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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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If you're watching this,
then I'm not around anymore.
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I couldn't say any of this to
your face. It's too embarrassing.
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For you, not for me, obviously.
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You're never very good at
hearing how lovely you are.
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But you are.
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You are. You're lovely.
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But you're absolutely fucking useless.
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So I thought I'd leave you a
little guide to life without me.
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You've gotta turn the alarm
off in the morning, yeah?
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If you open the door, it'll set it off,
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then the alarm company think
we're getting broken into.
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If you do set it off,
you've gotta ring 'em.
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The number's in your phone under
"alarm." The alarm code is 8645.
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That's your PIN code.
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You know this.
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And... put it on "perimeter,"
otherwise the dog will set it off.
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And feed the dog, yeah?
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First thing in the morning
and when you get in from work.
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And what else?
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Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.
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Black bin is household waste,
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green bin is recy...
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Where's your bowl?
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There it is.
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Oh, fuck!
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No dog food.
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Baked beans or vegetable curry?
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Thought so.
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Oh, sorry.
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I'll get you some real food later.
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Fuckin' hell.
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Vegetable curry for me then.
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Oh!
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- Hello.
- Hello.
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I'm starting here today.
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I'm starting work here today.
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Okay. Do you have a name?
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Yes. Sandy.
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No, I mean, who are
you meant to meet here?
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Who hired you?
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Oh. Mr. Braden.
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Come here. Good girl.
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Your dog should be on a lead.
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- What?
- Dogs should be on a lead.
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Can't you read? The park's for everyone.
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Oh, right. Oh, sorry.
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Thank you. Come here, girl.
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Come here.
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What?! He is not a fat,
hairy, nosy cocksucker.
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Bad girl, Brandy.
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Sorry about that.
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- Disgusting.
- See you later.
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Good girl.
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Right.
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I've gotta go to work.
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See you later.
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I'll bring you some food.
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Good girl. Good girl.
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Good girl.
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Here you go.
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What?
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It's your post.
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Put it through the door.
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Well, you're here,
so it saves me a trip.
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- I don't wanna walk with it, do I?
- Why not?
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You're new, aren't you?
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Yeah, I was transferred...
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No, I don't care.
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Presumably in your old round,
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you put things through
the door, didn't you?
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Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.
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- Why are you talking to me like this?
- Will you report me?
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Yeah. What's your name?
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- You'll laugh.
- Trust me.
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It's Pat.
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- Postman Pat?
- Yeah.
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Put it through the door.
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That was easy, wasn't it?
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- You could've done that.
- No, I couldn't.
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- Why not?
- I'm not a postman.
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Go on.
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Hi, George.
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Hi.
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Who's that?
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He's my uncle.
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Pedo!
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- What?
- Pedo!
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I'm not a pedo.
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And if I was, you'd be safe,
you tubby, little ginger cunt.
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Welcome.
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Great to have you.
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I remember my first day,
and it is exciting, isn't it?
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- Yeah.
- Yeah. Great place to work, this.
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Very dynamic, lots of people
in and out all the time.
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Really excellent bunch of people.
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Hard working.
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It's very rewarding as well. You
get to go out into the community.
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And that can be anything
from local stories, you know,
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erm... entertainment, finance.
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So, yeah.
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Kath does the advertising.
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Be nice to her, and she might take you
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to the opening of a new restaurant,
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give you a free meal.
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Lenny does all the photography,
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so if you're interested in that...
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Everyone chips in on everything, really.
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So what kind of thing are you
interested in, would you say?
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Writing features.
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Perfect. That's great.
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You'll definitely do that here.
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Lots of features. Sky's the limit.
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Erm...
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Tony's the head of features.
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He's not here.
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He's a very good writer.
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Very smart, very
experienced, good guy. Erm...
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He's not himself at the
minute, to be honest.
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He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...
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His... err... Tony's my brother-in-law.
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Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,
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who died.
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Cancer.
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- Sorry.
- Yeah.
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And he was obviously devastated.
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Err... suicidal.
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Right.
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I should warn you, he might...
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say a few things that are a bit...
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err...
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brutal...
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at times, so, you know,
don't take it personally.
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I mean, you will be
working closely with him.
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Anyway, err...
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have fun.
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Thanks.
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So, how are you?
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Same.
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Bad then?
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I've honestly nothing
to compare it to anymore.
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But I guess a good day
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is when I don't go around
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wanting to shoot random
strangers in the face
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and then turn the gun on myself.
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One of my clients
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fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...
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... when he's masturbating.
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Why are you telling me that?
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I didn't say his name.
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No, I know, but...
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how does that help me?
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I dunno.
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I guess to let you know
you're not the only one.
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- Only what?
- Well, the only mental case out there.
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I mean, y'know...
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the only guy with mental problems.
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- I've got problems.
- Go on.
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God, man, where do I start?
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Maybe start with me,
as I'm paying, but...
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- Morning.
- Morning.
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Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.
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Hardly scarred for life.
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She's 93.
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If she lives to 100,
she's only been scarred
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for seven percent of her life.
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You're late.
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You're boring.
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You're joking, aren't you?
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I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?
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It's distribution day.
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No, I mean, why would you think I
was joking about you being boring?
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Have you got a... counterargument or...
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- Why do you let him get away with this?
- I don't.
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Tony, come on. What's going on?
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We're putting out a free local
newspaper that no one cares about.
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No, that's not true.
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And that's not wh... Can
you come in my office?
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- Sure.
- A lot of people rely on our paper.
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Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?
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Back to work, everyone.
182
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What do you want me to say?
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That I'm sorry, and
I'll buck my ideas up?
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'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.
185
00:11:01,045 --> 00:11:03,125
Look, Tony, I know
that you've had issues,
186
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- okay, since you lost Lisa.
- Do you reckon...
187
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my wife dying affected me a bit?
188
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Of course, and you know I get
that. I even told Sandy about it.
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- Who's Sandy?
- The new girl.
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I didn't want her thinking
this is a madhouse.
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I had to say something.
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Look, I just need a bit of
professionalism around here, okay, Tony.
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- Please?
- No.
194
00:11:20,485 --> 00:11:22,085
I shouldn't have to explain this to you.
195
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You can't just go around
being rude to people.
196
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You can, though.
197
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That's the beauty of it.
198
00:11:26,965 --> 00:11:29,805
There's no advantage to
being nice and thoughtful
199
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and caring and having integrity.
200
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It's a disadvantage, if anything.
201
00:11:33,925 --> 00:11:36,565
Well, if you carry on like
this, I might have to let you go.
202
00:11:36,645 --> 00:11:37,645
No, you won't.
203
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:40,565
You won't, that's what I'm
saying, 'cause you're a nice bloke.
204
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So I'll take advantage of you,
205
00:11:42,685 --> 00:11:43,965
like everyone else does here.
206
00:11:44,045 --> 00:11:45,725
- You'll warn me. I'll ignore it.
- What?
207
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:47,645
You'll give me another
warning. I'll ignore it.
208
00:11:47,725 --> 00:11:49,365
I'll carry on doing
what the fuck I want.
209
00:11:49,445 --> 00:11:51,805
Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.
210
00:11:52,365 --> 00:11:54,365
The girls here have discovered
211
00:11:54,445 --> 00:11:57,405
that you won't even
question "women's problems."
212
00:11:57,485 --> 00:11:59,325
Kath's had three periods this month.
213
00:11:59,405 --> 00:12:01,605
She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.
214
00:12:01,685 --> 00:12:04,085
She gets away with it
'cause she's an arsehole.
215
00:12:04,165 --> 00:12:06,605
So, I thought, right,
let's have a bit of that.
216
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:07,805
Why would you wanna do that?
217
00:12:07,845 --> 00:12:10,125
Why wouldn't you just rather
get better and be happy?
218
00:12:10,205 --> 00:12:12,341
There's only one thing that'd
make me better and happy,
219
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,885
and that's Lisa being
around, and that can't happen.
220
00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:17,725
So that's why I nearly
killed myself straight away.
221
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:20,405
Right, okay, but you didn't
kill yourself, did you?
222
00:12:20,765 --> 00:12:23,605
So, clearly, you know,
something made you stop.
223
00:12:23,685 --> 00:12:25,045
The look on the dog's face.
224
00:12:25,765 --> 00:12:28,005
She was hungry, so I
thought I'd better feed her.
225
00:12:28,285 --> 00:12:29,765
It gave me time to think,
226
00:12:29,845 --> 00:12:31,085
"I should be dead now."
227
00:12:31,165 --> 00:12:32,165
I didn't care.
228
00:12:32,165 --> 00:12:33,605
So, everything's a bonus.
229
00:12:34,605 --> 00:12:36,125
If I become an arsehole,
230
00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:38,925
and I do and say what the fuck I want
231
00:12:39,005 --> 00:12:40,365
for as long as I want,
232
00:12:40,445 --> 00:12:41,965
and then when it all gets too much,
233
00:12:42,045 --> 00:12:43,365
I can always kill myself.
234
00:12:43,725 --> 00:12:44,885
It's like a superpower.
235
00:12:45,125 --> 00:12:47,525
That's the worst superhero
I've ever heard of.
236
00:12:48,445 --> 00:12:49,605
That's the way it is now.
237
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:50,765
So what? So...
238
00:12:52,165 --> 00:12:55,765
My job now is to make you
happy before you kill yourself?
239
00:12:55,845 --> 00:12:58,525
That's like a constant ticking
clock for me now, is it?
240
00:12:58,605 --> 00:12:59,645
If you like.
241
00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:01,005
Well, I don't like.
242
00:13:01,085 --> 00:13:03,125
Anyway, that's the way it is.
243
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,485
Okay, well, I'm glad we had this chat.
244
00:13:05,565 --> 00:13:07,005
Yeah, very constructive.
245
00:13:08,645 --> 00:13:09,765
All right, erm...
246
00:13:10,565 --> 00:13:12,565
So this is... This is Sandy.
247
00:13:12,645 --> 00:13:16,085
She's just started today. It's
her first day, erm, so, Tony,
248
00:13:16,165 --> 00:13:18,125
she's gonna be working
under you. If you could...
249
00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:19,845
show her the ropes,
tell her what's what.
250
00:13:21,565 --> 00:13:23,245
Here's what's what...
251
00:13:23,645 --> 00:13:25,085
humanity is a plague.
252
00:13:25,165 --> 00:13:29,085
We're a disgusting,
narcissistic, selfish parasite,
253
00:13:29,365 --> 00:13:31,445
and the world would be a
better place without us.
254
00:13:31,525 --> 00:13:33,725
It should be everyone's
moral duty to kill themselves.
255
00:13:33,805 --> 00:13:36,365
I could do it now. Quite
happily just go upstairs,
256
00:13:36,445 --> 00:13:37,685
jump off the roof,
257
00:13:37,765 --> 00:13:40,245
and make sure I landed on
some cunt from accounts.
258
00:13:40,925 --> 00:13:42,405
That the sort of thing...
259
00:13:43,485 --> 00:13:44,525
you meant?
260
00:13:44,605 --> 00:13:45,605
No.
261
00:13:46,525 --> 00:13:47,885
Just, erm... ignore that.
262
00:13:48,365 --> 00:13:50,685
Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?
263
00:13:50,765 --> 00:13:51,765
Sure thing.
264
00:13:51,845 --> 00:13:53,645
Gotta get the papers out. Thank you.
265
00:13:53,725 --> 00:13:56,061
- You showing her the ropes, yeah?
- Big time.
266
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:57,325
Can I guess the bullet points?
267
00:13:59,045 --> 00:14:00,045
Get in.
268
00:14:00,765 --> 00:14:03,045
Eat in front of the
computer. Go to the pub.
269
00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:04,445
Eat in front of the quiz machine.
270
00:14:04,805 --> 00:14:07,045
Go home. Eat in front of the telly.
271
00:14:07,365 --> 00:14:09,125
Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?
272
00:14:09,525 --> 00:14:11,485
I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.
273
00:14:15,725 --> 00:14:17,165
I've gotta go.
274
00:14:18,245 --> 00:14:20,005
Want me to bring you
more doughnuts, fat boy?
275
00:14:20,045 --> 00:14:21,045
Yes, please.
276
00:14:26,045 --> 00:14:28,125
Do you mind him talking
to you like that?
277
00:14:28,445 --> 00:14:29,445
Nah, he's a mate.
278
00:14:29,925 --> 00:14:31,125
It distracts him.
279
00:14:32,365 --> 00:14:34,765
You don't take any
shit off him, all right?
280
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,725
I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.
281
00:14:38,605 --> 00:14:39,965
- Julian?
- Yeah.
282
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,685
We've had a few calls from people
283
00:14:41,765 --> 00:14:44,325
saying that their building
didn't get any papers delivered.
284
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:45,445
Ah.
285
00:14:45,525 --> 00:14:47,685
Okay, look, that's
weird 'cause I definitely
286
00:14:47,765 --> 00:14:48,885
delivered them all.
287
00:14:49,685 --> 00:14:52,885
You know you've got to ring a buzzer
to get into the actual building?
288
00:14:52,965 --> 00:14:54,325
You can't just leave them outside.
289
00:14:54,365 --> 00:14:57,005
A lot of the old people can't get
up and down the stairs or go out.
290
00:14:57,045 --> 00:14:58,245
Yeah, I know that, boss.
291
00:14:58,325 --> 00:15:00,325
I will be extra careful with these.
292
00:15:01,685 --> 00:15:02,685
Okay.
293
00:15:03,365 --> 00:15:05,445
Can I get paid now?
294
00:15:08,805 --> 00:15:10,245
You will do a good job, won't you?
295
00:15:10,325 --> 00:15:11,765
You can trust me, yeah.
296
00:15:12,725 --> 00:15:14,485
- Thirty-five pounds, right?
- Yeah.
297
00:15:14,765 --> 00:15:15,845
All right. Cheers.
298
00:15:15,885 --> 00:15:16,885
Okay.
299
00:15:26,165 --> 00:15:27,245
Hot date?
300
00:15:29,445 --> 00:15:30,445
Sorry, what?
301
00:15:30,925 --> 00:15:31,925
Just saw you washing
302
00:15:32,245 --> 00:15:34,005
in a puddle from a drain,
303
00:15:34,085 --> 00:15:36,165
and I wondered if it
was a special occasion.
304
00:15:36,725 --> 00:15:37,725
Not really, no.
305
00:15:38,845 --> 00:15:42,005
Gonna buy drugs with that and
dump the papers in the skip?
306
00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:46,605
Well, I should probably dump
them first, then buy the drugs.
307
00:15:46,685 --> 00:15:48,685
I'll forget otherwise, won't I?
308
00:16:19,285 --> 00:16:20,445
Where's Lisa?
309
00:16:23,165 --> 00:16:24,365
She's dead, Dad.
310
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:26,285
Remember?
311
00:16:27,045 --> 00:16:28,405
She died earlier this year.
312
00:16:29,845 --> 00:16:31,445
She was here this morning.
313
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,725
No, she wasn't.
314
00:16:35,885 --> 00:16:36,885
Hi.
315
00:16:37,445 --> 00:16:38,445
Hi.
316
00:16:39,245 --> 00:16:40,405
Right.
317
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:44,125
Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?
318
00:16:46,845 --> 00:16:48,725
If it was a dog, you'd put it down.
319
00:16:49,845 --> 00:16:50,845
It?
320
00:16:51,285 --> 00:16:52,965
I was sort of being nice, that...
321
00:16:54,285 --> 00:16:55,565
I feel sorry for him.
322
00:16:58,845 --> 00:17:00,845
Well, don't you ever
feel sorry for them?
323
00:17:02,125 --> 00:17:03,525
I worry when they cry.
324
00:17:05,605 --> 00:17:08,645
We say there's nothing going on
inside to make ourselves feel better,
325
00:17:08,725 --> 00:17:10,685
but there's definitely
something going on.
326
00:17:11,165 --> 00:17:12,165
Hey?
327
00:17:15,845 --> 00:17:16,925
You married?
328
00:17:18,845 --> 00:17:20,285
No time for that.
329
00:17:21,365 --> 00:17:22,925
I'll give you a good seeing to.
330
00:17:23,365 --> 00:17:24,365
I'm sorry.
331
00:17:24,725 --> 00:17:25,725
It's all right.
332
00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:29,085
Never heard any complaints.
333
00:17:30,245 --> 00:17:31,645
Kept the wife happy.
334
00:17:36,245 --> 00:17:37,605
I've gotta go.
335
00:17:40,165 --> 00:17:41,165
See you later.
336
00:17:41,445 --> 00:17:42,445
See you, Dad.
337
00:17:43,725 --> 00:17:45,045
Bring Lisa with you.
338
00:17:45,405 --> 00:17:46,445
Fuck me!
339
00:17:46,845 --> 00:17:48,005
Yeah, all right.
340
00:17:48,085 --> 00:17:49,445
Jesus Christ!
341
00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:52,405
Good girl.
342
00:17:59,365 --> 00:18:00,685
Ah, fuckin' hell.
343
00:18:03,685 --> 00:18:04,685
No bowls.
344
00:18:04,885 --> 00:18:06,565
Fuck's sake.
345
00:18:23,765 --> 00:18:26,125
No fuckin' milk!
346
00:18:48,565 --> 00:18:50,005
Don't wallow, hey?
347
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:51,285
Stay active.
348
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,645
And keep our house tidy.
349
00:18:54,005 --> 00:18:55,085
Our lovely house.
350
00:18:56,805 --> 00:18:58,845
And don't get drunk
all the time, all right?
351
00:18:59,245 --> 00:19:01,485
'Cause it'll only make you
feel worse in the long run.
352
00:19:02,045 --> 00:19:03,125
I'm not a doctor,
353
00:19:03,205 --> 00:19:05,605
but I have spoken to loads of
'em over the last few months,
354
00:19:05,685 --> 00:19:09,765
and they all reckon it's not ideal
to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.
355
00:19:12,045 --> 00:19:14,005
If you put the dishes
straight in the dishwasher,
356
00:19:14,085 --> 00:19:15,085
it don't build up.
357
00:19:15,565 --> 00:19:17,525
And change the salt every now and then.
358
00:19:17,605 --> 00:19:18,885
The salt's in the garage.
359
00:19:19,365 --> 00:19:22,045
The garage is that massive
thing on the side of the 'ouse.
360
00:19:28,685 --> 00:19:30,685
Oh, fuck's sake.
361
00:19:32,245 --> 00:19:33,445
You all right, yeah?
362
00:19:34,045 --> 00:19:35,245
I was worried about you.
363
00:19:35,685 --> 00:19:37,445
- Why?
- What do you mean, "why"?
364
00:19:37,525 --> 00:19:39,365
Because you always talk
about killing yourself.
365
00:19:40,085 --> 00:19:42,565
Also, you should be at work,
but you know I'll let that slide.
366
00:19:42,645 --> 00:19:45,445
Come to the pub. Me and
Len are going for lunch.
367
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:46,805
No, I've had lunch.
368
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:47,885
Come on.
369
00:19:48,005 --> 00:19:49,741
- We used to go to the pub all the time.
- No!
370
00:19:49,765 --> 00:19:52,205
Someone will make me angry,
and that's the day ruined.
371
00:19:52,285 --> 00:19:54,325
Yeah, I'll take that
chance, Bruce Banner.
372
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:56,005
It'll do you good.
373
00:19:56,285 --> 00:19:58,525
Come on, please. All journalists
go to the pub for lunch.
374
00:19:58,565 --> 00:19:59,725
We're not journalists.
375
00:19:59,805 --> 00:20:01,725
We are journalists. We
work for a newspaper.
376
00:20:02,085 --> 00:20:05,125
Yeah, and that newspaper is
used to line cat litter trays
377
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,925
by old ladies, once a week.
378
00:20:07,445 --> 00:20:09,005
And they read it before they do that.
379
00:20:09,085 --> 00:20:10,381
- We're not journalists.
- We are.
380
00:20:10,405 --> 00:20:11,821
- We're journalists.
- No, we're not.
381
00:20:11,845 --> 00:20:12,845
- Yes, we are.
- Not.
382
00:20:12,925 --> 00:20:14,285
- Stop saying that. We are.
- Not.
383
00:20:14,365 --> 00:20:15,805
Fuckin' hell!
384
00:20:15,885 --> 00:20:17,085
Can you hear that?
385
00:20:17,685 --> 00:20:21,605
Fuckin' fat cunt eating
like a fuckin' slug.
386
00:20:22,565 --> 00:20:25,085
- Doing my fuckin' head in.
- All right.
387
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:27,205
Why don't you throw
yourself into your work?
388
00:20:27,245 --> 00:20:29,101
I can't concentrate with that...
389
00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:31,005
They're crisps. They're crunchy.
390
00:20:31,285 --> 00:20:33,445
But why does he have
to do all that "mm mmm"?
391
00:20:36,205 --> 00:20:37,245
Well, this is fun.
392
00:20:37,325 --> 00:20:38,325
Told you.
393
00:20:38,325 --> 00:20:39,765
You told me? Great.
394
00:20:40,125 --> 00:20:41,805
Always someone who
spoils it, ain't there?
395
00:20:41,845 --> 00:20:43,861
And do you think that might
be you on this occasion?
396
00:20:43,885 --> 00:20:45,005
No.
397
00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:47,725
Look, just ignore him, okay.
398
00:20:47,805 --> 00:20:50,285
As I was saying, why don't you
throw yourself into your work?
399
00:20:50,365 --> 00:20:52,725
It's what depressed
people do. Sometimes.
400
00:20:52,805 --> 00:20:55,485
It's hard for me to throw
myself into my work, when my work
401
00:20:55,565 --> 00:20:58,285
is often talking to a
plumber on the estate
402
00:20:58,365 --> 00:21:00,885
who's grown a potato that
looks like Lionel Richie.
403
00:21:00,965 --> 00:21:02,205
That made the front cover.
404
00:21:02,285 --> 00:21:03,445
It did look like him, though.
405
00:21:03,525 --> 00:21:04,725
Actually, this is a good time.
406
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:06,485
We've got some exciting
leads at the moment.
407
00:21:06,525 --> 00:21:07,645
- Leads?
- Yeah.
408
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,365
Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?
409
00:21:09,445 --> 00:21:10,901
- They are leads.
- Go on. What leads?
410
00:21:10,925 --> 00:21:12,565
- What "leads" do we have?
- All right.
411
00:21:12,645 --> 00:21:14,525
A woman called us, when
she drags her dustbin
412
00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:15,965
it sounds like Chewbacca.
413
00:21:18,365 --> 00:21:20,165
- No.
- No? All right.
414
00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:22,205
Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.
415
00:21:24,245 --> 00:21:25,405
And she wasn't before.
416
00:21:26,325 --> 00:21:27,565
No, I get the angle.
417
00:21:27,645 --> 00:21:30,965
Man who got sent the same
birthday card five times.
418
00:21:31,045 --> 00:21:32,245
- Really?
- Really?
419
00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:34,605
- Yeah.
- Right, let's get to the bottom of that
420
00:21:34,685 --> 00:21:35,805
ASAP.
421
00:21:36,845 --> 00:21:38,285
Well, yes. Why don't you?
422
00:21:38,365 --> 00:21:39,805
'Cause that is your job.
423
00:21:39,885 --> 00:21:40,965
- I know.
- Yeah.
424
00:21:47,965 --> 00:21:49,245
Ring the doorbell.
425
00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:56,725
- You disgusting...
- I didn't wanna do it in his house.
426
00:21:56,805 --> 00:21:58,565
Go to the doctor.
You've got bowel cancer.
427
00:21:58,685 --> 00:21:59,685
- Hello.
- Don't come out.
428
00:21:59,690 --> 00:22:01,701
- This fat cunt's shat himself.
- Are you from the paper?
429
00:22:01,725 --> 00:22:03,085
Yeah. Leave him there for a while.
430
00:22:03,125 --> 00:22:04,365
You fuckin' pig.
431
00:22:10,565 --> 00:22:12,205
When I got the first one, I thought,
432
00:22:12,245 --> 00:22:14,325
"That's a nice card."
433
00:22:14,765 --> 00:22:16,285
And then I got the
second, and I thought,
434
00:22:16,286 --> 00:22:18,325
"Oh, that's funny. Two the same!"
435
00:22:18,645 --> 00:22:20,885
But then when I got the third,
436
00:22:21,325 --> 00:22:23,445
I thought, "Well, what
are the chances of that?"
437
00:22:23,525 --> 00:22:24,725
Astronomical.
438
00:22:24,805 --> 00:22:25,805
And then the fourth...
439
00:22:26,605 --> 00:22:27,605
Wow!
440
00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:28,805
Wow.
441
00:22:28,845 --> 00:22:30,765
But then, five... I mean,
442
00:22:30,845 --> 00:22:32,805
I bet that's never 'appened before.
443
00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:34,605
Not on record anyway.
444
00:22:35,165 --> 00:22:37,805
- Are you taking notes?
- Yeah, all in there.
445
00:22:39,365 --> 00:22:41,605
Is this going to be in
next week's newspaper?
446
00:22:42,005 --> 00:22:43,765
Yeah, we'll rush this through.
447
00:22:43,845 --> 00:22:44,845
Quite a scoop.
448
00:22:45,285 --> 00:22:47,805
My Denise would be tickled by this.
449
00:22:47,885 --> 00:22:49,125
It's my wife.
450
00:22:49,205 --> 00:22:51,125
She passed away last year.
451
00:22:52,365 --> 00:22:53,445
Light of my life.
452
00:22:54,325 --> 00:22:56,885
Anything that happens, I go to tell her.
453
00:22:56,965 --> 00:22:58,285
Then I remember.
454
00:22:59,205 --> 00:23:01,245
Nothing's as good if you don't share it.
455
00:23:02,525 --> 00:23:04,245
Still have my downs,
456
00:23:04,325 --> 00:23:08,325
but then life throws you these
interesting little things, doesn't it?
457
00:23:08,805 --> 00:23:10,525
You can't feel sorry for yourself.
458
00:23:11,205 --> 00:23:12,405
Got to keep going.
459
00:23:14,645 --> 00:23:15,685
Happy birthday.
460
00:23:16,445 --> 00:23:18,205
Oh. Thanks.
461
00:23:22,605 --> 00:23:24,285
Fuck's sake.
462
00:23:29,525 --> 00:23:32,205
Excuse me. Where's the dog food?
463
00:23:32,485 --> 00:23:33,885
It's by the cat food.
464
00:23:34,245 --> 00:23:35,605
Right, well...
465
00:23:35,685 --> 00:23:37,285
I've got another question then.
466
00:23:37,365 --> 00:23:38,645
Where's the cat food?
467
00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:41,045
Tinned products, aisle two.
468
00:23:41,725 --> 00:23:43,445
Cheers. Don't get up.
469
00:23:44,085 --> 00:23:45,085
Okay.
470
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:49,605
- That everything?
- Yeah.
471
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,205
Oh.
472
00:24:05,925 --> 00:24:08,045
All right, mate. You got any money?
473
00:24:11,245 --> 00:24:12,485
- Yeah.
- What?
474
00:24:15,445 --> 00:24:17,005
Yes, I've got money.
475
00:24:17,925 --> 00:24:19,045
Give it to me then.
476
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,965
- Why?
- 'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.
477
00:24:30,205 --> 00:24:31,645
Does that usually work, does it?
478
00:24:32,085 --> 00:24:33,405
To most people,
479
00:24:33,485 --> 00:24:38,485
the threat of death is worse
than giving you money, but...
480
00:24:38,565 --> 00:24:40,605
Or they're worried you'll
hurt their family or...
481
00:24:40,885 --> 00:24:42,165
I haven't got any family.
482
00:24:42,725 --> 00:24:45,605
I'm not gonna go into it, but I
don't care about anything anymore.
483
00:24:45,685 --> 00:24:46,845
I'm not giving you any money.
484
00:24:47,205 --> 00:24:48,245
Are you mental?
485
00:24:48,325 --> 00:24:51,525
No, I'm just tired of doing
things I don't wanna do,
486
00:24:51,605 --> 00:24:52,885
and we always have a choice.
487
00:24:52,965 --> 00:24:54,365
And if I've read this right,
488
00:24:54,845 --> 00:24:55,885
my choice
489
00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:57,205
is either violence
490
00:24:57,685 --> 00:24:59,845
or hand over my money peacefully
491
00:25:01,005 --> 00:25:02,685
to two useless little cunts.
492
00:25:03,365 --> 00:25:04,765
- Are you mad?
- No.
493
00:25:05,005 --> 00:25:07,125
Fuck off! Okay?
494
00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:10,805
Just fuck off.
495
00:25:45,525 --> 00:25:46,645
There you go.
496
00:25:46,725 --> 00:25:48,405
It's no one's fault what's happened.
497
00:25:48,485 --> 00:25:49,845
Don't go blaming the world.
498
00:25:50,245 --> 00:25:52,725
You know how grumpy you get
when things don't go your way.
499
00:25:53,245 --> 00:25:54,925
But you've got such a good heart.
500
00:25:55,485 --> 00:25:57,965
You're born like it. You can't
contrive it. You're just decent.
501
00:25:59,845 --> 00:26:01,485
I knew it, first time I met you.
502
00:26:02,205 --> 00:26:03,805
Hit me like a bolt of lightning.
503
00:26:07,285 --> 00:26:08,965
And I've loved you ever since.
504
00:26:10,005 --> 00:26:11,365
You fat twat!
505
00:26:28,365 --> 00:26:31,485
Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!
506
00:26:31,565 --> 00:26:34,085
You're not a real vicar, I can tell.
507
00:26:34,165 --> 00:26:35,805
Oh, Tony!
508
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:38,245
- Ah!
- Oh my God!
509
00:26:38,325 --> 00:26:39,925
- What?
- Why'd you do this to me?
510
00:26:39,965 --> 00:26:41,965
It's good for you. It
gets your heart going.
511
00:26:42,005 --> 00:26:44,605
- It gets your metabolism up.
- No! You...
512
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:03,000
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