‐ Oh, God, hi, morning. ‐ Morning.
‐ Morning, Brad. Oh, hello.
Two for the price of one this morning, was it?
‐ Hey, you should join us, save us all on water.
‐ Ah, no, I, uh‐‐I demand a rent discount
for the sort of work I put in, Emma.
At school, I was a very fast knitter and soup eater,
so you'd both have a very good time.
Well, um, I might just, uh, slip in, like, a little bit of soap.
All right, just gonna‐‐ oh, it's steamy, guys.
[all laughing nervously]
‐ Mentaller.
‐ Actually, babe, just don't say mentaller.
Because my dad was mental, so it's a bit offensive.
‐ Sorry.
[distant pop music playing]
[distant grunting and moaning]
‐ [sighs]
[pop music]
[upbeat pop/rap music]
♪ ♪
AINE: Hiya, Pops.
‐ I have to walk to the doctor's now.
They had me on hold and then just hung up.
‐ Oh, right. God love you, yeah.
‐ And I found this on me chest.
‐ Oh, God, that's a rash patch.
Looks like a bit of, um, eczema or something.
‐ Yeah, and me with diabetes and‐‐
You know Yasma from the, uh‐‐ ‐ Yeah, I know, you told me.
But you shouldn't buy cigarettes on the street, you know?
‐ You never lost your accent. ‐ No.
‐ Irish. ‐ Yeah.
‐ Out with some cog, huh? ‐ Yeah, Harold.
‐ Now all I have is memories.
‐ Well, give you a rash, too, I suppose.
‐ Asylum seekers is cock ruined now.
‐ We're all immigrants, Pa, sure.
Why did your mother move over here in the first place?
‐ Oh, she was having a terrible time.
Unmarried, pregnant.
They tried to kill her.
‐ Well, there you have it.
‐ Plus she was white, so she fit in.
‐ Fuck me right‐‐bye, Pa. Good luck with your rash.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Lovely. Here we go.
Okay, so welcome to the café.
Or as we say in English...
ALL: Café. ‐ Café, exactly.
‐ Can I have a can of Coke? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ And a chips, please.
‐ Yeah, I mean, we're more of an up‐market café.
But yeah, go on, Grant. There's some chips for you.
And also it's may, not can.
‐ Um, a may of Coke?
‐ What? Oh, no, no.
"May I have a can of Coke, not, "Can I have a may of Coke."
‐ Oh! [laughs] May, yeah.
‐ May. ‐ Uh, Theresa May.
[all laughing]
‐ Theresa May, who‐‐we definitely don't sell her at the café.
And that is 30 pounds, please. Lovely.
[bell rings] Right, who's next?
Victor, come on.
What can I get you?
‐ A vodka Coke.
[all laughing]
‐ Pool center's at the café, Victor.
‐ No, it's "May I have vodka and Coke, please?"
‐ Right, yes. Um, so I'm‐‐I'm the teacher here.
Thank you very much.
So, may I have...
‐ May I have...
‐ Vodka and Coke?
‐ A vodka and Coke? ‐ Then...
‐ Please? ‐ Please, yes, very good.
Thank you. [ding]
That'll be 40 pounds, please.
London prices.
Thank you. I'm makin' it rain here.
[chuckling] Fantastic.
You rang, Your Highness?
‐ Thank you, muggle. You may sit.
So, what's the crack, as you say?
‐ Ho ho! Your Jamaican accent's coming along well.
‐ That doesn't work. Actually, I'm Jamaican.
‐ Well, Ja‐makin' me crazy with your terrible Irish accent.
‐ Ha. Seriously, though,
one of the guys has put out a job with his French kid.
You speak French.
‐ Oui, Monsieur. [speaking French]
‐ Yeah. Is that a yes? I don't speak French.
‐ Don't be...croiss‐ant with me
for making you feel inferior.
‐ [speaking foreign language]
‐ Oh...zing.
‐ No, I‐I'm sorry, no, I‐‐ ‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah.
‐ It was banter. ‐ No, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine. Yeah, what were you saying?
‐ Yeah, no, so, uh, I'd love for you to do it.
Um, but... ‐ Mm‐hmm?
‐ Do you think you could go around for a quick hello now?
‐ Now?
‐ Yeah, the father wants to meet you first.
So you'd be starting tomorrow, but it would be some nice dollars‐‐
‐ Um...I mean, yeah, Sterling would be nicer.
But, uh, yeah, of course, of course I'll do it.
‐ Perfect. ‐ Yeah, that's‐‐
‐ Address on the top.
‐ Grand. Genuinely, thanks. I need the work, so...
you know. ‐ Aine, um...
I'm sorry about that joke.
‐ Oh, no, God, no, don't be silly! Don't be silly!
Just banter between mates.
Oh, I have no soul, James. You know that.
But I will be reporting you to Ofsted. ‐ No, please don't.
[upbeat music]
CHORUS: ♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
AINE: Hi. ‐ Hi.
‐ Oh, hi, I'm Aine.
‐ Right, yeah. Richard. Come on in.
‐ Oh, you're English.
‐ Uh...yeah.
So? ‐ Well, I just thought
you might be French. ‐ No.
No, I'm not French.
‐ Well, let me know if you change your mind.
[laughs]
‐ It's actually my, uh, my...
well, son, I suppose.
Yeah, yeah, son who needs tutoring.
‐ All right, so you don't need help with your English then.
That is what we call in the tutoring business a joke.
‐ Right, yeah, um...
He's 12. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ He's just moved here from France.
I think his English is‐‐is...
probably better than he lets on.
‐ God, he sounds shifty.
‐ Yeah, that's about it, really.
Uh...he has brown hair.
‐ Then I am outta here! [chortling]
[laughs]
RICHARD: Another one of your jokes? ‐ It was, yeah.
‐ Oh, and, uh, his mother died recently.
‐ Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
‐ Ah, it's okay, I, um...
I actually didn't know her that well.
‐ Yeah, but, like, you know, for...Etienne.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Wow. God.
That's... And so you didn't know her?
‐ No, not really, uh...
No, we used to see each other, you know, once a year.
‐ And now he lives with you.
‐ I'm, uh, I'm his legal guardian.
‐ His father.
‐ Yep. Yep. Um...
That too. ‐ Mmm...
God, there's such different consequences having sex
when you've got a penis compared to a vagina, aren't there?
I could have kept that one in my mouth, actually,
instead of letting it come out.
‐ Uh, he's, uh, waiting upstairs
if you, uh...
if you wanna go up.
Maybe...now? ‐ Oh, yeah.
[knock on door]
‐ Hello, Etienne.
I'm only your English tutor.
‐ Bonjour. ‐ Ah, no.
[speaking French]
Let's, uh, let's start now.
Hello. ‐ Hello.
‐ You're a genius already. I can't believe it.
What are you playing?
‐ "Mario Party."
‐ My favorite kind of party.
Used to know those guys back in the day before they got famous.
Um...how long have you lived here for?
‐ Un mois.
‐ Ah. English.
‐ Munce. ‐ Oh, one month, yeah.
Did your dad, uh...
So do you say Dad or do you say Papa?
What does he do? ‐ He's selling books
and he gives me this.
‐ Eh. Ooh, God.
He's a bit, uh... he's a little bit like
[stiffly] "Hello, hello," isn't he? ‐ [laughs[
AINE: Yeah? ‐ Yeah, he's quite...
‐Yeah. Do you have friends here,
[speaking French] ‐ Mm...no.
‐ Well, you have one now.
Me. I mean me, yeah.
I mean, if you want to be my friend, that is.
‐ No. ‐ No, you don't!
Oh, my God, that's‐‐
I mean...pffft! That's awful.
‐ I'm joking. ‐ You were joking?
Well, you absolutely had me. Ha, you big old joker.
So can we officially be friends, please?
‐ Okay. AINE: Yeah?
Amazing.
‐ [speaking French]
‐ All the French has completely gone out of my head, Etienne.
‐ You want to play with me? I‐I has another‐‐
‐ Oh, well, not now.
But if your dad doesn't hate me‐‐and there's a strong chance that he might‐‐
I'll come back again
probably tomorrow maybe?
‐ You won't come back.
‐ Now, Etienne, excusez‐moi,
I will come back, and I will tell you why.
I am actually a champion...
tiny Italian plumber's party player,
and I bet you 5...
cinq‐‐ pounds.
And I promise you that I'm going to come back tomorrow
and beat you at the game.
What? Yes!
‐ Okay. ‐ Yeah?
‐ 5 pounds? ‐ 5 pounds‐‐it's a promise.
RICHARD: Right. ‐ Yes.
‐ So, uh, tomorrow at 5:00?
‐ Yes, yes, for more of our hilarious, quick‐witted banter.
Um...so when you guys are hanging out...
‐ Uh..."hanging out"?
‐ Yes, like...hanging out‐‐
it's really good if you can read to him‐‐
that sort of stuff really helps. ‐ Right.
Uh...
Is that something that, uh,
maybe you could do with him? ‐ Um...
Yeah, okay.
Well, I have to go 'cause we're having a night in, so...
‐ You and your husband. ‐ Ah! Husband.
Very good. No, um...my sister.
‐ Right. ‐ I mean, she's a bit
like my husband, but...
Do you have a wife?
‐ No. Um...no.
Just a...[inhales] just a son suddenly, so...
‐ Right, well...
‐ Your jacket's very, um... John Motson.
‐ I don't know who...that...
Is that a compliment? ‐ Uh, football reference.
‐ Okay.
Oh, is that‐‐
Ah.
Christ in black.
[upbeat music]
It was a good barb, actually, though, 'cause, look.
That's John Motson.
[both laughing]
It does look like my sheepskin.
BOTH: Oh, shit.
‐ We shoulda got the ones with the, uh, ear hooks.
‐ Can we not take them off? My cocka‐neck is killing me, Shona.
‐ No, you gotta leave it on for 20 minutes‐‐that's the point.
‐ Ugghh... ‐ And that's tension, by the way.
‐ What? ‐ It's where you hold your sadness.
‐ Better than my ass, I suppose.
And it's not that I‐‐just that I didn't sleep again last night...
‐ You should talk to your therapist about that.
‐ Let me finish‐‐because Bradley and Emma were having sex so loudly.
Honestly, like two alley cats punching each other in the face.
‐ Ivy's still seeing your therapist, so...
‐ Oh, Go‐‐Yeah. ‐ Seriously, thank you, Aine.
‐ Yeah. Hey, tell me about your one Charlotte.
Just‐‐what's she look like? ‐ What's she look like?
‐ Get me a picture. ‐ I'll show you a picture.
‐ Oh, do, yeah. ‐ She's got this bottle‐long neck.
She looks like a giraffe. ‐ Oh, my God!
‐ But, like, in a good way. ‐ A pretty giraffe.
‐ And just, like, her skin is nuts. You can't even tell from that photo.
It's just really‐‐ ‐ Is she wearing makeup?
‐ No. She doesn't wear makeup.
‐ Oh, my God. Oh, a natural beauty.
What a bitch. ‐ She's great, though.
‐ Oh, my God. ‐ She feels the same way as me
about work at the moment, just that it's destroying her soul.
‐ You have a brilliant job!
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah!
‐ What is my job? ‐ [laughs]
‐ What‐‐what do I do? What's my job?
‐ You‐‐you... ‐ What do I do‐‐what is my job?
‐ You do money.
‐ Yeah, money. ‐ I dunno‐‐stock, shares.
Nasdaq, calculators. I don't know.
Nobody understands the economy.
That's why people blame everything on immigrants.
It's easier. Oh, my God, her website has music?
‐ I know, it's great, isn't it?
Gonna meet her tomorrow. Got an idea I'm gonna pitch to her.
[soft pop music] Oh...okay.
AINE: Stocks. SHONA: Wealth.
AINE: Shares. SHONA: Money.
SHONA: Banking. AINE: Calculators.
SHONA: Funds.
F‐‐ ‐ I'm going to eat you like
a little piece of‐‐ I can't remember.
‐ What an amazing impression!
‐ It's Hannibal Lecter.
I'm going to eat you like a little chicken slice.
CHORUS: ♪ Da da ♪
♪ Da da ♪
♪ Da da da da ♪
‐ Hello, everybody. Good morning.
I am so sorry I am late, everybody.
And also I haven't had breakfast,
so if my tummy grumbles like‐‐ arr, arr‐‐
then please just be polite and pretend you don't hear.
I'm going to waste away like a leaf at the end of Autumn.
What's up, Mo?
Oh, my God!
Jesus! Victor!
What hap‐‐what happened to ya?
‐ He won't speak to us. We think racist attack.
‐ Oh, my God, Victor, let me see your eye, lovey, Jesus.
God, did somebody attack you because you're Bulgarian?
‐ Yes, I Bulgarian.
Prick hit me.
‐ We're gonna have to get that seen to.
‐ James, come on, some racist popped the poor guy.
And I'm foreign, so an attack on him is an attack on me.
‐ All right, Erin Brockovich. ‐ That's not fair.
Fuckin' racism! ‐ Bad, is it?
‐ Yes, I do realize I'm a bit of a dickhead,
but James, he's very vulnerable,
and he barely has a word of English.
So I would really appreciate you just taking him to the hospital.
‐ These aren't kids, Aine, and if you feel so strongly,
you can take him.
‐ No, I can't, 'cause I have to tutor that French kid at 5:00.
‐ Yes, you do. ‐ Yes, I do, for you.
‐ No, you're being paid. ‐ Fair point.
‐ You defo can't take him? ‐ No!
AINE: Thanks so much for coming with me, Chen.
God, I've got so much on today.
‐ Of course. We are family.
‐ Awww. So sweet.
God, I hate the way men don't talk about their feelings or pain.
‐ Victor...he's big man.
He don't fight racists. So now he ashamed.
‐ Life can be hard for men too.
I think the vulnerability is seen as a weakness.
Do you know what vulnerabil‐‐ Vulnerability's like...ehh....
‐ Life is hard for men. Can't do anything now.
Give a woman a hug in a bar, suddenly you're a rapist.
‐ Well, maybe if you don't know her, don't hug her.
‐ Gone too far, the whole thing.
‐ Yeah, the whole thing, yeah.
‐ [sighs] Whole thing.
VICTOR: No, no. No police.
AINE: Fine, fine, Victor.
But, God, you know, it's awful how many racist attacks
have been happening since Brexit.
Immigrants, just‐‐just like us,
too scared to call the police.
Ha. We're always trying to better our lives, you know,
feed our children.
‐ You have children, Aine?
‐ Not that I know of, no.
‐ You know these girls on train shout at me,
"Fuck off, Brexit!"
They Indian. Indian people very racist.
‐ Well, I mean, Chen, that in itself is‐‐that‐‐
I mean, that's racist. Because my sister's boyfriend is Indian.
‐ I laugh. I say to them,
"You stupid bitches. I Chinese.
So, Brexit, I stay here."
[laughing]
‐ I mean, I'll be honest with you, Chen,
while your views on Indian people are, at best, problematic,
that's a really good comeback.
Right, so you can stay here with him, because I have to go‐‐
‐ No, I have to go. ‐ What?
‐ Beat traffic. Sorry.
‐ Uh...
Oh, shite balls!
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Sorry, 'scuse me. Hiya.
We have been here for about four hours.
And that is totally fine, because obviously, this is all free,
so zero presh.
But, um, how many people are‐‐are ahead of us?
‐ There are four people ahead of you. ‐ Mmm...
Interesting, okay. Hurry up, hurry up.
Not you, obviously. Sorry, just life.
Life, life, life.
Oh, my promise, my promise. "So sorry, I'm running late"‐‐
Ah! Oh, no!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I'm so late. ‐ Okay?
‐ Yes.
Yes.
‐ I get so worried about you in class
because you're just such a [whispers] quiet man.
I mean, I find it hard to talk about my feelings, and I'm like...
chatty with okay English...
Sorry, 'scuse me.
Hiya. Me again. [laughs]
Um...could I just ask you,
where are you from originally?
‐ I have worked for the NHS for nine years.
‐ Oh, no, no, no, no. No, I'm not asking in that wa‐‐
Oh, God, no, no, no, no, um...
I'm Irish, so I'm not‐‐sorry.
‐ Okay. I'm Bulgarian.
‐ Fuck off! You're not, are you?
Oh, my lord.
Hmm. That is...
My Bulgarian student
was attacked in an attack.
Would you...talk to him?
‐ Yes. Just for a moment. ‐ Oh, God, you're an angel.
You're an angel, you're an angel.
Jesus.
AINE: Ohh...
‐ Brexit.
‐ What I wanna do is I wanna set up
a kind of client networking event,
so exactly like the lads have, but just for women.
But a good one. ‐ Okay.
‐ You know, like encourage female investors
and just trying to push for ethnical investments
and even simple stuff like this client would be perfect for you,
this one's a bit of a molester. ‐ Right.
You might have to change that for the press release.
‐ Really? You don't think less molester is [snapping] catchy?
‐ Sure.
What would you want me to do?
‐ Um...just set it up with me. I just feel like I wanna do some good.
‐ So...me and you, like...
two sexy Yodas passing on wisdom?
‐ Yes, exactly, sexy‐‐ Actually, that is.
[phone ringing] That's catchy, isn't it?
Sorry, I'm gonna, um‐‐ ‐ Oh, go for it, take it.
‐ It's my, um‐‐ ‐ Is it your sister?
‐ Yeah. Sorry.
Hey, I‐I'm‐‐I can't talk, but what's up?
‐ Oh, nothing, only I'm a giant stupid idiot.
‐ Yeah, no news there then.
‐ Basically, I brought a man to the hospital
assuming that he'd been involved in a racist attack against Bulgarian people.
‐ That's xenophobic, Aine. It's not racist.
‐ Oh, fantastic, even my terminology is wrong.
God, I'm such an idiot.
‐ What's the problem? Sounds like a nice thing to do.
‐ I never properly asked him what had gone wrong‐‐I just assumed.
‐ Well, that's idiotic. ‐ Eat my ass, Shona.
‐ Eat my ass! Eat my‐‐
‐ I've had no food today and just coffee.
Who are you laughing with?
‐ Um, I'm ju‐‐I'm with Charlotte.
I'm being rude, anyway. ‐ Oh, sorry, sir.
Could you just pull in over here?
Just on the corner, yeah. Thank you for the charger.
Thank you. No, keep the change.
Thank you. Anyway, he was basically
on a building site, and, oh, I would laugh, only like
James might fire me, Shona.
Anyways, I thought he said a prick hit him.
But it was actually a brick. ‐ I'm really sorry.
‐ No need to apologize. Shona, I actually feel
like physically embarrassed for myself.
I'm actually cringing in my soul at the moment.
Oh, I hate being a guilty Catholic white woman.
I wish I was one of those white women who voted for Trump.
‐ Aine, will you just calm down? Just calm down.
‐ I 'm going, Shona, now, 'cause I have to go into this job,
and the dad's gonna hate me,
but my battery went dead before I could text him.
I made a promise to the French boy.
‐ Are you on drugs?
‐ Shut up, Shona. You're on drugs.
Fuck off. ‐ Yeah, okay,
bye.
‐ You all right?
‐ [laughs]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's great.
She's great. She just gets a bit...
She gets a bit overwhelmed, you know, so, uh...
Sorry.
‐ Maybe rule number one of our new club
is that we have to take a shot every time we say sorry.
‐ Okay. ‐ Sorry. Could we get
two sambucas, please?
‐ Hang on, are you‐‐you're in?
‐ Yeah, fuck it.
Let's change the world, baby. ‐ Okay, let's change the world.
Can I not have a sambuca, though? Sorry, it makes me barf.
Just a Keeler. Sorry.
‐ Just so you know, I did turn up.
‐ Right, well, he's asleep now.
‐ Yeah, I‐I am so, so sorry.
Like, I genuinely am. I know it's so unprofessional.
It's just like‐‐but I had to take someone to the hospital.
My phone died. I mean...
But I will just say I'm so good at my job.
And in terms of him English learning and all of that,
for him, I was the only good example.
‐ He needs people he can rely on.
‐ Absolutely, and I am‐‐ ‐ Aine!
Hi, Etienne. ‐ [speaking French]
‐ Ah, Etienne, it's not polite to call someone a retard.
‐ No, that's French for late.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Right. Of course. Jokes.
‐ I‐I mean, I'm just jokes, Richard.
‐ Well, your time keeping is a joke.
‐ The joker has become the jokee.
I'm‐‐[speaking French] Etienne.
‐ I forgive you. ‐ Ah!
‐ For the 5 pound. ‐ I see.
More in this than he lets on. ‐ Yes.
But in fairness‐‐clever move.
Here you go. RICHARD: What?
‐ But I did also get you something in case you felt left out.
It's the new John Grisham.
‐ Please.
‐ Can you do tomorrow at 5:00 p. m.?
‐ I can! I can.
‐ Are you sure there won't be any
dragons you have to slay en route, or...
‐ I mean, there's no guarantees of that, Richard.
No, there is! ‐ There is a guarantee.
‐ There is a guarantee for me now. ‐ 5:00 p. m.
‐ Okay.
‐ Absolutely. Ha ha!
Okay. ‐ Good night.
‐ Bonne nuit.
[door thuds shut] Oh, God.
Ohh...
Oh... [breathing hard]
[singing in foreign language]
♪ ♪