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♪ I was born in Houston ♪
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♪ Life was full and good ♪
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♪ Got a yen to travel ♪
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♪ No one understood ♪
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♪ Took my things
And said goodbye ♪
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♪ Left my family ♪
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Don't you look
pretty as a picture?
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♪ On my own in Seattle ♪
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♪ City by the sea ♪
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♪ There, a lovely woman ♪
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♪ Gave her love to me... ♪
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She-ma yisrael adonai eloheinu,
adonai echad.
13
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What's going on?
Where am I?
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Morning, sunshine.
15
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Willoughby?
What have you done?
16
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Would you believe
I just fancied a chat
with an old friend?
17
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Hardly.
18
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Well, before you get
all holier-than-thou,
19
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if the tables were turned,
you'd have done the same thing.
20
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Rabbi Loew
animated his creature
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to protect his people
from slaughter.
22
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I doubt you have such
lofty intentions for me.
23
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That hurts my feelings.
24
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I've got loads of
important shit for us to do.
25
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And old friends to see.
26
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Dear God, poor Niles!
27
00:03:02,258 --> 00:03:04,126
Whatever has
happened to you?
28
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Baphomet.
29
00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,465
Hello, love.
30
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I'm perfectly well.
Just lost a little weight,
that's all.
31
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How are you?
32
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- I--
Well, that's great!
33
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Listen, can I ask you
something, head to head?
34
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What do you think of my pal,
Willoughby?
35
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:26,315
Is he the kind of chap you see
yourself settling down with?
36
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:30,987
Willy, how could
you do this dreadful thing
to your friend?
37
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Whatever do you mean?
38
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I think I look top shelf.
39
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I have no interest
in these baby games.
40
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Don't summon me again
unless you decide to grow up.
41
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Baby, wait!
42
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Fuck!
43
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I'm sorry, Willoughby,
44
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but that was pathetic,
even for you--
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Wrong room, dickhead.
46
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Oh, fuck me.
47
00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,630
So, are you gonna
tell us who you are
48
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or does someone need to jam
a foot up your pee-hole?
49
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Oh! Aren't you charming?
Now, would you mind telling me,
50
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when are you expecting
Niles Caulder back?
51
00:04:24,940 --> 00:04:26,676
- Well--
- Look, lady.
52
00:04:26,776 --> 00:04:28,377
- You're in our house...
- Mmm-hmm.
53
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-...wearing our clothes
and drinking our tea.
- Yeah.
54
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Now, answer our questions.
55
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Then maybe we could
talk about Niles.
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- How were you made?
- Excuse me?
57
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Is that aluminum?
You know, how does it...
How does it stick to your face?
58
00:04:42,992 --> 00:04:44,827
Uh, that is his face.
59
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That is his face!
Wow, okay.
60
00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:50,733
- Stop doing that!
- Okay, in a minute. Whoa!
61
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- It's fascinating.
- How long have you been
in our house?
62
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Well, long enough
to see Bandages over here
63
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play dress-up
with your dead bodies.
64
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No!
The fuck?
65
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I was at a low point
and wasn't making
great decisions, okay?
66
00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:08,751
Okay, tell me, why are you all
scratching like circus animals?
67
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:12,188
Your name, now. Or I'm
dragging your ass out of here.
68
00:05:12,254 --> 00:05:15,091
Okay, well...
I'm not being coy. Um...
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The truth is,
I can't remember.
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00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,496
- Why are you looking for Chief?
- Can't remember that either.
71
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But when I think of him,
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I am filled with
an overwhelming
and immediate urge
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to punch him in the face.
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- That's him.
- Yup.
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- Word.
- Sounds about right.
76
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But here's what I do know.
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I seem to have traveled here
via a sort of
a time-travel capsule.
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Ugh...
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00:05:36,946 --> 00:05:40,049
As a result, I have a moderate
to more-than-moderate degree
of memory loss.
80
00:05:40,116 --> 00:05:43,619
And that I need to find
a certain Niles Caulder.
81
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Bullshit!
82
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,022
There's no such thing
as time travel.
83
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'Cause if there was,
a certain sixth grade assbag
named Jimmy Decker
84
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would've never pulled
my pants down in assembly.
85
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And I never would've had
the nickname "Cheeto Dick"
for six years.
86
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That's what you would
go back in time and fix?
87
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Fuck yeah! But like I said,
time travel doesn't exist.
88
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You were saying?
89
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What year
did you come from?
90
00:06:23,793 --> 00:06:25,628
Um...
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If you saw us dead,
that means that you were here
at least since yesterday.
92
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- Hey, Rita?
- Hmm?
93
00:06:37,573 --> 00:06:39,575
When did your super-secret
alarm thing go off?
94
00:06:39,642 --> 00:06:44,113
Uh, the day before we went to
Codsville, I think, ahem.
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Which you
completely ignored.
96
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:49,618
Well,
the important thing is...
Oh, shut up.
97
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She's here now,
isn't she?
98
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Right, yes. And now
it's time for you all
to answer my questions,
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00:06:54,523 --> 00:06:56,759
starting with,
"Where is Niles Caulder?"
100
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He's deader than shit.
God damn,
I love saying that.
101
00:07:07,503 --> 00:07:08,704
I see. How long?
102
00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:09,939
About two weeks.
103
00:07:10,005 --> 00:07:11,340
Two weeks. Right.
104
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,042
Well, then I shall just
time-travel back to then.
105
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Then. You can do that?
And actually talk to him?
106
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It's a time machine, dear.
So I can, you know, travel back
107
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and have a wee chat
with Adam and Eve,
if I want to.
108
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Mmm, I don't know.
Things were a little hairy
around here two weeks ago.
109
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Kaiju candle-demon on
the loose. You might wanna
go back a little further.
110
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Right. Well, I shall
go back three weeks, then.
111
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Ooh, yeah.
112
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This place was lousy
with sex ghosts around then.
I don't recommend it.
113
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- True.
That's right.
114
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- Well, four weeks?
No, no, no.
115
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Okay. Well, how about five?
116
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Seven? What about seven?
Give me seven.
117
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Anyone for seven?
You want to give me seven?
118
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- Seven, anybody?
- I think you're good.
119
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Good, all righty.
Bon voyage!
120
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Send Chief our love.
121
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Tell him I said...
He'll know what it means.
122
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Okay, well, this is goodbye
and has been a truly
infuriating experience.
123
00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:13,435
And I only hope that
in your time of need,
you will be met one day
124
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:18,607
with the same ineptitude
and uselessness which
you have shown me here today.
125
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So, I bid you adieu.
126
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Peace. God.
127
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Come on, come on.
Let's go.
128
00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:35,624
Come on, come on.
129
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Who's good with machines?
130
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Lady, I only knew time travel
existed ten minutes ago.
131
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Mmm-hmm.
132
00:08:47,770 --> 00:08:49,972
Oh! Thank you.
133
00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:51,307
I can't fix your machine.
134
00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:54,777
No. Well, not with
that attitude, you can't.
135
00:08:54,877 --> 00:08:55,811
What about Cliff?
136
00:08:57,212 --> 00:08:59,381
He knows everything
about fixing cars.
137
00:08:59,448 --> 00:09:03,619
Oh, I know more than
everything. Thing is, I don't
give a shit about any of this.
138
00:09:03,719 --> 00:09:06,655
So you kids have a party.
I'm out of here.
139
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:10,125
Wait. We're just gonna
let some crazy lady
stay in our house
140
00:09:10,225 --> 00:09:12,628
and put her crazy lady fingers
on all our stuff?
141
00:09:12,728 --> 00:09:16,599
Because there's nothing weird
about some nutball
traveling through time
142
00:09:16,665 --> 00:09:18,000
to see Chief?
143
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,835
Yup.
Pretty much, yeah.
144
00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:22,304
We've got our own crap
to take care of, remember?
145
00:09:22,404 --> 00:09:26,075
We agreed to get help
with our shit?
146
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:32,081
- You were serious about that?
- Yup. You should be too.
147
00:09:32,147 --> 00:09:35,284
Well, you should
mind your own fucking business.
148
00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:40,689
Okay, right. Um, you.
Take me to this secret alarm.
149
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,358
I would like to
have a look at it.
150
00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:44,860
- I would be happy--
- No.
151
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,462
Oh, God.
152
00:09:47,596 --> 00:09:48,497
Oh, God!
153
00:09:49,832 --> 00:09:50,933
Shall we?
154
00:09:52,434 --> 00:09:54,970
Okay. Well, I'll be back to
check on your work later.
155
00:09:55,037 --> 00:09:56,005
Oh, I'm not...
156
00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,058
Oh, God.
157
00:10:18,627 --> 00:10:21,230
Oh, God.
158
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,399
Well, first, my leg
started fucking up.
159
00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:26,001
Then my hands started
shaking like fucking Jell-O.
160
00:10:26,068 --> 00:10:28,570
I thought that it was just
shitty craftsmanship
161
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:30,572
by the shitty scientist
that built my body.
162
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:33,075
But then my buddy Cyborg
scanned my shit and said
163
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:34,910
it might be my brain
that's fucked.
164
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,646
Cyborg's not really my buddy.
I don't know why
I just said that.
165
00:10:37,713 --> 00:10:39,715
He's more like this
lesser version of me
who lives in my house.
166
00:10:39,815 --> 00:10:42,651
Anyhoo, my daughter-in-law
thinks I might have
Parkinson's.
167
00:10:42,718 --> 00:10:45,421
But she's not a doctor.
She's a graphic designer.
168
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:48,157
But you're a doctor.
So what do you think?
169
00:10:52,227 --> 00:10:54,530
Goddamn TikTokers.
I don't have time for this.
170
00:10:55,731 --> 00:10:56,732
Hmph, okay.
171
00:11:15,117 --> 00:11:16,018
Fuck it.
172
00:11:35,537 --> 00:11:36,438
Shit!
173
00:11:40,042 --> 00:11:42,578
What the hell?
174
00:11:42,644 --> 00:11:45,814
Which of Niles'
nonsense are you
mixed up in now?
175
00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:48,317
It's a time machine.
176
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:50,753
And for some reason,
I've been tasked
with fixing it.
177
00:11:50,819 --> 00:11:53,222
Also, it's not Niles.
178
00:11:53,288 --> 00:11:55,057
I hope you didn't
ask me here to help.
179
00:11:55,124 --> 00:11:58,560
Time travel's fringe,
experimental, dangerous.
180
00:11:58,627 --> 00:12:02,264
Few human trials that I know of
have led to neurological damage
and memory loss.
181
00:12:02,331 --> 00:12:06,502
Fringe and experimental?
As opposed to the body tech
which was thoroughly vetted
182
00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,337
before you put it in my body?
183
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:09,905
I did it to save your life.
184
00:12:09,972 --> 00:12:12,074
And if I'm not mistaken,
it seems to have
worked out okay.
185
00:12:12,141 --> 00:12:14,977
Alive and okay
aren't the same thing.
You know that, right?
186
00:12:15,077 --> 00:12:18,013
Maybe you'd have
more body positivity
if you'd made better choices
187
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:19,581
for how you used your tech--
188
00:12:19,648 --> 00:12:21,517
I didn't choose
to put this in my body.
You did.
189
00:12:22,684 --> 00:12:24,419
What's going on here, Vic?
190
00:12:24,486 --> 00:12:26,021
Where's this coming from?
191
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,123
I've just been
wondering, is all,
192
00:12:28,190 --> 00:12:32,494
if there was another choice,
if body tech was the only way
to save my life.
193
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:39,935
Okay, let's talk about choice.
194
00:12:40,002 --> 00:12:42,871
Like your choice
to abet Roni Evers
in evading authorities,
195
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:45,040
a choice that cost me my job.
196
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:46,041
What?
197
00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:49,711
Technically, I'm on
administrative leave.
198
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:51,547
- But it's not looking good.
- But that's not fair!
199
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:53,215
You had nothing to do with.
200
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:55,884
You used S.T.A.R. Labs tech
I designed to help a murderer!
201
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:58,187
But she's not
a bad person, Dad!
202
00:12:58,287 --> 00:13:01,824
If you know what she
went through, you'd understand
where she's coming from.
203
00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:04,526
She deserved a second chance,
and I gave her one.
204
00:13:08,697 --> 00:13:09,965
So that's it?
205
00:13:10,032 --> 00:13:12,968
You take zero responsibility
for your actions?
206
00:13:13,035 --> 00:13:15,537
I can't believe I'd ever feel
this disappointed in you, son.
207
00:13:16,972 --> 00:13:17,873
But here we are.
208
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,812
Do you want to know
why I asked you over?
209
00:13:26,715 --> 00:13:28,083
Two days ago, I died.
210
00:13:28,650 --> 00:13:29,918
What?
211
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,720
I went to the afterlife
and I talked to Mom.
212
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:33,388
Oh...
213
00:13:33,488 --> 00:13:35,257
Finally happened.
214
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,392
You've been hanging around
these nuts so long,
you done lost your mind.
215
00:13:37,492 --> 00:13:39,895
No. She told me that
there was another way
you could have saved me.
216
00:13:39,995 --> 00:13:43,065
Yeah. And I want to know
what it was.
217
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,435
Was there another way or not?
218
00:13:49,571 --> 00:13:50,539
Well...
219
00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:54,910
We had, uh,
developed a prototype
220
00:13:56,245 --> 00:13:57,279
for synthetic skin.
221
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:58,780
Oh, God.
222
00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:03,185
So, I could've looked normal.
223
00:14:03,252 --> 00:14:05,554
- It was still very--
- Experimental.
224
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,457
Like the cyber tech?
225
00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:09,524
Just like this?
226
00:14:10,859 --> 00:14:12,628
Why would you do this to me?
227
00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:17,532
You couldn't do human trials,
so you used your own son
as a guinea pig?
228
00:14:17,599 --> 00:14:18,734
Is that what this is?
229
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,703
I cannot keep
explaining myself.
230
00:14:21,770 --> 00:14:22,905
You can't or you won't?
231
00:14:22,971 --> 00:14:27,042
Everything I did
was to protect you.
232
00:14:27,109 --> 00:14:29,978
I don't care what you hear
or who you talk to.
233
00:14:31,613 --> 00:14:32,981
It won't change that.
234
00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:49,731
I must apologize
for my housemates'
less-than-warm welcome.
235
00:14:49,798 --> 00:14:54,002
It's just, most of them
are trying to move on
from Niles Caulder,
236
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:58,607
so a mysterious stranger
dredging him back up
was probably a bit triggering.
237
00:14:58,674 --> 00:15:00,342
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
238
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,010
Was he a bad man?
239
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,512
Yes.
240
00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:04,646
And no.
241
00:15:06,248 --> 00:15:07,950
He was a complicated person.
242
00:15:08,016 --> 00:15:09,651
Yes. Well, aren't we all?
243
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,023
Oh, shitting hell!
244
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,659
Perhaps it was
completely pointless
coming here.
245
00:15:17,759 --> 00:15:20,662
Well, how can you possibly
know what to look for
246
00:15:20,762 --> 00:15:22,197
when you don't know
what you're looking for?
247
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:25,801
Well, the mind may forget,
but the gut may not.
248
00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:27,936
It is the elephant of the body,
249
00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:32,207
and it will tell me
when I am onto something.
250
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,877
It just occurred to me
that I... I don't know
what to call you.
251
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,279
Well, that makes two of us.
252
00:15:38,947 --> 00:15:40,849
What about Shannon?
253
00:15:40,949 --> 00:15:43,151
I have always liked that name.
254
00:15:43,218 --> 00:15:45,620
Very well, Shannon it is.
255
00:15:45,687 --> 00:15:48,790
Why don't you tell me,
um, what your name is?
256
00:15:48,857 --> 00:15:51,226
It's Rita. Rita Farr.
257
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,195
Ah, well, Rita.
258
00:15:53,295 --> 00:15:56,665
I don't know why you have
attached yourself to me
like a black-legged tick,
259
00:15:56,732 --> 00:15:59,401
but it is distracting
and quite bothersome.
260
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:03,805
And I don't mean to be unkind,
but it's really annoying!
261
00:16:03,872 --> 00:16:06,975
Oh, I didn't mean to be
any of those things.
262
00:16:07,042 --> 00:16:08,543
Do you have a question for me,
263
00:16:08,643 --> 00:16:13,081
or is your neediness some
kind of holistic condition?
264
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,083
Actually, I do.
265
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:16,918
Do I look at all
familiar to you?
266
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:21,423
My body elephant
has the strongest feeling
that we know each other.
267
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:24,526
No one looks familiar to me,
not even me.
268
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:27,362
Or do you...
Do you not know
how amnesia works?
269
00:16:27,429 --> 00:16:33,068
Maybe try taking
a nice long look
at me for a minute.
270
00:16:33,168 --> 00:16:36,538
Maybe it'll help
jog something loose.
Hmm?
271
00:16:45,013 --> 00:16:48,583
Oh, you got schmutz
on your face there.
272
00:16:52,587 --> 00:16:53,922
Ah!
273
00:17:00,796 --> 00:17:02,264
Hot dog!
274
00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:14,443
Okay.
275
00:17:24,719 --> 00:17:26,788
That's the stuff.
276
00:17:31,126 --> 00:17:32,060
Wow.
277
00:17:34,463 --> 00:17:35,497
Ugh!
278
00:17:39,668 --> 00:17:41,336
Whatcha doing?
279
00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:43,839
Playing Frisbee golf.
What does it
look like, dipshit?
280
00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:46,007
Uh...
281
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,610
Like you're making
creepy Bob Ross fan art.
282
00:17:48,677 --> 00:17:51,513
You made me feel like shit
for not honoring
our stupid pact or whatever,
283
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:56,084
so I tried making something
out of my pain,
like Abuelita told me to.
284
00:17:56,151 --> 00:17:57,419
But it didn't work.
285
00:17:57,486 --> 00:17:59,421
And now I feel like
an even bigger dick,
286
00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:03,992
so I'm going to get
high as fuck
and then light it on fire.
287
00:18:04,092 --> 00:18:06,461
- Wanna watch?
- Definitely.
288
00:18:06,528 --> 00:18:10,699
Only... maybe before
you flick your Bic,
289
00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:15,103
you might wanna, I don't know,
try talking to creepy Bob Ross.
290
00:18:15,170 --> 00:18:17,372
- About what?
- Whatever you want.
291
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:21,209
Maybe saying some shit you
didn't get to before he died
will give you some closure.
292
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:23,845
Who crawled up your ass
and made you Dr. Phil?
293
00:18:23,945 --> 00:18:27,215
When we were in the afterlife,
I got to tell off
my asshole dad,
294
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,884
and it felt awesome!
295
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:32,721
I'm talking top ten
best moments of my life,
or afterlife.
296
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,856
At least it was great
till he shoved his
297
00:18:34,956 --> 00:18:37,025
"Grandpa of the Year" mug
up my butt.
298
00:18:37,726 --> 00:18:39,161
Not literally.
299
00:18:39,227 --> 00:18:42,564
And I got to tell Niles
to suck a bucket of vaginas,
300
00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:45,066
which also squeaks
into my top ten.
301
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,368
Wait, when did that happen?
302
00:18:46,468 --> 00:18:47,736
Oh, uh...
303
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,971
Probably about, ooh,
sometime after he died.
304
00:18:50,038 --> 00:18:53,909
He was a ghost, and he
wanted me to burn his body
so his soul could be at peace.
305
00:18:54,009 --> 00:18:56,511
But I didn't do it
because fuck him.
306
00:18:56,578 --> 00:18:57,879
So I could've
talked to him?
307
00:18:57,979 --> 00:19:00,348
That's what I'm saying!
You still can.
308
00:19:12,060 --> 00:19:14,696
I'm sorry it has
to end this way, old friends.
309
00:19:16,164 --> 00:19:18,900
I'd like to think
you'll do well out here.
310
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,570
But my guess is, you'll be dead
a week after I am.
311
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,840
I'm in crisis, Larry,
and I need a sympathetic ear.
312
00:19:25,907 --> 00:19:28,276
Uh, not really
a good time, okay?
313
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:30,378
There was another me
at Codsville.
314
00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:35,417
How do you mean?
315
00:19:35,517 --> 00:19:39,020
I mean, there was another me.
As in, instead of
just one of me,
316
00:19:39,087 --> 00:19:40,789
there were two.
317
00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:43,792
It happened right after that
ghastly red creature
started shooting.
318
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,294
I almost escaped, when "she"
319
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:49,464
shoved me back
into the lounge.
320
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:52,200
What's more is,
she was wearing
the exact same flight suit
321
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:54,035
I found in Shannon's
time machine.
322
00:19:54,102 --> 00:19:57,472
- Who's Shannon?
- Our mysterious time traveler.
323
00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,640
It's what
we're calling her now.
324
00:19:58,740 --> 00:19:59,975
She remembered her name?
325
00:20:00,075 --> 00:20:01,943
No. It's just
what we're calling her.
326
00:20:02,043 --> 00:20:03,645
Please, Larry,
try to stay focused.
327
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,313
- And if that weren't enough,
328
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,582
there's that strange creature
in the afterlife
329
00:20:07,649 --> 00:20:10,885
who not only seemed to know me,
but to like me.
330
00:20:10,952 --> 00:20:15,323
But I couldn't get any answers
or even a little common
courtesy out of Shannon,
331
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:19,294
so I am left
to put the pieces together
on my own.
332
00:20:19,394 --> 00:20:22,330
But what does it all mean?
333
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,066
I mean, the two seem
unrelated to me.
334
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:28,737
Ha! Larry...
335
00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:32,340
What if I'm a world-renowned
time traveler?
336
00:20:34,409 --> 00:20:35,610
Uh, look,
337
00:20:35,677 --> 00:20:37,512
after all the weird crap
we've been through,
338
00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,614
I can buy
the time traveler piece.
339
00:20:39,681 --> 00:20:41,616
But where do you get
"world-renowned"?
340
00:20:41,683 --> 00:20:46,087
Since I am one of two
known time travelers,
341
00:20:46,154 --> 00:20:48,590
one could extrapolate
my elevated status.
342
00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:50,125
Or maybe
you're trying to find
343
00:20:50,191 --> 00:20:53,161
some specialness inside you
that isn't really there.
344
00:20:57,032 --> 00:20:58,700
Now, how could you
say that to me?
345
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,808
I'm dying, Rita.
346
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:11,279
- Again?
- Yeah.
347
00:21:11,346 --> 00:21:12,814
What's happening?
348
00:21:12,881 --> 00:21:15,617
I've been puking up
blue crap all morning.
349
00:21:15,684 --> 00:21:16,885
Since I don't eat or drink,
350
00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,520
I don't think
that's a good sign.
351
00:21:19,554 --> 00:21:21,156
Oh, Larry.
352
00:21:21,222 --> 00:21:24,125
Yeah, apparently,
life without the spirit
has its limits.
353
00:21:24,192 --> 00:21:27,028
I think that's why
he brought me into space,
354
00:21:27,128 --> 00:21:28,963
so I could see it
one last time.
355
00:21:30,565 --> 00:21:31,399
Anyway.
356
00:21:33,835 --> 00:21:37,539
I love you too much
to not be honest
during my last days.
357
00:21:41,242 --> 00:21:43,812
Now, you see here,
Larry Trainor, I...
358
00:21:45,046 --> 00:21:46,581
What's on your bandages?
359
00:21:52,420 --> 00:21:54,055
Ugh!
360
00:21:54,155 --> 00:21:56,891
What fresh hell is this? Oh!
361
00:21:56,991 --> 00:22:01,429
You know,
you... smell delicious.
362
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:04,599
Do you have ham in your pocket
or something?
363
00:22:04,699 --> 00:22:07,035
Um, not that I'm aware of, no.
364
00:22:08,870 --> 00:22:13,375
- Uh... Did, um...
Did you just lick me?
365
00:22:16,678 --> 00:22:18,780
Oh, I...
I have no idea.
366
00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:32,794
Doesn't ring a bell.
367
00:22:32,894 --> 00:22:35,196
"Woman petting cat."
368
00:22:36,197 --> 00:22:37,031
Well?
369
00:22:48,943 --> 00:22:50,412
Not a flicker.
370
00:23:38,693 --> 00:23:40,161
Larry!
371
00:23:40,795 --> 00:23:41,796
Rita...
372
00:24:33,715 --> 00:24:35,216
My body elephant!
373
00:24:37,018 --> 00:24:40,421
I'm telling you,
this is that crazy spider
lady's puke or something.
374
00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:42,090
It's like a curse!
375
00:24:43,324 --> 00:24:45,760
Bless you. Oh, my fuck!
376
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:53,935
I don't feel so good.
377
00:24:54,035 --> 00:24:55,670
You don't look great either.
378
00:24:56,771 --> 00:24:58,673
Jane? Jane?
379
00:25:10,385 --> 00:25:11,786
Oh!
380
00:25:52,727 --> 00:25:53,928
Oh.
381
00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:03,071
Oh. Everybody...
382
00:26:03,137 --> 00:26:06,407
Everybody, come,
I know who I am!
383
00:26:06,474 --> 00:26:08,176
I'm a bird!
384
00:26:08,276 --> 00:26:10,912
And I can fly... I think.
385
00:26:13,348 --> 00:26:15,650
Brains!
386
00:26:16,317 --> 00:26:17,919
Brains!
387
00:26:26,861 --> 00:26:28,262
Brains?
388
00:26:32,166 --> 00:26:34,302
What happened
to you morons this time?
389
00:26:34,369 --> 00:26:37,772
Brains.
390
00:26:40,041 --> 00:26:41,709
Are you the one
who zombified these tits?
391
00:26:41,809 --> 00:26:44,946
I don't think so.
I couldn't swear to it, though.
392
00:26:45,013 --> 00:26:46,280
- Who's she?
393
00:26:55,990 --> 00:26:59,460
Uh-huh. Okay.
Um, could somebody tell me
what's going on here?
394
00:26:59,527 --> 00:27:02,163
-'Cause I'm...
- What happened to you lot?
395
00:27:14,876 --> 00:27:18,079
Sure thing. I need an axe,
gallon of petrol and a match.
396
00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:23,084
Got it in one, Bubba Ho-tep.
397
00:27:31,693 --> 00:27:34,562
Find me a VCR in this pit,
and all will be explained.
398
00:27:36,497 --> 00:27:39,901
Brains.
399
00:27:49,677 --> 00:27:52,113
Is that Niles Caulder?
400
00:27:52,213 --> 00:27:55,049
More or less. Shorter than
you imagined, I bet.
401
00:27:57,618 --> 00:27:58,686
You're funny.
402
00:28:00,421 --> 00:28:04,459
Listen up, freaks. I got your
dead leader's head.
403
00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:08,129
If you want it back,
you'll come and see me.
404
00:28:08,229 --> 00:28:14,368
But don't keep me waiting
or I will make him pay for it!
405
00:28:20,441 --> 00:28:24,412
Don't do it.
Don't come here.
Save yourselves!
406
00:28:29,050 --> 00:28:30,151
I'll see you real soon.
407
00:28:38,793 --> 00:28:40,795
I had Niles' head first.
408
00:28:40,895 --> 00:28:42,930
Darren stole it off me.
Took my coat too.
409
00:28:45,566 --> 00:28:47,502
Calm your festering arses down.
410
00:28:47,602 --> 00:28:49,971
Do you know how much
arcane mystical knowledge
411
00:28:50,071 --> 00:28:51,806
is swimming around
in that man's noodle?
412
00:28:51,906 --> 00:28:54,175
Better I have it
than some other crazy bastard.
413
00:28:54,275 --> 00:28:55,910
Oh, right.
414
00:28:55,977 --> 00:28:59,614
- So you pilfered it
in order to protect it?
- That's right.
415
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:04,285
Not because
its inherent magical value
would fetch a fine price?
416
00:29:04,352 --> 00:29:05,753
I'm sorry, who the fuck
are you again?
417
00:29:05,820 --> 00:29:09,023
I'm a bird. And my name
is Laura De Mille.
418
00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:12,260
And that head may be the key
to unlocking my memory,
419
00:29:12,326 --> 00:29:14,128
so we have to rescue it.
420
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,441
I did have a plan.
421
00:29:27,508 --> 00:29:28,810
A bloody good one.
422
00:29:28,876 --> 00:29:31,712
But as per usual,
your dumbfuckery
423
00:29:31,813 --> 00:29:35,516
jammed a spanner up my arse
and now you're zombies.
424
00:29:35,616 --> 00:29:38,119
Is it too much to ask
for you twats
425
00:29:38,186 --> 00:29:40,721
not to fuck yourselves up
so spectacularly?
426
00:29:40,822 --> 00:29:43,324
Well, I may have an idea there.
427
00:29:43,391 --> 00:29:45,393
We just need to keep
this undead brood
428
00:29:45,493 --> 00:29:49,564
from feasting on our brains
till we put it into action.
429
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:54,368
Got it covered, love.
430
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:04,011
This was in James Dean's car
the night he bit it.
431
00:30:04,078 --> 00:30:06,080
It covers the smell of brains.
432
00:30:06,180 --> 00:30:08,349
And the, um... And the hats?
433
00:30:08,416 --> 00:30:11,152
Keep our heads warm.
It's cold without my coat.
434
00:30:12,553 --> 00:30:13,554
Yeah.
435
00:30:31,606 --> 00:30:32,673
Come on.
436
00:30:43,084 --> 00:30:45,119
Look, you muppets.
Delicious brains.
437
00:30:45,219 --> 00:30:47,221
- Yummy, yummy.
- Brains!
438
00:30:47,288 --> 00:30:49,223
Brains!
439
00:31:19,820 --> 00:31:22,323
Look, I don't know you.
440
00:31:22,423 --> 00:31:24,558
And I'm not sure this plan's
going to work.
441
00:31:25,393 --> 00:31:27,428
But fuck it. Here.
442
00:31:33,234 --> 00:31:35,436
Be very careful with that.
443
00:31:35,503 --> 00:31:37,271
- It's petrified dragon's piss.
- Mmm-hmm.
444
00:31:37,338 --> 00:31:40,141
Most people worry
about the fire, but it's
the piss that'll get you.
445
00:31:40,241 --> 00:31:42,810
Should pop his head
like a balloon.
446
00:31:42,910 --> 00:31:44,011
See you on the other side.
447
00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:52,486
This way, Solomons Grundy.
448
00:32:23,484 --> 00:32:25,119
There you are, my beauty.
449
00:32:40,201 --> 00:32:42,570
He kept a serial killer diary.
450
00:32:45,373 --> 00:32:49,043
I thought
I smelled abominations.
451
00:32:49,143 --> 00:32:50,311
Brains?
452
00:32:54,582 --> 00:32:57,251
I'm so glad you
sons of bitches are here.
453
00:32:57,351 --> 00:32:59,153
I got one hell of a tale
to tell you.
454
00:32:59,220 --> 00:33:01,689
It's about a man who was
on top of the world...
455
00:33:04,091 --> 00:33:06,694
He had it all. A career,
456
00:33:06,761 --> 00:33:09,263
a beautiful wife and children,
457
00:33:09,363 --> 00:33:13,067
a home that would make
Martha Stewart shit through
her mouth with jealousy.
458
00:33:18,039 --> 00:33:19,673
Shut up, freaks!
459
00:33:19,740 --> 00:33:23,778
You destroyed my life,
and God damn it,
you will listen to me!
460
00:33:23,878 --> 00:33:25,279
Okay, this is...
This is good.
461
00:33:25,379 --> 00:33:28,582
You've a mission
and a plan, and...
462
00:33:29,383 --> 00:33:30,718
And you're a bird.
463
00:33:30,785 --> 00:33:32,787
So you've learned so much
about yourself already,
464
00:33:32,887 --> 00:33:34,789
you are almost there.
465
00:33:34,889 --> 00:33:39,927
You are going to, uh,
fly down there
466
00:33:40,027 --> 00:33:44,965
like you have surely
done a thousand times before
467
00:33:45,066 --> 00:33:50,071
and, uh, place this magical,
disgusting doodad thing
468
00:33:50,137 --> 00:33:52,807
on that psychopath's head.
469
00:33:54,208 --> 00:33:57,044
Okay.
470
00:34:01,082 --> 00:34:02,650
Transform!
471
00:34:06,487 --> 00:34:09,490
You probably haven't
thought twice about your
little visit to the Ant Farm,
472
00:34:09,590 --> 00:34:13,494
but it has haunted me
every second
of every day since.
473
00:34:13,594 --> 00:34:19,633
Do you have any idea
what it's like to be attacked
by hundreds of butts,
474
00:34:19,733 --> 00:34:22,470
who tear into
every inch of your flesh,
475
00:34:22,570 --> 00:34:25,272
and then later, at dinner,
476
00:34:26,307 --> 00:34:27,341
at church,
477
00:34:29,410 --> 00:34:31,178
at my daughter's softball game,
478
00:34:32,746 --> 00:34:34,115
something happens.
479
00:34:36,951 --> 00:34:39,820
And then your wife tells you
she can't stand you,
480
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:41,589
that you're not even
a man anymore.
481
00:34:45,126 --> 00:34:47,962
- I'm sorry, what?
- She wants to see the head.
482
00:34:48,796 --> 00:34:49,797
Oh.
483
00:34:58,873 --> 00:35:01,876
My God,
what's happened to you?
484
00:35:01,976 --> 00:35:03,677
They're zombies, you berk.
485
00:35:04,378 --> 00:35:06,547
Transform!
486
00:35:06,647 --> 00:35:09,383
Trans... Damn you!
Damn it. Trans...
487
00:35:15,990 --> 00:35:17,291
Fuck me, it's a dud.
488
00:35:19,660 --> 00:35:22,730
I am gonna kill you all
so fucking hard!
489
00:35:22,830 --> 00:35:24,965
Fuck off hard.
You were gonna try that anyway.
490
00:35:33,307 --> 00:35:35,209
You know, usually
when I tell that story
491
00:35:35,309 --> 00:35:37,912
right when I come to the
"something happens" part,
492
00:35:38,012 --> 00:35:40,681
somebody usually asks me
what made my wife leave.
493
00:35:47,521 --> 00:35:49,657
Come on!
494
00:35:49,723 --> 00:35:52,493
Eh, fuck it.
What happened?
495
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:54,728
I'm so glad you asked.
496
00:36:22,456 --> 00:36:25,960
Good shitting Christ,
we're all the way
through the looking glass now.
497
00:36:38,739 --> 00:36:39,773
Shit!
498
00:36:48,048 --> 00:36:49,483
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
499
00:36:50,484 --> 00:36:51,552
♪ Yeah! ♪
500
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:58,158
♪ Yeah, there's some stuff
That I really wanna do ♪
501
00:36:58,259 --> 00:37:02,396
♪ Yeah, badass people
I wanna show you ♪
502
00:37:04,098 --> 00:37:08,135
♪ Oh, wait for it
Here it comes ♪
503
00:37:16,944 --> 00:37:20,014
Ignore the butts.
Ignore the, um... The zombies.
504
00:37:20,981 --> 00:37:22,583
Hey, yeah.
505
00:37:22,650 --> 00:37:25,286
You're here for the head.
The head.
And you will get the head.
506
00:37:25,352 --> 00:37:27,588
There is no failure,
only death.
507
00:37:27,655 --> 00:37:32,359
And you will
not die today, sister!
508
00:37:33,294 --> 00:37:34,828
Fuck you, asshole!
509
00:37:37,698 --> 00:37:38,699
Fuck!
510
00:38:26,180 --> 00:38:27,381
Don't worry, Tweety.
511
00:38:27,481 --> 00:38:29,383
You'll get your
seven minutes in heaven.
512
00:38:38,192 --> 00:38:39,827
Brains!
513
00:38:39,893 --> 00:38:40,994
- Oops.
- Leg it.
514
00:38:48,335 --> 00:38:52,106
...them?
515
00:38:52,206 --> 00:38:53,507
- Fuck 'em.
- What?
516
00:38:53,574 --> 00:38:56,176
Wait, I can save them.
517
00:38:56,243 --> 00:38:58,178
You bleeding heart bastard.
518
00:38:58,245 --> 00:39:00,514
Now's as good a time
as any to cut the cord.
519
00:39:00,581 --> 00:39:02,683
Like you did
with my daughter?
520
00:39:02,750 --> 00:39:03,684
Oh.
521
00:39:05,219 --> 00:39:07,521
Damn, you sentimental fool.
522
00:39:10,224 --> 00:39:13,727
All right, Walt Disney,
what's the plan?
523
00:39:13,794 --> 00:39:17,898
Years ago,
I discovered that zombies
crave human brains
524
00:39:17,965 --> 00:39:21,235
because the brain produces
a rare chemical
525
00:39:21,301 --> 00:39:24,371
that can actually
cure the affliction.
526
00:39:24,438 --> 00:39:27,374
Unfortunately, the truth
was bastardized by filmmakers
527
00:39:27,441 --> 00:39:30,477
who believed it made
for better cinema.
528
00:39:30,577 --> 00:39:33,313
Thanks for the history lesson,
but my head guy in Paris
529
00:39:33,414 --> 00:39:36,917
isn't taking my calls
at the moment,
so I have no idea on--
530
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,322
Huh.
531
00:39:42,423 --> 00:39:46,293
You want me to feed you
to that pack of morons?
532
00:39:47,928 --> 00:39:50,164
They're my family.
533
00:39:50,264 --> 00:39:52,232
It's all I have left
to give them.
534
00:39:54,802 --> 00:39:57,905
Fine. Thing of it is...
535
00:40:01,442 --> 00:40:03,410
I don't think I can.
536
00:40:03,477 --> 00:40:08,649
Um, well, that's okay,
I'll... I'll take care of him.
537
00:40:20,627 --> 00:40:22,763
We've had some times,
haven't we?
538
00:40:22,830 --> 00:40:24,698
The best of them.
539
00:40:24,798 --> 00:40:27,000
So long, you bearded twat.
540
00:40:27,100 --> 00:40:28,368
Hope they choke on you.
541
00:40:29,303 --> 00:40:30,537
Goodbye, Willoughby.
542
00:40:35,976 --> 00:40:37,811
Baphomet really does love you.
543
00:40:39,847 --> 00:40:41,715
Stop trying to smother her.
544
00:40:53,527 --> 00:40:55,362
Mr. Caulder,
545
00:40:55,462 --> 00:41:02,169
I am so sorry to ask anything
of you at a time like this,
546
00:41:02,236 --> 00:41:04,571
but I am in some need.
547
00:41:04,671 --> 00:41:07,374
I know my name
is Laura De Mille,
548
00:41:07,474 --> 00:41:10,978
and that I am associated
with the Sisterhood of Dada
549
00:41:11,044 --> 00:41:15,649
and that I am a bird
and an ottoman.
550
00:41:15,716 --> 00:41:19,987
The only other thing
that I am aware of
is that I need to find you,
551
00:41:20,053 --> 00:41:22,389
but I have no idea why.
552
00:41:22,489 --> 00:41:25,659
- Do you know me?
-I know you.
553
00:41:25,726 --> 00:41:28,495
All too well, I'm afraid.
554
00:41:28,562 --> 00:41:30,097
Oh, I see.
555
00:41:30,197 --> 00:41:33,000
Well, I gather we weren't
on friendly terms, then?
556
00:41:33,767 --> 00:41:35,435
Can you tell me why?
557
00:41:35,536 --> 00:41:37,337
-No.
- No?
558
00:41:37,404 --> 00:41:39,072
You heard me.
559
00:41:39,172 --> 00:41:41,074
Yes, I... I heard you.
560
00:41:42,342 --> 00:41:44,912
- But why?
-I'll make you a deal.
561
00:41:45,012 --> 00:41:48,549
I have documents
with information about you.
562
00:41:48,615 --> 00:41:51,518
Give me your word that after
you feed my head to my people,
563
00:41:51,585 --> 00:41:54,021
you'll stay the hell
away from them,
564
00:41:54,087 --> 00:41:57,357
and I'll tell you
where the documents are.
565
00:41:57,424 --> 00:42:00,861
Though I must be
out of my mind to trust you.
566
00:42:02,896 --> 00:42:04,965
Mmm-hmm.
567
00:42:05,065 --> 00:42:09,102
You know, I do not understand
why you have
so much venom for me.
568
00:42:10,203 --> 00:42:11,572
I'm not a bad person.
569
00:42:13,140 --> 00:42:14,141
Am I?
570
00:42:16,076 --> 00:42:18,545
I don't feel like
I'm a bad person.
571
00:42:18,612 --> 00:42:23,584
Surely that's not
the kind of thing that can be
erased with one's memory.
572
00:42:23,650 --> 00:42:28,655
Deeds have a way of leaving
indelible marks on the soul.
573
00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:30,624
Do you agree or not?
574
00:42:35,596 --> 00:42:36,663
Uh...
575
00:42:49,843 --> 00:42:52,145
Brains!
576
00:43:09,830 --> 00:43:10,964
Oh, Jane.
577
00:43:11,932 --> 00:43:14,434
My dear, dear Jane.
578
00:43:42,162 --> 00:43:45,565
It's okay. I love you, Jane.
579
00:43:45,666 --> 00:43:47,534
I want you to eat me.
580
00:43:49,369 --> 00:43:50,570
Eat me.
581
00:43:51,838 --> 00:43:52,873
Eat me.
582
00:43:55,208 --> 00:43:56,309
Eat me.
583
00:43:57,844 --> 00:43:58,879
Eat--
584
00:44:37,884 --> 00:44:42,856
So, are we, like,
cannibals now?
585
00:44:42,923 --> 00:44:44,624
Shut the fuck up.
Don't.
586
00:44:46,893 --> 00:44:50,897
Technically, since 99.99999%
of my body is metal,
587
00:44:50,964 --> 00:44:54,201
I'd have to eat a Buick Skylark
to be a cannibal.
588
00:44:54,267 --> 00:44:55,769
Come on, man.
Stop saying that word.
589
00:44:55,869 --> 00:44:57,070
Please stop talking.
590
00:45:00,974 --> 00:45:03,043
Will someone at least
tell me what it tasted like?
591
00:45:03,110 --> 00:45:06,813
Enough already.
- I will stomp your brain
like a jelly-filled balloon.
592
00:45:09,082 --> 00:45:10,250
I will say this.
593
00:45:10,317 --> 00:45:12,953
The one upside
to being a zombie was
594
00:45:13,053 --> 00:45:16,156
the only thing
I worried about
was finding brains.
595
00:45:18,225 --> 00:45:21,595
It was sort of,
I don't know, peaceful.
596
00:45:23,163 --> 00:45:24,498
Anyone feel like that?
597
00:45:27,267 --> 00:45:29,169
Okay, just throwing it
out there.
598
00:45:34,808 --> 00:45:37,778
"Laura De Mille is a disloyal
599
00:45:37,844 --> 00:45:41,615
and self-serving cancer
to be excised.
600
00:45:43,450 --> 00:45:46,186
It is my strong recommendation
601
00:45:49,022 --> 00:45:51,358
that she be
terminated immediately."
602
00:46:42,008 --> 00:46:44,044
"Eat me."
603
00:46:48,515 --> 00:46:49,716
"Eat me!"
604
00:47:05,732 --> 00:47:06,900
What's this?
605
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:08,668
Online pharmacy?
606
00:47:10,570 --> 00:47:12,439
No prescription necessary.
607
00:47:13,206 --> 00:47:14,374
Fuck yeah!
608
00:47:27,888 --> 00:47:29,055
What the hell?
609
00:47:42,402 --> 00:47:43,803
My God!
610
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:54,281
God!
611
00:47:58,985 --> 00:48:00,120
Oh, shit.
612
00:48:33,653 --> 00:48:35,689
So, what happened
with Niles?
613
00:48:35,789 --> 00:48:38,658
Did he give you the answers
you were looking for?
614
00:48:38,758 --> 00:48:41,861
Will you be leaving us soon?
615
00:48:43,930 --> 00:48:45,532
Ugh, now see here, you.
616
00:48:45,632 --> 00:48:47,133
You are a guest in our home.
617
00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:50,303
And though you did help
save our bacon...
618
00:48:50,370 --> 00:48:54,040
it doesn't
give you the right
to ignore my questions.
619
00:48:54,140 --> 00:48:56,977
We know each other.
I am certain of it and...
620
00:49:03,216 --> 00:49:05,051
Perhaps this isn't a good time.
621
00:49:08,788 --> 00:49:12,559
Oh. I just made
some oatmeal cookies.
622
00:49:13,827 --> 00:49:15,028
Would you like one?
623
00:49:17,397 --> 00:49:18,665
That would be nice.
624
00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:21,501
Thank you.
625
00:50:28,034 --> 00:50:30,370
Brains!