
OK.
You want a little bit?
No, we're not gonna have a little bit.
- Mom. - Oh, later.
Yeah, OK, when's he's like 18.
- OK. - Wow, OK.
Yeah, are you good?
- Ready? - Yeah.
All right. Let's do this.
Guys. Hey, guys. Guys!
If you don't sign the wall with the dish you brought
and the cook time, there's no guarantee
it'll make the table.
All right? Just help me out.
Yeah, help her out, people.
This is serious.
It is serious, even though Molly isn't.
Vegan green bean casserole.
Oh, great.
30 minutes before?
Yeah, give or take.
I love you yelling at your friends.
What's your sign?
- Pisces. - Oh, nice.
What sign are you?
I'm a triple Capricorn.
Masochist denim daddy looking for a partner
with softness and kindness and an interest in mutual pain.
Talking to wizards, fairies and warlocks
is obviously a plus.
A dream date would be a dungeon followed by a sound bath.
And intense, intense, intense cuddling.
I just, I'm just not...
I'm just not ready to get back out there.
You know what I mean?
I'm just very closed off.
Very damaged inside.
Oh, I totally understand that.
Look, the only c-word you're gonna hear from me
is consent. Absolutely.
Yeah. Where's the bathroom?
It's through there.
Great. I gotta adjust.
- Thanks. - Cool. OK.
You're very pretty.
You're looking good.
We've been married for a month and a half.
Oh, amazing.
We met four months ago and married a month and a half.
Oh, that's incredible.
I'm quick to pull the trigger, kid.
Yeah, that's fast.
Yeah you see tits like that
and you're like gotta have 'em,
gotta get 'em, gotta keep 'em.
Yeah.
And in Sweden, in Europe, we always put a little wine,
you put it on the gums.
Did you hear that?
His brother's missing.
Seven years. He hasn't seen him.
Yeah, no, I didn't hear that. That's sad though.
When he went missing, did he have his cell?
No, he...
Apparently he was naked at first.
- Right. - Yeah.
What was the context when he went missing if he was naked?
Well, he was at Costco.
They asked if he wanted to sample some body scrub,
but he just stripped down.
He was off his meds.
I should have prefaced it with that.
- He's on a lot of meds. - OK, right, yeah, yeah.
And they were still figuring out which ones work.
From there to seven years from now, it's all muddy.
- Wow. - They did find a sweatshirt.
- OK. - In Seattle.
I love Seattle.
Oh, guys, dinner's gonna be at five,
which is a ways away, it's only 2:15,
so just feel free to like leave this area,
mingle, go on a walkabout, whatever.
In other words, get the fuck out.
Pretty much. In a nice...
These sweet potatoes need just 17 minutes
and then they need to be basted every other minute.
- Well, that's not happening. - You go enjoy yourself.
- Hey, you! - Yeah?
Did you invite the lesbian with the casserole for me?
How do you know she's a lesbian?
Oh, man, I don't know.
- She has a chain wallet. - Maybe I did.
Maybe Lauren did. Who cares?
She knows you're single. That's all I'm saying.
OK, well, I'm not single. I'm broken.
So, pick up the pieces and put yourself back together
because Lauren may or may not have invited a few more.
Oh, great.
- OK, also... - What?
I refuse to sit next to Botox face on a holiday, OK?
Why isn't she with her other Botox faces on Thanksgiving,
like eating turkey through a tube or something?
Just look at your phone and pretend to be
deep in thought or something.
I'm not gonna pretend today. OK?
Come on!
So smooth.
Oh, who is this?
I'm Helen.
The perfect family's here. Great.
Oh, trust me, they're not perfect.
Well, they always get through their problems,
and then go off to Hawaii to hike and bone each other.
They're infuriating.
- Hi. - Hey!
- Hi. - Hi, cutie.
I was just saying how annoying you guys are
'cause you always get through your problems.
Oh, all you have to do is listen to each other
and go everywhere with a giant bottle of whiskey.
- Or two. - She is raring to go today.
I'm on kid duty.
Like we said, Christmas you can have your fun.
Today is all mine.
Hey, how are you?
This is my kids.
So, how's the Brit?
- Really big... heart. - Oh.
Massive...
OK.
Heart, you what I mean?
That's not where your heart is.
Photo! Everybody together.
OK. Oh!
Good idea.
- Oh, hi. - Let me get Eden.
Stay right here.
All right!
- Smile! - Cheese.
Good, one more.
Oh, we should totally do this in the photo booth.
- Later, maybe. - Oh.
What good is this photo without you in it, Helen?
Come on. Am I right?
- You made it! - Hey.
- Hi. - You guys want a drink?
- Isn't that... - Yeah.
Yes, it is.
He looks even better in person.
It's kind of a bold move inviting him and Jeff.
I didn't invite him, but I bet you I know who did.
I checked in on my Facebook and he messaged me,
so I had to invite him.
Wow.
- Hi. - Hi.
I cannot believe her mom has kept in touch
her with her ex-boyfriend.
Who's this little guy? That your son?
- Yeah, yeah, it is. - He's beautiful.
- Thank you. - Congrats.
Hey, I was sorry to hear about Martin.
Michael?
Oh, really?
No, not really. I thought he was kind of a douche.
Well, you would know.
Hey, there.
- I know you. - Hey.
I used to watch your show all the time.
Thanks so much.
Watching you out there in the world living your best life.
- Yeah. - Big old muscles.
- Taking names. - OK.
I'm gonna apologize for my wife in advance.
No problem.
Everything OK?
Yeah, fine.
We'll be right back.
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Why would you invite him without asking me?
Oh, you two were so good together.
He was almost as bad as Michael.
Well, he made a mistake.
He cheated on me!
You were two young Hollywood actors.
Who wouldn't cheat in that situation?
I wouldn't. I didn't.
Well, you were always weird that way.
Oh, OK. Coming from someone who's on her fifth husband.
Variety is the spice of life.
And I like spicy.
Don't you think it would have been courteous
to let me know that he was coming?
I tried to, but Jeff was always around and,
oh, and then I had to freshen up.
I had to pick out my shoes.
And you were with the baby, blah, blah, blah.
- And here we are. - OK, well you know what?
We've had a lot of blah, blah, blah,
and here we are over the years.
Can we just keep them to a minimum today?
Then we are in agreement.
I was only thinking about my grandson's future.
Well, so am I.
And I am very proud of you for that.
Wow, I don't think I've ever heard you say those words.
Especially not in a row like that.
Oh, I am serious.
You got right back on that horse.
And that shows that you had strength.
Remember after Ed, who would have thought
that I would meet Silverio the very next week?
You went on a singles cruise.
Well, even so.
OK, look, Mom, I really like Jeff, OK?
And he satisfies you and everything?
- Yes. - And you are lubricated?
Oh, god. You know what, I am not having this conversation with you.
Some women, you know, they're like a desert down there
after they've had a child.
Not me, of course.
But, if that is the case, you use coconut oil.
Oh, coconut oil. I should use coconut oil.
Great.
Darling, you're so tense.
You need a drink.
Come on.
Mm-hm.
Shark attack.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, when did you take these?
When you were doing shots, Mommy.
- Oh, OK. - I'm hungry.
- Oh, sweetheart. - Me too.
Yeah.
Well, you know, we're gonna eat soon.
I'd tell you to go check, but I think Aunt Abby would kick you out of the kitchen.
You wanna play for a little bit longer,
and then we'll go together?
- Yeah! - All right, have fun, bye.
Sweet. You two want to have kids?
No... Maybe.
We don't know. We're not sure.
I want a whole horde of them.
I really do.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
She's found religion again,
so she's been doing this whole praise thing.
I'm not religious. It's for the holiday.
Sweat much?
Oh, sit home.
Cinnamon.
- Very specific type. - I know.
I know. She's, look, I mean,
- she's got a good heart. - Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, have you met my boyfriend Jeff?
Boyfriend. No.
Hi, how you doing?
I'm Jeff. Nice to meet you, dude.
Yeah, you too.
How do you guys know each other?
- I'm her ex-boyfriend. - Old friend.
- Oh. - Cool. Cool, cool.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, so I don't need to tell you
just how thankful I am for this one today.
- This one? - Nah.
Oh, please.
- Best thing you ever lost. - Kinda gross.
Really?
- I don't know about that. - Yeah.
I think you probably cried yourself to sleep for a year after that.
I had allergies that are insane.
- You know that. - Maybe still do.
You were the one that was crying a lot.
- Really, allergies? - Yeah, allergies.
- Sorry, bro. - Yeah, that's cool, dude.
Listen, why don't I let you guys catch up?
- That'd be great. - OK.
Yeah, yeah. I'm comfortable enough with myself to do that.
Oh, and plus I bought some fish.
I was gonna make fresh ceviche with lemon and capers.
- Capers? - You gonna make that for me?
All for you.
- I love ceviche. - Aw.
I know. I saw it on your Instagram profile.
Ooh, stalker.
And I am going to stalk every inch of you.
That's weird.
OK.
Good to meet you, dude.
You too, Jeff.
What?
You don't get to say anything.
He is adorable.
Does he make you a scone in the morning?
He is a lovely human being.
I bet he is.
So you kept in touch with Helen, huh?
Yeah, Helen's the best.
And I'm glad I did because it's really great to see you.
Yeah, well, it's good to see you too.
I have to admit, it's a bit weird.
You know what, it's a lot weird.
- Yeah. - Yeah, we can say that.
- OK. - OK.
Hey, you ever hear that old quote?
To be old and wise, you gotta be young and stupid.
Nope, never heard it.
Yeah, it's a good one.
And how's that working out for you, old man?
I'll let you know in the morning.
Oh.
Oh... OK.
- Like that. - That's bold.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- You might wanna just cool that off a little. - OK.
- Just have a dip in the pool. - Sure.
- Yeah, chill out. - You gonna join me?
- A little skinny dip? - Nope.
30, flirty and what?
Dirty.
You.
Into Palo-Santo wood,
watching sex trafficking documentaries,
and piss play. Me.
A Chapstick lesbian DJ with a pickup,
into playful punching, femmes that scratch,
and sharing dessert.
You know, you seem really great, but,
dirt really makes me anxious, you know?
We'll talk about it later.
- All right. - See you outside.
Not if I see you first outside.
- Oh. - Oh, hello.
Sorry.
- Oh. - Oh.
I got the stuff, thanks.
Oh, no, I was just coming in to make Molly some ceviche.
I understand, but I have zero time for debate on this.
Not looking to debate.
I just don't wanna get lemon on my shirt.
But you can just take off your shirt.
OK?
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm just checking in on the little guy.
Aw, that's so sweet.
- Yeah. - So tiny.
Yeah.
- And so cute. - Mm.
She has to keep him alive the whole time?
Yeah, Abby, that's pretty much the deal.
But how does that even work?
Like, what if one of these little fucking pom-poms
falls into his mouth while he's sleeping,
you know what I mean?
Or like the window's open and it blows
like a wasp in or something?
Did you see My Girl?
Or like what if...
Didn't I read a thing where you have to
put them on their backs to go to sleep?
Like what if he throws up and-
OK. He's gonna be all right.
I am not so sure about you, but...
Oh, yeah. I don't know.
Molly knows what he needs.
She knows what she needs too.
Yeah, well, I think some quiet time
and reflection is what she needs.
I think a dick palate cleanse is what she needs.
I think you might be talking about yourself.
I think you might be right.
Thank god you guys are in here.
Hey, why is Jeff topless?
Oh, f... Oh my god.
I was being facetious.
Wait, Jeff's topless?
Mm-hm.
I miss everything.
Well, you're not missing much.
- I mean... - That's like the statue of David in there.
OK.
Coming on a little strong, aren't you, Jeff?
And we haven't even had our appetizers yet.
Oh, no. I just didn't wanna mess up my shirt.
Right.
And I'm wearing underwear.
So, tell me about this philanthropy of yours.
It sounds fascinating.
Oh, yeah.
Well, can I be honest?
Oh, please.
Do what I find really fascinating, Helen?
No, what?
How truly amazing I think your daughter is.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's great.
And look, I want you to know,
I'm going to do whatever it takes to make her happy
in every way I can.
Like physically and emotionally, spiritually,
environmentally, audibly, nutritionally.
Financially?
Yes.
Although, you should also know,
I don't really work in the financial world.
Oh, well, no one ever said you had to
work in the financial world.
Good. Yeah.
'Cause the truth is, I don't really work with money.
- Oh, not at all? - No.
And, what do you live on?
Good question. Simple answer.
Philanthropy takes care of my life.
Oh! And how does philanthropy do that?
Well, when anyone ever donates to one of my charities,
the charity then floats me money.
- Floats? - Mm-hmm.
Floats.
You know what, if guys love anal so much,
they should be willing to get anal.
- OK. - That's never gonna happen.
No, you know actually, Dan does like
a little something in his butt every once in a while.
- Really? - What?
You know, a little thumb action
while he's watching Sports Center.
You know, I really used to love it,
- but I was just too scared to ask Michael to do it. - No.
I think I just felt like maybe he would think I was dirty.
- Oh. - Well, he was a tight-ass business dick
who looked good on paper.
Exactly. And that's why we're not together anymore.
So, thank god for that.
- Mm-hmm. - Guys.
I mean, I don't want to be this friend...
- What? - But, we have a lot to be thankful for today.
Do we?
I mean, kids, and families, husbands.
I have none of those things.
And friends.
I don't know about husband, but friends.
Good friends.
- Fine. - And...
These.
- What are those? - Chocolate covered cherries?
They are definitely not chocolate covered cherries.
They're shrooms.
- Oh my god. - Oh, shit.
They're micro-doses.
I got them from Claire.
She's a shaman now.
- Claire Bortles? - Yeah.
- Is a shaman now? - Yeah, she just got certified.
From where? That doesn't make sense. From where?
Just please tell me it was an online class.
Anyway... Who's in?
- Mmm? - You?
Maybe when the little one goes down for the night.
All right.
No, there it is.
Come on, Abs.
Oh, god. I...
No. You know what?
I'm gonna stay in this dimension today
or I'll burn the cornbread.
- Oh come on. - It mustn't be burned.
Who cares about the cornbread?
I care about the cornbread.
OK. OK.
I gotta tell you. You guys used to be fun.
See you later.
See ya later.
See y'all the other side, heifers.
Just hand me your bra when you're ready.
This bra's coming off in seconds.
Oh, I know it is.
They're like a prison for your titties, I'm telling you.
Why do we even wear them?
- I mean... - I hate them so much.
I don't, I just let mine run free.
Yeah, but your breasts are gonna be perky in the grave.
Mine are like...
Do you like basketball?
No, I don't like balls of any kind.
Hear that.
Oh, you are...
You are gone.
Here we go, coming in hot.
There you go.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Sorry. - Hey, Molly.
Why don't you give the baby monitor to Jeff?
Well, with the money he makes,
he's obviously going to be a stay at home dad.
He might as well get used to it.
How do how much money he makes?
I think it's obvious.
- Yeah, it's pretty obvious. - Yeah.
I think you're pretty obvious.
How so?
Why'd you come here today?
- What? - "What?"
Did you hear I was going through a divorce
and you thought you'd swoop in?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Something like that. Yeah, totally.
You're a little bit too late.
Yeah, you're telling me. Wow.
Move fast.
Yeah, I do. I'm having a good time.
Maybe there's more to life than just having a good time.
Is there though?
That is rich coming from you. Get outta here.
We all need to grow up sometime.
Oh, OK.
And you've grown up?
Yeah, I have. You can't tell?
- The beard. - Not really.
Oh, you're a grown up.
Grown-ups get married and they...
Yeah, they do. Some of them do.
- And some of them get divorced. - Is she OK?
I'm gonna go take some pictures.
So that's me in a nutshell.
You're either into it or you're not.
We might be too similar.
You, me in an underground bunker.
32 year old aspiring witch looking for someone
to follow the moon with as we commit to civil disobedience,
plan a government coup and survive the apocalypse.
Also... brunch.
Will always be the first to say namaste,
unless you're a greedy corporate pig,
then I'd drop kick you and be on my way.
Have you tried the green bean casserole?
Mm, I feel like there might be pork in it.
These organic?
Maybe.
I love a woman that can cook.
I love a woman who loves tomatoes 'cause they got...
Never mind.
See, you...
I'm terrible at...
I can't do it.
What time is it?
Fuck, these are taking too long.
Huh?
This is gonna push everything back.
These are taking too long.
- We need to make space. - There's a phone going here.
- Is this yours? - What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who is it? - Barb.
Oh, God. It's my sister.
Can you just play with this?
And rearrange some shit so that heats up more.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Barb?
When we hit the Georgia state line,
I just give him a look.
I undo his belt buckle, then he does his-
- What is happening? - Barb?
I say, "Fuck me, you big greasy piece of Gabagool."
Oh, motherfucker. Barb, you fuck face!
And I jerk him off like a jackhammer.
Oh, my god.
It's so fucking...
All right, well, I'm hanging up!
- You're welcome. - Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
Yeah, it's more of a lifestyle than anything else
and so... Are you not even...
Are you looking...
Oh.
Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt your view.
I think you're a fool if you don't give him a chance.
Well, if you won't have him, I will.
This is, this is...
I wrote this.
You wrote this one?
Gunnar.
You want to dance?
Of course.
Excuse me.
Oh...
Ooh.
Ready?
Ooh.
OK. I think I'm gonna go check on the baby.
OK, this is done.
Yep. This too.
OK, so we need to get out everything that's done
and then put those in and then we gotta crank up the oven.
Will that not just dry everything out?
Well, what other option do we have?
Oh, God.
OK, nice.
Oh, god.
This is so much fun.
This is the Thanksgiving of my dreams.
Hey, can you tell your boyfriend to put a shirt on?
You tell him.
I'm gonna go check on the baby.
Oh, no, no, I wanna come.
Well, then get your sexy booty upstairs.
You could come back with a shirt on.
That'd be a cool thing to do.
Abby.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh, Happy Thanksgiving, Claire.
Acai berry tart with a gluten-free chia seed crust.
Mmm, yum. Mmm.
I just came to see if there's anything
- I can do to help. - What's with the scarf?
Is your hair cold?
Oh, I forgot. You're a shaman now.
I actually prefer the term sha-woman.
Oh. OK. Whatever, Claire.
You know, Abby, Molly told me you're going through
- kind of a hard time, yeah? - Mm.
I just wanna tell you that I am at your service
all the time in love and gratitude.
Oh!
What's funny?
Well, I mean, you know.
Come on.
Come on what?
Shamans are from Peru. OK?
Not San Bernardino.
What is this?
Oh, that's cold. Big surprise.
Fuck.
Nothing is working.
Abby.
Things aren't really working.
It's good to sort of notice that and hold it
in your heart and just kind of absorb
what's that telling you?
Maybe it's you.
Oh, is that right?
Hey, Claire. Hi, babe.
How's it going?
Oh, hey. Hey, hey.
Let me guess, you're hungry?
Yeah, actually.
- Yeah, I'm starving. - Famished.
Do you know what she said to me on New Year's Eve?
- Who? - Maeve.
- Oh, shit. - She's engaged, by the way.
Yeah. You know what she said to me?
After we planned out our whole year together,
which did not include Claire on Thanksgiving, by the way.
She said, "I love you to the moon and back."
Isn't that beautiful?
- That really is beautiful. - OK, fuck off, Claire.
Do what the actual distance is between the moon and back?
Do you? No, you don't.
Two and a half weeks.
And that's how much longer we were together.
You'd think it'd be longer.
You'd think it would be longer. But it's not.
And then you find yourself in the kitchen on Thanksgiving
with everyone breathing down your ass
about a meal you don't fucking care about anymore,
while fickle fuck-o Shamumu Claire
tells you to be thankful your ex got engaged!
And it takes all your might not to take
her shitty-looking purple Los Angeles garbage pie
and punch it right in her asshole!
You know I think it might actually be pretty hard
to punch a tart into someone's asshole.
You know what? You organized this fucking dinner, Molly.
This is your crazy house.
This whole thing is your stupid idea.
You know what, fuck you, Abby!
You fucking fuck-o!
'Cause I've dealt with my anger issues.
Did you, dude?
- Huh? - Claire.
I can't hear you because you bounced.
- You know what? - Like a little bitch.
All right? But I'm still here, ready to go.
I think she's probably gone, Claire.
I'm gonna ask that you don't step to me in the future.
I think just, she's going through a hard time.
Don't take it personally.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I forgot about the universe.
It's OK.
We all forget about the universe sometimes.
Well, I think we got this, right?
- We can figure this out. - Yup.
- Totally.
- It's just food. - Yeah, OK.
All right. Let's... Jeff?
- Yeah? - What's in here?
Figure what that is, what needs to happen with that.
I'll just... That's hot.
- You OK? - This pie looks great.
- It really does. - Thank you.
I would never shove it up your ass.
- Yeah? - Ab.
You know you can come in.
Hey. What's going on?
Well, I haven't made out with anyone yet this whole year
and she's engaged to a fucking daddy dyke already?
Was I not man enough for her?
Oh, sweetheart. Come here.
Wait. You haven't made out with anyone all year?
- No. - Yeah, is that bad?
- No. - I mean, I can't just walk up to someone
on the street all...
You know, I'm just not ready.
Yeah.
OK, come here.
- OK. - Oh, OK.
There you go.
Now you've made out with someone.
What is that? Lemongrass?
Mm. I don't know.
Oh, that's good.
I had so much rage,
I had to do silent meditation for about two years.
- Didn't say a word. - Wow.
And I was shaking for the first year.
Yeah, I gotta do it.
I had a couple of hemorrhoids last year come back again.
You know, knock, knock, hemorrhoids are back.
It's just 'cause my anger's been bubbling up
and those things have been bubbling out.
Does this look vegan to you?
No idea.
It doesn't smell vegan.
'Cause it smells good?
Yeah. So, maybe that's a vegan gamble.
I'll put a little bow on it.
Yeah. All right, so basically anything with a bow
or a cork in it is a vegan gamble.
Anything with chopstick in it is pure vegan,
and anything with some almonds on top is vegetarian.
Everything else is delicious.
All right. Dinner is served.
- Right on. - OK.
Lauren!
All right, just put it...
- Oh, you got the... - Hi.
Sorry, I'm just gonna put this down here.
Huh, Rick's thick sweet potatoes.
- Great. - Molly?
- Yeah? - Where do you want the turkey?
You can just put it here.
- It's a good spot. - Is this good?
Yeah, here. Got it?
Yeah. Yeah.
I love that. I love that.
- Look at that. - Where are you sitting?
I guess sort of here so I can run
in and out of the kitchen, yeah.
That's good.
- Oh! - What else do we need?
Sorry, I was gonna...
There wasn't a good time, so I was gonna give you these.
I made these for us to just remember the day by.
That's you.
- That's me. - Oh it's sweet.
I just wanted to be romantic.
But you, I mean, it doesn't mean...
I mean, if you wanna frame them
you can do whatever you want.
- OK, thanks. - That's it.
I didn't draw Eden. I didn't think that... Yeah.
- They're for you. - Thank you.
Hey, let's get some liquor out here, huh?
Yeah.
Mommy.
Oh my god.
- Hi, Lilly. - Oh!
Hey. Hey, hey, squirt. What's going on?
Mommy, what are you doing?
Is dinner ready?
What are you doing?
I'm helping Aunt Abby feel better.
What's wrong Aunt Abby?
Well, Lilly, I was sad,
but not anymore because Mommy helped me so much.
Why were you sad?
Well, I just found out that an ex-sweetheart of mine
is marrying a daddy dy...
- Person. - Person.
And that made me very sad.
And so Mommy made Aunt Abby feel better.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Because... Because kisses make people feel better.
Yes, they do. They sure do.
What's going on?
Mommy was making Aunt Abby feel better.
Oh, God. OK.
Oh, really?
And how was she doing that?
Lilly, honey, why don't you go sit with your brother?
I'll be there in a second.
- OK. - OK.
Ladies.
- Well, well, well. - Dan, listen.
Listen to what?
- I am sorry. - OK, yes you are.
Yet, yet we weren't really making out at all.
Oh.
I mean, we were making out a little bit,
but in a different... Like she felt very safe to me.
My wife felt safe to you?
Can I just... Can I talk to him for a second?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna leave you guys alone.
You're great. I love you though.
- Well, we don't need... - We're good, right?
We don't need no more love from you.
All right? You gave us enough love.
Who's gonna carve this turkey?
- Oh. - Oh.
- No? - Do you...
Well, maybe Molly should carve the turkey.
You know, in the name of feminism.
Oh, that's sweet.
But I don't know how to carve a turkey,
so, anyone go for it.
You know, I'd love to carve the turkey.
- Is that OK? - Yes.
Please.
I like a man who knows how to handle his turkey.
Well then you should see what I can do with my turkey.
- Right? - Right.
Who's gonna lead us in a blessing?
- I can. - Yeah.
Bless that food for Jesus.
OK, so you pray and I'll carve after that.
This will be a non-denominational spiritual blessing.
This is so beautiful.
The people, the temperature, the air.
Bless this lettuce.
This is such nice fresh, probably from the farmer's market.
The green beans also...
Yeah. Those are sweet.
They are in season. Bless this vegetable medley.
I see baby carrots. Hi, guys.
All my friends are in here.
Lima beans.
Mm, green peas.
Sorry, I'm having a repressed memory.
Bless you guys and bless all of us for being here.
I know a lot of us probably come from broken families.
I do.
Thank you.
I have never spent Thanksgiving with other people.
So thank you.
I feel really blessed to be here,
and thank you so much, hostess, and host.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jesus.
Amen, all right.
Amen to heaven above.
- Here we go. - Let's eat.
Is it OK that we're starting without the rest of the guys?
Yeah, it's OK. Let's just enjoy it.
They'll be out in a minute.
We talked about this.
You said you didn't mind.
Well, I thought I was gonna be there.
Well, we didn't say that.
Well I definitely didn't think
our goddamn daughter was gonna be there.
Yeah, but she's like tiny.
What do you mean?
I can't wait until she gets to school
and start making motherfuckers feel better then.
Oh, come on now.
Don't be angry.
- Come on, Daddy. - Look, man.
Don't. All right? I'm upset.
I'm a little turned on, but I'm upset.
Stop. No, no.
Geez.
Oh!
OK. I'm obviously drunk.
And probably a few other things.
I wanna talk about this with you, I really do.
I wanna talk about feelings and boundaries.
- OK. - And feelings.
OK.
But right now...
- OK. - I need to sit down.
OK.
This ground is so hard.
This is motherfuckin'...
Oh, it's like made out of stone or something.
Oh, screw it.
How do you like me now, Claire?
I'll step to you all day.
For the blitz that he knows is coming.
And it is! He's through!
He caught him mapping and now it's another open field ahead.
35... 40... What a block!
You just wait until Christmas.
I promise you. You bet your black ass I'm gonna flip Christmas on its ass.
Yes, I am. That X in Christmas, watch what I do with that X.
- Let's eat. - Let's eat.
They say that salsa is all in the hips,
but I think it is in the pelvis.
Why don't you just say genitals.
We all know that's what you mean.
Well, if anyone at this table has ever made love
to a man who can salsa,
they know exactly what I'm talking about.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, I can't salsa, OK?
But I have never had any complaints in that department.
None that you know of.
- Can someone pass the wine? - Oh, really?
- Yeah, really. - What do you mean?
Remember that real serious face you used to make?
Oh, come on.
That's how I knew you were connecting.
Hey, Brianne, would you mind passing the wine?
At least he looked you in the eye.
Oh, why? You've had a lot of guys who don't
look you in the eye, Helen?
Honey, I was sexually active in the 70s.
You were lucky if they even asked back then.
Are you talking about rape?
Abby, have a drink.
I would love to, if someone would just
pass the fucking wine over here.
Well, thank you, Helen.
And, by the way, I would have asked.
You wouldn't have had to.
- Oh, is that right? - Ooh!
- You want some turkey? - Oh, yeah!
Should we leave you two alone?
We were just playing around.
We're having fun.
Yeah.
I think you forgot how to do that.
Excuse me, I think I am throwing a party here, am I not?
Well, why don't you act like it, hmm?
How am I not acting like it?
You're on baby duty. I totally get it.
- Thank you. - Not today you don't.
I'm on baby duty, remember?
Let's fucking party!
All right, here we go!
You know, I gotta tell you, Helen,
you're a goddamn blast. You guys, I mean, let...
To Helen, and all that skin she's showing.
Hey!
To me being a goddamn blast!
Oh, yes.
Shots, party. Vegas.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Right on.
Oh, you know what we should do.
Mmm?
Everyone at the table should just say
15 reasons they are thankful.
What are you grateful for?
Oh, shit, he's awake.
Ooh, I got him. I'll take care of him.
No, it's all right. I got it.
Or are you just dying to get out of here?
Yeah, a little bit.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Go back to your very Vegas Thanksgiving.
I think Helen's gonna be topless soon,
you don't want to miss that.
All right, I'll go first.
I'm thankful for meeting Molly,
because without that I would have never met
you beautiful human beings.
So, thank you, Molly.
Molly.
That's wonderful.
I'll go. Um... I myself am thankful for Ayahuasca.
I was able to do it about nine or 10 times this year,
and each time was a revelation.
It's deep.
It's emotional.
- Well... - I wasn't done.
- Oh... - It's also, it's weirdly intellectual.
'Cause you get in your head
and you start thinking about things.
Click, click, click, click, click.
Different ways.
And that's it.
That's great.
I am thankful for my Cross-Fit gym taking off
and fucking killing it this year.
And also that I get to stick my wein
in the hottest chick in Tustin, California.
I am thankful for Christmas.
OK, nobody knows what you're talking about.
Nobody knows what you're talking about.
- No, I get it. - Sorry, you guys.
No, it's like a month away. It's just awareness.
I'm thankful for it too.
They are killing it today.
A yummy?
Yummy!
That good?
I made it myself.
You like my pie. Mm-hmm.
- Skal! - Skal!
- School?
- Skal. - Skal.
What the hell? I love you.
OK, I love you too.
- You done? - Yup.
- Yeah. - All right, 'cause Mama's high.
I need some lovin' right now.
OK, I got you, baby.
I got you.
I need some ice cream.
I'm gonna get you some ice cream.
Imma get you some ice cream.
All right, sweetheart.
I feel like when I'm there it's like I'm following the moon.
It's like that's how I feel when I'm there.
Well, we're always following the moon,
'cause like we're made of water.
And the moon is what controls the tides.
So you don't even have to try to follow the moon.
It's just leading us around.
I can't believe that you know that.
I love how big your hands are.
Oh my gosh.
They are pretty big, huh?
Yeah, but it's so powerful.
Abby.
- Abby. - Yo!
- Abby. - Abby.
Whoa.
Who are you guys?
You can't tell? We're your Fairy Gay Mothers.
Fairy Gay Mothers?
Yeah. All the newbies get one.
Oh.
Thanks, but I'm not a newbie.
I've slept with over two women.
Well...
- Two, wow. - A lesbian lothario.
Hmm. I like you guys.
So you're in your teenage lesbian years.
We know how awkward that can be.
Especially in your 30s.
Most people have houses by then.
Yeah, I'm content just to have boobs in my bed.
Oh, that never goes away.
- Boobs are the best. - We love that.
So you fell in love with a woman
who locked you in a closet at a party
because she didn't like what you were wearing?
Routine. Par for the course.
If I had a tool belt for every time that happened.
And you stayed with her because you loved her?
Stayed with her because she felt like home.
Baby girl, you're the home you're looking for.
You just have to invite others in.
It doesn't matter if those others are butch, femme.
A stone top, a cold bottom.
A dirty Carla, a clean Carla.
A deep sea diver.
A clam digger.
Daddy dyke. Mommy dyke.
- Baby dyke. - A rug doctor.
- A DJ. - A European bush woman.
- A spitting yak. - A cunt runt.
- A dumpster butt. - A pussy pioneer.
With a covered wagon.
And that home you've been looking for,
it was inside you all along.
It was?
Well, I mean, the 'shrooms helped.
I mean, come on.
You're pretty fucked up.
Ha!
All you have to do is knock your
wingtip oxfords together three times,
- and say... - There's no place...
- Like home. - Depot.
- There's no place... - Like home.
Depot.
- There's no place... - Like home.
Depot.
There's no place like Home Depot.
And you were close to your brother?
Mm-hm.
And what's funny is the day he went missing
is the day I started to find myself.
Wow.
And, yeah, do I want him to come back?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- Yeah. - And also no.
The last word we got from...
You just kind of know vo...
...cabulary.
Oh my god.
So sorry.
Claire. Sha-woman.
Sha-woman Claire.
Listen. Hi.
Hi, come on in.
Hi, hi, hi.
Listen, I have to say, I am so sorry.
My outburst earlier was not cool.
Had a little bit of an epiphany
and I realized that I was wrong.
I'm sorry. I respect your...
This. I love this for you.
Abby, you should never, ever apologize for being,
just being simply where you are.
Mm-hm.
Which is...
- right here. - Right here.
Hey.
Where the miracles happen.
I'm just saying your timing is interesting.
What is so interesting about wanting
to spend time with my daughter and my grandson?
Where's Silverio?
At home. Why?
Why isn't he here with you?
You're in trouble again, aren't you?
Well, just because I'm getting a divorce
doesn't mean that I am in trouble.
Oh!
It just means that I no longer want to drive around Europe
- on a food truck. - Bingo.
I knew it. I knew you weren't here for us.
Your feet are getting big.
Yeah, they are.
You have bigger feet.
- Ooh! - Mom!
Whoa, whoa, not too close to mommy's face.
Are you able to do...
Watch yourself.
Does she make it?
Hey, little man.
What's going on?
Oh, you sad?
Oh, Eden. Oh, yeah.
Society's gonna try to make you conform
to all of its crazy messed up standards
because society is up women's asses.
I mean, society is just up inside our assholes.
Don't be sad.
Hey, hey, hey.
Look... Look.
Eden. Eden, smile.
Telling us what to do and what to think
and how to be and what to say
and how come your nails aren't long enough
and how come your head isn't laid down
and your hair ain't there,
but let me tell you something right now.
You live your life the way you want to.
And you're a strong Black woman.
And don't take no mess 'cause who run the world?
- Girls. - OK, Mommy.
Thank you for that wonderful holiday story.
It was really nice.
Say Papa.
Shh-shh.
Whoa.
Whoa, OK.
What are you doing?
He just latched on.
And you know, I didn't wanna embarrass him or anything.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
That's OK.
Jeff.
Yeah.
Can I have him, please?
Yeah, sure. Here.
- No worries. - OK.
I think I'm gonna put him down.
Yeah, cool. Cool.
Do you mind if I just get a moment with him?
Oh, my god, yes, of course, darling. Go ahead.
I will see you downstairs.
OK.
Good night.
You're OK.
OK.
Let's have a little sleep, shall we?
I love you. I love you.
Sleeping?
He will be in a minute.
Why don't you let me take over now?
Well, even you can admit I can handle this.
You know what, I would love that.
Thank you.
You are welcome.
I showed up here tonight, honestly,
wanting to like talk to a wall.
Am I better than a wall?
Honey...
I just called you honey.
This is going fast, but I want you to know...
Hello?
Oh, is that you, Brianne?
Hi.
Hello.
- Hello? - Hello.
OK, I'll go to another bathroom.
Who the fuck invited all these people?
Oh...
And who's the silver fox Helen's talking to?
I might have texted a couple of people.
Oh, a couple of people.
Yeah, people you'd like.
Fuck it. You know what?
Baby's down for the night,
Helen says she's watching him,
so it's momma time.
- Yeah! - Oh!
What are you drinking up here?
Hennessy and ginger.
There she goes.
Really? You said you wanted to watch the baby.
Don't you hear him crying?
Sweetheart, that's what babies do.
- They cry. - Oh.
I can't get anything right with her.
I knew this was gonna happen.
What was that about?
He's got a rash.
He must be having an allergic reaction to something.
I think he's wheezing.
We should take him to the hospital.
I'll drive.
I can't drive.
Well, then, call a Lyft!
Dumpster butt.
Oh my god, Abby! What is wrong with you?
I need you. Wake up!
I'm awoke.
Just can't drive.
You know what? Never mind.
25 minutes for a fucking ambulance.
Are they out of their minds?
Well, the Lyft says three minutes away.
OK.
He's definitely wheezing, but,
at least we can hear him breathing, right?
So that's a good sign.
He must have eaten something he shouldn't have.
It's OK.
Hey can babies...
He can have pecans, right?
Did you give him some of your fucking pie?
Just a... Not a whole piece.
Just like the tiniest little bit.
- I'm not an idiot. - Fuck, Abby!
He must be allergic to pecans.
Shh-shh. It's OK, it's OK.
There's nothing OK about this.
No, I know there's nothing OK about this!
Everyone knows you don't give babies nuts
before they're one.
What were you thinking?
I didn't realize a pecan was a nut!
I mean, I... No, I realized it, but like I wasn't thinking.
Of course you weren't thinking.
You haven't been thinking for the past year.
You've just been living in denial about Maeve
and feeling sorry for yourself.
You know what?
You are the one refusing to deal with your truth, not me!
What do about dealing with your truth?
You were in the closet until you were fucking 29 years old.
Well, I'm not the one who wanted to have a party today.
You were.
You're going through a divorce.
Act like it.
How can I?
Every time I bring up my divorce,
you start talking about your breakup
as if it's the same fucking thing!
Well, why isn't it?
I was married for four years!
So what?
My husband left me with a five month old!
And I dated a woman who shaved my head
in the middle of the night 'cause she saw a gray hair.
You can't quantify grief.
Here we go with the lesbian fucking sob story again.
What are you talking about?
You know what? Never mind.
I can't deal with you right now.
I'm sorry.
I just can't believe you're saying this to me right now
when I'm on 'shrooms.
Your mouth is like...
It's moving all weird like a puppet
and it is freaking me out!
Did it ever occur to you that maybe
I'm not ready to deal with the pain that I'm feeling?
And maybe Jeff is just a fucking rebound,
but it's something that I need right now, OK?
- Molls? - Fuck.
You know maybe I didn't wanna spend today with just you
because I didn't want to listen to you
bitch about some woman who never loved you.
I've been listening to it for the whole fucking year.
I can't do it anymore, Abby!
OK.
Abby, what the hell is going on?
I gave the baby nuts.
He's having an allergic reaction,
and Molly has a puppet mouth.
OK, Molly, wait.
I'm coming with you.
Well, this happened at my niece's school.
One kid went and sat where the other kids would eat nuts.
He just sat.
And then he died.
Help! Help!
Hello? Hi.
Excuse me, can somebody help us?
- We need help please. - Yeah.
He's having an allergic reaction to nuts.
- Yeah, he gobbled nuts. - OK, are you his mother?
- Yes. - Yes.
Were you there when it happened?
No, I wasn't.
Have you been drinking today, ma'am?
No, I had a little bit of wine, but no.
All right. Did you bring your insurance card?
- Yeah. - Did you?
- Yes. - Yes?
Yeah, in here.
- Come on! - Hang on.
- Relax. - Sorry.
OK. When you get done with that will you bring me
two bottles of Pedialyte to room one?
We're gonna check him out.
We'll see what the real issue is.
I just told you what the issue is.
He had nuts. His throat might close up.
Can you just check him?
We will. You said you weren't there.
We just need to make sure that nobody
gave him anything else, like drugs or alcohol.
Nobody gave him drugs or alcohol.
Well, we don't know that.
Well, I know that.
I'm his mother, and I am telling you
that he didn't have drugs or alcohol.
He had nuts. Can you just treat him for that?
OK. Just calm down, follow me.
I love Thanksgiving.
She's not a better kisser than me, is she?
No. No.
I mean her lips are way softer, but don't worry.
You're a much better kisser, hon.
- I can't find the baby. - What?
Hi, this is Molly.
Leave a message.
There's no place like Home Depot.
How are you holding up?
The battery was almost dead when I found the monitor.
What if I didn't hear him crying?
Look, you didn't cross any lines today, in any way.
He could've died.
You're doing the best you possibly can.
Did you mean what you said back at the house
about me being a rebound?
I actually did.
I just, I don't know how great of a partner
I can be right now, you know?
I'm sorry. I just... it's been a great two weeks.
17 days.
And you're great.
I'm just not ready for a relationship.
That's OK. Yeah.
I'm so...
Oh, I should get this.
Yeah.
Listen, do you want me to stay?
I can stay.
It's OK. I've got it.
OK.
- Hello? - Oh.
Hang on. Hang on one second.
I still you owe you money for the photo booth.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Cool.
- OK. - OK.
Hey.
I don't want to alarm you, but,
Eden is missing and... is he with you?
We're at the hospital.
He had an allergic reaction to nuts.
Oh, thank god.
Molly and Eden are at the hospital.
What happened?
Abby gave him pecans.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Everyone knows you don't give kids nuts.
Hey. Hey, what's going on? Is he OK?
I didn't even know you were gone.
Yeah, he's fine.
All right, look, I'm gonna come down there, OK?
Oh, no, honey, it's fine.
We're probably gonna be out of here real soon.
All right.
Well, if you need anything, I'm two minutes away.
I know. I love you.
I love you too, hon.
You wanna check on the kids?
Yeah.
Oof, man.
Oh, that was so scary.
Oh, man. How's she doing?
- Mm, she seems fine. - Yeah.
Wow, god, it seems like a lot to go through, you know?
Oh, I feel very shaken up.
- Mm, sure. - Thank you.
This feels nice.
Of course. Oh!
Oh, god. Helen, wait.
Wait... Sorry.
Helen, hey. I can't do this.
Why not?
You're not gonna give me this crap about being old.
I mean, I can go all night and still make you breakfast.
Hey, I don't doubt that you make a killer omelet.
And it's not that you're too old.
You are a gorgeous woman.
But, you're Molly's mother.
Oh, well, I mean, you've seen us fighting.
We are like sisters.
I wouldn't sleep with my ex's sister either, Helen.
Why does Molly get all the fun?
- All the fun? - Yeah.
You know she's at the hospital right now with her son. Right?
And she's going through a divorce.
That doesn't sound like fun.
I have gone through five divorces.
Like Elizabeth Taylor.
Helen, you're not sisters, OK?
You're her mother.
Seems like she could use that right now.
Know what I mean?
- Hey. - Hi.
Well, his tests are fine, but he does have a nut allergy.
I'm just gonna get a doctor to sign off on him
and then you guys will be free to go.
Thank you.
Pluto Raiders?
Yeah.
OK, what was it like working with Streep?
I mean, come on.
The best.
I knew it.
- OK, he'll be right in. - OK.
Oh, I love you, my little boy.
My sweet boy.
Oh, God.
Abby Barone, I'm here to see Molly and Eden Erickson.
OK, it's family only.
Just let me...
Oh, I am family.
Oh, I'm not fam...
Oh, I see. Oh, is it because I'm gay?
I can't be family with a straight person 'cause I'm gay?
No. No.
Do I need to make a viral video for the ACLU?
Do you want a million hits on that shit?
- Ma'am. - I'm gonna call GLAAD, the HRC,
and a thousand Dykes on Bikes are just gonna
rain down on this fire.
OK, ma'am.
It's not 'cause you're gay.
Just not on the list.
I'm not on the family list?
It's fine. She's family.
Well, rainbow flags for everybody.
Yeah, ma'am...
I still need you to fill out the visitor log.
Oh, OK.
And, you can go ahead and call Dykes on Bikes
because my cousin Teresa owes me 45 bucks.
Well...
Classic Dyke on a Bike.
Mm-hmm.
I know.
I wanna go too.
- Hey... - Hey.
Is he OK?
Yeah.
He has a nut allergy.
Yeah, well, I figured.
Hi.
How are you?
I don't know.
I should have been with him.
Oh, God, no.
Don't do that.
It was my fault.
Well, that is true.
But listen, maybe I needed this.
I just didn't wanna deal with anything today.
I was just trying to prove I was OK.
- I'm not OK. - I know.
I'm sorry I was shitty to you about Maeve.
Not, it's...
You were right.
She never loved me.
Yeah, but at least you were brave enough
to try to have some real intimacy.
I don't think I've ever been able to do that.
Michael and I didn't have any real intimacy.
I was basically just his ornament.
Maybe I am just a prettiot.
You're not that pretty.
You know you're actually prettier on the inside
than you are on the outside.
That is fucking infuriating.
Babe, you're a great catch.
- OK. - Yeah, you are.
And I cannot wait to see you with your person.
Well, I don't know.
The L.A. lesbian world is pretty self-aware.
And you can't be self-aware and not know you're gay
until your thirties.
Well, if only your tube sock collection
had been any indication.
Cynical, late-blooming, low femme lady lover
with an incredible tube sock collection,
looking for her Idgie Threadgoode.
Must love to sit around the table with friends,
laughing and eating way into the night,
but be willing to sneak away and make mad love
to the cool sounds of Queen B.
Nice boobies a plus.
- Hey, Molly. - Yeah?
He's all set to go.
Oh. Thank you.
Thanks for everything.
My pleasure.
Hey. Cousin Teresa, gonna give you her number.
No pressure.
I feel like... unprofessional.
Of course that's what you'd say.
Not the time.
Come on, let's get out of here.
We'll talk about it in the car.
I'll get this.
I love you.
Gobble, gobble.
Uh, man.
That hat was on Jeff's balls.
After all he's been through tonight?
They were clean balls.
Oh my god.
How do you know?
I licked them.
Thank God.
- Hey. - Poor guy.
How are you doing?
Oh, I'm great, but this one's a mess.
It's OK.
Thanks, honey.
I'm gonna go grab the kids.
- OK. - Dan.
I'm sorry I made out with your wife.
- Look here, it is all good. - OK.
Just next time, you just invite a brother.
That's all I ask. You dig?
Listen, I have yet to meet a man worthy of two women,
but if there is one, it's you.
I love you guys.
We love you.
Bye.
- Thanks, bye. - Bye, honey.
Bye.
Leftovers?
Hell, yeah.
I thought you might be hungry.
Yeah.
This is nice.
You have so many strong and beautiful women around you.
I really envy you girls and this time
that you are living in.
You're living in it too, Helen.
Call me Mom.
Nah, I think Helen's a better fit.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Yeah.
Helen.
Join me outside?
Nice chat. Enjoy the food.
At least someone's getting laid tonight.
You may also be getting a hemorrhoid.
- Ooh. - I don't have hemorrhoids.
That's the only thing I don't have right now.
Come on.
Stick a clove of garlic up your ass.
No, that...
- Oh my god. - It works!
You ever had your taint ripped open and bled out?
Have you ever had pus come out of your ass?
Huh? Have you ever had some fucking baby come out of you
while your asshole bleeds?
What am I saying?
I forgot what I was supposed to be saying.
They don't make 'em like this over there, do they? Check it out.
Lower chocolates so they can see your breasts, babe.
Sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.
OK, here.
- The worst husband of all time. - Sorry.
Why would you invite him without asking me?
Oh, the two of you were so good together.
♪ Savannah ♪
♪ Savannah you're my girl ♪
He cheated on me.
♪ Savannah ♪
I'm gonna ask that you don't step to me in the future. OK?
Claire.
And I'll take your silence as consent.
That was terrible.
I don't understand.
What's the problem?
You said you didn't mind.
Well, I thought I was gonna be here. Shit.
Well you didn't...
You made me use my white voice.
Yeah, my doctor said I had hemorrhoids
because of all my built up aggression and anger
that I've been pushing, you know?
I had to go in, see my urologist,
'cause I had a massive softball sized tumor.
I had surgery last year for my hemorrhoids
'cause those have been bubbling back to the surface again.
You know?
I feel really blessed to be here
and thank you so much, hostess,
and host.
I inhaled a little soup, people.
Oh my God.
I remember when that kind of stuff used to happen
when I went to school.
But, you know, when we...
If we knew a kid had an allergy or a rash,
we'd just throw peanuts at his face.
- It's all in fun though. Hell. - Jack.
Oh, shit.
Jack, stop laughing.
I'm sorry.
- You like balls. - I can't say anything right.
- You like looking at balls? - I like balls.
Looking at them?
Mm-hm.
I don't need to look at them.
I just need to feel them up against me.
That's what I thought.
Some balls are nice.
That's what I thought.
- Some balls are nice. - No balls are nice.
This one's for Nicol Paone.
And then, like, swallow it like...
What the fuck kind of movie is this?
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