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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- What are you doing?
- Well, I didn't want to disturb you.
2
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What do you mean?
3
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I was gonna come in
and eat at the table,
4
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but I didn't know if you was
busy so I'm having it here.
5
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,880
But those aren't the only
two options, are they,
6
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,440
eat in my house or
just outside my house?
7
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- There's the rest of the fucking world.
- All right, don't get the hump!
8
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,760
So, did you talk to that bird about me?
9
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Yeah.
10
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She'll meet up...
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for a meal, or whatever.
12
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- Really?
- Yeah.
13
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- And you was honest about me?
- Pretty much.
14
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What, and she still wants to meet me?
What's the catch?
15
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:53,360
Well, she wanted me to be
honest about her to you as well.
16
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She's a sex worker.
17
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- A prossie?
- Yeah.
18
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Result!
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You're not bothered?
20
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She ain't got AIDS, has she?
21
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Would that be a deal-breaker?
22
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No.
23
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No, she hasn't got AIDS.
24
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And she's lovely, and smart, and funny.
25
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She'll earn a few quid for that an' all.
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Just split the bill.
27
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- Lovely jubbly.
- Right, OK...
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- Off we go.
- Why?
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'Cause it's weird, a postman
having a picnic in your garden.
30
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What's weird about it?
31
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Get out.
32
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Where's all this coming from?
33
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Out! Fuckin' hell.
34
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You all right, George?
35
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- Yeah.
- Yeah?
36
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Are Mum and Dad getting a divorce?
37
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I don't know.
38
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I want them to still be my mum and dad.
39
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Whatever happens,
even if they're not always together,
40
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,920
they'll still be your mum and dad,
and love you, and...
41
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,360
be an even better mum and dad,
42
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you can play them off against
each other, get anything you want.
43
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- What toy do you want?
- Dunno.
44
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Well, think big. I reckon you'll
be able to get a quad bike.
45
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Maybe even a crossbow,
if you play your cards right.
46
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You'll be living the dream.
47
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You'll be like, "Mum, Dad,
I'm off down the pub. Don't wait up."
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It'll be fine.
49
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- Hi, George.
- Hi.
50
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- Morning.
- Oh, happy birthday!
51
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- How did you know?
- It's on your records.
52
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- Oh, yeah.
- Any plans?
53
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Just a meal at home with my family.
54
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- Who will cook, your mum or your dad?
- Me.
55
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Well, happy birthday.
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Thank you.
57
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Happy birthday!
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Thank you.
59
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- Cup of tea, then?
- Yes, please.
60
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No, you make it.
61
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Why?
62
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You're the work experience.
You have to start at the bottom.
63
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It's Sandy's birthday,
make her a cup of tea.
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- It's your birthday?
- Er, yeah.
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- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
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Is there going to be cake?
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Just make the tea!
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God!
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Is there gonna be any cake, though?
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So, you're a Virgo?
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- Yeah.
- Yeah.
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Do your horoscope for you if you like?
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Nah, 'cause it's pointless.
74
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It's not pointless, actually.
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How can people born
around the same time,
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from all over the world, share
similar traits just because of that?
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- It's rubbish.
- It's true!
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Virgos are smart, modest,
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capable, dedicated.
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See? Fits, don't it?
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Yeah, everyone likes to
think they're those things!
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That's why they make it flattering,
so you believe it. If it said,
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"Oh, you're boring, ugly,
thick, and shit at everything,"
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you wouldn't go back, would ya?
85
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Also, they make it vague
so you can make it fit.
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I want to see one in the paper that
says, "Happy birthday, Rita Wainthrope
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of 7 Acacia Drive, Wigan.
88
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You're going to get
fired from your job today
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'cause everyone hates you and
the boss thinks you're a slut."
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Then I'd believe it.
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Always have to get silly, don't you?
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You all right?
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Yeah.
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I'm just... feeling a bit...
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I dunno... 30.
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Yeah, I hated 30.
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Quite liked 40.
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Fifty was all right.
99
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It's not your age, is it?
It's what's happening...
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in your life.
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Not a lot.
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Do you want to go for a coffee?
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- Yeah.
- Come on, then.
104
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Do you know what my parents
got me for my birthday?
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A set of saucepans and a super mop.
106
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What's super about it?
107
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It's got an ultra-absorbent sponge head.
108
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It cleans, dries, and absorbs in one go.
109
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- Sure.
- Do you know how?
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Wring-Max technology.
111
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For maximum wringing.
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Good. Good.
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I feel bad whinging to you.
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My problems probably seem so trivial.
115
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No, not at all.
116
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Also...
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I've been wanting to apologize
for something I said once too.
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What?
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When I asked you to be happy.
120
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I realized it's a stupid thing to say.
121
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No, it's...
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You wanted me to be happy.
123
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I get it.
124
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People think that...
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all those things I miss doing with Lisa,
126
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I could just do them anyway,
and it'll make me feel better.
127
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But, um... they're missing the point.
128
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I don't miss doing things with Lisa,
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I miss doing nothing... with Lisa.
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Do you know what I mean?
Just... sitting at home,
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wouldn't even have to go out,
or do anything, or even talk,
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you know, just...
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sitting there, knowing she was there.
134
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Sometimes, I'd just look over at her.
135
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This has turned out well again.
136
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Ah...
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So, does it do lino,
and tiles, and wood?
138
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It does everything.
139
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- Brilliant!
- Yeah.
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What do you drive?
141
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It's a little Mini...
142
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But I don't drive it now,
I'm trying to minimize...
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- Hiya.
- Hi.
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Hiya, just... Simon, isn't it?
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- Yeah.
- Yeah. Tony.
146
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You're here a lot.
147
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- Yeah, my mum's in here.
- Oh, right.
148
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Yeah, it breaks my heart.
They all break my heart, I love 'em all.
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I wish I could take them all home.
150
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Aw... That's sweet.
151
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Maybe start with your mum first,
take her home, and...
152
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Yeah, I can't,
not with my circumstances at the moment.
153
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,440
- Oh.
- I do what I can.
154
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Maybe everyone's in the same boat.
155
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- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
156
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Nice to meet ya.
157
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- Yeah.
- Okay.
158
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See you later, babe.
159
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Fuckin' hell!
160
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What?
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Him.
162
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What about him?
163
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He's doing his...
"sensitive man" thing, isn't he?
164
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He's trying to be all kind and
lovely to you, to impress you.
165
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I don't know. Call me old-fashioned,
166
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but it kinda works,
being kind and lovely.
167
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It's fake!
168
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,480
He probably works in a bank and
has people's houses repossessed.
169
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He's doing his...
170
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:41,120
"Oh, you know, I'm so caring
in a cruel world, in't I?"
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00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,455
His... "Oh, isn't famine awful?"
172
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"I'd like to take them
all to McDonald's, babe."
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Stop it!
174
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Oh...
175
00:07:51,247 --> 00:07:55,294
Well... I don't feel the same
about him the way I do about you.
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Good.
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00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:00,040
But, well... you're not an option,
are you?
178
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I think you're brilliant, Tony, and...
179
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,960
But at least he doesn't go on
about another woman the way you do.
180
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:11,040
And I know... I understand, Tony,
I get why you do, and it's...
181
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,520
it's lovely, it really is.
182
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,240
But I don't want to be the other woman.
183
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,040
Oh, did I blow it? Sorry, I...
184
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,920
It's fine, really.
There's no need to be sorry. It's...
185
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I like this, though. I love this.
186
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Whatever this is.
187
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Just being with you... all the time,
188
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the same...
189
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,000
forever...
190
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,800
like Groundhog Day.
191
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Yeah, well...
192
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,880
I get all that, but...
193
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,640
not everyone's the same, Tony.
194
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Right.
195
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,560
I don't know whether
to psychoanalyze you
196
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,000
or take you down the vet and
get you fucking put down.
197
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,480
You gotta get out there, mate.
198
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:12,600
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
199
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,360
Dunk the monk.
200
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,960
Bang some beaver.
Shoot some Schpritz.
201
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,240
What's that?
202
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,680
It's Yiddish for spunk.
203
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,360
Oh, right.
204
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,440
Listen, the offer's still open if you
want to come out with me and the boys.
205
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,840
We're actually getting messy tonight,
as it goes.
206
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,520
Local pub crawl and a minge hunt.
207
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,520
Um... That's a very kind offer,
208
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,680
but I can't tonight, unfortunately.
209
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:41,840
Poof!
210
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:47,840
He's asking who you are.
211
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,720
They're from the local newspaper.
212
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,040
So...
213
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,920
when did you...
first discover you could speak to cats?
214
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,680
Well,
it was not long after my daughter died.
215
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,040
Um... he was her cat, you see.
216
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:08,000
And I just started talking to
him about missing Jenny, and...
217
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,160
we bonded.
218
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,560
It's nice to have someone
who understands.
219
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,520
Yep...
220
00:10:16,545 --> 00:10:18,010
...it is.
221
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,840
Uh... what's his name?
222
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,760
- Frank.
- Frank.
223
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,000
She named him after her dad.
224
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,320
That's my husband.
225
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,320
He passed away
a couple of years before Jenny.
226
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,840
Would you like another cup of tea?
227
00:10:35,666 --> 00:10:36,733
Uh...
228
00:10:36,758 --> 00:10:38,361
No, thanks. Um...
229
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,280
Uh... can we take a quick picture?
230
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,360
Oh, yeah.
231
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,231
- Great.
- Is that it, then?
232
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,180
Yeah.
233
00:10:49,011 --> 00:10:52,111
Are you hungry?
I could make you something to eat.
234
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,720
No. No, thanks.
235
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,000
Oh, all right, then.
236
00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,600
- Thanks very much.
- Thank you.
237
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,600
- Right, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. Thank you.
238
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,240
That's so sad.
239
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,920
- She's happy enough.
- No, she's not.
240
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,080
She wants to tell her story.
241
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,960
She wants to see her husband and
her daughter's name in the paper.
242
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,520
The cat thing's just an in.
243
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:17,760
She's lonely.
244
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,240
- Did you forget something?
- Um...
245
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,000
Sorry about your husband and daughter.
246
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,000
Oh, thank you.
247
00:11:32,384 --> 00:11:33,563
Frank and Jenny?
248
00:11:33,588 --> 00:11:35,025
Yes.
249
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,308
Bye-bye.
250
00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:39,494
Oh, bye-bye. Thank you.
251
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:51,280
If I could live till he's 50,
that would make me happy.
252
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,280
I don't think he'll live longer than
that, to be honest. Think he'd struggle.
253
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,080
He struggles now.
254
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,560
Roger Realms.
255
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,240
Have I told you about him?
Roger by name, Roger by nature?
256
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,200
Who's Roger Realms?
257
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,160
Agent. Used to work with him.
258
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,240
Would only sign black lads.
259
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,200
I'd often wander into Roger's
dressing room, and there he'd be
260
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,080
with some boy hanging off him,
he was basically an arse peg.
261
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:20,120
Went early doors with AIDS,
but good luck to him, you know.
262
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,040
God bless you, Roger.
263
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,200
I've run a few of these
little local newspapers
264
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,480
around the country. I know that
doesn't make me Rupert Murdoch.
265
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,440
But this is the only
one that loses money.
266
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,960
- Is it?
- Effectively, yes.
267
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,880
I mean, I own the building,
so it's not a massive problem.
268
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,000
Look, the fact is,
uh... I'm semi-retired.
269
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,480
And I'm wondering is it...
270
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,400
is it worth the headache?
271
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,600
I mean, I'm just thinking
I could throw in the towel.
272
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,520
Sell the property and
get a nice lump sum.
273
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,680
Could you give us more time,
do you think?
274
00:13:02,971 --> 00:13:04,571
Uh...
275
00:13:04,596 --> 00:13:06,150
Just if we could...
276
00:13:06,175 --> 00:13:07,615
- make more money, then...
- Look...
277
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,056
- We could find a way, I'm sure.
- OK.
278
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,560
I mean, it's going to take a bit
of time to sell the property,
279
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,600
get all the paperwork right. Um...
280
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,280
And if you can...
281
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:20,080
Well, if you can make me an offer I
can't refuse, yes, then I'll look at it.
282
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,400
But quite frankly, I...
283
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,520
I'm sorry,
but I really don't see that happening.
284
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,840
- Sorry.
- No, I'm sorry...
285
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,040
that we're not making much money.
286
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,160
- So, speak soon.
- OK, thank you.
287
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:48,720
OK, everyone? Um...
288
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,680
Listen up. That was Mr. Middleton, Paul.
289
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,280
Some of you know, he, um,
owns the paper and the building.
290
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:58,240
Um...
291
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,320
He wants to stop running the paper.
292
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:01,880
What, sell it?
293
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,320
Well, he wants to...
294
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,280
um... close the paper,
295
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,360
and then sell the building.
296
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,920
He'll sell it to a property developer.
This will be luxury flats.
297
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,000
Well, I'll be all right.
298
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,760
Tambury Brewery have already
said they'd take me on.
299
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:17,720
Think the boss fancies me.
300
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:20,880
Right. Well...
301
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,760
Well, that's the end of The
Tambury Gazette, kids.
302
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:25,840
Don't worry,
303
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:28,720
we'll all just get another shitty
job that barely pays enough to live.
304
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,280
This is the only job I've ever liked.
305
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,000
I've got to have a job.
306
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,040
My mum's disabled.
307
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,760
And my daddy can't work.
308
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,680
My brother and sister, they're in
school, and they get nothing as it is.
309
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,600
- OK.
- So I've got to go find another job
310
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,080
- that I'll hate. Again.
- OK.
311
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,480
- Well, we'll save the paper, and...
- How?
312
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,000
We'll get more
revenue. Kath'll get more.
313
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,440
- How?
- 'Cause you're really...
314
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:58,240
good at your... job. You'll
charge more for advertising, like...
315
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:00,880
Tambury Brewery,
they'll pay more, won't they?
316
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,840
Or we get a loan.
317
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,640
Happens all the time.
We get a loan... We'll buy the...
318
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:10,200
building, and then we'll pay back
the loan with the profit from the...
319
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,760
the paper, and pay ourselves a wage,
320
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,840
and that'll be... then, it'll be our...
321
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,000
business to make it... work.
322
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,800
So, don't worry.
323
00:15:21,875 --> 00:15:23,635
You promise?
324
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,760
You... you'll save the paper?
325
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:30,880
Yeah, I will.
326
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,240
- OK.
- We will.
327
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:41,760
Hmm.
328
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,400
How are you?
329
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,800
Yeah... you know.
330
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,840
That's pretty positive coming from you.
331
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:58,120
I was trying to be all British and
not burden you with my... troubles.
332
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,440
Well, us British love gossip.
333
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:04,560
So, spill the beans.
334
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,080
Same, really. I'm... still a bit mental.
335
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,040
Trying hard to care about stuff.
336
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,400
And then today,
337
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,400
we find out that the owner of the paper,
338
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,600
he's selling up and...
339
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,851
we'll all lose our jobs.
340
00:16:20,876 --> 00:16:21,882
Oh, no.
341
00:16:21,907 --> 00:16:23,881
That's not the bad bit.
I was fine with that.
342
00:16:23,906 --> 00:16:27,920
But then Sandy starts crying 'cause
it's the only job she's ever liked,
343
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,760
and so, I've got to try and
save the paper for her sake.
344
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:36,000
And my brother-in-law, who was
sleeping on the floor of the office,
345
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,400
is now sleeping at Lenny's council house
346
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,440
'cause Lenny's shacked up with June,
347
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:45,760
who persuaded him to give her
fat kid a job at the paper.
348
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,680
Just think, if I'd have killed myself,
I'd have missed all this.
349
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:57,920
Brainstorming session.
350
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,640
How do we turn the paper around?
How do we make it more profitable?
351
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,080
We need to go more tabloid.
352
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:06,600
Gossip, celebrity stuff, fashion.
Who looks shit an' that, you know?
353
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,040
"Who looks shit an' that"?
354
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:09,560
Yeah.
355
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,240
Well, pictures of cellulite,
that kind of thing.
356
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,720
You know, amazing stories.
357
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,800
Paranormal, weird stuff.
358
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,160
I love that.
359
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,720
- Right.
- Right.
360
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,520
You want tabloid,
you want to speak to my agent, Ken.
361
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,280
Yeah, we did. He's mental.
362
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,440
Well, we could run the Liberace story.
363
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,240
N-No, we couldn't.
364
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,880
- Well, what is it?
- His agent reckons
365
00:17:31,905 --> 00:17:34,444
he was bummed by the ghost of Liberace.
366
00:17:34,469 --> 00:17:35,616
Mm-hmm.
367
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,320
- Well, it might be true.
- How the fuck can it be true?
368
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,440
We don't know everything
369
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,216
- about the paranormal.
- Lot of weird stuff.
370
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,840
Right. It's all about belief, isn't it?
371
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:47,000
You know, that's not up to us,
what people believe.
372
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,440
Papers are always covering
religious miracles and stuff.
373
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,400
- Yeah, and they're always bollocks.
- It's not for us to say.
374
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,040
It is for us to say, we're writing it.
375
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,360
Yeah,
but we're only reporting what was said.
376
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,560
- Right.
- Ghosts do exist, though.
377
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,320
Loads of people have seen 'em,
and there's no other explanation.
378
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,840
Well, there is another explanation:
379
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,760
they haven't seen them
'cause they don't exist.
380
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,200
How about that one?
381
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,360
No one has ever turned into a ghost.
382
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,920
When you die, they burn you or bury you,
you never exist again, the end.
383
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:21,360
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
384
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,600
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
385
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,600
♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪
386
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,520
♪ Dear Lisa ♪
387
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,080
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
388
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,495
All right, thank you so much!
389
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,880
- Right, cake!
- Yeah! Oh, definitely. Lovely.
390
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,320
- Right.
- I want some.
391
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,456
- Look at you at the front of the queue!
- I bought it!
392
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,720
- It's my birthday.
- I know, but I went and...
393
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,680
- Oh, fuck's sake.
- What?
394
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,040
- It's off. Yeah, it's fresh cream.
- No, it's not.
395
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:49,200
- It is.
- Oh, no.
396
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,536
- Smell it. Look.
- It's cherries.
397
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,560
Oh, you silly cunt!
398
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,160
- Oh, no. You come back!
- Don't do it. Don't hit me!
399
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:56,640
Go on, get him!
400
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:03,920
Ohh...
401
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,440
What'd you do that for?
402
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:08,520
You look sad.
403
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,680
- Right!
- Oh, that's a waste.
404
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,640
Right, OK.
I don't think this is helping, though.
405
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,360
- Oh, look, it's all over you.
- Don't. Kath, please. Stop.
406
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,800
As long as we're working
hard to turn things around.
407
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,400
- Some on your face as well.
- It's all right. OK. Yeah.
408
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,000
Fun's over, guys.
409
00:19:24,025 --> 00:19:25,409
Can I have a word in my office, please?
410
00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:26,993
Oh, God.
411
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,480
Don't, Kath, please. Stop trying to...
412
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,080
- Is this for everyone?
- Yeah.
413
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,320
Good stuff!
414
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,640
- You just had a cake fight?
- Yeah.
415
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,040
- Looks like fun.
- Mm.
416
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,896
- Can I have some?
- Go for it.
417
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,960
Thank you. OK, let's dive in.
One, two, three. Here we go.
418
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,000
- You like it?
- It's so good.
419
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,680
- What?
- It's really good.
420
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,400
- Huh?
- Delicious.
421
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,480
I can't understand a word you're saying,
but I love watching you eat.
422
00:19:53,855 --> 00:19:56,415
You're like a fat
toad eating a big worm.
423
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,860
A big creamy worm.
424
00:19:59,218 --> 00:20:00,215
Hmm?
425
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,040
Will you come for a
drink with me tonight?
426
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,320
- I prefer to drink alone.
- I know.
427
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,960
I'm just saying as a favor. Please?
I still want to talk to people.
428
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,680
The only person who listens is
my therapist, and I have to pay him.
429
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,600
- And he's an idiot.
- Right.
430
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,480
I only want to talk to you.
431
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,000
And Jill, obviously,
but that's not possible at the moment.
432
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,320
My life's falling apart, Tony.
433
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,440
I go from sleeping on the floor of
my office to taking Lenny's flat,
434
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,240
and in return,
I give his fat stepson a job
435
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,840
at a paper that I'm now gonna lose.
436
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,560
It's, like, the final straw.
437
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:28,640
Well...
438
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,800
actually, being needed is...
439
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:33,600
is a good thing.
440
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,000
You helped a mate
441
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,240
with his relationship,
gave his fat kid a job, you should be...
442
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:39,960
proud of yourself.
443
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,560
Right. You see,
you're making me feel better already.
444
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,120
Come on, please? One lousy pint.
445
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,520
All right. Fuckin' hell.
446
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,600
Thank you.
447
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,400
I'd get changed if I were you.
448
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,570
Yeah.
449
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,160
All right?
450
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,120
I'm Pat.
451
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,160
Er... Roxy. How you doing?
452
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,600
Yeah,
good. Yeah. Do you want to sit down?
453
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,160
Oh. Well, you didn't, uh, didn't flinch
when you first saw me, that's rare.
454
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,120
Yeah, and I made you laugh!
455
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,120
- I'm nervous. Nervous laughter.
- Oh, sorry.
456
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,080
I didn't mean... Yeah.
I dunno why I said that.
457
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,400
I was just a bit nervous.
I'm not a rapist or anything.
458
00:21:27,425 --> 00:21:28,551
- Oh, OK!
- Shouldn't have said rape.
459
00:21:28,575 --> 00:21:29,536
Want a drink?
460
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,345
- Er, yes.
- Yeah? What do you want?
461
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:33,409
- Um...
- I'm just having a house red.
462
00:21:33,434 --> 00:21:36,074
It's all right.
It's only four pound a glass, so...
463
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,480
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
464
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,320
OK. Um... IPA, please.
465
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,440
- And a...
- Large whiskey, please.
466
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,040
Oi oi! Matt!
467
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:48,160
How you doing?
468
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,416
- You all right?
- I'm all right, yeah.
469
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,640
These are my boys.
That's Ratty, the Nonce.
470
00:21:52,665 --> 00:21:53,648
- Hello.
- All right?
471
00:21:53,673 --> 00:21:55,440
Yeah. No, I've heard all about you two.
472
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,240
Yeah, he's got loads of other nicknames,
not just the Nonce. Pipe up.
473
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,680
Yeah. Fanny-tastic. Minge and Bracket.
474
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,800
Clitoris Allsorts.
475
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:04,360
Shit Nuts.
476
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,000
- Harold Shitmum.
- Queermint Rhino.
477
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,200
- The Growler Prowler. Billy the Cunt.
- Yeah.
478
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,320
Michael Parkinbum.
479
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,256
Look. That's the suicidal one with
the dead wife I was telling you about.
480
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,400
- Oh, yeah.
- You all right?
481
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,440
Shouldn't you have a
confidentiality agreement?
482
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,360
- I didn't say your name, mate.
- Right,
483
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,280
but... OK, yeah, no, good point.
484
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:24,200
So, you took my advice, yeah,
come down for a pussy hunt?
485
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,760
Oi oi! On a pussy hunt, are ya?
486
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,720
Come and join us, man.
487
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,496
- I'm not on duty, it's free of charge.
- No.
488
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,720
- Afraid I can't. Just having a couple.
- Oh, yeah? Nice jacket.
489
00:22:39,073 --> 00:22:40,401
Thanks.
490
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,680
Come on! What's the matter with you?
491
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,200
I should go check on Tony.
492
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,480
Go on,
then. Bang some beaver for us, yeah?
493
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:50,320
Yeah, go on. Have a good night.
494
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,920
Size of that mushroom!
495
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,736
It's like a quarter...
Only a quarter of it.
496
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,440
It's good value, innit, for you?
497
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,400
This was 13 quid.
498
00:23:00,807 --> 00:23:02,822
No, I'm serious. This was 13 quid.
499
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,520
So, how comes you're single, then?
500
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,520
'Cause I used to be twice this size.
501
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,200
No, I'm serious.
502
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:11,760
At my heaviest...
503
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,040
about 24 stone.
504
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,160
I lost it all, didn't I,
when I became a postman.
505
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,160
I think big blokes are sexy.
506
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:20,880
No, I was an absolute mess.
507
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,560
I was a car crash under there. I've
still got a lot of loose skin, but...
508
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,360
I'm saving up to get it sorted.
509
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:31,232
No, I'm serious.
It's 'orrible down there. 'Orrible.
510
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:32,840
Really bad.
511
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:34,960
I'm loving this.
512
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:36,680
Risotto? It's good!
513
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:37,920
No, this...
514
00:23:38,589 --> 00:23:39,695
the date.
515
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:40,800
I'm enjoying it as well.
516
00:23:40,825 --> 00:23:43,229
You know, I know you're out of my
league and that, but...
517
00:23:43,917 --> 00:23:45,159
Yeah.
518
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,120
No, it's good. It's been fun.
519
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,440
- Fuckin' hell.
- Maybe he's right, though.
520
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,000
Maybe I should bang some beaver.
521
00:23:55,755 --> 00:23:56,815
Bang some...?
522
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,440
Bang some beaver. His words, not mine.
523
00:23:58,520 --> 00:23:59,880
Yeah, exactly. They're his words,
524
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:02,560
they should never be said
by any other human being.
525
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:04,800
Fuckin' hell.
526
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,440
Can't hurt, though, can it?
527
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,040
What?
528
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,680
Chatting up a girl.
529
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,120
"Chatting up a girl"?
530
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,800
What about those two
over there? Don't look.
531
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,000
No. No.
532
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,920
They've come here for a quiet drink.
To talk to each other.
533
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,435
- Not to be chatted up by you.
- Why not? Come on, come over with me.
534
00:24:28,460 --> 00:24:29,495
No, no, no, no!
535
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:30,640
- Please?
- No.
536
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,680
Just sit over there with me. Not to
make a move, just sit at the table.
537
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,600
So, to talk to each other and drink?
Not to bother any...
538
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:38,680
Yeah.
539
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:41,640
All right.
540
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,560
Uh, anyone sitting here?
541
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,440
- Er, no, go for it.
- Great.
542
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,160
- This is pretty funky, isn't it?
- Sit down!
543
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:53,520
Please.
544
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,200
OK.
545
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:57,560
Right.
546
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:01,400
- Um... Are you...
- No.
547
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:06,720
Girls' night out?
548
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:07,800
Er, yeah.
549
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,280
Just to say, you can relax.
550
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,480
Uh... we're not married men...
551
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,200
as such. We're... I am married.
552
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,040
Um, but I'm separated.
Getting divorced, probably.
553
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,480
Um...
554
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:26,920
Tony's wife's died.
555
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:29,680
Um... of cancer.
556
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,120
So, it's totally, uh, legitimate.
557
00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:38,360
What is?
558
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:40,760
Just talking to us. It's not...
559
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:41,840
Sorry.
560
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:47,640
Yeah, and how's your mum?
561
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,480
- I think I'm out of practice.
- You reckon?
562
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,080
- 'Cause that was...
- Hi.
563
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,480
- Hi.
- Hi.
564
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,520
- Oh, you've, uh, met... Tony, I think.
- Yeah.
565
00:26:08,545 --> 00:26:09,545
Yeah.
566
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:13,320
Ah...
567
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:16,880
- 'Ave a good night.
- Yes.
568
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,280
- You OK?
- Yep.
569
00:26:18,695 --> 00:26:20,215
Just do it.
570
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:23,741
Go on, wank yourself off!
571
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:28,120
I reckon we've spent about the same,
so that's worked out.
572
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,480
We said we was going to go halves,
didn't we?
573
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:32,240
Let me get it.
574
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,000
- No, no, no...
- Let me get it.
575
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,360
- I'd like to get it.
- No.
576
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:36,800
Let's go halves.
577
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,040
And I tell you what, how about you
pay for the whole thing next time?
578
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,640
Do you want there to be a next time?
579
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,400
Yes. I mean...
580
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:47,440
- Oh, result!
- I do.
581
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,640
- I don't know what is happening here.
- Oh, smashing.
582
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,080
- You say it all out loud, don't you?
- Oh, sorry. Yeah.
583
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,160
Don't be sorry, it's nice.
584
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,920
- Shall we piss off, then?
- Yeah.
585
00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,000
Yeah.
586
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:01,440
Sort of.
587
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:07,960
Do you want me to walk you home?
588
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,000
Oh, no. I've, erm...
I've got to head off to work now.
589
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:13,200
Peak time.
590
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:14,640
Right, yeah...
591
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,200
- It's just a job.
- Yeah.
592
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,320
What time do you finish?
593
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:24,480
Not till early morning.
594
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:26,560
I might bump into you, then.
595
00:27:27,243 --> 00:27:28,483
Maybe.
596
00:27:28,594 --> 00:27:30,219
Well, have a good one.
597
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:34,680
- You have a good one.
- Yeah.
598
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,320
- See you later.
- See you later.
599
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:47,800
What are you doing?
600
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,040
Just filming that little
quiff you've done.
601
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,840
- Aw, I like it! It's cute.
- It's...
602
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,120
OK, everybody. Shush.
Could I have your attention, please?
603
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,360
Uh, we're going to have
the first dance now,
604
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,120
so I give you the bride and groom!
605
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,575
- That's my dress.
- Sorry.
606
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,320
♪ Love has truly ♪
607
00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:27,400
♪ Been good to me ♪
608
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,600
♪ Not even one sad day ♪
609
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:35,840
♪ Or minute have I had
since you've come my way ♪
610
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,840
♪ I hope you know ♪
611
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,360
♪ I'll gladly go ♪
612
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,600
♪ Anywhere you take me ♪
613
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:50,240
♪ It's so amazing to be loved ♪
614
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:55,440
♪ I'd follow you to the moon
in the sky above ♪
615
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:08,640
♪ I've got ♪
616
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,440
♪ Got to tell you ♪
617
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,400
♪ How you thrill me ♪
618
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:20,320
♪ I'm happy as I can be ♪
619
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:24,840
♪ You have come and
it's changed my whole world ♪
620
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,360
♪ Bye-bye, sadness ♪
621
00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,480
♪ Hello, mellow ♪
622
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,960
♪ What a wonderful day ♪
623
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,920
♪ It's so amazing to be loved ♪
624
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:45,440
♪ I'd follow you to the
moon In the sky above ♪
625
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,640
♪ My girl ♪
626
00:29:56,720 --> 00:30:00,840
- ♪ And it's so amazing ♪
- ♪ So amazing ♪
627
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,600
- ♪ I could stay forever ♪
- ♪ Stay forever... ♪