1
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:15,390
[Kevin] For as long as I can remember,
I've wanted to be a cop just like my dad.
2
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,439
[car door opens, closes]
3
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,274
If you move one goddamn inch,
4
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:27,110
I am gonna shove my boot
so far up your ass...
5
00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:29,780
...you'll be shittin' shoelaces
for a cock-suckin' month,
6
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,907
you green, shit-sniffin' asshole!
7
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:34,535
Kevin! Where did you hear that language?
8
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:45,128
[Kevin] My dad was my hero
and I was his little rookie,
9
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,589
but everything changed that fateful day.
10
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,259
- [Chief] Oh, yeah, yeah!
- [Karen giggles]
11
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:51,718
Wait. Where's Kevin?
12
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,555
He's taking a nap.
Let's you and me get weird.
13
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[gun cocks]
14
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:58,392
Dad, look! I'm a real cop, just like you.
15
00:00:58,475 --> 00:00:59,434
Bang! Bang! [gunshot]
16
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:03,939
Ow!
17
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,358
My nut! You shot me in my nut!
18
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,569
[screams]
19
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,279
Dad, are you okay?
20
00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,447
Fuck, no, Kevin! No, I'm not okay!
21
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,741
Sorry, Dad. I'll put the safety on.
22
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[screams]
23
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My other nut!
24
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[shouts] That's not the safety,
that's the trigger you little asshole!
25
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Oh my God.
[groans]
26
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,961
Officer down?
27
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,132
Good morning.
How's my favorite dad?
28
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Kevin, I'm a divorced guy with no balls
29
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who has to wear a testosterone patch
to keep his mustache from falling out.
30
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- So I'm shitting rainbows. Yay!
- That's great, Dad.
31
00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:42,060
Say, do you still have that
open position on the force?
32
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What do you think?
No one wants to be a cop anymore.
33
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,149
Hello! What about me?
34
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,151
I have told you a thousand times.
35
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:52,112
I will never trust you to be a cop
after what you did to me.
36
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I was having a pretty great life
before you murdered my squirters.
37
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Dad, I was a kid. I'm 18 now.
38
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,370
Look, Kevin, I still love you. It's just...
39
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,289
Hey! You got an A in metal shop.
40
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,791
I'm sure you could earn a good living
making pipe bombs
41
00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:06,710
or whatever the fuck they do.
42
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,545
- Bombs are boring!
- Boring?
43
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,505
You know what's "boring"?
44
00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:14,384
Making love to a middle-aged man
with no testicles and a floppy ding-dong!
45
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,219
Why do you think your mom left me?
46
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:19,473
She said it was because
you are a stubborn, sexist,
47
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piece of shit asshole
that can never admit when he's wrong.
48
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:25,937
That's ridiculous. She'd never leave me
over anything that trivial.
49
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:29,608
She obviously left because
she missed my balls so much.
50
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:32,152
Well, who could blame her?
They were nearly perfect.
51
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Smooth and hairless.
Your mom couldn't get enough of 'em.
52
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:38,950
I'd drop 'em down on her eyes,
and she'd pretend to be the Hamburglar.
53
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,035
[cries]
54
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,579
It's sweet moments like that
that I miss so much.
55
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,289
You should've seen it, Kevin.
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She'd put on the black hat and go,
"Rabble, rabble!"
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[chuckles]
"Rabble, rabble!"
58
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[sobs]
59
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,219
Morning, sexy.
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00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,470
- Honk, honk!
- [glass shatters]
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00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:01,640
Now, Gina, you know this restraining order
I have on you,
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00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:05,143
it specifically covers not honking
my bitch tits.
63
00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:07,270
Hmm. Does it cover this?
64
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,855
[imitates a fog horn]
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00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:13,360
Yes. "Foghorn-ing my peter,"
article seven, paragraph two.
66
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,445
Good morning, officers.
Let's get started.
67
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,446
Where's Bullet?
68
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:20,158
Sorry, Chief, I was just
in the evidence room doing... inventory.
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00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,702
[snorts]
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00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,871
Goddamn! I love inventory!
71
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,498
Oh, inventory, huh?
72
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,500
What's that white powder
all over your snout?
73
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:32,379
How am I supposed to sniff out cocaine
if I don't know what it smells like?
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00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:33,380
Good point. Moving on.
75
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,757
Chief, first of all, namaste.
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00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,969
Second, when am I going to get
my motherfucking flak jacket?
77
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,012
Never! We're broke, Fitzgerald.
78
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:43,765
We only have 12 bullets to last us
to the end of the month.
79
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,518
We can't even afford Hopson's pension
so he can retire.
80
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:47,436
[Chief] Hopson!
81
00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:50,856
In 1941
I was the prettiest girl in school.
82
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:55,485
I won the 4-H beauty pageant
and made finger-love to Mickey Rooney.
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00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:58,447
You don't need a flak jacket, Fitzgerald.
You don't get shot at.
84
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,073
You're afraid to leave your police car.
85
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,908
It's my PTSD, Chief.
86
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:05,495
You know I was a cop in Chicago.
Some dark shit happened.
87
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,205
But I deal with stressful situations
88
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:10,083
by chanting my mantra
during transcendental meditation.
89
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,627
[groans] Fitzgerald, help!
90
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:16,214
- [sitar music plays]
- Mega Converse platy-monkey diaphragm.
91
00:04:16,298 --> 00:04:17,174
Ow!
92
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,886
All right. Any of you other idiots manage
to do any police work yesterday?
93
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:24,723
I pulled over a suspicious lookin'
colored fella.
94
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:25,891
[siren chirps]
95
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,686
Third time this week.
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00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:33,440
The only thing doing any real work here
is Dusty's insulin pump.
97
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,400
[Dusty murmurs]
98
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:39,196
I do real police work, okay.
I busted my 99th criminal yesterday.
99
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,282
- You keep track of your arrests?
- I don't just "keep track."
100
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:43,658
I scrapbook that shit.
101
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:46,912
I'll never forget my first arrest.
He was a litterbug.
102
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:49,247
[Gina] This photo captures
the exact moment
103
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:52,459
when 50,000 volts
turned his spine into dust! [shouts]
104
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:56,046
He doesn't litter anymore
because he can't hold things.
105
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:59,132
Gina, did you ever go see that shrink
about your "anger issues"?
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00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:03,386
This one. Turns out he had
an unpaid parking ticket.
107
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:04,971
Piece of fucking shit.
108
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,224
Goddamn it.
This is why everybody hates us.
109
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,185
Maybe PR would improve
if we didn't have to walk around
110
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,395
with a puckering butt-hole patch.
111
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,147
"Puckering butt-hole"?
112
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,024
That happens to be a sunset
113
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,610
that I designed myself
in Microsoft Paint!
114
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,404
Personally, I like the butt-hole.
It intimidates the citizens.
115
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:25,242
I mean, if anything, we should add
a billy club being rammed right into it.
116
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,577
Yeah, Gina, I saw you put that
in the suggestion box.
117
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,621
The point is,
nobody wants to work here.
118
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:31,414
Except for me.
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00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:34,251
Kevin, what the hell are you
doing in that uniform?
120
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,838
I'm officially a cop!
Mom hired me! Ha-ha!
121
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,756
Mayors can do that.
122
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,968
Funny story, I divorced
this sexist, piece of shit asshole
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00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:45,637
who said a woman
could never get elected mayor.
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00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,681
You ran against a pig in a t-shirt,
125
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,766
who won the popular vote, by the way.
126
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,353
Karen, I do not want this sack sniper
working here.
127
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:56,356
It doesn't matter what you want.
This'll be good for Kevin.
128
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,525
Yeah, I've been dreaming
of proudly wearing
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this puckering butt-hole my entire life.
130
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,778
It's a sunset.
131
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,030
And face it, he's the only
cop you can afford.
132
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,950
Well, that's your fault, Mr. Mayor,
the whole town is broke.
133
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:10,412
Trust me, I've been looking for money
everywhere I can.
134
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:14,207
Oh, Lambie-pie, are you almost done?
I'm running on fumes in the Tesla.
135
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:18,253
This is the man I've been seeing,
Dr. Dinkle. He's a dentist.
136
00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:21,798
- I thought you said he was a doctor.
- Dentists are doctors.
137
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,884
Yeah, and birds are books. What a loser.
138
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,720
Where'd you dig up this four-eyed,
fluoride-pushing fuck nut?
139
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,347
This fuck nut trumps you
in every possible way.
140
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,266
From bank account to ball count.
141
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:32,517
If you'll excuse us.
142
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,644
Nice to meet you, Dr. Dickhole!
143
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,313
Okay, police time. Where's my gun?
144
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,149
How about something
with some real stopping power?
145
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,901
Oh, yeah.
146
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,736
A stop sign?
147
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,113
Very observant, Kevin.
You're our new crossing guard.
148
00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,407
[chuckles] You think I give out guns
to just anybody?
149
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,326
- [gunshot]
- Watch it!
150
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:50,785
[phone rings]
151
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,913
911, what's your emergency?
152
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:54,789
Ooh. [chuckles]
153
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:55,999
Ten-four.
154
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,251
We got a suspicious package downtown.
155
00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,586
Let's roll.
156
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,839
- [grunts]
- [gunshot]
157
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:04,883
[yells]
158
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:06,301
[grunts]
159
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:07,677
[groans]
160
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,269
[siren wails]
161
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,105
- Where's the bomb-defusing robot?
- Too expensive.
162
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:22,484
We just go under a bridge,
deputize a hobo, and send him in there.
163
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,945
[hobo babbles]
Reporting for duty. Yes, sir.
164
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,615
Nice! Going great so far!
165
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,241
Now open it up!
166
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:32,077
Cue the Gallagher tarp.
167
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,169
- It was just a bag of meth.
- That's not just meth.
168
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,338
[Chief] It appears to be
some kind of argyle meth.
169
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,299
This new drug is likely
as dangerous as it is festive.
170
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:50,220
Probably the work of a criminal mastermind
who's also fond of patterns
171
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,264
worn by Scottish Highlanders
since the 17th century.
172
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,559
I memorized all of Wikipedia
instead of having friends.
173
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,561
Oh my God, that is so hot.
174
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,271
I want to die under you.
175
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:04,109
Listen up. I want the entire Paradise PD
to focus on catching the person
176
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,402
behind this argyle meth.
177
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,612
If anyone's busting this guy,
it's gonna be me.
178
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:11,241
I've got a page reserved
for my 100th arrest.
179
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:13,118
So what we gonna do with this hobo?
180
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,035
[Hobo hums]
181
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:16,329
Hell if I know.
They usually get blown up.
182
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:20,000
But since you asked,
meet your new partner, Hobo Cop.
183
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,752
He smells like skunk pussy
but I've got to admit,
184
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,796
Hobo Cop is a bad-ass name.
185
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,506
Bullet, store this evidence.
186
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,759
Uh, you put a dog in charge
of drug evidence?
187
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:33,471
Hey, in my book, Bullet is the most
trustworthy cop on the force.
188
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:36,307
Drugga-drugga-drugga-drugga.
Drugs, drugs!
189
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:39,811
Look out, drug train coming through.
Who wants some drugs?
190
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:40,812
[dogs howl and snort]
191
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:41,980
[heavy dance music plays]
192
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,822
Bullet! This party's awesome!
193
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,700
Oh, yeah, bro? Well, it is about
to get double-awesome.
194
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:55,869
A new drug?
195
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,788
Uh-huh. And it's called argyle meth.
196
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,040
[dogs gasp]
197
00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,292
I'm color-blind
and it still looks incredible.
198
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,209
[dogs murmur]
199
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:06,713
[Bullet] Hey, one at a time, all right.
There's enough for everybody!
200
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,923
Except me, apparently.
201
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,843
Well, at least somebody's
gonna have a good time tonight.
202
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:12,886
[dogs whimper]
203
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:13,928
Oh, shit.
204
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:21,352
- Bullet, you okay?
- I was up all night cleaning.
205
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,647
I just couldn't stand everything
covered with circumstantial evidence.
206
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,566
Dust! I mean dust.
It was covered with dust.
207
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:29,194
- Oh, God, there was dust everywhere.
- Thanks, Bullet. Good dog.
208
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,905
Plus, I found this sticker
on the back of the argyle meth bag.
209
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:38,078
Well, if we knew what kind of chocolate
it was, maybe we could trace it to...
210
00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:40,830
- Do I smell Choco-nators?
- Choco-nators!
211
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,833
Dad, there's only one place in town
that sells those: the video store.
212
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,585
Should I go investigate?
213
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,963
- You're a crossing guard. Stay out of it.
- Chief, you better look at this.
214
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:51,591
Oh, boy.
Bullet, I don't know how to tell you this
215
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:55,053
but apparently every dog in town
had some kind of suicide pact.
216
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,222
They were all found dead
in their dog houses
217
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,891
with almost identical suicide notes
in similar handwriting.
218
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,684
[chuckles]
Oh, man. No way.
219
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:05,480
Oh, if only I'd been there for them
instead of that alibi thing I was doing.
220
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,109
Okay, Kevin, focus.
221
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,444
Just get them to sell you
some argyle meth.
222
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:15,073
Dad won't mind that you borrowed a gun
when you bust this case wide open.
223
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:18,076
- [door bell chimes]
- I heard a rumor that you guys move
224
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:20,745
some "special products" here.
225
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,497
Oh, yeah? Check this out.
226
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,791
- I know you're a cop.
- What?
227
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:28,461
This movie, I Know You're a Cop.
You should check it out. It's awesome.
228
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,421
It's got Frank Stallone
and a monkey in it.
229
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:33,216
That monkey got a Golden Globe for that
and Frank Stallone got snubbed.
230
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,135
Oh, okay. [chuckles]
231
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:38,054
But seriously, I am here for, um...
232
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,015
Hey! You should watch it.
I know why you're here,
233
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:45,145
I'm going to kill you
right in this video store.
234
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,107
I mean, it's got a long title
but you should definitely watch it.
235
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,527
It's an animated kids movie about
a bipolar goat who manages a Blockbuster.
236
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,529
Listen, I need something from you.
237
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,448
How about this? Come in the back,
kiss me on the lips,
238
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,617
and smack my ass like the pig I am.
239
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,120
Oh, where... where is that movie?
[chuckles]
240
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,497
Oh, that's not a movie, that's an offer.
241
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,043
Oh, I'm just kidding, that is a movie.
Starring Kathy Bates.
242
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,546
Look, I know you you guys
are making argyle meth out of here.
243
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:12,463
I want to buy some.
244
00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:14,716
- [popcorn pops]
- Aah! Shots fired!
245
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:16,593
Shots fired! [gunshot]
246
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,972
What the hell are you doing?!
247
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,391
He must really hate
microwave popcorn, Robbie.
248
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,476
I know you guys sell argyle meth!
249
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:29,022
The only thing we sell
is VHS videotapes
250
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,649
that are oddly specific
to many conversations.
251
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,067
And microwave popcorn.
252
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,279
Don't be bringing up microwave popcorn!
You gon' set him off again.
253
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:41,451
Kevin, this is exactly why
I didn't want you on my police force.
254
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,953
Do you know how much damage
you did to that video store?
255
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,205
- Nine dollars?
- Eleven.
256
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:48,666
Honestly, I thought you'd be angrier since
I stole a gun and used all our bullets.
257
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,752
You did what?!
258
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,631
Wh-What are you doing?
259
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,800
You know you aren't supposed to wear
more than one of those at a time.
260
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,303
Let's not get crazy here, Dad.
261
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:02,055
You're kind of starting to turn red.
262
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:04,599
Not the other arm!
263
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:07,101
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[whimpers]
264
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,937
[Chief screams]
265
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:10,855
[siren wails]
266
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,065
[woman screams]
267
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,734
Uh, Chief, you know
that's your car, right?
268
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:20,573
Hey, guys. I wanted to come by
and apologize for wrecking your store.
269
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,371
[door creaks]
270
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:28,665
Ooh!
271
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,792
Freeze! Paradise PD!
272
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,585
You'll never take us alive!
273
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,087
'Cause the tape's broken.
274
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,923
I'm a bad dog, bad dog.
275
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,383
I'm such a bad dog!
276
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:41,719
My friends are dead because of me.
I'm never doing drugs again.
277
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:46,015
Whoa, it's been five seconds
and I haven't even had any hallucinations.
278
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,726
- [door creaks]
- Why'd you turn your back on us, man?
279
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,020
[Cuban accent] Did you forget
all the good times, man?
280
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,983
Remember Vegas, when we banged
that litter of Pekingese?
281
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,859
Huh? Best night of your life.
282
00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:00,446
Don't turn your back on us.
We didn't kill your little friend!
283
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,031
It's that new guy's fault.
284
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:06,536
[Scottish accent] Why don't ya
blow it out your ass, you powdery bastard!
285
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,789
- Fuck you!
- I'll kill all of ya! Try me right now!
286
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:12,959
Shut up! Just shut up!
I'm done with all you.
287
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,377
Get out of my life!
288
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:17,297
Cocaine, wait. I'll miss you most of all.
289
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,678
I don't care if it takes all night.
290
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,264
You are going to tell me who you work for.
291
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,933
He told us never to say his name.
292
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:31,019
- Who told you that?
- Terry Two Toes.
293
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,812
Wait, is it supposed to be this easy?
294
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,106
I'm just the good cop.
I didn't even need the bad cop.
295
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,107
[Gina yells]
296
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,359
Eat scrapbook, you hillbilly asshole!
297
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:39,319
Ooh! Ow!
298
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,905
When I'm done with you you're gonna be
shitting blood and pissing teeth!
299
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,116
Who knows, maybe I'll shit teeth!
300
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,744
That`s how crazy I am!
301
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,829
I shit teeth for breakfast!
302
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,915
Here's the hillbilly prick
we're looking for.
303
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,459
Terry Two Toes.
304
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,753
I want you out there
searching for him 24/7.
305
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,797
Well, when we find that two-toed guy
306
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,300
maybe you could help me find Betty.
307
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,344
I don't know who the hell Betty is,
308
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,679
but I know something you need more.
Purell.
309
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,931
Here. Take a bath in this shit.
310
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,517
- [Hobo Cop hums]
- Dad, I got the name out of 'em.
311
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:14,479
- Aren't you gonna say "good job"?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
312
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,440
You wasted all our bullets
trying to murder a bag of popcorn
313
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,609
then fell ass-backwards into a clue!
314
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,235
Huzzah for Kevin!
315
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,030
I get it. You can't admit you
were wrong about me.
316
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:27,450
Well, maybe you will
once I take down Terry Two Toes.
317
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:30,328
You will not.
These are serious criminals.
318
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,039
This is not some Mickey Mouse shit.
319
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,797
Uh, Mr. Two Toes, how's this look?
320
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:42,965
Aw, shit.
321
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,093
That ain't argyle,
that's houndstooth.
322
00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:47,345
- What's the difference?
- What's the difference?
323
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,806
♪ I'm an artistic genius, can't you see ♪
324
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,100
♪ I made up a brilliant recipe ♪
325
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,644
♪ I'll be remembered beyond death ♪
326
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:58,439
♪ For inventing argyle meth ♪
327
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:03,027
♪ I throw in lye and kerosene
And some pseudoephedrine ♪
328
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:06,364
♪ To make you feel euphoric
I pour in acid hydrochloric ♪
329
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:10,118
♪ It may be toxic and corrosive
And potentially explosive ♪
330
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,619
[explosion]
331
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,080
♪ But argyle meth
Is the best meth in town ♪
332
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,290
♪ I wouldn't call it a transgression ♪
333
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,875
♪ It'll clear up your depression ♪
334
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:20,211
♪ Take a bunch and you won't doze off ♪
335
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,339
♪ But you may chew a couple toes off ♪
336
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:28,261
♪ Yes, argyle meth
Is the best meth in town ♪
337
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,805
♪ Yes, argyle meth
Is the best meth in town ♪
338
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,563
So, Terry Two Toes
attended Sunday school here.
339
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,523
Can I ask you a question first, my son?
340
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,442
Why is your partner nude
from the waist down,
341
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:43,818
eating pages from the Bible?
342
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:45,111
Damn it, Hobo Cop!
343
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:49,031
I'm sorry, this D-D-Deuteronomy
is delicious.
344
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:52,660
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta take a holy shit.
345
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:58,291
Thanks for agreeing to talk to me
about your son, Mrs. Two Toes.
346
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,251
Terry was such a happy child.
347
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:03,171
Burning down churches,
microwaving frogs,
348
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,298
putting rat shit in his teacher's coffee.
349
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,675
[laughs]
Just normal kids' stuff.
350
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,845
I know it's a shock,
but Terry has turned to a life of crime.
351
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,514
I need to know where he is so I can...
help him.
352
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,641
I'd do anything to help my Terry.
353
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,685
Let me just grab my address book.
354
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,647
[shouts] You think I'd help you
arrest my son?
355
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:25,067
Oh, Lord!
356
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:27,737
Ha! You just got cold-cocked!
357
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,865
[laughs]
I knocked out a woman! All by myself!
358
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,575
I gotta tell Dad!
359
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,994
Not now, Kevin. I'm on my own mission.
360
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:36,746
Operation Dinkle-Dump.
361
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,920
Look at you, taking me to the nicest
restaurant in town.
362
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:44,921
[glass shatters]
363
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,173
Tear gas! Duck and cover!
364
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,174
[coughs]
365
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,593
I won`t let this moment be ruined!
366
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,678
- [Dinkle coughs]
- [Karen vomits]
367
00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:54,555
Will you be my...
[coughs]
368
00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:55,848
...wife?
369
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,308
[hoarsely] Yes!
370
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:08,361
Can one of you explain how the hell
you haven't found Terry Two Toes?
371
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,029
It's impossible to find him, Chief.
372
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:14,283
Well, maybe if we just sit here on
our assholes he'll waltz in and say...
373
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,535
Morning, assholes.
374
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:18,371
What the shit!
You better be here to turn yourself in.
375
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,874
Not exactly. Nobody hits my mama
with a ceramic rooster!
376
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,960
Hey, rookie, get a shot of this.
377
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,628
It's scrapbookin' time!
378
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,338
[gun clicks]
379
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:29,549
Don't strain your trigger fingers, Gina.
380
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,384
The crossing guard
wasted all our bullets.
381
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:35,638
I guess if it's our time to go out,
at least we're all going out together.
382
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,808
Hey, what are you guys doin'?
383
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:39,892
[rifles cocking]
384
00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:40,893
Oh, poops!
385
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,479
- [gunshot fires]
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
386
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:48,526
Woo! Awesome!
Everybody that matters is okay.
387
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:50,695
[cackles]
388
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,032
Hate to see you like this, Dusty.
389
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:57,076
I'd rather see you like this.
390
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,453
It's looking like six more
weeks of winter.
391
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:02,206
- Kevin, we need to talk.
- Yeah, we do.
392
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,792
I'm getting really close
to finding Terry Two Toes' hideout.
393
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,294
- Kevin, you're fired.
- What?
394
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:07,878
Mom will never let you do that.
395
00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:09,589
It was my idea, Kevin.
396
00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,675
Now that crazy hillbillies are shooting up
the police station,
397
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,635
this job is too dangerous.
398
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:16,887
Normally, your mom
has really shitty judgment,
399
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,389
like sucking off dentists,
400
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,099
but on this one, Kevin, I agree with her.
401
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:24,020
Fine! If neither one of you
believes in me, you can have this badge.
402
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:28,107
- But you're not taking these from me.
- Why the hell would we want those?
403
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:30,526
Dr. Funtlichter, is he going to live?
404
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,485
Live? [chuckles]
405
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,696
Not a single bullet
even broke his skin.
406
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,616
They're all lodged
in the fifth of his ten fat layers.
407
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,618
He's like a walking blob
of ballistics gel.
408
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,995
The bullets are stuck in there
pretty deep, though.
409
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,414
We'll have to come up
with some way to extract them.
410
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,291
- [Dusty sneezes]
- [bullets ricochet]
411
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,837
Now, Hobo Cop, you don't
have to thank me for all those...
412
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,589
presents I got you.
413
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:54,800
[Chief] Attention. Sniffles Pharmacy,
robbery in progress.
414
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,929
Someone else will handle that.
We're w-way too far away.
415
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:03,851
[yells] I see Betty!
I'm coming, Betty!
416
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,103
Hobo Cop, don't go in there!
417
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,271
[wails]
418
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:10,983
[gunshots]
419
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,943
No, no, no! [shrieks]
420
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:19,116
Hobo Cop, you dead?
421
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:20,409
[Hobo Cop] I saved Betty.
422
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,869
- That's Betty?
- [flies buzz]
423
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:26,248
I risked my life for a dress sock,
a flip-flop, and a head of rotten cabbage?
424
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,210
That's not a dress sock.
That's a jizz sock.
425
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,461
[splatting noise]
426
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,090
Hobo Cop, I need to know something.
427
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,676
How can you just walk through
a bullet storm like that?
428
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:37,718
Don't you get afraid?
429
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:41,347
[stutters] Hobos don't feel fear.
430
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,975
I used to be like you,
riddled with anxiety.
431
00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:47,853
Back then I was the CEO
of a small company
432
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,271
called Berkshire Hathaway.
433
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,982
Holy shit. You don't seem the type.
434
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:54,985
Most CEOs don't have scraggly beards
filled with feces.
435
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,904
Well, besides Richard Branson.
436
00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:01,575
I gave up all my worldly possessions
and learned the ways of the hobo.
437
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:03,619
I haven't felt fear since.
438
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,663
Can you teach me, Hobo Cop?
439
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,465
[truck honks]
440
00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:21,595
[clinks]
441
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,019
Woo!
442
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:33,274
I don't know if it's the expired beans
or all that Old Spice we drank,
443
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,359
but I think this shit is...
444
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,867
- Kevin, what's wrong, buddy?
- I got fired.
445
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,327
And I was so close
to finding Terry Two Toes.
446
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:46,454
Oh, he's easy to find.
447
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:49,623
You just gotta look in his secret hideout
he told us not to tell nobody about.
448
00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:50,875
Secret hideout? Where is it?
449
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,377
Oh, no. We swore we would never tell.
450
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:57,173
Well, if you can't "tell" me,
can you show me?
451
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,758
Hell yeah, we can show you.
452
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,387
Dilbert and Robbie. Who's your friend?
453
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:06,474
Uh, that's my step-cousin,
Galaga Dig Dug.
454
00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:08,642
Italian fella, huh?
455
00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:10,352
Where you two been anyway?
456
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:13,773
We got arrested.
This Italian fella helped us get out.
457
00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:16,275
Goddamn it!
I'm sick of these pain-in-the-ass cops.
458
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:18,944
It's all the fault of that new
anti-crime mayor.
459
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,946
But she won't be a problem
much longer,
460
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,948
'cause I'm planning to take her out.
461
00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:24,116
No, Mom!
462
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,117
I mean, uh...
463
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:29,288
[Italian accent] Mamma mia!
I'm-ah late for my flight back to Italy!
464
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:31,373
[chuckles nervously]
Arrivederci!
465
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:33,417
Them Italians are weird.
466
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:34,960
What was his name again?
467
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:39,131
Uh, it was Pole Position
Pac-Man, Jr.
468
00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:42,092
- Frogger Asteroid.
- Sega Master System.
469
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:44,303
Yeah, that's it.
470
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,932
[grunts]
471
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:50,684
[dog] Bullet!
472
00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:52,228
- [Buster] Bullet!
- [dog yips]
473
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:53,771
I'm sorry, Buster!
474
00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:55,397
It was all my fault!
475
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,650
[angelic choir plays]
476
00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:00,569
- Bullet! What's up, dog?
- Buster!
477
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,822
- You went to heaven?
- We all did.
478
00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:05,950
These shitheads have some loose-ass
membership standards.
479
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,244
Look, Buster, I want to say I'm sorry.
480
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:09,495
Sorry for what?
481
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:12,915
OD-ing on argyle meth was the best thing
that ever happened to me, man.
482
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,333
This place is awesome.
483
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:17,002
It's got an all-you-can-eat
cat turd and vomit buffet.
484
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:19,547
So I have nothing to feel guilty about?
485
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:21,006
You know what this means, right?
486
00:22:21,090 --> 00:22:23,467
I can do drugs again!
487
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,970
Suck my little red dick, guilt!
488
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,721
Yeah! [chuckles]
489
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,976
So Terry Two Toes is planning to kill me?
490
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:33,686
Wait, how do you know this?
491
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:35,104
I went to his secret hideout.
492
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,982
Kevin, I don't want you acting
like you're still a cop.
493
00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:39,692
You're gonna get yourself killed.
494
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:42,194
I'm at least going to keep an eye
on you until this blows over.
495
00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,822
No, I can take care of myself.
Goodbye.
496
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:48,951
Everything okay? Are you ready to go out
for a Red Lobster-ific supper?
497
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,954
I say we stay in
and have some fun right here.
498
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,789
And since we are engaged now,
499
00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:57,418
I think you should finally
take your socks off during sex.
500
00:22:57,501 --> 00:23:00,170
No, I don't like that kinky stuff.
501
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:03,674
Oh, you only have two toes.
502
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:08,012
Wait. You're Terry Two Toes!
503
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,221
Oh, my God!
504
00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:11,307
At first, Dr. Dinkle was a cover.
505
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:13,893
Then I realized the money
I'm making off meth
506
00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:17,354
is peanuts compared to what
I'll make off meth mouth
507
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,648
as the town's only dentist!
508
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,942
[cackles]
509
00:23:22,568 --> 00:23:23,527
[phone dials]
510
00:23:23,611 --> 00:23:24,820
[snores]
511
00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,572
- [phone rings]
- [yells]
512
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:27,948
- Hello?
- [gunshot]
513
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:31,285
Don't you yell at me, Mickey Rooney,
you son of a bitch.
514
00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:33,370
- [phone rings]
- [snores]
515
00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:37,333
Boys, it's time for Plan B.
516
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,502
Operation "Mayor saw my two toes,
it's time to kill her."
517
00:23:40,878 --> 00:23:42,588
Dad is not gonna believe this!
518
00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:43,964
I don't believe this!
519
00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:46,926
I'm almost kind of impressed that you
uncovered all this on your own, Kevin
520
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:48,969
Okay,
521
00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:51,597
this place is heavily guarded
and we're still out of bullets.
522
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,058
Do we have anything
that we could use as a weapon?
523
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,851
Actually, I have an idea.
524
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:58,771
Remember how I got that A in metal shop?
Well, if I put my...
525
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:00,230
[Gina scoffs]
You're not even a cop.
526
00:24:00,314 --> 00:24:02,816
We don't need your rookie
crossing guard ass getting in our way.
527
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:05,569
- Right, Chief?
- Well, actually... Ooh.
528
00:24:05,653 --> 00:24:08,238
I can't believe it.
After everything I did for this case
529
00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:09,698
you still don't trust me?
530
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:12,326
- Good luck. I'm leaving.
- Kevin, I...
531
00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:14,453
Well, I guess it's for the best.
532
00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:15,621
The rest of you, get ready.
533
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:17,665
We are goin' in heavy.
534
00:24:17,748 --> 00:24:18,958
[gunshot]
535
00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:20,459
Ow! [grunts]
536
00:24:20,542 --> 00:24:22,419
[machine gunfire]
537
00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:24,129
I got this shit.
538
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:25,297
Hit me, Hobo Cop.
539
00:24:27,049 --> 00:24:28,676
Ow! Stingy!
540
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,101
- [Dusty sneezes]
- [bullets ricochet]
541
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,106
All right, Two Toes, it's over!
Time to come with us.
542
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:43,232
[cackles]
543
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:45,651
Not so fast!
544
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:48,612
Did you really think
I'd ever let you take me alive?
545
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:49,822
[all gasp]
546
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:52,199
We`re all leaving this room the same way.
547
00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:53,575
In pieces.
548
00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:55,327
Leave this to me, Chief.
549
00:24:55,411 --> 00:24:57,204
Me and my old friends.
550
00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:58,455
All dogs go to heaven,
551
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:01,625
but sometimes they come back
to raise a little hell.
552
00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:03,293
- [dogs snarl]
- [Terry screams]
553
00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:06,964
Ow! Good Lord! Oh, God!
554
00:25:07,798 --> 00:25:09,800
Bullet! What the hell are you doing?
555
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:11,719
[canister hisses] Nitrous.
556
00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:15,556
Terry, I'll give you two seconds
to drop that detonator.
557
00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:17,933
What the hell are you supposed to be?
558
00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:19,643
I'm just a crossing guard,
559
00:25:19,727 --> 00:25:22,396
and I'm here to put a stop to this.
560
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:24,356
[screams]
561
00:25:25,274 --> 00:25:26,984
Okay, that shit was awesome.
562
00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:29,361
Karen, I thought I was going to lose you,
563
00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:30,863
and I have to admit,
564
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:33,490
I didn't sabotage your date
just to get even with you.
565
00:25:33,574 --> 00:25:36,160
I don't know if I'm saying this
because my fiancee was made up,
566
00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:38,078
or I just went through
a traumatic experience,
567
00:25:38,162 --> 00:25:40,539
or your frog neck looks
slightly less disgusting in this light
568
00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,666
but Red Lobster, tomorrow night,
8:00 p.m.?
569
00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:43,751
It's a date.
570
00:25:43,834 --> 00:25:45,794
It's an unhealthy rebound date,
but I'll take it.
571
00:25:46,045 --> 00:25:48,464
I got here first!
Okay, this counts as my collar.
572
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:51,341
Congratulations, Terry.
You're my 100th arrest.
573
00:25:51,425 --> 00:25:54,344
- Ooh! Ooh! What'd I win?
- A trip to the red zone.
574
00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:56,305
[cackles]
575
00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:58,390
Hey, Hobo Cop, defuse that bomb.
576
00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:01,393
Put down the Gallagher tarp!
577
00:26:01,685 --> 00:26:04,480
Hobo Cop isn't getting blown up today
or any day.
578
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:06,774
He taught me to give up
my worldly possessions,
579
00:26:06,857 --> 00:26:09,902
so I cashed in my Chicago PD 401(k)
580
00:26:09,985 --> 00:26:11,403
and bought this.
581
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:12,738
[device beeps]
582
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,698
A bomb-defusing robot.
583
00:26:14,782 --> 00:26:16,200
Do the honors, Hobo Cop.
584
00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:19,328
[explosion]
585
00:26:22,122 --> 00:26:23,123
Aw, shit!
586
00:26:23,207 --> 00:26:25,084
I didn't know Samsung made these!
587
00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:30,172
All right, I admit it.
588
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:31,965
I've said some harsh things lately,
589
00:26:32,049 --> 00:26:33,884
but you guys saved the day.
590
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:34,843
Thank you.
591
00:26:34,927 --> 00:26:37,304
And, Kevin,
I believe this belongs to you.
592
00:26:37,387 --> 00:26:39,181
Sweet. Is Mom rehiring me?
593
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:40,390
No, I am.
594
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,309
Kevin, I was...
[retches]
595
00:26:42,392 --> 00:26:43,560
I was...
[retches]
596
00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:45,187
I was...
597
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:47,898
I was wrong.
598
00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:50,818
Kevin, it was you who took down
Terry Two Toes,
599
00:26:50,901 --> 00:26:53,028
and as much as I didn't
want you working here
600
00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:55,572
because I thought you were
an irresponsible fuck-up,
601
00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,199
we'd all be dead without you.
602
00:26:57,282 --> 00:26:58,742
Sure, I miss my balls,
603
00:26:58,826 --> 00:27:00,744
but you mean almost more to me
than they did.
604
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:02,746
I think I saw that on a Hallmark card.
605
00:27:02,830 --> 00:27:03,956
I love you, Dad.
606
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:05,207
You're still my hero,
607
00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:07,960
and I'm so excited
to be your little rookie again.
608
00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:09,670
Come here.
[blubbers]
609
00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:11,213
Don't wrinkle my shirt, you idiot!
610
00:27:11,296 --> 00:27:13,799
I need to look my best.
I have a date with your mama tonight.
611
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:16,426
I think I'll definitely be needing
one of these.
612
00:27:17,052 --> 00:27:19,513
Hey! Where are all
my testosterone patches?
613
00:27:19,596 --> 00:27:22,766
I guess you used 'em all to rage out on me
over the video store.
614
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:23,851
Uh-oh.
615
00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:29,189
I mean, I'm plumping up over it,
but I'm a dog, whatever.
616
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:31,942
[door opens]
617
00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:35,195
Oh, boss. Thank goodness.
I knew you'd come let me out of here.
618
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:36,280
[gun cocks]
619
00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:38,365
- Hey, wait a second...
- [gunshot]
620
00:27:39,616 --> 00:27:43,245
[rock music plays]
621
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,784
[screams]