I'm Paul Dood, and I'm a triple threat.
I can sing, I can act, and I sure as hell... No.
I'm Paul Dood, and I'm a triple...
I'm Paul Dood, and I'm a triple threat.
I can sing, I can act and I sure as shit can dance.
I want to get to the top of the Trend Ladder for my mum
because she's always believed in me.
I think my mu's always thought I've got what it takes.
And she just wants to see me succeed.
So that's what I've got to do.
Paul. What?
Do you want a tea cake?
No, Mum, I'm just trying to do the video.
How's it going, the video?
It's good. Just going to finish it.
Then eat.
Toast and marmalade?
No thank you, Mum.
I cut the crusts off.
Actually, I would quite like that.
Toast and marmalade, then?
Please.
WHISPERING: What do you think?
Eh?
I'm on a vocal rest.
What do you think of the video?
WHISPERING: It's good. You're clever, aren't you?
You don't need to do the vocal rest.
I'm doing the vocal rest.
LOUDLY: It's good you're clever, aren't you?
It's got 14 views on Trend Ladder already,
so I'm pretty pleased.
COUGHING
Are you OK? Yeah.
Thank you.
Right.
What did you think of the spin?
To be honest, I think the spin's a bit much.
I think less on the spin.
OK?
Do you want to have a rehearsal? Yeah, yeah.
Right, do your exercises.
GROWNING
One to the left.
Now the vocal ones.
Hip baaa.
Oh, no, come on.
Take it seriously.
Hip baaa.
LAUGHING: That's it.
Right.
Are you going to count me? Count me in.
You ready?
One, two, three, go.
HUMMING
And then the spin.
Ah, you're doing too much on the spin.
The sofa was in the way.
No, it's nothing to do with the sofa.
Take it easy, take it easy.
Right, I'll count you in.
One, two, three, go.
SOUND OF TRAFFIC AND ROAD WORKS
SHOPPING MALL MUSIC
Welcome to the Belshire Shopping Centre,
where we cater for all your dreams and needs.
Could a cleaner please go to the mezzanine level?
Ther's been a spillage.
I think my mum's always thought I've got what it takes
and she just wants to see me succeed,
so that's what I've got to do.
I can sing, I can act and I sure as shit...
Hey, Paul. Mm-hm.
I've just watched your latest video on Trend Ladder.
Pretty neat.
Thanks.
It's not, though. It's pretty shit.
DOOR OPENS
DOOR CLOSES
Hiya, mate.
Hello, mate.
I've got some more stuff I want to sell.
Ahh.
We're not buying anything, sorry.
Oh, that's a shame. This is all Old Alfred's gear.
God rest his soul.
All his military stuff, some valuable items in here.
This is exciting.
Shoe polish.
It's army stuff, isn't it?
Yeah, but empty.
What do you want me to do with it? Give it to Oxfam.
Don't give it to those pricks.
What about age concern?
Yeah, sure, if you need it.
We'll give you £20 for whatever's in the box, Trev.
What?
This is his medals. This is all his military stuff.
I'll give you £20. Loving the hat, Paul.
It's worth a lot more than that.
Military stuff?
Alfred didn't see any military action.
If there's any medals, they'll be from sports days.
£20?
Yeah, £20. That's fine.
All right, it's a deal.
We have a sale.
Alright. £20, yeah?
Nice to see you, Trev. Yeah, see you soon, Jayney.
A bit of tagging, perhaps, Paul. Oh, yeah.
Age concern. That's your house, isn't it?
Is that how it's going to be?
You always bring up the ages stuff whenever I come in here, don't you?
Not the same when I'm giving your mum a wash in front of the fire.
Sounds romantic.
I'll be off then.
Love you.
Yeah, love to your mum.
You know, I think he's killing off these old blokes.
Yeah, well, we know he's been doing that for a while.
Ah, yes!
A new chest cam. Perfect.
Like a sort of bra camera.
Hey, UK Trenders.
We've had some great talent here on the show
but at three p.m. today,
we've got our final regional heats.
Stay with me on Trend Ladder for all the latest.
Hey Paul,
weren't you auditioning for that talent show
on Trend Ladder this year?
Mm-hm. Yeah, well,
according to the app, it says the heats are today.
Uh-uh, nope. They are next week
You should come and have a look at this.
No, they're definitely next week.
We've had some great talent here on the show,
but at three p.m. today...
That's Tapp. Yeah.
That's Jack Tapp.
Really? Yeah.
Is this one of your jokes? I'm not ready.
It's today, you fucking doughnut.
I'm not ready.
Jayney, Jayney, the auditions are today.
Jayney, the auditions... Jayney, the audition's today.
Oh, God.
Paulie, breathe. Calm down.
You look ever so stressed. I am stressed, I am.
Do you want to talk about it?
No, the Trend Ladder talent show auditions are today,
not next week, I got the week wrong.
The're today. I got the week wrong. Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah, can I go though?
Well, we're supposed to be having one of our sessions this afternoon.
We can't just...
Yeah, I know but if I go now, I'll get there in time.
Please.
Oh, all right. Off you go.
OK, thank you.
I hope it goes well. OK, great.
Yes, thank you.
We can catch up on the session another day.
Yeah, yeah, great. Thank you.
Just take your stress with you, eh?
This is panic stations. This is all systems go.
So what are you getting, the glitter?
What else? The chest strap on?
How much is that, please? This and this.
So, the whole rig thing there, that's £10.
£2.99 per glitter thing.
You've got about, what, 10 of them there,
so that's like, what, £29.99, plus £10, £39.99.
£10 is all the money I have.
£10, that buys you the chest rig.
Just this? Yeah.
Can I owe the shop for the glitter?
No.
What about just one glitter?
No.
All right, just this then. £10.
OK, you're going to need to take that off so I can bag it up.
What?
Shop policy, we have to bag all items.
OK, bag it. Bag it.
Bag it, bag it.
Hey, look what this says.
Brilliant. That's appropriate, isn't it?
'Have a nice day', when you're clearly not.
Please. Chuck her in.
Bag it up. All items must be bagged.
OK, thanks, Bruce.
Paul, before you go, quick photo.
Um, OK. Come on, mate. Photo.
All right, sure. Are you ready?
OK, what do you want me to... Big smile.
I didn't know it did that.
I thought it was a camera.
Why would you...
Don't forget us when you're famous.
Welcome to the Belshire Shopping Centre...
Paul!
...where we cater to all your dreams and needs.
Hi, I'm a bit loud, aren't I?
Hi, Clemmie.
You've got your audition. Ah, yes.
Are you in a rush?
Yes. Well, no. Yes, yes.
The geek meet.
Good luck.
Yeah, good luck to you as well.
Ah!
LAUGHS TIMIDLY
FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYS
Mum.
The audition's today.
LAUGHING
Mum, the audition is today
Paul, you're home early.
The audition, i's today.
Well, I was just having a teacake.
Do you want a teacake?
There's no time for a teacake.
I got the week wrong. It's today.
Oh, well the costumes not ready.
What am I going to wear?
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
Now, my costume's ready. Right, good.
So you wear your practice costume. OK.
And come down and have a teacake.
I got the week wrong, Mum, I got the week wrong.
How could I have done this?
It's one of the basics, Paul. Get the right day.
MUSIC PLAYS
What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear?
Jacket. Paul?
Those
Can you bring my big coat down, please?
Turn up, light the lights.
The only thing is to reach those heights.
HUMMING
Hurray! Yes!
All right.
Come on, Dorothy, let's get you ready for the ball.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
Yes, well, I'll wear my gold sequinned jacket.
Oh, perfect, yeah.
I don't know what I'm going to wear underneath.
Oh, we'll find something.
OK, Come on, le's go. Here we are.
Quick. Turn that thing up to 11, come on.
LAUGHING
We've caught a big one.
OK, let's do this.
Now, watch that step, that's it.
It's a long time since I've been out.
Oh, I just need my pills now.
My flas's by the front door.
Pills check, water check, matching awesome costumes...
BOTH: Check!
Fantastic. All right.
I'm really excited. It's going to be good, this, Mum.
Come on, then, we'd better get a move on.
Absolutely. Let's go.
Here we go. Here we go.
POP MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, wow, mum, look. What?
Jack Tapp.
Wow. Look at that.
He looks great, doesn't he? I love that pose.
Thoughtful.
Zooming in. Trend Ladder.
I can't get his face in.
Oh, you should say hello to the fans.
In this, yeah.
Oh, I've got no lippy.
Oh, don't worry, we'll do it later.
OK.
Hello.
Oh, Paul. Yeah?
Train.
"The train now standing at platform 2..."
Oh, I don't know how long that train is going to stand there.
I'll be OK. It's fine.
There's a ramp. Let's get you on the ramp.
Oh, yeah, that will be quicker.
Definitely. Oh, no, no, no, absolutely not.
Excuse me, sir. What?
Hi. Yeah, I just want to get the ramp
because I want to get my mum on the train.
You don't have this badge on, do you?
What? No.
Why is that, do you think?
Because my name's not Jim.
No, it's because you're not
the platform and customer relations supervisor, are you?
No. I am.
According to railway law,
you are not trained or qualified to operate that ramp.
Look, I can walk onto the train.
Madam, you are clearly disabled.
I will get that ramp down for you, don't worry.
Look.
It's going.
Oh, for goodness sake.
TRAIN HORN BEEPS
You've made us miss it.
The next train into town is in 35 minutes.
Would you like to book the ramp in?
Yes.
All you have to do is phone this number here
and book it in.
Simple as that.
We didn't have to go through all this.
You could've just helped us then.
I'm afraid my hands are tied, sir.
We've got to do this by the book.
I don't want to, but I have to.
Just respect my job.
COUGHING
All right, Mum? I'm fine.
Are we going to make it?
Yeah, yeah, we'll make it. We'll be all right.
I'll just call this.
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Hi...
I'd like to book the ramp for the next train, please.
Next train? No problem, sir.
I'll book that in for you.
OK, bye bye.
You wouldn't believe it, would you?
We'll be all right.
Are we excited to meet Jack Tapp?
Yeah
When I say 'Trend', you say 'Ladder'.
Trend! Ladder! Trend! Ladder!
I wonder what these guys' talents are.
BAD SINGING
I think we've got a finalist.
It needs to be faster, though, does it?
Well, I think, yeah, the step before the spin needs to be faster.
So it goes there.
Remember the quick one.
SINGING
Are you the guys that booked the ramp?
OK, well, I'll just get it down for you.
Do you want me to help? Sir, please.
Remember, this is for trained professionals only.
The train's there.
Well, that's the wrong way round, isn't it?
Come on.
Sir, you're not authorised to operate this type of machinery.
Can you please just step away?
It's not mechanical, is it? No, it's just a ramp.
Sir, sir, take a moment to calm down.
This is dangerous equipment.
If I catch my hand in this, I could have to take a week off work.
Please stand back.
You've got it upside down.
Madam, if it wasn't for you,
none of this would be happening, would it?
It's gone, we've missed it again.
You can't even do your job properly.
What?
You can't do the ramp.
What did you say?
Come on, Mum, we're walking.
Yeah, unbelievable.
He was so vicious, that man. He was horrible.
COUGHING
Have you got my pills, love?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's really upset me, that man.
Here you go. Thanks.
Oh, and water. I need some water.
I can't find the water.
It was in the flask. I know, I know.
You took it. You saw it.
I saw the water. I saw you with it. I must have dropped it.
I can't swallow them if there's no water, love.
No, I know. Because they're all chalky.
Yeah, I know.
I can't swallow them. I'm really sorry.
It's fine, we'll just get some water, no problem.
Where? Well, we'll find a shop or something.
OK. Easy.
BIRDS SQUAWKING
COUGHING
Are you all right, Mum? Yeah, yeah.
We'll find somewhere, we'll find somewhere.
Come in, we are open.
Slow down.
I don't speak your language.
Do you understand this?
Atsuko...
there is no honour in surrender.
SCOFFS
This is the nature of war.
SIGHS
Welcome.
Come in.
Sorry you all had to see that.
Well, yeah, I just wanted some water.
Of course, [Japanese]
Sit down, sit down.
Is it OK if I take it away, please?
You're not here for a tea ceremony?
- No, no, of course not. - Sorry.
Of course you're not. You can't have the water.
Take away.
Huh? Take away.
We did away with plastic centuries ago.
Is it possible to get a glass of water?
To sit in?
Yeah, just for my mum and her pills.
Accepting an offer from someone without ceremony
is very offensive to my culture.
Your culture?
Well, if we're quick, perhaps.
Quick enough.
GASPING
Well, I suppose as long as it's quick because...
Absolutely.
GASPS
Gets me every time.
Do you know how many bonsais
sacrificed themselves to make this box?
I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Water...
into cup,
it becomes the cup.
Water...
into teapot,
it becomes the...
Teapot.
Water can pour...
or water can crash.
Be water, my friend.
Isn't that Bruce Lee?
Ancient Japanese warrior.
Well, I think he's Chinese, actually.
Maybe born in America.
Silence!
OK, right, I think I'll perhaps just be on my way because...
It is impossible to interrupt this particular ceremony
once it has begun.
It hasn't begun, has it?
You haven't even started mixing the...
It's definitely begun.
The Bruce Lee bit was part of it.
Okay, look. This has been great, really good.
I've enjoyed that but look,
she's coming back, she's got a knife.
- Give me the water. - You're not having it.
SCREAMS
GASPS
Look what you've done.
I don't feel too good.
What shall we do?
Do you want to carry on?
We have to carry on.
OK, Mum.
MUSIC PLAYS
Are you OK?
Are you sure this is the way? You're not lost?
No, this is a shortcut.
Paul, Paul.
Nearly there, Mum.
You're so lovely, Paul.
I'm just warming up.
Here's a taxi. Taxi!
Oh, yes.
We might actually make it, Mum.
Amazing. Fantastic.
There he is.
OK, I'll just talk to him.
All right mate, where are you going to?
Just to the theatre, the other side of town, please.
OK, do you want to jump in? All right.
Oh, no, sorry, this is our taxi.
I just got this.
But there's only one car payer, my son.
I just flagged this.
The priest will be getting in this one.
I will. We were here first.
But many who were first will be last.
And the last will be first, my son.
Amen father. Mark: 10, verse 31.
You heard him now get out of the way.
What? No, this isn't fair.
My mum's in a wheelchair.
Everyone's mum's in a wheelchair.
We're going to be late for my massage.
What! Can you believe that? He's a priest.
Oh, darling.
Unbelievable. Are you all right?
That's not fair.
CALMING MUSIC PLAYS
Nice and warm in here.
Snug as a bug in a rug.
Well done.
I just love fucking people over.
Nearly there.
GASPING
SOUND OF CHURCH BELLS AND TRAFFIC
I think we missed it.
I'm not feeling good at all.
I'm so proud of you, Paul.
Are you okay, Mum?
That's Jack Tapp. Look.
I need you to analyse this because it's really freaked me out...
Go on, do us proud.
I was laying there in the middle of the forest...
Sorry.
And just crying naked.
It's cold.
WHISPERING: Jack, Jack Tapp.
Do you mind? I'm having a private conversation with my life coach.
OK, sorry, yes.
So I...
You're so cool. Look at that jacket.
Jack Tapp.
Can I call you back? I can't believe it's you.
Do you mind? I was on a private conversation right then,
and you just came in here and started talking to me.
Jack Tapp, it is amazing to meet you.
What are you doing here?
I'm here for the audition.
No, you're not.
That was like an hour ago. It's finished.
But you wouldn't believe the day I've had.
I don't care.
Sorry, Jack, car's ready. Great.
OK, goodbye. Thank you.
No, no, no, Jack, Jack, please
I've had a crazy time getting here. You wouldn't believe it.
The train guard wouldn't do the ramp,
then I had to do a tea ceremony, then the priest took my taxi
and then my mum got ill.
I'm streaming for the fans.
It's going to look embarrassing if I'm not doing something.
Sorry, did you say you're streaming live?
Yes.
Jack, he's live-streaming, so...
That's streaming? Remember, you're a nice person.
Hey, so what's your name?
I'm Paul Dood.
Paul Dood?
Dood. D-O-O-D.
Your name's Paul Dood? Wow, that's a cool name.
Thank you. Paul, Jack Tapp has a saying.
I don't know if you're familiar with it:
Everybody deserves a chance.
That person today...
is you.
You deserve a chance, Paul Dood.
Yes, thank you.
I'm going to give you a chance.
I knew you'd be like this, Jack Tapp.
Shall we switch places, Paul Dood?
Yeah.
All right, you come up here and I'll go down there?
OK, amazing.
OK, let's do it. Let's switch it up. Come on.
We don't have all day.
OK, just get up there, it's OK.
All right. Yeah.
Let's see what you've got, Paul Dood.
It's quite special. I've been working on it for a long time.
I think you've got something special.
OK, let's see it. You go for it.
I'm Paul Dood, and I'm here to get you in the mood.
Let's fucking hope so.
ELECTRIC DREAMS BY THE HUMAN LEAGUE PLAYS
Jesus fucking Christ.
I can't believe you let this guy in here.
You're supposed to protect me from people like this fucking guy.
You're so fired. Do you promise?
Fuck me. What is this, The Karate Kid?
Give him a chance. H's touching his ass.
Perfectly normal.
If we were in the States right now,
this guy would not have made it near me.
He would have been shot.
I think he's quite good.
Yeah, you thought that coat was good.
I only knew you for a while
I never saw your smile
Until it was time to go Time to go away ♪
Fucking hell. OK.
On that note. OK, OK.
Woo! Do you mind if I stop you?
Can you turn off your streaming
so I can give you some private feedback?
Really? Just turn off.
OK, it's off.
That was the best...
of the worst shit I have ever seen in my life,
and I have seen some terrible, terrible things.
I was in a house fire as a child.
That was a better experience than what I just saw.
Did you like it...
No, I hated it.
I hate you, I hate your song, I hate your dance
and I just hate the name Paul,
and you've ruined the name Dood for me, too, by the way.
Am I through?
You certainly are through as far as any kind of fame ever.
You're delusional and you're finished and it's over for you.
And shut up, Gary.
I never want to see you ever again.
But, I mean, there is more.
No. Paul Dead.
That's what your name is now Paul Dead.
No, but the thing is...
He's coming over here.
I could talk you through it anyway, at least show you
and explain because...
Jack Tapp, please, I've worked so hard.
Gary, get in the middle here. All right.
Go that way, go that way.
I could show you some photos.
Stay away from me. Stay away from me. I know Krav Maga.
He doesn't. Please, you've not seen the best bit.
Seriously, your Tinder date has fallen asleep, OK?
Please, Jack Tapp.
Dude, have some compassion.
I've got a burger in the car and it's going cold. OK?
I don't think your date's asleep.
I think you might need to call an ambulance.
Now. Let's go.
Gary, come on.
VOICE FADING: Mum, Mum, Mum.
Mum, are you alright?
Mum!
Are you OK, Mum?
SAD PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
I nailed that spin.
I nailed it.
You'd have been proud of that.
AMBULANCE DOOR OPENS
AMBULANCE DOOR CLOSES
Are you all right, mate?
Is she all right?
Hello? Ambulance, please.
SIRENS WAIL
SIRENS STOP
All right there. Stay cool.
Hold on, we just want to have a look.
Leave her.
OK, do you want to talk about this?
No, you leave her.
All right, I'll leave that stuff alone.
We've got quite an aggressive male.
Yes, it's my mum.
We will care for your mum. We'll have a look for you.
You cannot.
OK, well, we're not going to go anywhere.
We had to forcibly take the deceased.
We're returning with her now.
SCREAMING UNDERWATER
The doctor told her she had months left.
But she didn't tell me.
It's such a shame.
How are you getting on with your list?
I think she just wanted me to focus on my performance.
Because she always just sort of wanted to see me succeed, really.
Have you finished your list of grief objectives?
I don't want to finish the list, Jayney.
Well, I'm sorry, Paul,
but in my professional opinion, I think you should finish your list.
They don't just give out these certificates, you know.
What did they teach you about revenge on your course, Jayney?
Um, let me just have a look.
There's a whole box of Old Alfred's stuff there.
Did you know he died too?
I wondered if you'd like to go and tag it up.
Might make you feel better.
I'll give you a shout if I find anything.
OK.
KEYBOARD CLICKING
LIFT MUSIC PLAYING
Hey, Paul.
You haven't posted any videos in a while, mate.
What about your poor fans?
No one's messaged me.
Come on, mate.
"Paul, Paul, Paul, what are you doing?
"What are you up to? What's going on?
What's happening?
I'm just pricing up.
Tagging up stuff from Alfred's box.
Man, isn't it amazing?
Someone's whole life is just reduced to this box
And you're tagging it up. It's tagged.
"Whoa."
Oh man, Paul, have you seen what the tags say?
It says that on all of them, mate.
Have you twatted the whole shop?
LAUGHING: Paul.
Why would you do that?
Hey, Paul. I didn't do it.
If it was me, I'd put the C word on it.
It was you. I've got video evidence it was you.
Oh, come on, Paul.
Paul, I'm joking around.
Paul, come on.
"He's even put Twat on the police car."
DARK MUSIC PLAYING
I'm Paul Dood and I've just started my lunch break.
"Some of you will know about the events that happened last week
"that led to the tragic death of my mum"
and to me failing to reach the second round
of the Trend Ladder talent show.
The next train into town is in 35 minutes.
Would you like to book the ramp in?
Is it possible to get a glass of water?
To sit in?
Everyone's mum's in a wheelchair.
For too long, the strong have trampled the weak and timid.
If it wasn't for you, none of this would be happening, would it?
"But the timid's time has come.
"And I'm going to set the record straight."
Jim, you've reached the end of the line, scumbag.
SCREAMS
DOOR SLAMS SHUT
Oh, no.
Dishonour this.
Yes.
That's them there, driver.
DRIVER SLAMS ON BRAKES
Perfect. Thank you very much for that.
I'm definitely giving you five stars.
CROWD CHEERS
Thank you, goodbye
I'm so bored.
Name...
Paul Dood.
Paul D...
You.
No.
See what your fans think of this, Jack Tapp.
On this lunch break, I am going to right all the wrongs
that have happened to me and my mum.
You forgot to flush, mate.
'The next train into town is in 35 minutes.'
[indistinct]
Stupidity.
The priest will be getting in this one.
I will.
I hate you, I hate your song, I hate your dance.
Hey, Paul.
Hey, Clemmie.
I saw your video.
Ah.
It was good.
Yeah? Thanks.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
I'm sorry about your mum.
Thanks, Clemmie.
SAD MUSIC PLAYS
The train now arriving at platform 2...
It says here that you bought this ticket
with a senior citizens railcard.
Yes, that's right.
But you don't have the card.
I'm sorry, I must have left it at home.
Well, if you don't have the card, then I can't tell if you're eligible
for the senior citizens' discount, can I?
I'm 86 years old.
I don't know that, do I? You could be anyone.
The only thing you can do is go back home and get your card.
But I'll miss the train.
Well, you should have thought of that before you came out then.
Surely...
Go home, get your pass.
Jim.
Oh, it's you.
It's the end of your line.
I'm dealing with a fare, mate.
It's the end of the line.
Oi!
Fuck you, you little prick.
ACTION MUSIC PLAYS
Oi, come back here!
Sorry.
By the laws bestowed upon me by rail governors,
I command you to stop.
Oi, you little prick.
I didn't mean it.
Come back here.
"Sorry. Leave me alone."
This is a citizen's arrest.
Get off.
"Come back."
I know the law and you're breaking it.
You're under arrest.
What do you want?
This is a citizen's arrest. I've called the police.
I didn't mean it.
SCREAMS
"Come back here."
Paul.
Paul's still on lunch.
Jayney, if you look after the counter for a bit...
I didn't say you could go on lunch, Bruce.
I'm not eating.
But Brucey...
Leave me on my own, why don't you?
GASPS
PANTING
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Yeah, I know.
We should take our custom elsewhere.
I'm never going to go there again.
No, I wouldn't if I were you.
COUGHING
Are you all right?
Yes, thank you.
Did you fall off your skateboard?
Yes, I did.
Let's help him.
No, no, no, no.
He looks like one of them flashers, Mary.
I am.
You what?
That's what I am. I'm a flasher.
I'm having a practice and you've interrupted.
WRETCHING
If you don't go away, I'm going to get my dick out.
How disgusting.
Come on, Mary. Can't frighten me.
I've seen plenty of willies in my time.
Not as big as this.
Oh, you're just as bad as he is.
I'm getting it out. You better run.
Your mother would be ashamed of you.
SMALLTOWN BOY BY BRONSKI BEAT PLAYS
HAND DRYER BLOWS
Run away, turn away run away, turn away ♪
MUSIC STOPS
Clemmie.
HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING.
Why are you sitting in the dark?
Have you seen Paul's latest video?
What the hell is he doing?
Clemmie.
Great chat, Clemmie.
Very informative.
God, you're weird.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT
DOOR OPENS
You know what, you and Paul... fucking odd.
LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES
PHONE BUZZES
FANFARE MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHING
Come on, Paul.
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS
PEACEFUL HARP MUSIC
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS
MACHINE HUMS
Are you OK?
SCREAMS
MACHINE HUMS
PHONE ALERT FROM TREND LADDER
DOOR CREAKS
You.
The water thief.
What have you done to her?
There is no honour in defeat.
I am bankrupt.
Tea and tradition have perished.
You killed her.
The shame of failure belongs to us all.
You're a psychopath.
This is for mum.
SCREAMS
SPLUTTERS
Oh, shit.
OK, and what was he wearing?
Sequins. It was more like he was an ice skater than a skateboarder.
And what colour sequins? What colour sparkles?
They were blue at the bottom. Just shiny.
Pink, like he escaped from the circus or something.
OK. Thank you so much for all this information as well. It's great.
Are you an actual police officer
or just one of them sort of community ones?
I am a community support officer.
Oh, dear, that's a shame... Is it?
Because they don't really take you seriously, do they?
Oh Lisa, that's a point.
Hold on! There he is!
That's him! You dirty git! Get out of here!
SHOUTING
I've got a flasher in the park.
The coppers are coming!
White male, mid 40s, sparkly jumpsuit.
Can you repeat that? Over.
Suspected flasher in the park.
He's mid 40s, he's white, he's wearing a sparkly jumpsuit.
Copy that.
Can I just confirm that you said sparkly bodysuit?
What, like Ziggy Stardust?
Yeah, affirmative.
What's your location?
I'm on Lewis Street, but I've lost eyes on the suspect.
Would you say you're under under pressure?
Shut up, Steve.
How far off is back-up?
Don't worry, don't worry.
We'll help you catch this rebel rebel.
Idiot.
SIRENS WAIL
What an idiot.
SIRENS WAIL
This is for mum.
"SCREAMS"
Jayney.
What?
Come here, please.
I'm really busy, Brucie.
Jayney, you've got to see this. I'm watching Paul.
Porn?
Why the hell would I be watching porn at work?
It's Paul, with a luh.
You know, the weirdo who works here?
What is it? What do you want me to see?
It's this Trend Ladder thing.
You're saying this is Paul?
Yes, it's Paul.
It can't be Paulie.
Keep watching because it gets worse, much worse.
"This is for mum."
"SCREAMS"
What?
He told me about these people, Paul did.
What?
They're the people who made him late for his audition.
The guard and the tea bloke.
And what did he say?
He asked me what I knew about revenge.
And what did you tell him?
SIRENS WAIL
PANTING
OK.
"This is Paul Dood.
"Paul Dood's deadly lunch break."
Some of you might have seen what's going on.
"It hasn't gone... I mean, some people have died.
"The police are after me."
So I'm just...
I can't do it anymore. I'm not a winner, I'm a loser.
"Paul Dood signing out. That's it."
OK, I give up.
That's it, it's over.
I surrender.
SIRENS WAIL
Take me, it's over.
I give up.
Come along, Donald.
We'll leave the crazy people to themselves.
I think he's a bit of a nutter.
BIRDS SQUAWK
DOG BARKS
BIRDS TWEETING
SIRENS WAIL
KEYS JANGLE
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC PLAYS
Working on my backwards walk
Walking with no shoes or socks
And the time rewinds to the end of May ♪
Do you think I could ever win one of these?
Oh, you're much better than any of them.
Thanks, Mum.
If I won one of these,
with the prize money I would get you a luxury bungalow.
Like the best bungalow
The flattest bungalow that money can buy.
And an electric chair.
An electric chair so I don't have to push you.
'LAUGHS'
Why didn't she tell us, Rocky?
Why didn't she tell us she was so ill?
I know I miss her, too.
It'll be OK.
What do you mean you showed him quotes?
Well, there was nothing on the website about revenge.
What website?
My psychotherapy website where I get my certificates from.
What have you been doing with Paul, Jayney?
Practising.
'If you lose a big fight, it will worry you all your life.
It will plague you until you get your revenge.' - Muhammad Ali.
Mmm.
'Revenge is sweet and not fattening.' - Alfred Hitchcock.
Why did you show him these?
There was nothing on the website, so I...
What else did he say, Jayney?
Who else is he going to get revenge on?
There was something about a priest.
Jayney, you've really shat the sheets on this one.
And I say unto you
let me be kind to the weak and unable.
Allow me to deliver myself from evil.
And prepare thyself for the second coming.
EXHALES
GASPS
That was a bit of a mouthful.
PHONE BEEPING
"It's Paul Dood.
"Paul Dood's deadly lunch break.
"Some of you might have seen what's going on.
"It hasn't gone... I mean, some people have died."
PHONE BEEPING
I've come to say goodbye, Rocky.
I'm going to make things right.
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS
Is that the sleeve?
Well, it could be the sleeve.
But, you know, the whole costume is that bright green colour.
Yeah. Wait for it.
Ta-da.
That's brilliant.
Yeah, they really go, don't they?
Yeah.
I can't wait for your audition.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, Mum.
You do want me to come, don't you?
Yeah, of course. I can't do without you.
We're a team, aren't we?
What do you think?
Yeah.
DOG BARKS
Yes, that's correct, Officer.
Yeah.
I wouldn't say friend. More work colleague.
Yeah.
The videos. Yeah.
We've seen them.
On Trend Ladder.
His video's in the top 20.
OK.
Yeah, I'm sitting opposite her.
Here she is.
Hello.
Yeah, yeah, it was me he spoke with.
But I didn't tell him to do it or anything like that.
I just showed him some quotes.
Well, he said something about a priest who stole his taxi.
BIRDS TWEETING
Ground control to Major Miles, do you copy?
Go ahead.
Right, so there's been some ch-ch-ch-changes.
Give it a rest.
No, no, I'm being serious.
Your suspect matches the description of our man
who's wanted for two potential homicides.
What? Ziggy Stardust? The flasher?
Apparently.
There's going to be a squad car coming to meet you very soon.
Yeah, I can see it. It's here.
Right, I need to get you to St. Mary's Church
as quickly as you can.
We've reason to believe that his next target might be the priest.
I'd better get there before another one bites the dust, eh?
No, that's not Bowie.
Right.
All right?
Yeah, not bad.
We off?
Yeah.
Did you know Another One Bites the Dust isn't Bowie?
Really? Yep.
SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Raising money for the church roof. Please give generously
Church roof.
SOUND OF MONEY CLINKING
Father, could I have a word?
Yes.
Some of us are becoming increasingly concerned about the progress,
or rather the lack of progress,
in repairs to the roof of the church.
My son, all we're asking for is just a little more
from each of our generous partners.
Raising money for the church. Please give generously.
A number of us have already given very generously
Mm-hm. Yes.
I myself, I've given three thousand pounds.
Again, I say unto you,
it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle
than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Amen, father, amen.
Amen. Amen.
Father, people are asking for their money back.
We haven't even seen any plans.
God doesn't give refunds.
Of course, but we just need some kind of reassurance
that work will be starting soon.
Amen.
Builders. The workmen.
They're here to...
To fix the roof. Tarmac the road.
And then fix the roof.
Tarmac the road then fix the roof.
Have you been paid yet?
No, not yet.
I might go and nick their little collection box in a minute.
Ty.
CHURCH MUSIC PLAYS
So are you giving or are you wasting our time?
Amen.
Just a couple of pound. A couple of pounds.
MONEY CLINKING
Sorry. It's fine. Lovely.
May the Lord be with you.
Two pounds. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. God be with you.
Fucking idiot.
Raising money for the church roof.
Selfish cow.
Have you seen this?
Oh, mate, that's mad.
I know. Is it real?
Yeah, it's on Trend Ladder. Did he kill him?
Yeah, that's Paul Dood.
Who's Paul Dood? Oh mate, that's him!
Shit! Fucking Nora!
Money... GASPS
Father.
What do you want?
My son, what is the matter?
You're going to pay for what you've done.
Do I know you?
Are you from the parish council?
Devil, be gone.
OK, there is no church fund.
No!
It was a lie, but I promise
we'll give back the money to the parish council.
Out! Sequinned demon!
Good on you, Kath.
Kath.
Help. Kath, help me.
Get the buttons.
Buttons?
Quick.
I don't deserve to die. I'm a man of the convent.
No, no, no. Help. Help.
Get off!
Help me! Get the fuck off me!
Get off me, you paedophile!
SCREAMS
Fuck.
SCREAMS
SCREAMS.
SQUELCHES
GASPS
Oh, shit.
Shit. What are you looking at?
TREND LADDER ALERT BEEPS
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, great. Paul Dood has marked himself safe
in the local terrorist incident.
Well, that's good.
Jayney, Paul Dood is the local terrorist incident.
Oh, look, Lisa, he's a bit of a hunk.
Come on, you. Are you done? Come on.
Oh, look, we see them on the telly.
In that Silent Witness they've always got those things on, haven't they?
Now, what's going to happen next, I wonder?
Never seen anything like that.
It was the pervert what done it!
He said he had to smash his head in with a crowbar
because he was using too much teeth.
Too much teeth?
You know...
Oh, Lisa...
OK, yeah.
HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS
Clemmie.
Clemmie, Clemmie.
There's been a spillage in the shop.
Can you come and help, please?
Yep.
Who's Paul going to kill next, Clemmie?
Who's next?
Where's the spillage?
Listen to me, Clemmie.
Why is Paul Dood killing these people?
Clemmie!
You've seen the videos.
Yes, I've seen the videos. They're brutal.
Not those ones. The ones before.
What do you mean, the ones before?
She's seen how people treat Paul.
What the hell is she talking about?
They deserve what they get.
They deserve what? What the fuck is happening here?
Who's he going for next, Clemmie?
Isn't it obvious?
Well, obviously it's not.
Clemmie.
It's Jack Tapp.
Who?
F-F-S, Jayney.
Well, I don't...
Jack Tapp, the Internet guy.
Where's the spillage?
There is no fucking spillage.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
OK? See ya.
Hey, who's this guy?
I'm a huge fan. Oh, are you?
Can you sign my autograph book?
What is that? That's not my book.
I collect autographs in it.
What's your name? Mac.
Mac. The rules here, Mac, are you buy a book, I sign the book.
You go away back to your home and, you know, get on with your life.
I don't have any money.
Well, I'm sorry about that because I can't actually give you a book.
This costs me money, so you've got to buy.
Can you not just sign mine? I can't, I'm afraid.
You can find me on the road some other time and,
you know, we can rectify this problem.
Thank you. Sorry, Mac.
Aww, Mac. Bye, Mac.
Hey, how's it going?
Good, thank you. You've got a book for me to sign?
Um, no. No?
Do you want a book? Yes, please.
Can I give her a book? If you give her a book...
She's so pretty. What's your name?
Yasmin.
OK, Yasmin. So what are you doing, Yasmin?
What's happening around here? Where's good to go?
I'm just glad to come and see you.
You can give your number to Gary. Just see me after.
OK, thanks.
OK, Yasmin. Fucking hell.
"Well, the man known locally as Paul Dood
"is believed to be on a rampage after failing an audition.
"Joining me, a couple of ladies who I think are eyewitnesses.
"So what happened and what did you see?"
"Is it going out live?" "Look, there's the camera, see?"
"Ladies, what did you see here?"
"Well, it was more the body. We saw a huge body."
"We were just coming home with our shopping, weren't we?
And then he just got his dick out."
That's not true, actually.
That's utterly wrong. I threatened to get my dick out.
Just to get rid of those old bags.
And I didn't fail the audition
because they didn't give me a chance to do it in the first place
That is fake news.
What do you want from us?
Just... I don't... Bacon sandwich to take away.
I'm sorry, I'm out of bacon.
What?
OK. Forget it.
Can you believe that? It's on the news. That is lies.
Do you know what I mean, mate? Lies.
And you need to sort out your disabled access.
It's utterly appalling.
Look what you made me do.
Absolute farce.
I will not be back. No bacon.
"and some amount of forensic activity,
"but that's all we can report here from the scene.
"Now back to you in the studio."
"Thanks very much."
ENGINE RUMBLING
Yeah, yeah, you're good, yeah.
This one's going to be a nightmare to clean up, isn't it?
What does it look like?
You know when a sausage bursts its skin?
GAGS
It's a bit like that.
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS
Right, sir, you say that you recognised him?
Yeah. Where from?
I saw him on the telly.
On the telly? Yeah.
You hadn't met him before or seen him in the street?
No, no, never.
So only from the telly?
Just on the telly, but I knew it was him.
You knew it was him? OK. Yeah.
Do you have one of those clean up guys, like in Pulp Fiction
to, you know, clean up blood and guts in that?
Winston Wolf.
Sorry, what?
That's what he was called in Pulp Fiction.
Can you just rewind that last bit for me, please?
Description wise, let's say I'm 6"4, because I am.
Look at my hand.
When it reaches the height of the suspect,
I want you to say stop'.
Watch the hand.
You stop me.
I will. Which is the height?
Keep looking at the hand, don't look at me.
Was he smaller than this?
There.
Are you wasting police time, sir? No, that's how tall he was.
Was he a child? No, he was in a wheelchair.
What?
"We now have additional news from the developing situation
"with the murder in Finchmere,
"which has gone viral on Trend Ladder."
What's that? That's his wheelchair.
He had a wheelchair for some reason.
It was definitely a wheelchair, was it?
Not, like, a shop mobility scooter?
No, it was a wheelchair.
So the gentleman was disabled.
He might have stolen it.
You can't accuse him of stealing something, sir.
How do you know that?
Suspect is now in a wheelchair.
I repeat, suspect is now in a wheelchair in disguise. Over.
"He's wearing a brown coat and he has a samurai sword."
"Reports are coming in,
"he is dressed in a sparkly, spangly, tight-fitting green unitard."
Dispatch to all units, the suspect has been spotted
entering the Belshire Shopping Centre.
Repeat, the suspect has been spotted
entering the Belshire Shopping Centre.
What are you doing, Paul?
Paul, Paul, Paul. What are you doing?
What are you up to? What's going on? What's happening?
TREND LADDER ALERT
"Just pricing up."
"Tagging up stuff from Alfred's box."
Mummy, I want it.
Oh, God, not another one, darling.
You've got so many at home.
But I want it.
But you'll have to carry it all day long, darling.
Actually, you'll have to carry it.
How much is it? She can't have another one.
Daddy, can you please tell mummy that I hate her with all my heart?
Darling, she said to tell you that...
Isn't it amazing that someone's whole life...
is just reduced to this box?
and you're tagging it up.
Do you have anything more realistic? This seems a bit far-fetched.
It's a comic book, it's meant to be far-fetched.
A bit much for me.
Try a fishing manual.
We've got one over there.
OK. Pretty realistic.
Paul, have you seen what the tags say?
It says that on all of them, mate.
I think this might be an American book.
The fish look different.
I couldn't give two wanks where your fish are from, mate.
Have you twatted the whole shop?
Why would you do that, Paul?
I didn't do it.
If it was me, I'd put the C word on it.
DOOR OPENS
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS
Fuck.
DOOR CLOSES
Paul, did you have a nice lunch break?
I did, actually, Jayney. Yes, thank you.
Where's Bruce? Um.
Hi, Paul. Clemmie!
What are you doing here?
Waiting for you. Are you?
That's nice.
Where's Bruce, Clemmie? He's hiding down there.
Thank you.
Bruce.
Fuck you very much, Clemmie.
SIRENS WAIL
Bruce.
Police!
Drop you weapon, sir.
Drop the weapon now.
OK.
Slowly. It's cool.
What are you doing?
OK, everyone stay calm.
Where's Bruce?
Bruce.
I don't want to die.
Oh, for God's sake, get up, Brucey.
GASPS
Hi, Paul.
OK, Paul. Listen to me.
I need you to be calm, OK?
You made me miss the audition.
Come on, Paul.
We were just messing around like normal.
You know me.
I'm a fucking idiot.
OK Paul, you wanted to audition, right,
for the Trend Ladder show? Yes.
That's great. What was your act?
Quite hard to describe.
Music, dance, singing based.
But my mum, she wanted to see it but she didn't really.
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your mum.
I really am
but do you think she would have wanted this?
Not quite.
But she wanted to see me audition for Jack Tapp.
She did I think, but I wasn't ready.
Are you ready now?
Yeah. OK.
Well what if I was to get Jack Tapp here
and you was to audition again?
I mean, would you release some of the hostages then?
Yeah.
They could go. Um.
Weird man could go. Great.
Clemmie could go. I want to stay.
Do you?
OK, that's great.
Paul, I'm going to go outside.
I'm going to get hold of Jack Tapp.
I need you to apply full pressure to that.
Please don't take your hand off.
If you do, you won't get to audition.
OK? Good point.
I'm going to get Jack Tapp. I'll be back.
Just stay watching. Thank you.
How are you? Very well thank you?
It's very good to see you.
And you.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Look, whatever it takes, we need to get Jack Tapp down here.
Absolutely not.
He said that he's going to release four hostages
if we can Jack Tapp down here.
I understand that but... LAUGHING
it can be quite difficult.
He's got a hand grenade and a sword.
I'll figure something out.
Who wrote this?
Would you like some tea?
No one wants a cup of tea in this fucking situation, Jayney.
They might do.
Exciting. Keep...
I feel sick.
His video's like number 2 on Trend Ladder.
What? Number 2?
Yeah. How?
I don't know, everyone's calling for you to go down there.
Why would I do that? There's no benefit in that for me.
For the hostages.
Like I said, there's no benefit in that for me.
You could be the hero.
I could be the hero. Yeah.
Yes!
I could be the Super Jack.
Super Tapp. Tapp Man.
Tapp Man and Gary.
No, Super Tapp and Gary just doesn't roll off the tongue.
It sounds lame.
You could be Dog Boy, or Super Tapp and Grey Guy.
Grey Guy. Grey Guy then, let's have it.
SIRENS WAIL
OK, perfect. Thank you I will see you soon.
Alright, thanks.
Excuse me. Set up a perimeter 50 metres further back.
Alright? I don't want anybody coming any closer.
"Close all shops, shutters down, shutters down. Copy that."
'Police are locking off all areas
'and have shut down the Belshire Shopping Centre
'where there are now several hostages involved.
'The wild man who has been identified as Paul Dood
'is now demanding to audition for Jack Tapp,
'who is in the area for a book signing.'
CROWD CHEERING
OK, where's...
Gary? Stand back!
Where's Gary?
Gary?
Is Gary there? I'm here.
Oh, Gary.
Those English cops. Have you got my snacks?
I've got nothing on me, mate.
I need my snacks, Gary.
I'm going to get hungry.
You know I eat 17 times a day in very small amounts.
I know how many times you eat.
SIRENS WAIL
TREND LADDER ALERT
Paul, you're number 1 on the Ladder.
What?
No pressure then!
"Ground control to PC Miles.
"Armed response are on the way.
"They're going to deal with him when they get there."
Listen, you don't need to kill him, OK?
He's co-operating. Just give me time, please?
"Thanks for holding the fort.
"There'll be a promotion for you in this."
Hip baaa.
CROWD CHEERING
CROWD: Jack! Jack!
Everything's OK. It's all taken care of.
I'm going to get in there and save the day, guys.
All right, all right, keep it calm, OK?
Listen guys, you can watch me on the video, OK?
Go online and you can catch everything on there, OK?
OK, let's do it.
Just one other thing.
Um, thanks everybody for watching this.
This is a really dangerous thing that I'm doing.
Just hang on a second, OK!
I think I left something in the car.
There's nothing in the car mate.
But isn't there some water in there?
- I can get you water. - We've got water here.
You've got water? Yep, come on.
Did somebody say they wanted a selfie with me or something?
Me!
There's no time for a selfie, mate. You've got to save the people.
He won't let them go unless you go in, so come on, please.
Sorry, guys.
I'll be back later for a selfie.
OK, he's just in the shop here. He's in there, is he?
I can't do this. Sorry?
Tell me, tell me, OK
Do I really need to go in there?
You have to go in there, Jack.
But what if I just watch it from out here.
What's the difference? Why do I have to go in there?
Just be the hero, like we said.
Sorry, Jack. I just... I don't fucking care, OK!
Don't fucking shout at me, you little prick.
Are you a real cop or what?
What's he doing?
AUDIO FROM PHONE PLAYING
What's he saying?
"I don't fucking care! Have you seen that guy?
"He's already auditioned for me once. He fucking sucks.
"He's a fucking loser. Look at the way he's dressed.
"He looks like Ziggy Housedust.
"How old is he, like 40? He does not have it .
"He fucking sucks, OK. He's a fucking loser."
He's a fucking zero.
CROWD BOOS
Fuck you! You go in there. You fucking die!
You've got no fucking talent. You're never going to make it, OK?
Oh, brilliant. Wonderful.
They've all got that.
So shall we go in now and save the day?
You fucking moron.
You've got to come back.
I've got to get out of here. No you don't.
I'm having a panic attack. Gary!
"Gary. Fuck you, Gary."
I don't think you're a loser, Paul.
I don't think that either, Paul.
Yeah, neither do I, mate.
I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel that way.
I mean, could a loser kill four people?
And maybe even seven more?
On one lunch break?
What the shit, Clemmie!
Jack Tapp thinks I'm a loser.
Yeah well, he's a loser.
Who cares what he thinks?
It's they you should care about.
That terrified family?
No, Paul, your audience.
Yeah, man, you're number 1 on Trend Ladder, Paul!
And they're expecting a hell of a performance.
Mummy. Yes, darling.
I want to be number 1 on Trend Ladder.
OK.
Let's do it.
Go on, Paul. Show them what you've got, Paulie.
What the! It's OK. I've got strong knees.
SIRENS WAIL
POLICE WALKIE-TALKIES
CHANTING SOFTLY: Paul Dood, Paul Dood.
MORE PEOPLE CHANTING: Paul Dood, Paul Dood.
LOUDER: Paul Dood, Paul Dood.
ALL CHANTING: Paul Dood, Paul Dood.
CHANTING GETS LOUDER
This one's for my mum.
CROWD CHEERING
ELECTRIC DREAMS BY THE HUMAN LEAGUE PLAYS
Paul Dood's going to get you in the mood.
I only knew you for a while
I never saw your smile
Until it was time to go
Time to go away
Sometimes it's hard to recognise
It comes as a surprise
And it's too late It's just too late to say
Too late to say
We'll always be together
However far it seems
We'll always be together Together in electric dreams
We'll always be together However far it seems
We'll always be together In electric dreams
GUITAR SOLO
MUSIC TURNS TO SOFT PIANO VERSION
SOUND OF TASER GOING OFF
CROWD CHANTING: Paul Dood, Paul Dood.
CHEERING
Was that on camera? It's all on camera, mate.
Fuck!
I RAN (SO FAR AWAY) BY FLOCK OF SEAGULLS PLAYS
I walk along the avenue
I never thought I'd meet a girl like you
Meet a girl like you
With auburn hair and tawny eyes
The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through
Hypnotise me through
And I ran I ran so far away
I just ran, I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away
And I ran, I ran so far away
I just ran, I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away ♪
May you walk with faith.
Amen.
Something about Corinthians. I can't remember.
Sort of tangled in my belt.
Don't worry love. You'll make it. You'll get it.
Can't take you anywhere, can I?
Hey mother fucker.
Is this live?
You're live on television. We're going to be on the telly.
You're on the telly now. Oh look, there's the cameras.
Jack Tapp.
Fucking such a dick.
Shit in my mouth. Jesus fucked a goat.
What is happening here? LAUGHTER
Is he going to be sick? No, no, no.
Money. Church roof. LAUGHS
Sorry!
Money!
Get one of these or one of these.
How dehydrated are you?
Got you.
Come on in.
Come on. LAUGHTER
See what your fans think of this, Jack Tapp.
LAUGHTER
I'm going, Gary, I'm going.
Gary, hold me.
Sorry. Up you get.
It's not working now.
It's all broken. You've ridden it too much.
Mummy... Time to go.
I want another go.
Take this and write your name on it.
One to go for...
- I don't want to be a problem. - One for Alvin Stardust.
- I'll just drink it. - Only drinks water now.
You shame me. You look ridiculous.
Right.
And I really like what you've done with your eyes.
- Thank you, it... - It really brings out your stupidity.
SPLUTTERING
'Does you mum make scones?'
Yeah. 'Yeah?'
'Is her scone moist?'
Yeah. 'Really moist?'
Really moist.
'Yeah? You like eating your mum's scone?'
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So, £20 isn't it? Uh, no.
£10 if you take the tits.
Yeah, there's a lot of fond memories attached to those.
Really? Yeah, and you get the tray.
Yeah, but that's £5 a boob.
Bargain. Yeah, nice quality.
Bargain boobs.
What's his talent?
Are you the talented one, or is he the talented one?
He's the talented one.
- He is? - I'm just his dummy.
Thanks, Arnold.
Because I'm off to an audition, you see.
Yeah, an audition.
Are you sure you're not sat in a 70s car
cracking the big case
Taking photographs of cheating husband?
Big private eye with P on, Jack.
- But it's not... - Big giveaway.
It's Paul.
What, in case you forget your own name?
What does it look like?
Like when you throw a condom off and it just...
sticks to the wall.
A bit like that.
Like a cheese grater on like a...
banana.
Or like that time Gazza burst his banjo string.
When you fucked that kebab.
Messy.
I feel sick.
Would Paul like a hash brownie?
Or a cupcake?
- A water. - Would Paul like Speech lessons?
- This is a bit strange. - Does Paul need toilet?
I'm a bit nervous.
Look at it. It's really big, it's on my leg.
He's got his dick out, no.
Don't look at it.
It's too big to get out.
Co-op on the road.
LAUGHTER
What do you think about that?
The guys.
LAUGHTER
All right, take 2. We're cutting there.