1 00:00:08,875 --> 00:00:14,247 all: 2 00:00:24,157 --> 00:00:28,495 - I'd like to talk today about a very demonic show 3 00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:31,064 called "Will and Grace." 4 00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:34,834 While I do think the woman who plays Karen is funny, 5 00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:39,506 Grace lives with a homosexual man. 6 00:00:39,572 --> 00:00:44,277 But Leviticus says, "If a man lies with a male, 7 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,347 they shall surely be put to death. 8 00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:51,618 Their blood is upon them." 9 00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:05,632 - You are embarrassing this family and are in big trouble. 10 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,734 Wake up! 11 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,270 - Maybe if church wasn't so goddamn boring. 12 00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:13,907 - But what Leviticus-- - Safe another day. 13 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,448 - God, there's so many hot people here. It's insane. 14 00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:24,117 - I know. Oh, I love the Soho house. 15 00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,286 It's too bad I look like shit for a living now 16 00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:27,954 and do nothing but work. 17 00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:29,722 Oh, you should go on Grindr here. 18 00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:32,258 You could absolutely fuck tonight. 19 00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:33,960 - I dunno. I'm still kinda nervous. 20 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,295 - Oh, my God. Relax. 21 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,630 Everyone's on Grindr. I am on Grindr. 22 00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:38,832 - Wait, you are? - Yeah. 23 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,166 Just to get TV recommendations. 24 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:42,302 It's how I first heard about "Fleabag." 25 00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:43,903 - I mean, I did create a profile. 26 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:45,572 I just haven't pulled the trigger yet. 27 00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:49,776 - You did? Lemme see. 28 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,744 God, Cary! 29 00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:54,080 This is the least sexy picture I have ever seen. 30 00:01:54,147 --> 00:01:57,317 It's supposed to be of, like, your butt or dick. 31 00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:59,986 - Okay. I do not have pics like that on my phone. 32 00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:03,756 - Ugh, well, I do. How about this dick? 33 00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,325 - No. That's Noah Centineo's. 34 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:07,193 Every person alive is gonna recognize that. 35 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:11,164 - Okay, fine. How about Lance's? 36 00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:12,866 Can't believe I still have this stupid thing in here, 37 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,468 but it was gorgeous, so it'll work 38 00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:17,937 till I guess they see yours? 39 00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,506 - Okay. Fine. I'll use it. 40 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:21,808 Now, can you please stop talking about dicks at church? 41 00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:37,824 - Oh, my God. 42 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,460 I wish our church growing up was as cool as this. 43 00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:42,695 - Sup, fam? 44 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:44,364 You guys as excited as I am? 45 00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:46,833 Of course not, I'm the one whose son is getting baptized. 46 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,802 - He's not your son. - Ugh, great, this guy's back. 47 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:52,338 Yeah, no. He's not officially my son, 48 00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:56,209 but perhaps one day you will all be my children. 49 00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,178 - Okay. All right. Where is our mom? 50 00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:01,915 - Oh, she really wanted to be here for this blessed event, 51 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,550 but unfortunately she was called 52 00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:05,385 to do the Lord's work elsewhere. 53 00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:06,886 - Madame Tussauds 54 00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:08,821 will be closing in one hour. 55 00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:11,891 - Wow! That looks just like her. 56 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,426 - That's because it is me! 57 00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:16,062 - Look, we got a camera! 58 00:03:16,162 --> 00:03:18,598 - Wait, so why is Chase getting baptized? 59 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,099 I didn't even know he was religious. 60 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,868 - Cary, this is a celebrity church. 61 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,436 You don't come here to worship. 62 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,038 You come here to be famous 63 00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:26,906 or to collaborate with other people who are famous. 64 00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:28,575 - Yeah. And we wanna keep moving Chase 65 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:29,943 more into the fashion world. 66 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,077 And this is where Kylie and Kendall met 67 00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:32,412 to start their fashion line. 68 00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:34,881 - Aren't they sisters? both: Yes. 69 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,016 - Sorry. It's my agent. 70 00:03:37,083 --> 00:03:39,619 - You never have to apologize to me, my son. 71 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:40,954 - Hello? - Car! 72 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,689 What do you say to being on Grindr? 73 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:45,291 - What? Why does everyone want me on Grindr so bad? 74 00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:46,793 - I got you a gig hosting a quiz show 75 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,561 that plays exclusively on the app. 76 00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:50,230 So in between guys deciding who they gonna fuck, 77 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,431 they can guess where Cher was born 78 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:52,732 to win a year's supply of PrEP. 79 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,267 - No! I-- 80 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:55,702 I want acting roles. 81 00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:57,971 There are so many TV shows now. 82 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,640 It's statistically impossible for me not to be on one. 83 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:04,310 I just saw my upstairs neighbor who's a shut-in on "Ozark." 84 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:08,414 So you know what? I'm not doing this again with another agent. 85 00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:09,749 You're fired. 86 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,484 - No. No, no! 87 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:14,120 Okay, Car, what was that? 88 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:19,726 Oh, my God. How did I just get 50 emails in six minutes? 89 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:21,494 - Hi, there. I'm Lou. 90 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:23,296 This is Jagger and Seinfeld. 91 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:25,498 both: Hey. - Holy shit. 92 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,934 I mean, hi. 93 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,969 Sorry. You guys are all just so hot. 94 00:04:30,069 --> 00:04:31,437 Everyone from my church growing up 95 00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:33,172 looked like a mean sack of flour. 96 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:38,278 - You're joining today, right? - Oh, no. My client is. 97 00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:40,079 I represent ChaseDreams. 98 00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:41,781 - Aww, that's too bad. 99 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,916 We were gonna invite you on our Church trip this weekend. 100 00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:45,285 - Oh, thanks. 101 00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,320 But I don't really, like, build houses. 102 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:50,356 - Houses? No. We're going to Mykonos. 103 00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,759 We're on Hailey Bieber's team, and she has a photoshoot there. 104 00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:55,495 - So we were all gonna go and take the church jet. 105 00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,530 - Oh, well. Bye! 106 00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:00,600 - Okay. Bye. 107 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,168 Seinfeld? 108 00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:04,003 - All right, The baptism will start in just a few minutes, 109 00:05:04,103 --> 00:05:05,271 so please take your seats. 110 00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:07,273 And remember, the gospel of the Lord. 111 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,876 Drink water, you guys. 112 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,311 - Hey. - Hey. 113 00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:13,546 - How was your call? - Bad. I fired him. 114 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,315 - What? - He never listened to me. 115 00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:18,618 I've been submitting myself for roles on Actors Access. 116 00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:20,153 - Oh, Debra. - 'Cause there are 117 00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:21,621 roles out there, like, this morning 118 00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,289 I submitted for a part on this new 119 00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:24,791 "Riverdale" spin-off. 120 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:26,626 It's to play an elderly teacher with dementia. 121 00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:28,494 And I am the exact right age for that. 122 00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:30,029 - Yeah. - But I'm sure no one 123 00:05:30,129 --> 00:05:31,698 will even see my tape. 124 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,199 - But you know the producer of that show 125 00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:34,534 is a member of the church. 126 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:35,902 - What? - Yeah. 127 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,303 You should talk to him after the baptism. 128 00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:38,538 I mean, Chase isn't the only one 129 00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:39,872 who can make connections here. 130 00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:42,508 - Whoa, I absolutely will. Thank you. 131 00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,310 - Anything... 132 00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:46,079 for my children. 133 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:50,917 - And the Lord spoke unto me and said, "My child, 134 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,386 you shall lead a church where all celebrities 135 00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:57,890 can worship freely. It shall be called ChristSong. 136 00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:04,364 And thy name shall be Pastor Jax Dag!" 137 00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:19,011 - Okay. 138 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,248 - How's everybody feeling today? 139 00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:26,519 - Yes, that's what I'm talking about. 140 00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:30,022 - I feel so blessed to be here today as your pastor. 141 00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:33,559 You know, I didn't always think that I was gonna be a pastor. 142 00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:37,430 I thought I was gonna have my own prank show on MTV, 143 00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:40,099 but God had different plans for me. 144 00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:42,435 - Ew, this is insane. - I know. 145 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,537 - I'm getting, like, one email per second. 146 00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:45,905 - Now I can remember the first time 147 00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:49,242 I ever felt the power of the Lord. 148 00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:51,377 I was water skiing. 149 00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:55,114 And I got up on the very first try. 150 00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,551 I had never done it before, 151 00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:01,220 and here I was, just crushing it. 152 00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:04,590 - Wow. - But today is not about me. 153 00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:09,495 Today is about a new congregant joining our church. 154 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:10,997 ChaseDreams! 155 00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:22,608 Chase, my man--what made you wanna get baptized today? 156 00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:25,511 - Uh, my manager said it'd be good for my career? 157 00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:26,946 - That's beautiful. 158 00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:29,782 But you know who your real manager is, right? 159 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,818 It's the big guy upstairs. 160 00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,187 And you don't give him 10%, 161 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,689 You give him 100%. 162 00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:39,959 You give us 10%. 163 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:44,997 because starting today, we're family. 164 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,166 I shall be your father, 165 00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:50,203 and you shall be my son. 166 00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:53,539 Now, let's do the damn thing! 167 00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:57,810 - Father? 168 00:07:57,877 --> 00:07:59,612 Son? 169 00:08:01,113 --> 00:08:03,983 - Do you, ChaseDreams Dubek, 170 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,818 as witnessed by all of ChristSong, 171 00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:08,621 including four out of the six Avengers--what's up, guys-- 172 00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:10,690 fucks with God? - I do. 173 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,792 - Then we offer you all: Our strength. 174 00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:14,227 Our guidance. 175 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,230 And if anyone sues you, the full power of our 176 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,165 in-house legal team. 177 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:20,700 Amen. 178 00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,640 - Thus concludes today's baptism. 179 00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:29,542 - Yes. - All baptized members 180 00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:30,977 are now welcome to head upstairs 181 00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:33,579 to join our exclusive VIP after party. 182 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,082 Everyone else can, I don't know, 183 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,918 fuck off? - What? 184 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,821 No, no. Shit, shit, shit. 185 00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,389 - Unless there is anyone else 186 00:08:43,489 --> 00:08:45,758 who is moved to join the church today? 187 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,695 - I am. 188 00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:55,034 - We're here to baptize another new member of our flock. 189 00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,570 Cary Dubek, adopted brother of ChaseDreams. 190 00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,205 - Biological brother. 191 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,040 - But different mom? - No. 192 00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,608 - Different dad? - Nope. 193 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,744 - The Lord works in mysterious ways. 194 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,279 Do you, Cary Donald Dubek, 195 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:10,449 as witnessed by all of ChristSong, fucks with God? 196 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,518 - I do. 197 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:14,120 But could you not put me all the way under? 198 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,422 The shirt still has the tags-- 199 00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:23,262 - Eh-- 200 00:09:30,369 --> 00:09:32,638 God, I wish I was them. 201 00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:35,741 - Do you, Brooke 202 00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:37,610 Wouldn't-Tell- Me-Her-Middle-Name-Dubek, 203 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,413 as witnessed by all of ChristSong, 204 00:09:40,479 --> 00:09:42,048 fucks with God? 205 00:09:42,114 --> 00:09:43,382 - I do. 206 00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:45,084 But I think I'm starting to get a little sick. 207 00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,786 I don't know if that'll contaminate the pool, or-- 208 00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,654 - Nah. Chlorine kills everything. 209 00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,122 I've been peeing in here all day. 210 00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:51,757 - What? 211 00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:57,063 - Now, let's head to the VIP section 212 00:09:57,129 --> 00:10:00,066 to celebrate all my new children. 213 00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,970 - They're my children. 214 00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:07,573 - Um--do you 215 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,141 Streeter Peter Peters, 216 00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:12,311 as witnessed by all of ChristSong, fucks with God? 217 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,481 - I...do. 218 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,496 - Okay, so now that you're part of the church, 219 00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:32,465 I wanna be there for you through everything. 220 00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,667 I wanna hold your hand when you get your first tattoo. 221 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,335 I wanna help you pick your wife. 222 00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:38,037 And after you pick your wife, 223 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,505 I want you and your wife to live with me. 224 00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:41,607 - Uh, speaking of tattoos, you know, 225 00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:43,142 Pastor Dag isn't the only one 226 00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:46,012 who knows his way around the old ink parlor, so-- 227 00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:48,280 - Whoa, Streeter, you have a tattoo? 228 00:10:48,347 --> 00:10:50,349 - Do I have a tattoo? Oh please. 229 00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:52,685 I got this on 9/11. 230 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:55,621 Not for 9/11, I just happened to be getting it that morning. 231 00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,990 Anyway, a lot better than those dumb goose wings, 232 00:10:58,057 --> 00:10:59,525 am I right, Chase? 233 00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:00,860 They're angel wings, actually, 234 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,862 and they're for my late grandmother. 235 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:05,131 - They're so cool. 236 00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:07,299 - Cooler than mine? 237 00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:08,868 - Hi! 238 00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,671 Excuse me. Sorry. 239 00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:13,873 Hey, girlies! 240 00:11:13,973 --> 00:11:15,074 all: Hey! 241 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,643 - We are so glad that you got baptized. 242 00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:19,245 - Yeah. Me too. 243 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:23,049 So can I still come with you guys to Mykonos on your jet? 244 00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:26,352 - I think you mean, our jet. - Oh, my God. 245 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,721 Our jet. - Hailey wants to try 246 00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:31,257 this new foie gras place when we land. 247 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,925 You in? - Duh! 248 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,226 I love foie gras. 249 00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:36,062 I have always pronounced it that way. 250 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:37,863 - And if you want, we can have someone 251 00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:39,365 take care of your roots on the jet. 252 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,734 - Are you serious? I would love that. 253 00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:44,236 I haven't had a second to touch them up in months. 254 00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:45,705 - We should do facials, too. 255 00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:47,339 - Oh yeah. Yeah. - Wow. 256 00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:52,611 So, like, every problem I have, you guys will just...fix? 257 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,113 all: Yeah. 258 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,715 - Is this the promised land? 259 00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:05,057 Mind if I join you? 260 00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:06,926 I'm Cary. - Dennis. 261 00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,794 Congrats on being baptized. 262 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:12,398 - What can I say? I--I love the Lord. 263 00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:15,101 Almost as much as I love to act. 264 00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:16,602 - Oh, you're an actor? 265 00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:17,870 I'm a producer. 266 00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,572 I should put you in some of my stuff. 267 00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:21,874 - Oh, uh, wow! 268 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,276 Yeah, that would be great. What kind of-- 269 00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:27,279 - I'm actually casting a "Riverdale" spin-off right now. 270 00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:29,915 - Oh, that's cool. I hadn't actually heard of-- 271 00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:32,718 - You'd be great for the elderly teacher with dementia. 272 00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:34,286 It's only two scenes and then you die, 273 00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:35,287 but it's a great death. 274 00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:36,288 Goldilocks kills you. 275 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:37,990 - As in, the three bears? 276 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,826 - Yeah. They just kinda let us do whatever. 277 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:43,596 Anyway, part's yours if you want it. 278 00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:47,233 - Sorry, you're just giving me the part? 279 00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:48,901 Wha--what's the catch? 280 00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:51,437 - No catch. You're part of the church now. 281 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,272 We help each other out. 282 00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,175 - Curtis, you're not gonna believe this. 283 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,978 I just got cast in a "Riverdale" spin-off. 284 00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:00,813 - Shut up! You did? How? 285 00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:03,816 - It's a crazy story. I got baptized into ChristSong 286 00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,985 because the producer of the show goes here. 287 00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:10,422 And he offered me the role just because I'm part of the church. 288 00:13:12,191 --> 00:13:13,659 - Are you insane? 289 00:13:13,759 --> 00:13:14,994 That church is horrible. 290 00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,663 It's, like, crazy anti-gay. 291 00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,532 - What? No, no. 292 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,866 The people here are cool. 293 00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,635 - Cary, they don't let gay people 294 00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:24,770 hold positions of power, shit like that. 295 00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:26,138 You should Google it. 296 00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:27,706 It's also weirdly anti-woman too. 297 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:31,110 You have to leave. You cannot take that role, 298 00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,347 - Cary, hey. Just got back from 299 00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:36,682 only peeing in the bathroom. 300 00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:37,850 - What is happening here? 301 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,885 - Oh, these? 302 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,288 I've always had these. You know, the goose wings 303 00:13:42,354 --> 00:13:43,689 are for my grandmother. 304 00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:47,026 - Are you trying to be Jax Dag? - What? 305 00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:49,695 Who the frig even is Jax Dag? 306 00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:51,997 - The man who just baptized you. 307 00:13:52,064 --> 00:13:55,301 - Yeah. And when he did, I could feel his arm shaking. 308 00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:57,336 It's weird to believe in God 309 00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:59,238 when God made you so weak. 310 00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:02,741 - Okay. Streeter. I--I have to go. 311 00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:08,480 - Could we also get a dentist on the jet? 312 00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:10,015 I've been working so much. 313 00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:12,151 I haven't been able to go in 15 years. 314 00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:14,854 - Brooke. Hey, sorry. - Sorry. 315 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,722 - Okay, get this. I got that part. 316 00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:18,357 The elderly teacher, he just gave it to me. 317 00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,726 - What? Oh my God. Cary! Yes! - I know. 318 00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:23,062 But then I talked to Curtis and he said, 319 00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:25,831 this church is anti-gay so I can't take the role. 320 00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:27,766 - Oh. - But I was thinking 321 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:31,537 maybe I could still take it, and stay in the church. 322 00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:34,206 Because this role could lead to other roles. 323 00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:35,841 And then one day I might be famous enough 324 00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:37,910 to take down the church from the inside, you know? 325 00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:39,345 'Cause its power to enact change. 326 00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:42,448 So in a way it would be anti-gay of me 327 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,016 not to take the role. 328 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:46,585 - Uh, Cary, I love you, 329 00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:49,588 but I don't think you can take it, right? 330 00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:52,091 Like, morally? 331 00:14:52,191 --> 00:14:54,260 - Anyway, I gotta get back to my girls. 332 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,929 We're planning our Mykonos trip. 333 00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:59,632 - Curtis also said the church is anti-woman. 334 00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,436 - So I do see what you were saying earlier. 335 00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:05,537 - Mm. - About needing power 336 00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:07,106 to enact change. - Right. 337 00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:08,741 - This church is probably anti-woman 338 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,542 because it's run by men. - Hmm. 339 00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:13,445 So I should stay in the church and go to Mykonos. 340 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:14,947 And rise in the ranks, 341 00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:16,715 and become its first female leader. 342 00:15:16,782 --> 00:15:18,317 - So your plan is to be 343 00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:21,453 the leader of an anti-woman church? 344 00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:24,990 - Ugh. - Ugh. 345 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:31,463 - You know, Curtis can sometimes be wrong. 346 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,066 - Yes. Yes. I have heard that about him. 347 00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:36,001 - Uh-huh. - Plus, it would be anti-woman 348 00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:37,636 to listen to a man's opinion on this. 349 00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:38,904 - Yes! - So I should go 350 00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,773 find a woman and ask her opinion. 351 00:15:40,839 --> 00:15:43,309 - And I should go ask more gay men. 352 00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,244 Just to be sure. - Yep, absolutely. 353 00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:46,645 That seems totally fair. - Great. Cool. 354 00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:49,515 So where do I find gay men near me? 355 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,150 - Oh, my God. Grindr. 356 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,352 - No. Okay. I haven't even used Grindr to have sex. 357 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,422 I can't use it to ask people if I can be in an anti-gay church. 358 00:15:56,488 --> 00:15:58,857 - Cary, guys on Grindr are up for anything. 359 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,493 This is technically that. 360 00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:02,928 - Okay, fine. Fine. 361 00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,164 I'm gonna go ask gay guys and you go ask women. 362 00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:08,968 - Or, you can go ask women and I'll do the fun one. 363 00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:13,639 - No, I'm ready. I'm gonna go on Grindr. 364 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:18,344 - And I'm going to go talk to women. 365 00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,615 - Okay. 366 00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:30,189 - Hey. - Oh, shit. 367 00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:32,958 You've been in my phone this whole time? 368 00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:37,896 - Oh, you actually don't have to--Jesus Christ. 369 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,065 I was actually just wondering--whoo, 370 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,534 look at that fat dick. 371 00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:46,872 Nope, sorry. I just have to ask you a question. 372 00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:48,173 it's gonna be a little weird. 373 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:52,177 But I was offered a role on a TV show-- 374 00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:53,545 - I'll run lines with you after. 375 00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:55,514 That's not weird. Most guys ask to do that. 376 00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:57,549 - Oh, no. I was offered a role, 377 00:16:57,649 --> 00:17:01,887 but I have to be in an anti-gay church to take it. 378 00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:04,256 Do you think I could do that? Probably, right? 379 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:08,060 Also you were really gonna have sex with me? 380 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,697 Like, with that dick and those wet abs? 381 00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:15,100 You saw me and you were like, "Yeah, I'd have sex with him." 382 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,403 - Yeah. You're hot. - Oh, my God. 383 00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:18,837 I think I'm going to pass out. 384 00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:20,739 - But for me I guess I wouldn't take the role. 385 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,742 That just feels morally wrong. 386 00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:25,110 Can I take off your shirt? 387 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,246 - I would love that, but I do have to go find 388 00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:30,082 someone else to give me the opposite answer. 389 00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:33,185 - Okay. You do you. - All right. 390 00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:35,054 Mm. 391 00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:48,200 - Okay. Thank you. I should-- 392 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,235 I should get going. 393 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,712 - Hello. 394 00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:02,781 Hi. 395 00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:14,460 - Is your body nice and relaxed? 396 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,797 And more importantly, is your mind nice and open? 397 00:18:18,897 --> 00:18:21,500 - Yes. - Now, imagine 398 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,337 you're lying on a white sand beach in Mykonos. 399 00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:29,408 - Mmm. - You just got your roots done 400 00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:31,143 on the flight over. 401 00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:32,845 Doesn't that sound nice? 402 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,347 - Yes. - Now, imagine 403 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:39,485 to do all of that, all you need to do 404 00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:42,154 is join an anti-woman church. 405 00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:45,157 - What? No. Why would I do that? 406 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:46,191 - Damn it! 407 00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:50,662 - Hello? 408 00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:52,798 - So do you think I can do it? 409 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,166 - Morally, I say who gives a fuck? 410 00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:56,602 - Yes! Who gives a fuck? Thank you. 411 00:18:56,668 --> 00:18:58,003 - But you might eat shit online. 412 00:18:58,103 --> 00:19:00,005 - What's that, now? - I guess it depends 413 00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:01,039 how famous you are. 414 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,474 Tony? - Yeah? 415 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:05,277 - Do you know who this guy is? - Um, no. 416 00:19:05,344 --> 00:19:06,812 This is no one to me. Sorry. 417 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,213 - No, I am no one. 418 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,482 It's like, "Cary Dubek? Who cares what he does?" 419 00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:13,051 - Cary Dubek? Oh, my God. 420 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,521 You're, like, famous. - No. No, I am not. 421 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:17,322 I am no one. He just said-- 422 00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,158 - Sorry, is this an actor I should know? 423 00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:22,194 - Uh, not really an actor. More like just a host? 424 00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:24,329 - Exactly. More like just a host. 425 00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:26,031 So you shouldn't know who I am. 426 00:19:26,131 --> 00:19:27,533 It's actually kind of weird he does. 427 00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:32,204 - Okay. Hold on. So Tony doesn't know you and-- 428 00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:34,206 - Bruce. - Bruce does. 429 00:19:34,306 --> 00:19:37,009 I think we need a tie-breaker. Curtis? 430 00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:39,912 - Yes? Cary, what are you doing here? 431 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,680 - Shit. Nothing. I was just-- 432 00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,215 - Wait, are you trying to get permission 433 00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,017 from other gays to take that part? 434 00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:50,589 - No, no, nope! 435 00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,357 - Okay, nope. 436 00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:56,061 Absolutely not. 437 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:01,200 Bingo! 438 00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:04,102 Hey, my Texas lady! 439 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,537 I was just having a little problem, 440 00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,072 and I was wondering if you could help. 441 00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:08,740 - Oh, sure. - Well, I just met these girls 442 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,943 and they invited me on their private jet. 443 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,377 - I see the problem. 444 00:20:12,444 --> 00:20:14,179 Jets are really bad for the environment. 445 00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:15,948 - Oh, yeah, no. That's not the problem yet. 446 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,383 Anyway, we're gonna be winin' and dinin' 447 00:20:18,450 --> 00:20:19,585 on foie gras-- 448 00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:21,119 - Oh, now I see the problem. 449 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,622 Foie gras is a by-product of animal abuse. 450 00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:24,723 - Oh, that's not the problem either. 451 00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,258 - Oh, it is a problem. 452 00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:27,960 They force feed ducks to make their livers fatter. 453 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,295 - Okay. What is going on here? Are you even from Texas? 454 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,264 - Yeah. I'm from Austin. 455 00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:33,298 - Fuck! 456 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,734 I always forget about Austin. 457 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,610 Well, I was right. I hate women. 458 00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:46,078 - Oh, I struck out too. 459 00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:48,647 God, I needed this so bad. 460 00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:51,617 - I know. I know. God damnit! 461 00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:53,652 And, like, I'm grateful for my job or whatever, 462 00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:55,120 but all I do is work. 463 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,289 I actually look forward to shitting now, 464 00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:58,657 because it's the only time 465 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:00,792 I can't physically get up and do something. 466 00:21:00,892 --> 00:21:03,161 And these girls were just fucking nice. 467 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,130 And I don't know, it just seems like things 468 00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:06,298 are easier for them. 469 00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,666 Like, they get to go places, 470 00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:11,803 and look like human beings and have friends. 471 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:14,973 - Maybe we can stay. Like, who will care? 472 00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:16,842 We're small fish. I'm on Cameo. 473 00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,911 - Wait, you are? - Yeah. I charge $18. 474 00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:22,648 - Oh, my God! We have to stay! - Yeah. 475 00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,750 And if people attack the church, they're gonna come 476 00:21:24,816 --> 00:21:28,186 for the really famous people, not us. 477 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,088 - Oh, my God. - What? 478 00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:32,324 - I'm so fucking dumb. 479 00:21:32,424 --> 00:21:33,592 Chase. 480 00:21:33,659 --> 00:21:35,027 They're gonna come for Chase. 481 00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,362 I'm his manager, Cary. I have to pull him. 482 00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:38,797 We have to go. 483 00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:39,998 - Did you guys know the Body of Christ here 484 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:41,466 is a margherita flatbread? 485 00:21:41,533 --> 00:21:43,368 - Um, hey bud, 486 00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:44,770 I have some bad news. 487 00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:47,005 This church's anti-gay and anti-woman, 488 00:21:47,105 --> 00:21:50,108 so I don't think we can stay. 489 00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:52,444 - Oh. That sucks. 490 00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:57,683 - It's okay. 491 00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:59,718 I think he just needs time to process it. 492 00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:02,854 I mean, it took us two hours, and he's a child. 493 00:22:02,954 --> 00:22:06,525 - Hey guys, I just heard some news that really sucks. 494 00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:09,561 Apparently this church is anti-gay and anti-woman, 495 00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:11,897 so I have to leave without even giving it a second thought. 496 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:13,999 Because when you hear information like this, 497 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:16,201 that's what you do. You act. 498 00:22:16,301 --> 00:22:18,970 - Yes. That's right. 499 00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:20,405 You act immediately. 500 00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,374 - I also then Googled the church right away 501 00:22:22,474 --> 00:22:23,975 just so I'd be properly informed. 502 00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:26,011 - Yep. 'Cause that's what you do. 503 00:22:26,078 --> 00:22:27,179 You Google. 504 00:22:27,245 --> 00:22:28,880 You Google right away. - Mm-hmm. 505 00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:31,149 - And I found a lot of bad stuff. 506 00:22:31,216 --> 00:22:33,051 Apparently you guys don't allow gay people 507 00:22:33,151 --> 00:22:34,519 to hold positions of power. 508 00:22:34,586 --> 00:22:36,488 Wow. Wow. 509 00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:37,823 You guys are okay with this? 510 00:22:37,889 --> 00:22:39,091 - And you have a history of sexism 511 00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,726 that goes all the way to the top. 512 00:22:40,826 --> 00:22:43,495 - This is so bad, you guys. 513 00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:45,030 - It also says some of your leaders 514 00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:46,865 used to support conversion therapy? 515 00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:48,767 - Wait, I actually didn't know that one. 516 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,536 - Is this church worse than our old church? 517 00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:53,572 Why do you guys all look so cool? 518 00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:55,607 You're this anti-gay, you should be like, 519 00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:56,908 living in pig shit. 520 00:22:57,008 --> 00:22:59,077 Not doing molly at the Soho House. 521 00:22:59,177 --> 00:23:01,213 - And Pastor Jax, apparently your dad 522 00:23:01,279 --> 00:23:02,848 has some weird allegations against him 523 00:23:02,914 --> 00:23:04,883 that you helped cover up using church money? 524 00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,284 It says something to do with little kids. 525 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:09,755 - Uh-- - Yes! Little kids? 526 00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:11,957 That's great. - Oh, my God. 527 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:13,458 What is this now? - Wow. 528 00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:18,797 You look like a fool, Jax Dag. An absolute fool. 529 00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:22,768 And this whole church should take a good long look 530 00:23:22,868 --> 00:23:25,036 in the mirror because if you did, 531 00:23:25,103 --> 00:23:27,139 I don't think you'd like what you saw. 532 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,907 Now, if you'll excuse me. 533 00:23:28,974 --> 00:23:34,613 I'm taking my children, and we are going home. 534 00:23:37,883 --> 00:23:39,317 - Can I just get the name of the person 535 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,052 who does your roots on the jet? 536 00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:42,421 - No. - Okay. 537 00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:43,822 Well, you shouldn't even use jets. 538 00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:46,057 Even people from Texas know that. 539 00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:53,799 - I'm sorry about that, bud. 540 00:23:53,899 --> 00:23:55,967 I really wanted you to get a fashion line. 541 00:23:56,067 --> 00:23:57,502 - Well, that's okay. I don't care. 542 00:23:57,602 --> 00:24:00,505 - Oh, well, thanks. It's nice. 543 00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:03,241 I'm sorry you didn't get your thing either, Cary. 544 00:24:03,308 --> 00:24:07,913 - It's fine. I think I can actually go get 545 00:24:07,979 --> 00:24:10,482 another thing. 546 00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:14,820 Bye. 547 00:24:16,755 --> 00:24:18,523 - I need a fucking thing. 548 00:24:21,593 --> 00:24:22,861 - Holy shit. 549 00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,330 That is what sex can be? 550 00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:27,299 - I'm glad you liked it. 551 00:24:27,365 --> 00:24:30,802 - And I seemed normal and good, too? 552 00:24:32,170 --> 00:24:37,042 - Well, I don't usually give feedback, but yes. 553 00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:40,846 - So what do you do? 554 00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:43,281 - I'm a lawyer in D.C. I'm just here for work. 555 00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:45,650 - Oh. Cool. 556 00:24:45,717 --> 00:24:48,653 So we won't see each other again? 557 00:24:49,721 --> 00:24:52,057 - Oh, sorry. I just thought this was a fun thing. 558 00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:53,792 - Yeah. Yeah, no. This is--this is great. 559 00:24:53,859 --> 00:24:55,861 I've--I've been meaning to do one of these. 560 00:24:55,961 --> 00:24:58,697 I just was worried I wouldn't actually do it. 561 00:24:58,797 --> 00:25:00,866 So this is perfect. - All right. 562 00:25:00,966 --> 00:25:02,400 But hey, I have a question. 563 00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:05,303 Why does your dick look so different on Grindr? 564 00:25:06,338 --> 00:25:09,174 - Uh, yes. So--sorry. I, um-- 565 00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:11,476 - It's just so much bigger in person. 566 00:25:13,478 --> 00:25:14,980 - Uh, what? - Yeah. 567 00:25:15,046 --> 00:25:17,883 It's, like, bigger and better. 568 00:25:19,484 --> 00:25:20,919 - It is? - Yeah. 569 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:23,889 But FYI, you can't have a dick as your profile pic. 570 00:25:23,989 --> 00:25:25,991 - This is amazing. I have to call my sister. 571 00:25:26,057 --> 00:25:27,659 - What? Ew! Why? - Never mind. 572 00:25:27,726 --> 00:25:29,094 Uh, can we actually have sex again? 573 00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:31,863 Because I just got very hard, very fast. 574 00:25:31,930 --> 00:25:33,231 - Yeah, sure.