1
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We are gathered here today
to remember the life of a true hero.
2
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:18,309
A hero loved dearly
by the town of Paradise.
3
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,730
A true friend with crazy eyes,
a hair-trigger temper,
4
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and let's be honest,
5
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the cutest little ass in town, huh?
6
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We'll miss you so much...
7
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Dobby.
8
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It's been one year
9
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,783
since the poor little guy
was blown up by that nuke,
10
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,785
and his body was never even found.
11
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I'd like to welcome his parents
to say a few words.
12
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Dobby had such a good heart.
13
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I remember the time he tried to
keep Harry from going back to Hogwarts
14
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because he knew
the Chamber of Secrets had been opened.
15
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What the hell are you talking about?
16
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:52,802
Oh, I thought we were talking about
that bug-eyed troll from Harry Potter.
17
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,388
- Maggie Smith?
- Get the hell off the stage!
18
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Dobby, I... I miss you so much. [sniffs]
19
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I just appreciate all of you
who showed up today.
20
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Yes, I was told there'd be food.
21
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Why the hell isn't anyone here?
22
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Oh, they all had lame excuses,
23
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'specially Gina.
24
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She texted me something about
going in for "Brian surgery."
25
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Who the hell's Brian,
and why do I give a shit?
26
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[EKG makes flatline beep]
27
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No, No! Don't you die on me!
28
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A flatline cliffhanger?
29
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Why, that's just a "fuck you"
to the audience.
30
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Luckily, in Gina's case,
the surgery was a huge success.
31
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[huffs] That's great news!
32
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Kind of a wash for me.
I get paid either way.
33
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- [Gina groans]
- Gina! Thank God you're alive!
34
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Without that bullet affecting her brain,
35
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Gina will no longer
only be attracted to obese men.
36
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Mm. Hello, Mr. Skinny.
37
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Mm. Gimme that ween, Mr. Lean.
38
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Oh! Mm! Yeah!
39
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Oh, maybe the surgery
worked a little too well.
40
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She just needs some fine-tuning.
41
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[grunts]
42
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Now how does Kevin look?
43
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Handsome.
44
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Yeah, still broken. [grunts]
45
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I'm... fine.
46
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This is incredible.
47
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I feel normal for the first time
since I was a little girl.
48
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I can't believe
you risked your life for me.
49
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,262
I thought you might want to keep this.
50
00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,264
It's the bullet I removed from your brain.
51
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:21,891
That almost looks like...
52
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- A ring.
- A butthole!
53
00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,436
Uh, a ring. Right. Of... of course.
54
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This is a sign that I shouldn't waste
another moment of my life.
55
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Kevin Crawford, will you marry me?
56
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Yes! Yes!
57
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The vision board worked!
58
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Hurry it up, ladies. Don't forget,
this is outpatient brain surgery.
59
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I've got a tee time in...
60
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Oh! Uh, Gina, I'm pretty sure
I left my watch inside you.
61
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You left your watch inside my head?
62
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Head? I never said head.
63
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[watch alarm beeping]
64
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- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]
65
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[Fitz grunts]
66
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[Gina shouts]
67
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- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]
68
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:11,941
Thanks to the casino profits,
my Rebuild Paradise Initiative is funded,
69
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,402
and the town's restoration
is nearly complete!
70
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Thank you, degenerate gamblers!
71
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:17,821
You're welcome.
72
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,666
This town is finally
gonna get some good PR,
73
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,710
and we need to put our best foot forward.
74
00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,921
On it! Fitz, Bullet,
round up all the hobos,
75
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and get them
to the Paradise Homeless Shelter.
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Ho! [groans]
77
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Hey, uh, Chief,
78
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:45,600
can you not partner me up with Fitz today,
or, uh, or like, ever?
79
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:46,517
Why?
80
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:50,146
Oh, because you're the father of his kid,
and he doesn't know.
81
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,232
Shh... Shut up!
82
00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:54,901
Yes, I've been avoiding
that whole situation for months.
83
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:57,695
If he finds out,
he'll probably kick my ass, or kill me.
84
00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:02,283
Bullet, there's one thing that always
gets me out of any bad situation.
85
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,619
[chuckles] I just start singing
"Pump Up The Jam."
86
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:08,957
Okay, hold on. So, in order to avoid
being murdered, your advice for me
87
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:13,211
is to sing "Pump Up The Jam,"
the 1989 song by Technotronic?
88
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:17,465
I'm telling you, no one can stay angry
when they hear that new jack swing.
89
00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:20,718
What the hell are you doing with my wife?
90
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:22,804
♪ Pump up the jam! ♪
91
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:23,721
♪ Pump it up! ♪
92
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,598
♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪
93
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:29,394
Hey! Are you taking a shit
in the Bellagio fountain?
94
00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:32,855
♪ Pump up the jam! ♪
95
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:33,773
♪ Pump it up! ♪
96
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,733
♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪
97
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,360
♪ And the jam is pumpin' ♪
98
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,946
[growling]
99
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,408
♪ Pump up the jam! ♪
100
00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:44,325
♪ Pump it up! ♪
101
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,160
♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪
102
00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:48,079
♪ And the jam is pumpin' ♪
103
00:04:48,162 --> 00:04:50,415
♪ Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin' ♪
104
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:51,833
Are you fucking high?
105
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,334
You did not go back in time
106
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:56,337
and use "Pump Up The Jam"
to save the dinosaurs from extinction.
107
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:59,048
Hey, guys! Yeah!
108
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,217
Yo! Offi-Saurus!
109
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,761
What up, my naked apes?
110
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Lunch is on me today!
111
00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,057
I'm heading down to McDino's!
112
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,476
[laughs] That guy's the best!
113
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,937
Has he, uh... Has he always worked here?
114
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:16,649
Guys, um, we have an announcement to make.
115
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,152
We're engaged!
116
00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:20,069
- What?
- Really?
117
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,487
Fitz is the Kingpin?
118
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,198
Uh! That's wonderful!
119
00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:27,243
I can't wait to teach you
the Poo-poo Choo-choo song!
120
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,746
♪ Kevin's weird shits
Are your problem now! ♪
121
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,749
And I'm planning the bachelor party!
It's gonna be crazy,
122
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:36,252
just like that Tom Hanks movie
where he fucked a volleyball and got AIDS!
123
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,505
You'll have to plan it with Fitz,
'cause he's gonna be my best man.
124
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Thanks, buddy.
125
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I'd be honored to plan your crazy
Tom Hanks bachelor party.
126
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We'll go to prison and watch bees
come out of a giant black man's mouth.
127
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I'm sorry.
He... he took all the good movies.
128
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:55,438
Bullet, you and I are gonna be
spending a lot of time together.
129
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:56,647
Great.
130
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[laughs]
♪ Fitz is gonna find out your secret ♪
131
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What secret?
132
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Oh, um, uh...
133
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I, um... Well, deep down,
134
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I feel like I identify as a cat. Yeah.
135
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[Dusty] Oh, hell no!
136
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You ain't stealing my dream, you sumbitch!
137
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I'm saving up for the surgery.
I already got the scent glands put in.
138
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,878
Ah! Pungent.
139
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Hit me again, please.
140
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:23,424
Oh yeah, yeah. Congratulations, you two.
141
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That's it?
I thought you'd be more excited.
142
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Oh, I am, son. I...
143
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,763
[yawns] I'm just tired.
144
00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:31,808
I've had to start moonlighting
to cover baby expenses.
145
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,810
Uh, excuse me. Who gives a shit?
146
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,895
Why are there no doughnuts
in the break room?
147
00:06:35,978 --> 00:06:37,605
Because I didn't buy any.
148
00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:40,983
I'm embarrassed to admit this, Dusty,
but I've been buying the doughnuts
149
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:44,487
to fatten you up
ever since you started working here.
150
00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:46,906
We're very lucky
to have landed this new recruit.
151
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:49,867
He's a Navy SEAL
and was the top in his class.
152
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,537
Everyone, say hello to Dusty Marlowe.
153
00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:55,873
Proud to be a part of the team.
154
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,418
- Have a doughnut, Skinny.
- Oh, I don't touch sugar.
155
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,671
You see, obesity runs in my family.
156
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I wasn't asking.
157
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,758
I suppose one couldn't hurt.
158
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:11,347
Mm. Oh my God, these are incredible!
159
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,349
[chomping] Goop!
160
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,727
Dusty, I was a monster
when I had a bullet in my brain,
161
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,271
and I'm so sorry.
162
00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:21,566
As a friend, I really hope you join a gym
and lose some weight.
163
00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,276
You think I need to lose weight?
164
00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:28,656
Oh! Maybe you're right. I mean,
I do have front titties, back titties,
165
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:30,032
and little titty titties.
166
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:34,871
Yes, it's an exciting day and all,
but there's still work to do.
167
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,832
Ah, boy. Gina, this scumbag ain't talking.
168
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:40,918
Will you introduce this plunger
to his turd cutter till he does?
169
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:44,797
It's weird, but I don't want to
plunge his turd cutter.
170
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,425
When they took the bullet out,
I think my anger went with it.
171
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:49,051
Ah, great.
172
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:52,346
The only reason I broke the law
was to have Gina wreck my turd cutter.
173
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,723
Fuck my life!
174
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,267
Now I'm just some asshole
who killed my family for nothing.
175
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:59,812
This is all your fault, Kevin!
From the minute you started dating Gina,
176
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:03,274
I knew you would turn her into
a beta pussy just like you.
177
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,818
So that's why you weren't excited
about the engagement.
178
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,779
I should've known you're too selfish
to be happy for your own son.
179
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:12,116
You're the one that's selfish!
You ruined my best cop!
180
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,409
Newsflash, Kevin!
181
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,370
Women shouldn't need a lobotomy
to want to fuck you!
182
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,874
You know what? You've been
an asshole to me my entire life.
183
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:22,168
Fuck you! I don't want you at my wedding!
184
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:23,961
Oh, what a bummer for me.
185
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:27,673
I was really looking forward to seeing you
in that dress, you little bitch.
186
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:32,887
Wow, that argument
was bigger than my dinosaur balls!
187
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,597
Which are humongous!
188
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,516
Offi-Saurus!
189
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:37,934
You all know him?
190
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,144
They know I like to flip it and dip it.
191
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,646
Oh yeah, he does!
192
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:45,733
Huh. And he has his own catchphrase?
I'm losing it, man!
193
00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:49,862
[screaming]
194
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,030
[thumps]
195
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,157
- How'd I do, Chief?
- Good, Hopson.
196
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,618
If this doesn't get him off drugs,
nothing will.
197
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,290
[groans] I can't believe my asshole dad.
198
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,125
You stop thinking about him.
199
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,836
I know what'll make you feel better.
200
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:06,963
Gina, I love you,
201
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:10,007
and I think we should wait
until we're married.
202
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,051
- Why?
- Because I don't want you to back out
203
00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,970
after two sad pumps from my tiny wiener.
204
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:17,390
Oh, you're so thoughtful.
Of course, we can wait.
205
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:20,560
But not too long. I was thinking,
for the sake of my purple throbbing balls,
206
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:21,936
we get married, like, tomorrow?
207
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,312
I think that's a great idea.
208
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,356
I wish we could stay in
this moment forever.
209
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:28,568
Let's make a deal. We're gonna stay
right here for the rest of the day
210
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,820
in each other's arms.
We are not gonna move,
211
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,363
no matter what happens.
212
00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:33,864
Deal. I came.
213
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:35,741
[snoring]
214
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:38,327
[knocking on door]
215
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,497
Junior. You remember Bullet.
216
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,458
Daddy.
217
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,627
That's right. Doggy.
218
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:50,339
- What are you guys watching?
- My favorite movie, Superman II.
219
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,008
Superman II?
220
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,176
That's the dumbest movie ever made!
221
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:57,888
Hackneyed script,
static direction, culturally tone-deaf,
222
00:09:57,972 --> 00:10:00,683
and a seeming disgust
for the notion of subtlety.
223
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,268
Well, what's your favorite movie?
224
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:03,936
Ernest Goes To Africa. 'Course.
225
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,187
Uh, say what?
226
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:07,315
Oh, here's the best part!
227
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:11,819
See, they think
they're taking Superman's powers,
228
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:14,655
but he reversed that shit
and took their powers.
229
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,158
He flipped it and dipped it!
230
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,201
Why is he here?
231
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,120
Mainly for your sobriety.
232
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:24,457
Okay, we've got several months
to plan the perfect bachelor party.
233
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:25,540
[phone chimes]
234
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,378
Oh shit, they're getting married tomorrow,
so we gotta do the party tonight.
235
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,296
Oh no!
236
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,547
Bullet, you watch Junior.
237
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,549
Me and Offi-Saurus
will get beer and strippers.
238
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:37,637
Wait, but I don't know how to babysit!
Why not let Offi-Saurus watch your kid?
239
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,347
'Cause I'm a pervert.
240
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:45,478
[laughs awkwardly] Uh, okay.
It's uh, just the two of us here.
241
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:50,441
Oh, you are a cute little sucker.
Let's put on a real movie.
242
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:52,401
Hey, Vern. We're in Africa.
243
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,237
Don't worry now, Vern.
I know how to talk to these people.
244
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,239
Hey, homies. What's happening?
245
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,075
What it is, bro.
246
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,661
- [laughs]
- You got good taste in comedy, kid.
247
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,205
Just do me a favor
and stop scratching the furniture
248
00:11:04,288 --> 00:11:06,123
before Fitz figures out you're a dog.
249
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:09,418
Fitz's couch is more scuffed-up
than Ron Perlman's knuckles.
250
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:13,339
See? This what Ron Perlman talking about.
251
00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:17,426
Stupid show always make fun of me,
unga bunga.
252
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,679
So, you're saying you want
your own comedy special?
253
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:23,683
[grunts] That not what Perlman saying.
254
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,267
Well, you're getting one anyway.
255
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,936
Time have change.
256
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:30,731
Why you can hit on woman in club,
257
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:34,318
but not hit woman with club?
258
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,862
Can I get the "unga bunga"?
259
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:40,616
What? What? What?
260
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,119
- What?
- We got a big problem, that's what.
261
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,370
That was the FBI.
262
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:48,999
They said a Paradise citizen joined ISIS
on an extremist Internet message board.
263
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:52,378
I don't know nothing about that,
but I did join an online gym.
264
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:56,340
They got cool workout videos
where they're swinging on the monkey bars
265
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,217
and wearing cool black pajamas
266
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:01,303
and screaming about Admiral Ackbar!
[screams]
267
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,347
Dusty, you fucking joined ISIS!
268
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:06,308
ISIS? No, I told you I joined a gym.
269
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,894
And what's the name of this gym?
270
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:10,104
Is Is.
271
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:13,107
They so friendly,
they asked to come to America
272
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:15,234
and have a "sleepover cell"
in my apartment.
273
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,279
They even gave me this cool
weighted exercise vest.
274
00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:20,781
It even counts down your workouts, see?
275
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:23,033
Three, two, one...
276
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,243
[screams]
277
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,664
Oh shit. I joined ISIS.
278
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,833
Okay, I better cancel my membership.
279
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,919
Oh, no, you don't.
We're taking these pricks down.
280
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,839
You hang out with your ISIS pals
and find out what they're planning.
281
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,967
Never have I ever...
282
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
planned to blow up the Paradise bank.
283
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,473
Nobody, huh? Okay, none of y'all?
284
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,350
Enough of this silly game.
Tell us a ghost story.
285
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,434
All right.
286
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,689
[whispering] When Ahmad got to Paradise,
287
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,734
he was given 72 virgins,
288
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:57,818
but...
289
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,320
[gasps]
290
00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:01,322
...they were all...
291
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,241
Jewish!
292
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:05,868
[all scream]
293
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,162
Turn the lights back on! It's so scary!
294
00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:11,957
Bullet?
295
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,459
What happened?
296
00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:17,296
[groans] A bunch of mutants
kicked in the door and knocked me out.
297
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:18,631
Where's Junior?
298
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,384
"Come to the mutant ghetto tonight,
299
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:26,722
or you'll never see
your bing-bong baby boy again."
300
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,558
[dramatic music playing]
301
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,646
Got one for me?
302
00:13:34,688 --> 00:13:36,106
It's gonna be dangerous.
303
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,275
Nobody fucks with that kid.
304
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:49,411
And now,
Comedians In Caves Getting Concussions.
305
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:53,541
So, Jim Gaffigan, what is fire?
306
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:54,458
Well...
307
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,044
[screaming]
308
00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:01,006
Thank you for watching.
309
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,091
[grunts]
310
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:03,174
Unga bunga.
311
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:06,554
[upbeat music playing]
312
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:12,518
Where the hell are Bullet and Fitz?
This is the shittiest bachelor party ever.
313
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:15,187
We can still have a good time, Kevin.
314
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,939
I ordered us a stripper.
315
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,274
[knocking on door]
316
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:20,442
[man] Yoo-hoo!
317
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,695
I heard some hungry, dirty boy
318
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:26,448
ordered the all-you-can-eat
melons and sausage platter.
319
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:27,532
Kevin?
320
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,910
I'm ready to be stuffed, Summer Sausage.
321
00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:31,745
Dad! What the hell?
322
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,455
What do you mean, "What the hell?"
323
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,000
I told you I was moonlighting
for baby money.
324
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,128
I don't care.
I don't want to see you. Get out!
325
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,839
Hey, you booked me,
so I'm not leaving without my money.
326
00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:44,341
That'll be $26, asshole.
327
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,385
This $26 is for a show,
328
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:48,345
and I didn't see any show.
329
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,930
Oh, you wanna see a show?
330
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:53,517
[dance music playing]
331
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:04,778
- [screams]
- Oh! I had a dream just like this.
332
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,161
[grunts, screams]
333
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:15,289
Yeah, there's your show.
How's that for a show?
334
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:19,585
Ooh, Kevin,
can you get married every week, please?
335
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,087
[ominous music plays]
336
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,590
Ooh, Mr. Popular down here, huh?
337
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:26,759
Where the hell are all the mutants?
338
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,427
[dog whimpering]
339
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:29,970
[barking]
340
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,848
There's Junior!
341
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,018
[grunts]
342
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,646
Get down! I'll get you out.
343
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,022
[clicking]
344
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:41,941
You gave me an empty gun?
345
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:43,108
You're a damn dog!
346
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,986
[mutants groaning]
347
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:53,786
Who are you?
348
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:55,496
You may know me as...
349
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,540
Loquacious Pussyjuice.
350
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:02,628
- [gasps]
- Or your new partner, Officer Kloppers.
351
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,296
- [screams]
- Or...
352
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:08,133
Pepe Cabana, the Brazilian fuck-boy.
353
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,428
Yeah, that one ain't ringing a bell.
354
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:15,391
Remember? Pepe Cabana jumped out of a bush
and screamed, "Hachi-mama-boom-boom"
355
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:16,892
and threw acid in your face?
356
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,645
No, I think I'd remember that.
357
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,147
Well, shit, I owe someone an apology.
358
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:27,152
Anyway, my real name is Agent Clappers.
I'm the man you turned into a mutant,
359
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:30,698
and I'm about to get my ultimate revenge
by doing the same thing to you.
360
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,492
I call the machine you're inside
the Mutifier,
361
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:37,079
and it will turn you into a mutant
just like us.
362
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,164
[grunts]
363
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,084
- [growling]
- Ah, shit! You little motherfucker!
364
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:44,920
Junior, run!
365
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,338
[whimpering]
366
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,261
You love that bing-bong baby boy, huh?
367
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:55,097
Well, let me drop some knowledge
on you real quick.
368
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,890
Your friend Bullet...
369
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,809
is his real father.
370
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,936
What? This can't be!
371
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,439
[sobbing] No!
372
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,691
Fitz, I'm so sorry. I should have...
373
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:11,280
Clappers, I've got one last request
before you mutate me.
374
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:17,536
Put that lying piece of shit dog
in here with me.
375
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,455
[grunts, screams]
376
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,624
Uh, hold on. Wait a minute!
I got a last request too.
377
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,001
Uh, let me out.
378
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,335
Okay, seems fair.
379
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,880
Wait, I could've said that?
380
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,631
No, we're both staying in.
381
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,091
Well, doggy, I tried.
382
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,763
So are you gonna change or...
383
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,222
Hachi-mama-boom-boom!
384
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:40,601
We're just gonna yell that again?
No, that's perfect. That's great.
385
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:47,399
I can't believe
you dragged me to this, Karen.
386
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:49,151
Kevin doesn't even want me here.
387
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:51,070
I don't care
if you and Kevin are fighting.
388
00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:54,239
He's still your son,
and you are not missing his wedding.
389
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,843
Yeah, well, they better make it quick.
390
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,327
I got German webcam clients
who paid good money
391
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,538
to watch Summer Sausage
squat down and fart on a birthday cake.
392
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:06,168
Damn it. I told that selfish asshole
I didn't want him here.
393
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:09,379
Cheer up.
I hear you're getting laid tonight.
394
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,297
Oh no.
395
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,924
Is Coach Russo out of prison?
396
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:16,303
No. I mean us, Kevin.
That's what today's supposed to be about.
397
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:19,848
Sorry, I'm so distracted.
My dad's out there ruining everything.
398
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,893
Well, let's elope.
Screw all those people out there.
399
00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:23,976
Yeah.
400
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:25,938
Fuck you people!
401
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,983
What the hell was that about?
402
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:33,779
Oh, it's them goddamn
Jewish wedding traditions.
403
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,867
Do you mind?
Some people actually work for a living.
404
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,912
Well, hurry it up.
I paid good money to eat that cake.
405
00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:43,622
[sinister music plays]
406
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,668
Fitz, I... I really am sorry.
407
00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:49,002
Just shut up, okay?
408
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:53,590
The moment is here, Gerald Fitzgerald.
Prepare to be mutified.
409
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,137
[electric whirring]
410
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,723
[all screaming]
411
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,767
He Superman II-ed that shit!
412
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,603
Fitz! You flipped it and dipped it? How?
413
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,689
I did it the same way Superman did,
414
00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:11,024
off camera and without much explanation.
415
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,527
You told Clappers to put me in here
to save me,
416
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,946
even after he told you
I was your kid's father?
417
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:17,406
You think I'm an idiot?
418
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,200
I knew Junior was yours
the second I saw him.
419
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:24,163
That was also the exact moment
I knew he would be my son, no matter what.
420
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,330
So you're not mad?
421
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,457
Oh, how could I stay mad at you?
422
00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:29,334
You're my baby-daddy.
423
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:31,962
- [electric hum]
- [both gasp]
424
00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:33,630
- [electric hum]
- [both gasp]
425
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:38,426
[bell rings]
426
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:40,971
[electric whirring]
427
00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:44,808
[sigh] Fitzgerald,
since my testicles have been restored,
428
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,768
well, I'm willing to forgive and forget.
429
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,605
Now, I can get my family back.
430
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,690
[melancholy music playing]
431
00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:59,656
["Carol of the Bells"
by Trans Siberian Orchestra]
432
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:00,740
[sci-fi laser sound]
433
00:20:08,081 --> 00:20:08,916
[bell rings]
434
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,918
[music intensifies]
435
00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:17,132
[bells ringing]
436
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:21,761
[barking]
437
00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:24,138
[dog whimpers]
438
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:27,142
God bless us, every one.
439
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,611
[sighs] Where the hell are they?
440
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:39,363
Chief! Chief! [huffs]
441
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:42,658
Chief, I finally found out
what ISIS is planning.
442
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:46,078
- They're gonna blow up a building.
- Great, Dusty. Which one?
443
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,330
- This one.
- Oh shit. When?
444
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:51,291
Hmm, let me check the clock they gave me.
445
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:53,001
Two minutes.
446
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:56,213
Sorry. We was playing truth or dare,
and now I regret picking dare.
447
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:57,755
[all gasp]
448
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,097
Hey, Ahmad.
449
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:06,431
Hey!
450
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,724
That's my friend.
451
00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:13,480
Do you, Gina Jabowski,
take Kevin Crawford to be your husband?
452
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:14,398
I do.
453
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:18,360
And do you, Kevin Crawford,
take Gina Jabowski to be your wife?
454
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,279
- I d...
- [phone rings]
455
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:21,989
Sorry, I better take it.
456
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:24,408
This is the first time
anyone's ever called me.
457
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:26,660
Kevin, ISIS is here!
They're gonna blow us to Hell!
458
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:29,871
- [phone beep]
- Oh my God! We've gotta help them!
459
00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,957
[dramatic music playing]
460
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:36,628
Dusty, what the hell are you doing?
461
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,171
I'm stress eating,
462
00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:41,883
and all I can find is this gray fudge
stuffed into my vest pocket.
463
00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:43,802
That's C-4, you idiot!
464
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:45,804
Well, C-4 fudge tastes like shit.
465
00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:48,932
And this cake tastes like farts,
and worth every penny.
466
00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:51,184
Randall, if we have to die,
467
00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:53,729
at least we can hold each other
in our last breath.
468
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:58,108
No, sweetie, that'd be gay.
If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die fighting.
469
00:21:58,191 --> 00:22:00,068
[screams] Oh shit! Fuck!
470
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,279
Aha!
471
00:22:02,362 --> 00:22:03,780
Ron Perlman?
472
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:04,990
That right.
473
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:11,038
Ron Perlman sick of being
butt of Paradise PD joke.
474
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,664
So you're a member of ISIS?
475
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:15,000
Yes, but different ISIS.
476
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,544
Not make Jew go boom-boom ISIS.
477
00:22:17,627 --> 00:22:19,463
This ISIS stand for...
478
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:25,761
International Society
of Insulted "Selebrities."
479
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:28,388
Yeah, but celebrity starts with a C.
480
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:32,225
No, Ron Perlman pretty sure
it start with S,
481
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:35,270
like "celery" or "pterodactyl."
482
00:22:35,979 --> 00:22:38,607
[dramatic music playing]
483
00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:48,575
We're all celebrities
your stupid show has made fun of.
484
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:52,204
Y'all said I did weird sex stuff
on my blimp.
485
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:53,789
That's a damn lie.
486
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:58,585
I did weird sex stuff
on Jeffrey Epstein's blimp. A pew-pew.
487
00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:01,463
And I'm not a turtle.
488
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:03,548
I'm a tortoise.
489
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:06,635
You said I dress like a hobo
and drink cologne.
490
00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:08,053
I'm just here to say
491
00:23:08,136 --> 00:23:09,136
you nailed it.
492
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,688
We'll never be able
to fight our way in there.
493
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:19,856
We can't,
494
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:21,566
but the old Gina can.
495
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:23,110
What are you saying?
496
00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:26,822
You need to put a bullet in my brain.
497
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:28,573
No. No, it's too risky.
498
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:31,910
And... and even if it works,
it means we can't be together.
499
00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:34,287
Kevin, I wanna be with you
more than anything,
500
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:36,456
but our friends and families
are about to die,
501
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:38,750
and she's the only one who can save them.
502
00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:42,712
[sad music playing]
503
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,137
[cocks gun]
504
00:23:52,472 --> 00:23:53,598
I love you, Gina.
505
00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:56,893
[gun fires]
506
00:23:58,478 --> 00:24:00,439
[screaming]
507
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:01,857
[growls]
508
00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:03,316
[yells]
509
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,197
[screams]
510
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:10,824
[grunts]
511
00:24:12,325 --> 00:24:13,326
[ISIS member grunts]
512
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:19,458
[yells]
513
00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:20,584
[growls]
514
00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:25,881
[unintelligible mumbling]
515
00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:27,715
[growls]
516
00:24:28,425 --> 00:24:30,093
[screams]
517
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:32,678
[growls]
518
00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:36,141
["Wedding March" playing]
519
00:24:36,224 --> 00:24:37,225
- [Gina screams]
- Uuga!
520
00:24:39,352 --> 00:24:40,352
[grunts]
521
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:46,193
[all scream]
522
00:24:48,111 --> 00:24:49,111
[grunts]
523
00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:52,240
[video game dings]
524
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:55,160
Holy shit! She's like Gina times ten!
525
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:56,995
It's great to have you back, Gina!
526
00:24:57,078 --> 00:24:59,122
[grunts, chokes]
527
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,124
Fuck that! I was happy.
528
00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:02,250
Gina, stop!
529
00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:04,377
- [growling]
- You're gonna kill him!
530
00:25:04,461 --> 00:25:05,462
[chokes]
531
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:07,214
- [Gina growling]
- Ah!
532
00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:09,799
- [choking]
- [Gina gasps]
533
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:11,843
Oh! Oh my...
534
00:25:11,927 --> 00:25:14,888
- [gasping] Oh no!
- Gina!
535
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:17,098
We still got a problem.
536
00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:20,393
This thing's about to blow up
in three, two, one...
537
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:23,772
Dusty, you saved us!
538
00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:27,234
You ate all the C-4, you fat little hero!
539
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:29,694
Bomb squad, detonate this fat little hero.
540
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:33,323
Gina, answer your phone.
We can work this out.
541
00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,951
Son, it's no use. Gina's gone full beast,
542
00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:38,245
like the kind Ron Perlman
rides to the grocery store.
543
00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:39,454
[growls]
544
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:43,124
Still better than half the shit
on Adult Swim.
545
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:45,794
Can I get the "unga bunga"?
546
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:49,381
Any update on Gina?
547
00:25:49,464 --> 00:25:51,883
Still missing.
I don't know if she'll ever come home.
548
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:55,720
♪ Good morning, everybody! ♪
549
00:25:55,804 --> 00:25:57,264
- Hey, y'all.
- Dusty?
550
00:25:57,347 --> 00:25:59,516
- How the hell are you still alive?
- Easy!
551
00:25:59,599 --> 00:26:04,229
Before the bomb squad could detonate me,
I defused the situation myself
552
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:07,899
by taking a big ol' C-4 fudge dump
in the casino bathroom.
553
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,824
What the hell is happening to Twatemala?
554
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:17,909
[suspenseful music playing]
555
00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:26,626
Dobby! Dobby!
556
00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:30,505
I hereby declare Paradise
officially rebuilt!
557
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:32,132
[all cheering]
558
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,136
[roars]
559
00:26:36,219 --> 00:26:37,637
Oh, fuck that!
560
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,641
[screaming]
561
00:26:43,977 --> 00:26:45,270
[screaming]
562
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:47,897
Dobby, you're alive!
563
00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:49,774
And a giant monster!
564
00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:53,486
The nuclear blast must have mutated him.
He's gonna destroy the town!
565
00:26:55,655 --> 00:26:58,325
That twatsucker
just smashed Goopy Goobers!
566
00:26:58,408 --> 00:26:59,326
What a dick!
567
00:26:59,409 --> 00:27:00,827
Tell me about it!
568
00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:02,412
Wee!
569
00:27:03,079 --> 00:27:04,789
Dobby!
570
00:27:05,582 --> 00:27:07,500
Randall! My water just broke!
571
00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:09,794
And we're still out of doughnuts!
572
00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:11,796
Randall, do something!
573
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,632
Don't worry. I got this.
574
00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:18,428
Dobby!
575
00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:22,098
[inhales]
576
00:27:22,182 --> 00:27:23,558
♪ Pump up the jam! ♪
577
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:24,476
♪ Pump it up! ♪
578
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:26,394
♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪
579
00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:28,104
♪ And the jam is pumpin' ♪
580
00:27:28,188 --> 00:27:30,357
♪ Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'! ♪
581
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,361
♪ Pump it up a little more
Get the party going on the dance floor! ♪
582
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:38,156
♪ See, 'cause that's where the party's at
And you'll find out if you're too bad ♪
583
00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:41,868
Oh, great, you made him dance, yeah,
and that's solved absolutely nothing.
584
00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:46,122
♪ I don't want a place to stay ♪
585
00:27:46,206 --> 00:27:50,377
♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight
Make my day ♪
586
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:53,880
♪ I don't want a place to stay ♪
587
00:27:53,963 --> 00:27:57,550
♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight
Make my day ♪
588
00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:58,551
[both scream]
589
00:27:58,635 --> 00:27:59,969
♪ Make my day ♪
590
00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:03,723
- ♪ Make my day ♪
- [screaming]
591
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:06,976
Ho ho, we did it, Dusty!
592
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:09,312
Chief, Hopson is dead!
593
00:28:09,396 --> 00:28:11,272
[chuckles] I know! High five!
594
00:28:12,065 --> 00:28:15,235
I just got the town rebuilt,
and it's destroyed again!
595
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:19,406
And the only police work you did
was sing "Pump Up The Jam"?
596
00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:20,407
You know what?
597
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:23,618
You're fired!
And so are the rest of your idiot cops!
598
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:25,829
Karen, I got a better idea.
599
00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:28,957
A smarter idea, an awesome idea!
600
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,584
It better not involve "Pump Up The Jam."
601
00:28:32,293 --> 00:28:33,293
Fuck.
602
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,423
[Paradise PD theme playing]