[Maya] Oh, my God, Na, seventh grade!
[Anna chuckles] I know.
It's gonna be amazing.
♪ Give it to me ♪
♪ I'm so addicted ♪
♪ To the loving That you're feeding to me ♪
[Maya] Who else is in homeroom with us?
-Like a Sam? -Oh, my God, he wishes.
He wants you so bad, it's crazy.
Ew, Na! Never in a trillion years, it's disgusting.
-Like hell no! -[Anna] No. I know.
Do you think Alex is still dating Heather?
No, absolutely not. I heard that they broke up,
because Heather gave a handjob to both Brandt J. and Dustin L. this summer.
[Anna] Wait, what?
-[Maya] Yeah. -That whole bag?
[Maya] Such a slut. Oh, my God, also,
I heard that Connie M. grew double D's her last night at camp.
[Anna] That's so effed up.
How is that even possible?
[Maya] I don't know. It, like, happened in the middle of her sleep.
[Anna] That's so unfair that that happens to people...
-[Maya] I know. -[Anna] ...I wish that was me.
-Na? -[Anna] Huh?
I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth.
-Swear on your life. -Swear.
Do I look exactly the same as last year?
-[Anna] Oh, my God! -I won't be mad. Tell me.
-Oh, my God, not at all. -[Maya] I won't be mad.
-[Anna] Are you kidding me? -Really?
[Anna] Promise.
What are you going to wear tomorrow?
I'm thinking, like, my blue shirt with, uh, the stripes.
[Maya] Oh, my God! So cute.
But, like, I'm also thinking of wearing a bra.
Oh, my God. That's, like, really smart.
You need it for your nipples.
Yeah.
I feel like we should make a pact.
Duh! Let's like-- Let's, like, do everything together.
Yeah, no doubt, like, all our first together like our first kiss.
-Obviously. -Yeah, no doubt.
Deal.
Oh, my God! Seventh grade is gonna be so amazing.
It's gonna be really, really good.
This is gonna be like the best year of our lives.
[keypad dialing, beeps]
Shuji, get off AOL!
Shuji!
Maya?
♪ I... ♪
♪ I am hiding ♪
♪ The you I show to you is just a lie ♪
♪ You take what you want ♪
♪ You give what you take ♪
♪ The high, high, high ♪
What's up!
Yeah.
I guess I did change a lot over the summer.
Like, broke up with my camp boyfriend.
Just like single now, so...
Yeah. Line up.
Do you like it? I changed it last night.
No, it's stupid.
No, it's not. It got layers.
Mom!
-[in English] What? -I'll fix it.
Let me try fixing it.
OK, fine. Just like a couple of layers.
-OK, sit. -Just on the left side, though, OK?
-Just like a little bit. -OK. OK. OK.
It's not a lot.
On the left side...
What are you doing with that bowl?
What now?
-I'm going to make it better. -No, no, no.
-I'm going to make it better. -Mom!
-I'm going to make it better. -I'm not six anymore.
Don't put it.
-[speaking Japanese] -[Maya in English] OK, but...
OK, but not really short. OK? Not like you've done before.
-[Yuki] Like a layer, OK? -[Maya] Like a layer?
[Yuki speaking Japanese]
[in English] OK, with not, like, a bowl.
What the fuck did you do?
Shut up, Shuji!
-Hi, Maya. -Hi.
You ready for your first day in a new school, sweetie?
-Yes, thanks. -First year, Mom.
-Oh, my God! -I know.
-How did you not tell me? You hair. -I hate it. I hate it.
-Why? It looks so good. -No, it doesn't.
-Are you serious? -Does it? You swear?
Swear.
-Swear on my life? -Swear on your freaking life.
OK, I was going for Sarah Michelle Geller, but then, like, I ended up with this.
That's who I was gonna say.
But short? -Yeah, how do l look, though?
-You look so good. -No, I don't.
Yes, you do, like, so good.
This is just like-- doesn't fit me right.
No. It looks amazing.
[cackling]
Oh, my God! You got spit on.
Move your bag, dummy.
Don't call me that.
Maya, move your bag.
-Are we picking up Sam next? -[Anna] Yeah.
-Hi, Mrs. Kone. -Hello!
Hi, guys.
Maya, what the fuck did you do to your hair?
-Na, you said it looked good. -It does look good. I don't know why...
It looks like shit, Maya.
Suck my balls, Sam.
Suck these balls.
-Ew! -That's nasty, Sam.
[Maya] God!
Hey, Shuji.
Happy Eighth grade.
-Mom! -[Maya] Yeah, this is good.
[Maya, Anna] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-[Anna] Maya, be cool. -[Maya] I am.
-[Anna] Bye, Mom. -[Kathy] Go.
[Maya] Thank you, Kathy.
-Oh, my God. Maya? Maya? -What? What?
We have to do it at the exact same time.
-Oh, yeah. -First steps in the middle school.
OK, ready? Wait.
[both] One, two, three.
["My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit]
♪ Can we forget about the things I said When I was drunk ♪
♪ I didn't mean to call you that ♪
♪ I can't remember what was said And what you threw at me ♪
♪ Please tell me ♪
♪ Please tell me why ♪
♪ The car is in ♪
[boy] Watch out.
[speaking indistinctly]
Oh, my God!
Connie M. is totally best friends with Heather now.
[Maya] Ooh. Oh, my God!
It's fricking true. They're ginormous!
♪ Bounce, oh, girl Get loose with it ♪
♪ Get loose with it ♪
♪ Now get loose with it And get loose with it ♪
[school bell rings]
-Jessica Abrams. -Here.
-Anna Kone? -Present.
-Uh, Brent Jackson? -President!
[all chuckle]
OK. Cool guy.
-Uh, Maya Ishii-Peters. -Present.
Ishii... Oishi... you making me hungry.
That means food, right?
Yeah. That's crazy. How do you know that?
Spent a little time in Japan teaching English in my 20s...
-Right. Rebecca Roth? -[Rebecca] Here.
-Maya. -What?
Um, is Alex looking at me?
-[Mr. O] Robert Terry? -[Robert] Here.
-[Mr. O] Julie Burger? -No.
How about now? Hold on.
[girl] Present.
No.
No, he's hitting Brandt in the balls.
Hey. Don't. Get away from my balls.
-[Mr. O] Brian Carter? -[Brian] Here.
-He'll probably look at me later. -[Maya] Yeah.
OK. Listen up, everyone.
I have your locker assignments.
-So you can just... take it outside. -[bell rings]
[indistinct]
-Oh, my God! -What are these?
What are what?
There's, like, all these signs.
"Brandt loves Maya."
[Anna] "Dustin loves Maya."
It says down there, too.
Oh, my God! They all say
"Brandt loves Maya" and "Dustin loves Maya."
Anna, what is happening?
Oh, my God!
I mean, is that like me?
-Yeah, it's you. -Crazy. Wait. Wait. Wait.
They're literally the hottest guys in the school.
Maya, it's happening.
Hey, Maya, come over here.
Yeah. Come over here.
Oh, my God!
-Come with me. Come with me. -I can't.
-No, no, no. Come with me. -They didn't say me.
-They only said you. -OK, all right.
-OK. -You got it.
What's up!
You look so different.
Thanks. Um...
Yeah. I got a... I got a haircut last minute.
Oh, where did you get it?
Where did I get it?
-At the salon, that was, like, called... -Superb.
Salon Superb.
Hmm. Never heard of that one.
Becca!
But whatever you did, it worked.
Because Brandt and Dustin obviously think you're, like, so fine this year.
No, they don't. You guys--
-They're totally into you. -Everyone's talking about it.
-They were staring at you. -Stop!
Yeah, Brandt's so fine, and they both like you.
-Isn't that amazing? -I know, like, what!
-Crazy! -It's crazy, you guys,
like, I'm losing my mind right now.
[school bell rings]
[Maya] They think I'm fine, and Heather likes my haircut.
-[Anna] Brandt loves you... -Brandt loves Maya...
-Dustin loves Maya. -Dustin loves you.
Wait. Wait a second. Wait.
Is there another Maya?
[woman talking indistinct]
-No. -No.
No. I can't... I can't think of anyone.
-Yeah. So it's me. -It's you.
It's me. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Hey! You two!
You think you can talk over me?
[both] No.
Oh, thank you.
I've got my eye on you two.
[Maya sighs]
Oh, my God!
[kids cheering]
-[girl 1] Come, come on. -[girl 2] Get him, get him.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, but, like, here comes Brandt.
God, no!
[boy] OK, just throw it.
Stop! Stop. Stop!
♪ Lying in your arms ♪
♪ So close together ♪
♪ Didn't know just what I had ♪
But then again, there's Dustin. He's fly.
♪ Now I toss and turn ♪
♪ Cause I... ♪
His earring is so hot.
-Yeah, I know. -[Maya] He is so cute.
And then there's... him.
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
Earth to Blondie! Batter up!
-Sorry. -Anna, that's you. Oh, my God, go.
[Maya] Go, Na!
You got this.
Kick it, Na!
Kick it. Kick it!
-[coach whistles] -[Anna gasps]
[Holivido] Man down. Everybody, sit down.
Hey, you! Take your victim to the nurse.
I'm really, really, really, really sorry.
It's chill.
Um, it's crazy, though,
because you don't even look bad with blood on your face.
Um, do you know my friend Maya?
Nah.
Oh, my God, that... that's crazy.
That's her nickname for me.
Na.
Um, she's my best friend. She's amazing,
and actually two of your best friends are, like, in love with her.
So it's like, how do you pick, you know,
'cause, like, I've only ever been in love with one person.
Brandt's nice, but you know, Dustin has an earring.
Dustin's a bitch.
-Dustin is a bitch? -[mumbles indistinctly]
Dustin is a bitch.
A bitch?
-[Anna] That's what Alex said. -Oh, my God.
Yeah, so I really think that you should just go with Brandt.
I mean, obviously, whatever you wanna do.
But do you really wanna do with the bitch
that doesn't hang out with Alex?
I don't know. Maybe being with a bitch is the best thing for me.
Look, I like his earring. Shit.
Can't believe they're not friends. They're not best friends?
Yeah, I mean, obviously, not anymore.
[Maya] That is crazy.
OK. Well, then I don't wanna be with him. I don't.
I only wanna be with someone who's best friends with Alex,
'cause I wanna be in the same room with you for our first fingers.
Like, I'm not gonna do without you.
Seriously, like, I'm gonna go with Brandt.
[Mrs. Bell] Quiet, please. Settle down.
Young sir in the Care Bear sweatshirt.
Huh?
-She's a girl. -[all chuckle]
Yeah, I'm a girl.
Care to share something you did over the summer?
Come up to the front.
[Maya] Um...
I guess, like, the most memorable thing I did over this summer
was I watched Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, like, six times in a row.
And it is, like, really funny. [chuckles]
'Cause he does, like, all this like, rewind, like, fast forward stuff, like--
I'll just do it. It's like...
"I really wanna play, Coach. Just give me a chance.
Let's see that in instant slow-mo."
[continues impersonating]
[speaking gibberish]
Really makes me laugh.
And he does this other thing, where he's like...
Ahhh!
Sit down.
Enough of that.
OK. Everyone, take out your summer reading,
and get into groups of four.
Uh, John, Lydia, Jafeer...
OK, so, what do you think about this if I give that to Brandt?
[Anna reading]
Um, it could go like this.
[Maya reading]
[Anna] Look, I feel like it needs a question.
[Maya] OK. Yeah, I know. You're right.
And then put my name, 'cause he won't know who it is.
Perfect.
[Anna] So exciting.
OK, Brandt.
I'm gonna, like, have my first boyfriend.
No doubt.
That's freaking crazy.
It's amazing, and we'll go on, like, double dates and stuff.
I know, with, like, Alex.
I mean, if he wants to.
Dustin says yes. Dustin says yes.
-Brandt says yes. -I do not say yes.
-Yes, he does. -No, I do not.
-[Brandt] Yes, he does. -[Dustin] No, I do not.
Oh, my God, wait.
Dustin, that is, like, so presumptuous to think
that she's asking you. She asked him.
You guys, stop.
This is, like, so mean. Just tell her.
[Dustin] U-G-I-S, biyatch!
-UGIS. -UGIS.
[both yelling]
Wait, what?
Oh, honey, don't you know?
It means ugliest girl in school.
[boy] UGIS!
[Becca] They're so mean.
And they said they don't know why you are wearing a bra, Anna,
'cause there's nothing to go in it.
I'm so sorry.
It's cool, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this is really funny.
[boys] UGIS! UGIS!
-Thanks for telling me, Becca. -[Becca] You're welcome.
-OK. -Bye.
Bye.
It's not they like my haircut.
They're assholes.
[Maya] No. They were right.
-I am ugly. I'm a freaking freak. -No, you're not.
Like... [sniffles]
I'm UGIS.
Maya, if UGIS means beautiful unicorn,
then yeah, you--you you're UGIS. Then, yeah, you are.
No. Na, do you understand, like,
I'm the ugliest girl in school.
You get that in your skull?
Like, to love me is the biggest insult.
Like, that's what it means.
[Maya sobbing]
Then I guess, you know, I've been insulted the greatest.
["Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse]
♪ I'm desperate for changing ♪
♪ Starving for truth ♪
♪ I'm closer to where I started ♪
♪ Chasing after you ♪
♪ I'm falling even more in love with you ♪
♪ Letting go of all I've held onto ♪
You literally look, like, hot right now.
You know, none of this actually makes any sense.
I know.
Like Terra Newback? It's a hunchback for Pete's sake.
Yeah, I know. Or freaking Cindy Puchak like?
Her mole covers her whole neck.
It's the size of my face, like, it's bigger.
And like, think about Beth Mahoney.
Beth Mahoney is freaking busted like...
-She's UGIS. -She's so UGIS.
-Like I'm UGIS? -You're not UGIS.
-Hey, UGIS. -Go fuck your mom.
They're all a bunch of fuckers.
We just have to do something about this.
Anna, I can't.
I have an idea.
Do you know where the eighth graders sit?
[rock music playing]
You shouldn't be here.
-Get out of here, freaks. -OK.
-[Shuji] Fucking leave. -We should go.
Shuji, no. It's important. Stop.
[Anna] Um...
They were these boys in our grade,
who were not kind to...
-I need you to beat them up, Shuji. -Yeah.
[Maya] Like, it just needs to happen.
Why should I?
See. Like I told you he wouldn't care.
This is literally, like, the worst day of my life,
and he'll probably call me UGIS, too.
Did you just say UGIS?
Yeah.
UGIS is the worst thing you can be called.
The list of UGIS's past, they're all heinous dogs.
There's a list?
Look, I'm not gonna beat up a seventh grader,
but I can teach you some words.
Um, what do they look like?
Um. Well, like, um...
Brandt, he, like, has this, like, chestnut silky hair,
and it's like, he has brown honeydew--
No, what are his bad features?
Oh.
[Anna] Um...
-I think he's like... he's, like, short. -Mm-hmm.
-That's true. -Yeah. That's good.
-[Maya] Is that good? -Mm-hmm.
-And like, Stacy Davis told me that... -Oh, yeah.
...she gave me a handy when his dad was sick
to help make him feel better,
and she said he's not circumcised,
and it looks like an aardvark.
That's what she said.
OK, for sure, you're gonna wanna bring up the aardvark dick.
-OK. -OK, this is what you're gonna say.
Hey, you porcupine midget piece of shit,
I would never touch that aardvark dick with a 10-foot pole,
so suck it, bitch.
You got it?
Yeah. Yeah.
-That was great. -OK. All right.
-OK. -Don't--
Come on.
[indistinct talking]
[girl chuckles]
You guys. You guys!
After school, I'm gonna bitch out Brandt and Dustin.
-[all exclaim] -Magic.
She's gonna get her butt kicked.
-You can do this. -Yeah.
Like don't let anyone stop you from your dreams.
Yeah.
[mouthing]
-What's up? -So what's up!
-What's up? -What's up?
-You midget! -What are you doing?
[mouthing]
-Midget! -OK.
Midget.
You midget. Aardvark. You got an aardvark?
-You got an aardvark. -I... I have a dog.
Has a dog.
-You're a piece of shit! -Yeah, you're a piece of shit!
Oh, damn, you're gonna take that?
Midget piece of shit.
-[kids cheering] -Yeah, what?
Come on. Come on, fight.
Yeah! Yeah! You mi--
You midget piece of shit! Yeah!
You gonna take that?
-You better take that. -Yeah, take that.
-You gonna take that? -What?
-You're a midget piece of shit! -Yeah!
And you got an aardvark dick, and that's why your dad died.
-Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Go! Go! -Yes!
[Maya exclaiming]
[Dustin] Hey, Brandt, are you OK?
Can't believe you'd bring up his dad.
What the fuck? Come on.
You can't help it if Dustin's a bitch.
Fuck you!
-[car horn honks] -Oh, my God, my mom!
-Go! Go! -Maya...
It's OK.
[Maya] Did I go too far today?
[Anna] I mean, like, it was definitely, like, intense.
I probably shouldn't have said that about his dad.
[Anna] Yeah. I mean, it was crazy.
-But, like, his dad did die. It's just a fact. -Oh, wait, Na.
Oh! Mayi?
Mayi? Hello?
-Hold on. -OK.
[Shuji voice-over reading]
[Anna] What you doing?
I mean, Maya, are you there?
-Oh, my God, Na! -Oh, my God, what?
-Oh, my God! -What?
Holy f-balls!
[Maya] Can't do this.
I don't wanna face everyone.
I don't wanna do seventh grade.
I'm not doing seventh grade by myself.
No, it's gonna be a lot easier for you now.
I mean, like, you should go.
Maya.
You are my actual rainbow gel pen
in a sea of blue and black writing utensils, like...
-I'm not doing it alone. -Really?
Yeah! Duh!
-So we'll do it together? -Yeah.
Just one step at a time. It's not like it's gonna last forever.
-Yeah, it's not. -Like...
And, like, I'll do it you do it.
OK. I'll do it if you do it.
Wait.
We have to do it at the exact same time, OK?
One, two...
♪ I wish I could tie you up in my shoes ♪
♪ Make you feel unpretty too ♪
♪ I was told I was beautiful ♪
♪ But what does that mean to you? ♪
♪ Look into the mirror Who's inside there ♪
♪ The one with the long hair ♪
♪ Same old me again today, yeah ♪
♪ You can buy your hair if it won't grow ♪
♪ You can fix your nose if he says so ♪
♪ You can buy all the make-up That M. A. C can make ♪
♪ But if you can't look inside you ♪
♪ Find out who am I to ♪