Mr. Iglesias is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
There you are.
Yup, where I am every day, ten minutes before school starts.
Shouldn't you be at home just waking up?
I did just wake up, but I got burnt this morning.
There was no traffic. Now what do I do?
Hey, speaking of traffic, uh,
I saw some girls walking past you last night at Roxanne's.
The problem is that my wingman can't date because of his stupid AA rules.
How is me not being able to date for a year
responsible for you striking out for a year?
It's just basic wingman math.
But that's all gonna change in two weeks when you get your one year chip.
Yeah, then we get to visit any church basement, drink stale coffee,
and watch cigarette butts pile up in the corner.
That's living.
Come on, bro, it'll be just like the old days.
You and me spitting game, getting digits, breaking hearts.
Who did you hang out with?
Come on, bro. I bet you're just chomping at the bit to get back out there.
No, not really, man.
As it turns out, when I'm not dating, I have time, money,
and above all, self-esteem.
Come on, bro. Think of what you're missing.
Good morning.
And it just got a lot better.
God, you're exhausting.
Man, am I missing out.
Good morning, fellow educators.
- Morning. - Hey.
Hey, I have to say,
despite having two entire chardonnays last night,
I feel right as rain.
Why don't you make him your wingman?
He's right as rain.
Whoa!
Paula, looking good! What's the occasion?
Yeah. They found someone who actually wants to host the Oscars.
Oh, hush that fuss.
I wake up like this.
I wake up like this...
A-boom!
I wake up like this...
I don't wanna!
No, seriously, Paula, what is all this?
Oh, I realized when I struck out as badly as you did last night,
I need to step up my A-game.
24/7, 365, 7-Eleven.
7-Eleven?
That's right, I ain't too proud to creep out the Slurpee machine.
You should be.
I know, Gabe, but the bar scene is exhausting and stressful
and humiliating.
But once you get past all that, it's just overpriced.
You know what I do when I strike out at the bar?
I go outside, and I hit on the borrachas in line at the taco truck.
Never stop closing.
Whatever, it's all just flavors of hell.
- She seems good. - Yeah.
Woo!
Look, maybe it's time for a life change.
If you're miserable, why not take a break from dating?
- Who said I was miserable? - Uh, you did in the faculty lounge.
Oh, well, aren't you just a great listener?
And were you enjoying dating
that time you ugly-cried on my shoulder in the staff meeting?
I paid for the dry cleaning.
Look, there's no upside to dating, okay?
When you ask someone out, they either crush you by saying no
or terrify you by saying yeah.
Interesting.
No plucking, no waxing,
no extensions, no weaves.
Wow, dating is just adding or subtracting hair.
Yeah. And you know what's even better than subtracting hair?
Subtracting dating apps.
Gabe, you may be onto something.
Goodbye, Tinder.
OkCupid, you so stupid.
Goodbye, Hinge, you make me cringe.
No more stumbles with Bumble. Ooh!
Goodbye, Grubhub.
But Grubhub is for food delivery.
Not the way I use it.
Remember this moment,
for you are about to begin a
lifelong dance
with the most influential writer the world has ever known.
Yeah, better not be J.K. Rowling.
There are no black Hufflepuffs.
Or brown.
Hogwarts really needs a diversity scholarship.
Oh, that place isn't real.
I looked it up.
Diversity is not an issue with the great William Shakespeare.
Need I remind you of Othello?
Only if you want us to know anything about it.
Othello, the Moor of Venice,
who murdered his innocent wife Desdemona out of jealousy.
So the only black character in Shakespeare murdered his wife?
O-thell-no!
Relax, Lorenzo.
We'll be studying Romeo and Juliet in preparation for the spring performance.
I love rom-come.
It is romantic, not a ton of laughs.
Although, my Balthazar did get a few titters.
He said balls and titters.
The most important element
in staging a successful Romeo and Juliet
is the chemistry between the star-crossed lovers.
Oh, yeah, it is.
If that balcony's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.
Grace
would you be our ingenue, the fair Juliet?
I'm not getting on that balcony.
Okay. Um... Marisol!
- Here. - Yes, we have a volunteer.
- Up on your feet! - Wait, what?
Mr. Iglesias raves about you all the time. He says you're great at everything you do.
Oh... he's very kind,
but I don't... That's not... We don't have to...
Come on! Do not deny us your brilliance.
- I don't... That's not... No. - Up you go!
Ha ha! All right!
- Who's willing to be our... - I... I call Romeo!
So, I'm Romeo, and Marisol is Juliet. And action!
Here's the thing.
Um... I... I... I don't think I can get into a character
who subscribes to the patriarchal myth
of some guy sweeping her off her feet.
Which I totally can!
I've been working out.
As a feminist, I have to refuse to perpetuate the stereotype
of the helpless female.
I really think you should consider perpetuating it.
Okay, so Marisol, you are protesting on political grounds,
- but did you know... - Ooh, I'll play Juliet!
I don't stand for anything. I just wanna be on stage.
In Elizabethan times,
men often played both male and female roles.
Sweet! I'll be like entertainment mogul Tyler Perry.
Where'd fort art thou, Romeot?
He's right here, wondering what the hell just happened!
What do you think about my new profile pic, former wingman?
Where did you get a dog?
At this new shop
called Photoshop.
Oh, that reminds me, Gertrude wants me to pick up that roll of film
from the Bellflower Fotomat.
You know they closed, like, in '98, right?
Oops.
Bro, you really think you can impress a woman with a cute picture of a dog?
Oh, my God, a puppy!
Hello, my beautiful faculty!
Gabe, you are a miracle worker.
Yes. Yes, I know.
Call me La Virgin de Gabe-alupe.
Oh! Deleting those dating apps worked like a charm!
I have liberated myself from the sea of gross, horny men
who have pictures of fake dogs in their profile.
Yeah, men are horrible.
Hey, maybe some of them live in apartments that don't allow pets.
I'm proud of you, Paula.
Taking a break from dating is the ultimate in self-care.
I'm really enjoying this time
before my 6-foot-5 ex moves to Long Beach to try to win me back.
I don't see how his height matters.
Oh, from up here, you'd see.
Ha! She got you there, Tiny Tony.
Ehh...
Bro, can't you see that the happiest people in this room
are the ones taking a break from dating?
Oh, wait... wait a minute, I'm... I'm not taking a break.
Yes. Yes, you are. You deleted your apps, remember?
Yeah, and your great advice worked.
I wasn't home swiping left, and I met a fine man at the grocery store.
Produce or dairy? Tell me everything!
Girl, he came to my rescue when he saw me on my tiptoes,
reaching for a six-pack of toilet paper.
Sounds like you met your Prince Charmin.
Oh, it's destiny!
No, Destiny is Tony's favorite stripper over at The Castle.
Look, Paula, this is a terrible idea.
Why? I met a gorgeous guy, and we are going on a date tonight.
Well, I met Gertrude in a line at a convenience store.
Sometimes when she's snoring,
I lie awake wondering if I really needed that Butterfinger.
So who's the lucky fella?
Rick Winslow, the basketball coach at Lakewood High.
Ooh, I want all the deets!
Oh, girl, I ran through that whole store pretending I couldn't reach stuff.
I was like... ooh!
Well, this is not gonna end well.
Rick Winslow is a legend in Long Beach.
For what, being able to reach stuff?
I don't know why they call him coach.
He's just a stone-cold player.
What? What... What are you talking about?
Look, I've met some of his rebounds, and he leaves them a hot mess.
They're so broken, they think Tiny Tony is a catch.
Well, I'm not gonna let this happen to my friend, Paula.
I'm gonna be as overprotective as a Mexican mom.
Mija, you cannot do this to yourself. Don't go out there!
Yo, I would've never volunteered to play Lord Montague
if I'd known what a supreme a-hole this dude was.
Yeah, how do you think I feel?
There's a reason Capulet begins with a "C."
What? She's controlling.
Oh, yeah, damn right, she is! And she's trying to keep me from my lady.
Here comes your lady now.
Oh, Romeo. Romeo.
Romeo, Romeo, Romeo.
Yeah, I found it.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
I'm in Hell!
Listen, Walt...
It's Juliet.
I'm a method actor.
If you want me to answer, you're gonna have to call me Juliet.
Fine, Juliet,
I wanna do the scene with Marisol.
You don't find me attractive? Well, this was hot in 1595.
Come on, bro, you have to help me convince Marisol to be my Juliet.
But then I'm gonna be the Apothecary. He barely has any lines!
And I already got a Brazilian!
Just kidding.
Or am I?
There's just something about Shakespeare's weird,
made-up words that make me feel things.
And if Marisol's up there with me, maybe it'll make her feel things too.
Listen, she's out of your league!
Okay. You're Pete Davidson,
and she's every girl that's ever gone out with Pete Davidson.
How does he do it?
You don't understand.
There's nothing more attractive to a girl than the loyal best friend
who's always there for her, even when she doesn't want him to be.
Oh, yeah, that guy always scores!
He might!
If I can just get my Marisol to be my Juliet.
Come on. I need your help!
Girl!
Men
they just take, take, take.
- Hey, girl! - Oh, there's my cupid.
Get in here.
- Oh! - Thanks to you, Gabe,
I get to bust out my Mary Belle tonight.
That's my showtime wig.
Well, listen, about that.
You know, if the universe is, uh, sending you this great guy
after 90 minutes of being off the market,
imagine what it would send you after a whole year?
Hmm. A whole year? I ain't got time for that.
I mean, I'm not over the hill, but I'm in the bobsled.
Well, what's the rush?
Love is not a race.
It's an anxiety-filled marathon.
- Hell, yeah! - Hmm.
It takes guts to keep charging back into that box of knives.
You know, the fact you keep calling it a box of knives
is probably a good reason to take a break.
Gabe, Coach Winslow and I arrived at that aisle at the same time.
It's fate.
Just because you walked down an aisle
doesn't mean you're gonna walk down the aisle.
We laughed, we connected.
We found we share the same favorite apple.
Honeycrisp!
What are the odds of that?
Well, I don't know,
if the both of you bite a Honeycrisp, I'd say a 100%!
Paula, look, I don't know how to tell you this,
so I'm just... I'm just gonna throw it out there, okay?
Rick Winslow
is a player.
Damn straight!
Power forward,
get a little Lamar Odom up in the mix.
You know he's a player?
Gabe,
how long have I been dating in Long Beach?
I'm afraid to answer out of fear of being slapped.
I know Wham-Bam Winslow's reputation.
Then why would you go out with him?
Because Mama likes to both wham and bam.
He says it's different.
He's tired of the lifestyle, and he's looking to settle down.
Tired of the lifestyle? He's a player, not a vegan.
Well done!
Tybalt's never died quite so violently.
Okay, um, act one, scene five.
The Dance.
Ooh, dancing!
I bet this Juliet can twerk!
Uh... actually, I think I might need to be on vocal rest today.
Darn it!
I... I... I guess Walt's understudy will have to step in.
Yes, the show must go on.
Marisol?
What? I'm not Juliet's understudy.
I already said how I feel about the lame, rich chick who needs a man to define her.
Yes, you did, which struck me as odd.
Finally, someone else striking people as odd!
Marisol
you believe in defying the rules of a patriarchal society, right?
Just the stupid rules.
So, yeah, all of them.
All right, well, guess what character shares those same beliefs?
Yo, not Lord Montague.
I mean, you think a brother wearing tights would be more evolved, but...
Oh, it's Juliet!
Uh, she disobeys her parents. She refuses to marry Paris.
She wants to marry Mikey. I mean... I mean, Romeo. I mean, Romeo.
Yes. Good, Mr. Guiterrez.
What could be more radical, dare I say, feminist,
than Juliet's behavior?
That's how I was gonna play her.
Marisol, if you're saying you're too nervous to play the role,
I'll understand.
Marisol, nervous?
Yeah, right, and a Brazilian doesn't itch.
But if you're refusing on feminist grounds,
huh, well, that's unfair to Shakespeare.
It's unfair to Juliet!
I've never backed down from a challenge.
So here we are
getting out of my chair
legs supporting my weight
center stage,
and challenge.
Marisol, I don't expect you to be off-script.
Just focus on the emotions.
Okay. Um...
"For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch.
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss."
Have not saints lips, and the holy palmers too?
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
Oh, boy!
Is this PG-13?
Because I'm not allowed to watch those, okay?
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.
Brava! Brava!
Ha ha!
Very good!
Yo, it was about to be great!
Their lips were gonna do what hands do, man!
The star-crossed lovers have been cast!
- Hey, you owe me, Bro-meo. - Yeah!
Mikey!
Uh...
You know all the times I've helped you in school?
I remember every time you've talked to me since third grade.
Good, 'cause I might need your help with this.
Oh, I can't believe that I finally get to say this, but...
I got you.
Oh, yeah.
Biggy and Smalls back in the game.
Come on, bro. Is this getting you a little nostalgic?
Well, yeah, for all the times we got rejected
then ended up drying our tears with pancakes at Denny's.
Exactly, the good old days.
Come on, man, focus.
We need to find Winslow and see if maybe he's a changed man.
That would be devastating.
Not for Paula.
- Ooh, ooh, there he is. - Oh, come on.
Uh, excuse me, are... aren't you the basketball coach over at Lakewood?
Well, they call me Coach, but you know, sometimes,
those kids teach me more than I teach them.
Hmm.
Hey, that's what my friend here says about his students!
- Yeah. - Ah, Wilson. You're a teacher?
Mm-hmm.
I really appreciate what you guys do every day.
Wow!
- I think our work here is done. - Yeah.
I'd offer you a seat, but I'm expecting someone.
- Hot date? - Yeah, a real nice lady.
- Mmm. - Hopefully not too nice.
You'll have to forgive my friend here, he's a... a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of guy.
- Yeah. I used to be that way. - Used to be?
And I still am!
Ooh!
- Yeah! - Oh, you mean, you're not a changed man?
Why would I change?
I'm undefeated, and she's running late.
I don't know if she's hot enough to keep Wham Bam waiting.
Great use of the third person.
Tony approves.
Well, Gabe does not approve, okay?
And for the record, Paula's fine enough to make any man wait.
Wait, hold on. You know her?
Yeah! She's a good friend of mine.
She just texted me that she's not coming.
What? Oh, man, if I'm gonna keep this streak alive,
I... better hustle on down to the Pizza Hut in Norwalk.
My side piece, she gets off at eight.
Do me a favor.
Tell your friend it's over.
Hey, she broke up with you!
And for the record, last time you played Wilson, you barely beat us!
Man!
He really is a legend.
Hey, I'm gonna go catch up to him and get some advice.
I gotta stay and wait for Paula so she knows she wasn't stood up.
But Paula already texted and canceled. We're good.
Dude... I made that up.
Check out the big brain on Mr. Iglesias.
I gotta go.
Abby!
What the hell are you doing here?
Oh, I can't help it, Paula.
I love love!
I just wanted to see what was happening.
I don't want Coach Winslow to see us next to each other.
Then he's gonna think I really can't reach anything!
Oh, he won't see us together. He already left.
Wait, he left?
That's rude!
What man leaves when a woman is barely 30 minutes late?
Well, it looked like Gabe told him to leave.
Gabe?
Unless he has a twin brother,
who's wearing the same outfit Gabe was wearing today,
who also knows Tony... it's probably Gabe.
Oh, great.
I did not wedge myself into Cinderella stilettos
to be hanging out all night with Gabe.
Sugar snap peas and rice! Don't you see what's happening?
You're yelling Lean Cuisines?
No!
Paula, who told you to delete your dating apps?
Gabe.
And who told you not to go out with Coach Winslow?
Gabe.
And who came down here and scared off Coach Winslow?
You seem to be pinning everything on Gabe.
Don't you see?
Gabe is in love with you.
Oh, my God!
Gabe has been laying the groundwork to get me.
Aww!
Gosh, it's so romantic.
Abby, it's only romantic when both people feel the same way.
Are you and Tony romantic?
Okay, now I get it.
Oh, but Gabe has such a tender heart. Promise you'll let him down gently?
I know how sensitive he is,
and how devastating I can be.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Girl, I'm changing my shoes. This is gonna be uncomfortable enough.
- Oh, yes. - Yeah, hold on. Oh, these Spanx.
- Are you okay? All right. - Mm-hmm.
And I was like, "Whoa, that is an emergency, Coach Winslow!"
And then he ran like the wind...
Which is too bad because, you know, he was so excited to meet you.
Wow, that was some story.
Yeah, I... I know!
And I saw the whole thing happening 'cause I was here,
you know, by coincidence.
Gabe, I know the real reason Coach Winslow isn't here.
- You do? - I do.
I heard everything you said,
but I should've read between the lines.
Hey, don't beat yourself up.
Well
I was pretty dense, but it's going to be okay.
Nice manicure.
Is that cobalt blue?
You know how much you mean to me, right, Gabe?
And you know how much you mean to me too, Paula!
You sweet boy, I sure do.
Ooh!
Jenga!
Ooh!
You are so funny, Gabe! That's what I love about you.
And... And you're so, uh, smart and beautiful and...
- Powerful. - Uh, yeah!
- Successful. - Oh, very.
- And wise. - Beyond your years.
That is why I understand what is happening here.
Right!
Uh... one friend who cares about the other,
making sure she doesn't get hurt.
And one friend who cares about the other,
making sure he doesn't get hurt.
He?
Who's he?
- He is you. - Me?
- Yeah, you. - Couldn't be.
What's happening?
You're obviously in love with me.
All the... All of this with the...
It's not that funny, Gabe!
Oh, come on, Paula.
Paula, what... What would make you think that?
It's less of a what, and more of a who!
You know,
she probably shouldn't be in my inner circle of romantic advisers.
Or outer circle.
So you came all the way down here
and risked getting your ass kicked to keep me from being hurt?
We would've been okay.
You know, I'm a grappler, and Tony's a biter.
You are a good friend.
Woo!
See? Everybody's always complaining about the friend zone.
The friend zone is great!
- Yeah. - Yeah!
Way better than a one-night stand with a Wham Bam Winslow, right?
Yeah, uh, what you said. Uh...
Gabe,
if I am going to be brave enough
- to not date for a bit... - Mm-hmm?
Then I want you to find the courage to just dive back in.
There's a really special woman
who's being deprived of an awful lot of goodness.
Yeah, well, her name must be Waldo 'cause she's hard to find.
Thank you, Paula.
I'll think about it.
Thank you, Gabe.
I did have fun when I deleted those apps.
Wish I could delete some apps right now.
Potato skins?
Hell, I ain't on a date.
Buffalo wings and extra ranch!
Yes!
Maybe we are soulmates.