1 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,012 [sleigh-bell music] 2 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,057 Santa, can you tell my dad to come home for Christmas? 3 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,643 Can you tell your mom to stop blowing the line cook 4 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,145 at the waffle house? Now, stop bothering Daddy at work. 5 00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,605 Okay, who's next? 6 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:24,233 - [Santa groaning] - Merry Christmas, Santy Claus! 7 00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:26,068 I know you ain't the real Santy, 8 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,862 but you report to the real Santy! 9 00:00:28,946 --> 00:00:30,405 What do you want for Christmas? 10 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,783 For the love of fuck, tell me lap band surgery. 11 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,036 No! Ever since I was a child, I only wanted one thing. 12 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:39,957 An electric blue, old gauge Chuggy Chuggy, Chattanooga Choo Choo, 13 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,625 but he's never brought me my train. 14 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,544 I'm good every year. 15 00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:46,213 I never cuss and I never touch my privates, 16 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,548 not even to make water! 17 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,383 So why don't Santa ever visit? 18 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,509 Don't know. 19 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,970 Losing consciousness. 20 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:56,390 Well, I ain't movin' till I get me some gosh-darn fart-flippin' answers. 21 00:00:56,515 --> 00:01:00,394 I don't know. Maybe this town needs more Christmas spirit? 22 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:03,730 Oh, that's it! I'm gonna bring so much Christmas spirit 23 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:06,692 to this town that Santa will surely bring me my train! 24 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,819 [excited giggling] 25 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:11,572 Excuse me. My little girl is waiting. 26 00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:14,116 - Sorry, ma'am. - Oh, thank God. 27 00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:15,993 - [beeping] - Oh, what?! 28 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:21,331 Santa, I want a pony. My last one hung itself. 29 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:40,142 Fitz, I can't believe that a Paradise cop is the argyle meth Kingpin. 30 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,894 I can't trust anyone. Thanks for letting me set up my crime lab here. 31 00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:45,188 Now, where are those thumbtacks? 32 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:48,817 Thanks, Fitz. 33 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:54,698 It could be any of them. Well, I'm 90% certain that it's not me. 34 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,410 And you can't run an empire if you're half-dead and pissing through a tube. 35 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:01,455 Unless you're Rupert Murdoch. I better get back to work. 36 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:05,709 Why isn't this printer working? Oh, it's unplugged. 37 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,961 I'll just borrow this plug for a second. 38 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,047 [frantic beeping] 39 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,633 [continuous beep] 40 00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,969 [rhythmic beeping] 41 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,306 Oh, man. My iPod Touch is dead. 42 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:21,183 [continuous beep] 43 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:27,022 [Dusty hums "Deck the Halls"] 44 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,112 Dusty! Why the hell does my police station 45 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,865 look like Oriental Trading Company took a shit in here? 46 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,533 Calm down, Chief. 47 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:41,036 A little Christmas spirit ain't never hurt nobody. 48 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,579 [snoring] 49 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,247 [yelling] 50 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,958 Last time I felt a surge like that 51 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,670 was when Nikola Tesla gave me the Shocker. 52 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:53,048 Two in the B hole, one in the pee hole. 53 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,092 What in the hell is all this commotion, 54 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,136 - so early in the goddamn morning? - Bullet, it's 3 p.m. 55 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:00,097 Oh shit, I almost missed breakfast. 56 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,314 I'm raising Christmas spirit 57 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:12,651 so Santy will finally bring me my Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo. 58 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,028 You ever consider that maybe your parents just told you 59 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:18,031 Santa didn't bring you that train because they're poor white trash scumbags? 60 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,866 If my parents are so poor, 61 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,369 then how come every year they can afford to give me 62 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,371 these fun rubber finger puppets, hmm? 63 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,498 [comedy voice] Hello, Bullet. 64 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:30,585 Dusty, all I want for Christmas is a kiss on the lips under the mistletoe. 65 00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:34,047 Imma tell you what. You help me get this town in the Christmas spirit, 66 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:37,008 I'll tear up your restraining order and give you that smoochie. 67 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:40,512 Yes! Just want to make sure my workplace harassment attorney heard that. 68 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,348 I did. And oral contracts are binding in court. 69 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:47,102 Hansy Grabavitz Esquire, from the law offices of Goosem and Gropem. 70 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,688 [humming Christmas tune] 71 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:50,605 Argh! 72 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,733 Oh, god damn it, Dusty, you fluffy fat fuck! 73 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,860 Oh, calm down, Bullet! It's just a doghouse. 74 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:56,486 My girlfriend was still in there 75 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,947 and she just told me she was pregnant, so I'm feeling... 76 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,908 kinda off the hook, but I'm still pissed about the doghouse. 77 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,952 I'm gonna tell that man-baby there is no Santa. 78 00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:06,079 You will not! That would crush Dusty! 79 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:08,665 Sorry to use that word with the recent death of your girlfriend. 80 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:09,666 Nah, I've moved on. 81 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:14,755 Randall, these last few weeks with you have been perfect. 82 00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:18,133 Just hope our idiot son doesn't screw it up like he screws up everything. 83 00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:20,427 In fact, I think I'm going to yell at him preemptively. 84 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,388 First, how about you give me a little tongue lashing? 85 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:26,933 Oh, Karen, I did that for two hours last night. 86 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,186 I was talking like Michael Strahan all morning. 87 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,189 - Uh, don't you think it's my turn? - Okay, fine. 88 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,191 Hey, could you pretend to play with my balls? 89 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,942 You know, like that mime we saw juggling. 90 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:39,029 So do you want an actual blowjob or a mime blowjob? 91 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,615 - Either one requires less talking. - [phone vibrates] 92 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,075 - Oops. Got a meeting. - That's cool. I've finished. 93 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,036 Hi, Mom. 94 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:50,165 That's a weird-tasting lip gloss. Is it asparagus? 95 00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:51,833 Kevin, what do you want? 96 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:55,712 Brace yourself, Dad, but I finally found the identity of the argyle meth Kingpin. 97 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,589 It's a Paradise PD cop! 98 00:04:57,672 --> 00:05:00,091 Kevin, there is no way it's one of my cops. 99 00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,927 I don't have time for this nonsense. 100 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,930 If you don't stop meddling in this, I'm gonna throw your ass in jail! 101 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,974 Dad, I've never actually asked you this, but... 102 00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,811 where were you the night Terry Two Toes was murdered? 103 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,896 I won't dignify that with an answer! 104 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,732 Get the hell out of my office! And don't ever ask me that again! 105 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,860 And for Christ's sake, clean your lips up. No! Don't lick 'em. 106 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:22,989 You're being crazy, Kevin. Dad isn't capable of murder. 107 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:25,200 But who in the department is? 108 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,041 Thanks for letting me crash at your place tonight. 109 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:35,877 The hospital says it's weird for me to continue sleeping 110 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,712 in a bed with a grown man in a coma. 111 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,548 [mocking laughter] You frickin' weirdo! 112 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,260 Ooh! I'm about to hit the sack. 113 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:46,388 I don't own blankets, but this is pretty much a sleeping bag. 114 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:48,598 - For dead bodies. - Yeah, I'm good. 115 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:52,394 Okay, just make yourself at home. What's mine is yours. 116 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:53,979 Except for that door! 117 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,106 Do not go near that fucking door! 118 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:59,317 Okay, nighty night, Kevin. Sweet dreams. 119 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:03,613 [snoring] 120 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,783 Bring that... big fat ass over here. 121 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,285 [grunting] 122 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:12,330 I'm going to have to find something to bash this door open. 123 00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:16,376 [groaning with effort] 124 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,390 Oh, my God, it is Gina! 125 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:34,185 She must use these to monitor her argyle meth operations all over town. 126 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:38,815 Wait a minute. All these cameras are in Dusty's apartment. 127 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:42,027 Let's see what Dusty was up to the night of Terry's murder. 128 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,946 - Here it is.. - Well, time for my bath. 129 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,698 [meowing] 130 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:48,658 [retching] 131 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,703 Well, I guess that clears Dusty, but not Gina. 132 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:55,373 Oh, cheese and potatoes, Mr. Friskers, you're gettin' big. Hey! 133 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,251 Don't lick me there. That's where I make mush! 134 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,963 No leads on the Kingpin. 135 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:05,008 But I found out why Gina was talking like Michael Strahan that day. 136 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:06,801 Hopson, what are you doing here? 137 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,471 I like you, Kevin. I always have. 138 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,516 So I'm only going to say this once. 139 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,061 Stop looking into what happened that night. 140 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,812 Hopson, are you threatening me? 141 00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:19,481 Now I am. 142 00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:22,901 Clear the room! This woman's got the biggest parasite we've ever seen! 143 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,486 Really? How did this happen? 144 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,947 Well, I'm no doctor, but if I had to guess, 145 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:29,658 it would be from licking a fat guy where he makes mush. 146 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,912 Santy, I understand why you never visit. 147 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:37,082 Our town's naughty. It's not nice. 148 00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:40,210 It'll take a ton of Christmas spirit 149 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:45,173 to bring you to this white trash dump called Paradise. 150 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,426 ♪ Everyone must get some festive Christmas cheer ♪ 151 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:52,764 ♪ 'Cause I want Santa to bring my train this year ♪ 152 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,100 ♪ Put some green elf shoes ♪ 153 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,518 ♪ Onto Hasidic Jews ♪ 154 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,478 ♪ I stick a Rudolph nose ♪ 155 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,355 ♪ On all these strung-out hos Ho, ho, ho ♪ 156 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,525 ♪ Here's a festive wreath You meth-head with two teeth ♪ 157 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,695 ♪ Ice skates and snow skis for quadruple amputees ♪ 158 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:10,281 ♪ Creepy man, Ku Klux Klan Afghanistanian ♪ 159 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,702 ♪ St. Nick's gonna blow his load for my Christmas plan ♪ 160 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:17,038 ♪ Everyone must get some festive Christmas cheer ♪ 161 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:24,004 ♪ 'Cause I want Santa Claus to pull a train on me this year! ♪ 162 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,172 [angry yelling and jeering] 163 00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:35,140 I need to keep my eyes on Hopson 24/7. 164 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,767 Right now, he's at the PD Christmas party, 165 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,602 but I quit, so I can't go. 166 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,564 Unless... I'm someone's plus one. 167 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,818 Thanks for taking me to this, Fitz. Don't worry, the hospital won't miss you. 168 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,445 You know, Fitz, I've never noticed this, 169 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,280 but you look a lot like my first girlfriend, 170 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,489 brown-colored fuck doll. 171 00:08:54,743 --> 00:09:00,874 [drunkenly] I love this man right here! I love him! I love him! I love him! 172 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:02,333 [coughing] 173 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,502 Wow, things seem to be going well with you and Mom. 174 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:07,964 - Oh, they are, so far. - Why do you seem so stressed out? 175 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,800 - You should be happy. - I just got a lot on my mind, okay? 176 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:14,012 Side note, I don't think Fitz is in any shape to be here. 177 00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,930 Are you kidding? He's having a great time! 178 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,099 That's right. Swallow that Christmas spirit! 179 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,852 Take it all! Look in my eyes while you do it. 180 00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,689 What're you doing here, drinking alone? 181 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,900 I hate Christmas, all right? 182 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,359 Nobody hates Christmas. 183 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,779 Yeah, well, most people aren't ripped away from their family, 184 00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:33,406 shoved in a box and given as a Christmas gift, like property. 185 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,658 Bullet, I had no idea. 186 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,203 By the way, you don't care about Christmas either, all right? 187 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:41,206 All you want is your little kiss on the lips under the mistletoe. 188 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,458 It's pathetic how excited you are about that. 189 00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,335 I didn't specify what lips. 190 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,129 You're a monster, Gina. 191 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:50,465 A monster who's within her legal rights. 192 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,888 [Karen humming drunkenly] 193 00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,766 ♪ Conga with a black guy... ♪ 194 00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,893 Where's Hopson? I've got to find him. 195 00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:04,145 Fitz, you've gotta drive yourself back to the hospital. 196 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,192 What are you up to, Hopson? 197 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,402 Looks like you're... selling drugs! 198 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,281 I know what's going on here. 199 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,534 - Tell me where it's going down. - In there. 200 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,540 Guess they pass the drugs through this hole! 201 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,750 I'm here. Now give me the goods. 202 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:29,295 I gave you the money! Give it to me! 203 00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:30,547 Give me the... 204 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:39,389 All right! That little stunt you pulled was very close to crossing the line. 205 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:43,101 Why are you threatening me? Why are you trying to stop my investigation? 206 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,186 Because I'm protecting someone. 207 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,605 - Who? Who? - Your father! 208 00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:50,191 My dad is the argyle meth Kingpin? 209 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,277 I'm not answering any more questions. 210 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,571 Unless you ask me through the hole. 211 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,865 - What the hell is that? - It's my invention. 212 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,700 The mobile glory-hole. 213 00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,910 Mark Cuban said he loved it! 214 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,955 - On Shark Tank? - No, behind the Kmart dumpster. 215 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,252 Terry Two Toes was shot September 25th at 10:30 p.m. 216 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:13,423 That night Dad stood up Mom for their date because he ran out of testosterone patches 217 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,842 and grew the most perfect set of breasts I've ever seen. 218 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:19,429 He stormed out of the house at 9 p.m. for some mysterious reason. 219 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,349 - Let me feel them! Come on, Dad. - Stop it! 220 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:24,267 No means no! 221 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,519 I remember waking up the next morning 222 00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,771 and finding that Dad hadn't come home all night. 223 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,524 At the time, I just assumed he was a werewolf. 224 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:35,361 But now, Fitz, I think my dad is the argyle meth Kingpin 225 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,530 and I gotta catch him red-handed. 226 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,200 I don't know if I can do this on my own, Fitz. 227 00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:43,244 [Fitz] You won't have to. 228 00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:46,331 - Fitz! You're awake! - That's right. 229 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:49,292 I won't leave your side until we take your dad down. 230 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:50,835 - Good morning. - [Fitz yelps] 231 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:54,422 What the hell are you doing? This man has a severe clown phobia. 232 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,758 Were you cheering up cancer kids or something? 233 00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,595 Oh, God, no. Gathering of the Juggalos. ICP for life. 234 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:01,721 Woop, woop! 235 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,766 If Dad is the Kingpin, 236 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:07,227 I'll bet he's got argyle meth hidden somewhere. 237 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:11,898 Ah! Maybe he hid it inside this priceless vase he didn't insure. 238 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:15,318 - [smash] - Nope. Or in his grandmother's ashes! 239 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:16,903 Nope. 240 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,989 Oh... I checked everywhere 241 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,658 and there's no argyle meth here. 242 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,578 Unless he hid it in his pet gerbil. 243 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:27,330 Nope. 244 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,377 It's so nice to see you all are setting up a stage 245 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,170 for the Christmas tree lightin'. 246 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,881 The tree lighting was canceled due to low interest. 247 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:40,176 It's been replaced with something the people of Paradise are interested in. 248 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,053 The world's largest dwarf gang bang. 249 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:45,306 I wanna see that too, but the tree lightin' can't be canceled. 250 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,101 We gotta get us a 50-foot tree and so many lights 251 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,895 that Santa can see it from space. And some fake snow and some... 252 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,522 Silence, Hindenburg! 253 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:56,693 I'm in charge here and there will be no Christmas lights and no Christmas tree. 254 00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,862 - [groaning] - [angry yelling] 255 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,125 What the hell is this Christmas crap? 256 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,043 I paid for seats in the sploodge zone. 257 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,504 Oh, it's been canceled. Sorry if I ruined your holiday plans 258 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,006 of watching a dwarf gang bang. 259 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,967 Watch it. Are you kidding me? I'm three foot six. I was gonna be in it! 260 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,261 God damn it! The only thing I've been looking forward to 261 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:24,721 this whole shitty fucking holiday! 262 00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,765 - I hate Christmas! - Hate Christmas all you want. 263 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:31,269 Just don't get in my way. And keep that Grinch shit away from Dusty! 264 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,646 How's it going, my plus-size panty soaker? 265 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:36,482 I've been passing out flyers for the Christmas tree lighting, 266 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:39,694 but everybody told me to shove 'em up my big fat B hole. 267 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:42,322 It'll just break my heart if nobody shows up. 268 00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:46,326 And I certainly won't feel like kissing no lips under no mistletoe. 269 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,285 [speedy footsteps] 270 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,870 [wind whistles] 271 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,205 Attention, citizens of Paradise. 272 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,333 In an effort to raise Christmas spirit, 273 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,168 martial law will be invoked 274 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:58,171 and enforced during the Christmas tree lighting, tonight at midnight. 275 00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:02,467 Anyone not attending will be shot and killed on site. Merry Christmas. 276 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,093 [siren blast] 277 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:05,595 I've got nothing on Dad. 278 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,347 I don't know how I'll ever take him down. 279 00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:09,098 It would take a Christmas miracle. 280 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,267 ["La Cucaracha" ringtone] 281 00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,728 Holy crap, the Kingpin's phone! 282 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,982 Hello? Howdy do? It's me, Robbie, boss. 283 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,569 Sure, I can meet you midnight tonight at the abandoned Christmas tree factory 284 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,530 to buy a bunch of argyle meth. Yee-haw! Yeah. 285 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,992 Gotcha, Dad... if that is your real name. 286 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,996 If I'm going to stop Dad, I'm going to need a gun. 287 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,165 I know he hides his old one in here somewhere. 288 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:35,166 Aha! 289 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,712 What's this? Oh, my God. 290 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:43,424 He kept this? Can't believe I could end up using this on my own dad. 291 00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,843 Again. I did shoot his balls off with it. 292 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,138 Oh, there you are, you little asshole! 293 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:53,184 You ransacked my house and made a strawberry smoothie 294 00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,770 that tasted really weird. Plus, my gerbil's missing. 295 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,772 Didn't I tell you what was gonna happen 296 00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,107 if you didn't stop meddling? 297 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,695 You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, son? 298 00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:06,614 This is a very important night for me. 299 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,158 I've got something really big going down at midnight 300 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,536 and I am not gonna let you ruin it! 301 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:13,871 [choking] 302 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,790 Why didn't I just hide it? 303 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,377 I knew it! He is doing the big argyle meth deal tonight. 304 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,796 I can't bust him if I'm stuck in here. 305 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,048 Who can I trust to go in my place? 306 00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:27,802 I need someone as cunning as I am with balls of steel. 307 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,888 ♪ Scrooge, you better listen to my fat ass ♪ 308 00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:34,434 ♪ 'Cause I'm the ghost of Christmas past ♪ 309 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,812 ♪ Don't you be so freakin' greedy ♪ 310 00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:41,816 ♪ You better give to the needy ♪ 311 00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:47,738 ♪ Don't be a Jew, Scrooge Don't be a Jew this Christmas ♪ 312 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:49,490 ♪ I'm saying don't be a Jew ♪ 313 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:52,827 ♪ Scrooge, don't be a Jew ♪ 314 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:56,664 ♪ This Christmas. ♪ 315 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:59,667 Wunderbar, Dusty. Incredible song. 316 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:04,464 Mr. Anton, are you sure we need all that anti-Jew stuff at the end? 317 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,340 Ja. 'Tis the season. 318 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:09,177 - ["Jingle Bells" ringtone] - Ho, ho, hello? 319 00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:13,598 Dusty, you're never going to believe this, but the argyle meth Kingpin is my dad. 320 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,183 Yeah, that's who I would've picked. 321 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,435 Dad is doing a huge deal tonight at midnight. 322 00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,979 It's my only chance to bust him! But he locked me in the jail. 323 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,105 I need you to go for me. 324 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,940 But my tree lighting's at midnight. 325 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:25,193 Dusty, please! This is our only chance! 326 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,695 I'll try to get out of here. If I can, I'll back you up. 327 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:32,283 Well, I guess nothing shows more Christmas spirit than helping a friend in need. 328 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,203 - I'll do it. - Where's the sign-in for the gang bang? 329 00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:39,790 I can't tell if that wiener's big or just looks big on you, little man. 330 00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:42,960 - It's big, asshole! - All right, if you say so. 331 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,879 [chatter] 332 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:49,717 Let's go, people! Move it! What the hell are you doing here? 333 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,054 I'm required by law to be here, right? Like the rest of your holiday hostages. 334 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,639 Where's Dusty? It's almost midnight. 335 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:57,558 Maybe his balls dropped and he realized that he's a grown man. 336 00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,644 Thought about that? I'm gonna tell these poor people 337 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,438 they can go home and I'm gonna call that bus full of horny half-pints 338 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,398 and tell them to turn round, point it at my dick. 339 00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:10,154 Not another step! I'm lighting this Christmas tree with or without Dusty. 340 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:12,782 Christmas spirit counts whether he's here or not. 341 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,950 You're out of control, Gina! 342 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,911 It's time somebody put a stop to your corny Christmas bullshit. 343 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:29,090 All right, you fucking shit town. Let's get merry. 344 00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:32,885 [gasps] 345 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,345 It's beautiful. 346 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:35,805 Isn't it, son? 347 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,431 [dolphin chatter] 348 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:41,310 [horn beeps] 349 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,812 [siren blast] 350 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:46,857 Delbert, man, I'm sorry I got you mixed up with argyle meth. 351 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,609 It's my fault you lost your hand 352 00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:51,237 and I ruined your dream of going to the Winter Olympics 353 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,281 and jerking off two guys at the same time. 354 00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:56,200 That's okay, Robbie. Who needs to jerk off a two-man bobsled team 355 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,368 when you can do this? 356 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:03,291 Bullet, I'm sorry about how I acted 357 00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:06,127 and I do hope that you can learn to love Christmas. 358 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:08,421 Wait a minute. Is this... 359 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:12,174 100% pure direct from a Peruvian jungle lab. 360 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:15,344 I was gonna track down your parents, but I thought you'd like this more. 361 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,222 Oh! You know me so well. 362 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,933 I think I'm starting to like Christmas. 363 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,312 [voiceover] When Bullet snorted that coke, 364 00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:27,481 his heart grew three sizes that day, 365 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:31,110 which is extremely unhealthy, most doctors say. 366 00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:35,656 I gotta get out of here to help Dusty! 367 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,658 [grunts] 368 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,744 You ain't gonna get out that way. 369 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:44,206 - Hobo-Cop, how'd you get in here? - There's a hole in the wall. 370 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:47,084 No. I know this trick. 371 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,129 I don't think my mouth is going to fit over that. 372 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:54,800 I'm coming, Dusty! Oh, crap, it's almost midnight. 373 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,470 - Kevin! - Dad? What are you doing here? 374 00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,388 You said you had somewhere important to be. 375 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,765 I told you to stay out of it. 376 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:02,391 Now I gotta put you back in jail. 377 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,226 - No, you're not! - Kevin! 378 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:07,021 You're going to confess to what you did the night of Terry's murder, 379 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:09,315 right now, in front of everyone. 380 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:13,027 Okay, okay, you wanna know what really happened that night? 381 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,153 Well, I'll tell you. 382 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:18,199 I was depressed about sprouting that perfect set of 34Gs. 383 00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,035 So I spent the night getting drunk. 384 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,287 You expect me to believe you hid your whereabouts 385 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:25,164 because you were embarrassed you got drunk? 386 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:28,668 No, I was embarrassed about what happened after I got drunk. 387 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:31,045 - [music pounds] - [bawdy cheering] 388 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,507 I'm a continental breakfast, boys. 389 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:38,052 Melons on top, but a sausage below. 390 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:39,929 Okay. 391 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,681 Can anyone back that up? 392 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,058 - [casual whistling] - Don't act like none of you were there! 393 00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:47,603 I was. That's why I was protecting you, Chief. 394 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,106 I didn't want to see your life ruined. 395 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,775 I'm in love with Summer Sausage. 396 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:56,696 Jesus, Hopson, is that why I caught you hiding my testosterone patches? 397 00:19:56,779 --> 00:20:00,449 I just want to eat one more continental breakfast 398 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,118 before I die, Summer. 399 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,371 Stop calling me that! Well, Kevin, way to go. 400 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,165 I was going to propose to your mother tonight, but you ruined it, 401 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:09,709 just like I knew you would! 402 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,502 You were going to propose? 403 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,880 Yeah, but now that you know about Summer Sausage, 404 00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:17,675 - you'll probably never speak to me again. - I love you. 405 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,094 And of course I want to marry you again. 406 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,764 And I'd like to meet this Summer Sausage. 407 00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:27,476 You can't marry her! Because you're going to marry me, Summer. 408 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,563 Get the hell out of here, Hopson! Oh, wait, that is a big rock. 409 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,983 Wait a minute. If you're not the argyle meth Kingpin, 410 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,568 who was on the other end of that phone? 411 00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,445 Who's meeting Dusty right now? 412 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,072 [tremulous humming] 413 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,783 Who is it? 414 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,536 Oh, my God, it's you! 415 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,538 What the fuck are you doing...? 416 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:50,958 Yes, Dusty, it's me, the real Santa. 417 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:55,713 I knew it would work! All the Christmas spirit got you here to Paradise. 418 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:58,883 That's right. It was the Christmas spirit that... 419 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:00,968 Oh, fuck. 420 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:04,054 Santa? You mixed up in argyle meth? 421 00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:07,767 Ho, ho, ho! Dusty, it's red and green meth. 422 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:11,896 I can't believe it took you incompetent pig so long to figure it out. 423 00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:16,984 But Santa, it can't be! You're good! You stand for the spirit of giving! 424 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:22,323 Give, give, give. But when does Santa get his fucking piece, huh? No! 425 00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,492 I believed in you. 426 00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:26,577 Even though the other kids made fun of me, 427 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,329 I never stopped believing. 428 00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:31,749 I know, Dusty, and I'm sorry that I've let you down. 429 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:35,711 You know what I think will make up for it? Your train. 430 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:39,381 My Chuggy Chuggy Choo Choo? 431 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:42,802 Your train to hell! All aboard! 432 00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:49,934 ♪ Jolly Old Saint Nicholas Lives at the North Pole ♪ 433 00:21:50,059 --> 00:21:53,896 ♪ He is such a sweet old man He'd never harm a soul... ♪ 434 00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:58,150 Made in China piece of shit! 435 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:00,319 [grunting] 436 00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:06,742 Ooh! Candy cane! 437 00:22:07,493 --> 00:22:10,663 Looks like I'll have to do this with peace and joy. 438 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:17,253 Enjoy your last meal, you fat fuck. 439 00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:28,097 ♪ His heart is sweet as candy His beard is white as wool ♪ 440 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:31,433 ♪ He'd never pick up a yule log And crush a fat guy's skull... ♪ 441 00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:34,019 Huh! I guess this was for Dusty's big finish. 442 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:36,146 Wherever he is, I'm gonna get that kiss. 443 00:22:37,273 --> 00:22:39,108 ♪ Hallelujah! ♪ 444 00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:41,068 ♪ Hallelujah! ♪ 445 00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:42,987 ♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪ 446 00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,489 ♪ Hallelujah! ♪ 447 00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:48,659 ♪ Hallelujah! Hall... ♪ 448 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:52,538 Die, Santa, die! Die, you son of a cunt! 449 00:22:52,621 --> 00:22:58,002 Fucking shitburger, bitch... [rants and screams] 450 00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:01,338 And I'm keeping the goddamn Choo Choo! 451 00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,847 Dusty! Are you okay? We got here as soon as we could. 452 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:13,767 Wait a minute, who's giant bag of argyle meth is that, Dusty? 453 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,103 Santy Claus's? 454 00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:20,983 I didn't do it! I tell you, it was Santy Claus! 455 00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:24,028 Santy Claus did it, that twat-sucking piece of shit! 456 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:27,156 Wow, you were right all along, son. 457 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,699 I'm sorry I didn't believe you. 458 00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:32,453 You are the best damn cop the city of Paradise has ever seen. 459 00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:33,871 I never thought it was Dusty. 460 00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:37,124 I thought I saw a footage at Gina's place that cleared him of Terry's murder. 461 00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:39,293 Hey, he tricked you. Threw you off the trail. 462 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,586 But don't feel bad. 463 00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:43,881 He tricked all of us. We all thought he was just a clueless man-child. 464 00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:46,216 Ho, ho! But you caught him red-handed. 465 00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:51,889 No! Dusty, I know you're innocent. You can't take him from me! Let him go! 466 00:23:52,014 --> 00:23:53,682 He owes me a kiss under the mistletoe. 467 00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:56,101 - Please, you gotta get him out. - You'll need a trial lawyer. 468 00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:57,895 I only handle minor cunnilingus disputes. 469 00:23:57,978 --> 00:23:58,896 [phone vibrates] 470 00:23:59,021 --> 00:24:01,106 Sorry, got to take this. It's Michael Douglas again. 471 00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:05,110 [prisoners jeer] 472 00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:07,988 Wait a minute. Am I in a women's prison? 473 00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:11,492 Of course you are. You're a woman. We checked... twice. 474 00:24:11,575 --> 00:24:14,244 I have a buried penis. 475 00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:17,623 I even have a doctor's note 'cause these mix-ups happen all the time. 476 00:24:17,748 --> 00:24:19,291 Shut up and get in your cell, lady. 477 00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:21,168 - Hey! - [door clanks shut] 478 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,545 I hear you're the one who killed my son. 479 00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:26,298 You about to be one dead woman. 480 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:29,009 Oh, my God. Bunk beds! 481 00:24:29,134 --> 00:24:30,552 I'm sorry, what did you say? 482 00:24:33,013 --> 00:24:35,432 Well, Fitz, I guess I got everything I wanted. 483 00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:39,353 My parents are getting remarried. I'm a hero in my dad's eyes. 484 00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:40,729 He's even giving me a medal. 485 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:44,483 But it all feels empty because I don't know if you'll ever come out of this. 486 00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:55,661 Yeah, it's me. 487 00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,830 It worked better than I could have imagined. 488 00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,707 They think that fat cop is the Kingpin. 489 00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:01,291 And he took out Kringle for me. 490 00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:02,292 Don't get me wrong. 491 00:25:02,418 --> 00:25:04,420 Saint Nick was good for handling distribution 492 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,629 so I could keep my cover, 493 00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:08,966 but I was sick of sharing my profits with that bowl full of jelly. 494 00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,302 And now, Paradise is all mine. Me, the Kingpin. 495 00:25:13,387 --> 00:25:16,473 Here's our new drug, boss. Argyle meth. 496 00:25:16,682 --> 00:25:19,393 Red and green? Don't you think that's a dead giveaway? 497 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:21,603 Why don't you put chocolate in that shit, too? 498 00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:24,440 Ho, ho, ho, good idea, boss. 499 00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:27,985 I just don't understand. 500 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:30,571 It was supposed to be a plastic steak. 501 00:25:30,654 --> 00:25:33,907 I set you motherfuckers up. 502 00:25:42,416 --> 00:25:45,753 And I fucking hate prop comedy. 503 00:25:46,754 --> 00:25:47,838 [whimpering] 504 00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:50,466 Oh, boss, thank goodness. 505 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:52,634 Please, wait a second. 506 00:25:55,512 --> 00:25:57,347 None of those cops suspect a thing. 507 00:25:57,598 --> 00:25:59,099 They're all too stupid... 508 00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:02,936 except for one of them, but I'll be taking him out next. 509 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,938 [evil laughter] 510 00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:07,983 [manic laughter] 511 00:26:08,317 --> 00:26:09,276 [Hopson] Hey, you! 512 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:10,903 Have you ever been in church 513 00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:13,822 and had a hankering for an anonymous blowjob? 514 00:26:13,906 --> 00:26:18,285 Well, now you can get one, with Hopco's mobile gloryhole. 515 00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:21,163 The glo-hole to go! It works anywhere. 516 00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:22,915 At a job interview. 517 00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,291 Your wife's funeral. 518 00:26:24,541 --> 00:26:26,251 Next to a playground. 519 00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:28,837 On trial for indecent exposure. 520 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:30,089 Anywhere! 521 00:26:30,172 --> 00:26:32,800 Comes in three sizes: white, black, 522 00:26:32,883 --> 00:26:34,343 and Tucker Carlson. 523 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:38,013 Act now and your first orgasm is on me!