1 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:11,240 They do make it look easy, don't they, on the telly? 2 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,560 -On the Olympics? -Yeah. 3 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,240 Yeah. I don't think you'll make it this year. 4 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:16,320 -No? -No. 5 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,240 -Oh God. -Oh my God! 6 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,960 -Yeah. -We're just going around. 7 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,720 -People are looking. -They're not! 8 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,160 People are looking at me and going, "Aw." 9 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,000 No, they're looking at me and going, "Aw." 10 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,040 They're going, "Look at him. He's trying to help her, but she's--" 11 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:31,800 -He's not trying to help her! 12 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:36,760 He's just laughing at her and filming her! That's not helping! 13 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:42,760 -Hi. Hi. 14 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,400 The back door was open so I just came in. 15 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,720 -Good. Hungry? -Yes. 16 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,520 -Where do you wanna we go? -Somewhere quick. 17 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,360 -Got to be at work at 10:00. -Okay. 18 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,560 Do you want to go rowing sometime? 19 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,080 -Rowing? -Yes. 20 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,040 Just for a laugh, on the boating pond? 21 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:58,920 Boating pond? Why? 22 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,600 Don't know. I just thought it might be something you might quite like to do. 23 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:04,680 Not really. 24 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,680 See you later! 25 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:07,640 Come on, Em. 26 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:57,480 -Morning. -Morning. 27 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:01,360 You ready? 28 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:02,480 Oh, hold on. 29 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,200 You all right? 30 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,480 -What? -Sit down. 31 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,200 "What?" What kind of greeting is that? Hello. 32 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:15,920 -Wanna come over later-- -No. 33 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:16,880 I haven't finished. 34 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,840 To the house for some dinner. 35 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,240 You could bring Emma. Do a foursome or something. 36 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,440 Me and Emma aren't a twosome. 37 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,400 That's fine. I just mean there'll be four of us. 38 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,080 Right. Well, I'll bring Brian, then, if it's purely mathematical. 39 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,840 God. Nothing is simple with you, is it? 40 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,640 Just bring your nice, platonic friend Emma. 41 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,680 We'll have a nice, grown-up time. 42 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,080 I'll be honest, it'd be good for us. Me and Jill. 43 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,960 It's fun having people over, isn't it? We don't get out much and-- 44 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,760 Well, I think that was part of the problem with the little hiccup in our marriage. 45 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,640 What? Not having people over? 46 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,040 -No. You know what I mean. -No. 47 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,680 Okay, get this, yeah? 48 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,240 Jill thinks I'm not very adventurous. Can you believe that? 49 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,160 Yeah. 50 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,120 But seriously. 51 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,600 It's ridiculous. I've got two cagoules. 52 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,120 Why would I need those if I wasn't adventurous? 53 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:14,160 Or you could say, how adventurous is a man who doesn't like getting his hair wet? 54 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,680 I've been looking at camping gear. 55 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,360 -Wow. -I'm probably gonna buy those boots. 56 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,160 Come on, come over. Please. 57 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,920 Help me prove her wrong. I feel a bit misunderstood. 58 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:26,880 Go on Oprah. 59 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,320 Is there any way to prove her wrong without me being involved? 60 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,840 It's not a big deal! You don't even have to stay long. 61 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,200 Just you and Emma come over, we have some fun, done. 62 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,760 -Don't you have to warn Jill? -No, spontaneous. 63 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:46,000 I mean, I will call her now and tell her. Otherwise she'll get in a bit of a tizz. 64 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,680 She'll want to get ready and we don't usually do a big sit-down meal. 65 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,880 Eat before you come, and then we'll just, you know, have some drinks, 66 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,160 put on some tracks, have a few laughs. 67 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,600 There'll be no laughter. 68 00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,200 7:30? 69 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,360 I'm usually on my second bottle of wine by then. 70 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,280 Okay, perfect. You can drink it at my place. 71 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,560 -Right. -Yeah? 72 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,480 -Okay. -Great. 73 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:06,760 If Emma's up for it. 74 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,320 -Oh. -Thank you. 75 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,200 Oh fucking hell. 76 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,120 -I can hear you. -I know. 77 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,480 -Wait 'til you're out of the office to-- -Come on. 78 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,080 What a shit day already. 79 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:32,840 -Hiya. -Hiya. 80 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,160 How's it going with your friend, Tony? 81 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,080 Hmm. Well, exactly that, really. We're just friends. 82 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,480 Even that's a bit tense at times, to be honest. 83 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,400 We haven't even taken a selfie together. 84 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:46,960 Oh. 85 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,000 Well, he must be mad not to pay you more attention. 86 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,000 Right. 87 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,880 I thought it would be nice to document my 50th novel. 88 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,440 Fifty? Wow. How long have you been writing? 89 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,880 Oh, been writing all my life, dear. It's all I've ever wanted to do. 90 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,680 Wrote my first published novel when I was 15 91 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,480 and I've written at least one a year ever since. 92 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,160 Wow. Who is your publisher? 93 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,840 Self-published, dear. 94 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,680 I designed the cover and everything. It's very professional. 95 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,760 Not in a-- Not in a money-making sense. 96 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,720 I've actually lost money, but, you know, it's a passion, isn't it? 97 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,560 -Yep. -I've got to leave something behind. 98 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,520 I never married or had children or anything, so, you know… 99 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,240 How do you make your money though? 100 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,440 I'm a medium. 101 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,640 Right. 102 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,280 I read people's auras or palms or crystal balls, tea leaves, anything. 103 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,040 But this is my passion. Novels. 104 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,960 And they're all about one person, are they? 105 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:45,920 Yes. 106 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,240 Dr. Barnaby Love, MD. 107 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,280 I combine medical drama with erotic fiction. 108 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,320 "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed." 109 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,640 Why is it "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed"? 110 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:04,360 Well, I always hoped it'd be picked up as a long-running series, like Columbo. 111 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,760 But sadly not. 112 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,600 Mm, my first choice, back in the day, was Roger Moore, 113 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,480 but nowadays it would probably be someone like George Clooney. 114 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:16,000 I mean, he's played a doctor, hasn't he? He'd know what he was doing. 115 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,480 Probably knows more than me. 116 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,760 You haven't had any medical training? 117 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:20,840 No. 118 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,120 -How do you get the technical stuff right? -Eh, just pick things up. 119 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:26,920 Sure. 120 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,400 Would you like me to read a bit from my latest one? 121 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:31,320 Yeah. 122 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:33,600 Open Wide. 123 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,840 Not that bit. That's filth. 124 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,680 Let's have a look. Here's a good bit. 125 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,280 So Dr. Barnaby is, um, operating on someone 126 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,760 that all the top surgeons in the world said could not be saved. 127 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,680 But Dr. Barnaby disagrees. 128 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,320 Okay. "Nurse Stacey mopped his brow." 129 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,720 "'Is that better, Doctor?'" 130 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,080 "Their eyes meet over the masks you have to wear in operating theaters." 131 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,160 "'Please, call me Barnaby.'" 132 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,200 "She blushes. 'Okay, we're going in!'" 133 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,000 "He injects the medicine into the patient's main artery." 134 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,080 "'That should do the trick,' said Barnaby. 'Okay, stitch him up, Nurse.'" 135 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,880 "'Dinner later?' 'Ooh, yes, please,' she said. 'See you at 8.'" 136 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,000 There. 137 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,200 -Does he live? -Who, dear? 138 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,400 The patient. 139 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,560 Oh, I didn't say. Didn't bother with that. 140 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,640 I'm sure he's fine if they got the medicine into the main artery. 141 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,560 Exactly. 142 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:28,360 I wonder why all the top surgeons around the world didn't think of that. 143 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,680 Eh, Dr. Barnaby's special, isn't he? 144 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,440 He's best in the world. 145 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,200 A randy bugger, too, which never hurts. 146 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,960 -Good. Take a picture. -Yep. 147 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,320 Smile. 148 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,280 Ooh. 149 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:43,760 Great. 150 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,280 -Will this be in next week's paper, dear? -Yep. 151 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,280 Could you mention that I'm doing a live reading and book signing 152 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,280 at the Tambury Fair? 153 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,520 Sure. 154 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,240 Oh, good. And do bring your wife along. It's mostly for women. 155 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,680 I, uh-- I don't have a wife. 156 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,400 Oh, gay? Even better. 157 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,040 I'm not gay. Just-- 158 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:04,720 I, uh-- 159 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:05,880 I lost my wife. 160 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,920 Oh, I'm sorry. 161 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,120 Would you like to contact her? 162 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,360 With all my heart. 163 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,800 -Okay. Well-- -No, I mean-- 164 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:14,880 I-- I don't-- 165 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,440 I don't believe in all that. But-- But thank you. 166 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:19,600 This is for you. 167 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,880 Open Wide, though. 168 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,560 I mean, in this context, that only means one thing. 169 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:26,680 -Yeah. -Doesn't it? 170 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,320 I-- I hate that. 171 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,080 He knew we were crossing the road, but he had to save that ten seconds 172 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,840 'cause he's got such an important job as a full-time cunt! 173 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,200 I always wish I had a brick to put through the fucking window. 174 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,160 That'd be the last piece of the jigsaw. 175 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:47,400 You actually carrying a brick around with you, 176 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:48,960 hovering around zebra crossings. 177 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,280 It'd be a social service. I'd be like Batman. 178 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:52,200 But mental. 179 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,280 Yeah. Maybe I'm not grieving. 180 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,920 Maybe I'm just an arsehole. I just like punishing people. 181 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,080 Classic vigilante story, innit? 182 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,520 I am like Batman, or Dexter. 183 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,120 He was a serial killer, but his dad taught him only to kill bad people, 184 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,640 but he was just mental. 185 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:07,880 Or Spider-Man. 186 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,800 His uncle got killed and he went fucking sorting out bad people, didn't he? 187 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,440 Didn't he get bitten by a spider? I don't remember the uncle bit. 188 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,600 Yeah, and then he made himself a poncy little outfit. 189 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,880 I wouldn't bother with that. I'd just wear my own clothes. So, uh-- 190 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,400 Also, I would fucking batter Spider-Man. 191 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,560 Puny little twat in tight kids pajamas? 192 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,480 -He's got Spidey senses though. -Yeah? Stomp! Squashed! 193 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,840 "Dr. Barnaby leaned back on his leather office chair, thoughtful." 194 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:42,200 "He was worried about a patient who had the worst brain tumor he had ever seen." 195 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,600 "There was a knock at the door. 'Come in,' said Dr. Barnaby." 196 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,360 "The door opened to reveal Nurse Cindy, 197 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,520 the most attractive nurse in the hospital." Obviously. 198 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,200 "'Oh sorry,' she said. 'The ladies changing rooms are out of order, 199 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,000 so I wondered if I could change here, as you're a doctor.'" 200 00:10:58,080 --> 00:10:59,760 "'Of course,' said Dr. Barnaby." 201 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,160 "'I'm a surgeon, 202 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,560 so a naked female body 203 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,560 isn't the same as it would be to the average red-blooded male.'" 204 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,880 I can't read any more. 205 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,280 -Read it. -No, you read it. 206 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:09,720 Oh God. 207 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,800 "Nurse Cindy starts to slowly undress. She was sexy as hell, 208 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,320 and she notices Dr. Barnaby looking at her differently 209 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,320 than he would if he was operating on her." 210 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,520 -"'Do I look well, Doctor?'" 211 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,960 "'I'll say,' said Dr. Barnaby." 212 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,080 "'Think you'd better check my pulse, Nurse.'" 213 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,000 It's sort of sweet, really. Sort of old-fashioned and hopeful. 214 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,560 And she's a fortune teller too. 215 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,040 -She said she is, yeah. -Why would she lie? 216 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,000 -'Cause it's impossible. -Nothing's impossible. 217 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:38,160 I'm out. 218 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,040 Just 'cause you haven't seen something doesn't mean it isn't real. 219 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,440 What if no one's seen it? 220 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,000 Could be invisible. 221 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,760 -Yeah. -Could I visit her? 222 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,120 You know, to investigate it? 223 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,080 -If you want. -I'd go in with an open mind. 224 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,040 You know, if you go in thinking it isn't real, then you'll never believe. 225 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,520 Should I arrange that, then? 226 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:58,880 Yeah. 227 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,360 Now I wish I was covering the story. 228 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:04,800 Oh, here he is. 229 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,680 I told you to wait outside. 230 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:13,160 He's giving me a lift to a meeting. We're not an item, obviously. 231 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,240 I just like turning up in a Rolls-Royce. He knows that, don't you? 232 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,240 -Yeah. -Yeah, works out well. 233 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,920 -What's in it for you, Colin? -People think he's got a girlfriend. 234 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,680 But he knows that can never be the case. Shame. 235 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,960 What, with the Rolls-Royce and him being a self-made millionaire and a nice bloke, 236 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,400 it would've been perfect, if not for the obvious. 237 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,000 -What? -The face! Duh. 238 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:41,080 Yeah, the face. Even my mum calls me the ugly one. 239 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,480 And you're okay with that, Colin? 240 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,240 It's heartbreaking. 241 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,640 I'm destroyed. 242 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,440 I used to wish I was dead growing up. But what can you do? 243 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,240 Exactly, and that is why I want everyone to know he's not my boyfriend. 244 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,360 Maybe you should wear a chauffeur's hat. 245 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,400 Or a chauffeur's mask. 246 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:06,320 -She fancied him for a bit, didn't she? -She did, Colin. She did. 247 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,840 She's obviously got a type. 248 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,040 Anyway, come on, we'll be late. 249 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,120 Come on. 250 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,400 Like a dog. 251 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,400 -Could you get back to work, please? -No way. It's not worth it. 252 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,000 Please. Come on. Wasted enough time. 253 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,160 Hey, here's a new one. 254 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,240 -What's worse than a maggot in your apple? -Dunno. 255 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,760 Finding your ex-wife in Safeway's car park 256 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,360 getting gangbanged by some Dutch lorry drivers. 257 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,760 Yeah, finding a maggot in your apple's nothing after that, boy. Trust me. 258 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,160 Anyway, I'm gonna start taking my comedy a little bit more seriously. 259 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,640 Life has kicked the shit out of me in recent years, 260 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,320 but I've reached rock bottom so the only way is up, innit? 261 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,000 Yeah. As for me, like, Ken's getting me a couple of auditions here and there. 262 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,560 Like small bits and stuff like that. 263 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:06,520 -Shit. -What? 264 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,400 I can't believe it. 265 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,800 My ex-wife and Micky the Gypsy. 266 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,360 Is he violent? 267 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,160 Absolutely psycho. 268 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,800 Mind you, I've seen her bottle a traffic warden. Aye. 269 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,640 You do the mathematics. 270 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,360 Heya. 271 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,240 -All right? -All right. 272 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,120 All right, Micky? Yeah? 273 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,720 James, this is Micky. And this is my ex-wife, Elizabeth. 274 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,920 Hiya. 275 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,120 -All right? -Still together, then? 276 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,400 On and off, yeah. 277 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,240 She was shagging Spud Head for a while. 278 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,200 He caught us at it, didn't you? 279 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:45,800 Awkward. 280 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,120 It wasn't awkward. 281 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,400 Gave me the excuse to smash the granny out of the cunt. 282 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:54,600 Bloodbath, wasn't it? 283 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,120 Proper mess. 284 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,920 -Turned out quite well, really. -You know me. 285 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,920 I like to look at things in a positive way. 286 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,280 I know you do, mate. 287 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,720 My problem is I just want to try and please everyone. 288 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,360 She's a slag, mate. 289 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:10,600 He knows. 290 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,960 You well though? You well though? 291 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:14,920 Can't complain. 292 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,520 Anyway, always nice to see you. 293 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,280 I'll just, uh, see you later. 294 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,320 -Be lucky. -Yeah. 295 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,240 Bye. 296 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,320 We'll, uh, ease past Elizabeth's hip. 297 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,960 -Yeah, do the one-wheel trick. -That's it. 298 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,440 That's how pathetic your best mate is, James. 299 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,000 -You are not pathetic, sir! -Proper loser. 300 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,320 -Not compared to me though. -You're joking, aren't you? 301 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,800 -No. -You can sing, dance. 302 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,720 Play two recorders with your nose. You can knit. You're great with wool. 303 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:52,600 You're great with wool. 304 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,160 If you're a loser, what chance have the rest of us got? 305 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,240 Cheers, mate. 306 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,320 Do you wanna go up the tip? See if there's any action? 307 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,080 You betcha! I've got to swing by my agent's first, if that's all right. 308 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,040 -I'll come with you, boy. -Right. 309 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:16,800 All right? 310 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:18,360 Yes. 311 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,160 I was just saying to Stan you'd be along soon. 312 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,160 Right. 313 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,960 -Good day at work? -Yep. 314 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,240 -You still talk to him? -Every day. 315 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,640 Not just here. Everywhere. 316 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,920 I don't get funny looks at home though. 317 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,840 It really helps. 318 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,480 Saying it out loud, I mean. 319 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,160 You hear yourself. 320 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:51,520 Yeah, I've never been one for talking to myself. I'd probably argue. 321 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,240 You wouldn't be talking to yourself. 322 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,040 No. 323 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,600 I do feel like she's still here. 324 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,600 And it's like I'm in two minds. 325 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,560 One knows the truth. 326 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:07,720 She died. 327 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:09,640 Logical. 328 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,000 There's no heaven. No reincarnation, no ghosts. 329 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,240 I know that. 330 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,840 But then I feel her 331 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:22,480 inside me. 332 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:24,360 All the time. 333 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,160 Like she's still part of me, guiding me. 334 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,160 It's weird. 335 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,160 That's because you're human, 336 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,160 and nothing really makes sense. 337 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,680 Look at you, Kierkegaard. 338 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,360 It's okay to have feelings, you know. 339 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,000 Things that aren't logical. 340 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,520 Science makes us understand how to stay alive longer. 341 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,480 Feelings give us the reason to want to. 342 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,640 Or not want to. 343 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,440 I was doing so well. 344 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:09,480 I'm fine. 345 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,200 Hmm. 346 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,080 -Mum. -Hello, darling. What are you doing here? 347 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,960 I'm here for a business meeting. 348 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,480 -Aw, bless ya. -What are you doing here? 349 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,120 -She's doing my highlights. -Yeah, helping out. 350 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,480 Never mind that. What are we gonna do with you? 351 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,600 Still delivering local newspapers? What's he like? 352 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,120 Well, I've got to earn money. Mum says I'm old enough now to pay rent. 353 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,680 It's only fair, isn't it, Ken? 354 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,200 Oh, hanging round with losers though? 355 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,640 -No offense. -None taken. 356 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,000 Me and Brian are a team. 357 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,880 -He wants representation too. -For what? 358 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,760 -To pursue his stand-up. -Big time. 359 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,160 I'm ready. I wanna go for it. 360 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,440 I'm tired of having my confidence destroyed 361 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:57,720 and being useless. 362 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:58,760 You are useless though. 363 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,160 You've got absolutely no chance of getting anywhere in comedy. 364 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,400 I can feel my bravado ebbing away. 365 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,240 You said you could make anyone a star. 366 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,600 I'm not bloody magic! 367 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,080 -He's not bloody magic, mate. -I'd be wasting my time on that. 368 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,840 -Pointless, innit? -That's not the attitude! 369 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,160 -Oh, is it not? -No, it isn't! 370 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,840 -You do it, then. -I will! 371 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,720 Good! Keep you busy, 'cause I can't get you any work at all. 372 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,640 Brilliant. 373 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,640 -Don't matter though. -What doesn't? 374 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:22,840 Being a loser. 375 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,400 I still love ya. 376 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:27,600 That's nice. 377 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,800 -Oh, all right? -Yeah, you? 378 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,800 Yeah. You know, bearing up under the circumstances. 379 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,440 -What circumstances? -Well, Roxy. 380 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,040 What's happened to Roxy? 381 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,000 -You know. -No, what? 382 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,920 -Well, she's my bird now, isn't she? -Yeah. 383 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:05,720 And? 384 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,480 And she's sucking off blokes left, right, and center, isn't she? 385 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:09,400 Oh, right. 386 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:11,320 I don't know. 387 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,480 -You do know 'cause I'm telling ya. -Yeah, but why? 388 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,400 -It plays on my mind. -Okay, right. 389 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,160 I don't know what you want me to say. 390 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:22,400 Gas bill. 391 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:23,840 Right. 392 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:26,720 See ya. 393 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,600 See ya. 394 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:42,840 Ugh. 395 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,680 It's nice, innit, just to-- 396 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,720 -just to sit down. 397 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,160 -End of the day. -Yeah. 398 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,560 I've actually been sat down most of the day at the-- 399 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,200 You weren't wearing a pink jumper at work though, were you? 400 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,440 It's not. It's salmon. 401 00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,760 Salmon pink, yeah. 402 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,120 With no T-shirt on underneath. Interesting. 403 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,320 Just like the feel of wool against your skin? 404 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,040 Well, it's merino wool, so it's super soft. Um-- 405 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,440 -You were a bit hot. -I did have a T-shirt on, yeah. 406 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:14,400 So I thought, 407 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,080 "T-shirt off, jumper on." 408 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,560 -Sure. -And never looked back. 409 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,000 Oh, um, 410 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,600 -Jill got you a house plant. -I mean, it's for both of you. 411 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,200 How can a house plant be for both of us? 412 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,880 -I live alone. -Well, I just-- 413 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,400 I can look at it when I come round. 414 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,800 Um, she was just being polite, okay? 415 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,800 -So Emma didn't feel left out. -Right. 416 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:42,360 Thank you. 417 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,080 Don't water it too much. Um-- 418 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,480 It's a cactus, so-- 419 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,520 I like your painting. 420 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,360 It's one of Lisa's. 421 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,960 -It's not one of her best. -What do you mean? 422 00:21:58,040 --> 00:21:59,880 -No, I just-- -If you don't like it, I'll have it. 423 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,000 I do like it. I'm just saying that's how good an artist she was, 424 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:04,560 that it's not one of her best. 425 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,520 -Right. -Please don't be like this, okay? 426 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,720 Uh, I think I'm gonna go. 427 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,880 -Okay, am I coming with you? -No. 428 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,960 I'm not in the mood. I knew I wouldn't be. But, no, seriously, stay. 429 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,480 Uh, I'll be fine. 430 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:24,480 Thank you. 431 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,240 -Uh, I-- 432 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,520 I'm so sorry about that. 433 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,880 He's still not well. 434 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,440 He's fine. 435 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,640 He's obviously still in love with Lisa, and I'm never gonna be a substitute, 436 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,160 and I think he wants everyone to know that. 437 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,080 -We think you're so-- -Cool. 438 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,160 -Great for-- -Very-- Very good. 439 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:52,520 -Patient. -And kind. 440 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,400 -Well, I'm a grown-up.  441 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,480 Don't overwater it. 442 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:19,520 Cunt. 443 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,000 Thoughts? 444 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,240 Best snowman ever! 445 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,120 -Snowperson! -Oh. Yeah. 446 00:23:58,200 --> 00:23:59,320 -Yeah. -My bad. 447 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,320 -Could be either gender. -Mm-hmm. 448 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,040 {\an8}With a carrot for her massive cock. 449 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,800 -Correct! -You hadn't thought it through. 450 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,840 Picking me up on sexist language! 451 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,080 {\an8}It's a lovely cock.