1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,120 Oh, you cunt! 2 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,840 Oh! Oh! 3 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,336 - Gimme it. - No need to swear. 4 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:38,040 Give that to me. You're such a menace with that thing! 5 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,840 Come on. Go on. Good girl. 6 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,240 Come on. Good girl. 7 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:58,840 Ah! 8 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,280 - Oh my God! Oh my God! - Prat! 9 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,200 Maybe life is still worth living. 10 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,920 - Oh my God. - That's not funny, actually. It could've... 11 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,320 Wow. I disagree. 12 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,160 - Tony, could you clear this up? - No. 13 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,400 Hurt my elbow as well. 14 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:32,760 Fuck's sake, come on! 15 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,040 I'm stretching. I like to do things properly. 16 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,400 Like wear whites for tennis. 17 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,320 Just fucking give me the ball. 18 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,680 Yeah, Tony, please watch your language, okay? 19 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,000 Fifteen-love. 20 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:49,720 Ugh. 21 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,760 Oh, come on, Matthew! 22 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:56,800 Oh. 23 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,960 - One-love. - All right, change ends. 24 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,200 - No, fuck that. - What? 25 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,120 That's what you do after the first game. 26 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,376 To keep it fair. But the sun's in my eyes, you daft cunt. The advantage is to you. 27 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,200 Can you not keep saying words like that here, please? 28 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,960 - Fucking hell. - All right, just... 29 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,880 Oh. 30 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,040 No! No! 31 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,040 Ow! No, you don't. 32 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,120 Oh! 33 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,160 Grow up. 34 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,240 Oh! 35 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,080 Oh. 36 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,160 Unlucky. 37 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:46,920 Good game. 38 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,360 - I mean, look at you. - What? 39 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,160 - It's a piss-take, mate. - What is? 40 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,120 You look like Maradona. 41 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,200 Not in the '80's. In the... 42 00:02:58,120 --> 00:02:59,320 Right before he died. 43 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,080 - After he died. - Don't get nasty. 44 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:07,880 Who won? 45 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:09,760 He did, but... 46 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,120 - Really? - Yeah. 47 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,360 Obviously I can never go back there again. The language was appalling. 48 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,680 Effing and jeffing all over. He'd have been disqualified from Wimbledon. 49 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,960 - Fucking Wimbledon. - See what I mean? 50 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,080 That's nothing. He shouted at a bloke with a baby in the cafe the other day, 51 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,960 everyone looking, calling him a cunt. 52 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,520 For very good reason. 53 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,160 - Why? - He was a cunt. 54 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,440 Ugh. Could never use that word. 55 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,160 Shows lack of vocabulary. If a bloke uses that word, I go right off him. 56 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,840 What if he's calling Hitler a cunt? 57 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:37,920 Straight to Hitler. 58 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,080 It doesn't bother you, does it? 59 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,520 No, it don't bother me, but I wouldn't use it around a lady if she didn't like it. 60 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,200 So I've either got to stop using it around you or get you to enjoy it. 61 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,920 I'll get you to use it brilliantly. It'll change your life. Trust me. 62 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,160 - You will never hear me use that word. - We'll see. 63 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,480 Talking of vocabulary, I've got a date with a teacher, so... 64 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,560 Good. What does he teach? 65 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,280 Dunno. Why? 66 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:08,640 Well, if it's science, I probably wouldn't go on about ghosts and horoscopes. 67 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,480 Why? That's science too. 68 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,880 No, it's not. 69 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,960 It's the opposite. Trust me. 70 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:17,960 There she is. 71 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,920 You all right? Here's one. 72 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,520 - Why did the chicken cross the road? - Dunno. 73 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,360 To get away from the smell of two gypsies fucking my wife. 74 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,800 8:00 in the morning that was, back of Safeway. 75 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,040 Disgusting. 76 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,640 Why do you always say stuff like that to me? They're not even proper jokes. 77 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,720 Hmm, comedy critic now, are we? 78 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,000 Also, it's racist. 79 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,760 Shut up! Why? 80 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,840 - "The smell of 2 gypsies fucking my wife?" - The smell was coming from her! 81 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,280 Use your noggin. She had a terrible feminine hygiene problem. 82 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,120 Do you want me to spell it out for you? I had to bloody live with it. 83 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,400 The two lads, good as gold. Clean as you like, Danny Richards and Sid Nash. 84 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,040 Lovely pair of boys. She was the one that stank. 85 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,720 I said, "You've got a proper odor going on in that big old cabbage of yours." 86 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,160 She didn't bloody care. 87 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,640 She'd say, "Oh, if God had wanted my snatch to smell nice, 88 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,560 he wouldn't put it next to me arsehole." 89 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:12,680 I know, you're thinking, "Oh, that's a good point, Brian." No, it isn't. 90 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,440 Her arsehole wasn't a problem. Go figure. 91 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,640 Hmm. 92 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:18,800 Wow. Morning, gang. 93 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,400 All right, Brian, um, 94 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:23,640 can you do me a favor? 95 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:24,720 Depends. 96 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,080 My postman is proper depressed at the moment. 97 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,000 He's feeling very low about his life. 98 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:36,320 And I thought if he spoke to someone with a genuinely awful existence, 99 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,400 it might make him feel better about his own situation. 100 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,040 - Not a problem. Leave it with me. - Cheers. 101 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,520 I'll have some tea. Tea time. 102 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,760 Right. Squash. 103 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:48,720 - What? - Squash. 104 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:54,200 Oh, uh, no need. I've proved my point, and you're right. I feel less aggressive. 105 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:55,560 - Oh, chicken? - No. 106 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,200 Well, sounds like you're chicken. 107 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,880 - No. - Is squash too much for you? 108 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,240 - No. - You played before? 109 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,440 Not this century, but that won't be a problem. 110 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,200 Oh, great. Won't be a problem. Great. Yeah, see you on court. 111 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,080 He's never gonna win at anything. I'm never gonna let that happen. 112 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,840 Whatever I have to do, I will make sure... 113 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,720 Look at him. He's so wired. 114 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,400 He can't stand it. He can't believe I've beaten him. 115 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:28,520 So you were childhood sweethearts and, uh, then you lost touch? 116 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,680 Yes. We met in 1957. 117 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:35,080 I was 16 and Bill was 17. 118 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,960 I was working at the factory. Bill was working as a groundsman. 119 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:43,200 And we went together for a year or so, and we split up. 120 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,320 - Do you remember why? - Don't remember what I had for breakfast! 121 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,520 He drank too much. Always drunk. 122 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,480 - I don't drink now. - I do. 123 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,760 So anyway, we sort of lost touch. 124 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,840 We met other people, both got married, and that was that. 125 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,840 I think we bumped into each other a couple of times over the years. 126 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,160 So when we found out we'd both been widowed, 127 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:08,040 we had a cup of tea, and we hit it off again. 128 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,680 You never lose that spark. 129 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,800 We weren't gonna bother getting married, 130 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,120 but I'm Catholic, and I started feeling guilty about the sex. 131 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,200 Sex. 132 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,760 - Okay. Um, when is the wedding? - Uh... 133 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,200 - August 28th. - 28th. 134 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,920 - I'm getting married in August. - Fool. 135 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,920 Well, congratulations. I hope you have many wonderful years together. 136 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,640 Hopefully, I go first this time. 137 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,040 Hopefully in time for me to find someone else! 138 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:38,840 Take a picture. 139 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,280 Smile. 140 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,480 Great. 141 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,240 Did I hug Lisa enough? 142 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,880 Are you joking? I never met a couple more devoted to each other. 143 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:04,320 No, I know she knew I loved her, but did I actually say it out loud? 144 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,800 Did I remind her all the time? 145 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,880 Yeah, you did. It was obvious to everyone around, let alone her. 146 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:12,240 You're a good mate. 147 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,000 I'm just being honest. It's what I want too. 148 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,080 Meeting June's the best thing that ever happened to me. 149 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,040 Believe it or not, I'm not as in demand as you might think. 150 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,040 - You're a fine catch. - Hug? 151 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:27,600 - No, get away from me, you sweaty mollusk. - You just said I was a fine catch. 152 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,720 Yeah, but I meant like in one of those deep sea fishing shows 153 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,000 where they pull summat up from the bottom. 154 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,880 They thought it was extinct. 155 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,960 They don't even know what it is. It's just a blob. It could be a fish or a slug. 156 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,800 Back to normal, then. 157 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,000 - Nothing will ever be back to normal. - Oh, shit. Why did I say that? 158 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,880 Normal used to be us getting drunk and you sleeping on the couch. 159 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,520 Let's have a drink tonight. Nothing big. I'll make it home. 160 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:57,160 Yeah, all right. 161 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:13,920 Hey, boy. 162 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,760 - All right? - You all right? 163 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,280 - Yeah. - How's it going? 164 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,240 - All right, yeah. - Yeah? 165 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:20,840 Nice day, innit? 166 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,296 - Heard you're feeling a bit down. - Yeah. 167 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:26,760 Yeah. Talk to me. 168 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,600 Well, everyone knows what Roxy does for a living. 169 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,760 - I'm just embarrassed. - Embarrassed? 170 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,760 I'm probably delivering to blokes that have actually shagged her. 171 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:37,760 At the very least. 172 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,680 - What do you mean? - I doubt it's just a straightforward shag. 173 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,200 Get my drift? 174 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,760 Think about it, boy. Imagine all the things she has to do. 175 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,800 Missionary, missionary, missionary, missionary, missionary. Boring. 176 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,560 "Turn round. Let me see that ass." 177 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,160 Bored of that. 178 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,960 "Swivel round. Get your mouth around my naughty lolly." 179 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,800 "Watch those gnashers! Keep it gums." 180 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,080 "Lovely. There you go. Take the money." 181 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,280 "Now, go back to your postman boyfriend." 182 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,400 Know what I mean? 183 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,920 Listen, at least she gets paid for it. 184 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,520 Huh? My wife used to give it away. 185 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,520 Sometimes behind my back. Sometimes she'd make me film it. 186 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,120 How's that make me feel? I'm filming it. Looking through... How's that make me feel? 187 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,200 Worthless. 188 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,760 Like a slug feeding on bird shit, 189 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:31,000 in the rain, only to be trodden on 190 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,400 and left to die in agony. 191 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,360 What I'm trying to say is don't be a worthless slug like me. 192 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,360 Be a man. 193 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,360 See you soon. 194 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,560 - Hello. - Hello. 195 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:54,880 You're my son. 196 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:56,600 Yep. 197 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:58,960 How are you, Dad? 198 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,680 Uh, mustn't grumble. 199 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:03,200 And where have you been? 200 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,120 Australia. 201 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,520 Oh. Where's that? 202 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,840 You know, if you come out here and turn left, 203 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,440 it's about 10,000 miles. 204 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:14,720 Oh, right. 205 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,720 You're back now though, yeah? 206 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,680 - Yeah. - For good? 207 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,280 - Yep. - Hello. 208 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,720 - Hello. - Hi. 209 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,280 I was just, you know... 210 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,160 Hanging. 211 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,800 You should bring me, um, chess set. 212 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,360 Give you a game. You were pretty good when you were young. 213 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,160 - Was I? - Yeah. 214 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,080 Where is it? 215 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,160 Sideboard, with the sherry. 216 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,920 - I'll bring it in tomorrow. - Thanks. 217 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,520 I'd better go actually. I was just... 218 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,800 Well, I can take a quick break and walk with you if you like? 219 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,000 Yeah, sure. 220 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,080 - Bye, Dad. - Bye. 221 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:06,840 What are you doing? 222 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,600 Friends hold hands. 223 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:09,880 - Do they? - Yeah. 224 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,760 - Some men even hold hands. - Gay men. 225 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,160 No, straight men hold hands too sometimes. 226 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,160 What straight men walk along the street holding hands? 227 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,680 In Spain, and they're not gay. 228 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,280 Well, some are. 229 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,840 - Not many. Very macho. Bullfighters. - Right. 230 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,320 Bullfighters aren't gay. 231 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,360 No. In their little berets and their sequinned tights, 232 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,720 dancing around having roses thrown at them. 233 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,240 Definitely not gay. 234 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,640 Sadistic cunts. 235 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,720 But not gay. Where are we going? 236 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:45,560 ♪ We can't play this game anymore ♪ 237 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:50,480 ♪ But can we still be friends? ♪ 238 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:56,600 ♪ Things just can't go on like before ♪ 239 00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:01,560 ♪ But can we still be friends? ♪ 240 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,560 - What are you doing? - Daffodil. 241 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,520 Yeah. Criminal damage. 242 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,680 Fuck. I was picking it for you, you miserable sod! 243 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,320 ♪ The wheel to turn ♪ 244 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,640 ♪ Things are said ♪ 245 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,160 Right, come on, then. 246 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,840 So as some of you might know, 247 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:23,040 it is the 500-year anniversary of the Tambury Fair 248 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,960 and muggins here has been asked 249 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,640 to make sure the Tambury Players provide a bit of culture. 250 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,960 Now, I've roped in Coleen. 251 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,760 She's gonna be covering the behind-the-scenes organizing, 252 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,760 and also she's gonna be doing a big feature on us. 253 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:36,720 Ooh. 254 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,280 Typical of me to get us in the spotlight, isn't it? 255 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,400 So, come on, then. What are we gonna do? We need some ideas. Ooh. 256 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,960 - Any thoughts? Something historical. - Les Misérables. 257 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:49,240 Les Misérables did happen in the past. We can't really do that though, can we? 258 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,000 I'm not paying for that. Fuck that. 259 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,960 I got done with that for Evita. 260 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,960 Still paying that off. 261 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:59,040 No, we need something interactive, you know, where you can walk around. 262 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,720 A bit promenade. 263 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:04,600 People coming up to you. A viking coming up, you know, raping and pillaging. 264 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,680 Not actually. 265 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,680 A monk coming up to you, blessing you. Stuff from the past! 266 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:12,440 A pirate ship. I don't know. A pig! Just a pig running around. 267 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,200 Is that a good idea? I don't know. 268 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:17,400 Come on! It can't just be me. What other ideas have we got? 269 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,560 I can be an out-of-work Shakespearean actor. 270 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,880 Oh, don't start, James. 271 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,840 We're all just having fun, okay? We've all given up our own time to be here. 272 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,920 Yeah, but you don't have to deliver papers, do you? 273 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,800 Well, nor do you. You dump most of 'em. 274 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,600 Look, things aren't going well for me at the minute and... 275 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,880 They've never gone well for you, James. 276 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,160 What about me? I backed the wrong horse with you. 277 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,080 Now, look, I'm a bit worried about him 278 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,320 because without performing, he's got absolutely nothing going for him. 279 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,160 Yeah, this is performing. What more do you want? 280 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,240 But it's just amateur, isn't it? It's all amateur! 281 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,360 Amateur? Amateur? Don't you dare. 282 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,360 I'm a professional actor and director, I'll have you know. 283 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:02,120 - What you been in? - Taxi Driver, the musical, Wigan. 284 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,640 Any good? 285 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,160 Oh, well, you tell me. 286 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,760 ♪ Are you talking to me? 'Cause I'm talking to you ♪ 287 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,720 ♪ I don't see anyone else You could be fucking talking to ♪ 288 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:12,640 Bang, bang! 289 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,440 ♪ I'm a taxi driver ♪ 290 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,760 ♪ I drive through the night Picking up who I like ♪ 291 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,680 Bang, bang! 292 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,400 ♪ I'm a taxi driver ♪ 293 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:25,000 ♪ If you're dealing crack Then you'll get one in the back from me ♪ 294 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,080 ♪ Tonight! ♪ 295 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,440 Taxi! 296 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,400 He's good. 297 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:55,360 - People don't often click the waiter now. - Can I give you the wine list? 298 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,960 I think it's "May I give you the wine list?" 299 00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,760 - Sorry. - Thank you. 300 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,440 Do you know about wine? 301 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,600 Um, not really. I like prosecco. 302 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,360 - Shall I order? - Yeah. 303 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,520 May we have a couple of glasses 304 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,880 of Chianti Classico 2017, I think, please? 305 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,880 - And then we'll take it from there. - Which one's that? 306 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:25,840 I can't be much more specific than the Chianti Classico 2017, 307 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,200 which is written down there in black and white. 308 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,760 - Right. - Be knowledgeable about your job. 309 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,040 If your heart's not in it, maybe you shouldn't be here. 310 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,520 I'm on minimum wage, mate. 311 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,680 Work harder at school, mate. 312 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,600 Off he goes, tail between his legs. 313 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,240 So you work in... 314 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,920 Elbows off the table. You work in the newspaper industry? 315 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,440 - Yeah. Yeah. - For a newspaper? 316 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,520 Huh. 317 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,440 - Yeah. - Um, 318 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,800 I only really read The Guardian. 319 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,080 And occasionally Private Eye, but even then I'm off on a tangent. 320 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,840 I have got what I like to call a creative brain. 321 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:07,400 I write poetry. 322 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:10,720 Do you like poetry? 323 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,160 - Yeah. - Yes. 324 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,000 - Do you? - Yeah. 325 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,400 'Cause a lot of people say they like poetry, 326 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:22,120 but what they actually mean is they like If by Rudyard Kipling, 327 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,400 and they think that is in some way high art. 328 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,080 Like people who say they play... Elbows. 329 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,000 Like people who say they play chess 330 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,720 when what they actually mean is they know how the pieces are allowed to move. 331 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,000 Do you like chess? 332 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,360 - I don't... don't play it. - You don't play it. There we are. 333 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,360 - But you know how the pieces move? - I know some of the pieces. 334 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,440 There we are. 335 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,720 - Some. - Pardon? 336 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,520 In chess, there's a horse. A little horse. 337 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:52,920 There's a knight. 338 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,720 - And a... a prawn? - A pawn. 339 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,840 I play draughts. 340 00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,440 Draughts is easier, isn't it? 341 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:00,960 Draughts is a very simple game. 342 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,160 There you go. 343 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,840 This is one of your five a day. 344 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,960 - Grapes. - Yeah, exactly. 345 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:22,920 - Cheers. - Cheers. 346 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,200 Ah. 347 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,200 - You all right? - Yeah, good. Are you all right? 348 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,960 Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you something. 349 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,280 - All right. - Feel free to say no. It's not a big deal. 350 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,760 But I was wondering if you'd be my best man at the wedding. 351 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,720 Oh, fuck. 352 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:45,920 Am I really the best man though? 353 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,240 - You're the only man, to be honest. - Right. 354 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,600 Okay. 355 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,400 I mean, I've gotta say yes, haven't I? 356 00:18:58,440 --> 00:18:59,560 If I'm still alive. 357 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,200 - You're not still talking like that? - No, I mean, 358 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,040 I eat and drink too much. I might not make it till August. 359 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,280 Okay, as long as you die of natural causes, that's all right. 360 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,720 That's what I'm hoping for now. 361 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,440 Rather than be a best man at a wedding, I choose death. 362 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,480 I mean, I'm flattered. Fucking hell. 363 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,160 Have I gotta stay sober? 364 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,960 Maybe up until the speech. 365 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,600 Let's do the speech before the ceremony. 366 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:30,800 Right. Okay. 367 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,920 Knock it out. Let's do... 368 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,360 Um, 369 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,320 do you teach science? 370 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,400 Nope. 371 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:49,320 I work in the arts side of teaching. I teach English. 372 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,680 - Language and lit, together at last. - Oh, good. 373 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,080 - Um, I like horoscopes and that. - Pardon me? 374 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,960 I like horo... 375 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,320 - Horoscopes? - Yeah. 376 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,400 - Do you? - Do I like horoscopes? 377 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,920 - Yeah. - No. Of course not. 378 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,320 Claptrap, twaddle. 379 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:13,280 Wishful thinking 380 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,040 for the gullible and the desperate. 381 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:17,120 No offense. 382 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,120 Sit up. 383 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,440 Shoulders back. Elbows off the table, always. 384 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,760 - You looking forward to it? Married life? - Definitely. 385 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,640 Yeah. Yeah. Sure, I'm giving up playing the field, 386 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,480 but the, uh, pros outweigh the cons. 387 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:37,960 Good. 388 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,800 For example, I used to sit up all night watching telly, eating. 389 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,000 Now I still do that, 390 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,280 but I don't have to get up to get food anymore. She brings it to me. 391 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,560 - Brilliant. - Have to watch a bit of girly telly. 392 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:52,520 Like what? 393 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,640 The Crown, Fleabag, Great British Bake Off. 394 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,800 But if I see a cake I like 395 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,960 and I say, "Ooh, that looks good," I know I'll be eating it the next day. 396 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,600 So Great British Bake Off is like the Shopping Channel for you now? 397 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,680 - Yeah. - Amazing. What a life. 398 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,280 Two forward, one to the side. 399 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,360 Elbows. 400 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:13,360 Thank you. 401 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,480 - I'll get this. - Great. 402 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,920 Then you pay the tip. 403 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,200 - How much is it? - £38. 404 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,480 - Right. - So 15%. 405 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,000 Which is? 406 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,720 Well, what is 10% of 38? 407 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:36,520 £3.80. 408 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,600 £3.80, she's got it. 409 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,480 Then plus 50% would be? 410 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,280 I'll just leave a fiver. 411 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,360 That's not enough, is it? 412 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:46,880 - I'll leave a tenner. - Way too much. 413 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,920 - I'm a big tipper, all right? - All right. 414 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,280 Now then, what have we got here? 415 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,440 HSBC. Advanced UK debit. 416 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:57,680 Mustache! 417 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,080 Oh, Mustache? 418 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,840 - Uh, you seem happier recently. - Do I? 419 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:12,360 Yeah. 420 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,040 I'm just trying to get on with it, you know. 421 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:17,360 I certainly wanna get better, you know. 422 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,200 I wanna be a good person. 423 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:22,760 But sometimes, 424 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,040 I just can't be bothered. 425 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,040 It's too hard. 426 00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,920 We talk a good talk, but when it comes to it, 427 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:35,440 we sort of run and hide from, you know, real sacrifice. Like, 428 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,960 would I give my kidney to a stranger? 429 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,400 No. Definitely not. 430 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,840 I wouldn't give it to you. But some people do. 431 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:45,800 How are they that good? 432 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:47,800 I mean, that's incredible, 433 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,200 and I wanna do something good, you know? 434 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,240 I wanna make a sacrifice. I wanna 435 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,480 make a difference, 436 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,400 but then I think, 437 00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,360 "What's the point?" 438 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,720 So I give my kidney to someone, 439 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,320 but they're gonna die anyway one day, so 440 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:07,400 who cares? 441 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,960 When I see kids playing now, I don't think, 442 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,176 "Oh, look. They've got their whole lives ahead of 'em." 443 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,680 I think, "They'll all be dead one day, so all this is pointless." 444 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,760 Will you let me edit the best man speech? 445 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,680 But I guess what I'm saying is I don't care about death anymore. 446 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,280 You know, I don't mean I wanna die. 447 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,480 I mean whatever. 448 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,760 I'm not angry anymore. I don't want to punish the world. 449 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:34,000 I've had my life, and now there's nothing more to add. 450 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,400 And it annoys me that people think I can have that again with someone else. 451 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,440 Like I can replace Lisa. I can't. 452 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,160 And I'm cool with that 453 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:47,200 because it makes my time with her even more beautiful, even more precious. 454 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,560 And everything I've got now is because of her. 455 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,680 She paid off the mortgage on the house. She took out life insurance. 456 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,720 I've got 150 grand, and I haven't... 457 00:23:58,640 --> 00:23:59,720 I haven't collected it. 458 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,880 You've got 150 grand? 459 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,440 Yeah, I haven't cashed the check, 460 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,080 because I don't want it. 461 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,280 'Cause of 462 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,160 how I got it. 463 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,600 Tony, please tell me you'll cash it, 464 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,880 even if it's only to take it off a fucking insurance company. 465 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,240 Get that, will ya? I don't want to disturb the dog. 466 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,920 - What? - Go on. 467 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:29,840 Oh, all right. 468 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,240 - It's Kath. - Oh. 469 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:38,120 You all right? 470 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,280 - Yeah. - How was it? 471 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:45,680 I can't describe it. 472 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:47,800 What was he like? 473 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,000 An absolute cunt. 474 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,760 I'm so proud of you. Do you want a drink? 475 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,640 - Yes, please. - Get Kath a glass, will ya? 476 00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,880 - What? - Come on! I can't. 477 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,280 I mean, the attitude. 478 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:08,080 ♪ I listened to the wind To the wind of my soul ♪ 479 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:16,640 ♪ Where I'll end up Well, I think only God really knows ♪ 480 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,800 ♪ I've sat upon the setting sun ♪ 481 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,680 ♪ But never, never, never, never ♪ 482 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,600 ♪ I never wanted water once ♪ 483 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,720 ♪ No, never, never, never ♪ 484 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:49,040 ♪ I listened to my words But they fall far below ♪ 485 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,160 ♪ I let my music take me Where my heart wants to go ♪ 486 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,480 ♪ I swam upon the Devil's lake ♪ 487 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:09,640 ♪ But never, never, never, never ♪