1 00:00:06,043 --> 00:00:07,843 [Tony and Lisa laughing] 2 00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:11,283 [Lisa] They do make it look easy, don't they, on the telly? 3 00:00:11,363 --> 00:00:12,603 -[Tony] On the Olympics? -Yeah. 4 00:00:12,683 --> 00:00:15,283 [Tony] Yeah. I don't think you'll make it this year. 5 00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,363 -No? -[Tony] No. 6 00:00:17,803 --> 00:00:19,283 -Oh God. -Oh my God! 7 00:00:19,363 --> 00:00:21,003 -[Tony] Yeah. -We're just going around. 8 00:00:21,083 --> 00:00:22,763 -[Tony] People are looking. -They're not! 9 00:00:22,843 --> 00:00:25,203 [Tony] People are looking at me and going, "Aw." 10 00:00:25,283 --> 00:00:27,043 No, they're looking at me and going, "Aw." 11 00:00:27,123 --> 00:00:30,083 [Tony] They're going, "Look at him. He's trying to help her, but she's--" 12 00:00:30,163 --> 00:00:31,843 -He's not trying to help her! -[Tony laughs] 13 00:00:31,923 --> 00:00:36,803 He's just laughing at her and filming her! That's not helping! 14 00:00:41,963 --> 00:00:42,803 -Hi. -Hi. 15 00:00:42,883 --> 00:00:45,443 The back door was open so I just came in. 16 00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:46,763 -Good. Hungry? -[Emma] Yes. 17 00:00:46,843 --> 00:00:48,563 -Where do you wanna we go? -Somewhere quick. 18 00:00:48,643 --> 00:00:50,403 -Got to be at work at 10:00. -Okay. 19 00:00:50,923 --> 00:00:52,603 Do you want to go rowing sometime? 20 00:00:52,683 --> 00:00:54,123 -Rowing? -Yes. 21 00:00:54,203 --> 00:00:57,083 Just for a laugh, on the boating pond? 22 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:58,963 Boating pond? Why? 23 00:00:59,483 --> 00:01:02,643 Don't know. I just thought it might be something you might quite like to do. 24 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:04,723 Not really. 25 00:01:05,643 --> 00:01:06,723 See you later! 26 00:01:06,803 --> 00:01:07,683 Come on, Em. 27 00:01:08,683 --> 00:01:10,683 ["The Things We Do For Love" playing] 28 00:01:27,603 --> 00:01:32,043 ♪ Too many broken hearts Have fallen in the river ♪ 29 00:01:32,123 --> 00:01:36,123 ♪ Too many lonely souls Have drifted out to sea ♪ 30 00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:39,563 ♪ You lay your bets And then you pay the price ♪ 31 00:01:39,643 --> 00:01:41,843 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 32 00:01:41,923 --> 00:01:43,963 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 33 00:01:46,003 --> 00:01:50,083 ♪ Communication is the problem To the answer ♪ 34 00:01:50,603 --> 00:01:54,403 ♪ You've got her number And your hand is on the phone ♪ 35 00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:57,803 ♪ The weather's turned And all the lines are down ♪ 36 00:01:57,883 --> 00:01:59,963 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 37 00:02:00,043 --> 00:02:02,403 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 38 00:02:02,483 --> 00:02:07,843 ♪ Like walking in the rain and the snow When there's no where to go ♪ 39 00:02:07,923 --> 00:02:11,643 ♪ When you're feeling Like a part of you is dying ♪ 40 00:02:12,563 --> 00:02:16,083 ♪ And you're looking for the answer In her eyes ♪ 41 00:02:17,243 --> 00:02:19,283 ♪ You think you're gonna break up ♪ 42 00:02:19,363 --> 00:02:22,403 ♪ Then she says she wants to make up ♪ 43 00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:26,323 ♪ Ooh, you make me love you ♪ 44 00:02:27,723 --> 00:02:30,723 ♪ Ooh, you've got a way ♪ 45 00:02:32,243 --> 00:02:35,363 ♪ Ooh, you had me crawling ♪ 46 00:02:36,363 --> 00:02:38,923 ♪ Up the wall ♪ 47 00:02:52,843 --> 00:02:54,123 [music stops] 48 00:02:56,083 --> 00:02:57,523 -Morning. -Morning. 49 00:03:00,563 --> 00:03:01,403 You ready? 50 00:03:01,483 --> 00:03:02,523 Oh, hold on. 51 00:03:08,323 --> 00:03:09,243 You all right? 52 00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:10,523 -What? -Sit down. 53 00:03:10,603 --> 00:03:13,243 "What?" What kind of greeting is that? Hello. 54 00:03:14,683 --> 00:03:15,963 -Wanna come over later-- -No. 55 00:03:16,043 --> 00:03:16,923 I haven't finished. 56 00:03:18,163 --> 00:03:19,883 To the house for some dinner. 57 00:03:19,963 --> 00:03:22,283 You could bring Emma. Do a foursome or something. 58 00:03:23,123 --> 00:03:24,483 Me and Emma aren't a twosome. 59 00:03:25,563 --> 00:03:27,443 That's fine. I just mean there'll be four of us. 60 00:03:27,523 --> 00:03:30,123 Right. Well, I'll bring Brian, then, if it's purely mathematical. 61 00:03:30,203 --> 00:03:31,883 God. Nothing is simple with you, is it? 62 00:03:33,443 --> 00:03:35,683 Just bring your nice, platonic friend Emma. 63 00:03:35,763 --> 00:03:37,723 We'll have a nice, grown-up time. 64 00:03:38,763 --> 00:03:42,123 I'll be honest, it'd be good for us. Me and Jill. 65 00:03:42,883 --> 00:03:46,003 It's fun having people over, isn't it? We don't get out much and-- 66 00:03:46,603 --> 00:03:49,803 Well, I think that was part of the problem with the little hiccup in our marriage. 67 00:03:49,883 --> 00:03:51,683 What? Not having people over? 68 00:03:52,283 --> 00:03:54,083 -No. You know what I mean. -No. 69 00:03:55,643 --> 00:03:57,723 Okay, get this, yeah? [scoffs] 70 00:03:58,243 --> 00:04:01,283 Jill thinks I'm not very adventurous. Can you believe that? 71 00:04:01,363 --> 00:04:02,203 Yeah. 72 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,163 But seriously. 73 00:04:04,763 --> 00:04:07,643 It's ridiculous. I've got two cagoules. 74 00:04:08,243 --> 00:04:10,163 Why would I need those if I wasn't adventurous? 75 00:04:10,243 --> 00:04:14,203 Or you could say, how adventurous is a man who doesn't like getting his hair wet? 76 00:04:14,283 --> 00:04:15,723 I've been looking at camping gear. 77 00:04:15,803 --> 00:04:17,403 -Wow. -I'm probably gonna buy those boots. 78 00:04:20,963 --> 00:04:23,203 Come on, come over. Please. 79 00:04:23,283 --> 00:04:25,963 Help me prove her wrong. I feel a bit misunderstood. 80 00:04:26,043 --> 00:04:26,923 Go on Oprah. 81 00:04:27,563 --> 00:04:30,363 Is there any way to prove her wrong without me being involved? 82 00:04:30,443 --> 00:04:32,883 It's not a big deal! You don't even have to stay long. 83 00:04:32,963 --> 00:04:36,243 Just you and Emma come over, we have some fun, done. 84 00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,803 -Don't you have to warn Jill? -No, spontaneous. 85 00:04:41,883 --> 00:04:46,043 I mean, I will call her now and tell her. Otherwise she'll get in a bit of a tizz. 86 00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:49,723 She'll want to get ready and we don't usually do a big sit-down meal. 87 00:04:49,803 --> 00:04:53,923 Eat before you come, and then we'll just, you know, have some drinks, 88 00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:56,203 put on some tracks, have a few laughs. 89 00:04:56,283 --> 00:04:57,643 There'll be no laughter. 90 00:04:58,323 --> 00:04:59,243 7:30? 91 00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:01,403 I'm usually on my second bottle of wine by then. 92 00:05:01,483 --> 00:05:03,323 Okay, perfect. You can drink it at my place. 93 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:04,603 -Right. -Yeah? 94 00:05:04,683 --> 00:05:05,523 -Okay. -Great. 95 00:05:05,603 --> 00:05:06,803 If Emma's up for it. 96 00:05:06,883 --> 00:05:08,363 -Oh. -Thank you. 97 00:05:09,283 --> 00:05:11,243 [Tony] Oh fucking hell. 98 00:05:11,323 --> 00:05:13,163 -I can hear you. -I know. 99 00:05:13,243 --> 00:05:15,523 -Wait 'til you're out of the office to-- -Come on. 100 00:05:17,603 --> 00:05:19,123 What a shit day already. 101 00:05:31,803 --> 00:05:32,883 -Hiya. -Hiya. 102 00:05:33,403 --> 00:05:35,203 How's it going with your friend, Tony? 103 00:05:35,283 --> 00:05:39,123 Hmm. Well, exactly that, really. We're just friends. 104 00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:42,523 Even that's a bit tense at times, to be honest. 105 00:05:43,203 --> 00:05:45,443 We haven't even taken a selfie together. 106 00:05:46,163 --> 00:05:47,003 Oh. 107 00:05:47,083 --> 00:05:50,043 Well, he must be mad not to pay you more attention. 108 00:05:51,203 --> 00:05:52,043 Right. 109 00:05:54,163 --> 00:05:56,923 I thought it would be nice to document my 50th novel. 110 00:05:57,003 --> 00:06:00,483 Fifty? Wow. How long have you been writing? 111 00:06:00,563 --> 00:06:03,923 Oh, been writing all my life, dear. It's all I've ever wanted to do. 112 00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:06,723 Wrote my first published novel when I was 15 113 00:06:06,803 --> 00:06:09,523 and I've written at least one a year ever since. 114 00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,203 Wow. Who is your publisher? 115 00:06:11,843 --> 00:06:12,883 Self-published, dear. 116 00:06:12,963 --> 00:06:15,723 I designed the cover and everything. It's very professional. 117 00:06:16,403 --> 00:06:19,803 Not in a-- Not in a money-making sense. 118 00:06:19,883 --> 00:06:22,763 I've actually lost money, but, you know, it's a passion, isn't it? 119 00:06:22,843 --> 00:06:24,603 -Yep. -I've got to leave something behind. 120 00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:27,563 I never married or had children or anything, so, you know… 121 00:06:28,723 --> 00:06:30,283 How do you make your money though? 122 00:06:30,363 --> 00:06:31,483 I'm a medium. 123 00:06:31,563 --> 00:06:32,683 Right. 124 00:06:32,763 --> 00:06:37,323 I read people's auras or palms or crystal balls, tea leaves, anything. 125 00:06:38,443 --> 00:06:41,083 But this is my passion. Novels. 126 00:06:41,163 --> 00:06:45,003 And they're all about one person, are they? 127 00:06:45,083 --> 00:06:45,963 [Penny] Yes. 128 00:06:46,043 --> 00:06:48,283 Dr. Barnaby Love, MD. 129 00:06:48,883 --> 00:06:51,323 I combine medical drama with erotic fiction. 130 00:06:52,363 --> 00:06:55,363 "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed." 131 00:06:55,443 --> 00:06:59,683 Why is it "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed"? 132 00:06:59,763 --> 00:07:04,403 Well, I always hoped it'd be picked up as a long-running series, like Columbo. 133 00:07:05,043 --> 00:07:06,803 But sadly not. 134 00:07:07,523 --> 00:07:09,643 Mm, my first choice, back in the day, was Roger Moore, 135 00:07:09,723 --> 00:07:12,523 but nowadays it would probably be someone like George Clooney. 136 00:07:12,603 --> 00:07:16,043 I mean, he's played a doctor, hasn't he? He'd know what he was doing. 137 00:07:16,123 --> 00:07:17,523 Probably knows more than me. 138 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,803 You haven't had any medical training? 139 00:07:19,883 --> 00:07:20,883 No. 140 00:07:21,643 --> 00:07:25,163 -How do you get the technical stuff right? -Eh, just pick things up. 141 00:07:26,123 --> 00:07:26,963 Sure. 142 00:07:28,003 --> 00:07:30,443 Would you like me to read a bit from my latest one? 143 00:07:30,523 --> 00:07:31,363 Yeah. 144 00:07:32,723 --> 00:07:33,643 Open Wide. 145 00:07:35,323 --> 00:07:36,883 Not that bit. That's filth. 146 00:07:36,963 --> 00:07:38,723 Let's have a look. Here's a good bit. 147 00:07:38,803 --> 00:07:41,323 So Dr. Barnaby is, um, operating on someone 148 00:07:41,403 --> 00:07:44,803 that all the top surgeons in the world said could not be saved. 149 00:07:44,883 --> 00:07:46,723 But Dr. Barnaby disagrees. 150 00:07:46,803 --> 00:07:49,363 Okay. "Nurse Stacey mopped his brow." 151 00:07:49,963 --> 00:07:51,763 "'Is that better, Doctor?'" 152 00:07:51,843 --> 00:07:55,123 "Their eyes meet over the masks you have to wear in operating theaters." 153 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,203 "'Please, call me Barnaby.'" 154 00:07:57,843 --> 00:08:00,243 "She blushes. 'Okay, we're going in!'" 155 00:08:00,323 --> 00:08:03,043 "He injects the medicine into the patient's main artery." 156 00:08:03,123 --> 00:08:06,123 "'That should do the trick,' said Barnaby. 'Okay, stitch him up, Nurse.'" 157 00:08:06,203 --> 00:08:08,923 "'Dinner later?' 'Ooh, yes, please,' she said. 'See you at 8.'" 158 00:08:10,003 --> 00:08:11,043 There. 159 00:08:14,323 --> 00:08:16,243 -Does he live? -Who, dear? 160 00:08:16,323 --> 00:08:17,443 The patient. 161 00:08:17,523 --> 00:08:19,603 Oh, I didn't say. Didn't bother with that. 162 00:08:20,563 --> 00:08:23,683 I'm sure he's fine if they got the medicine into the main artery. 163 00:08:23,763 --> 00:08:24,603 Exactly. 164 00:08:24,683 --> 00:08:28,403 I wonder why all the top surgeons around the world didn't think of that. 165 00:08:28,483 --> 00:08:30,723 Eh, Dr. Barnaby's special, isn't he? 166 00:08:30,803 --> 00:08:32,483 He's best in the world. 167 00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:35,243 A randy bugger, too, which never hurts. 168 00:08:37,323 --> 00:08:39,003 -Good. Take a picture. -Yep. 169 00:08:40,483 --> 00:08:41,363 Smile. 170 00:08:41,443 --> 00:08:42,323 Ooh. 171 00:08:42,963 --> 00:08:43,803 Great. 172 00:08:44,723 --> 00:08:47,323 -Will this be in next week's paper, dear? -Yep. 173 00:08:47,403 --> 00:08:50,323 Could you mention that I'm doing a live reading and book signing 174 00:08:50,403 --> 00:08:51,323 at the Tambury Fair? 175 00:08:51,403 --> 00:08:52,563 Sure. 176 00:08:52,643 --> 00:08:56,283 Oh, good. And do bring your wife along. It's mostly for women. 177 00:08:56,363 --> 00:08:58,723 I, uh-- I don't have a wife. 178 00:08:58,803 --> 00:09:00,443 Oh, gay? Even better. 179 00:09:00,523 --> 00:09:02,083 I'm not gay. Just-- 180 00:09:03,803 --> 00:09:04,763 I, uh-- 181 00:09:04,843 --> 00:09:05,923 I lost my wife. 182 00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:06,963 Oh, I'm sorry. 183 00:09:07,723 --> 00:09:09,163 Would you like to contact her? 184 00:09:09,243 --> 00:09:10,403 With all my heart. 185 00:09:10,923 --> 00:09:12,843 -Okay. Well-- -[Tony] No, I mean-- 186 00:09:13,923 --> 00:09:14,923 I-- I don't-- 187 00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:17,483 I don't believe in all that. But-- But thank you. 188 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,643 This is for you. 189 00:09:21,483 --> 00:09:22,923 Open Wide, though. 190 00:09:23,003 --> 00:09:25,603 I mean, in this context, that only means one thing. 191 00:09:25,683 --> 00:09:26,723 -Yeah. -Doesn't it? 192 00:09:26,803 --> 00:09:27,843 [chuckles] 193 00:09:31,123 --> 00:09:32,363 I-- I hate that. 194 00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:36,123 He knew we were crossing the road, but he had to save that ten seconds 195 00:09:36,203 --> 00:09:38,883 'cause he's got such an important job as a full-time cunt! 196 00:09:40,403 --> 00:09:43,243 I always wish I had a brick to put through the fucking window. 197 00:09:43,323 --> 00:09:45,203 [Lenny] That'd be the last piece of the jigsaw. 198 00:09:45,283 --> 00:09:47,443 You actually carrying a brick around with you, 199 00:09:47,523 --> 00:09:49,003 hovering around zebra crossings. 200 00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:51,323 It'd be a social service. I'd be like Batman. 201 00:09:51,403 --> 00:09:52,243 But mental. 202 00:09:52,323 --> 00:09:54,323 Yeah. Maybe I'm not grieving. 203 00:09:54,403 --> 00:09:56,963 Maybe I'm just an arsehole. I just like punishing people. 204 00:09:57,043 --> 00:09:59,123 Classic vigilante story, innit? 205 00:09:59,203 --> 00:10:01,563 I am like Batman, or Dexter. 206 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:05,163 He was a serial killer, but his dad taught him only to kill bad people, 207 00:10:05,243 --> 00:10:06,683 but he was just mental. 208 00:10:06,763 --> 00:10:07,923 Or Spider-Man. 209 00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:11,843 His uncle got killed and he went fucking sorting out bad people, didn't he? 210 00:10:11,923 --> 00:10:14,483 Didn't he get bitten by a spider? I don't remember the uncle bit. 211 00:10:14,563 --> 00:10:17,643 Yeah, and then he made himself a poncy little outfit. 212 00:10:17,723 --> 00:10:21,923 I wouldn't bother with that. I'd just wear my own clothes. So, uh-- 213 00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:24,443 Also, I would fucking batter Spider-Man. 214 00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:27,603 Puny little twat in tight kids pajamas? 215 00:10:27,683 --> 00:10:31,523 -He's got Spidey senses though. -Yeah? Stomp! Squashed! 216 00:10:33,203 --> 00:10:37,883 "Dr. Barnaby leaned back on his leather office chair, thoughtful." 217 00:10:37,963 --> 00:10:42,243 "He was worried about a patient who had the worst brain tumor he had ever seen." 218 00:10:42,323 --> 00:10:45,643 "There was a knock at the door. 'Come in,' said Dr. Barnaby." 219 00:10:45,723 --> 00:10:48,403 "The door opened to reveal Nurse Cindy, 220 00:10:48,483 --> 00:10:51,563 the most attractive nurse in the hospital." Obviously. 221 00:10:51,643 --> 00:10:55,243 "'Oh sorry,' she said. 'The ladies changing rooms are out of order, 222 00:10:55,323 --> 00:10:58,043 so I wondered if I could change here, as you're a doctor.'" 223 00:10:58,123 --> 00:10:59,803 "'Of course,' said Dr. Barnaby." 224 00:10:59,883 --> 00:11:01,203 "'I'm a surgeon, 225 00:11:01,283 --> 00:11:02,603 so a naked female body 226 00:11:02,683 --> 00:11:05,603 isn't the same as it would be to the average red-blooded male.'" 227 00:11:05,683 --> 00:11:06,923 I can't read any more. 228 00:11:07,003 --> 00:11:08,323 -Read it. -No, you read it. 229 00:11:08,923 --> 00:11:09,763 Oh God. 230 00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:14,843 "Nurse Cindy starts to slowly undress. She was sexy as hell, 231 00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:17,363 and she notices Dr. Barnaby looking at her differently 232 00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,363 than he would if he was operating on her." 233 00:11:19,443 --> 00:11:21,563 -[laughs] -[Valerie] "'Do I look well, Doctor?'" 234 00:11:21,643 --> 00:11:24,003 "'I'll say,' said Dr. Barnaby." 235 00:11:24,523 --> 00:11:27,123 "'Think you'd better check my pulse, Nurse.'" [laughs] 236 00:11:27,203 --> 00:11:30,043 It's sort of sweet, really. Sort of old-fashioned and hopeful. 237 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,603 And she's a fortune teller too. 238 00:11:32,123 --> 00:11:34,083 -She said she is, yeah. -Why would she lie? 239 00:11:34,603 --> 00:11:37,043 -'Cause it's impossible. -Nothing's impossible. 240 00:11:37,123 --> 00:11:38,203 I'm out. 241 00:11:38,723 --> 00:11:42,083 Just 'cause you haven't seen something doesn't mean it isn't real. 242 00:11:42,163 --> 00:11:43,483 What if no one's seen it? 243 00:11:44,163 --> 00:11:45,043 Could be invisible. 244 00:11:46,203 --> 00:11:47,803 -Yeah. -Could I visit her? 245 00:11:47,883 --> 00:11:49,163 You know, to investigate it? 246 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,123 -If you want. -I'd go in with an open mind. 247 00:11:53,203 --> 00:11:56,083 You know, if you go in thinking it isn't real, then you'll never believe. 248 00:11:56,163 --> 00:11:57,563 Should I arrange that, then? 249 00:11:58,083 --> 00:11:58,923 Yeah. 250 00:11:59,643 --> 00:12:01,403 Now I wish I was covering the story. 251 00:12:03,763 --> 00:12:04,843 Oh, here he is. 252 00:12:05,963 --> 00:12:07,723 I told you to wait outside. 253 00:12:09,843 --> 00:12:13,203 He's giving me a lift to a meeting. We're not an item, obviously. 254 00:12:13,283 --> 00:12:16,283 I just like turning up in a Rolls-Royce. He knows that, don't you? 255 00:12:16,363 --> 00:12:18,283 -Yeah. -[Kath] Yeah, works out well. 256 00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:22,963 -What's in it for you, Colin? -People think he's got a girlfriend. 257 00:12:23,603 --> 00:12:26,723 But he knows that can never be the case. Shame. 258 00:12:27,563 --> 00:12:31,003 What, with the Rolls-Royce and him being a self-made millionaire and a nice bloke, 259 00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,443 it would've been perfect, if not for the obvious. 260 00:12:34,443 --> 00:12:37,043 -What? -The face! Duh. 261 00:12:37,803 --> 00:12:41,123 Yeah, the face. Even my mum calls me the ugly one. 262 00:12:42,163 --> 00:12:43,523 And you're okay with that, Colin? 263 00:12:45,043 --> 00:12:46,283 It's heartbreaking. 264 00:12:46,363 --> 00:12:47,683 I'm destroyed. 265 00:12:47,763 --> 00:12:51,483 I used to wish I was dead growing up. But what can you do? 266 00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:56,283 Exactly, and that is why I want everyone to know he's not my boyfriend. 267 00:12:58,123 --> 00:13:00,403 Maybe you should wear a chauffeur's hat. 268 00:13:00,923 --> 00:13:02,443 Or a chauffeur's mask. 269 00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:06,363 -She fancied him for a bit, didn't she? -[Tony] She did, Colin. She did. 270 00:13:06,443 --> 00:13:07,883 She's obviously got a type. 271 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:12,083 [Kath] Anyway, come on, we'll be late. 272 00:13:14,163 --> 00:13:15,163 Come on. 273 00:13:15,243 --> 00:13:16,443 Like a dog. 274 00:13:17,403 --> 00:13:20,443 -Could you get back to work, please? -No way. It's not worth it. 275 00:13:20,523 --> 00:13:23,043 [Matt] Please. Come on. Wasted enough time. 276 00:13:34,883 --> 00:13:36,203 [Brian] Hey, here's a new one. 277 00:13:36,723 --> 00:13:39,283 -What's worse than a maggot in your apple? -Dunno. 278 00:13:39,363 --> 00:13:41,803 Finding your ex-wife in Safeway's car park 279 00:13:41,883 --> 00:13:44,403 getting gangbanged by some Dutch lorry drivers. 280 00:13:45,083 --> 00:13:48,803 Yeah, finding a maggot in your apple's nothing after that, boy. Trust me. 281 00:13:49,923 --> 00:13:53,203 Anyway, I'm gonna start taking my comedy a little bit more seriously. 282 00:13:54,243 --> 00:13:56,683 Life has kicked the shit out of me in recent years, 283 00:13:57,243 --> 00:14:00,363 but I've reached rock bottom so the only way is up, innit? 284 00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:04,043 Yeah. As for me, like, Ken's getting me a couple of auditions here and there. 285 00:14:04,123 --> 00:14:05,603 Like small bits and stuff like that. 286 00:14:05,683 --> 00:14:06,563 -Shit. -What? 287 00:14:07,203 --> 00:14:08,443 [Brian] I can't believe it. 288 00:14:09,043 --> 00:14:10,843 My ex-wife and Micky the Gypsy. 289 00:14:11,363 --> 00:14:12,403 [James] Is he violent? 290 00:14:12,923 --> 00:14:14,203 Absolutely psycho. 291 00:14:15,163 --> 00:14:17,843 Mind you, I've seen her bottle a traffic warden. Aye. 292 00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:19,683 You do the mathematics. 293 00:14:22,563 --> 00:14:23,403 Heya. 294 00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:26,283 -All right? -All right. 295 00:14:26,363 --> 00:14:28,163 All right, Micky? Yeah? 296 00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:32,763 James, this is Micky. And this is my ex-wife, Elizabeth. 297 00:14:32,843 --> 00:14:33,963 [James] Hiya. 298 00:14:34,043 --> 00:14:36,163 -[Elizabeth] All right? -Still together, then? 299 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,443 On and off, yeah. 300 00:14:37,963 --> 00:14:40,283 [Micky] She was shagging Spud Head for a while. 301 00:14:41,363 --> 00:14:43,243 He caught us at it, didn't you? 302 00:14:45,003 --> 00:14:45,843 Awkward. 303 00:14:47,283 --> 00:14:48,163 It wasn't awkward. 304 00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:52,443 Gave me the excuse to smash the granny out of the cunt. 305 00:14:53,483 --> 00:14:54,643 Bloodbath, wasn't it? 306 00:14:55,243 --> 00:14:56,163 Proper mess. 307 00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:58,963 -Turned out quite well, really. -[Mickey] You know me. 308 00:14:59,923 --> 00:15:01,963 I like to look at things in a positive way. 309 00:15:02,043 --> 00:15:03,323 I know you do, mate. 310 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,763 My problem is I just want to try and please everyone. 311 00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:09,403 She's a slag, mate. 312 00:15:09,483 --> 00:15:10,643 He knows. 313 00:15:11,323 --> 00:15:13,003 You well though? You well though? 314 00:15:14,123 --> 00:15:14,963 Can't complain. 315 00:15:16,043 --> 00:15:18,563 Anyway, always nice to see you. 316 00:15:19,603 --> 00:15:22,323 I'll just, uh, see you later. 317 00:15:22,403 --> 00:15:23,363 -Be lucky. -[Brian] Yeah. 318 00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:24,283 Bye. 319 00:15:26,283 --> 00:15:29,363 We'll, uh, ease past Elizabeth's hip. 320 00:15:29,443 --> 00:15:32,003 -Yeah, do the one-wheel trick. -That's it. 321 00:15:37,643 --> 00:15:39,483 That's how pathetic your best mate is, James. 322 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:42,043 -You are not pathetic, sir! -Proper loser. 323 00:15:42,123 --> 00:15:44,363 -Not compared to me though. -You're joking, aren't you? 324 00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,843 -No. -You can sing, dance. 325 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:50,763 Play two recorders with your nose. You can knit. You're great with wool. 326 00:15:51,363 --> 00:15:52,643 You're great with wool. 327 00:15:53,603 --> 00:15:56,203 If you're a loser, what chance have the rest of us got? 328 00:15:56,283 --> 00:15:57,283 Cheers, mate. 329 00:15:57,923 --> 00:16:00,363 Do you wanna go up the tip? See if there's any action? 330 00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:04,123 You betcha! I've got to swing by my agent's first, if that's all right. 331 00:16:04,203 --> 00:16:06,083 -[Brian] I'll come with you, boy. -[James] Right. 332 00:16:16,003 --> 00:16:16,843 All right? 333 00:16:17,563 --> 00:16:18,403 Yes. 334 00:16:19,643 --> 00:16:22,203 I was just saying to Stan you'd be along soon. 335 00:16:22,283 --> 00:16:23,203 Right. 336 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,003 -Good day at work? -Yep. 337 00:16:25,963 --> 00:16:28,283 -You still talk to him? -[Anne] Every day. 338 00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:30,683 Not just here. Everywhere. 339 00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:34,963 I don't get funny looks at home though. 340 00:16:37,803 --> 00:16:38,883 It really helps. 341 00:16:39,923 --> 00:16:41,523 Saying it out loud, I mean. 342 00:16:42,963 --> 00:16:44,203 You hear yourself. 343 00:16:46,603 --> 00:16:51,563 Yeah, I've never been one for talking to myself. I'd probably argue. 344 00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:54,283 [chuckles] You wouldn't be talking to yourself. 345 00:16:56,243 --> 00:16:57,083 No. 346 00:16:57,723 --> 00:16:59,643 I do feel like she's still here. 347 00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:02,643 And it's like I'm in two minds. 348 00:17:04,283 --> 00:17:05,603 One knows the truth. 349 00:17:06,923 --> 00:17:07,763 She died. 350 00:17:08,843 --> 00:17:09,683 Logical. 351 00:17:10,643 --> 00:17:14,043 There's no heaven. No reincarnation, no ghosts. 352 00:17:15,443 --> 00:17:16,283 I know that. 353 00:17:18,803 --> 00:17:20,883 But then I feel her 354 00:17:21,683 --> 00:17:22,523 inside me. 355 00:17:23,523 --> 00:17:24,403 All the time. 356 00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:29,203 Like she's still part of me, guiding me. 357 00:17:30,563 --> 00:17:32,203 [sighs] It's weird. 358 00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:36,203 That's because you're human, 359 00:17:37,163 --> 00:17:39,203 and nothing really makes sense. 360 00:17:41,243 --> 00:17:42,723 Look at you, Kierkegaard. 361 00:17:45,203 --> 00:17:47,403 It's okay to have feelings, you know. 362 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,043 Things that aren't logical. 363 00:17:52,483 --> 00:17:55,563 Science makes us understand how to stay alive longer. 364 00:17:56,683 --> 00:17:59,523 Feelings give us the reason to want to. 365 00:18:02,763 --> 00:18:03,683 Or not want to. 366 00:18:04,923 --> 00:18:06,483 I was doing so well. 367 00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,323 [laughs] 368 00:18:08,403 --> 00:18:09,523 I'm fine. 369 00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:11,123 [chuckles] 370 00:18:11,203 --> 00:18:12,243 Hmm. 371 00:18:20,763 --> 00:18:23,123 -Mum. -Hello, darling. What are you doing here? 372 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,003 I'm here for a business meeting. 373 00:18:25,083 --> 00:18:27,523 -[June] Aw, bless ya. -What are you doing here? 374 00:18:27,603 --> 00:18:30,163 -She's doing my highlights. -Yeah, helping out. 375 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,523 Never mind that. What are we gonna do with you? 376 00:18:32,603 --> 00:18:35,643 Still delivering local newspapers? What's he like? 377 00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:39,163 Well, I've got to earn money. Mum says I'm old enough now to pay rent. 378 00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,723 It's only fair, isn't it, Ken? 379 00:18:40,803 --> 00:18:43,243 Oh, hanging round with losers though? 380 00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:44,683 -No offense. -None taken. 381 00:18:44,763 --> 00:18:46,043 Me and Brian are a team. 382 00:18:46,123 --> 00:18:47,923 -He wants representation too. -For what? 383 00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,803 -To pursue his stand-up. -[Brian] Big time. 384 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,203 I'm ready. I wanna go for it. 385 00:18:53,083 --> 00:18:55,483 I'm tired of having my confidence destroyed 386 00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:57,763 and being useless. 387 00:18:57,843 --> 00:18:58,803 You are useless though. 388 00:18:58,883 --> 00:19:02,203 You've got absolutely no chance of getting anywhere in comedy. 389 00:19:02,963 --> 00:19:04,443 I can feel my bravado ebbing away. 390 00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:06,283 [James] You said you could make anyone a star. 391 00:19:06,363 --> 00:19:07,643 I'm not bloody magic! 392 00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:10,123 -He's not bloody magic, mate. -I'd be wasting my time on that. 393 00:19:10,203 --> 00:19:11,883 -Pointless, innit? -That's not the attitude! 394 00:19:11,963 --> 00:19:13,203 -Oh, is it not? -No, it isn't! 395 00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:14,883 -You do it, then. -I will! 396 00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:17,763 Good! Keep you busy, 'cause I can't get you any work at all. 397 00:19:17,843 --> 00:19:18,683 Brilliant. 398 00:19:19,363 --> 00:19:21,683 -[June] Don't matter though. -What doesn't? 399 00:19:21,763 --> 00:19:22,883 Being a loser. 400 00:19:24,083 --> 00:19:25,443 I still love ya. 401 00:19:26,803 --> 00:19:27,643 That's nice. 402 00:19:45,723 --> 00:19:47,843 -Oh, all right? -[Brian] Yeah, you? 403 00:19:47,923 --> 00:19:50,843 Yeah. You know, bearing up under the circumstances. 404 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,483 -What circumstances? -Well, Roxy. 405 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,083 What's happened to Roxy? 406 00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:00,043 -You know. -[Brian] No, what? 407 00:20:00,563 --> 00:20:02,963 -Well, she's my bird now, isn't she? -Yeah. 408 00:20:04,923 --> 00:20:05,763 And? 409 00:20:05,843 --> 00:20:08,523 And she's sucking off blokes left, right, and center, isn't she? 410 00:20:08,603 --> 00:20:09,443 Oh, right. 411 00:20:10,523 --> 00:20:11,363 I don't know. 412 00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:13,523 -You do know 'cause I'm telling ya. -Yeah, but why? 413 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:16,443 -It plays on my mind. -Okay, right. 414 00:20:18,723 --> 00:20:20,203 I don't know what you want me to say. 415 00:20:20,283 --> 00:20:21,523 [sighs] 416 00:20:21,603 --> 00:20:22,443 Gas bill. 417 00:20:23,043 --> 00:20:23,883 Right. 418 00:20:25,923 --> 00:20:26,763 See ya. 419 00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:29,643 [Brian] See ya. 420 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,043 [Brian sighs] 421 00:20:41,683 --> 00:20:42,883 [Brian] Ugh. 422 00:20:44,323 --> 00:20:45,723 It's nice, innit, just to-- 423 00:20:46,883 --> 00:20:48,763 -just to sit down. -[laughs] 424 00:20:48,843 --> 00:20:50,203 -End of the day. -Yeah. 425 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:53,603 I've actually been sat down most of the day at the-- 426 00:20:54,763 --> 00:20:57,243 You weren't wearing a pink jumper at work though, were you? 427 00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,483 It's not. It's salmon. 428 00:20:58,563 --> 00:20:59,803 Salmon pink, yeah. 429 00:20:59,883 --> 00:21:03,163 With no T-shirt on underneath. Interesting. 430 00:21:03,243 --> 00:21:07,363 Just like the feel of wool against your skin? 431 00:21:07,443 --> 00:21:11,083 Well, it's merino wool, so it's super soft. Um-- 432 00:21:11,163 --> 00:21:13,483 -You were a bit hot. -I did have a T-shirt on, yeah. 433 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:14,443 So I thought, 434 00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:18,123 "T-shirt off, jumper on." 435 00:21:18,203 --> 00:21:20,603 -[Brian] Sure. -And never looked back. 436 00:21:23,163 --> 00:21:24,043 Oh, um, 437 00:21:24,683 --> 00:21:27,643 -Jill got you a house plant. -I mean, it's for both of you. 438 00:21:29,203 --> 00:21:31,243 How can a house plant be for both of us? 439 00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:33,923 -I live alone. -Well, I just-- 440 00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:36,443 I can look at it when I come round. 441 00:21:36,523 --> 00:21:38,843 Um, she was just being polite, okay? 442 00:21:38,923 --> 00:21:40,843 -So Emma didn't feel left out. -[Brian] Right. 443 00:21:41,483 --> 00:21:42,403 Thank you. 444 00:21:45,523 --> 00:21:48,123 Don't water it too much. Um-- 445 00:21:48,203 --> 00:21:49,523 It's a cactus, so-- 446 00:21:51,323 --> 00:21:52,563 I like your painting. 447 00:21:53,523 --> 00:21:54,403 It's one of Lisa's. 448 00:21:55,643 --> 00:21:58,003 -It's not one of her best. -What do you mean? 449 00:21:58,083 --> 00:21:59,923 -No, I just-- -If you don't like it, I'll have it. 450 00:22:00,003 --> 00:22:03,043 I do like it. I'm just saying that's how good an artist she was, 451 00:22:03,123 --> 00:22:04,603 that it's not one of her best. 452 00:22:04,683 --> 00:22:07,563 -Right. -Please don't be like this, okay? 453 00:22:08,843 --> 00:22:10,763 Uh, I think I'm gonna go. 454 00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:13,923 -Okay, am I coming with you? -No. 455 00:22:14,643 --> 00:22:19,003 I'm not in the mood. I knew I wouldn't be. But, no, seriously, stay. 456 00:22:19,523 --> 00:22:21,523 Uh, I'll be fine. 457 00:22:23,683 --> 00:22:24,523 Thank you. 458 00:22:27,323 --> 00:22:29,283 -Uh, I-- -[Emma laughs nervously] 459 00:22:29,963 --> 00:22:31,563 I'm so sorry about that. 460 00:22:32,883 --> 00:22:33,923 He's still not well. 461 00:22:34,003 --> 00:22:35,483 He's fine. 462 00:22:36,363 --> 00:22:40,683 He's obviously still in love with Lisa, and I'm never gonna be a substitute, 463 00:22:41,203 --> 00:22:43,203 and I think he wants everyone to know that. 464 00:22:47,403 --> 00:22:49,123 -We think you're so-- -Cool. 465 00:22:49,203 --> 00:22:51,203 -Great for-- -Very-- Very good. 466 00:22:51,283 --> 00:22:52,563 -Patient. -And kind. 467 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,443 -Well, I'm a grown-up. [chuckles] -[Matt chuckles] 468 00:23:10,763 --> 00:23:11,763 [wheels squeal] 469 00:23:15,323 --> 00:23:16,523 Don't overwater it. 470 00:23:18,683 --> 00:23:19,563 Cunt. 471 00:23:39,923 --> 00:23:45,163 ♪ Snow lightly falling On the collar of my coat ♪ 472 00:23:46,123 --> 00:23:50,363 ♪ Silence lies heavy on the pines… ♪ 473 00:23:53,203 --> 00:23:54,043 Thoughts? 474 00:23:54,923 --> 00:23:56,283 [Tony] Best snowman ever! 475 00:23:56,363 --> 00:23:58,163 -Snowperson! -[Tony] Oh. Yeah. 476 00:23:58,243 --> 00:23:59,363 -Yeah. -[Tony] My bad. 477 00:23:59,883 --> 00:24:01,363 -Could be either gender. -Mm-hmm. 478 00:24:03,283 --> 00:24:05,083 [Tony] With a carrot for her massive cock. 479 00:24:05,163 --> 00:24:06,923 [laughs] 480 00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:08,843 -Correct! -[Tony] You hadn't thought it through. 481 00:24:08,923 --> 00:24:10,883 Picking me up on sexist language! 482 00:24:12,003 --> 00:24:13,123 It's a lovely cock. 483 00:24:14,003 --> 00:24:15,683 [both laugh] 484 00:24:16,283 --> 00:24:18,483 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 485 00:24:18,563 --> 00:24:21,443 ♪ Back to the beginning again? ♪ 486 00:24:22,243 --> 00:24:24,763 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 487 00:24:24,843 --> 00:24:26,843 ♪ Back to the beginning? ♪ 488 00:24:28,723 --> 00:24:31,003 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 489 00:24:31,083 --> 00:24:33,763 ♪ Back to the beginning again? ♪ 490 00:24:35,003 --> 00:24:38,963 ♪ Some place back Where we were just beginning? ♪ 491 00:24:41,403 --> 00:24:43,243 ♪ We were just beginning ♪ 492 00:24:54,243 --> 00:24:55,803 ♪ I'm sorry, son ♪ 493 00:24:55,883 --> 00:24:59,843 ♪ I never told you Which way you should go ♪ 494 00:25:00,483 --> 00:25:04,643 ♪ I was taught You gotta learn that on your own ♪ 495 00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:09,323 ♪ But now here in this moment ♪ 496 00:25:09,403 --> 00:25:12,443 ♪ Listening to you on the phone ♪ 497 00:25:12,963 --> 00:25:17,523 ♪ It occurs to me You must have felt alone ♪ 498 00:25:18,523 --> 00:25:20,803 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 499 00:25:20,883 --> 00:25:23,683 ♪ Back to the beginning again? ♪ 500 00:25:24,763 --> 00:25:27,323 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 501 00:25:27,403 --> 00:25:29,763 ♪ Back to the beginning? ♪