1 00:00:07,763 --> 00:00:08,883 -[Tony] Boing. -[Lisa] Boing. 2 00:00:08,963 --> 00:00:10,963 -[Tony] Boing. -[Lisa laughs] Hang on. 3 00:00:11,683 --> 00:00:12,523 [Tony] Boing! 4 00:00:12,603 --> 00:00:14,603 [laughs] 5 00:00:14,683 --> 00:00:15,523 [Tony] Boing! 6 00:00:16,443 --> 00:00:18,323 -[Matt] Do you think she likes it? -[Tony] Boing! 7 00:00:18,403 --> 00:00:19,363 Yeah. 8 00:00:19,443 --> 00:00:21,003 -[Jill] Look at her face. -[Tony] Boing! 9 00:00:21,083 --> 00:00:22,883 -[Jill] Oh, I want a dog. -No. 10 00:00:22,963 --> 00:00:24,443 Yeah, let's get a dog. 11 00:00:24,523 --> 00:00:26,883 No, because they don't live that long, do they? 12 00:00:26,963 --> 00:00:28,843 -Then it's really sad-- -What? 13 00:00:28,923 --> 00:00:31,203 Sorry, Brandy, but it's true that-- 14 00:00:31,283 --> 00:00:34,083 you know, it's just incredibly upsetting when dogs die. 15 00:00:34,163 --> 00:00:38,683 [Tony] Yeah, I mean-- Which brings me to my next point, Dad. 16 00:00:38,763 --> 00:00:40,763 It's getting to that time when we need 17 00:00:40,843 --> 00:00:43,043 to start thinking about your funeral, mate. 18 00:00:43,123 --> 00:00:46,683 [gasps] Leave him alone! You've got 20 years, Ray. 19 00:00:46,763 --> 00:00:49,443 -I hope not. -What sort of a question is that? 20 00:00:49,523 --> 00:00:51,603 [Tony] Well, we need to know, don't we? 21 00:00:51,683 --> 00:00:52,923 Well, what about you? 22 00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:54,563 [Tony] Don't care. You? 23 00:00:55,483 --> 00:00:57,523 I wanna be buried in the churchyard. 24 00:00:57,603 --> 00:00:59,763 And then people can bring flowers every day and cry. 25 00:00:59,843 --> 00:01:03,363 [Tony] For the first couple of days maybe. Then it's, "Oh, fuck it, it's raining." 26 00:01:03,443 --> 00:01:05,443 -[Jill laughs] That's nice. -Cremated. 27 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:09,243 [Tony] See? Yeah. Exactly. No fuss. Not selfish. 28 00:01:09,323 --> 00:01:13,723 And I want you to scatter my ashes in Midlake, where I met your mum. 29 00:01:13,803 --> 00:01:17,483 [Tony] Yeah, I'm not going all the way to Midlake just for that, I'll be honest. 30 00:01:17,563 --> 00:01:21,003 -It's only an hour or so drive. -[Tony] Yeah, I don't drive, do I? 31 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:24,323 Well, it's my last request! [laughs] 32 00:01:24,403 --> 00:01:27,803 [Tony] So? Okay, I'll say yes now, but then you won't know, will you? 33 00:01:27,883 --> 00:01:31,123 -I just won't bother when it comes to it. -Where in Midlake, Ray? 34 00:01:31,203 --> 00:01:32,683 Uh, The Traveler's Friend. 35 00:01:32,763 --> 00:01:35,883 A lovely old pub. I proposed there as well. 36 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:39,083 -[Tony] It's probably a phone shop now. -What do you think about that? 37 00:01:39,163 --> 00:01:41,883 Your only son won't drive up the road to scatter your ashes. 38 00:01:41,963 --> 00:01:45,403 -He'll do it. He's a good boy. -Aw. 39 00:01:45,483 --> 00:01:47,483 [slow music playing] 40 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,443 [dog whimpers] 41 00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:03,163 Oh, hi. You all right? 42 00:02:03,243 --> 00:02:04,683 What do you think? 43 00:02:05,323 --> 00:02:07,003 -No? -Correct. 44 00:02:07,883 --> 00:02:10,763 It's getting too much. What can I do? 45 00:02:11,803 --> 00:02:15,763 I dunno. You knew what she did for a living. You were all right with it. 46 00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:19,243 But I didn't think she'd still be doing it when we became an item. 47 00:02:19,883 --> 00:02:21,363 Doesn't happen in the movies, does it? 48 00:02:21,963 --> 00:02:24,163 Richard Gere doesn't turn up in a white limousine 49 00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:25,963 and climb up the fire escape 50 00:02:26,043 --> 00:02:28,043 and Julia Roberts says, "Oh, can you give us a sec?" 51 00:02:28,123 --> 00:02:30,443 "I'm just sucking off Bobby Chang, the dry cleaner." 52 00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:34,443 -How do you know she sucked him off? -Oh, he told me. 53 00:02:34,523 --> 00:02:38,363 He didn't know she was my missus. I didn't say anything. I just felt sick. 54 00:02:39,043 --> 00:02:39,963 I was in shock. 55 00:02:41,003 --> 00:02:42,403 I just feel so depressed. 56 00:02:42,483 --> 00:02:46,283 -Well, maybe you should talk to her. -[Pat] I can't! I feel stupid. 57 00:02:46,363 --> 00:02:48,043 Why don't you talk to her? 58 00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:50,523 No, definitely not! I haven't seen her for ages. 59 00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,883 She doesn't come around now. I assumed she was busy. 60 00:02:52,963 --> 00:02:54,523 Oh yeah, she's busy all right. 61 00:02:55,203 --> 00:02:56,043 Sure. 62 00:02:58,043 --> 00:03:00,643 -Well, you should talk to someone. -I am. 63 00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:02,203 -I'm not qualified-- -Yes, you are. 64 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:05,243 You were depressed and suicidal, weren't you? 65 00:03:05,323 --> 00:03:07,923 -You're not suicidal, are you? -No, couldn't be arsed. 66 00:03:08,003 --> 00:03:10,843 -Good. -Come on, help us out. It's your fault! 67 00:03:10,923 --> 00:03:11,963 Oh, right. 68 00:03:12,043 --> 00:03:12,963 Oh, please? 69 00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:14,243 [scoffs] 70 00:03:14,323 --> 00:03:16,603 Let me have a think. Fuck's sake! 71 00:03:19,043 --> 00:03:19,883 Go on. 72 00:03:21,843 --> 00:03:23,843 [piano music playing] 73 00:03:34,403 --> 00:03:35,883 -Hi. -[Emma] Hi. 74 00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:37,363 Um, 75 00:03:37,883 --> 00:03:41,683 I've decided to go on a little trip to scatter my dad's ashes. 76 00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:44,563 Oh, that's sweet. Where? 77 00:03:44,643 --> 00:03:47,643 Um, a little village where he proposed to Mum. 78 00:03:48,323 --> 00:03:49,763 His last wish and all that. 79 00:03:50,283 --> 00:03:51,483 My ashes? 80 00:03:52,883 --> 00:03:54,963 No, not your ashes. 81 00:03:56,043 --> 00:03:57,243 You're not dead yet, are you? 82 00:03:58,163 --> 00:04:01,083 Also, you're not my dad, remember? 83 00:04:01,843 --> 00:04:03,563 Uh, am I adopted? 84 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:05,723 Fuck me, it's like I've got a replacement. 85 00:04:05,803 --> 00:04:09,163 That would probably work out quite well 'cause his own son never sees him. 86 00:04:09,243 --> 00:04:12,483 Barely had time to stick him in here before he emigrated to Australia. 87 00:04:12,563 --> 00:04:13,883 -[Tony] Yeah? -Okay? 88 00:04:14,443 --> 00:04:16,763 -Oh. -Life's cruel. [sighs] 89 00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:19,683 [Emma] Drink it up, then. Yeah. 90 00:04:19,763 --> 00:04:21,723 Hey. Hey. Hmm. 91 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:22,643 Okay? 92 00:04:25,763 --> 00:04:27,283 [groans] 93 00:04:28,043 --> 00:04:30,963 That was touch and go. Like a goldfish on the carpet. 94 00:04:31,603 --> 00:04:33,523 -Where? -No, there's no-- 95 00:04:33,603 --> 00:04:34,443 There we go. 96 00:04:34,523 --> 00:04:35,723 -[Emma chuckles] -[chuckles] 97 00:04:41,763 --> 00:04:43,003 How's your new place? 98 00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:46,323 Uh, well, I'm grateful to Ken. 99 00:04:46,403 --> 00:04:50,923 But, like, you know, he's not charging me, and it is better than living at home, but 100 00:04:51,843 --> 00:04:54,123 he keeps coming round looking for me. 101 00:04:54,643 --> 00:04:58,123 Honestly, I hear him on the stairs and I just freeze, 102 00:04:58,203 --> 00:05:00,243 and then he tries the door and then I'm just-- 103 00:05:00,763 --> 00:05:04,963 I've started staying quiet until he goes away. I'm living like Anne Frank. 104 00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:06,323 [laughs] 105 00:05:06,403 --> 00:05:07,523 You'll find somewhere better. 106 00:05:07,603 --> 00:05:08,603 Hmm. 107 00:05:09,123 --> 00:05:11,763 Hello, darling. I'm Ratty. This is the Nonce. 108 00:05:11,843 --> 00:05:15,083 All right? We're here about a story. We do a podcast. 109 00:05:15,163 --> 00:05:16,763 -Oy, oy. Here he is. -Hey! Hey! 110 00:05:16,843 --> 00:05:19,563 Remember us, son? You want to cover our story in your paper. 111 00:05:19,643 --> 00:05:22,843 We do a podcast with your ex-shrink, you fucking psycho! [laughs] 112 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,323 You're psychiatrists? 113 00:05:24,403 --> 00:05:27,083 No, not us! No, we're in finance. 114 00:05:27,163 --> 00:05:29,403 But the thing we share is that we're men, 115 00:05:29,483 --> 00:05:32,003 and we're proud of it. 116 00:05:32,083 --> 00:05:36,403 And that's what the podcast is all about. It's just encouraging men to be men. 117 00:05:36,483 --> 00:05:39,563 Although it is inclusive. We do get some birds listening in. 118 00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:42,883 Mainly ones that are sick of all this fucking new man bollocks. [laughs] 119 00:05:42,963 --> 00:05:45,763 But we just want to help the world man up. 120 00:05:45,843 --> 00:05:47,843 Listen. We talk about it all day. Why don't we-- 121 00:05:47,923 --> 00:05:49,003 Get it out! 122 00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:52,443 We'll broadcast on Twitter and show you how we do the work. 123 00:05:52,523 --> 00:05:53,523 [Nonce] This is exciting. 124 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,803 [Ratty] Send out a notification to the followers. 125 00:05:55,883 --> 00:05:58,763 -Get on the live and here we go. -Tell them we're here. 126 00:05:58,843 --> 00:06:00,083 Hello, you fucking shits! 127 00:06:00,163 --> 00:06:01,243 You dickheads! 128 00:06:01,323 --> 00:06:03,963 We're here at The Tambury Gazette doing an interview. 129 00:06:04,043 --> 00:06:05,323 Say hello, darling. Go on. 130 00:06:05,403 --> 00:06:06,243 I'd rather not. 131 00:06:06,323 --> 00:06:08,363 Oh, she's shy! But that's all right. 132 00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:11,203 We're just doing this as a test. Main broadcast tonight. 133 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:14,363 -[Nonce] Testing. Testing my testicles! -[Ratty] Testing one, two, three. 134 00:06:14,443 --> 00:06:17,283 Testing my testicles all over. Oh my God, they're so full! 135 00:06:17,363 --> 00:06:19,003 -They're so full of jizz. -[Ratty laughs] 136 00:06:19,083 --> 00:06:19,963 Ooh. 137 00:06:20,043 --> 00:06:22,163 Done a sex wee, all in your in-tray! 138 00:06:22,243 --> 00:06:24,403 Tested my testes all over your nan! 139 00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:27,563 I was all like, "Crack, crack, crack," right in her fucking mooey. 140 00:06:27,643 --> 00:06:30,323 She was like, "Oh, thanks, darling. I needed that." 141 00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:31,523 "What you been eating?" 142 00:06:31,603 --> 00:06:33,323 Don't worry about that, Nana. 143 00:06:33,403 --> 00:06:36,043 Don't slip over on all that hairy monkey slosh plop. 144 00:06:36,123 --> 00:06:39,803 -As for you, gammon_69-- -Okay, guys. Guys! Okay, that's enough. 145 00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:43,323 -Come on. This is an office. -"Guys, this is an office!" 146 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,443 Fucking hell, Prince Andrew's kicking off, isn't he? 147 00:06:45,523 --> 00:06:48,043 You fucking rotter! Get back in your fucking box! 148 00:06:48,123 --> 00:06:51,523 -I'm only fucking about. -He's just taking the piss. Don't worry. 149 00:06:51,603 --> 00:06:54,163 Ratty and the Nonce Podcast. Namaste. 150 00:06:54,243 --> 00:06:55,883 Health and well-being section, yeah? 151 00:06:55,963 --> 00:06:59,403 Um, I'll get that written up. Thanks for the scoop. Cheers, boys. 152 00:07:01,123 --> 00:07:02,043 [sighs] 153 00:07:03,083 --> 00:07:06,883 I was that close to getting a bit physical there. 154 00:07:09,443 --> 00:07:11,283 But violence isn't the answer, so, 155 00:07:12,523 --> 00:07:14,283 definitely not, no. 156 00:07:21,003 --> 00:07:25,203 -Getting the hang of how things work? -Yeah, yeah, I think so. Getting there. 157 00:07:39,123 --> 00:07:41,683 Come through. There's a bit more space in here. 158 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,923 Ooh. Has one of you pumped? 159 00:07:46,443 --> 00:07:48,483 -No, that's the house. -Oh. 160 00:07:48,563 --> 00:07:51,483 Brian smells the same. You can sniff him. He smells the same. 161 00:07:53,163 --> 00:07:54,203 Oh, yeah. 162 00:07:55,163 --> 00:07:56,763 -That's your smell, innit? -Yes. 163 00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:59,803 Yeah. Sort of like poo and wee and sweat. 164 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:01,763 And fear and shame. 165 00:08:01,843 --> 00:08:03,203 [chuckles] Mainly shit. 166 00:08:03,763 --> 00:08:06,003 -Whatever works for you, mate. -Cheers. 167 00:08:07,523 --> 00:08:08,403 Hmm. 168 00:08:08,483 --> 00:08:10,883 Do you mind if I clear all this junk up, Brian? 169 00:08:13,683 --> 00:08:15,163 Yeah, go for it. 170 00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:20,003 Do you mind if I don't watch? 171 00:08:21,323 --> 00:08:22,163 Bit emotional. 172 00:08:25,603 --> 00:08:26,443 Right. 173 00:08:27,763 --> 00:08:29,523 -Let's get crackin'. -[Brian] Yeah. 174 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,883 -Tired? -A little bit. 175 00:08:41,603 --> 00:08:43,603 I won't take long. Um-- 176 00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:44,523 So, 177 00:08:45,123 --> 00:08:49,123 when did you get banned from the all-you-can-eat buffet? 178 00:08:49,683 --> 00:08:50,523 [Ewen] Last month. 179 00:08:51,043 --> 00:08:52,283 Still angry about it. 180 00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:57,803 -Sure. And what reason did they give? -Oh, they were perfectly honest. 181 00:08:57,883 --> 00:08:59,963 They said I was putting them out of business. 182 00:09:00,603 --> 00:09:01,963 They'd never seen anything like it. 183 00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:05,643 I mean, they'd given me a few warnings for eating too much, but 184 00:09:06,163 --> 00:09:09,563 I said, "How can I eat too much if it's all I can eat'?" 185 00:09:09,643 --> 00:09:11,003 Mm. 186 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:13,963 Good point. And, uh, how often did you go? 187 00:09:14,043 --> 00:09:15,963 Every day. Lunch and dinner. 188 00:09:16,603 --> 00:09:18,003 You went twice a day? 189 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:21,643 No, just once, from lunch until dinner. 190 00:09:22,483 --> 00:09:25,643 Then I was full. And I could hardly walk home some days. 191 00:09:26,163 --> 00:09:31,723 And so you went every day for, what, six hours? 192 00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:35,283 Yeah, six or seven hours. I wasn't eating the whole time. 193 00:09:36,283 --> 00:09:39,403 I mean, I'd fall asleep now and again, but 194 00:09:40,323 --> 00:09:43,163 I'd wake up if someone came to clear my plate away. 195 00:09:45,483 --> 00:09:48,683 Right, and how much did it cost? 196 00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:52,283 Ten pounds per person per visit. 197 00:09:53,043 --> 00:09:54,923 That's why I went once and stayed. 198 00:09:55,443 --> 00:09:57,283 You know, I was really getting my money's worth. 199 00:09:57,363 --> 00:10:00,163 I mean, most people can manage two or three slices of pizza 200 00:10:00,243 --> 00:10:02,123 and a couple of portions of pasta, 201 00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:04,923 but pizza's mostly bread and pasta costs nothing, 202 00:10:05,003 --> 00:10:08,083 so that's how the restaurant makes its profits. 203 00:10:08,803 --> 00:10:11,283 I would get 20 or 30 slices of pizza, 204 00:10:11,883 --> 00:10:13,643 scrape off the toppings. 205 00:10:13,723 --> 00:10:15,523 I'd leave the base. 206 00:10:15,603 --> 00:10:16,603 Decoy. 207 00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:18,963 Same with the spaghetti Bolognese. 208 00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:20,883 I'd make about 15 trips, 209 00:10:20,963 --> 00:10:23,803 and I'd pick all the meat out of the spaghetti. 210 00:10:24,883 --> 00:10:29,003 Was left with about five pounds of beef. 211 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,243 I had all the time in the world. 212 00:10:33,683 --> 00:10:35,843 -You don't work? -No. 213 00:10:35,923 --> 00:10:38,403 Took early retirement to get disability benefits. 214 00:10:38,483 --> 00:10:42,563 Oh, um, if you don't mind me asking, um, what's wrong with you? 215 00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:44,163 Well, look at me. 216 00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:46,763 I'm absolutely fucked. 217 00:10:48,883 --> 00:10:50,883 Where exactly is this place? 218 00:10:50,963 --> 00:10:53,323 -Just take a picture. -Yeah? Okay. 219 00:10:55,083 --> 00:10:57,603 -Smile. -[camera clicks] 220 00:10:57,683 --> 00:10:58,523 Great. 221 00:11:00,043 --> 00:11:01,403 [Tony] That annoyed me. 222 00:11:01,483 --> 00:11:02,723 -Because he's greedy? -No. 223 00:11:02,803 --> 00:11:05,323 -Well, yeah, he is greedy, obviously. -[man chattering] 224 00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,443 But he's right. 225 00:11:06,523 --> 00:11:08,203 They're building their brand 226 00:11:08,283 --> 00:11:10,763 on the promise that you can eat as much as you want. 227 00:11:10,843 --> 00:11:12,123 A babyccino afterwards? 228 00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:16,403 You can't suddenly renege on the deal 'cause someone eats too much or too often 229 00:11:16,483 --> 00:11:19,283 or you've got to change the rules. For everyone though. 230 00:11:19,363 --> 00:11:20,763 -Be upfront. -The quinoa? 231 00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:24,083 -[laughs] You love your quinoa. -[sighs] There's no honor anymore. 232 00:11:24,163 --> 00:11:25,803 [man] Have you done a big, farmyard poo? 233 00:11:25,883 --> 00:11:28,363 -Oh, for fuck's sake. -You okay? 234 00:11:28,883 --> 00:11:31,603 -Yeah, why? -You just said, "For fuck's sake," so-- 235 00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:34,203 And you assumed summat had annoyed me? 236 00:11:34,283 --> 00:11:37,483 -Like someone making unnecessary noise? -Oh shit. 237 00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:40,363 -[sighs] He's a baby. -[chuckles] 238 00:11:40,443 --> 00:11:43,283 Yeah, but he's not the one making all the noise, is he? You are. 239 00:11:43,363 --> 00:11:46,683 To keep him amused. 'Cause if he was crying, that would annoy people. 240 00:11:46,763 --> 00:11:50,243 No, 'cause he's a baby. You making all the noise is the annoying bit. 241 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:52,923 They're sounds. They shouldn't concern you. 242 00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,963 You talk to your friend. I talk to my child. 243 00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:58,003 But you can't hear every word I'm saying, can you? 244 00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:00,443 So what? There's noise around. That's life. 245 00:12:00,523 --> 00:12:01,843 Okay. Good point. 246 00:12:05,843 --> 00:12:07,243 Who's a noisy prick? 247 00:12:07,843 --> 00:12:10,763 -You are! You big annoying prick! -Well, that's pathetic. 248 00:12:10,843 --> 00:12:13,883 -Sorry, I'm talking to a friend. -Saying things others don't want to hear. 249 00:12:13,963 --> 00:12:16,123 So are you, but you don't care, so-- 250 00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:19,763 Yeah! You're a big, loud cock. Yes, you are! 251 00:12:20,283 --> 00:12:23,323 You're a hipster, gnome-looking fucking twat! 252 00:12:23,403 --> 00:12:27,363 You big, annoying, loud cock in public! You are. 253 00:12:27,443 --> 00:12:30,243 You're a cunt. You are. You are. You're a cunt! 254 00:12:30,323 --> 00:12:31,403 I'm gonna… 255 00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:33,923 [blows raspberry and babbles] 256 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:35,923 Big belly! You cunt! [blows raspberry] 257 00:12:36,003 --> 00:12:37,723 You big fucking cunt! 258 00:12:38,283 --> 00:12:42,363 [blowing raspberries] You big fucking cunt! 259 00:12:44,803 --> 00:12:46,003 They're just sounds. 260 00:12:55,603 --> 00:12:59,043 [Matt] I'll tell you what, I'll drive you to the table tennis, and we'll go together 261 00:12:59,763 --> 00:13:00,963 -to Midlake. -[Tony] Okay. 262 00:13:01,043 --> 00:13:02,603 -[Matt] It'll be fun. -[Tony] All right. 263 00:13:02,683 --> 00:13:06,043 [Matt] We'll do sort of a road trip. Get some snacks and CDs. It'll be great. 264 00:13:06,123 --> 00:13:08,243 -Yeah. Cheers. -[Matt] Okay, good. 265 00:13:09,603 --> 00:13:12,403 [sighs] Well, that's the rest of my day sorted. 266 00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:14,683 I'm playing him at table tennis, 267 00:13:14,763 --> 00:13:18,003 and then he's driving me to Midlake to scatter my dad's ashes. 268 00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:20,043 Sounds like quite an exciting day. 269 00:13:20,123 --> 00:13:21,683 [sighs] Yeah. 270 00:13:22,763 --> 00:13:25,323 Fucking hell. What a bunch of losers we are. 271 00:13:25,403 --> 00:13:27,603 -Speak for yourself. -[Tony] Well, I was. 272 00:13:27,683 --> 00:13:30,403 But also for anyone else who's a loser like me. 273 00:13:30,923 --> 00:13:33,363 Matt thinks he's adventurous 'cause he owns a cagoule. 274 00:13:33,443 --> 00:13:37,043 Lenny gets excited if he finds an uneaten biscuit in his pocket. Come on. 275 00:13:38,043 --> 00:13:41,603 You're right. [sighs] I've absolutely nothing interesting in my life. 276 00:13:44,243 --> 00:13:45,323 Well, that's not true. 277 00:13:45,403 --> 00:13:47,803 Got a pretend boyfriend. I hate my job. 278 00:13:48,883 --> 00:13:51,843 I'd rather do what you do, but I've lost my nerve. 279 00:13:53,403 --> 00:13:56,923 Yeah, I can't date anymore. All the best men are taken. 280 00:13:58,483 --> 00:14:00,683 You know, or gay or mental. 281 00:14:02,803 --> 00:14:05,443 I made a list for my perfect bloke. How tragic is that? 282 00:14:05,523 --> 00:14:08,323 Oh, yeah, I've done that. What's on yours? 283 00:14:08,403 --> 00:14:11,243 Own car, house, own business, no kids. 284 00:14:11,323 --> 00:14:14,763 Smart, you know, proper bloke. What was on yours? 285 00:14:14,843 --> 00:14:16,963 Must have a face and a cock. 286 00:14:17,043 --> 00:14:19,283 [Tony chuckles] 287 00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:25,123 Kath. Fancy a coffee? 288 00:14:26,043 --> 00:14:26,883 Yeah. 289 00:14:31,683 --> 00:14:34,083 [sighs] I can't be bothered anymore. 290 00:14:34,843 --> 00:14:36,243 I mean, what's the point, eh? 291 00:14:36,323 --> 00:14:38,043 Yeah, I know how you feel. 292 00:14:38,123 --> 00:14:38,963 Oh. 293 00:14:39,483 --> 00:14:40,443 Excuse me? 294 00:14:41,043 --> 00:14:43,163 -Kath. -What? 295 00:14:43,843 --> 00:14:44,683 What? 296 00:14:45,883 --> 00:14:48,203 I thought you were gonna ask my name. 297 00:14:48,283 --> 00:14:50,643 -Why? -Yeah, why? 298 00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,523 Don't know. 299 00:14:53,083 --> 00:14:56,163 -Uh, do you have any change? -Oh, I don't have any money. 300 00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:57,443 I mean, I've got money. 301 00:14:57,523 --> 00:14:58,723 I've got a good job. 302 00:14:59,243 --> 00:15:01,323 I just left it at work. 303 00:15:02,003 --> 00:15:02,923 Right. Okay. 304 00:15:03,883 --> 00:15:05,043 You married? 305 00:15:06,123 --> 00:15:07,523 -Uh, no. -[Tony] Girlfriend? 306 00:15:08,363 --> 00:15:09,523 -No. -Gay? 307 00:15:09,603 --> 00:15:11,403 -No. -[Tony] Name? 308 00:15:11,483 --> 00:15:12,763 -Charles. -[Tony] Charles. 309 00:15:12,843 --> 00:15:14,083 -You met Kath? -Yeah. 310 00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,003 -Yep. -Why would you think I'm gay? 311 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,003 Why wouldn't I? 312 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,603 -What? -It doesn't matter. Either way. 313 00:15:21,163 --> 00:15:22,763 Would you like to go for a drink later? 314 00:15:24,563 --> 00:15:25,723 Yeah. 315 00:15:26,483 --> 00:15:30,523 Okay. Um, let me give you my card. 316 00:15:32,043 --> 00:15:32,883 Thank you. 317 00:15:34,443 --> 00:15:35,723 -Thanks. -Bye. 318 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:36,843 Bye. 319 00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:41,123 Oh, I could die. 320 00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:44,843 -Why? -Of embarrassment! I was so uncool. 321 00:15:45,763 --> 00:15:47,443 -He liked you. -No, he didn't! 322 00:15:47,523 --> 00:15:50,523 -He panicked and was polite. -Lawyers don't panic. 323 00:15:50,603 --> 00:15:54,483 That's another thing. He's a lawyer! He had the costume and everything. 324 00:15:54,563 --> 00:15:58,123 Oh. I can't tell him I work for a free local paper. He'll think I'm a loser. 325 00:15:58,203 --> 00:15:59,163 None taken. 326 00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:02,763 Tell him you're an investigative journalist. 327 00:16:04,243 --> 00:16:07,443 No, that'll frighten him. He'll think I'm looking into him. 328 00:16:08,443 --> 00:16:10,043 What would a lawyer want me to be? 329 00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:13,003 A murderer. 330 00:16:13,803 --> 00:16:14,843 -What? -[scoffs] 331 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,043 Just be yourself. 332 00:16:17,763 --> 00:16:18,683 Tell the truth. 333 00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:21,803 Always tell the truth. 334 00:16:26,963 --> 00:16:28,123 This is even worse. 335 00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:29,963 What is? 336 00:16:30,683 --> 00:16:33,523 You sat there doing a fucking word search! 337 00:16:33,603 --> 00:16:36,763 [scoffs] Used to be porn, mate, stacked that high. 338 00:16:37,803 --> 00:16:39,003 Those days are gone. 339 00:16:40,803 --> 00:16:44,243 Five years ago, I could've knocked one out and got you right in the face. 340 00:16:47,763 --> 00:16:49,123 I've wasted my life. 341 00:16:50,003 --> 00:16:51,283 -Ready? -[Matt] Yeah. 342 00:16:51,363 --> 00:16:52,843 [Tony] All right. Let's go. 343 00:16:54,923 --> 00:16:55,923 Oh. 344 00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:57,083 One, nil. 345 00:16:58,323 --> 00:16:59,683 Come on. 346 00:17:00,243 --> 00:17:01,403 Okay. All right, three, nil. 347 00:17:05,163 --> 00:17:08,163 -Oh, did that get a little nick on-- -No. 348 00:17:09,843 --> 00:17:11,723 -Ow. Ooh. -Right in the bollocks! 349 00:17:12,523 --> 00:17:13,683 Okay. 350 00:17:15,763 --> 00:17:16,803 Oh. 351 00:17:17,963 --> 00:17:19,683 -Nineteen, two? -Three! 352 00:17:19,763 --> 00:17:20,883 -Is it? Okay. -Yeah. 353 00:17:24,203 --> 00:17:25,603 -Twenty, three. -Yeah. Fine. 354 00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:29,803 Ugh. 355 00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:31,443 Good game. [sighs] 356 00:17:32,683 --> 00:17:35,723 I mean, it wasn't athletic enough, really, was it? Just-- 357 00:17:36,363 --> 00:17:39,203 -You were just standing there. -Yeah, hitting it back. 358 00:17:39,283 --> 00:17:40,243 Yeah, but you're not. 359 00:17:40,323 --> 00:17:41,923 -You're barely moving. -Right. 360 00:17:42,003 --> 00:17:44,523 So I think we need to do something a bit more sporty. 361 00:17:44,603 --> 00:17:47,643 -Okay. -Um, like tennis or something. 362 00:17:47,723 --> 00:17:49,483 -Yeah, great. -[Matt] Good. Okay. 363 00:17:49,563 --> 00:17:53,483 'Cause table tennis is just luck, isn't it? It's like pinball. 364 00:17:53,563 --> 00:17:55,883 ♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪ 365 00:17:55,963 --> 00:17:57,963 ♪ Everybody's feeling-- ♪ 366 00:17:58,043 --> 00:18:00,843 -Nah, that's enough of that. -Put something you like on, then. 367 00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:02,603 Yeah. There's the challenge. 368 00:18:03,563 --> 00:18:05,083 Will Smith, Willennium. 369 00:18:05,603 --> 00:18:09,203 -Yes, as in the Millennium. -Yeah, the last time anyone bought a CD. 370 00:18:10,443 --> 00:18:12,363 -Lighthouse Family. -Good band. 371 00:18:13,403 --> 00:18:14,643 Love the Lighthouse Family. 372 00:18:14,723 --> 00:18:16,803 -Susan fucking Boyle? -Yeah? 373 00:18:17,403 --> 00:18:18,243 What? 374 00:18:18,843 --> 00:18:21,243 -Out she goes. -Hey! What are you doing? 375 00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:23,683 Did you-- Not Bublé. 376 00:18:23,763 --> 00:18:24,683 Yes, Bublé. 377 00:18:24,763 --> 00:18:27,483 No! Are you mad? You'll kill someone! Tony! 378 00:18:27,563 --> 00:18:29,163 -Radiohead. -That's not mine. 379 00:18:29,243 --> 00:18:30,723 No, I know. It's good. 380 00:18:31,723 --> 00:18:32,643 It's Jill's. 381 00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:35,203 -Lisa got it for her. -Did she? 382 00:18:36,603 --> 00:18:37,803 Yeah, she loved 'em. 383 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,883 ["Let Down" playing] 384 00:18:54,523 --> 00:18:56,363 ♪ Transport ♪ 385 00:18:56,883 --> 00:19:01,283 ♪ Motorways and tramlines ♪ 386 00:19:01,363 --> 00:19:05,963 ♪ Starting and then stopping ♪ 387 00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:10,723 ♪ Taking off and landing ♪ 388 00:19:10,803 --> 00:19:14,323 ♪ The emptiest of feelings ♪ 389 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,683 -Cheers. -Cheers. 390 00:19:19,963 --> 00:19:21,483 Um, so you're a lawyer? 391 00:19:22,363 --> 00:19:23,963 Uh, yes, a barrister. 392 00:19:24,043 --> 00:19:25,083 -[Kath] Right. -You? 393 00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:26,043 No. 394 00:19:27,843 --> 00:19:30,323 -What? -No, I'm-- I'm not a barrister. 395 00:19:31,683 --> 00:19:33,803 Okay. Uh, what is your job? 396 00:19:35,563 --> 00:19:37,443 Oh, my job? 397 00:19:37,523 --> 00:19:38,563 Hmm. 398 00:19:38,643 --> 00:19:39,563 Um, 399 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,803 okay, I-- I'm not gonna lie. 400 00:19:43,523 --> 00:19:44,363 I'm 401 00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:46,323 a doctor. 402 00:19:46,763 --> 00:19:48,123 -[Charles] Wow. -Yeah. 403 00:19:49,123 --> 00:19:51,923 -You got a practice? -No need! Done all that! 404 00:19:52,003 --> 00:19:53,323 Got my certificate and everything. 405 00:19:54,123 --> 00:19:54,963 What? 406 00:19:56,243 --> 00:19:57,243 What did you say? 407 00:19:57,323 --> 00:20:03,243 Oh, um, do you have a practice? Are you a GP or a surgeon in a hospital? 408 00:20:03,323 --> 00:20:04,643 Oh, yeah. [chuckles] 409 00:20:04,723 --> 00:20:07,043 Um, I work in a hospital 410 00:20:07,683 --> 00:20:08,723 as a doctor. 411 00:20:11,843 --> 00:20:12,683 Right. 412 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:15,243 -Should we order? -Yeah. 413 00:20:24,283 --> 00:20:25,163 Huh. 414 00:20:28,323 --> 00:20:29,683 I have lived a life, boy. 415 00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:30,763 -Yeah? -[Brian] Yes. 416 00:20:31,643 --> 00:20:32,883 Yeah, roller-coaster. 417 00:20:33,683 --> 00:20:36,043 She was one hell of a woman, sexually. 418 00:20:39,283 --> 00:20:41,643 A wild creature that could not be tamed. 419 00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,123 Great sex. 420 00:20:45,763 --> 00:20:46,803 Great sex. 421 00:20:53,243 --> 00:20:54,283 I made a porno of her. 422 00:20:55,403 --> 00:20:56,963 Right on this very carpet. 423 00:20:58,483 --> 00:21:00,883 She said she wanted a threesome with me and Roly Carter. 424 00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,683 Absolute monster of a man. Do you know him? 425 00:21:05,763 --> 00:21:07,123 -No. -Six foot three. 426 00:21:07,643 --> 00:21:09,443 280 lb. with his jewelry on. 427 00:21:10,523 --> 00:21:12,123 I agreed. [giggles] 428 00:21:14,003 --> 00:21:16,083 Turns out she just wanted me to hold the camcorder. 429 00:21:19,923 --> 00:21:20,763 Not a problem. 430 00:21:22,723 --> 00:21:24,483 "Whatever you want, my darling." 431 00:21:26,003 --> 00:21:28,443 So she's on all fours and he's round the back door, 432 00:21:29,163 --> 00:21:30,523 doing her doggy style. 433 00:21:33,963 --> 00:21:35,883 I'm capturing the whole damn thing. 434 00:21:37,643 --> 00:21:41,443 She was absolutely fucking loving it. I could see it in her eyes. 435 00:21:45,323 --> 00:21:46,683 And then Roly looks at me, 436 00:21:47,843 --> 00:21:51,603 out of the blue, straight down the lens, and shakes his head, 437 00:21:53,763 --> 00:21:54,643 as if to say, 438 00:21:56,043 --> 00:21:58,843 "This is absolutely fucking awful." 439 00:22:00,083 --> 00:22:02,243 I didn't know if he meant the quality of the production 440 00:22:02,323 --> 00:22:05,683 or the rough carpet on his knees. Turns out he meant the smell of her growler. 441 00:22:10,083 --> 00:22:11,163 -Here we go. -Thank you. 442 00:22:11,683 --> 00:22:12,523 [Charles] Thanks. 443 00:22:13,443 --> 00:22:14,283 Lovely. 444 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:18,123 Do you, uh-- Do you get a chance to cook much? In your-- 445 00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:21,563 Oh, no. No, I'm rushed off my feet. 446 00:22:21,643 --> 00:22:23,003 -[laughs] -Yeah. 447 00:22:23,083 --> 00:22:24,203 -Most days. -Yeah. 448 00:22:24,283 --> 00:22:25,123 Yeah. 449 00:22:25,203 --> 00:22:30,083 I just have to get frozen meals for one in. 450 00:22:30,163 --> 00:22:32,003 -Oh, that's so sad. -Yeah. 451 00:22:34,043 --> 00:22:36,043 [woman chocking] 452 00:22:38,643 --> 00:22:40,923 -Um, she's a doctor! -Off duty! 453 00:22:41,003 --> 00:22:42,963 -What? -I'm off duty. 454 00:22:47,683 --> 00:22:48,963 Okay. 455 00:22:49,043 --> 00:22:51,563 -That's it. -She's fine. Thought so. 456 00:22:51,643 --> 00:22:52,483 [scoffs] 457 00:22:54,883 --> 00:22:56,123 Why didn't you help her? 458 00:23:08,923 --> 00:23:10,923 [man panting] 459 00:23:32,843 --> 00:23:34,163 [Tony] This place is amazing. 460 00:23:35,003 --> 00:23:37,723 Built in the 14th century or something? 461 00:23:37,803 --> 00:23:38,963 -I dunno. -Oh. 462 00:23:40,083 --> 00:23:43,603 This must be the table he proposed at. It was under the portrait of the Queen. 463 00:23:43,683 --> 00:23:45,683 -Really? -Yeah, let's sit here. 464 00:23:46,523 --> 00:23:47,443 That's great. 465 00:23:48,123 --> 00:23:49,083 Wow. 466 00:23:50,283 --> 00:23:52,683 [sighs] Think of all the people that have been here. 467 00:23:53,523 --> 00:23:55,523 -Here's a good place. -Okay. 468 00:23:55,603 --> 00:23:56,603 Um… 469 00:23:59,883 --> 00:24:00,843 What are you doing? 470 00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:03,923 I'm just sprinkling a few of my dad's ashes. 471 00:24:04,003 --> 00:24:05,163 On the carpet? 472 00:24:06,123 --> 00:24:07,563 Yeah, it was his last request. 473 00:24:07,643 --> 00:24:10,203 Oh, was it? It's not him who's gonna have to clear it up, is it? 474 00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:12,923 Mate, it's a silly little ritual. Okay? 475 00:24:13,003 --> 00:24:15,763 There's no harm. I know they get cleared away. So-- 476 00:24:15,843 --> 00:24:17,923 -It's vandalism. -It's not vandalism, is it? 477 00:24:18,443 --> 00:24:20,723 -There's no damage. -Littering, then. 478 00:24:20,803 --> 00:24:23,643 [sighs] It's my dad's ashes, okay? 479 00:24:23,723 --> 00:24:27,683 He used to come here all the time. It's my way of paying my respects. 480 00:24:27,763 --> 00:24:30,203 Well, sprinkle 'em in the bin. What difference does it make? 481 00:24:30,283 --> 00:24:33,203 I'm sure he didn't specify sprinkling them on the bloody carpet. 482 00:24:33,283 --> 00:24:36,123 No, but this is the table he proposed to my mother at, okay? 483 00:24:36,203 --> 00:24:37,843 I recognize it from his description. 484 00:24:37,923 --> 00:24:39,563 It's dust, for Christ's sake! 485 00:24:39,643 --> 00:24:40,523 [man] It's disgusting. 486 00:24:40,603 --> 00:24:42,643 -What about diseases? -What diseases? 487 00:24:42,723 --> 00:24:45,323 -[man] From dead bodies! -It's not a dead body, is it? 488 00:24:45,403 --> 00:24:47,883 If I dragged him in from the morgue and dumped him on the carpet, 489 00:24:47,963 --> 00:24:49,603 maybe you'd have every right to be annoyed. 490 00:24:49,683 --> 00:24:52,683 Well, I do have every right. I can do what I want. It's my pub. 491 00:24:52,763 --> 00:24:56,123 I can bar you, and I don't have to give a reason. The two of you, out! 492 00:24:56,203 --> 00:24:57,403 Take your rubbish with you. 493 00:24:58,963 --> 00:24:59,803 Rubbish? 494 00:25:04,643 --> 00:25:07,163 Ugh. You stupid bastard! 495 00:25:07,683 --> 00:25:08,923 A bit went in my mouth! 496 00:25:09,003 --> 00:25:11,603 Good. I hope that was his cock, you stupid cunt. 497 00:25:11,683 --> 00:25:12,763 Ugh. 498 00:25:13,883 --> 00:25:14,883 Ugh. 499 00:25:44,883 --> 00:25:46,203 [Matt] "I hope that was his cock, 500 00:25:47,323 --> 00:25:48,523 you stupid cunt." 501 00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:52,083 [laughs] 502 00:25:52,163 --> 00:25:54,683 [both laughing] 503 00:25:54,763 --> 00:25:56,763 [car engine starts] 504 00:25:56,843 --> 00:25:58,843 -[Tony] Oh. -["Let Down" playing] 505 00:26:16,323 --> 00:26:18,563 ♪ Transport ♪ 506 00:26:19,083 --> 00:26:23,403 ♪ Motorways and tramlines ♪ 507 00:26:23,483 --> 00:26:28,203 ♪ Starting and then stopping ♪ 508 00:26:28,283 --> 00:26:32,603 ♪Taking off and landing ♪ 509 00:26:32,683 --> 00:26:37,563 ♪ The emptiest of feelings ♪ 510 00:26:37,643 --> 00:26:42,363 ♪ Disappointed people ♪ 511 00:26:42,443 --> 00:26:46,603 ♪ Clinging onto bottles ♪ 512 00:26:46,683 --> 00:26:51,563 ♪ When it comes, it's so so ♪ 513 00:26:51,643 --> 00:26:54,163 ♪ Disappointing ♪ 514 00:26:54,243 --> 00:26:59,323 ♪ Let down and hanging around ♪