Mr. Iglesias is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Yo, you're gonna be a great Romeo, Mikey. - Well, yeah.
You've been preparing your whole life not to get the girl.
He jests at scars... that never felt a wound.
Whoa, that was good.
And you, like, used it right and everything.
Thanks, Marisol.
Marisol
by any other name,
would smell as sweet.
Easy, hotshot. No sniffing.
Doo do doo!
Good morning, young learners.
Hey, does anyone want to trade roles with me?
I can't play Lady Capulet.
Uh, is it the British accent?
Just pretend you're better than everyone else, and it comes out naturally.
We-We call our french fries chips.
Our chips, crisps,
and our dentist, never!
Cheerio. Pip pip. Mind the gap. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Lady Capulet is a bad mom.
She's mean, and she hates love.
Romeo and Juliet should have poisoned their parents instead.
Easy there, Romeo and Juliet Menendez.
Look, uh, how about we lighten up the mood,
and we talk about World War I and the use of mustard gas.
Oh, it sounds like a delicious gas!
Yo, grown-ups always mess things up for teens.
Lady Capulet, Lord Montague, Lord Zuckerberg.
Yeah, well, some grown-ups do great things for kids.
Who? Eh, besides you.
Well, I appreciate you calling me a grown-up, but cut it out.
No, man, look. I'm talkin' about the adults who created child labor laws
so that no child was ever overworked.
Hey, you... you're doin' that thing
where you weave schoolwork into casual conversation.
Nice try!
Well, jeez, what am I, a teacher at a school on a Monday?
Guys, Mr. Iglesias is one of the good ones.
Aww, shucks.
Go on.
But, you know, I can't say the same for the jerks running this place.
You know we're the only school in the whole district
not competing in Green Week.
Green Week, uh... Eh, it sounds like a great band name.
Seven times better than Green Day.
Green Week is a district-wide competition
to see which school can reduce their carbon footprint the most.
Ooh, you know who's got a huge carbon footprint? Whew...
Bigfoot.
And China.
We can track our points using this guide.
Like eliminating single-use plastics, 50 points.
Carpooling, 100 points.
Driving to work alone, priceless.
Reducing meat consumption, 200 points.
Oh, I already do that.
At lunch, I eat half my burger, then I throw the other half away.
How many points is that worth?
Well... I... Negative all the points!
Oh, man.
I'm in last place. This is gonna be hard!
You know what else was hard?
World War I.
Now, uh, open up your books to the page with the guy wearin' a gas mask.
The climate crisis is World War III,
and we'll also be wearing gas masks.
Well, look. I'm a history teacher, not a future teacher, okay?
I can't teach it till it happens.
Ha! I thought you could teach anything.
You know, old people love to complain about younger generations,
but it's their fault that everywhere on Earth
is about to be either desert or underwater.
But I can't swim!
Or tolerate direct sunlight!
See? This is why we need to be yelling at adults
about the climate crisis.
Like that Swedish girl Greta Thunberg.
Now see? She is the type of white rage I can get behind, okay?
So now our only hope is Swedish teenagers?
How could you let this happen?
Hey, I just work here, man.
Ooh, I like the passion. You know, I've got an idea.
Uh, what? Give up and move to Mars?
- You know what's a better planet? - Don't say it, Walt.
- What? I was just going to say Saturn. - Oh, okay.
It's right next to Uranus.
Look, okay.
After class, I'm gonna go have a conversation with Principal Madison
and see if I can't get her on board with Green Week
and hopefully restore your faith in adults.
Thank you.
At the rate oceans are rising,
Long Beach is about to go from having an aquarium
to being an aquarium.
Well, look at the bright side. Free admission.
Woo!
So, what I'd like to do is teach this section through the point of view
of the oppressed, instead of the conqueror.
Ah, white guilt. Go for it.
What about my idea?
Tony, you can't remove a handicapped spot
because you want to park your truck sideways.
Come on! I got charts!
Hey, Paula, I need to talk to you. It's really important.
Hey, guys, please stay. I might need backup.
Okay.
Just so you know, she's being very unreasonable.
Paula, my students told me
that we're the only high school in the district not doing Green Week.
Oh, sorry, Gabe. Going green is like a divorce.
It's inconvenient, costs a lot,
and when you're done, you're still miserable.
Come on, it's easy.
All you need are LED bulbs, solar panels,
a compost heap, a state of the art system to reclaim wastewater,
and an electric car.
See? Easy peasy.
I don't have funding for all that mess.
It doesn't take that much effort to look out for the environment.
Yeah, and if we don't, what do we leave behind for the children?
So, you'd be willing to unplug your neon sign that says Ladies Only?
Never mind. Good luck, kids.
This planet is doomed. What am I gonna do?
I've never seen an astronaut in space shorts.
Gabe, you're not goin' to space. You don't even like goin' to Anaheim.
Come on, Paula. The students are passionate about this.
Aren't you concerned about global warming?
Yeah, in the summertime,
when the backs of my legs hit my 200-degree car seat.
Yeah.
Or when the car's so hot, you smell like chicharróns.
You know, every generation complains
that the world is gonna end and it never does.
2012, Y2K.
The '95 Source Awards.
I don't need these chicken littles peckin' at my ankles.
Well, as the youngest teacher,
I really see eye to eye with the kids when it comes to our Earth.
Mother Gaia.
Mother Gaia? That sounds whiter than a fresh pair of New Balances
at a Michael Bublé concert.
What?
It's true. I'm as green as they come.
I catch my shower water in buckets, and then I reuse it to make pasta.
Yeah, I'm gonna need to take a raincheck on that dinner invite.
Paula, please, I promise it won't be a hassle,
and no one'll be forced to eat shower spaghetti.
Gabe, I've been on keto so long, it actually sounds delicious.
Come on, Paula.
It'll set a good example for the kids, and if not for them,
do it for the baby seals.
Fine, Gabe, but I don't want any chaos.
My watchdog Carlos is at the world's saddest convention,
the vice principal convention.
So sad.
A room full of people, and no one to suck up to.
All right, Gabe.
You go make the school green,
but I don't want to hear it, see it, or smell it.
One thing I've noticed
is when something is environmentally friendly,
it smells like ass.
Look, the beauty of this competition is the kids are in charge,
we can just put our feet up.
We won't have a carbon footprint or any footprint.
You know, Kermit was wrong.
It is easy being green.
Great.
Just what we need.
Another ding-dong doing funny voices.
Hmm, hurt feelings I have.
Yoda.
Also green.
Nothing?
I'll let myself out.
Hmm, angry you are.
Thanks so much for taking a moment out of your busy schedule
for an update on our progress.
I'm not taking a moment. We're just walking in the same direction.
Well, our green team is already making huge strides when it comes to lunch.
That sounds great. Now, why don't you take some huge strides that way?
Oh! Really, it's no bother.
I enjoy a good walk and talk.
Oh, Marisol. I heard what you said, so I forced down two burgers,
and I threw a third one in the recycling. Swish!
Still some bugs in the system,
but we are closing in on Lakewood and Poly.
We're just, like, 200 points out of the lead.
Those burnouts at Poly have been green since Snoop went there,
if you know what I mean.
Marijuana.
Well, ooh, here, look, um, check this out.
A hundred points for the compost bin.
Two hundred points for removing paper towels from the bathrooms.
- Mm-hmm. - Three hundred points for banning straws.
Wow, and I thought Green Week was gonna be boring.
Minus 100 for sarcasm.
And here is our social media team
getting the important message out to people.
But without ozone, this
precious life-giving sunlight will kill us all!
And cut.
Oh, great.
Little Spike Lee and Baby Michael Rapaport.
I don't need to be here. Let me outta here.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What's all this noise outside of Principal Madison's office?
Carbon capture.
We're jailing environmental criminals.
I feel like I walked onto the set of Green is the New Black.
Ha! You crack me up, but you make me sick!
I was framed.
They planted that straw on me.
That's what they all say.
I never use a straw.
Even in the '70s, at Studio 54, I used a 20-dollar bill.
See? He's been an environmentalist for 50 years.
Look, Principal Madison signed off on this as long as she didn't notice it,
but she's gonna notice that her bullpen has been turned into Greentanamo.
We have to stay in here.
It's all in that crazy Green Week rule book.
Plus, I heard Grace might have a taser.
You want to find out?
Touch the thermostat again.
So, uh, what are you in for?
I Xeroxed a handout but didn't use both sides of the paper.
Wow, you're badass.
You must be the boss of this yard.
All right, look, uh,
I'm gonna need everybody to get out right now before Paula gets back.
Come on. Everybody out.
But what did I do?
Would you describe that plant on your desk as drought tolerant?
Oh, no, you're right. I'm a monster! Put me away!
No, no, no, no, no! The governor called.
He's pardoned everyone.
Now run.
Run!
The guidelines say they need to spend one minute in carbon capture
for every fluorocarbon they release!
Oh, come on!
Your mother!
I know what's not helping the environment. Prison overcrowding.
What is this?
What's up, Chiquita Banana?
I don't know. Ask Officer Training Day over there.
I caught this fool taking his bike out the back of his pickup truck.
He was gonna pretend like he rode it to school. Mm-hmm.
And I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!
Wait, wait, wait. You know what would have a lot more prisony feel?
The basement. I say we all head down there right now.
Let's go. Who's with me?
Come on.
If I had known we'd be stuck here together, I would of wore a jacket.
Wouldn't want you to be afraid of my Aztec pythons.
Quetzal and Coatl.
Aww!
When I break outta here, I'm gonna tuck you in my backpack.
Come on, let us outta here!
Oh, hell no!
I don't know what this is over here, but guess what?
I am seeing it! I am hearing it! And I am smelling it!
Get your stank outta my bullpen!
No. No, no, no, no. Don't you get it?
Car... Carbon capture is the crown jewel of Green Week.
Wilson High is closing in on the championship.
Oh, show's over.
Green Week is over, and if you don't clear out of my bullpen,
I will leave the school's AC cranked all weekend.
Oh, not the AC! Damn!
- Yeah, she'll turn up the AC! - We'll get 'em next planet!
Paula, I know it seems a little chaotic,
but you gotta admire their enthusiasm.
Do I?
Because I don't.
Have you heard of the leadership in energy and environmental design?
Of course. Everyone has heard of LEED.
I delete their emails every day.
Well, uh, Marisol told me that if we win Green Week,
we'll become a LEED-certified school and will actually be eligible for a grant.
- A grant? - Mm-hmm.
Now that's the kind of green Mama cares about.
How much are we talkin'?
I don't know all the details, but it's, uh, more than zero.
All right.
- I guess we should for the children. - Mm.
Now go get me some money.
Yes, Daddy, I'll go work that corner for you.
If you don't soften your approach,
Principal Madison's gonna kill you before climate change does.
Ooh, an exciting race to find out how we die.
All I'm saying is, you catch more bees with honey.
Honey?
There is no honey because there are no bees,
and without bees, well, we all die.
Oh, I don't wanna die.
I wanna kiss Juliet.
I mean, see the future.
And you can do better, Mr. Iglesias.
I saw you drink an extra-large horchata from a styrofoam cup.
Ah. Don't hate.
Look, next time, I tell the restaurant to pour the horchata directly in my mouth.
A lot of places only charge you if you ask for a cup.
If you can get your head under there, it's free.
I tried that, and that's how you get banned from El Taco Loco.
Look, the key to any movement is getting people to come over to your side.
By shaming people,
you're just gonna make them want to kill the turtles with their bare hands.
If we don't shame them, we're gonna lose points.
I can't take another I, man.
I have to change my rap name from Lorenzo with the Benzo
to Lorenzo with the bus pass.
- Yeah, nobody wants that mixtape. - Pfft.
Look, guys, we can still do this.
We just need to take responsibility for our own carbon footprint.
Hey, I... I could start sleeping with the lights off.
That is a great idea.
Although, you know who likes the dark?
Once we forgive these faculty infractions,
we'll be behind, like, 500 points.
There's no way we'll win.
Winning is like a hug from my dad.
I don't know what it feels like.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Super sad.
Now, channel that, make it about trees,
and I have a filter that will put a single tear on your cheek.
Okay, ready?
Guys. Guys, look. Maybe winning Green Week isn't the most important part.
Maybe it's about leading by example.
I'd rather be leading by being in first place.
And I just crunched the numbers, and there is a way we could still win,
but someone has to give up 500 carbon points.
And whoever's willing to do that is the real hero.
It's you, Mr. Iglesias.
It's just horchata.
If you give up your gas-guzzling VW bus, we win.
Anybody else?
Anybody want to be a hero?
You get free cookies.
I feel so free!
Now I'm understanding why Gabe wears shorts.
I'm gonna teach in this.
Careful. Lance Armstrong wore that to work,
and I heard one of his berries fell off the vine.
Oh, man.
I am starting to think you guys were right.
About the sideways parking, or making Hooters our sister school?
Uh, wrong and wronger.
I was talking about my kids.
You know, I really want to help them with this win,
but they keep movin' the goalposts.
Give anyone power, and power corrupts.
Even kids.
Yes, if they get their way, there'll only be one-ply toilet paper.
And if that time comes,
the days of shakin' a man's hand will be over.
You know what kids, uh, value more than a firm handshake?
- Hmm? - Breathing air that's not on fire.
Is that too much to ask?
Well, it's kind of the way they ask.
Besides, Gabe, what have you done for their cause?
Uh, lots!
For example, today, I had lunch, and I didn't waste the napkin.
I just did this. Look. Mm! Ah.
Oh, yeah. That ought to repair the ozone.
Your kids are unrealistic, Gabriel.
I can't spend my valuable time snippin' six-pack holders
or separating green bottles and brown bottles
or paper and plastic.
It's trash! It's all trash!
Yeah, I think some people just need to be grandfathered in.
Especially grandfathers.
Yeah, Gabe.
In the words of the great evolutionist Charles Darwin,
it is survival of the fittest.
Well, in the words of the great environmentalist Charles Barkley.
You guys are terrible.
You know,
when I first met you,
it was love at first sight.
I was like, "I dig those curves." And you were like, "Let's go for a ride,"
and we did.
And all those carpool karaoke sessions,
we had such sweet harmony.
Chasing taco trucks at two o'clock in the morning. Oh!
Remember that camping trip?
You hated it.
Ah, you didn't like the dirt.
You didn't like the woods.
You've always been such a city girl.
I hear ya, and I feel the same way.
Please don't make this harder than it already is.
By the way, I'm sorry about that scratch on the door.
Latina exes.
They're so jealous, but I get it.
She'll never have what we had.
Really gonna miss you.
He's really gonna do it.
This is so hard to watch.
The only time I've seen Mr. Iglesias cry
was when he stapled his thumb to his desk.
That was you, and he was crying from laughter.
Walt, why are you crying?
The question is, why aren't you crying?
Have you never loved?
There ain't nothin' wrong with a man cryin'.
Shout out, Drake, for openin' up the floodgates.
Guys, Mr. Iglesias has done so much for us already.
Remember? He gave up summer vacation to keep us from being counseled out.
Remember before Mr. Iglesias,
when the only way I could talk was like this?
Mr. Iglesias helped me find my voice.
Yo, this one time, I was really anxious,
and he calmed me down with two simple words.
Stop it.
I... I... I don't know, it's how he said it.
You know he's visited me at every single job I've ever had,
just to check up on me.
It's why he has that rewards card to Baby Gap.
You okay, Mr. Iglesias?
Don't... ever question my love for you guys.
The tow truck'll be here in 30 minutes.
Oh, you always go the extra mile.
Oh...
Sorry. Sorry.
One thing you've proven to us over and over again is
you're not like other adults.
You still understand what it's like to be a kid.
You guys aren't that complicated.
I mean, you know, Froot Loops for dinner, pizza for breakfast.
Oh, wait, wait! I think I found another way for us to get these points.
Don't make me give up my Froot Loops.
No, it's a way for you to keep your van.
Come on, don't... don't play with my heart.
- Really. - Seriously?
'Cause I'd do anything.
Nothing, and I mean nothing.
Would be worse than parting with my baby.
Look, I... I know we won, but why does it feel like I lost?
Hustle up, Gabe.
Mama's got some LEED grant money to collect.
And speaking of collecting,
uh, I need to collect some gas money, so, uh, hey, Tony!
Tony, take the cup, man.
Hey, we're not at church, so, uh, try adding, not subtracting.
- Hey, Gabriel! Gabriel! - Hmm?
If I see somebody in your blind spot, I'll touch you on your shoulder like this.
Hey, hey, hey! No touching the driver!
Hey, can we get some AC back here?
No way.
Quetzl and Coatl are freezing.
You have got to start wearing clothes to work.
We are not riding in the way back tomorrow.
Seating is based on importance, Mr. Trujillo.
Tomorrow you gon' be up on the roof rack.
- Burn. - With your goofy lookin' friend.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, Gabriel, we gotta stop again.
Why? You just went.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
Here, just use this big, empty cup.
Oh. Oh, thank you, Tony.
Uh, don't be alarmed by the color.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
Nobody pees on the bus!
God, the kids are right.
Grown-ups are awful.