1
00:00:14,205 --> 00:00:16,525
When did you... first notice it?

2
00:00:17,045 --> 00:00:19,245
Ah, well, the pipe started leaking

3
00:00:19,325 --> 00:00:21,405
and the wallpaper started to get wet,

4
00:00:21,485 --> 00:00:23,005
and then it started to form this image.

5
00:00:25,405 --> 00:00:27,365
And when did you think, "Oh...

6
00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:29,125
that looks a bit like
Sir Kenneth Branagh"?

7
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:33,405
Oh, well, it was when the shading started
to form around this bit here.

8
00:00:33,485 --> 00:00:35,245
And, well, it's got his mouth, hasn't it?

9
00:00:36,125 --> 00:00:37,725
- Just a line.
- Yeah.

10
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,805
It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.

11
00:00:40,565 --> 00:00:41,405
Yeah.

12
00:00:42,045 --> 00:00:42,885
Err...

13
00:00:43,885 --> 00:00:45,045
- Take a picture.
- Yeah.

14
00:00:46,445 --> 00:00:47,365
There you go.

15
00:00:47,445 --> 00:00:48,805
Err... Okay?

16
00:00:49,245 --> 00:00:50,405
Yeah.

17
00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:52,445
- This'll cheer the wife up no end.
- Will it?

18
00:00:52,525 --> 00:00:54,285
- Been a bit down lately.
- Ahh.

19
00:00:54,365 --> 00:00:57,045
- Got hit in the head with a hammer.
- She got hit in the head with a hammer?

20
00:00:57,125 --> 00:01:00,885
Two blokes on a moped grabbed her handbag,
hit her on the head and she let go.

21
00:01:00,965 --> 00:01:04,125
And the police don't like to chase 'em
because the kids take their helmets off,

22
00:01:04,205 --> 00:01:07,565
and then it's dangerous,
and the police might get sued, so...

23
00:01:08,165 --> 00:01:09,565
PC gone mad, innit?

24
00:01:10,045 --> 00:01:10,885
Yep.

25
00:01:16,405 --> 00:01:20,205
So... his wife gets mugged
by a motorcycle gang,

26
00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:22,485
hit in the head with a hammer,

27
00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:26,325
he goes home, sees a stain
that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,

28
00:01:26,765 --> 00:01:29,005
and that's what he calls
the local paper about.

29
00:01:29,885 --> 00:01:32,085
Also, any stain
looks like Kenneth Branagh.

30
00:01:32,605 --> 00:01:34,285
He's got no distinguishing features.

31
00:01:34,365 --> 00:01:36,365
You couldn't do a caricature of him

32
00:01:36,445 --> 00:01:39,125
because there's no features to exaggerate.

33
00:01:39,205 --> 00:01:43,285
He's just got a face, a vague, beige face.

34
00:01:43,365 --> 00:01:45,445
If I was him, I'd wear glasses,

35
00:01:45,525 --> 00:01:46,605
big, red glasses.

36
00:01:46,685 --> 00:01:48,445
So when people said,
"Who's Kenneth Branagh?"

37
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,005
"You know, big, red glasses."

38
00:01:50,085 --> 00:01:51,205
"Oh!"

39
00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:53,845
I think he's quite handsome.
I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh.

40
00:01:53,925 --> 00:01:56,645
Course you would.
'Cause you look like fuckin' Shrek.

41
00:01:57,125 --> 00:01:59,885
Be an upgrade for you.
At least you'd be human, then.

42
00:02:00,365 --> 00:02:01,405
Birds love it.

43
00:02:01,485 --> 00:02:04,685
Talking of birds, I went on a date
with the fat kid's mom the other night.

44
00:02:04,765 --> 00:02:06,405
I'll see you back at the office.

45
00:02:08,285 --> 00:02:11,685
It's about 40 quid,
and then, you know. What you gonna...

46
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,885
- Where's my money?
- Okay, calm down.

47
00:02:14,445 --> 00:02:16,685
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'll be whoever you want me to be.

48
00:02:16,765 --> 00:02:18,805
You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute?

49
00:02:18,885 --> 00:02:19,965
No, she's a friend of mine.

50
00:02:20,045 --> 00:02:21,565
I'm not gonna charge him
60 quid, am I?

51
00:02:22,205 --> 00:02:24,565
And less of the prostitute.
I'm a sex worker.

52
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,005
Oh, my bad.

53
00:02:26,565 --> 00:02:28,645
- Gimme my money!
- Be careful with him.

54
00:02:28,725 --> 00:02:30,485
Sorry, shouldn't you be wanking
someone off?

55
00:02:30,565 --> 00:02:32,525
My next appointment's
not till three o'clock, actually.

56
00:02:32,965 --> 00:02:34,885
What'd you do with the money?
As if I didn't know.

57
00:02:34,965 --> 00:02:37,125
- Bought some drugs.
- Bought some drugs. They're my drugs.

58
00:02:37,205 --> 00:02:38,245
We could share them.

59
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,965
Why would we share them? They're mine.

60
00:02:40,045 --> 00:02:40,925
What did you buy?

61
00:02:41,365 --> 00:02:42,925
- Smack, a bit of hash.
- Right.

62
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,885
I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.

63
00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:48,525
- Ahh.
- I haven't got it on me, have I?

64
00:02:48,605 --> 00:02:50,765
I could bring it over later, though.
Right.

65
00:02:52,925 --> 00:02:53,805
Do you live here?

66
00:02:54,325 --> 00:02:55,165
Err...

67
00:02:55,485 --> 00:02:56,325
Yeah.

68
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:58,285
Why?

69
00:02:59,165 --> 00:03:01,045
I got kicked out
of the last garage, didn't I?

70
00:03:01,445 --> 00:03:03,445
I don't mean
why do you live in this particular garage.

71
00:03:03,525 --> 00:03:04,885
Why do you live in a garage at all?

72
00:03:04,965 --> 00:03:08,205
Oh, this happens. People like you
just don't see it from your ivory tower.

73
00:03:08,285 --> 00:03:10,885
I'm a little princess
'cause I don't live in a hole in the wall.

74
00:03:10,965 --> 00:03:12,925
Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?

75
00:03:13,005 --> 00:03:15,645
'Cause I need a new
piss-stained mattress.

76
00:03:16,085 --> 00:03:16,965
Fucking maggot.

77
00:03:17,325 --> 00:03:19,045
Don't be so hard on him.
His girlfriend died.

78
00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:20,245
He had a girlfriend?

79
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,725
Overdose. She got him into it, I think.

80
00:03:23,485 --> 00:03:25,365
We all do things we'd rather not do.

81
00:03:26,085 --> 00:03:26,925
Mmm.

82
00:03:27,485 --> 00:03:28,965
D'you need anything while you're 'ere?

83
00:03:30,125 --> 00:03:31,045
Like what?

84
00:03:31,485 --> 00:03:32,325
Anything.

85
00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:33,805
Anything?

86
00:03:34,125 --> 00:03:34,965
Anything.

87
00:03:35,725 --> 00:03:36,565
For 50 quid.

88
00:03:41,565 --> 00:03:45,685
# Hey sister, go sister
Soul sister, go sister #

89
00:03:45,765 --> 00:03:49,165
# He met Marmalade
down in old New Orleans #

90
00:03:50,085 --> 00:03:52,805
# Struttin' her stuff on the street #

91
00:03:53,405 --> 00:03:55,925
# She said, "Hello. Hey, Joe #

92
00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:57,205
# You wanna give it a go?" #

93
00:03:57,845 --> 00:04:01,765
# Uh-huh
Gitchie, gitchie, ya-ya, da-da #

94
00:04:02,765 --> 00:04:05,965
# Gitchie, gitchie, ya-ya, here #

95
00:04:06,925 --> 00:04:10,085
# Mocha chocolata, ya-ya  #

96
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:14,405
# Creole Lady Marmalade #

97
00:04:21,325 --> 00:04:22,805
This is the worst.

98
00:04:22,925 --> 00:04:24,165
I think I'm gonna puke.

99
00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:28,725
I mean, why don't you soak everything
straightaway?

100
00:04:29,085 --> 00:04:30,845
You said, "Anything for 50 quid."

101
00:04:30,925 --> 00:04:33,285
How many times did you have
fish fingers and beans?

102
00:04:33,365 --> 00:04:34,205
Doesn't matter.

103
00:04:34,725 --> 00:04:37,285
You've done it now anyway.
Just in time.

104
00:04:45,245 --> 00:04:46,925
A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.

105
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,285
How much do they charge?

106
00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,005
About a tenner an hour.

107
00:04:50,085 --> 00:04:52,445
- So I could have got five hours for that?
- Yeah.

108
00:04:55,125 --> 00:04:55,965
Anyway...

109
00:04:56,765 --> 00:04:58,245
it's been nice chatting.

110
00:04:58,325 --> 00:05:00,045
How about a cup of tea before you go?

111
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:03,005
- Okay.
- No, I meant I'd make you one, but...

112
00:05:04,085 --> 00:05:05,285
No, I'm all right.

113
00:05:05,365 --> 00:05:06,445
What's your name?

114
00:05:06,885 --> 00:05:08,005
Roxy.

115
00:05:08,085 --> 00:05:09,205
Your real name.

116
00:05:10,045 --> 00:05:11,685
What are you, the Inland Revenue?

117
00:05:14,365 --> 00:05:15,285
It's Daphne.

118
00:05:16,325 --> 00:05:18,445
- What? What's that face?
- It's a nice name.

119
00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:20,605
Exactly. Don't suit me.

120
00:05:20,965 --> 00:05:23,125
- What, 'cause you're not nice?
- I dunno.

121
00:05:24,285 --> 00:05:25,285
It suits you.

122
00:05:25,845 --> 00:05:27,565
Deep down, you're a Daphne.

123
00:05:28,765 --> 00:05:31,925
You never know what's around the corner.
One minute you're...

124
00:05:32,005 --> 00:05:34,405
happy and safe and smug about it,

125
00:05:35,165 --> 00:05:37,725
the next minute,
everything's taken away from you.

126
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,725
You need a plan B.

127
00:05:41,085 --> 00:05:42,085
I...

128
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,525
I know about your wife.

129
00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:45,445
Julian told me.

130
00:05:45,525 --> 00:05:46,525
Julian?

131
00:05:46,605 --> 00:05:48,445
That skinny little fucker.

132
00:05:48,525 --> 00:05:50,125
I invite him in and he robs me.

133
00:05:51,005 --> 00:05:53,365
Yeah, but you know,
he can't help it, though, can he?

134
00:05:54,925 --> 00:05:56,285
Yeah, of course he can.

135
00:05:56,365 --> 00:05:58,405
You don't know
a lot about addiction, then.

136
00:05:58,485 --> 00:06:00,525
I think I've got the gist.
It's the one where you go,

137
00:06:00,605 --> 00:06:02,325
"It's not my fault. I'm addicted."

138
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,725
Everything's an addiction these days.

139
00:06:04,805 --> 00:06:07,685
"Oh, I couldn't help running over someone
in my car when I was pissed.

140
00:06:07,765 --> 00:06:09,845
I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"

141
00:06:09,925 --> 00:06:11,485
Oh... a food addiction.

142
00:06:11,565 --> 00:06:14,005
Addicted to food.
We're all addicted to food.

143
00:06:14,445 --> 00:06:16,485
Worst one: sex addiction.

144
00:06:16,565 --> 00:06:19,245
Literally invented by someone
who got caught cheating.

145
00:06:19,325 --> 00:06:21,805
Hey, those guys
are some of my best clients.

146
00:06:23,085 --> 00:06:24,525
Why do you do what you do?

147
00:06:24,805 --> 00:06:25,645
Money.

148
00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,925
No, I know, but why... that?

149
00:06:28,005 --> 00:06:29,805
You're only asking me that
'cause of what I do.

150
00:06:29,885 --> 00:06:32,325
But I mean, how do you get into that
in the first place?

151
00:06:32,405 --> 00:06:34,725
- Do you remember that film Pretty Woman?
- Yep.

152
00:06:34,805 --> 00:06:36,725
I just thought it looked really glamorous.

153
00:06:36,805 --> 00:06:37,805
Really?

154
00:06:37,885 --> 00:06:39,165
No, course not.

155
00:06:39,245 --> 00:06:40,965
Oh, right. I dunno.

156
00:06:41,405 --> 00:06:42,765
You would be surprised

157
00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:46,365
the amount of people that still expect
all sex workers to look like Julia Roberts

158
00:06:46,445 --> 00:06:48,285
and then I show up.

159
00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,125
But...

160
00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:51,965
I do have these.

161
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,685
- What's that?
- Tiny little hands.

162
00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:57,725
- Why is that good?
- Oh mate, clients love 'em.

163
00:06:57,965 --> 00:06:58,805
Why?

164
00:06:59,125 --> 00:07:00,725
Makes their cocks look massive.

165
00:07:01,645 --> 00:07:03,445
Well, I've learned a lot.

166
00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:05,365
- I'm honored.
- Good.

167
00:07:05,445 --> 00:07:06,285
Anyway...

168
00:07:06,925 --> 00:07:07,765
Err...

169
00:07:10,405 --> 00:07:11,245
Here you go.

170
00:07:14,605 --> 00:07:16,125
Is this really all you want me to do?

171
00:07:16,965 --> 00:07:17,805
Yeah.

172
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:19,525
Okay.

173
00:07:29,125 --> 00:07:30,365
See ya later.

174
00:07:31,725 --> 00:07:33,485
I absolutely love your dog.

175
00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:35,365
Me too.

176
00:07:42,725 --> 00:07:45,885
I was gonna put it in for a wash.
I wonder what I've done with it.

177
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,165
All right. Well, we'll find it.
It's all right.

178
00:07:48,245 --> 00:07:49,965
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

179
00:07:50,485 --> 00:07:52,245
- You all right?
- Yeah.

180
00:07:54,005 --> 00:07:55,485
You all right, Dad?

181
00:07:56,285 --> 00:07:57,645
How's Lisa?

182
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,045
Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad.

183
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:01,965
Remember that, all right?

184
00:08:02,045 --> 00:08:05,245
'Cause every time you ask me about it,
it really fucking hurts, okay?

185
00:08:05,325 --> 00:08:06,965
Why don't you just go along with it?

186
00:08:07,045 --> 00:08:08,045
Why?

187
00:08:08,125 --> 00:08:09,805
Because it might make him feel better.

188
00:08:09,885 --> 00:08:12,405
All right, okay. Once again,
no one cares about my feelings.

189
00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:14,485
I just had a prostitute lecturing me

190
00:08:14,565 --> 00:08:18,125
about how I should care about the feelings
of a smackhead who robbed me.

191
00:08:18,925 --> 00:08:19,805
That sounds...

192
00:08:20,805 --> 00:08:22,725
He works for me,
and she was doing the washing up.

193
00:08:22,805 --> 00:08:23,965
All right, it's...

194
00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,925
- complicated.
- Well, none of my business, I'm sure.

195
00:08:29,685 --> 00:08:30,605
Interesting.

196
00:08:31,325 --> 00:08:32,645
Argh. What is?

197
00:08:33,085 --> 00:08:35,645
No, it's the way you said,
"None of my business, I'm sure,"

198
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:38,125
- like you thought it was your business.
- No, I didn't.

199
00:08:38,205 --> 00:08:40,125
- Well, you did.
- What's wrong with you?

200
00:08:40,925 --> 00:08:43,285
- What...
- Why can't you just be normal?

201
00:08:43,365 --> 00:08:45,245
I mean, I know you're not normal.

202
00:08:45,645 --> 00:08:47,605
You're bitter, and angry,

203
00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:49,045
and depressed,

204
00:08:49,125 --> 00:08:50,405
and you're upset with the world,

205
00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,805
but for God's sake, this is your dad.

206
00:08:52,885 --> 00:08:54,725
- No, I know.
- You know, can you not just maybe

207
00:08:54,805 --> 00:08:57,485
pretend to be normal
for the ten minutes that you're with him?

208
00:08:57,565 --> 00:08:59,485
Oh, is that a dig?
That I see him for ten minutes?

209
00:08:59,565 --> 00:09:00,725
I didn't mean to upset you.

210
00:09:00,805 --> 00:09:02,725
I was just saying
that maybe for the ten minutes...

211
00:09:02,805 --> 00:09:06,685
Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions
for something that isn't your business.

212
00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,125
He can still feel hurt.

213
00:09:08,645 --> 00:09:10,125
- Right. No, I get that.
- Everybody can.

214
00:09:10,205 --> 00:09:11,125
No, I get that.

215
00:09:11,205 --> 00:09:15,125
It's just a bit weird from someone
who's looking after my dad as their job.

216
00:09:15,205 --> 00:09:18,005
It's a bit unprofessional giving me
all this attitude, don't you think?

217
00:09:18,765 --> 00:09:21,125
You're like a troll on Twitter.

218
00:09:21,205 --> 00:09:24,325
Just because you're all upset,
everybody else has to feel upset.

219
00:09:24,405 --> 00:09:26,565
At first I thought, "I'll give him
the benefit of the doubt,"

220
00:09:26,645 --> 00:09:29,245
because I just assumed
you were always having a bad day,

221
00:09:29,325 --> 00:09:31,485
but maybe it's just because you're a cunt.

222
00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:41,445
That went well.

223
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,925
Cunt.

224
00:09:46,605 --> 00:09:47,445
Cunt.

225
00:09:48,405 --> 00:09:49,245
Yep.

226
00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:52,805
I couldn't believe it.

227
00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:56,445
I mean, she's a nurse looking after
my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,

228
00:09:56,885 --> 00:09:59,925
and then she's giving me grief
for getting upset about stuff.

229
00:10:00,685 --> 00:10:02,925
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- No, I know.

230
00:10:04,165 --> 00:10:06,005
- But you do.
- Yeah.

231
00:10:08,125 --> 00:10:09,325
'Cause you know she's right.

232
00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:11,125
No. What?

233
00:10:12,725 --> 00:10:15,045
Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon?

234
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:17,245
D'you think the women
are ganging up on me?

235
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,365
He agrees with me.

236
00:10:18,765 --> 00:10:20,685
- There's a surprise.
- Apologize to her.

237
00:10:21,405 --> 00:10:22,965
- For what?
- It doesn't matter.

238
00:10:23,605 --> 00:10:26,045
It shows strength, not weakness. Trust me.

239
00:10:26,645 --> 00:10:29,045
I can't just go and apologize for nothing.

240
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,245
But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it?

241
00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:35,845
You'd be apologizing for arguing
with someone you like, someone who's nice.

242
00:10:37,965 --> 00:10:39,205
She's nice, right?

243
00:10:40,725 --> 00:10:44,405
- She's...
- There you are. Ahhh!

244
00:10:44,485 --> 00:10:46,085
What?

245
00:10:46,725 --> 00:10:48,525
Thought so.

246
00:10:49,165 --> 00:10:52,285
Well, why don't you look at it
as your first lovers' tiff?

247
00:10:52,365 --> 00:10:53,525
That's ridiculous.

248
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:55,645
Okay, good. Well done.

249
00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:58,325
Right, I'll see you later.

250
00:10:59,245 --> 00:11:01,365
See you later, Stan.

251
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,245
Good week?

252
00:11:22,325 --> 00:11:23,285
No, course not.

253
00:11:23,885 --> 00:11:25,565
How could I possibly have had a good week?

254
00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:27,325
Only you know that, really.

255
00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:28,725
Why am I paying you, then?

256
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:30,925
That's a good question.

257
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:33,565
And?

258
00:11:33,645 --> 00:11:35,285
Well, why are you paying me?

259
00:11:35,365 --> 00:11:38,005
What, so I've got to know that... too?

260
00:11:38,885 --> 00:11:44,085
Tony, we're here to ask and answer
difficult questions about yourself.

261
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,205
Now, maybe you don't wanna know
the answer.

262
00:11:47,405 --> 00:11:50,485
Maybe the easy way out for you
is to think there isn't an answer.

263
00:11:50,565 --> 00:11:53,325
Well, there is an answer, but you seem...

264
00:11:54,405 --> 00:11:57,325
happier to just accept your unhappiness.

265
00:11:57,405 --> 00:12:00,365
No, I do accept my unhappiness.
I know exactly why I'm unhappy,

266
00:12:00,445 --> 00:12:03,085
and I also know the only thing
that would stop me being unhappy

267
00:12:03,165 --> 00:12:04,285
is impossible.

268
00:12:04,365 --> 00:12:07,885
What I don't know is why I pay someone
who doesn't care about me.

269
00:12:07,965 --> 00:12:09,005
Well...

270
00:12:09,085 --> 00:12:11,725
there are people in your life
who care about you,

271
00:12:11,805 --> 00:12:14,285
but do they actually do
what's good for you?

272
00:12:14,845 --> 00:12:17,245
I don't think anyone knows
what's good for me.

273
00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:18,765
Well I think it's in there somewhere.

274
00:12:18,845 --> 00:12:21,725
I just wanna stop feeling sad.

275
00:12:24,325 --> 00:12:25,165
Do that, then.

276
00:12:25,885 --> 00:12:28,165
Just... stop feeling sad.

277
00:12:35,925 --> 00:12:39,165
So, I make some notes at the time,

278
00:12:39,245 --> 00:12:42,085
if I can be bothered and stay awake.

279
00:12:43,205 --> 00:12:46,005
I get the gist of it. Their name and age,

280
00:12:46,405 --> 00:12:48,525
what street they live in.
People love that.

281
00:12:48,845 --> 00:12:50,245
And then I try and make...

282
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,125
the fucking banal seem mildly interesting.

283
00:12:54,725 --> 00:12:57,365
Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,

284
00:12:57,445 --> 00:12:59,965
and a stain appeared on his wallpaper

285
00:13:00,285 --> 00:13:02,885
that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.

286
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,125
- Do you know who that is?
- No.

287
00:13:06,645 --> 00:13:08,165
He's an old actor, director.

288
00:13:08,805 --> 00:13:09,645
Erm...

289
00:13:09,765 --> 00:13:11,725
- Have you heard of Emma Thompson?
- Yeah.

290
00:13:13,005 --> 00:13:15,565
He'd hate that... Um... anyway,

291
00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,165
it was a stain on a wall.

292
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,005
Have you got the photos from the...

293
00:13:20,485 --> 00:13:22,925
Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,

294
00:13:23,445 --> 00:13:26,925
I've got some pictures of the date I had
with the fat kid's mom the other...

295
00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:28,365
Everyone, listen up.

296
00:13:29,605 --> 00:13:30,485
Work's outing.

297
00:13:30,925 --> 00:13:31,765
No.

298
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,205
Yeah.

299
00:13:33,285 --> 00:13:34,125
Yes.

300
00:13:34,525 --> 00:13:35,965
It's gonna be good for team-building.

301
00:13:36,045 --> 00:13:38,965
There's a new comedy club in town,
just opened. They're advertising with us,

302
00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:41,445
so I thought, show willing,
bought us all tickets.

303
00:13:41,525 --> 00:13:43,165
I said I could have got 'em for free.

304
00:13:43,245 --> 00:13:45,165
Yeah, I know,
but you've gotta support the arts.

305
00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:47,805
It's good. All proper comedians.

306
00:13:48,765 --> 00:13:49,805
There is a woman on.

307
00:13:53,405 --> 00:13:54,245
Right?

308
00:13:54,765 --> 00:13:57,405
Well, I'm just saying.
Just checking, you're all right.

309
00:14:00,725 --> 00:14:03,045
Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.

310
00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:05,685
- It won't.
- Tony, it will. Give it a chance.

311
00:14:07,045 --> 00:14:08,125
Talking of fun,

312
00:14:08,205 --> 00:14:10,085
I had a lot of fun
on that date the other night...

313
00:14:10,165 --> 00:14:11,685
- Tony.
- Ohh.

314
00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:13,325
- Who's that?
- Local nutter.

315
00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:16,605
Always trying to get in the paper,
ain't you, Brian?

316
00:14:16,845 --> 00:14:17,685
She's new.

317
00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:19,405
Yep.

318
00:14:19,885 --> 00:14:22,925
- You stink.
- Never mind that.

319
00:14:23,245 --> 00:14:24,725
Got something for your front cover,

320
00:14:25,245 --> 00:14:26,445
- if you're interested.
- No.

321
00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:28,365
Freddie Mercury's tooth.

322
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:31,565
- Where d'you get that?
- Up the park, by the swings.

323
00:14:31,645 --> 00:14:33,005
And what makes you think it's his?

324
00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:35,565
Look at the size of it, mate.

325
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:37,445
He's disgusting.

326
00:14:37,525 --> 00:14:39,965
Huh? Why don't you stick a knob
down your throat, blabbermouth.

327
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,845
Why do you want to be in the paper, Brian?

328
00:14:41,925 --> 00:14:44,565
'Cause I want to show the world
what I've got, what I can do,

329
00:14:44,645 --> 00:14:45,605
what diseases I've had.

330
00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:48,405
- No one's interested in your diseases.
- Oh, aren't they?

331
00:14:48,485 --> 00:14:49,565
- No.
- Sexual exploits?

332
00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:50,485
- No.
- No?

333
00:14:51,005 --> 00:14:52,965
- I'm a member of a swingers' club.
- Urgh.

334
00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:55,245
You know the assistant manager
of Tambury FC?

335
00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:56,525
I've given him a blowjob.

336
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,765
Stick that on your sports page.

337
00:14:58,845 --> 00:15:00,845
We're not gonna put it
on the sports page.

338
00:15:00,925 --> 00:15:03,605
It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth.
We're not gonna put your diseases...

339
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,565
This is a local paper about old ladies,
their big fat cat,

340
00:15:06,645 --> 00:15:09,205
or someone finding a hat in a tree.
We're not gonna go with,

341
00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:11,365
"Oh, here's Brian Gittens,
local man done proud,

342
00:15:11,445 --> 00:15:14,445
sucking off some fuckin' nonce
at the football." Think!

343
00:15:15,645 --> 00:15:16,805
Have you got a jokes page?

344
00:15:16,885 --> 00:15:18,445
- No.
- Then you're missing a trick

345
00:15:18,525 --> 00:15:20,485
'cause I write my own jokes.
D'you wanna hear one?

346
00:15:21,805 --> 00:15:25,485
What do you get if you cross
a disabled octopus with my ex-wife?

347
00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,045
A five-legged slut.

348
00:15:30,245 --> 00:15:32,125
Brian, not everyone can get in the paper.

349
00:15:32,205 --> 00:15:34,085
Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.

350
00:15:34,165 --> 00:15:35,405
- Have you?
- No.

351
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:38,565
When's that bothered the press before?

352
00:15:39,365 --> 00:15:40,245
Am I right?

353
00:15:40,685 --> 00:15:43,085
Brilliant. Okay, cheers.

354
00:15:43,165 --> 00:15:44,285
- Okay.
- See you again.

355
00:15:56,925 --> 00:15:58,165
I've got a good feature for you.

356
00:15:59,605 --> 00:16:01,125
- No, you haven't.
- Rude.

357
00:16:01,205 --> 00:16:03,045
- You haven't even heard it yet.
- No need.

358
00:16:04,005 --> 00:16:05,325
- Crystals.
- Told you.

359
00:16:05,845 --> 00:16:07,205
Their healing power.

360
00:16:07,285 --> 00:16:08,885
They're bullshit.

361
00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:11,125
- You're so narrow-minded.
- No.

362
00:16:11,205 --> 00:16:13,005
- You don't believe in anything.
- Yes, I do.

363
00:16:13,085 --> 00:16:14,285
Thought you were atheist.

364
00:16:14,365 --> 00:16:17,485
Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything.
It means I don't believe in any god.

365
00:16:17,565 --> 00:16:19,725
- How can you not believe in God?
- Which one?

366
00:16:21,005 --> 00:16:22,005
What do you mean?

367
00:16:22,365 --> 00:16:24,525
Well... Zeus?

368
00:16:25,405 --> 00:16:27,085
- Who?
- Greek god.

369
00:16:27,165 --> 00:16:28,725
Or Ra, or Ganesh?

370
00:16:28,805 --> 00:16:31,005
No, not those ones,
the real one in the Bible.

371
00:16:31,085 --> 00:16:32,085
Yahweh.

372
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,125
Just God!

373
00:16:33,205 --> 00:16:37,045
Well, you know how you don't believe
in all those other gods I mentioned?

374
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:39,085
That's how I don't believe in yours.

375
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,685
How can you not believe
that someone created all this, though?

376
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,645
Why do you believe
that someone created it all?

377
00:16:44,725 --> 00:16:46,005
Because it's so good.

378
00:16:46,485 --> 00:16:48,045
It can't just be chance, can it?

379
00:16:49,365 --> 00:16:50,565
What, the Big Bang?

380
00:16:50,645 --> 00:16:53,245
Everything came from nothing?
That's impossible.

381
00:16:53,325 --> 00:16:54,925
You're right. God did it.

382
00:16:55,485 --> 00:16:56,325
Right.

383
00:16:56,805 --> 00:16:58,325
So, where did God come from?

384
00:17:01,085 --> 00:17:02,045
He's always been around.

385
00:17:02,805 --> 00:17:04,125
There you go. Easy, innit?

386
00:17:04,485 --> 00:17:05,365
Mm.

387
00:17:10,965 --> 00:17:13,925
You always found so much joy
in everything, all the little things.

388
00:17:14,405 --> 00:17:16,285
Sitting on the sofa with the dog.

389
00:17:16,765 --> 00:17:18,085
With that look on your face, like,

390
00:17:18,165 --> 00:17:20,445
"I'm just sat on the sofa with the dog.
I'm loving it."

391
00:17:22,285 --> 00:17:23,525
Give the dog a kiss from me,

392
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,845
and take her to the beach.
She loves it there.

393
00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:29,045
You both do.

394
00:17:31,205 --> 00:17:32,765
Do you wanna go to the beach?

395
00:17:33,325 --> 00:17:34,165
Yeah?

396
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:36,325
Come on, then.

397
00:17:40,525 --> 00:17:42,565
Come on. Good girl.

398
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:07,325
Oh, my God! What did you do that for?

399
00:19:07,405 --> 00:19:08,285
You looked hot!

400
00:19:08,365 --> 00:19:11,325
I was asleep. I'm soaked.

401
00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:13,965
Look, you've freaked the dog out.

402
00:19:14,045 --> 00:19:16,965
Oh, you're such a twat.

403
00:19:17,045 --> 00:19:19,445
Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.

404
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,845
Come on! You come in the sea
with me! You come in.

405
00:19:22,925 --> 00:19:24,805
- No.
- You come in. Tony, come in!

406
00:19:24,885 --> 00:19:26,445
- No.
- Come on!

407
00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:27,845
Come on!

408
00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:29,645
Come in, Tony!

409
00:20:27,045 --> 00:20:28,645
That's why they call them sports socks!

410
00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:32,165
Thank you. You're a wonderful crowd,
you really are.

411
00:20:32,245 --> 00:20:33,645
I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.

412
00:20:34,205 --> 00:20:36,325
I've had some bad news this week,
I have to say.

413
00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:38,325
- Ah.
- Come on, sadder than that.

414
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,325
Ahhh!

415
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,445
Yeah, it was.

416
00:20:41,725 --> 00:20:43,885
A friend of mine
actually committed suicide last week.

417
00:20:44,365 --> 00:20:47,645
Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed everything
in the bathroom cabinet.

418
00:20:48,085 --> 00:20:49,285
Choked on a tampon.

419
00:20:49,365 --> 00:20:51,245
Oh yeah.

420
00:20:53,205 --> 00:20:54,965
Choked on a tampon.

421
00:20:55,565 --> 00:20:58,845
So you've got this guy,
absolutely fucking hated that joke.

422
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,925
I tell ya, his face fell like my nan.
Oh no!

423
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,605
Fucking cheer up, mate.
Might not ever happen.

424
00:21:04,685 --> 00:21:08,445
Come on. Instead of, like,
"I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on.

425
00:21:08,525 --> 00:21:09,765
What's your name then, man?

426
00:21:11,365 --> 00:21:12,405
What's your name?

427
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,325
- Tony.
- Tony. There we go. Not so hard.

428
00:21:15,405 --> 00:21:16,645
What's your story, Tony?

429
00:21:18,165 --> 00:21:20,125
- What's my story?
- Yeah.

430
00:21:20,205 --> 00:21:22,325
Sitting here, front row.
What's your story?

431
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,365
My wife died...

432
00:21:25,925 --> 00:21:26,845
earlier this year.

433
00:21:27,845 --> 00:21:28,685
Breast cancer.

434
00:21:30,725 --> 00:21:31,805
And it broke me.

435
00:21:33,485 --> 00:21:35,165
Not a day goes by when I don't...

436
00:21:36,245 --> 00:21:37,485
think of killing myself.

437
00:21:37,925 --> 00:21:40,765
I just don't see any point in living.

438
00:21:46,485 --> 00:21:47,405
Well...

439
00:21:52,365 --> 00:21:55,325
Umbrellas are weird,
aren't they? Do you ever...

440
00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:57,285
As if an umbrella...

441
00:21:58,165 --> 00:21:59,005
He asked.

442
00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:00,965
Yeah.

443
00:22:01,045 --> 00:22:03,565
He did. He asked me a question,
so I told him the truth.

444
00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:07,765
- The truth's important to you.
- Yeah.

445
00:22:07,845 --> 00:22:10,765
Okay, well here's the truth for you, Tony.
I'm tired, mate.

446
00:22:11,445 --> 00:22:14,765
Okay, I'm tired of spending my working day
worrying about you

447
00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:16,605
and about what you're gonna do next,

448
00:22:16,685 --> 00:22:19,445
and trying to come up with reasons
you shouldn't kill yourself,

449
00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:23,245
and finding tickets for things
to try and cheer you up.

450
00:22:23,845 --> 00:22:27,045
Okay? Midweek, as well, when I should be
home with my wife and son,

451
00:22:27,125 --> 00:22:28,605
dealing with my own problems.

452
00:22:28,925 --> 00:22:32,885
Right. So he's allowed to joke
about suicide, but I'm not allowed to...

453
00:22:32,965 --> 00:22:35,805
It wasn't about you, though, Tony.
The joke wasn't about you.

454
00:22:35,885 --> 00:22:37,565
It didn't happen. He made it up.

455
00:22:38,005 --> 00:22:41,925
His friend didn't really commit suicide
by choking on a tampon, obviously.

456
00:22:42,005 --> 00:22:44,445
- No, I get that.
- I mean, he doesn't know your situation.

457
00:22:44,525 --> 00:22:45,365
Well...

458
00:22:45,445 --> 00:22:46,565
He doesn't. If he'd said,

459
00:22:47,005 --> 00:22:50,605
"Hands up, anyone whose wife has died
and is thinking about killing themselves,"

460
00:22:50,685 --> 00:22:53,325
you go, "Yeah, over here." He's like,
"Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."

461
00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:55,285
Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.

462
00:22:55,365 --> 00:22:56,205
Great.

463
00:22:56,285 --> 00:22:58,085
He was trying to make people laugh.

464
00:23:00,525 --> 00:23:01,885
That's all I'm doing here, okay?

465
00:23:01,965 --> 00:23:04,005
I'm just... I'm doing my best trying...

466
00:23:04,525 --> 00:23:05,485
to make you happy.

467
00:23:06,765 --> 00:23:07,605
Okay.

468
00:23:09,245 --> 00:23:10,085
Well, cheers.

469
00:23:15,245 --> 00:23:17,045
- All right?
- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

470
00:23:17,125 --> 00:23:18,005
See you tomorrow.

471
00:23:26,045 --> 00:23:27,245
Look...

472
00:23:27,525 --> 00:23:28,445
Audrey Hepburn.

473
00:23:30,445 --> 00:23:31,885
Doesn't she look beautiful?

474
00:23:31,965 --> 00:23:34,605
- Brandy, you look so glamorous!
- Oh...

475
00:23:34,685 --> 00:23:37,605
She's a laughing stock.

476
00:23:37,685 --> 00:23:38,685
It was her idea.

477
00:23:38,765 --> 00:23:40,685
- How long did that take?
- I'd say...

478
00:23:40,765 --> 00:23:42,085
- ten minutes.
- Brilliant.

479
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:49,285
Happy with that.

480
00:23:54,925 --> 00:23:56,245
Bought you a little present.

481
00:23:56,885 --> 00:23:58,205
With the money you stole from me?

482
00:23:59,765 --> 00:24:00,765
- Yeah...
- Thoughtful.

483
00:24:14,245 --> 00:24:17,085
You... erm...
sure you don't want a bit of this in it?

484
00:24:19,005 --> 00:24:19,845
Yeah, go on.

485
00:24:21,445 --> 00:24:22,285
Sure?

486
00:24:23,245 --> 00:24:24,965
What's the worst that can happen?

487
00:24:25,445 --> 00:24:27,205
Well... this.

488
00:24:30,285 --> 00:24:32,165
Look, I'm sorry about the whole...

489
00:24:33,405 --> 00:24:35,805
robbing money thing. It's not really me.

490
00:24:36,205 --> 00:24:37,445
It's the disease, right?

491
00:24:39,005 --> 00:24:39,885
We've all got excuses.

492
00:24:43,085 --> 00:24:45,245
I still can't believe
we've got stuff in common.

493
00:24:48,045 --> 00:24:49,325
Both lost our partners,

494
00:24:50,285 --> 00:24:51,925
both trying to numb the pain,

495
00:24:52,525 --> 00:24:53,485
both losers.

496
00:24:54,165 --> 00:24:55,245
No offense,

497
00:24:55,325 --> 00:24:57,365
but I look at you, and I think,

498
00:24:57,885 --> 00:24:59,085
"Fuck me.

499
00:24:59,725 --> 00:25:00,565
I'm like that."

500
00:25:04,605 --> 00:25:05,485
No, you're not.

501
00:25:08,285 --> 00:25:13,925
# I don't believe
in an interventionist God #

502
00:25:18,885 --> 00:25:20,765
# But I know, darling... #

503
00:25:20,845 --> 00:25:22,005
Don't rob me!

504
00:25:22,085 --> 00:25:24,085
# That you do #

505
00:25:29,685 --> 00:25:35,005
# But if I did
I would kneel down and ask him #

506
00:25:39,965 --> 00:25:45,165
# Not to intervene
when it came to you... #

507
00:25:47,445 --> 00:25:50,965
# Oh, not to touch a hair on your head #

508
00:25:51,045 --> 00:25:53,365
# Leave you as you are #

509
00:25:53,445 --> 00:25:59,325
# If he felt he had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms #

510
00:26:01,765 --> 00:26:05,045
# Into my arms #

511
00:26:05,125 --> 00:26:06,485
# Oh, Lord #

512
00:26:07,165 --> 00:26:09,885
# Into my arms #

513
00:26:10,405 --> 00:26:11,485
# Oh, Lord #

514
00:26:12,325 --> 00:26:15,245
# Into my arms #

515
00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:17,205
# Oh, Lord #

516
00:26:17,605 --> 00:26:20,405
# Into my arms #

517
00:26:25,565 --> 00:26:30,565
# And I don't believe
in the existence of angels  #

518
00:26:35,645 --> 00:26:40,885
# But looking at you
I wonder if that's true #

519
00:26:46,045 --> 00:26:50,725
# But if I did
I would summon them together...  #