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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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When did you... first notice it?
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00:00:16,985 --> 00:00:19,185
Ah, well, the pipe started leaking
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and the wallpaper started to get wet,
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and then it started to form this image.
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And when did you think, "Oh...
7
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that looks a bit like
Sir Kenneth Branagh"?
8
00:00:29,665 --> 00:00:33,345
Oh, well, it was when the shading
started to form around this bit here.
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And, well, it's got
his mouth, hasn't it?
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- Just a line.
- Yeah.
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It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.
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Yeah.
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Err...
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- Take a picture.
- Yeah.
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There you go.
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Err... Okay?
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Yeah.
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- This'll cheer the wife up no end.
- Will it?
19
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- Been a bit down lately.
- Ahh.
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- Got hit in the head with a hammer.
- She got hit in the head with a hammer?
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Two blokes on a moped
grabbed her handbag,
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hit her on the head and she let go.
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And the police don't like to chase 'em
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because the kids take their helmets off,
25
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and then it's dangerous, and
the police might get sued, so...
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PC gone mad, innit?
27
00:01:09,985 --> 00:01:10,985
Yep.
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So... his wife gets mugged
by a motorcycle gang,
29
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hit in the head with a hammer,
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he goes home, sees a stain that
looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,
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and that's what he calls
the local paper about.
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Also, any stain looks
like Kenneth Branagh.
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He's got no distinguishing features.
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You couldn't do a caricature of him
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because there's no
features to exaggerate.
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He's just got a face,
a vague, beige face.
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If I was him, I'd wear glasses,
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big, red glasses.
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So when people said,
"Who's Kenneth Branagh?"
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"You know, big, red glasses."
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"Oh!"
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I think he's quite handsome. I'd
love to look like Kenneth Branagh.
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Course you would. 'Cause
you look like fuckin' Shrek.
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Be an upgrade for you. At
least you'd be human, then.
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Birds love it.
46
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Talking of birds, I went on a date
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with the fat kid's mom the other night.
48
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I'll see you back at the office.
49
00:02:08,225 --> 00:02:11,625
It's about 40 quid, and then,
you know. What you gonna...
50
00:02:11,705 --> 00:02:13,825
- Where's my money?
- Okay, calm down.
51
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- Who the fuck are you?
- I'll be whoever you want me to be.
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You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute?
53
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No, she's a friend of mine.
54
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I'm not gonna charge him 60 quid, am I?
55
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And less of the prostitute.
I'm a sex worker.
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Oh, my bad.
57
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- Gimme my money!
- Be careful with him.
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Sorry, shouldn't you
be wanking someone off?
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My next appointment's not
till three o'clock, actually.
60
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What'd you do with the
money? As if I didn't know.
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- Bought some drugs.
- Bought some drugs. They're my drugs.
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We could share them.
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Why would we share them? They're mine.
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What did you buy?
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- Smack, a bit of hash.
- Right.
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I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.
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- Ahh.
- I haven't got it on me, have I?
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- I could bring it over
later, though. Right.
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Do you live here?
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Err...
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Yeah.
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Why?
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I got kicked out of the
last garage, didn't I?
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I don't mean why do you live
in this particular garage.
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Why do you live in a garage at all?
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Oh, this happens. People
like you just don't see it
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from your ivory tower.
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I'm a little princess 'cause I
don't live in a hole in the wall.
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Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?
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'Cause I need a new
piss-stained mattress.
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Fucking maggot.
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Don't be so hard on
him. His girlfriend died.
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He had a girlfriend?
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Overdose. She got him into it, I think.
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We all do things we'd rather not do.
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Mmm.
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D'you need anything while you're 'ere?
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Like what?
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Anything.
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Anything?
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Anything.
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For 50 quid.
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This is the worst.
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I think I'm gonna puke.
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I mean, why don't you soak
everything straightaway?
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You said, "Anything for 50 quid."
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How many times did you
have fish fingers and beans?
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Doesn't matter.
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You've done it now anyway. Just in time.
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A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.
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How much do they charge?
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About a tenner an hour.
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- So I could have got five hours for that?
- Yeah.
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Anyway...
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it's been nice chatting.
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How about a cup of tea before you go?
107
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- Okay.
- No, I meant I'd make you one, but...
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No, I'm all right.
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What's your name?
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Roxy.
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Your real name.
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What are you, the Inland Revenue?
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It's Daphne.
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- What? What's that face?
- It's a nice name.
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Exactly. Don't suit me.
116
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- What, 'cause you're not nice?
- I dunno.
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It suits you.
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Deep down, you're a Daphne.
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You never know what's around
the corner. One minute you're...
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happy and safe and smug about it,
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the next minute, everything's
taken away from you.
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You need a plan B.
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I...
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I know about your wife.
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- Julian told me.
- Julian?
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That skinny little fucker.
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I invite him in and he robs me.
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Yeah, but you know, he can't
help it, though, can he?
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Yeah, of course he can.
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You don't know a lot
about addiction, then.
131
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I think I've got the gist.
It's the one where you go,
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"It's not my fault. I'm addicted."
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Everything's an addiction these days.
134
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"Oh, I couldn't help running over
someone in my car when I was pissed.
135
00:06:07,705 --> 00:06:09,785
I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"
136
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Oh... a food addiction.
137
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Addicted to food. We're
all addicted to food.
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sex addiction.
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Literally invented by someone
who got caught cheating.
140
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Hey, those guys are
some of my best clients.
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Why do you do what you do?
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Money.
143
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No, I know, but why... that?
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You're only asking me
that 'cause of what I do.
145
00:06:29,825 --> 00:06:32,265
But I mean, how do you get
into that in the first place?
146
00:06:32,345 --> 00:06:34,665
- Do you remember that film Pretty Woman?
- Yep.
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I just thought it
looked really glamorous.
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Really?
149
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No, course not.
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Oh, right. I dunno.
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You would be surprised
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the amount of people that
still expect all sex workers
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to look like Julia
Roberts and then I show up.
154
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But...
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I do have these.
156
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- What's that?
- Tiny little hands.
157
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- Why is that good?
- Oh mate, clients love 'em.
158
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Why?
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Makes their cocks look massive.
160
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Well, I've learned a lot.
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- I'm honored.
- Good.
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Anyway...
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Err...
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Here you go.
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Is this really all you want me to do?
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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See ya later.
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I absolutely love your dog.
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Me too.
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I was gonna put it in for a wash.
I wonder what I've done with it.
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All right. Well, we'll
find it. It's all right.
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- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
174
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- You all right?
- Yeah.
175
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You all right, Dad?
176
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How's Lisa?
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Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad.
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Remember that, all right?
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'Cause every time you ask me about
it, it really fucking hurts, okay?
180
00:08:05,265 --> 00:08:06,905
Why don't you just go along with it?
181
00:08:06,985 --> 00:08:07,985
Why?
182
00:08:08,065 --> 00:08:09,745
Because it might make him feel better.
183
00:08:09,825 --> 00:08:12,345
All right, okay. Once again,
no one cares about my feelings.
184
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I just had a prostitute lecturing me
185
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about how I should
care about the feelings
186
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of a smackhead who robbed me.
187
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That sounds...
188
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He works for me, and she
was doing the washing up.
189
00:08:22,745 --> 00:08:23,905
All right, it's...
190
00:08:24,865 --> 00:08:27,865
- complicated.
- Well, none of my business, I'm sure.
191
00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:30,625
Interesting.
192
00:08:31,265 --> 00:08:32,585
Argh. What is?
193
00:08:33,025 --> 00:08:35,585
No, it's the way you said,
"None of my business, I'm sure,"
194
00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:38,065
- like you thought it was your business.
- No, I didn't.
195
00:08:38,145 --> 00:08:40,065
- Well, you did.
- What's wrong with you?
196
00:08:40,865 --> 00:08:43,225
- What...
- Why can't you just be normal?
197
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:45,185
I mean, I know you're not normal.
198
00:08:45,585 --> 00:08:47,545
You're bitter, and angry,
199
00:08:47,905 --> 00:08:48,985
and depressed,
200
00:08:49,065 --> 00:08:50,345
and you're upset with the world,
201
00:08:50,425 --> 00:08:52,745
but for God's sake, this is your dad.
202
00:08:52,825 --> 00:08:54,705
- No, I know.
- You know, can you not just maybe
203
00:08:54,745 --> 00:08:57,425
pretend to be normal for the
ten minutes that you're with him?
204
00:08:57,505 --> 00:08:59,465
Oh, is that a dig? That
I see him for ten minutes?
205
00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:00,665
I didn't mean to upset you.
206
00:09:00,745 --> 00:09:02,721
I was just saying that
maybe for the ten minutes...
207
00:09:02,745 --> 00:09:04,950
Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions
208
00:09:04,951 --> 00:09:06,625
for something that isn't your business.
209
00:09:06,865 --> 00:09:08,065
He can still feel hurt.
210
00:09:08,585 --> 00:09:10,121
- Right. No, I get that.
- Everybody can.
211
00:09:10,145 --> 00:09:11,145
No, I get that.
212
00:09:11,145 --> 00:09:13,042
It's just a bit weird from someone
213
00:09:13,043 --> 00:09:15,065
who's looking after my dad as their job.
214
00:09:15,145 --> 00:09:17,945
It's a bit unprofessional giving me
all this attitude, don't you think?
215
00:09:18,705 --> 00:09:21,065
You're like a troll on Twitter.
216
00:09:21,145 --> 00:09:24,265
Just because you're all upset,
everybody else has to feel upset.
217
00:09:24,345 --> 00:09:26,561
At first I thought, "I'll give
him the benefit of the doubt,"
218
00:09:26,585 --> 00:09:29,185
because I just assumed you
were always having a bad day,
219
00:09:29,265 --> 00:09:31,425
but maybe it's just
because you're a cunt.
220
00:09:39,985 --> 00:09:41,385
That went well.
221
00:09:43,065 --> 00:09:44,865
Cunt.
222
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:47,545
Cunt.
223
00:09:48,345 --> 00:09:49,345
Yep.
224
00:09:51,505 --> 00:09:52,745
I couldn't believe it.
225
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:56,385
I mean, she's a nurse looking
after my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,
226
00:09:56,825 --> 00:09:59,865
and then she's giving me grief
for getting upset about stuff.
227
00:10:00,625 --> 00:10:02,865
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- No, I know.
228
00:10:04,105 --> 00:10:05,945
- But you do.
- Yeah.
229
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:09,265
'Cause you know she's right.
230
00:10:10,065 --> 00:10:11,065
No. What?
231
00:10:12,665 --> 00:10:14,985
Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon?
232
00:10:15,065 --> 00:10:17,185
D'you think the women
are ganging up on me?
233
00:10:17,265 --> 00:10:18,305
He agrees with me.
234
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,625
- There's a surprise.
- Apologize to her.
235
00:10:21,345 --> 00:10:22,905
- For what?
- It doesn't matter.
236
00:10:23,545 --> 00:10:25,985
It shows strength,
not weakness. Trust me.
237
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,985
I can't just go and
apologize for nothing.
238
00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:31,185
But it wouldn't be
for nothing, would it?
239
00:10:31,265 --> 00:10:33,224
You'd be apologizing for arguing
240
00:10:33,225 --> 00:10:35,785
with someone you like,
someone who's nice.
241
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,145
She's nice, right?
242
00:10:40,665 --> 00:10:44,345
- She's...
- There you are. Ahhh!
243
00:10:44,425 --> 00:10:46,025
What?
244
00:10:46,665 --> 00:10:48,465
Thought so.
245
00:10:49,105 --> 00:10:52,225
Well, why don't you look at
it as your first lovers' tiff?
246
00:10:52,305 --> 00:10:53,465
That's ridiculous.
247
00:10:54,065 --> 00:10:55,585
Okay, good. Well done.
248
00:10:56,465 --> 00:10:58,265
Right, I'll see you later.
249
00:10:59,185 --> 00:11:01,305
See you later, Stan.
250
00:11:21,185 --> 00:11:22,185
Good week?
251
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,265
No, course not.
252
00:11:23,825 --> 00:11:25,505
How could I possibly
have had a good week?
253
00:11:25,945 --> 00:11:27,265
Only you know that, really.
254
00:11:27,345 --> 00:11:28,665
Why am I paying you, then?
255
00:11:29,585 --> 00:11:30,865
That's a good question.
256
00:11:32,665 --> 00:11:35,225
- And?
- Well, why are you paying me?
257
00:11:35,305 --> 00:11:37,945
What, so I've got to know that... too?
258
00:11:38,825 --> 00:11:44,025
Tony, we're here to ask and answer
difficult questions about yourself.
259
00:11:44,945 --> 00:11:47,145
Now, maybe you don't
wanna know the answer.
260
00:11:47,345 --> 00:11:50,425
Maybe the easy way out for you
is to think there isn't an answer.
261
00:11:50,505 --> 00:11:53,265
Well, there is an
answer, but you seem...
262
00:11:54,345 --> 00:11:57,265
happier to just accept your unhappiness.
263
00:11:57,345 --> 00:12:00,305
No, I do accept my unhappiness.
I know exactly why I'm unhappy,
264
00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:03,025
and I also know the only thing
that would stop me being unhappy
265
00:12:03,105 --> 00:12:04,225
is impossible.
266
00:12:04,305 --> 00:12:07,825
What I don't know is why I pay
someone who doesn't care about me.
267
00:12:07,905 --> 00:12:08,945
Well...
268
00:12:09,025 --> 00:12:11,665
there are people in your
life who care about you,
269
00:12:11,745 --> 00:12:14,225
but do they actually
do what's good for you?
270
00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:17,185
I don't think anyone
knows what's good for me.
271
00:12:17,265 --> 00:12:18,745
Well I think it's in there somewhere.
272
00:12:18,785 --> 00:12:21,665
I just wanna stop feeling sad.
273
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:25,265
Do that, then.
274
00:12:25,825 --> 00:12:28,105
Just... stop feeling sad.
275
00:12:35,865 --> 00:12:39,105
So, I make some notes at the time,
276
00:12:39,185 --> 00:12:42,025
if I can be bothered and stay awake.
277
00:12:43,145 --> 00:12:45,945
I get the gist of it.
Their name and age,
278
00:12:46,345 --> 00:12:48,465
what street they live
in. People love that.
279
00:12:48,785 --> 00:12:50,185
And then I try and make...
280
00:12:50,585 --> 00:12:54,065
the fucking banal seem
mildly interesting.
281
00:12:54,665 --> 00:12:57,305
Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,
282
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,905
and a stain appeared on his wallpaper
283
00:13:00,225 --> 00:13:02,825
that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.
284
00:13:04,265 --> 00:13:06,065
- Do you know who that is?
- No.
285
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,105
He's an old actor, director.
286
00:13:08,650 --> 00:13:09,685
Erm...
287
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:11,665
- Have you heard of Emma Thompson?
- Yeah.
288
00:13:12,945 --> 00:13:15,505
He'd hate that... Um... anyway,
289
00:13:16,225 --> 00:13:18,105
it was a stain on a wall.
290
00:13:18,505 --> 00:13:19,945
Have you got the photos from the...
291
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,865
Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,
292
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:26,108
I've got some pictures of the date I had
293
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:28,305
- with the fat kid's mom the other...
- Everyone, listen up.
294
00:13:29,545 --> 00:13:30,545
Work's outing.
295
00:13:30,865 --> 00:13:31,865
No.
296
00:13:32,185 --> 00:13:33,185
Yeah.
297
00:13:33,225 --> 00:13:34,225
Yes.
298
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:35,945
It's gonna be good for team-building.
299
00:13:35,985 --> 00:13:37,957
There's a new comedy
club in town, just opened.
300
00:13:37,958 --> 00:13:38,961
They're advertising with us,
301
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,385
so I thought, show willing,
bought us all tickets.
302
00:13:41,465 --> 00:13:43,161
I said I could have got 'em for free.
303
00:13:43,185 --> 00:13:45,105
Yeah, I know, but you've
gotta support the arts.
304
00:13:45,185 --> 00:13:47,745
It's good. All proper comedians.
305
00:13:48,705 --> 00:13:49,745
There is a woman on.
306
00:13:53,345 --> 00:13:54,345
Right?
307
00:13:54,705 --> 00:13:57,345
Well, I'm just saying. Just
checking, you're all right.
308
00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:02,985
Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.
309
00:14:03,065 --> 00:14:05,625
- It won't.
- Tony, it will. Give it a chance.
310
00:14:06,985 --> 00:14:08,065
Talking of fun,
311
00:14:08,145 --> 00:14:10,081
I had a lot of fun on that
date the other night...
312
00:14:10,105 --> 00:14:11,625
- Tony.
- Ohh.
313
00:14:11,705 --> 00:14:13,265
- Who's that?
- Local nutter.
314
00:14:14,545 --> 00:14:16,585
Always trying to get in
the paper, ain't you, Brian?
315
00:14:16,785 --> 00:14:17,785
She's new.
316
00:14:18,505 --> 00:14:19,505
Yep.
317
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:22,865
- You stink.
- Never mind that.
318
00:14:23,185 --> 00:14:24,665
Got something for your front cover,
319
00:14:25,185 --> 00:14:26,385
- if you're interested.
- No.
320
00:14:27,105 --> 00:14:28,305
Freddie Mercury's tooth.
321
00:14:29,065 --> 00:14:31,505
- Where d'you get that?
- Up the park, by the swings.
322
00:14:31,585 --> 00:14:32,945
And what makes you think it's his?
323
00:14:33,945 --> 00:14:35,545
Look at the size of it, mate.
324
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,385
He's disgusting.
325
00:14:37,465 --> 00:14:39,945
Huh? Why don't you stick a knob
down your throat, blabbermouth.
326
00:14:39,985 --> 00:14:41,785
Why do you want to be
in the paper, Brian?
327
00:14:41,865 --> 00:14:44,505
'Cause I want to show the world
what I've got, what I can do,
328
00:14:44,585 --> 00:14:45,585
what diseases I've had.
329
00:14:45,865 --> 00:14:48,345
- No one's interested in your diseases.
- Oh, aren't they?
330
00:14:48,425 --> 00:14:49,561
- No.
- Sexual exploits?
331
00:14:49,585 --> 00:14:50,585
- No.
- No?
332
00:14:50,945 --> 00:14:52,905
- I'm a member of a swingers' club.
- Urgh.
333
00:14:52,985 --> 00:14:55,185
You know the assistant
manager of Tambury FC?
334
00:14:55,265 --> 00:14:56,465
I've given him a blowjob.
335
00:14:56,545 --> 00:14:58,705
Stick that on your sports page.
336
00:14:58,785 --> 00:15:00,785
We're not gonna put
it on the sports page.
337
00:15:00,865 --> 00:15:03,601
It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth.
We're not gonna put your diseases...
338
00:15:03,625 --> 00:15:06,505
This is a local paper about
old ladies, their big fat cat,
339
00:15:06,585 --> 00:15:09,145
or someone finding a hat in a
tree. We're not gonna go with,
340
00:15:09,225 --> 00:15:11,305
"Oh, here's Brian Gittens,
local man done proud,
341
00:15:11,385 --> 00:15:14,385
sucking off some fuckin'
nonce at the football." Think!
342
00:15:15,585 --> 00:15:16,745
Have you got a jokes page?
343
00:15:16,825 --> 00:15:18,385
- No.
- Then you're missing a trick
344
00:15:18,465 --> 00:15:20,425
'cause I write my own
jokes. D'you wanna hear one?
345
00:15:21,745 --> 00:15:25,425
What do you get if you cross a
disabled octopus with my ex-wife?
346
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:27,985
A five-legged slut.
347
00:15:30,185 --> 00:15:32,065
Brian, not everyone
can get in the paper.
348
00:15:32,145 --> 00:15:34,025
Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.
349
00:15:34,105 --> 00:15:35,345
- Have you?
- No.
350
00:15:36,585 --> 00:15:38,505
When's that bothered the press before?
351
00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:40,305
Am I right?
352
00:15:40,625 --> 00:15:43,025
Brilliant. Okay, cheers.
353
00:15:43,105 --> 00:15:44,345
- Okay.
- See you again.
354
00:15:56,865 --> 00:15:58,145
I've got a good feature for you.
355
00:15:59,545 --> 00:16:01,065
- No, you haven't.
- Rude.
356
00:16:01,145 --> 00:16:03,105
- You haven't even heard it yet.
- No need.
357
00:16:03,945 --> 00:16:05,265
- Crystals.
- Told you.
358
00:16:05,785 --> 00:16:07,145
Their healing power.
359
00:16:07,225 --> 00:16:08,825
They're bullshit.
360
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,065
- You're so narrow-minded.
- No.
361
00:16:11,145 --> 00:16:12,945
- You don't believe in anything.
- Yes, I do.
362
00:16:13,025 --> 00:16:14,225
Thought you were atheist.
363
00:16:14,305 --> 00:16:15,435
Doesn't mean I don't
believe in anything.
364
00:16:15,436 --> 00:16:17,425
It means I don't believe in any god.
365
00:16:17,505 --> 00:16:19,665
- How can you not believe in God?
- Which one?
366
00:16:20,945 --> 00:16:21,945
What do you mean?
367
00:16:22,305 --> 00:16:24,465
Well... Zeus?
368
00:16:25,345 --> 00:16:27,025
- Who?
- Greek god.
369
00:16:27,105 --> 00:16:28,665
Or Ra, or Ganesh?
370
00:16:28,745 --> 00:16:30,945
No, not those ones, the
real one in the Bible.
371
00:16:31,025 --> 00:16:32,025
Yahweh.
372
00:16:32,105 --> 00:16:33,105
Just God!
373
00:16:33,145 --> 00:16:36,985
Well, you know how you don't believe
in all those other gods I mentioned?
374
00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:39,025
That's how I don't believe in yours.
375
00:16:39,105 --> 00:16:41,625
How can you not believe that
someone created all this, though?
376
00:16:42,025 --> 00:16:44,585
Why do you believe that
someone created it all?
377
00:16:44,665 --> 00:16:45,945
Because it's so good.
378
00:16:46,425 --> 00:16:47,985
It can't just be chance, can it?
379
00:16:49,305 --> 00:16:50,505
What, the Big Bang?
380
00:16:50,585 --> 00:16:53,185
Everything came from
nothing? That's impossible.
381
00:16:53,265 --> 00:16:54,865
You're right. God did it.
382
00:16:55,425 --> 00:16:56,425
Right.
383
00:16:56,745 --> 00:16:58,265
So, where did God come from?
384
00:17:01,025 --> 00:17:02,025
He's always been around.
385
00:17:02,745 --> 00:17:04,065
There you go. Easy, innit?
386
00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:05,425
Mm.
387
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,504
You always found so
much joy in everything,
388
00:17:12,505 --> 00:17:13,865
all the little things.
389
00:17:14,345 --> 00:17:16,225
Sitting on the sofa with the dog.
390
00:17:16,705 --> 00:17:18,065
With that look on your face, like,
391
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,385
"I'm just sat on the sofa
with the dog. I'm loving it."
392
00:17:22,225 --> 00:17:23,465
Give the dog a kiss from me,
393
00:17:24,505 --> 00:17:26,785
and take her to the
beach. She loves it there.
394
00:17:27,585 --> 00:17:28,985
You both do.
395
00:17:31,145 --> 00:17:32,705
Do you wanna go to the beach?
396
00:17:33,265 --> 00:17:34,265
Yeah?
397
00:17:35,065 --> 00:17:36,265
Come on, then.
398
00:17:40,465 --> 00:17:42,505
Come on. Good girl.
399
00:19:03,665 --> 00:19:06,965
Oh, my God! What did you do that for?
400
00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:08,225
You looked hot!
401
00:19:08,305 --> 00:19:11,265
I was asleep. I'm soaked.
402
00:19:11,345 --> 00:19:13,905
Look, you've freaked the dog out.
403
00:19:13,985 --> 00:19:16,905
Oh, you're such a twat.
404
00:19:16,985 --> 00:19:19,385
Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.
405
00:19:19,465 --> 00:19:22,785
Come on! You come in the
sea with me! You come in.
406
00:19:22,865 --> 00:19:24,745
- No.
- You come in. Tony, come in!
407
00:19:24,825 --> 00:19:26,385
- No.
- Come on!
408
00:19:26,945 --> 00:19:27,945
Come on!
409
00:19:28,265 --> 00:19:29,585
Come in, Tony!
410
00:20:26,985 --> 00:20:28,585
That's why they call them sports socks!
411
00:20:29,785 --> 00:20:32,105
Thank you. You're a wonderful
crowd, you really are.
412
00:20:32,185 --> 00:20:33,585
I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.
413
00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:36,265
I've had some bad news
this week, I have to say.
414
00:20:36,345 --> 00:20:38,265
- Ah.
- Come on, sadder than that.
415
00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:39,345
Ahhh!
416
00:20:39,345 --> 00:20:41,385
Yeah, it was.
417
00:20:41,665 --> 00:20:43,825
A friend of mine actually
committed suicide last week.
418
00:20:44,305 --> 00:20:47,585
Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed
everything in the bathroom cabinet.
419
00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:49,225
Choked on a tampon.
420
00:20:49,305 --> 00:20:51,185
Oh yeah.
421
00:20:53,145 --> 00:20:54,905
Choked on a tampon.
422
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:58,785
So you've got this guy,
absolutely fucking hated that joke.
423
00:20:58,865 --> 00:21:01,865
I tell ya, his face
fell like my nan. Oh no!
424
00:21:02,505 --> 00:21:04,545
Fucking cheer up, mate.
Might not ever happen.
425
00:21:04,625 --> 00:21:08,385
Come on. Instead of, like, "I'm
not gonna laugh at this." Come on.
426
00:21:08,465 --> 00:21:09,705
What's your name then, man?
427
00:21:11,305 --> 00:21:12,345
What's your name?
428
00:21:13,145 --> 00:21:15,265
- Tony.
- Tony. There we go. Not so hard.
429
00:21:15,345 --> 00:21:16,585
What's your story, Tony?
430
00:21:18,105 --> 00:21:20,065
- What's my story?
- Yeah.
431
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:22,265
Sitting here, front
row. What's your story?
432
00:21:24,265 --> 00:21:25,305
My wife died...
433
00:21:25,865 --> 00:21:26,865
earlier this year.
434
00:21:27,785 --> 00:21:28,785
Breast cancer.
435
00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:31,745
And it broke me.
436
00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:35,105
Not a day goes by when I don't...
437
00:21:36,185 --> 00:21:37,425
think of killing myself.
438
00:21:37,865 --> 00:21:40,705
I just don't see any point in living.
439
00:21:46,425 --> 00:21:47,425
Well...
440
00:21:52,305 --> 00:21:55,265
Umbrellas are weird,
aren't they? Do you ever...
441
00:21:55,985 --> 00:21:57,225
As if an umbrella...
442
00:21:58,105 --> 00:21:59,105
He asked.
443
00:21:59,825 --> 00:22:00,905
Yeah.
444
00:22:00,985 --> 00:22:03,505
He did. He asked me a question,
so I told him the truth.
445
00:22:05,505 --> 00:22:07,705
- The truth's important to you.
- Yeah.
446
00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:10,705
Okay, well here's the truth
for you, Tony. I'm tired, mate.
447
00:22:11,385 --> 00:22:14,705
Okay, I'm tired of spending my
working day worrying about you
448
00:22:14,785 --> 00:22:16,545
and about what you're gonna do next,
449
00:22:16,625 --> 00:22:19,385
and trying to come up with reasons
you shouldn't kill yourself,
450
00:22:19,745 --> 00:22:23,185
and finding tickets for
things to try and cheer you up.
451
00:22:23,785 --> 00:22:26,985
Okay? Midweek, as well, when I
should be home with my wife and son,
452
00:22:27,065 --> 00:22:28,545
dealing with my own problems.
453
00:22:28,865 --> 00:22:32,825
Right. So he's allowed to joke about
suicide, but I'm not allowed to...
454
00:22:32,905 --> 00:22:35,745
It wasn't about you, though,
Tony. The joke wasn't about you.
455
00:22:35,825 --> 00:22:37,505
It didn't happen. He made it up.
456
00:22:37,945 --> 00:22:39,787
His friend didn't really commit suicide
457
00:22:39,788 --> 00:22:41,918
by choking on a tampon, obviously.
458
00:22:41,945 --> 00:22:44,385
- No, I get that.
- I mean, he doesn't know your situation.
459
00:22:44,465 --> 00:22:46,505
Well... He doesn't. If he'd said,
460
00:22:46,945 --> 00:22:49,061
"Hands up, anyone whose wife has died
461
00:22:49,062 --> 00:22:50,545
and is thinking about
killing themselves,"
462
00:22:50,625 --> 00:22:51,640
you go, "Yeah, over here." He's like,
463
00:22:51,641 --> 00:22:53,321
"Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."
464
00:22:53,345 --> 00:22:56,145
- Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.
- Great.
465
00:22:56,225 --> 00:22:58,025
He was trying to make people laugh.
466
00:23:00,465 --> 00:23:01,825
That's all I'm doing here, okay?
467
00:23:01,905 --> 00:23:03,945
I'm just... I'm doing my best trying...
468
00:23:04,465 --> 00:23:05,465
to make you happy.
469
00:23:06,705 --> 00:23:07,705
Okay.
470
00:23:09,185 --> 00:23:10,185
Well, cheers.
471
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:16,985
- All right?
- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
472
00:23:17,065 --> 00:23:18,065
See you tomorrow.
473
00:23:25,985 --> 00:23:27,185
Look...
474
00:23:27,465 --> 00:23:28,465
Audrey Hepburn.
475
00:23:30,385 --> 00:23:31,825
Doesn't she look beautiful?
476
00:23:31,905 --> 00:23:34,545
- Brandy, you look so glamorous!
- Oh...
477
00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:37,545
She's a laughing stock.
478
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:38,625
It was her idea.
479
00:23:38,705 --> 00:23:40,681
- How long did that take?
- I'd say...
480
00:23:40,705 --> 00:23:42,025
- ten minutes.
- Brilliant.
481
00:23:48,065 --> 00:23:49,225
Happy with that.
482
00:23:54,865 --> 00:23:56,185
Bought you a little present.
483
00:23:56,825 --> 00:23:58,145
With the money you stole from me?
484
00:23:59,705 --> 00:24:00,705
- Yeah...
- Thoughtful.
485
00:24:14,185 --> 00:24:17,025
You... erm... sure you don't
want a bit of this in it?
486
00:24:18,945 --> 00:24:19,945
Yeah, go on.
487
00:24:21,385 --> 00:24:22,385
Sure?
488
00:24:23,185 --> 00:24:24,905
What's the worst that can happen?
489
00:24:25,385 --> 00:24:27,145
Well... this.
490
00:24:30,225 --> 00:24:32,105
Look, I'm sorry about the whole...
491
00:24:33,345 --> 00:24:35,745
robbing money thing. It's not really me.
492
00:24:36,145 --> 00:24:37,385
It's the disease, right?
493
00:24:38,945 --> 00:24:39,945
We've all got excuses.
494
00:24:43,025 --> 00:24:45,185
I still can't believe
we've got stuff in common.
495
00:24:47,985 --> 00:24:49,265
Both lost our partners,
496
00:24:50,225 --> 00:24:51,865
both trying to numb the pain,
497
00:24:52,465 --> 00:24:53,465
both losers.
498
00:24:54,105 --> 00:24:55,185
No offense,
499
00:24:55,265 --> 00:24:57,305
but I look at you, and I think,
500
00:24:57,825 --> 00:24:59,025
"Fuck me.
501
00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:00,665
I'm like that."
502
00:25:04,545 --> 00:25:05,545
No, you're not.
503
00:25:20,785 --> 00:25:21,945
Don't rob me!
504
00:26:10,345 --> 00:26:15,345
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