Mr. Iglesias is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
So, you guys think you're ready for next week's final exam?
Final?
We made it!
This is the last exam we'll ever take!
Yes.
Until next year.
Remember, everything we learned this year might be on the test.
Oh, does that mean you promise not to include stuff I didn't learn?
Okay, everything you were supposed to learn might be on the test.
From all of American history?
Including the beginning stuff?
Well, no, not the actual beginning stuff.
Americans like to pretend no one was here when they arrived.
Good point, Wokeahontas.
Look, you guys are lucky.
America is less than 300 years old.
It's still a baby.
China, on the other hand, has over 5,000 years of history.
But it's easy to learn.
You don't have to remember life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
They just have life.
Ooh, and delicious scallion pancakes.
Huh! We good, China. We good.
Great. Now I want pancakes.
Oh, with Nutella and a whipped cream smiley face.
Oh, man.
- Mr. Iglesias? - Yes, Grace?
If you only had enough time for one,
would you study for finals or learn your lines for the play
you're about to perform in front of the entire school?
Wait, are people really gonna come to our stupid play?
Don't they have to study?
Yes, uh, those people do have to study.
And the people in this class have to study as well.
All right. Anybody have any history questions?
A friend of mine was wondering,
what should a 16-year-old do if his mom lost her license,
his dad's out of the picture, and he can't afford driving lessons?
And just keep in mind,
he lies awake at night dreaming of the open road.
I feel you.
I lie awake at night dreaming of those Nutella pancakes. What?
You know, it seems like you guys might have a little bit more on your minds
than just this test.
If you have any questions about history, it's gonna have to wait until tomorrow.
If any of you are struggling with something else in your life,
well, just stay after class, I'll see what I can do to help.
Oh, boy.
Woo!
What's up, Lorenzo?
My pops is freaking me out.
He's prepping for the end of the world.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be the calm voice of reason in the family?
Help me, man!
Look, I got something for you.
Here.
An eraser?
No, it's a borrador.
It's a calming artifact from the mystical mountains of Oaxaca.
Try it.
Hmm.
- Hey, I feel better already. - Hmm.
Thanks, Mr. Iglesias.
Ooh!
I'm having so much anxiety about not being in your class next year.
Grace, you're signed up for world studies.
I teach that.
Here.
Have a borrador.
My friend just feels like a driver's license would be so liberating.
Oh!
And could your friend
drive you and Lorenzo to the movies?
Maybe.
And does your friend have red hair?
Maybe.
Do you know my friend?
Maybe.
You know when you wanna tell someone something but don't know what they'll say,
and you're scared they'll take it the wrong way,
and that you'll have blown your chance, and ruin your life?
Which you'll spend regretting that you even brought it up in the first place?
You know, maybe you should just talk to Marisol?
Oh, that's not gonna be easy.
I don't know if you know this, I kind of have a thing for her.
No!
What if I bomb the play?
What if I start bombing everything? What if I bomb college?
It's a lot of pressure.
Maybe I should just do what most first-generation Latinas do, and
become a dental assistant.
It's a good job!
You know... free lollipops.
Marisol, have you thought about talking to maybe a school counselor about this?
I would, but that position has been vacant since Ms. Garza left in October.
Ah, that's right.
She said she needed a less stressful job.
I think she became a hostage negotiator.
Two days until opening night.
Red carpets, mink coats, champagne.
Does he know we're underage?
Does he know fur is murder?
I am just so... so proud of the work
that I've done.
And, you know, I hope you guys feel good too.
Um, the kittens doing backflips in my stomach, is that normal?
Yes, perfectly. It shows you care.
Well, what's it called if you're nervous, but you barely care?
Denial.
All right, everyone!
Tomorrow, full dress rehearsal
and then showtime!
You must be stoked, bro. It's about to happen.
I know.
Showtime!
No, bruh. I'm talking about the moment of truth.
The kiss.
Are you going Gosling in the Notebook, Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love,
or Gosling in La La Land?
What? I'm a Gosle head.
It just feels wrong.
I... I think I'm just gonna stick to what we've been doing in rehearsal.
You know, cheek-to-cheek. Stage kiss.
What? Hey, cheek-to-cheek, that wasn't the plan.
You gotta go for the real thing.
That's the whole point in becoming an actor.
The scam is working!
Yeah, but I don't want it to be a scam. When we kiss, I want it to be real.
Real, fake, it's way better than making out with your hand.
I wanna kiss Marisol as Marisol, not Marisol as Juliet.
You know who'd be really disappointed in you right now?
Romeo.
And Gosling.
Gabriel. Gabriel!
You know, once you're pouring your third cup,
you might as well just straight chug the whole pot.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just that I spent my free period yesterday
helping my kids with their personal problems,
and I was up late last night grading papers.
Man, I woke up so tired, I almost wore pants.
You know what saves time?
Peer reviews.
Yeah, after my students take a test, they hand it to the kid next to them,
and they grade it.
And then I give everyone a B.
Why do you even come in?
Because Paula won't let me Skype.
Tony, you do too little.
Gabriel, you do too much.
Somewhere in between the porridge is just right.
Ah, who in the hell am I kidding?
Porridge just sucks.
Hey, Mr. Hayward's right.
No, he needs to put some Nutella in that.
No. Man, you need to focus less on your kids, and more on what matters.
Uh, d-don't say...
All the single ladies in Long Beach.
Can't a man just enjoy his gallon of coffee?
Bro, you got your one year chip now. You gotta cash it in.
Trust me. You won't care what your kids are going through
once you find yourself a lonely Tinderella.
Look, bruh, I don't help my kids 'cause I'm bored.
I help 'em 'cause I care.
Wow, I am bored just listening to that.
Whoo!
Oh, hell no.
Who did this?
It was him.
- Look, Paula, I have a good excuse, okay? - I'm exhausted!
On top of being a teacher, now I'm Dr. Iglesias:
Unlicensed ghetto therapist.
It's true! The kids are saying what a great listener Gabe is.
But I'm not.
All I do is hand out erasers.
Paula, you gotta fill that counselor position.
Mm-mm. I got enough on my plate.
I'm about to make my off-Broadway debut,
I got to go over next year's curriculum,
and I'm way behind on my Wall Street Journals.
What? You think Mama don't care about price-to-earning ratios?
Hey, I just need Mama to care about my sleep-to-work ratio.
Gabe, as usual, you have taken on too much.
You know what you should do?
- Don't say... - Start dating.
Once you get back in the game,
your kids' problems won't amount to a hill of beans.
I told you.
It's what we've all been telling you.
You deserve it.
And whoever she is, she deserves you.
And you deserve me.
No, I could never date a coworker.
Fine, I quit.
Still no.
The idea of dating a coworker.
No way.
Having to be the best version of yourself all day would be exhausting.
It's not that bad.
Until you gotta fire him.
Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Uh...
You know what's easier than firing someone?
Hiring someone.
Like a qualified guidance counselor.
What's wrong with your eyes?
Nothing, I'm doing ojitos.
All right, Gabe.
I got a stack of résumés on my desk. I will get to them when I get a chance.
Thank you.
I'm gonna need more erasers.
Your chorus has arrived, and she is ready for her spotlight.
Hit me!
Paula, you're late to dress rehearsal.
Mm-mm. Not possible.
The star cannot be late. Read my rider.
Okay, you will begin your prologue right here.
Oh, hell no!
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
I'm standing right here.
Spotlight! Hit me.
Oh, and I made some changes to the author's suggestions.
Spotlight off!
You can't make changes at this late hour or at any hour.
It's Shakespeare.
Carlos, this line doesn't make any sense:
It is now the two hours traffic of our stage?
It's gonna be more like three hours once I rub a little bit of Paula on this.
Hit me!
Are you nervous about tomorrow?
Why? What's going on tomorrow?
Classic Marisol.
So, should we talk about the thing?
What thing?
That thing
lips do.
Oh, the kiss. Right.
Yes. In front of the entire school,
who we're gonna see every day for the next two years.
Or three, the way I'm going.
The kiss just feels weird to me.
We both knew it was coming. We've been rehearsing all semester,
and it's been in the play for, like, 425 years.
It's just that...
I know you're Marisol playing Juliet,
but if we kiss, I'm worried I won't be doing it as Romeo,
I'd be doing it as myself.
That just feels wrong.
Wait.
You're a boy
who's not gonna do something he wants to do
out of morals and ethics?
Guess so.
Are those two different things?
Well, check out the nobleman being noble.
More like being no balls.
Get lost, Walt!
Don't make fun of Mikey for not engaging in toxic masculinity.
Or any masculinity.
You're a great guy, Mikey.
How about we stick to the cheek-to-cheek kiss?
Like in rehearsal? Sounds good.
Great. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That's a lie.
I know, Mikey. I know.
Paula!
You look even more amazing than usual.
Good girl.
It took all of Janitor Jim's strength to get me in this dress.
And a can of Crisco.
I look forward to seeing all of you
at the official Romeo and Juliet after-party
that I am throwing at Roxanne's.
- Oh! - Cash bar.
So we're meeting at Roxanne's like we always do?
And paying for our drinks like we always do?
Yeah, but I made a flyer.
Can I, uh... bring a plus one?
Ray, we're just going to Roxanne's.
You can bring anyone you want.
Oh, yay!
I've always wanted to meet Gertrude.
Well, too bad, she's out of town.
Hey, guys.
Listen, uh...
Hey, Princess Fiona.
I was wondering if you'd like to help me storm the castle.
Here's my friend right here. Donkey!
Paula, look, I'm really gonna need you to step up this counselor search.
Janitor Jim is in my classroom crying right now.
Relax, Dr. Phil.
I've got an impressive list of candidates.
Yeah, high school counselor, that is one job I would never wish for.
I once took a job I didn't want.
Yeah? How'd that turn out?
I'm still here, aren't I?
Paula, please hurry.
I... I... I'm running out of ways of fixing people's problems.
I'm this close to just saying sana sana colita de rana.
W... What does that even mean?
- Mexican voodoo. - Oh.
Poor guy.
You know, sometimes I worry about who's looking out for him.
Exactly.
He needs the most reliable stress reliever in the book.
Mm, white sage.
No, she's got a boyfriend.
Mm, I'm way ahead of you.
Let's just say the new guidance counselor
will be single, and a lady,
and may have to pass an impromptu quiz on professional wrestling.
Doesn't that violate all kinds of employment laws?
Yes, but I answer to a higher law.
What is that?
Booty law.
Oh!
How's everyone's jitters doing?
Jitters okay?
Just doing a little check on the jitters! Aah!
Checking those jitters!
We can't do this!
It's Shakespeare! What was I thinking?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey. Hey. Everything's fine, okay?
This is just a classic opening night director's prank called "The Panic."
- Right? - Right.
And here's another old classic director's prank.
The "Throw Up."
Guys, guys! I have terrible news.
There's not an empty seat in the house.
Oh, no!
Easy.
You guys got this.
Look, if you forget the right words to say,
don't worry about it. They don't know the difference.
It's not like you're doing an episode of Friends.
Well, no one told us life was gonna be this way.
Look... Look, just... just have fun,
and be as proud of yourselves as I am of you.
- Are you staying for the show? - Of course!
Yeah. And if you wanna know where I'm at,
just listen for the sound of a grown man crying.
Seriously, could you have chosen a sadder play?
I solved the problem.
- We're doing the wrong play. - Quick, learn Hamlet.
Another hilarious joke.
Oh, and like all great directors,
Mr. Hernandez will be watching from the back of the theater with me.
Right. Right.
Right, um...
Okay, kids, uh
remember, if the room starts spinning, that's really bad.
Look, don't listen to him. You guys are gonna kill it.
You two? Oh!
You're gonna kill yourselves.
That's right, I read it.
I'm so nervous about this play.
I'm nervous too, but...
I'm not sure it's about the play.
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
a bunch of rich white people are whining for no good reason.
Some things never change.
What is she doing?
She's doing Paula.
Hey, why did you cast her again?
- Because you said... - Shh, shh, shh! It... It's starting.
Tell me, daughter Juliet, how stands your disposition to be married?
Eh...
Lady Capulet's badgering Juliet about her relationship status.
Yeah. Sounds like my tía during Thanksgiving.
Because I love you, regardless.
Such mortal drugs I have.
But Mantua's Law is death to any he that utters them.
That means you could get the death penalty for selling drugs.
How do I turn off the director's commentary again?
Black and portentous, must this humor prove,
unless good counsel may the cause remove.
Yes!
Hi.
You see that? Even Lord Montegue wants Paula to get a counselor.
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.
Line?
I know he's gonna kill himself, but Romeo's gonna die happy.
I can't believe it. Carlos, that was awesome.
Well, I can't take all the credit.
You know what? I can. Shakespeare's dead.
Yeah, well, Paula was signing autographs after the show.
No one was asking, but she was still signing.
Aw! You know, theater is so romantic.
Really? Dead kids?
I'll never love again.
Well, you guys missed happy hour, but you sure seem happy.
We're celebrating Carlos's amazing directorial debut.
Guillermo Del Toro, Alfonso Cuarón, Alejandro Iñárritu,
Carlos Hernandez.
Hey, remember when they used to let white guys direct?
Turns out that was the problem.
- First round's on me, Katie. - Okay,
but this time I'll need your card.
Hey, bro, you ready to defend our karaoke title?
Heck, yeah. Nobody touches us on our turf.
Let's do this.
- Oh! - Oh, ladies first.
- Thank you. - Yeah, trust me.
You don't wanna follow us.
We're what's known as karaoke sharks.
Ooh, Shark Week!
Thanks for the warning. I've never done this.
Well, you know. That's the beauty of karaoke.
If you're good, drunk audience loves you.
And if you're bad, they really love you.
I just hope I'm not so bad I sober the place up.
If you get nervous, just look at our table.
We support everybody.
But you're still going down.
- Good luck. - Thanks...
Biggie and Smalls.
- Really, bro? - What?
Hi. Bear with me. I've never done this before.
Are the words going to be on here?
- Great. - Oh...
Poor thing. She seems so nervous.
Yeah, it's gonna be rough.
Damn, I miss jukeboxes.
Hey, you guys, no matter how bad it is, just be nice.
Yeah, yeah, we're not following that.
No, we are not.
Damn, and this whole time I thought Tina Turner was black.
Gaber, did you see the way she was smiling at you?
But she looked, then she looked back. That's the double look.
She's into you, bro.
Well, guess what?
I'm gonna take a sip of this non-alcoholic liquid courage
and go talk to her.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
My chanting manifested it.
Go get her, Gabe!
Come on, Abby.
The double look means that Gabe is in control.
Hmm.
You're gonna ignore her for an hour, then pretend flirt with Abby,
then go tell her she's a bad singer.
- Ah! - Wait, what are you doing?
The opposite of everything you just said.
First time singing karaoke.
Really?
Well, first time today.
Here.
You know, I bet you did great because I told you how supportive our table is.
Yes. You were the wind beneath my wings.
Oh! Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
Has the karaoke contest started yet?
With the way this dress is pinching my diaphragm,
this could be my best Patti LaBelle yet.
Trust me, you should let a couple of other people sing before you go up.
Paula, Gabe's talking to a girl.
A lady.
A woman.
I'm freaking out!
Oh, hey, Paula.
How's it going?
Oh, this?
It's just a napkin
with a number on it.
I got some more good news for you, Gabe.
I hired a guidance counselor.
Thank you. Thank you.
And I told her to meet us here. I don't know what...
Oh, there she is. Jackie!
Hey.
Jackie.
Hey, have a seat, Jackie.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Jackie, I want you to meet the gang.
This is Gabriel...
And, uh, this everybody else.
Well, hey, everybody else.
- Hi, Jackie. - What's up?
Oh, you know what, Gabe?
Why don't you sit here? Move, Tony.
Thanks, Paula.
Oh!
To Carlos,
to Shakespeare,
to another great year,
and to the best coworkers anyone could hope for.
- Aw! - Hey.
Yay... coworkers!
Hmm.