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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Yes. Come and dance with me.
- I'm fucking hot.
2
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- Come on.
- I'm too hot.
3
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- Before you're too pissed to stand.
- Fuck's sake.
4
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Please! Come.
5
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We can tango.
6
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Oh, God! Come on!
7
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Yeah!
8
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Yes!
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He didn't drop me!
10
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Cheers!
11
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Come on, then.
12
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Yeah.
13
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Oh...
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Here.
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Yeah.
16
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Whose is that?
17
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Brandy's breakfast, innit?
18
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Come on.
19
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Come here.
20
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Good girl.
21
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Another day. Gotta keep it together.
22
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Face the world.
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Just to let you know,
I got the flat share.
24
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Oh... Good.
25
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- So, the bath did the trick, didn't it?
- Who'd have thought it?
26
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Maybe wash again
someday. Sky's the limit.
27
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My life's finally on the up.
28
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It's given me a new sense
of confidence if I'm honest.
29
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Not much, but... it helps.
30
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,520
Oh, yeah. Who's that bird I
saw you with the other day?
31
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Coming out of 'ere. Lovely sort.
32
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- What bird?
- Blond. Really tasty.
33
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Not yours, is she?
34
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Oh. No.
35
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Roxy.
36
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Do you mind if I have a punt?
37
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Don't get as much
action as you might think.
38
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- I'll put in a word.
- Well, don't big me up too much,
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she'll be pretty disappointed as it is.
You know, if anything, downplay it.
40
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- Downplay you?
- Yeah.
41
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How would that go?
42
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Dunno. What d'you think?
43
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I'd have to say,
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"He looks like summat police
would drag out of a river."
45
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Yeah, but not the posh bit of a river.
46
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You know, something near a
sewage works or something.
47
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Any mail?
48
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No, don't think so.
49
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Good. Cheers.
50
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Ta-ra. See ya, mate.
51
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Sorry about the...
thing with the meditation.
52
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- He knows it wasn't your fault.
- Yeah.
53
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It was his. For being an annoying prick.
54
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Listen, Tony,
had you been drinking before that?
55
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No. I had to have a little
one after to calm down.
56
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- But...
- Right.
57
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- And that was his fault too, I imagine?
- No.
58
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Not just his. Most things
are a good excuse for a drink.
59
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I've always got drunk,
but I used to drink when I was happy,
60
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and... that was all right,
61
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but now I drink when I'm sad,
and that's not so good 'cause it...
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happens more often
and a little bit earlier.
63
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Just stop, then.
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- Brilliant!
- Come on, it's serious.
65
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If you've got a problem,
you should go to AA, or rehab, or...
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Why?
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To get better.
68
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Drinking isn't my illness, is it?
69
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- Well, no, but it's bad for you.
- Everything's bad for you.
70
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We're all dying.
71
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Being healthy is just dying more slowly,
so...
72
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OK, so... you'll live longer.
73
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Yeah, but why?
74
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What do you mean, "Why?" So you can
do more of the things that you enjoy.
75
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I enjoy a drink.
76
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- Right.
- All drunks hurt themselves.
77
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Just the trick is to be a good drunk
and not hurt other people, but...
78
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But that, though, Tony,
you calling yourself a drunk...
79
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Only half the time. But, you know,
whatever... you want to label it,
80
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I drink in times of trouble.
81
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It's not my fault the world's
full of trouble, is it?
82
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It's... it's an 'orrible place.
83
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Everyone's screwed up in some way.
This is mine.
84
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Everyone's got worries, like...
85
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I dunno, money,
or health, or famine, war.
86
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We're chimps with brains
the size of planets.
87
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No wonder we fucking get drunk and
try and kill each other. It's mental.
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Always good to talk.
89
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- Hiya.
- Hey.
90
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,160
- All right?
- Having a chat?
91
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,560
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
92
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I was just explaining my new
plan is to drink myself to death
93
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until I eventually implode
in on my own evolution.
94
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Do you believe in all that?
95
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,240
Wh... what,
the proven fact that is evolution? Yeah.
96
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That's just the problem, isn't it?
Your science only deals with facts.
97
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- I'm a more open-minded type.
- Good.
98
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- Love anything paranormal.
- Do ya?
99
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Mm. Past lives. Telepathy.
100
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,160
Got a little bit of that myself,
actually.
101
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,440
- Have ya?
- Mm.
102
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Do you know how you know when
an angel's entered the room?
103
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- So...
- Sorry,
104
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are you going to carry on talking to me?
105
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A sort of cinnamony smell.
106
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- Childish.
- Hold on.
107
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Has an angel just entered the room?
108
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Oh, no, you're eating a bun.
109
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So...
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me being zen
111
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didn't completely work out.
112
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- No?
- No.
113
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I went along to the meditation thing,
um...
114
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but the guy was so annoying!
115
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I ended up shouting at him
and storming out.
116
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- How was he annoying?
- In every way.
117
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Just slurping and sniffing.
118
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- Oh, and doing that thing.
- What?
119
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Oh!
120
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- Exactly!
- Ah...
121
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What did you shout?
122
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I think I called him
"a snot-curdling cunt."
123
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Yeah.
124
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Oh, dear.
125
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I went home, got drunk,
126
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and watched videos of Lisa.
127
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Do you know the fable of
the frog and the scorpion?
128
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No.
129
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Well, this scorpion wants
to get across the river.
130
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So he asks the frog
if he'll give him a lift
131
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on his back, and the frog says, "No.
You'd sting me."
132
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And the scorpion says, "Why would
I do that? Then we'd both drown."
133
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And so the frog said,
"Oh, yes, that's true. OK."
134
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So halfway across the river,
the scorpion stings the frog.
135
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And the frog says,
136
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"Now we're both going to die.
Why did you sting me?"
137
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And the scorpion says,
138
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"Because I'm a scorpion."
139
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Mm-hmm.
140
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Yeah...
141
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Yeah, I guess I can't change my nature.
142
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No, you're the frog.
143
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- The frog?
- Yes.
144
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Really? Why?
145
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Well, you knew you wouldn't
enjoy that meditation thing
146
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but you went anyway
to please someone else.
147
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And then you got angry,
148
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and you even feel bad about that.
149
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You're the frog.
150
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Right.
151
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Sensitive.
152
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And trusting.
153
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Nothing to do with the shape?
154
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Or the throat?
155
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Oh... the frog?
156
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,416
- I was hoping I was the scorpion.
- Yeah, I thought you would.
157
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- Know what I mean?
- Yes.
158
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Only 'cause it's cooler. I love frogs.
159
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But what I mean is no one ever says,
"Oh, I'd like a man.
160
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I'd like him to be sort
of podgy and sticky."
161
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Fair.
162
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"I'd like him to be able
to hang onto a leaf."
163
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"I'd like my man to be able
164
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to shove a worm into his
mouth with his front feet."
165
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:05,760
Everyone? Yeah,
this is June's son, James.
166
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,920
- Your son now, innit?
- No, he's not.
167
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Um, he's starting work experience today.
168
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,960
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey.
169
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Be good. Do what you're told.
Come here. Don't be too annoying.
170
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Look at this.
171
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- Give us a kiss.
- Bloody hell, Mum!
172
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- Right, see you later.
- See you later.
173
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,520
- Come on, you.
- OK. Bye.
174
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,920
Probably get on your nerves.
Got a good heart, though.
175
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,240
- OK.
- Well, not literally.
176
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,160
He's obese,
so all his insides are pretty bad.
177
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,200
Tragedy waiting to happen.
Well, he's got a terrible diet.
178
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,480
He's not had a poo for a week.
179
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,440
It's typical, that, though.
180
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,200
When he does go,
you can hear him all over the house,
181
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,560
in agony, screaming.
182
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,200
I say, "It's your own fault,
eat some bloody fruit!" But he won't.
183
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,080
I think that's how he'll die.
184
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On the loo.
You know, like, straining, heart attack,
185
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,560
stroke, or something.
186
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:57,680
Like Elvis.
187
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,120
But without all the exciting stuff
Elvis did beforehand, you know?
188
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,400
Mm-hmm.
189
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,400
See you later.
190
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,856
All right. You probably should
start reading the paper.
191
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,600
- Why?
- Well, you're working here.
192
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,120
- I guess.
- James?
193
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,800
- Hi. Matt Braden, I'm the editor.
- Hi.
194
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,960
- Hi, Matt. Nice to meet you.
- You too.
195
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,240
This lot'll show you how it all works,
but if you've got any questions, just...
196
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,320
- Yeah, are we covering the am-dram?
- The...?
197
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,400
What's that?
198
00:09:24,425 --> 00:09:26,575
I'm part of an amateur
dramatics society,
199
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,160
we rehearse at the community hall.
200
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,440
It's brilliant, you know.
We do acting classes, dance.
201
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:32,600
You dance, do you?
202
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,160
Yeah, big time.
203
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:35,840
Dance, sing,
204
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,720
act, juggle...
I'm an all-round package, you know?
205
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,800
Mm.
206
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,880
Why don't you go and make
some teas for everyone?
207
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,760
- It's a good place to start, innit?
- OK. Um...
208
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,880
- Who wants tea?
- Nah.
209
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,240
I'm all right, thank you.
210
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,736
- No one wants tea.
- I'll have a tea.
211
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,280
- Oh, OK.
- Over there.
212
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:53,360
Sure.
213
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,320
- You seem happy having a family.
- Yeah.
214
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,000
It's about time I settled down.
215
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,680
With one woman!
216
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,280
Was you a bit of a ladies' man?
217
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,240
Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah.
218
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,560
- Right.
- Yeah.
219
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,120
See, I was a late starter,
so I had a lot of catching up to do.
220
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,920
You know, I didn't really start
playing the field till my 20s.
221
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,400
Oh. OK.
222
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:20,160
Yeah, I was quite shy in my teens.
I wasn't always this cool, I guess.
223
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,240
- No?
- No. I...
224
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,440
- I used to be sort of odd-looking.
- Fuck me!
225
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,600
- What did you used to look like?
- I dunno,
226
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,976
but I remember The Ugly
Duckling being quite inspirational.
227
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,600
Is that the one where there's
a weird little duckling
228
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,240
and all the other ducks are
taking the piss out of it,
229
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,760
but then when it grows up, it's
not a duck at all, it's, like, a big...
230
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,680
200-pound sort of human slug
231
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,760
that works in a local free newspaper?
232
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,840
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Yeah.
233
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,680
Play the field... Fuckin' hell!
234
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,920
Um... I'd like to cover the am-dram,
if that's all right?
235
00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:55,485
Yeah. We should all go and have a look.
236
00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:56,509
Ooh...
237
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,200
- bis-quits!
- Definitely.
238
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,080
Bloody hell, I'm knackered.
239
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,040
- All right?
- All right.
240
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,280
Whoa, who's this?
241
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:04,920
Hi, I'm James.
242
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,480
- You should help Brian with the papers.
- That's not really my thing.
243
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,320
Well,
you're meant to do a bit of everything.
244
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,120
- Bloody hell, all right, Dad!
- No, I'm not.
245
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,520
Hey! Come on. I could do with a hand.
My back's killing me.
246
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,680
All right, but I've got to
be at rehearsals by five.
247
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,800
- Rehearsals for what?
- My am-dram group.
248
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,360
Can I join?
249
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,200
Yeah.
Anyone can join if they have the talent.
250
00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:28,340
Bingo!
251
00:11:28,365 --> 00:11:29,809
- Oh.
- Ha.
252
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,680
- What do you do?
- What don't I do?
253
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,480
I'm a puppeteer.
254
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,120
- Oh.
- I... I write jokes.
255
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,360
Check this out...
256
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,200
All right, Valerie?
257
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,120
Yep.
258
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,400
What's gray and comes in pints?
259
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,680
- Dunno.
- Elephant.
260
00:11:54,762 --> 00:11:56,200
You're soaked!
261
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,320
- You're disgusting!
- Oh, really?
262
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,800
I'm not the one with
a face full of jizz, love!
263
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,240
Right, afternoon, Tambury Players.
264
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,000
- Afternoon, Ken.
- Everybody!
265
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,520
- Afternoon, Ken.
- Hello. How are we all doing?
266
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:21,840
- We all good?
- Not bad.
267
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,720
Right, Brian,
welcome to the Tambury Players.
268
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,280
- Hi, Brian.
- Hi, Brian.
269
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,360
Let's do a name game.
270
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,776
It's what we like to do, don't we,
when we get a new Player?
271
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,760
So, name, age,
and something that you don't like,
272
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,760
something that gets your goat,
something that winds you up.
273
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,680
- Uh... My name's Brian, and I'm 45.
- Mm.
274
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,280
- Oh.
- And I really don't like my ex-wife.
275
00:12:43,647 --> 00:12:44,827
- Oh, dear.
- At all.
276
00:12:44,852 --> 00:12:46,452
Right. Why's that?
277
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,200
- Slut.
- OK.
278
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,920
Right, come on. Best faces on.
279
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,440
- Oh, hello. Are you from The Gazette?
- Yep.
280
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:58,160
Ah! I run the society, Tambury Players.
Ken Otley, might've heard of me?
281
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,440
- No.
- No?
282
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,920
No? I'm involved in
showbiz professionally.
283
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,840
- OK.
- I just run this for a bit of fun.
284
00:13:03,865 --> 00:13:05,552
We do a couple of
performances every year.
285
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,136
We've got one in a week or so, actually.
286
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,080
It's a revue show. Uh...
287
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,760
A Night of a 1000 Stars.
288
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,040
- And it's this lot, is it?
- It's these guys, yeah.
289
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,480
Everyone's doing their own thing,
you know, so no arguments.
290
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,880
- Free expression!
- This is Brian, new face.
291
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,776
- Do you know him?
- Yeah, we know Brian.
292
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,000
I'm gonna do stand-up, mate.
293
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,640
- Yeah.
- And I'm doing feminist poetry.
294
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,120
I'm doing Send in the
Clowns with interpretive dance.
295
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,040
Anyway, enough talk.
Come on, let's show them what we do.
296
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,040
- On your feet. Get rid of these chairs.
- Yes, it's me!
297
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:38,000
Hi. I'm sorry about that night,
I wasn't... I wasn't myself.
298
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,720
Oh, shame. I really enjoyed it.
299
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,120
It was nice to meet someone
as cantankerous as me.
300
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,440
- Mm.
- What on earth
301
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,360
are you covering this shitshow for?
302
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:46,960
I only started coming
303
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,240
to get out of the house when
my dead husband was home.
304
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,822
I mean, they're twats, but it was
preferable than being around him.
305
00:13:51,846 --> 00:13:52,915
Sure.
306
00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:54,657
It's like One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
307
00:13:54,682 --> 00:13:56,309
I feel like Nurse Ratched.
308
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,600
- See that little fat one?
- Mm.
309
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,360
Oh, I'd love to electrocute him.
310
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,880
- Hello, Brian!
- OK, and big people.
311
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,120
- Ken.
- Big. Really big.
312
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,400
Come on, in we go, Rebecca.
Jumping up and down a little bit.
313
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,480
Just a little jump,
don't do yourself any mischief.
314
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,600
I can't help it, I just really miss her.
315
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,760
She having it off with anyone else?
316
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,520
- No.
- You?
317
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,520
No, of course I'm not.
318
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,520
There was someone at work who
did say that she liked me, but...
319
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,520
I'm not interested,
and I'm just so fed up at the moment.
320
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,040
Fuck's sake,
we all get fed up and depressed, mate.
321
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,520
Yeah, sorry, I don't mean to...
322
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,880
I mean,
what do you do when you get depressed?
323
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,920
I get twatted with Ratty and the Nonce.
324
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,760
- Right.
- Go to the football. Start a fight.
325
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,600
I hate all this namby-pamby nonsense,
you know?
326
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:49,640
This bleeding hearts...
327
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,560
"Oh, toxic masculinity,
328
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,120
it's OK to cry!"
329
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,640
It's also OK to have five pints,
drop an E,
330
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,560
and do some fucking trollop
from behind against the bins.
331
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,920
Whatever floats your boat, boy.
332
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,680
I think I've broke my
thumb up some bird's arse.
333
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,840
You should come to me
if you want a good story.
334
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,400
I've had a life, let me tell you.
I've had a life.
335
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,520
Your readers'll wanna hear this,
write this down.
336
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,680
Um... I did go to drama school,
so I still act professionally,
337
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,840
but, you know,
it's tough to get the parts these days
338
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,840
if you're white, no offense, you know.
339
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,160
Taught drama at sixth
form college for a while,
340
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,440
do you know it? Full of liars.
341
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,640
Seriously, don't go there.
It's a nest of vipers.
342
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:40,320
Erm, I'm a talent agent by profession,
25 years in the business.
343
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,920
I've had 'em all through my books,
344
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,800
on the way up, on the way down,
and everything in between.
345
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,280
I could tell you some stories
about the showbiz world
346
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,960
that would make your hair curl.
347
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,720
- Like what?
- Bloody hell, where do we start?
348
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,960
Hey, you know what you should do?
Ghostwrite a gossip column for me.
349
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,920
- Right.
- This is gonna work. Right!
350
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,080
Come on. Let's do this.
351
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,160
- Grab a chair.
- Yeah.
352
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,320
Come on, let's make it happen,
for God's sake!
353
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:04,640
Oh, right.
354
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,056
The thing is, mate,
you've got to take these opportunities
355
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,240
when they offer themselves to you,
you know?
356
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,200
Like that bird at work.
357
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,440
- Yeah.
- Get it while you're young.
358
00:16:26,090 --> 00:16:27,090
Oh...
359
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,120
Last week, right, we were, um...
360
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,360
we're pissed up in Tamburgers in town,
yeah?
361
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,480
And this waitress comes
over with the food. Fit.
362
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,280
And she goes, um,
363
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,240
"Is there anything else I
can do for you, gentlemen?"
364
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,120
And it was like, "Ding!"
365
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,800
Five minutes later, me and Ratty are
spitroasting her in the disabled bogs.
366
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,120
Yeah.
367
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,360
I'm banging away from behind, right?
368
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,520
Suddenly,
she takes Ratty's cock out her gob,
369
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,280
turns around to me and goes,
"Do you want fries with that?"
370
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,120
What a star!
371
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,960
Anyway, we come out, and there's this...
372
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,000
gammy little geezer in a wheelchair,
373
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,680
furious 'cause he's had to wait so long.
374
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,080
Yeah. Tuts at me.
375
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,960
So, I lean into him, I go,
376
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,880
"Hope you have as much fun in there
as we just did, you little cunt."
377
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,080
Yeah.
378
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,240
- Well, this has all been very helpful.
- Cheers.
379
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,320
Yeah.
380
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,360
Right, I've got a story for you.
Listen to this one.
381
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,640
I once had sex with a spirit.
382
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,960
I tell you what,
it weren't consensual either. Oh!
383
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,280
The plot thickens!
384
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,280
PSA.
385
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,440
Paranormal sexual assault,
it happens, OK?
386
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,920
Now, I like to sleep stark
bollock naked on me front, right?
387
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,480
That's my choice.
388
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,440
But some would say
that makes it my fault,
389
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,800
but that's just victim-blaming, in't it?
Nobody expects that.
390
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,840
I tell you something else as well,
I know who done it.
391
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,000
I was bummed...
392
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,320
by the ghost of Liberace.
393
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:05,840
That's the headline.
394
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:07,720
Made it easy for the bugger.
395
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,480
Why do you think he chose you?
396
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,560
Well, I might not be the only one!
397
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,760
When this gets out,
probably others will come forward.
398
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,800
That's how it usually happens, in't it?
399
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,240
Good. Well... Yeah...
400
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,800
I think we'll leave you
in the capable hands of...
401
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,800
- Sandy. So, yeah, tell her everything.
- Great. I will.
402
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:26,960
OK? Good.
403
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,640
- Cheers.
- Bye.
404
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:29,920
- Bye.
- All right.
405
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,080
Now, Sandy. Liz Taylor,
you remember her?
406
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,400
Friend of a friend of mine
worked on her autopsy, right?
407
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,360
They found out she was absolutely
crammed with love eggs.
408
00:18:43,474 --> 00:18:44,735
I want to know.
409
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,656
- You feel how soft they were?
- Yeah, very soft.
410
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:50,120
Yeah, we use a bit of softener on them,
no expenses spared here.
411
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,360
- You do them yourself?
- No.
412
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,440
Well, I put them in the washing machine,
I don't manually scrub the towels.
413
00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:58,680
Hi, Dad.
414
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,520
This was Mum's.
415
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,920
She used to read this to me.
416
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,480
Poems.
417
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,560
You didn't care for it much. Nor
did I. I just liked her reading to me.
418
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,280
"Whose woods these are I think I know
419
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,840
His house is in the village, though
420
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,400
He will not see me stopping here
421
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,760
- To watch..."
- "To watch his woods...
422
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,200
Fill up with snow."
423
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:37,640
- Hi.
- Hi.
424
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,560
I saw you chatting with Simon,
I didn't want to disturb you.
425
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,280
Yes, I was chatting with Simon,
but, I mean, well...
426
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,200
we're not an item, are we?
427
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,600
- That was quick.
- No.
428
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,000
Nothing quick about it.
429
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,120
Sorry I'm such a flake.
430
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:57,840
It's OK.
431
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,000
You were right,
I'm not quite ready yet, but...
432
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,880
I'm... getting better, slowly.
433
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:06,840
Well, that's good.
434
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,000
Well, it is, yeah.
I'm trying to be a better person.
435
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,680
From where I was to, you know,
436
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,320
nearly fucking killing myself.
437
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,160
If it wasn't for the dog, I'd be dead.
So, little improvements.
438
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,720
Oh, well, that's great. Thanks for that.
439
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,680
You know, the dog is the
only good thing in your life.
440
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:24,760
Fuckin' hell.
441
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,520
I didn't say that, did I?
442
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,760
You saw what I was like, I was an
arsehole to everyone in the world.
443
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,160
I hated everyone. Do you know why?
444
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,440
'Cause they didn't
die of cancer like Lisa.
445
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,760
Including me.
I hated me, 'cause I didn't die.
446
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,800
And I'd swap places with her tomorrow.
447
00:20:41,721 --> 00:20:43,095
Sorry.
448
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,440
Lisa's got cancer?
449
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,240
No. Not anymore.
450
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,840
Oh, good.
451
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:55,760
Because I love that girl.
452
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:57,760
Apple of my eye.
453
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,160
Couldn't stand anything
to happen to her.
454
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,040
Yep.
455
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,280
Bon appétit.
456
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,760
Oh, wow!
457
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,720
I'm starving.
458
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,080
Wow!
459
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:24,360
Is it hot?
460
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,720
That is fucking rank!
461
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,880
Is it?
462
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,800
Lisa used to pretend it tasted good.
463
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,014
Yeah, but Lisa loved you!
464
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:39,360
She did.
465
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,560
- Oh, no. I didn't...
- No, you're exactly right.
466
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,680
She lied to encourage good behavior.
At least I'd tried, you know.
467
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,640
Women are better than men.
468
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,120
And they never stop trying to
bring us up to their standard.
469
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,360
I mean... you're the only man
who's ever cooked me a meal.
470
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,680
So, technically, that's the best
meal a man has ever cooked you.
471
00:22:03,057 --> 00:22:04,257
So...
472
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,600
How bad is it?
473
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,240
Put it this way,
474
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:13,160
it's the worst thing I've
had in my mouth today.
475
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,480
- And it's been busy.
- Good.
476
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,253
Yeah.
477
00:22:17,278 --> 00:22:19,440
I was and always will
be useless without her.
478
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,240
You're not... Don't say it.
You're not useless.
479
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,760
It's not that I couldn't do anything
without her, it's that I didn't want to.
480
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:27,880
It was no fun.
481
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:29,400
I'd come home,
482
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:34,720
she'd be in the kitchen...
cooking, like, chopping stuff,
483
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,000
feeding the dog, asking me about my day,
484
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,480
giving me advice on stuff, right?
And if she went, "Oh, pass the salt,"
485
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,841
I'd go, "Fuck me,
do I have to do everything around here?"
486
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,280
I miss her so much.
487
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,080
Have you ever thought of
having a real relationship?
488
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,200
You know, I want what you had.
489
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,920
- Marriage and...
- So...
490
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,600
this brings me to my next point.
491
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,120
I know a guy who's really into you...
492
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,400
and he'd like to meet up.
493
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,920
Do you like a man in uniform?
494
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,120
- Not a copper?
- No.
495
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,600
Soldier?
496
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:20,680
Postman.
497
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,160
- What's wrong with him?
- Honestly, I don't know where to start.
498
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,720
- Fucking hell!
- No.
499
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,920
He asked me to downplay him.
500
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:31,720
- Modest.
- Not really.
501
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,760
- No, um...
- OK.
502
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,200
- What does he look like?
- Uh...
503
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,640
Sort of... beard.
504
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,080
Like a hipster?
505
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,120
Well, more like what the
hipsters base their look on.
506
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,480
- Hippie?
- Homeless.
507
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,480
- Nothing wrong with the homeless.
- You're so woke.
508
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:49,880
So?
509
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:51,960
Come on, then. Well?
510
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,600
OK. Yeah.
511
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,680
Just tell him, you know...
tell him all about me
512
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,800
- and stuff so there's no weirdness.
- OK.
513
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,800
- Great.
- Great.
514
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,200
He'll be over the moon.
515
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:06,600
Brilliant.
516
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,360
I'm gonna have to go 'cause
I actually need to eat...
517
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,760
...before I go to work.
518
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,720
No, that's fair enough. That's fine.
519
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,720
- I'm so sorry!
- Good. No.
520
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,000
You can let yourself out 'cause I
need to eat the meal I cooked us.
521
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,920
- I'm sorry. Thank you.
- It's all right.
522
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,200
- See you later.
- See you later, lovely.
523
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,600
I'll tell the postman.
524
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,200
- See you later.
- See you later.
525
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,160
Mum, have you seen my juggling balls?
526
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,760
Oh... They're probably
where you left them, lovey.
527
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,960
I just thought you might
have put them down somewhere.
528
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,760
Um... I saw 'em in the kitchen earlier.
529
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,880
Yeah. I was practicing in there.
530
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,600
Oh, well done. Night night, darling.
531
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,640
Night, Mummy. Oh...
532
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,640
Night, Lenny.
533
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,120
Can I call you Dad?
534
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,840
- Not at the moment.
- All right. Night night.
535
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:05,840
Night night.
536
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,400
Oh... You silly cunt.
537
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,560
My own little Kojak.
538
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,040
Ah... Who loves ya, baby?
539
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,840
- You do.
- Knobhead.
540
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:27,120
You can talk.
541
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,520
Also...
542
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,000
...you've never looked so beautiful.
543
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,080
Oh, darling!