They called them orangeries,
but they didn't just grow oranges.
They grew pineapples,
- figs, peaches. - Nice.
- I could go on. - Uh-huh.
Pomegranates.
Of course, you see here our famous champagne and gin bar,
and the French windows here
open onto our ornamental lake
- Wow. - and gardens, which are perfect
- for hog roasts... - Mm-hmm.
Or vegan equivalent if that's your thing.
Is there a vegan equivalent to a hog roast?
No, not really. I'll just get the key to the garden.
Thanks.
- It's nice, isn't it? - Sorry, won't be a minute.
Darren's in a flap about something.
- Mm. Can you do that later? - It's my work.
Yeah, I know. This is our wedding,
and you don't seem that engaged in the process.
I am. I am engaged in the process.
- Are you? - Yeah.
Fuck me.
So can you just... just chill out a little bit?
No, I'm... I'm chill. I'm Mr. Chablis.
- You're the unchill one. - What?
Do you want to book this fucking venue?
She doesn't like it.
I didn't say that.
You didn't say you liked it, either.
That is true.
This is all just lovely.
It's really lovely.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
I... look, I am keen on this...
This, you know, getting married.
- Mm-hmm. - It's just that work
is really mad at the moment.
No, I get it. I... I do.
I mean, you've done this before.
- Done what? - Got married,
had the church wedding, the swanky reception, the doves.
- Peacocks. - You had peacocks?
Yeah, and a monkey riding a flamingo.
Of course we didn't, or doves.
- Uh-huh. - Look, why don't we just get
pissed and sign on the dotted line?
Because I'd like our wedding to be a bit less like applying
for a car loan, while pissed.
I'll bet that's Darren,
- isn't it? Yeah. - It's Darren, sorry.
- Hello? Hi. Hello. - Fuck's sake, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's... okay, fine,
just yeah, patch them through.
- Patch them through. - Transfer the call.
Hello, Lothar.
Oh, can you collect Luke from Bear's house?
- Bear? - Yeah, he's a boy in Luke's class.
- Called Bear? - Yes.
Bear, though?
And Bear's having an eco-friendly party,
so park round the corner and say that you walked.
Mm-hmm.
Fucking Bear.
Yeah?
Hi, hey. I've come to pick up Luke.
Oh, okay, Luke, right.
You're his dad?
- Yeah. - Okay, thing is, dude,
there's been a bit of an incident.
Oh, is he all right?
He can get a bit overwhelmed at parties.
He's okay. It's just, uh...
I don't really know how to put this.
Luke pulled Bear's hair.
- He... - Pulled Bear's hair.
Oh.
Bear?
Yeah, this is Luke's dad. He's come to say sorry.
No, I... no, I've actually just come to pick up Luke.
- All right, Luke? - Hey, mate.
- Can we go now? - Yeah, one... one second, mate.
So hi, buddy. You ready to say sorry to Bear?
I think I can ask my son that, thank you, buddy.
Did you pull Bear's hair?
- No. - Right.
Yeah, see, the thing is, though, that's not true, is it?
- No, I did it. - You did it?
Okay. It was probably an accident.
- Right. - Well, okay, either way, mate,
I think you should say sorry to Bear
for pulling Bear's hair.
- Sorry. - Okay.
Is the car parked round the corner?
No, 'cause we walked.
- I'll have a word with him. - Right. Great. I appreciate it.
I know it must be tough having a kid
- who does this sort of thing. - Fuck.
Did Luke get a party bag?
He doesn't want a party bag.
Oi, felon.
Pulling hair is wrong, mate.
I mean, all violence is wrong,
but, you know, at least punching's a sport.
- Is it? - Yes, boxing.
Boxing's in the Olympics. Hair pulling isn't.
- It would be funny if it was. - It really would be.
Look, launching a studio in Berlin
would obviously be fantastisch,
but I... I just... I can't.
- They love you out there. - Ugh.
And want you to set everything up.
They know I've only got schoolboy German,
a thick schoolboy who always bunks off German.
If it wasn't for the... the wedding
and the kids, then, you know.
- I understand. - Yeah.
What if I offered you a 30K bonus
- as well as the partnership? - Darren, fucking hell.
Seriously, 30,000 pounds in money.
No. I can't.
It's just... it's... sorry, it's the wrong time.
I get it. I really do, and I respect your priorities,
but let me just say one last thing.
- Is it 40,000? - No, it's not that.
50.
- God. - You know what?
Bear's dad is such a passive-aggressive cockhead.
- I've seen him. He looks it. - Mm.
He called me "dude" and started going on about
how Luke pulled Bear's hair.
- Sorry, Luke did what? - Pulled Bear's hair.
Luke would never do anything like that.
Yeah, I know, I told Daddy Bear that.
- Good. - But then Luke admitted
he'd done it, so...
Oh. Should I talk to him?
No, it's all right. I talked to him.
- I should talk to him. - Why?
Is my talking to him not enough?
You're busy. I've got this.
Oh, on the subject of busy, you know that appointment
I made to see that venue tomorrow?
No, come on. This one was your choice.
Yeah, no, exactly, so I already know I like it.
I don't need to go. You go. You could take your mum.
That's a great idea. It's brilliant.
Except you know what?
I'm not marrying my own fucking mum.
All right. I am sorry.
I just... I couldn't get out of this meeting.
- Mm-hmm. - Come on.
- You know what a twat work can be. - Mm-hmm.
I know.
It's not a position I wanted to put you in.
I'm like Meryl Streep in "Sophie's Choice."
Sophie...
Hmm? Doesn't matter. It's a film.
She has to choose between saving her son or her daughter.
- Oh, right. - I mean, she won the Oscar,
but it was... it was a while ago. Anyway, what I'm saying
is how am I supposed to choose who in my section to fire?
Make redundant.
I understand it's unbearable, but we're spread way too thin,
and next year's cuts in this sector...
Will be brutal, I know. I do know.
How about seeing if Ben will take redundancy?
He's got two-year-old twins.
I mean twins who are two years old,
not two twins who are a year old.
I mean, obviously he's got two twins.
Were Meryl Streep's children twins?
I don't know.
- How about letting Rachel go? - She's just bought a flat.
- Manish? - Mum's having chemo.
Look, I'm sorry, Paul. I know it's tough,
but I will need a name by the end of the week.
I know.
Well, okay.
Who does Meryl choose to save?
Her son, but they all die in the end.
Mm. Might stick with "Mamma Mia."
Well, it's all right, Paul,
but why do you want to get married in a shed?
Hmm? It's a barn.
Why don't you do it in a proper building?
The church hall's only 20 pound an hour.
Chemical toilet, that'll reek like buggery
by the end of the night.
There's a Glade on the cistern,
but that's like sticking a corn plaster on a head wound.
Why do you want to get married in a shed?
Yeah, I just said that.
Why don't you get married in a proper building?
Yeah, I said that too.
We thought you'd never get married, didn't we?
All those girlfriends who got away because you were...
- Not needy but... - No, not needy.
- Needy? - We said not needy.
- Intense. - Yes, intense.
Your thing was always when you think
someone's gonna leave you, you won't let go.
Like a ferret down some trousers,
- jaws clamped to the old fella. - Yeah.
Right.
But here you are getting married,
- and it's a blessing. - Oh.
It's a blessing that should happen in a place
with decent heating and an actual floor.
Your mother's just spending a penny.
And by spending a penny I mean spending a pound,
- if you get my drift. - Mm-hmm.
Probably best turn the engine off.
I meant to tell you Luke pulled a boy's hair yesterday.
Why?
I'm not sure.
No, I mean why are you telling me about it?
Oh...
well, because he shouldn't be pulling another kid's hair.
It's good he stood up for himself, though.
- Maybe this boy needed his hair pulled. - I'm sure he did.
He seems like a spoiled little shit, but still.
Luke doesn't want to be a victim.
Yeah, he doesn't want to be a perpetrator either.
You've gotta be one or the other.
No, you haven't.
What sort of nihilistic bollocks is that?
God, you were right about that Glade, Jim.
God in heaven.
Thank you for coming in so quickly,
but, uh, when there's been a major incident,
the school does need to act swiftly.
Oh, my God, is Luke okay?
There was an unprovoked attack.
- Is he hurt? - Luke was the attacker.
Thank God. That he wasn't hurt.
Sorry, are you sure it was unprovoked?
Hang on, was it Bear? Because they have a history.
It wasn't Bear. I'm not allowed to say
which child it was... Data protection.
So you probably shouldn't have said it wasn't Bear.
That's true.
So how did Luke attack this mystery child?
Luke pinched him. Or her.
- Pinched him? - Or her. It left a mark.
- A bruise? - A red mark.
The child in question was very distressed.
- Well, then. - Okay, well,
- I'll speak to him. - Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
As is our policy, Luke will now be put on a watch list.
- Sor... - What? Like a terrorist?
It's teacher observation.
Come on, this is...
Imagine it for a pinch.
It's all getting a bit "1984."
We are living in a world in which nobody is free.
That's from "The Road to Wigan Pier."
Same guy, though, right?
Luke, you can't hurt your friends.
They're not my friends.
Well, you can't hurt anyone, really.
Well, unless they hurt you first.
No, not even then. You tell an adult.
But they don't listen.
Well, we'll listen.
You taught me to stand up for myself.
Of course, and you should.
Everyone runs away from me in the playground.
Okay, well...
maybe it... maybe it's a game.
It's not. They don't want to play with me,
so when they ran away from me this time...
- Mm-hmm. - I pinched the slowest one.
- It's not nice to pinch. - Well, it felt nice,
and it felt nice to pull Bear's hair.
- Well, I get that. - No, no.
You can't hurt any other children with your hands.
- Can I hurt them with my feet? - No. No.
No pinching, no punching, and no kicking.
- Biting? - No.
No physical contact at all.
Look, Mummy and Daddy are gonna sort this out, okay?
We love you so, so much,
and I... I don't want you to worry about any of it.
I'm not.
Okay.
All right, well, go and... go and see Granny Leah for a bath.
Good boy.
- My God. - Hmm.
I can't bear it.
Nobody likes our little boy.
Do you think there's something wrong with him?
- Like what? - I don't know,
like he'll become a mass shooter or something.
I don't think there's a link between pinching
and shooting, is there?
Lee Harvey Oswald didn't pinch Kennedy
on the arm first, did he?
- Towels? - Oh, on the towel rack.
- Those are your towels? - Don't towel shame us, Mum.
We're off to try the wedding taster menu.
I don't understand why you want to marry again.
It's not again for me.
Get married a second time for a mortgage or a passport.
First time round was so lovely, Ally.
Yeah, I wasn't there, if anyone remembers.
The setting, the reception, the lighting.
The lighting?
Oh, Christ, this is about my photos, isn't it?
I looked amazing in them, Ally. I was 15 years younger.
People asked me if I was your sister,
and only part of that was because you looked a bit baggy.
Wah-hah. Don't even...
- It's just exhausting. - I know that.
It's like deconstructed sushi but cooked.
I mean, it's quite nice, but...
It will be bigger than this at the wedding.
I mean, terribly, this is just 'cause it's a taster menu?
I hope so. I thought you're supposed to starve yourself
before a wedding, not at it.
Excuse me. Is this the actual size
it will be at the wedding, or is this smaller?
- Actual size. - This is actual size?
- Yeah. - It's actual size.
- I heard. - I... I...
I feel like the lamb felt bigger.
Did you think that? Did it feel bigger to you?
Because you get more accessories there, don't you?
The potato, the carrots...
Darren's offered me a 60,000-pound bonus
to take a lead role in the setting up the Berlin studio.
Fuck my old boots, 60? Six-zero?
I know, but it would mean being away during the week
for at least a month.
Oh, okay.
Maybe six weeks,
and then three days a fortnight after that.
- How is the salmon? - It is lovely.
Can we try the chicken?
Good times.
So... so... when-when would you have to go?
- Monday. - Monday?
But that's fucking Monday.
I know, and I've already told Darren I can't go,
and now Luke's going all chocolate orange on us.
I'm not exactly gonna leave you to cope with that on your own.
- You mean "Clockwork Orange." - What did I say?
Doesn't matter. You...
do you want to go to Berlin?
Chicken with a side of dauphinoise
and a pop of leek in bacon sauce.
Actual size.
I'm happy as I am, you know?
I don't want anything to change.
- Okay. So you said no? - Yeah.
Yeah, which is... which is the right thing. It's all good.
Right.
- It is quite small. - It's fucking tiny.
- Hey. - Luke's teacher
sent a note home in his observation book.
Oh, Christ. What's happened now?
He spat at someone.
Right.
Well, that's enough, isn't it? Spitting is fucking awful.
Uh, yeah, it is, but we've got to hand it to him.
- He's being clever. - How?
We said not to touch anyone with his hands.
He's touching them with his saliva.
Sorry, are you actually being serious?
Yeah.
Ally, it's spitting.
It's not exactly knife crime, is it?
It's gross, and it is completely unacceptable.
Thank God I didn't take that fucking job. I will deal with...
No, I'll deal with it. I'll deal with it.
You're right. It's awful.
I'll talk to him.
You spat at someone?
You dick, why would you do that?
You said not to touch anyone.
Right, is this behavior because you've picked up
on what's happening with Mummy's work?
What's happening with Mummy's work?
Right.
Because if it is about that, right, we can tell the school
that you're under stress, and they won't punish you.
They'll just talk to you softly.
Is it because of that?
- Yes, it is. - Good man.
And if you keep upsetting other kids,
I'm gonna burn all your toys.
You awake?
Decision time.
Well, that new grant-making trust Helen mentioned,
I think we could get a taste of that money.
- Mm-hmm. - And...
- I've already taken a pay freeze. - Admirable.
So you might not have to let anyone go...
- Great. - If you'd be prepared
- to take the same freeze. - Ben, sack Ben.
- He's fucking useless. - Really?
No. No. I'll take the freeze.
I don't want to put anyone out of a job.
Admirable.
I'm at the top of my bounce,
and I've not even bounced that high.
What?
Unless I change jobs, right,
I'm not gonna get a pay rise for three years,
and I'm not gonna change jobs
because no fucker is gonna take me on at my age
and pay me what I'm getting now,
so if our financial situation is going to improve,
that needs to be down to you and what you're doing.
You need to go to Berlin.
Well, how would you manage on your own?
I wouldn't, would I? It'd be a living hell.
But Mum would help out.
And it's not forever, is it?
- Of course not. - Mm.
You want to do it, don't you?
Mm.
And you still want to be my wife?
- Yes. - Okay, then marry me now,
before you go away, let's just...
sign on the dotted line and get pissed.
Mm.
Did you tell me this in bed so...
So I could get some sex out of it.
I'm not fucking stupid.
It won't be for long, I promise.
Are you leaving because I spat at Angel?
Oh, of course not. No, don't be silly.
- Angel? Jesus. - It is just that...
Well, with more money
we can go on, like, nicer holidays and things.
- Mm, Disneyland. - Well.
Paris.
I'm gonna miss you both so,
so, so much, but we can speak on the computer,
so you'll see my face every day.
But we won't be able to touch you.
Or smell you.
- Oh. - Hey, look, look,
you'll still have me, right?
I'll be here to look after you.
Just you?
Yes, just me, your father, hi.
- We're really doing it. - We really are.
- And now look at me. - We're not wedding wankers.
- No, we're just wankers. - Hey!
- Oh. - You do it after, Mum.
Actually, you're not allowed to throw confetti anymore.
Isn't it politically correct?
No, it's not good for the environment.
Apparently fish choke on it, or pigeons.
Right, kids, are you ready to see
Mummy and Daddy get married?
- Can we play on our iPad? - Nope. Let's go.
- Hi, I'm so, so sorry I'm late. - Hey.
- That's all right. Hello. - Hello.
- Oh.
- You okay? - So what we seeing?
We're gonna see that one, "Open House." It's German.
Oh, sounds really pretentious.
- What's it about? - I don't know, German things?
Probably the war. I've heard it was an abyss of anxiety, so.
Well, that sounds like the perfect first date film.
That's what I thought.
Uh, should we go in?
Well, we could, or we could, uh, get drunk on cheap wine
in the park and throw chips at the ducks.
Yeah. Looks like it might be a bit drizzly again.
Yeah, but this is the moment, Paul.
This is the moment where I found out
if you're gonna live up to that mind-blowing sex
that we had at Lacey's party.
- Oy, yoy. - Or if you're gonna turn out
to be a drizzly wanker.
Well?
See? This proves I'm not leaving you.
Yeah, but you are leaving me.
Sure, I'm literally leaving you,
but I'm not literally leaving you.
- Did I miss it? - Yeah, you did, yeah.
- Yeah. - Mind you, second time round,
never as emotional.
- So where are we eating? - Nanny!
- Ava. - Hey, Darren,
- I didn't know you were coming. - Oh, I'm not a guest.
I'm a interloper.
Sods all, I'm afraid,
but the money guys pulled the meeting forward.
What? What? What are you talking about?
To when?
- First thing tomorrow. - Oh, no, come on.
We should get on the next flight.
I'm so sorry. You must want to kill me.
Yeah, I do, a bit.
Paul?
Look, go. It's fine.
But I haven't even got any of my stuff. I can't.
Oh, Berlin is fantastic for shopping.
You know, all-new wardrobe, reinvent yourself.
Ditch old Ally.
- Listen, I love you. - I love you too.
- God. Kids, come over here. - Hey, come here.
Listen, so Mummy has to go somewhere, all right?
Eat your veg. Listen to Daddy, and look after him,
and mind the roads, all right?
I love you.
Are you really sure about this?
Yes, I'm sure. Go.
- Love you. - I will take care of her.
Not that she's a possession
or that I own her or that you do.
She's free to do as she pleases.
Sorry, this is maybe a throwaway farewell.
- Happy wedding day. - Yeah.
Okay, let's go.
Where's your new wife off to?
Oh, she's going on a honeymoon with her boss.
This is too... Oh, man.
Oh, for f...
- Mummy knows who Jelly is. - Well, can you describe her?
- She's Jelly. - Brilliant. Anything else?
A dolly, a teddy bear, an actual jelly?
- Mummy knows. - Yeah, I know Mummy knows.
I know that, but Mummy's not here, is she, Ava?
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but hey,
do you remember what Mummy said on the phone...
when she said that
even though she isn't really here,
actually,
she also sort of is because she's always thinking about us?
Okay?
I don't remember Mummy saying that.
Go to sleep.
Not surprisingly, we know that people live beside them.
Way back in the day from hunting and gathering,
when Britain was a wild, less populated island,
these would have been...
In the landscape.
I want Mummy!
Yeah, don't we fucking all, mate?
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com