1 00:00:19,184 --> 00:00:20,384 Cheers, Ned. 2 00:00:31,902 --> 00:00:34,841 Hello. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm good, yeah. 3 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:39,159 I need to get this inside. 4 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,798 Alright, everyone. We're gonna rehearse 5 00:00:45,799 --> 00:00:47,918 the top of the show in 20 minutes. 6 00:00:47,919 --> 00:00:49,838 Please let Danny and Deepak know. 7 00:00:49,839 --> 00:00:52,079 That's 20 minutes in TV One. 8 00:00:52,715 --> 00:00:55,055 - Balls. (?) - Thank you very much. 9 00:01:22,581 --> 00:01:24,260 What the fuck? 10 00:01:24,559 --> 00:01:26,841 Oi! Rioja? 11 00:01:26,843 --> 00:01:29,556 Do I look like Antonio Banderas? Danny! 12 00:01:29,558 --> 00:01:32,537 Get me a couple more and get me something Argentinian. 13 00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:35,295 Don't look at her, she's not Mum. 14 00:01:37,267 --> 00:01:39,718 Cheryl won't let me see my boy again, I know it. 15 00:01:39,719 --> 00:01:43,758 One thing, keep her and the boy out of the press. I promised her. 16 00:01:43,759 --> 00:01:45,217 We can fix this. Fix it? 17 00:01:45,219 --> 00:01:50,589 Fix it? It's happened, Robyn. These papers are being printed. 18 00:01:50,591 --> 00:01:52,878 Semi-retired codgers are gonna be driving them up and down 19 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:55,558 the country in their Renault Kangoos so the nation can enjoy 20 00:01:55,559 --> 00:01:58,512 my fucking breakdown with the Sunday morning crumpets. 21 00:01:58,514 --> 00:02:00,922 It exists. It's solid. 22 00:02:00,924 --> 00:02:02,981 It's matter! 23 00:02:03,974 --> 00:02:05,358 Hey, Danny. 24 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,628 Take it easy. 25 00:02:07,078 --> 00:02:09,169 I need a line. Danny! 26 00:02:09,735 --> 00:02:10,717 Danny! 27 00:02:10,719 --> 00:02:12,918 You can't do that there. What if someone sees you? 28 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:15,294 What? What? What are they gonna do? Go to the papers? 29 00:02:15,959 --> 00:02:19,078 Eh? Come on. Here you are, you bottom-feeding bastards. 30 00:02:19,079 --> 00:02:21,568 Get a load of this. Get! Get down! 31 00:02:23,898 --> 00:02:25,098 Sit. 32 00:02:29,671 --> 00:02:30,871 I've fucked it. 33 00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,352 I've fucked it. 34 00:02:32,597 --> 00:02:34,388 Look, Danny, 35 00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:37,478 I know that it may feel like 36 00:02:37,479 --> 00:02:42,798 the house is falling down right now, but... sometimes we need that 37 00:02:42,799 --> 00:02:46,295 so that we can rebuild from the foundations. 38 00:02:52,748 --> 00:02:54,188 It was him. What? 39 00:02:55,626 --> 00:02:58,545 Deepak did this. Sorry, what do you mean? 40 00:02:58,547 --> 00:03:03,678 He's the only one that knew, the little cock-nosed wombat. 41 00:03:03,679 --> 00:03:07,548 Yeah, he's making a play. He's jealous. 42 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,887 He's jealous. He's jealous of me because everyone likes me, 43 00:03:10,889 --> 00:03:12,598 because I've got the charm. 44 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,147 He thinks he's Billy Big Balls. 45 00:03:15,149 --> 00:03:18,206 What he doesn't realise is nobody likes Ernie Wise. 46 00:03:18,208 --> 00:03:21,941 Yeah! You take the funny man away and all you're left with is a boring twat! 47 00:03:21,943 --> 00:03:26,046 Yeah. You can't have Kenan without Kel. You can't have Cannon without Ball. 48 00:03:26,048 --> 00:03:30,179 You can't have... one Ronnie. Calm down. 49 00:03:30,181 --> 00:03:32,404 Yeah, nobody wants the Olsen sister. 50 00:03:32,406 --> 00:03:34,474 They want the Olsen twins! 51 00:03:34,476 --> 00:03:37,529 Yeah. Except for Elizabeth Olsen, but that's a different thing. 52 00:03:37,531 --> 00:03:40,210 He'll never be Elizabeth Olsen! I'm gonna kill him. Prick! 53 00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:41,412 No! Danny! 54 00:03:42,648 --> 00:03:45,111 Get off. Get inside. 55 00:03:45,113 --> 00:03:46,691 No! Calm down. 56 00:03:47,247 --> 00:03:49,007 Why are you so strong? 57 00:03:49,216 --> 00:03:54,318 Heh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! 58 00:03:55,378 --> 00:03:57,218 Saggy-baggy-bollock-bags! 59 00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:01,206 Help me! Ahh! 60 00:04:10,123 --> 00:04:11,421 Oh, shut up. 61 00:04:14,476 --> 00:04:16,715 What are you doing? What's that? What's that? 62 00:04:16,716 --> 00:04:19,301 You're gonna calm down and let me handle this. 63 00:04:20,356 --> 00:04:21,756 Don't fucking move. 64 00:04:23,417 --> 00:04:24,917 Sounded like it went well. 65 00:04:24,919 --> 00:04:28,230 You, stay here. Don't let him leave. How's Deepak? 66 00:04:28,232 --> 00:04:30,809 He's got this pious sort of 'I told you so' thing going on. 67 00:04:30,811 --> 00:04:33,315 I think part of him is relieved that the world finally gets to see 68 00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,955 the Danny he has to work with. Which I get, 'cause it's a fucking 69 00:04:35,956 --> 00:04:37,795 nightmare being partnered with an addict. 70 00:04:37,796 --> 00:04:39,755 Sorry, I didn't mean you. Don't tell me you don't 71 00:04:39,756 --> 00:04:41,828 have a choice to run it. I take it Caroline's here. 72 00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:44,275 I thought she was setting up mission control downstairs. 73 00:04:44,276 --> 00:04:46,875 Fine. Then I won't have a choice when I nail your ear to the front of 74 00:04:46,876 --> 00:04:48,875 a dirt bike and ride you face-first 75 00:04:48,876 --> 00:04:50,516 through a field of undetonated shit-mines. 76 00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:52,075 Belle! 77 00:04:52,867 --> 00:04:56,315 What's the temperature? Catastrophic climate change. 78 00:04:56,316 --> 00:04:58,268 She's raging at Reese for pulling this shit. 79 00:04:59,356 --> 00:05:01,283 You haven't heard anything from her, have you? 80 00:05:01,772 --> 00:05:05,198 Reese? No. Why would I? 81 00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:08,870 Have you got that deceitful muff chugger on the phone yet? 82 00:05:08,871 --> 00:05:11,002 She's not picking up. I'm going to break into 83 00:05:11,004 --> 00:05:13,832 a sperm bank and forcibly impregnate her with a firehose, 84 00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:15,957 just so I can murder her children. 85 00:05:18,716 --> 00:05:22,915 We had a deal. I want to know who her source is, and how in the name 86 00:05:22,916 --> 00:05:26,395 of Dame Maggie Smith's bleached arsehole we did not know about it. 87 00:05:26,396 --> 00:05:28,195 Danny, status? Uh, not great. 88 00:05:28,196 --> 00:05:30,155 He's flying over the cuckoo's nest. 89 00:05:30,156 --> 00:05:32,635 I'm not surprised. Within 24 hours, the nation is going 90 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,665 to be reading about the adventures of Danny Davis and his 91 00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:37,554 wee willy winky whilst taking their Sabbath morning dumps. 92 00:05:37,556 --> 00:05:39,795 So what's the plan? I've spoken to the channel controller 93 00:05:39,796 --> 00:05:42,204 and they have pulled him from the show. 94 00:05:42,206 --> 00:05:43,955 Really? They can't take the risk 95 00:05:43,956 --> 00:05:45,715 of him having a meltdown on air, and neither can Danny. 96 00:05:45,716 --> 00:05:47,275 He is on his ninth life. 97 00:05:47,276 --> 00:05:48,721 Well, what about Deepak? 98 00:05:49,042 --> 00:05:53,834 Deepak... will be presenting with Ashley Dhillon. 99 00:05:53,836 --> 00:05:55,155 The warm-up girl? 100 00:05:55,156 --> 00:05:56,698 Yes, it's all sorted with production. 101 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:59,250 She's green, but she's got charm. 102 00:05:59,252 --> 00:06:00,915 Either way, her profile will rocket 103 00:06:00,916 --> 00:06:02,515 after this, so we need her locked in. 104 00:06:02,516 --> 00:06:04,197 Belle. Belle, Belle, Belle, papers. 105 00:06:05,168 --> 00:06:08,275 Also, I want you to write Deepak a heartfelt statement for the top of 106 00:06:08,276 --> 00:06:12,515 the show. Ride the male mental health angle hard. 107 00:06:12,516 --> 00:06:14,036 Eve, he's yours. 108 00:06:14,038 --> 00:06:15,877 I was just heading over there to check on him now. 109 00:06:15,878 --> 00:06:18,794 Oh, are you waiting for your Uber? Go! 110 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,675 Jenny from Sky News is on hold. 111 00:06:20,676 --> 00:06:22,877 Mormon Jenny or Jenny with the gay husband? Gay husband. 112 00:06:24,276 --> 00:06:27,235 I want you to talk to Reese. She won't listen to me. 113 00:06:27,408 --> 00:06:28,608 Make her. 114 00:06:29,076 --> 00:06:31,536 Hi, Jenny. Thanks for calling back. 115 00:06:32,315 --> 00:06:34,068 How's things with Fabian? 116 00:06:35,357 --> 00:06:36,557 Ouch. 117 00:06:37,311 --> 00:06:38,511 Mm-hm. 118 00:06:39,996 --> 00:06:41,508 You cannot call me today. 119 00:06:41,956 --> 00:06:43,795 You need to tell Caroline to back off. 120 00:06:43,796 --> 00:06:45,591 She keeps leaving these angry voicemails. 121 00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:48,235 She makes Alec Baldwin sound like a Buddhist monk. 122 00:06:48,236 --> 00:06:50,515 You haven't told anyone I stayed over at yours, have you? 123 00:06:50,516 --> 00:06:52,675 Well, I did post this cute picture of you asleep on my 124 00:06:52,676 --> 00:06:54,395 Insta-story, but I only posted it 125 00:06:54,396 --> 00:06:55,995 to close friends. I'm serious. 126 00:06:55,996 --> 00:06:57,675 If this comes back to me... Chill the hell out, Robyn. 127 00:06:57,676 --> 00:06:59,917 I'm a journalist. We have anonymous sources. 128 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,158 Why are you calling me? I want an exclusive with Danny. 129 00:07:02,687 --> 00:07:05,517 What? Caroline is never gonna go for that. 130 00:07:05,519 --> 00:07:08,411 You stabbed her in the back and now you want us to give you an exclusive? 131 00:07:08,413 --> 00:07:11,028 No, you just stabbed her in the back. 132 00:07:13,785 --> 00:07:15,785 I'm sure you'll figure it out. 133 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,800 Robyn, I've been looking for you everywhere. 134 00:07:39,316 --> 00:07:42,635 Everything alright? Yeah. I, um - I need you 135 00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:45,555 to draft a speech for Deepak for the beginning of the show. 136 00:07:45,556 --> 00:07:47,714 Me? Yeah, just a draft. I'll prep and proof, 137 00:07:47,716 --> 00:07:49,075 but there's stuff I need to do. But... 138 00:07:49,076 --> 00:07:51,035 It needs to say that, with great regret, Danny will not 139 00:07:51,036 --> 00:07:53,475 be appearing on tonight's show and that over the next few days, 140 00:07:53,476 --> 00:07:55,275 there will be some revelations in the press, some of it lies, some of 141 00:07:55,276 --> 00:07:57,115 it truth, and that he's seeking treatment because he doesn't want 142 00:07:57,116 --> 00:07:59,555 his personal issues to get in the way of your entertainment. 143 00:07:59,556 --> 00:08:01,995 Insert joke here, blah, blah, blah, something about forgiveness, 144 00:08:01,996 --> 00:08:04,038 love, friendship, 145 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,145 poor Danny, poor Deepak. Big finish, standing ovation. Got it? 146 00:08:07,147 --> 00:08:08,421 Uh, no, not really. 147 00:08:08,423 --> 00:08:10,894 And I need you to get Ashley Dhillon to sign this. 148 00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,875 Ashley Dhillon, the comedian? Yeah, she's co-presenting 149 00:08:12,876 --> 00:08:15,260 and Caroline wants her on the books. Counting on you. 150 00:08:15,687 --> 00:08:17,141 I have to take this. 151 00:08:18,876 --> 00:08:21,555 Ruth! Oh, my god, thank you 152 00:08:21,556 --> 00:08:23,621 - so much for calling me back. - Rob, it's me. 153 00:08:26,129 --> 00:08:27,329 Mark. 154 00:08:28,610 --> 00:08:30,314 Can you put Ruth on the phone, please? 155 00:08:30,316 --> 00:08:32,075 Afraid she doesn't want to talk to you, Rob. 156 00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:33,793 I'm just ringing to say 157 00:08:33,795 --> 00:08:36,115 I'll drop your stuff off at your office on Monday. 158 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,035 Mark, put Ruth on the phone. 159 00:08:38,036 --> 00:08:39,955 She's not gonna speak to you. Sorry. 160 00:08:39,956 --> 00:08:42,710 What, so she's forgiven you, then? 161 00:08:43,516 --> 00:08:46,195 She can let you back in but she can't forgive her own sister? 162 00:08:46,196 --> 00:08:48,622 Because you made one mistake and you've spent the last 163 00:08:48,624 --> 00:08:50,143 three months regretting it. 164 00:08:50,145 --> 00:08:53,914 I think because I made a mistake, but I've spent every moment since 165 00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:55,475 that mistake trying to make up for it. 166 00:08:55,476 --> 00:08:58,195 Whereas she just makes a mistake, and then another mistake, 167 00:08:58,196 --> 00:09:00,232 and then they just get bigger and bigger and bigger. 168 00:09:00,233 --> 00:09:02,234 And unfortunately, when you 169 00:09:02,236 --> 00:09:04,515 make a mistake, you tend to follow it up with 170 00:09:04,516 --> 00:09:07,715 another, and another and another, and it just keeps going on and on. 171 00:09:07,716 --> 00:09:10,955 And then when you do finally forgive her, she just reoffends. 172 00:09:10,956 --> 00:09:15,475 Look, I think essentially, what I'm trying to say is that forgiveness 173 00:09:15,476 --> 00:09:17,975 doesn't seem to help you. It just lets you go on and on. 174 00:09:17,977 --> 00:09:20,337 Look, I know I fucked up. 175 00:09:22,223 --> 00:09:25,314 I have a problem. You do, and you have my sympathy, 176 00:09:25,316 --> 00:09:29,187 but you have got to fix it because it is hurting people. 177 00:09:29,189 --> 00:09:32,518 It's hurting Ruth. Hey, no, no, don't tell her about the... 178 00:09:42,523 --> 00:09:46,122 But there's a bigger picture, Rob, here, that we have to consider. 179 00:09:46,124 --> 00:09:50,268 We cannot allow volatility into our children's lives. 180 00:09:50,815 --> 00:09:54,181 It'll screw them up. You know that more than anyone. 181 00:09:58,863 --> 00:10:00,253 Ruth, please. 182 00:10:01,279 --> 00:10:05,467 Please, can you hear me? Ruth, honey, please just speak to me. 183 00:10:05,469 --> 00:10:09,221 Your sister loves you more than you can imagine. 184 00:10:09,223 --> 00:10:13,416 More than she'll ever love me, but she can't have you in her life. Not like this. 185 00:10:17,039 --> 00:10:18,239 Please. 186 00:10:19,359 --> 00:10:20,981 It's gonna break her heart, Rob. 187 00:10:21,785 --> 00:10:26,358 This is on you, it's not on her, and I'm begging you, if you do 188 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:29,747 love her, you will not contact her unless you can guarantee that 189 00:10:29,749 --> 00:10:31,386 you won't let her down again. 190 00:10:35,959 --> 00:10:38,238 I'm rooting for you, Rob. 191 00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,446 I really am. 192 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,091 Don't... 193 00:11:22,738 --> 00:11:23,938 Come in. 194 00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:27,436 Hiya! I'm Melody. 195 00:11:27,899 --> 00:11:30,200 I hear that you are co-presenting today. 196 00:11:30,901 --> 00:11:33,089 Jesus, I haven't presented a full show before. 197 00:11:33,091 --> 00:11:35,696 I'm absolutely dropping my doughnuts here. I'm shaking like 198 00:11:35,698 --> 00:11:39,482 a cat crapping an avocado stone. So, what do you do, Melody? 199 00:11:39,484 --> 00:11:43,456 Um, well, I am actually part of MPPR. We represent Danny and Deepak. 200 00:11:43,935 --> 00:11:45,771 What are you doing here, talking to me? 201 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,059 Shouldn't you be manning the lifeboats? 202 00:11:48,061 --> 00:11:50,497 Um, no, actually, I was just wondering if you had anyone 203 00:11:50,498 --> 00:11:52,937 looking after your PR. Me? 204 00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:54,577 I had to get the bus here, Melody. 205 00:11:54,578 --> 00:11:56,937 I can only afford single-ply toilet paper. 206 00:11:56,938 --> 00:11:59,096 I do not have anyone looking after my PR. 207 00:11:59,098 --> 00:12:02,491 Well, I think maybe in light of everything, you might want to 208 00:12:02,493 --> 00:12:05,284 think about having someone to look after your interests. 209 00:12:05,286 --> 00:12:07,692 Is that what you want to do, Melody? 210 00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:09,564 Look after my interests? 211 00:12:10,314 --> 00:12:11,514 I... 212 00:12:22,965 --> 00:12:26,724 OK, um, I saw you performing at the Edinburgh Festival. 213 00:12:26,726 --> 00:12:30,541 It was in a wine bar, to, like, six people on the free fringe. 214 00:12:31,275 --> 00:12:35,754 And you made me laugh so hard that I farted and I had to tell the guy 215 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,672 that I was on a date with that it was just a squeaky chair. 216 00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:40,995 Well, I'm very sorry about that. 217 00:12:40,997 --> 00:12:43,821 You've got more funny in your bones than both those clowns out there. 218 00:12:44,213 --> 00:12:46,054 This is a real opportunity for you. 219 00:12:46,621 --> 00:12:49,537 We both know these stupid straight white guys are just gonna fuck, 220 00:12:49,538 --> 00:12:53,159 fondle, faux-pas their way out of a job, and when they do, which 221 00:12:53,161 --> 00:12:56,933 they will, we need people like you in the wings waiting to capitalise. 222 00:12:58,085 --> 00:13:00,347 We can make sure that you're at the front of the queue. 223 00:13:01,639 --> 00:13:05,216 What do you cost? First three months we work for free, 224 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,736 and then once we've tripled your earnings, we'll talk about fees. 225 00:13:07,737 --> 00:13:09,896 Ooh, I like your confidence. 226 00:13:09,898 --> 00:13:12,824 I've gotta say, Melody, that was one hell of a speech. 227 00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:14,816 Feel like I'm in 'Wolf of Wall Street'. 228 00:13:14,818 --> 00:13:17,377 I want to go out and punch a dwarf or something. 229 00:13:17,378 --> 00:13:20,227 Excellent. Right, I am... 230 00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,404 I'm gonna leave you to prepare. 231 00:13:23,245 --> 00:13:25,581 Hopefully, we'll be working together again very soon. 232 00:13:26,053 --> 00:13:27,876 Yeah, I certainly hope so. 233 00:13:31,107 --> 00:13:34,141 Here. What happened to your nose? 234 00:13:34,143 --> 00:13:36,391 Oh, uh, it's just a spot. 235 00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:43,948 Do you know what? Actually, no, it's not. It's not just a spot. 236 00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:48,101 Um, I got my nose pierced a week ago, and I panicked, 237 00:13:49,058 --> 00:13:52,061 so I've just been wearing this plaster on it ever since. 238 00:13:52,063 --> 00:13:53,263 Show. 239 00:13:53,843 --> 00:13:56,203 Come on, Melody, you're gonna have to rip off the band-aid, 240 00:13:56,205 --> 00:13:58,034 both literally and figuratively. 241 00:14:05,102 --> 00:14:06,245 I love it. 242 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,816 - Really? - I do. 243 00:14:07,818 --> 00:14:09,697 Stop walking around like you've been 244 00:14:09,698 --> 00:14:12,455 punched in the nose and wear it with pride. 245 00:14:12,989 --> 00:14:14,189 You are cool. 246 00:14:15,098 --> 00:14:16,298 You are hot. 247 00:14:16,877 --> 00:14:18,652 You are a baked Alaska. 248 00:14:22,303 --> 00:14:23,503 OK. 249 00:14:23,546 --> 00:14:24,746 Thanks. 250 00:14:28,027 --> 00:14:29,227 Break a leg. 251 00:14:47,858 --> 00:14:50,771 Eve, relax. This is Danny's mental health we're talking about. 252 00:14:50,773 --> 00:14:52,817 Look, all I want is for my friend to get better. 253 00:14:52,819 --> 00:14:54,312 That's all that matters, right? 254 00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:57,724 Where's the teabag? Took it out. 255 00:14:57,726 --> 00:15:00,137 You took it out? Why would you take it out? 256 00:15:00,138 --> 00:15:03,322 Get the fuck out of here! No, no, no, leave the tea. I want the tea. 257 00:15:03,324 --> 00:15:05,737 OK. Have you heard from the channel head yet? 258 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,777 Does it affect our contracts? 'Cause the contract refers 259 00:15:07,778 --> 00:15:09,937 to us both, and I'd like to know if one of us breaches, 260 00:15:09,938 --> 00:15:13,091 does it void it for the pair? There you are. Where the hell is everyone? 261 00:15:13,093 --> 00:15:15,177 OK, so, uh, I'm really going to need to start talking 262 00:15:15,178 --> 00:15:17,134 through the set pieces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 263 00:15:17,136 --> 00:15:19,257 I've just signed up to a fixed-rate five-year mortgage. 264 00:15:19,258 --> 00:15:21,537 I'm digging into my basement to build a resistance pool. Oh, nice. 265 00:15:21,538 --> 00:15:23,937 We've just had a 3.5-year legal battle with the drummer from 266 00:15:23,938 --> 00:15:25,777 Def Leppard to get that pool. 267 00:15:25,778 --> 00:15:27,617 Had to agree to letting him build a driving range. He's got one arm. 268 00:15:27,618 --> 00:15:29,497 How does he even hold a golf club? 269 00:15:29,498 --> 00:15:31,859 Deepak, darling, I really need you to focus. 270 00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:34,511 - Danny's not going to be doing the show. - Excuse me? 271 00:15:34,513 --> 00:15:36,617 Yeah, excuse me? About bloody time. I've been 272 00:15:36,618 --> 00:15:38,779 saying Deepak should be doing this on his own for enough time. 273 00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:41,317 Haven't I been saying that? What do you mean he's not doing the show? 274 00:15:41,318 --> 00:15:44,217 He's a liability. He just relies on Deepak to do all the hard work 275 00:15:44,218 --> 00:15:46,697 whilst he's off at the Groucho Club hanging out with strippers and 276 00:15:46,698 --> 00:15:49,377 getting women to blow cocaine up his arse with a straw. Narinda. Ahem. 277 00:15:49,378 --> 00:15:52,377 What? You told me he got a girl to blow cocaine up his arse 278 00:15:52,378 --> 00:15:55,137 with a straw. And I told you that in confidence. Wait, wait. 279 00:15:55,138 --> 00:15:59,577 Can we just rewind a second? Danny is not doing the show, at all? 280 00:15:59,578 --> 00:16:02,399 No. Ashley Dhillon is gonna do it. What? 281 00:16:02,401 --> 00:16:05,550 Ashley Dhillon? Is she even funny? Oh, she is great. 282 00:16:05,552 --> 00:16:08,249 Have you not seen her? Wait, wait. No, no, wait. 283 00:16:08,251 --> 00:16:11,297 Mine and Danny's energy is a very much boy-on-boy chemistry. 284 00:16:11,299 --> 00:16:14,217 We have a very laddie, cheeky chappy boys next door thing going on. 285 00:16:14,218 --> 00:16:16,378 Girls can live next door. Girls aren't funny. 286 00:16:17,251 --> 00:16:19,290 Ahh. Sorry, I don't... 287 00:16:19,292 --> 00:16:21,458 Don't Tweet that. I didn't mean... 288 00:16:21,460 --> 00:16:24,188 What I meant was, on the whole, 289 00:16:24,767 --> 00:16:28,861 the general public doesn't find girls funny. That's what I meant. 290 00:16:29,778 --> 00:16:32,217 Sure. That's much better. 291 00:16:32,218 --> 00:16:34,337 Look, Ashley's great. 292 00:16:34,338 --> 00:16:37,577 We have a script. We just need to make sure you get through the show 293 00:16:37,579 --> 00:16:38,964 without any major meltdowns. 294 00:16:46,218 --> 00:16:49,137 I'm sorry, dear, who exactly are you again? 'Cause I'm George. 295 00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:51,257 I'm the director. I'm running this show, 296 00:16:51,258 --> 00:16:52,977 and this is the first I'm hearing about it, 297 00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:54,817 so maybe you could tell me who's making these decisions. 298 00:16:54,818 --> 00:16:56,937 I'm Eve. We look after Danny and Deepak's PR. 299 00:16:56,938 --> 00:17:00,137 PR. Right. So we're employed by them 300 00:17:00,138 --> 00:17:02,937 and the network, so that's essentially, yes, your boss's 301 00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:06,297 boss's boss, to make sure that they remain the unstoppable money-making 302 00:17:06,298 --> 00:17:09,897 presenting duo that bring in 75% of this channel's advertising revenue. 303 00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:13,208 Oh, and keep shit-kickers like you in a job, dear. 304 00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:24,086 I'm not sure about this. 305 00:17:24,088 --> 00:17:26,355 Danny's in no fit state to present a TV show. 306 00:17:26,357 --> 00:17:28,097 I've seen him present four hours of children's television 307 00:17:28,098 --> 00:17:29,897 on 1.5g of ketamine. The man's a machine. 308 00:17:29,898 --> 00:17:32,370 Why can't he just do the show on his own, huh? 309 00:17:32,372 --> 00:17:33,737 Anyone else hot? 310 00:17:33,738 --> 00:17:36,551 Eve, have you seen Melody? I haven't seen her since earlier. 311 00:17:36,553 --> 00:17:38,617 What happened to your face? Did a pollen bomb go off? 312 00:17:38,618 --> 00:17:41,844 Where is Danny? Have you seen him? Um, yeah, he's, uh, in his room. 313 00:17:41,846 --> 00:17:45,456 He's feeling a little... stressed. He's - he's stressed? 314 00:17:45,458 --> 00:17:48,537 Course he is. Classic Danny fucking Davis. 315 00:17:48,538 --> 00:17:51,616 He's stressed 'cause I've gotta go out there and present a show live 316 00:17:51,618 --> 00:17:53,537 to 9 million people without him. 317 00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:54,838 Excuse me, excuse me. 318 00:17:58,593 --> 00:18:02,034 He's fine. He always does this. It's good luck. 319 00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:06,050 Can we get... Can we get a runner in there, please? 320 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:09,178 It needs sorting out 'cause I threw up in the sink. 321 00:18:10,470 --> 00:18:12,349 I don't know why I threw up in the sink 'cause 322 00:18:12,351 --> 00:18:15,057 there's a toilet right next to it. OK, Deepak, dude, 323 00:18:15,058 --> 00:18:16,977 you've got to get your shit together. Yeah. 324 00:18:16,978 --> 00:18:18,977 You got this, OK? OK. 325 00:18:18,978 --> 00:18:21,131 We'll sort the sink, Deepak, OK? 326 00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:24,577 Just have yourself a little sit down, get yourself together. 327 00:18:24,578 --> 00:18:26,885 Hey, look, if he does do the show on his own, 328 00:18:26,887 --> 00:18:28,429 does that mean he gets paid more? 329 00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:36,284 Can I steal a cigarette? 330 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:38,899 Back on the hard stuff, eh? 331 00:18:38,901 --> 00:18:41,861 Is Deepak gonna be OK? He's gonna have to be. 332 00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:45,811 So, um, turns out you were right. 333 00:18:46,294 --> 00:18:50,479 Gabriel's as much of a pro tool as all the others. I know, right? 334 00:18:50,481 --> 00:18:55,097 Handsome, sexy billionaire turns out to actually be a massive dick. 335 00:18:55,098 --> 00:18:57,377 I don't actually enjoy being right about these things. 336 00:18:57,378 --> 00:18:59,179 Well, I know that's a lie. 337 00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:02,616 Are you OK? Yeah. How are you? 338 00:19:02,618 --> 00:19:04,308 Oh, there's Melody. 339 00:19:05,463 --> 00:19:07,483 Did you and Ruth work things out? 340 00:19:07,986 --> 00:19:10,616 Yep. All sorted. Oh, see? 341 00:19:10,618 --> 00:19:14,070 What did I tell you? Sisters - you'll always work it out. 342 00:19:14,906 --> 00:19:16,106 Melody. 343 00:19:18,086 --> 00:19:20,538 Hey. Have you finished Deepak's statement? 344 00:19:20,540 --> 00:19:22,310 I thought you were doing that. Uhm... 345 00:19:22,312 --> 00:19:24,592 - I'm just a bit stuck. - What's the matter with you? 346 00:19:24,594 --> 00:19:26,512 You look like you've been caught masturbating over 347 00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,952 - your brother's baby album. - I'm fine. I'm just working. 348 00:19:28,954 --> 00:19:30,902 - Why are you covering your face? - I'm not covering my face. 349 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,583 - Why are you holding your laptop like that? - I'm reading. 350 00:19:34,852 --> 00:19:40,642 What in Tina Turner's tiny tits has happened to your nose? 351 00:19:41,041 --> 00:19:42,754 Is that a piercing? 352 00:19:43,034 --> 00:19:45,700 It's like Winnie the Pooh getting a neck tattoo. 353 00:19:45,702 --> 00:19:48,500 Oh, ha-ha. OK, guys, come on. 354 00:19:48,502 --> 00:19:49,741 What have you got so far? 355 00:19:51,861 --> 00:19:55,220 "Hello, ladies and gentlemen." Is that it? 356 00:19:55,221 --> 00:19:58,060 Well, I tried a bunch of other stuff and it all sounded disingenuous. 357 00:19:58,061 --> 00:20:00,300 It is disingenuous. You're a 25-year-old 358 00:20:00,301 --> 00:20:03,986 Scottish girl writing a heartfelt speech on behalf of a 37-year-old 359 00:20:03,988 --> 00:20:06,307 half-Pakistani male TV presenter. 360 00:20:06,309 --> 00:20:08,028 We are disingenuous. 361 00:20:08,030 --> 00:20:10,949 You can't spell 'unscrupulous' without a 'P' and an 'R'. 362 00:20:11,261 --> 00:20:15,340 - Very clever. - Yes, I know. Caroline said it once. 363 00:20:15,342 --> 00:20:17,638 I've been waiting for an opportunity to use it since. 364 00:20:18,823 --> 00:20:21,702 - Can I have one of those? - But if you have one of these, 365 00:20:21,704 --> 00:20:25,097 will smoke come out of the hole in your nose like a pixie's chimney? 366 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:26,299 Oh... 367 00:20:31,340 --> 00:20:33,981 Oh, god. Jesus. Look, she's just gonna leave another 368 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,142 message saying absolutely nothing. 369 00:20:36,144 --> 00:20:37,856 Just, "It's Mum." 370 00:20:38,461 --> 00:20:42,060 She's already left messages saying, "It's Mum," three of them. 371 00:20:42,061 --> 00:20:44,260 I mean, she has a phone. She knows how voice-mail works. 372 00:20:44,261 --> 00:20:46,180 She knows that leaving multiple messages 373 00:20:46,181 --> 00:20:48,780 just means I have to sit through, "It's Mum." 374 00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:52,405 That's the thing about mothers. They're like Terminators. 375 00:20:53,501 --> 00:20:56,031 They can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with, 376 00:20:56,033 --> 00:21:00,621 they don't feel pity or fear or remorse, and they absolutely will not stop, 377 00:21:00,623 --> 00:21:03,343 ever, until you're dead. 378 00:21:05,143 --> 00:21:06,844 I'm sorry about your dad. 379 00:21:07,221 --> 00:21:10,341 Um, sorry about your... stuff. 380 00:21:12,169 --> 00:21:16,406 I'm going to request that neither of you are sorry about my breakup. 381 00:21:17,221 --> 00:21:20,075 Dodged a bullet, definitely, and I got three pairs of shoes 382 00:21:20,077 --> 00:21:22,307 out of it so, ultimately, I'm up. 383 00:21:26,261 --> 00:21:29,140 Does anyone want a fun-size Milky Way? 384 00:21:44,651 --> 00:21:46,330 Where's my fucking coffee? 385 00:21:46,331 --> 00:21:49,132 Oh! Why is there a Dexys Midnight Runner here? 386 00:21:49,134 --> 00:21:50,970 Belle, clean her up and get me another coffee. 387 00:21:50,972 --> 00:21:53,350 Actually, it's 'they'. Excuse me? 388 00:21:53,352 --> 00:21:55,769 I mean, it's not 'her', it's 'they'. 389 00:21:55,771 --> 00:21:57,802 Oh. Oh, is it? I'm dreadfully sorry. 390 00:21:57,804 --> 00:22:00,792 Well, if they don't get off their skinny little beret-wearing arse 391 00:22:00,794 --> 00:22:04,295 and make us another coffee, proper pronouns will be the least 392 00:22:04,297 --> 00:22:08,050 of their worries. Coffee! And I want it blacker and stronger 393 00:22:08,058 --> 00:22:10,518 - than a Senegalese body builder. Got it? - Yeah. 394 00:22:14,290 --> 00:22:16,618 What's Twitter saying about Cheryl and Danny? 395 00:22:16,620 --> 00:22:18,999 I'd say, on the whole, it's still supportive. 396 00:22:19,001 --> 00:22:22,809 30%, "I don't believe it." 20%, "Boys will be boys." 397 00:22:22,811 --> 00:22:24,410 And 40%, "It's entrapment." 398 00:22:24,411 --> 00:22:27,691 And the other 10%? "She's not even that fit." 399 00:22:28,373 --> 00:22:29,573 Shit. 400 00:22:31,535 --> 00:22:34,043 - Yes? - How's my favourite step-mum? 401 00:22:34,045 --> 00:22:36,502 Damian, um, I'm right in the middle of something so I can't really... 402 00:22:36,503 --> 00:22:38,248 The big finale. I thought you might be. 403 00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:41,369 What a nightmare, eh? Still, boys will be boys. 404 00:22:41,371 --> 00:22:42,904 As much as I'd love to chat... 405 00:22:42,906 --> 00:22:45,545 Oh, don't worry, this won't take long. I just wanted to pick up 406 00:22:45,547 --> 00:22:48,027 a few documents, so I dropped by the office. 407 00:22:48,029 --> 00:22:51,242 I hope you don't mind. What did you just say? 408 00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:54,347 The doorman was cool about letting me in. I guess it helps when 409 00:22:54,349 --> 00:22:57,329 - your name's on the sign, right? - Damian, Damian... 410 00:22:57,331 --> 00:23:01,090 Oh, this is a cute picture of you and Dad. Can I get a copy? 411 00:23:01,091 --> 00:23:03,610 Get out of my office. It's a shame you're not around 412 00:23:03,611 --> 00:23:05,589 for coffee. Would have been nice to catch up. 413 00:23:05,591 --> 00:23:07,418 If you touch anything in my office... 414 00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:11,388 So, anyway, I had a chat with our lawyers and, apparently, if a major 415 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:14,902 shareholder wanted to get rid of a company director without risking 416 00:23:14,904 --> 00:23:18,210 a major litigation for unfair dismissal, then they'd have 417 00:23:18,211 --> 00:23:21,010 to offer proof of gross misconduct. 418 00:23:21,011 --> 00:23:23,410 Damian, don't do this. 419 00:23:23,411 --> 00:23:25,808 "What would constitute as gross misconduct?" I hear you ask. 420 00:23:25,810 --> 00:23:30,329 Well, apparently, evidence of anything unprofessional or illegal. 421 00:23:30,331 --> 00:23:33,986 You know, like bribery, blackmail, interfering with police 422 00:23:33,988 --> 00:23:37,411 investigations, harassment, defamation. 423 00:23:37,772 --> 00:23:39,765 All that kind of grubby stuff. 424 00:23:40,936 --> 00:23:42,493 Damian, listen. 425 00:23:43,091 --> 00:23:45,178 I'm begging you, don't do this. 426 00:23:45,180 --> 00:23:48,202 It isn't easy, but apparently, if you can offer proof of such 427 00:23:48,204 --> 00:23:53,044 behaviour, then actually removing someone from their position 428 00:23:53,046 --> 00:23:56,930 is actually quite straightforward. 429 00:23:56,931 --> 00:24:00,141 Obviously, what usually happens is both parties get into a room 430 00:24:00,143 --> 00:24:03,405 and talk to each other and try to come to some sort of mutually 431 00:24:03,407 --> 00:24:07,304 beneficial agreement, which allows both parties to get what they want, 432 00:24:07,306 --> 00:24:09,210 whilst not having to go through 433 00:24:09,211 --> 00:24:12,250 the embarrassing and costly rigmarole of a court case. 434 00:24:12,251 --> 00:24:13,921 So, anyway, on a completely 435 00:24:13,923 --> 00:24:16,488 unrelated matter, I was wondering if I could take you for dinner. 436 00:24:16,490 --> 00:24:19,494 Are you around next week? How about Wednesday? 437 00:24:19,496 --> 00:24:22,084 You know, I think I might have a flair for this kind of work. 438 00:24:22,086 --> 00:24:24,496 I wonder if I get that from Dad or you. 439 00:24:36,103 --> 00:24:38,731 Belle. Call the lawyers. 440 00:24:40,394 --> 00:24:41,980 We're going to war. 441 00:24:55,476 --> 00:24:56,676 Danny? 442 00:25:02,014 --> 00:25:03,214 Oh, fuck... 443 00:25:03,898 --> 00:25:05,098 Danny? 444 00:25:34,851 --> 00:25:39,090 OK. So, obviously, the script has changed to accommodate 445 00:25:39,091 --> 00:25:43,374 the new situation but the set pieces are all as previously discussed. 446 00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:46,669 So the plan is just to run things absolutely as normal. Sound good? 447 00:25:50,437 --> 00:25:53,077 Deepak, darling, I've got your opening statement here. 448 00:25:56,912 --> 00:25:59,680 Are they gonna change the, uh, autocue? 449 00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:04,211 Sorry? Are we - are we still 450 00:26:04,213 --> 00:26:07,370 gonna have Danny's lines on the, um, the autocue? 451 00:26:07,371 --> 00:26:09,979 'Cause I think if he's not gonna be here, 452 00:26:10,769 --> 00:26:12,609 it's gonna be kind of confusing. 453 00:26:14,725 --> 00:26:17,247 Um, no, I'm sure they're going to change the autocue. 454 00:26:17,794 --> 00:26:22,440 Deepak, are you OK? Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm good. 455 00:26:22,442 --> 00:26:26,100 Narinda gave me, like, quite a few of her beta-blockers, 456 00:26:26,102 --> 00:26:28,490 because I was - I was having a teeny-weeny panic attack. 457 00:26:28,491 --> 00:26:30,031 But I'm fine now. 458 00:26:30,033 --> 00:26:35,443 Feel good! Do I look OK? 'Cause I feel kind of thembly. 459 00:26:39,021 --> 00:26:43,522 Sorry, darling, you feel what? Thembly. Thambly. Is that a word? 460 00:26:43,663 --> 00:26:48,640 I don't think that's a word. What word am I thinking of? 461 00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:53,450 Thembly. Thumbly. Themb... 462 00:26:53,451 --> 00:26:56,034 No, Deepak, darling, I really need you to get it together 463 00:26:56,036 --> 00:26:58,157 because there are a lot of people counting on you here. 464 00:26:58,158 --> 00:27:00,526 I can get it - I can get it together. 465 00:27:01,211 --> 00:27:02,850 I'm a professional. 466 00:27:02,851 --> 00:27:05,690 We need to get him some coffee, and none of this instant crap, OK? 467 00:27:05,691 --> 00:27:07,411 Kill-a-horse coffee. 468 00:27:07,413 --> 00:27:09,373 Thembly. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to - thembly. No. 469 00:27:09,374 --> 00:27:11,304 Will you check this and get it loaded in? Yeah. 470 00:27:12,531 --> 00:27:17,662 I'm feeling a bit freaked out, man. Are you in there? 471 00:27:18,572 --> 00:27:21,169 OK, I've got the details on Danny's baby mama. 472 00:27:21,171 --> 00:27:23,210 Her name is Cheryl Baines, and I've lifted some photos 473 00:27:23,211 --> 00:27:25,050 - from her Instagram. - She's a sex worker. 474 00:27:25,051 --> 00:27:27,354 There must be something sluttier. It's got to be filth. 475 00:27:27,356 --> 00:27:29,396 We need something that says desperate and dishonest. 476 00:27:29,397 --> 00:27:32,113 That's perfect, the Halloween one. 477 00:27:32,115 --> 00:27:34,155 Contact the unattractive boy she went to school with. 478 00:27:34,156 --> 00:27:36,756 They'll have something to say about her, for sure, and make sure that 479 00:27:36,757 --> 00:27:38,120 no-one is offering her anything. 480 00:27:38,122 --> 00:27:40,938 If they are, double it. We bring her into the fold. 481 00:27:40,940 --> 00:27:43,777 She becomes part of our strategy and we use her as we see fit. 482 00:27:43,779 --> 00:27:44,979 Understood. 483 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:49,209 Eve! Danny's gone. What? 484 00:27:49,211 --> 00:27:51,036 What do you mean, gone? He's gone, he's escaped, 485 00:27:51,037 --> 00:27:53,453 he's crawled out the fucking window. Oh, Jesus Christ. 486 00:27:53,455 --> 00:27:56,049 OK, you check with security, you check the studio, 487 00:27:56,051 --> 00:27:57,930 I'm gonna check the lot. But the show is supposed 488 00:27:57,931 --> 00:28:00,571 to go live in 30 minutes. Then we'd better fucking hurry. 489 00:28:03,814 --> 00:28:05,613 Uh, update. Wait. 490 00:28:05,615 --> 00:28:08,009 - Danny's disappeared. - Disappeared? How? 491 00:28:08,011 --> 00:28:10,413 - He crawled out of a window. - Is that a nose piercing? 492 00:28:10,415 --> 00:28:13,093 Don't tell me I look like Minnie Mouse with a nipple ring, 493 00:28:13,095 --> 00:28:16,969 or Bambi with a shaved head, or an otter in a gimp suit. 494 00:28:16,971 --> 00:28:18,966 I was just going to say it looked really nice. 495 00:28:18,968 --> 00:28:21,243 Oh! Oh, thank you. 496 00:28:22,315 --> 00:28:23,515 OK. 497 00:28:26,331 --> 00:28:28,623 Hey! I've been looking for you. 498 00:28:28,625 --> 00:28:31,370 Oh, my goodness, thank you! That's so exciting. 499 00:28:31,371 --> 00:28:34,313 But I'm only in on one condition. What's that? 500 00:28:34,315 --> 00:28:36,253 That I get to deal with you personally. 501 00:28:37,177 --> 00:28:40,677 Don't really get my own clients yet. Well, I guess that I'm your first. 502 00:28:44,291 --> 00:28:46,930 Right, well, I'm off to disappoint 503 00:28:46,931 --> 00:28:49,211 9 million people by not being Danny Davis. 504 00:28:49,213 --> 00:28:50,514 You'll smash it. 505 00:29:11,625 --> 00:29:13,931 Oh, my god. There you are. 506 00:29:14,378 --> 00:29:16,799 I thought I was gonna find you naked somewhere, banging 507 00:29:16,801 --> 00:29:19,690 7g rocks, drinking tiger blood. 508 00:29:19,692 --> 00:29:21,004 Not winning. 509 00:29:22,347 --> 00:29:23,636 Were you thinking about it? 510 00:29:24,859 --> 00:29:26,128 Are you mental? 511 00:29:26,457 --> 00:29:28,948 If I was gonna kill myself, I wouldn't jump off a building. 512 00:29:29,077 --> 00:29:31,342 Particularly a TV studio. 513 00:29:31,344 --> 00:29:34,088 What an extravagant act of egotism that would be. 514 00:29:34,090 --> 00:29:36,010 Besides, we're not high enough, are we? 515 00:29:36,011 --> 00:29:38,436 I'd probably just break both my legs. 516 00:29:38,438 --> 00:29:40,494 Imagine how embarrassing that would be. 517 00:29:41,884 --> 00:29:43,923 Did you know that there's this volcano 518 00:29:43,925 --> 00:29:47,210 in Japan called Mount Mihara, and in the '30s, some chick 519 00:29:47,211 --> 00:29:49,530 killed herself by throwing herself into the crater? 520 00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:52,010 Darth Vader fell into a volcano. 521 00:29:52,011 --> 00:29:55,330 In the next year, 944 other people 522 00:29:55,331 --> 00:29:58,290 copied her, jumped into the same crater. 523 00:29:58,292 --> 00:30:01,746 Smart move. High drama. Low maintenance. 524 00:30:01,748 --> 00:30:04,130 Exactly. Sounds good, too. "How did he die?" 525 00:30:04,131 --> 00:30:06,445 "Jumped into a volcano." "Oh, fair." 526 00:30:07,899 --> 00:30:09,159 How would you do it? 527 00:30:09,643 --> 00:30:12,796 Top myself? Dunno. 528 00:30:13,518 --> 00:30:15,101 Pills, probably. 529 00:30:15,634 --> 00:30:18,381 "A lethal cocktail of alcohol and drugs." 530 00:30:19,555 --> 00:30:22,154 That's what they say in the press, don't they? 531 00:30:22,155 --> 00:30:25,034 Go out on a four-day coke bender. 532 00:30:25,035 --> 00:30:28,101 Bingeing, banging, snorting, 533 00:30:29,266 --> 00:30:31,266 until my heart gives out. 534 00:30:32,355 --> 00:30:36,607 Red as a plum, teeth ground down to stumps. 535 00:30:37,801 --> 00:30:39,001 You? 536 00:30:39,942 --> 00:30:43,342 Book myself a cruise, all-inclusive, 537 00:30:44,076 --> 00:30:47,282 somewhere beautiful, somewhere remote, and then 538 00:30:47,284 --> 00:30:51,911 one night, put on a nice dress, go up on deck, and all you'd see 539 00:30:51,913 --> 00:30:53,791 in any direction is just 540 00:30:54,675 --> 00:30:56,671 the moonlight rippling and reflecting off 541 00:30:56,673 --> 00:30:58,974 the dark water, infinite. 542 00:30:59,475 --> 00:31:03,194 Have a couple of martinis, and then I'd pop a couple 543 00:31:03,195 --> 00:31:04,563 of Xanax and just... 544 00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,781 step over the side and disappear forever. 545 00:31:12,857 --> 00:31:14,057 Christ. 546 00:31:15,374 --> 00:31:17,169 I thought I was morbid. 547 00:31:17,598 --> 00:31:20,844 I might have to read some Sylvia Plath just to cheer myself up. 548 00:31:23,355 --> 00:31:26,924 You know, in rehab, they're always talking about rock bottoms. 549 00:31:27,555 --> 00:31:29,394 "This was my rock bottom." 550 00:31:29,395 --> 00:31:31,586 "No, no. No, this was my rock bottom." 551 00:31:31,588 --> 00:31:33,880 Every time I think I've reached mine, 552 00:31:33,882 --> 00:31:36,434 I just seem to bounce straight back off it again. 553 00:31:37,214 --> 00:31:40,301 It's like a serial killer revisiting the scene of a crime. 554 00:31:41,770 --> 00:31:45,250 They wanna get caught. They want it to stop, 555 00:31:48,032 --> 00:31:50,032 or be stopped. 556 00:31:51,275 --> 00:31:53,394 But everyone just keeps the train on the tracks 557 00:31:53,395 --> 00:31:55,054 'cause it's worth so much. 558 00:31:55,056 --> 00:31:57,884 Lawyers, managers, you. 559 00:31:59,916 --> 00:32:02,622 - I've really fucked it, haven't I? - Join the club. 560 00:32:05,579 --> 00:32:06,829 Hold on a sec. 561 00:32:10,994 --> 00:32:13,554 - I can't do this right now. - I'm here. 562 00:32:13,555 --> 00:32:17,541 What do you mean, you're here? I'm at the studio. Why? 563 00:32:17,783 --> 00:32:21,714 I thought I could grab Caroline for a little chat about my exclusive. 564 00:32:21,715 --> 00:32:24,248 If she sees you, she will kill you. 565 00:32:24,250 --> 00:32:26,643 It's lucky I've got you to look after me, then. 566 00:32:26,645 --> 00:32:28,894 Fuck you, Reese, you can't blackmail me. 567 00:32:28,896 --> 00:32:31,622 I'm not blackmailing you, I'm using you to get what I want, 568 00:32:31,624 --> 00:32:34,354 which is exactly what you've always done with me. 569 00:32:34,355 --> 00:32:36,456 That's not fair. Life's not fair, babes. 570 00:32:36,458 --> 00:32:38,154 It wasn't fair when you ghosted me 571 00:32:38,155 --> 00:32:40,091 after eight fucking months together, was it? 572 00:32:40,093 --> 00:32:43,228 Shit happens, eh? Let's not pretend this is personal, yeah? 573 00:32:47,035 --> 00:32:48,572 STD clinic? 574 00:32:59,945 --> 00:33:02,490 Do us a loving favour. A fully grown man came out of the window... 575 00:33:02,491 --> 00:33:05,074 I've not seen him. Sorry. Where is he? Let me in. 576 00:33:05,076 --> 00:33:07,977 I need to talk to Danny Davis. Danny Davis! 577 00:33:07,979 --> 00:33:10,210 I know he's fucking in there. Hi, there. Hi. 578 00:33:10,211 --> 00:33:11,697 What's going on? Um, I... Where's Danny? 579 00:33:11,698 --> 00:33:13,890 She can't come in without a pass. OK, well, that's fine because 580 00:33:13,891 --> 00:33:16,955 she's with me, so we'll just... You're Cheryl, right? 581 00:33:16,957 --> 00:33:19,581 Who are you? Melody, I work for Danny's PR. 582 00:33:19,583 --> 00:33:21,290 What? Uh, we do press and... 583 00:33:21,291 --> 00:33:23,330 I know what PR is. I'm not an idiot. 584 00:33:23,331 --> 00:33:25,521 I mean why am I talking to you? I want to talk to Danny. 585 00:33:25,522 --> 00:33:27,810 Well, you can't right now 'cause Danny's getting ready for the show. 586 00:33:27,811 --> 00:33:29,530 I don't care if he's having high tea with the Queen 587 00:33:29,531 --> 00:33:32,130 of fucking Denmark. Why have I got a journalist calling 588 00:33:32,131 --> 00:33:34,864 my home talking about my son? 589 00:33:36,335 --> 00:33:38,090 No, no, you can't. Stop! 590 00:33:38,091 --> 00:33:40,962 Right, stop. How much? 591 00:33:41,657 --> 00:33:45,468 Excuse me? How much, just to make it all go away? 592 00:33:45,470 --> 00:33:47,030 Make it go away? 593 00:33:47,830 --> 00:33:49,290 Make what go away? 594 00:33:49,291 --> 00:33:53,329 My son? I don't want any of his money. 595 00:33:53,331 --> 00:33:56,170 I never did. I earn my money, thank you. 596 00:33:56,171 --> 00:33:58,210 That's the problem with you people, all of you. You just assume 597 00:33:58,211 --> 00:33:59,850 that everyone can be bought. 598 00:33:59,851 --> 00:34:01,810 Oh, come on. That's a bit rich, coming from someone who... 599 00:34:01,811 --> 00:34:05,855 Coming from... what? No, no, go on. Coming from what? 600 00:34:05,857 --> 00:34:08,313 Hmm? Prostitute? 601 00:34:09,001 --> 00:34:10,201 A whore? 602 00:34:10,984 --> 00:34:12,784 Scarlet woman? 603 00:34:15,207 --> 00:34:16,864 You know what? You're probably right. 604 00:34:17,837 --> 00:34:20,090 Maybe I should forfeit any highfalutin ambitions 605 00:34:20,091 --> 00:34:22,055 of being treated like an actual human being. 606 00:34:22,057 --> 00:34:24,690 No, I'm just asking that you don't speak to any media. 607 00:34:24,691 --> 00:34:27,010 Why would I wanna talk to the fucking media? 608 00:34:27,500 --> 00:34:30,614 So I can be called a slag? I don't wanna talk to anyone. 609 00:34:30,616 --> 00:34:34,214 I don't want my 15 minutes. I don't want anybody's money! 610 00:34:34,216 --> 00:34:39,156 I... I earned 120 grand last year, after tax. 611 00:34:39,158 --> 00:34:43,156 All I want is for me and my boy to be left alone! 612 00:34:44,028 --> 00:34:47,320 So we can be normal. That is all I've ever wanted. 613 00:34:50,303 --> 00:34:51,586 And he promised. 614 00:34:53,505 --> 00:34:55,304 Oh, god, don't cry. 615 00:34:58,031 --> 00:35:01,010 I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean all that. 616 00:35:01,546 --> 00:35:04,014 Come on, let's just take a breather, will we? 617 00:35:11,488 --> 00:35:13,394 Why do you let them behave like this? 618 00:35:13,396 --> 00:35:18,348 Why go after people like me, like I'm the one ruining his life? 619 00:35:19,288 --> 00:35:21,548 You don't let them take responsibility for their actions. 620 00:35:22,966 --> 00:35:27,654 And if there's no consequence, it will never stop. 621 00:35:30,491 --> 00:35:32,194 God. I'm so sorry. 622 00:35:33,531 --> 00:35:35,205 I'll be one minute. 623 00:35:36,961 --> 00:35:40,120 Mum, what? Melody, I need to talk to you. 624 00:35:40,122 --> 00:35:42,561 Mum, I'm at my work. It's important. 625 00:35:42,563 --> 00:35:46,842 My job's fucking important. Your dad's been moved to a hospice. 626 00:35:46,843 --> 00:35:49,085 He's been deteriorating over the last week. 627 00:35:49,087 --> 00:35:51,814 I can't care for him and keep him comfortable, so they're 628 00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,999 gonna move him. If you want to make sure you get to see him, 629 00:35:55,001 --> 00:35:57,641 you should get on a train. It's hard to know exactly 630 00:35:57,643 --> 00:35:59,696 how much time he's got. 631 00:35:59,698 --> 00:36:00,930 Danny! 632 00:36:02,118 --> 00:36:03,558 Oh, fuck. 633 00:36:05,521 --> 00:36:07,357 He's out of control! 634 00:36:12,516 --> 00:36:14,220 How you doing, man? 635 00:36:20,676 --> 00:36:24,875 Eve? Eve! Reese is here. What? 636 00:36:24,876 --> 00:36:28,035 Here? Why? She wants a tell-all exclusive with Danny 637 00:36:28,036 --> 00:36:30,875 all about his love for the child and his shame and his recovery. 638 00:36:30,876 --> 00:36:33,115 Are you having a fucking bubble bath? She fucks over Caroline, 639 00:36:33,116 --> 00:36:35,155 now she wants another exclusive. We need to fix it. 640 00:36:35,156 --> 00:36:37,434 We need to make a deal. Come on. 641 00:36:37,436 --> 00:36:38,901 Watch him. A deal? 642 00:36:40,088 --> 00:36:42,675 Well, we know Reese. We know she is a snake 643 00:36:42,676 --> 00:36:44,275 who would sell her own mother into 644 00:36:44,276 --> 00:36:46,555 a sex trafficking ring if it means she gets a story out of it. 645 00:36:46,556 --> 00:36:48,823 Caroline will never go for it. I think Caroline's a little 646 00:36:48,824 --> 00:36:50,503 stressed and she's not thinking clearly. 647 00:36:50,505 --> 00:36:53,674 Rob, they already had a deal. Well, I was just thinking 648 00:36:53,676 --> 00:36:56,764 that maybe if you and I could figure something out, you know... 649 00:36:56,766 --> 00:36:59,395 I know Reese. I know how to get what I want from her. 650 00:36:59,396 --> 00:37:01,775 Oh, really? Because from what I've seen, she knows how to get what 651 00:37:01,776 --> 00:37:05,479 she wants from you. You know what? I'll figure it out myself. 652 00:37:05,481 --> 00:37:09,240 Rob... Caroline, Reese is here. 653 00:37:09,242 --> 00:37:10,442 Hey. 654 00:37:13,516 --> 00:37:18,236 Your pal, Abigail, here was just offering an exclusive with Danny, 655 00:37:18,238 --> 00:37:21,028 letting him tell his side of the story, warts and all. 656 00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:24,705 Reckons we might even be able to tie it in with a book deal, as well. 657 00:37:24,707 --> 00:37:26,196 What do you think we should do? 658 00:37:27,647 --> 00:37:29,308 Well, I think, as the one who 659 00:37:29,310 --> 00:37:32,155 broke the story, it gives the piece an interesting angle. 660 00:37:32,156 --> 00:37:35,329 She says that she genuinely believes in his repentance. 661 00:37:35,331 --> 00:37:38,861 It could lend it a certain credibility. 662 00:37:42,716 --> 00:37:44,638 I had the same thought exactly. 663 00:37:45,247 --> 00:37:49,587 OK, Miss Reese, you can have your story, on one condition. 664 00:37:49,589 --> 00:37:52,795 And what's that? You tell me who your source is. 665 00:37:53,717 --> 00:37:55,275 Caroline, you know that as a journalist, 666 00:37:55,276 --> 00:37:58,048 my number-one commandment is to protect my sources. 667 00:38:00,575 --> 00:38:01,958 Take it or leave it. 668 00:38:08,279 --> 00:38:10,879 Oh, fine. She knew what she was getting herself into. 669 00:38:18,133 --> 00:38:19,660 It was Melody. 670 00:38:21,026 --> 00:38:24,434 - Melody? - The little Scottish one. 671 00:38:24,436 --> 00:38:26,388 That's her name, isn't it? Don't be too harsh on her. 672 00:38:26,389 --> 00:38:28,914 She's just playing the game. Plan was, I tip her off next time 673 00:38:28,916 --> 00:38:31,131 something big was gonna go down for one of your clients, and she'd 674 00:38:31,132 --> 00:38:32,501 swan in and save the day. 675 00:38:33,623 --> 00:38:37,004 Deepak! Ahh! 676 00:38:39,295 --> 00:38:40,495 Tits. 677 00:38:43,116 --> 00:38:44,915 What are you talking about, you bloody lunatic? 678 00:38:44,916 --> 00:38:48,315 You told them about Cheryl! You promised. You fucking promised! 679 00:38:48,316 --> 00:38:50,872 - I never told them anything. - Get off me. 680 00:38:53,356 --> 00:38:55,315 You fucking bloody beardy Judas bastard! 681 00:38:55,316 --> 00:38:58,676 Boys, can you just pack it in? Get off me! Get off! 682 00:39:00,076 --> 00:39:02,708 Daniel, get off him right now, you bloody pillock. 683 00:39:06,196 --> 00:39:08,275 Why, eh? Why? 684 00:39:08,276 --> 00:39:10,995 Is it because I went on Graham Norton without you? 685 00:39:10,996 --> 00:39:13,497 What? I never wanted to go on Graham Norton. 686 00:39:13,499 --> 00:39:15,499 I'm fine. I'm fine. 687 00:39:17,124 --> 00:39:19,474 That's for breaking my Radio Times award. 688 00:39:19,476 --> 00:39:21,435 Um, I think we should go outside. Holly Willoughby didn't forget 689 00:39:21,436 --> 00:39:24,115 to invite you to her fondue party. She didn't invite you 'cause 690 00:39:24,116 --> 00:39:26,475 she thinks you're a twat. You only got this job because of 691 00:39:26,476 --> 00:39:30,755 affirmative action! You only got this job 692 00:39:30,756 --> 00:39:32,235 because you've got special needs. 693 00:39:32,236 --> 00:39:35,755 ADHD is not special needs! OK, enough, enough. 694 00:39:35,756 --> 00:39:38,395 I never told them anything, you bloody idiot. 695 00:39:38,396 --> 00:39:41,755 Oh, just admit it. Why would I want to do this without you? 696 00:39:41,756 --> 00:39:44,555 It's twice as much work, and you're the funny one. 697 00:39:44,556 --> 00:39:47,515 When will you bloody realise how good you've got it and stop messing 698 00:39:47,516 --> 00:39:50,475 everything up for yourself? This boy bloody loves you. 699 00:39:50,476 --> 00:39:52,515 You were the only one that knew. 700 00:39:52,516 --> 00:39:57,510 I swear on my baby's life, I never told them anything. 701 00:39:57,956 --> 00:40:01,527 I really haven't got fucking time for this. Get them both out of here. 702 00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:05,893 He started it. He literally rugby tackled me while I was on TV. 703 00:40:06,853 --> 00:40:08,915 Ashley, the show is yours. 704 00:40:08,916 --> 00:40:11,275 You what? You're live in ten. Show's yours. 705 00:40:11,276 --> 00:40:14,515 What, the whole thing? Don't you want it? No. 706 00:40:14,516 --> 00:40:17,115 I mean, yes, grand, I do, yeah. It's just... 707 00:40:17,116 --> 00:40:19,675 Good! So get out there, tell a few gags and for god's sake 708 00:40:19,676 --> 00:40:22,396 make them think this was some fucking avant-garde sketch. 709 00:40:23,728 --> 00:40:26,087 Ladies and gentlemen, Danny and Deepak. 710 00:40:26,089 --> 00:40:28,409 Give it up for those guys. 711 00:40:29,195 --> 00:40:32,122 Oh, I love those lads. It's a joke... Danny! 712 00:40:32,124 --> 00:40:36,466 It's just backstage jokes, guys. Everyone chill the flip out... 713 00:40:36,468 --> 00:40:40,966 What did we miss? Anyway, um, so, does anyone 714 00:40:40,968 --> 00:40:43,907 want to present the show with me? You, sir... 715 00:40:45,282 --> 00:40:47,795 Caroline, I'm so sorry. I tried to stop her, but she just... 716 00:40:47,796 --> 00:40:49,502 Melody, we spoke to Reese. 717 00:40:49,504 --> 00:40:51,035 Abigail Reese? Is she here? 718 00:40:51,036 --> 00:40:53,595 Don't talk. Just listen. She told us 719 00:40:53,596 --> 00:40:57,362 that you gave her the information about Danny's kid. What? 720 00:40:57,364 --> 00:40:59,835 Listen, I get it. We've all made deals with journalists. 721 00:40:59,836 --> 00:41:01,871 I would never... I know this isn't what 722 00:41:01,873 --> 00:41:04,275 you wanted to happen. I didn't tell a soul, I swear. 723 00:41:04,276 --> 00:41:06,916 This is my fault. It's not like I've set you a good example. 724 00:41:06,918 --> 00:41:09,946 Caroline, I swear to god I didn't. I take full responsibility. 725 00:41:09,948 --> 00:41:12,326 She wouldn't even have been with Danny if it wasn't for me, 726 00:41:12,328 --> 00:41:14,684 and as much as she's been stupid... I believe her. 727 00:41:17,116 --> 00:41:20,075 She's as smart as anyone in this room and twice as honest, 728 00:41:20,076 --> 00:41:22,433 and if she says she didn't tell anyone, then I believe her. 729 00:41:23,929 --> 00:41:26,155 Nobody else knew. Robyn, stop. 730 00:41:26,436 --> 00:41:27,636 What? 731 00:41:28,062 --> 00:41:30,446 Stop. I don't know what... 732 00:41:30,448 --> 00:41:32,768 Enough! Just... 733 00:41:35,916 --> 00:41:39,195 You're fired. Caroline, please. I swear to god I didn't. 734 00:41:39,196 --> 00:41:40,408 Not you. 735 00:41:40,410 --> 00:41:42,908 You. What? Leave. 736 00:41:45,836 --> 00:41:51,714 Caroline, please. Please. No, no, no, no, no. 737 00:41:51,716 --> 00:41:54,861 Don't cry, don't lie, don't beg. 738 00:41:55,352 --> 00:41:56,552 Just go. 739 00:41:59,089 --> 00:42:01,796 Caroline, your lawyers are here. 740 00:42:03,658 --> 00:42:06,054 Send them in. We're done here.