1 00:00:05,494 --> 00:00:07,927 Okay. So let me get this straight. 2 00:00:07,963 --> 00:00:12,777 You're saying you were on Hampstead Heath at 23:07, alone, 3 00:00:13,801 --> 00:00:15,265 walking your dog. 4 00:00:16,002 --> 00:00:17,502 That is correct. 5 00:00:17,538 --> 00:00:19,816 And for no reason, you were attacked. 6 00:00:20,506 --> 00:00:21,837 Yup. 7 00:00:21,873 --> 00:00:24,240 But you don't want to press charges. 8 00:00:24,276 --> 00:00:27,501 I just don't want the bother, and he'll be long gone by now. 9 00:00:28,208 --> 00:00:29,403 Did you see your assailant? 10 00:00:29,439 --> 00:00:30,780 Only the back of his head... 11 00:00:33,949 --> 00:00:35,333 As he was running away. 12 00:00:37,556 --> 00:00:40,578 Okay. Well, now that's all cleared up, I'm assuming we're free to leave. 13 00:00:44,032 --> 00:00:46,931 Thanks you, Robyn. I didn't know who else to call. 14 00:00:46,967 --> 00:00:48,467 It's all right. 15 00:00:48,503 --> 00:00:50,135 What am I supposed to do with this? 16 00:00:50,171 --> 00:00:52,337 Feed it twice a day. Take it for nice, long walks. 17 00:00:52,373 --> 00:00:54,193 Treat it to the occasional bone. 18 00:00:54,229 --> 00:00:56,275 But I don't want a dog! 19 00:00:56,311 --> 00:00:58,070 If you'd like to go back in there and change your statement, 20 00:00:58,106 --> 00:00:59,309 you're more than welcome. 21 00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:04,046 All right, his name is Lumpy and you might want to get that eye looked at. 22 00:01:09,641 --> 00:01:11,051 Come on, Lumpy. 23 00:01:16,536 --> 00:01:21,004 Subtitles by explosiveskull 24 00:01:24,395 --> 00:01:26,633 It's my birthday and I am going to party. 25 00:01:26,699 --> 00:01:27,433 Ow! 26 00:01:29,719 --> 00:01:32,818 Sorry, Teddy is getting really bite-y. 27 00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:36,233 Honestly, my nipples are a mess. 28 00:01:36,315 --> 00:01:39,485 You know those machines they have at the pier? The ones that flatten pennies? 29 00:01:39,521 --> 00:01:41,699 It feels like my nipples have gone through one of those machines. 30 00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:44,672 Don't laugh. I'm not kidding. 31 00:01:44,708 --> 00:01:45,505 I'm sorry. 32 00:01:45,541 --> 00:01:47,117 Seriously, go enjoy your titties 33 00:01:47,153 --> 00:01:48,671 while they're yours. These days... 34 00:01:49,101 --> 00:01:52,135 Mine are either juice boxes for the kids or Mark is grabbing at them 35 00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:54,866 like he's testing avocados. 36 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,712 Speaking of which, how's that going? Are you guys still trying? 37 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,581 Sorry, was that a bad thing to say? 38 00:02:02,970 --> 00:02:04,263 No, not at all. 39 00:02:04,313 --> 00:02:07,494 Yes, we're trying. It's just taking a while. 40 00:02:07,565 --> 00:02:10,764 Honestly. That is for the best. I'm not kidding. 41 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:13,389 Mark barely had to breathe on my vagina, and I was pregnant, 42 00:02:13,453 --> 00:02:17,355 I'm not complaining but, you know, a warning shot would've been nice. 43 00:02:17,425 --> 00:02:19,108 Fertile son of a... Ow! 44 00:02:19,144 --> 00:02:20,916 God damn it! 45 00:02:20,952 --> 00:02:24,177 I have got to put the baby down now. Do you want me to call you back? 46 00:02:24,213 --> 00:02:27,151 No. Go. Sleep. I love you. 47 00:02:27,187 --> 00:02:28,947 Love you. Bye. 48 00:03:40,628 --> 00:03:42,297 Oh, fuck! 49 00:03:43,517 --> 00:03:44,851 Turn the light on, babe. 50 00:03:46,402 --> 00:03:47,369 Sorry. 51 00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:50,405 How was your night? 52 00:03:50,477 --> 00:03:53,076 Fantastic. Tramp took a shit in the corridor. 53 00:03:53,206 --> 00:03:54,687 Dairy protest? 54 00:03:54,765 --> 00:03:57,906 No, protest is a bit sophisticated for what I saw. 55 00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:00,199 Brought this back. 56 00:04:02,338 --> 00:04:04,472 Like, go in and get checked, you know. 57 00:04:04,553 --> 00:04:06,779 Rule things out. Have a read. 58 00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,204 Interesting moment at work today. 59 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,307 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 60 00:04:13,343 --> 00:04:16,862 Tabitha, the new junior nurses' assistant, tried to have sex with me. 61 00:04:16,932 --> 00:04:18,011 I'm sorry. What? 62 00:04:18,047 --> 00:04:22,210 Mmm-hmm. I know what you're thinking, but she's not fat or hairy or mentally ill. 63 00:04:22,246 --> 00:04:26,125 She's actually pretty fit. Looks like a slightly less toothy Billie Piper. 64 00:04:26,953 --> 00:04:27,649 Okay. 65 00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:31,748 Yeah, proper pass. Asked me for a lift home and everything. It was a slam dunk. 66 00:04:31,784 --> 00:04:33,770 Great. What did you do? 67 00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:34,539 Fucked her. 68 00:04:36,571 --> 00:04:41,310 I'm kidding! I told her I have a lovely girlfriend waiting for me at home, of course. 69 00:04:43,318 --> 00:04:44,319 Great story. 70 00:04:44,862 --> 00:04:46,283 Someone jealous? 71 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:47,870 Just not sure why you're telling me. 72 00:04:49,378 --> 00:04:51,524 I don't know. I thought it was funny. 73 00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,657 Don't you wanna know how desirable your boyfriend is? 74 00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:56,568 Not really. Do you wanna know about all the men who try to fuck me? 75 00:04:58,096 --> 00:04:59,096 Wow. 76 00:05:00,056 --> 00:05:02,464 Christ, okay. Don't know what's gone up your arse. 77 00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:04,658 Just not sure what point you're making. 78 00:05:04,712 --> 00:05:06,666 Do want a medal for not cheating on me? 79 00:05:06,702 --> 00:05:08,366 No, of course not, I just... 80 00:05:09,573 --> 00:05:11,872 Okay, sorry if I misjudged it, it wasn't meant to be a big deal. 81 00:05:11,908 --> 00:05:13,806 Then, why'd you tell me? 82 00:05:13,842 --> 00:05:16,578 I don't know, it was just... it was on my mind and I thought it was... 83 00:05:20,007 --> 00:05:21,743 Oh, well, forget it, forget it. 84 00:05:22,711 --> 00:05:24,378 Forgive me for sharing. 85 00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:00,139 Ha. You came back. 86 00:06:00,214 --> 00:06:01,563 You noticed. 87 00:06:01,637 --> 00:06:03,248 I don't know if it was the coke 88 00:06:03,284 --> 00:06:06,220 or your Uber driver ruining Simon's hand job story, 89 00:06:06,256 --> 00:06:08,790 but wow, you definitely made an impression. 90 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,584 Yeah, I feel awful about that. 91 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,411 No, don't. He's got a million stories like that. 92 00:06:13,447 --> 00:06:17,730 Last week, he was telling this one about getting rimmed in Nando's by a post man. 93 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,691 Absolute classic. The guy has been married eleven years. 94 00:06:22,176 --> 00:06:23,624 - Do you want a drag? - No. 95 00:06:23,729 --> 00:06:25,694 Yeah. Trying to quit. 96 00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:27,453 Ah, Vogues. Classy. 97 00:06:27,497 --> 00:06:29,758 Makes me feel like a fat fingered Audrey Hepburn. 98 00:06:31,570 --> 00:06:33,733 Oh, God. I'm Tom, by the way. 99 00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,395 Robyn. 100 00:06:35,431 --> 00:06:36,485 Like the super hero? 101 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,942 Sidekick. Robin's not a super hero. He's a sidekick. 102 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:43,476 But I'm plenty happy being in the background. 103 00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:47,101 It's odd when you start these things. Everyone has got more hours than you. 104 00:06:47,293 --> 00:06:48,941 I remember feeling like I joined a cult. 105 00:06:48,977 --> 00:06:51,042 They were gonna ask me to marry my sister. 106 00:06:51,219 --> 00:06:52,627 It gets better thought. I promise. 107 00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:54,462 Mm. Can't wait. 108 00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:56,047 How long have you been in the rooms? 109 00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:57,143 Three years. 110 00:06:57,555 --> 00:06:59,353 - Wow! - Yeah. 111 00:06:59,389 --> 00:07:01,429 Wish I could say it was easy. 112 00:07:01,513 --> 00:07:04,301 I mean, some days you feel like you nicked it, and other days, it just... 113 00:07:04,398 --> 00:07:07,094 Bang! It just kicks you in the bollocks like an angry mule. 114 00:07:08,016 --> 00:07:09,783 Or lady bollocks, in your case. 115 00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:15,694 Anyway... We should head inside. 116 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,096 Um... Stick at it. 117 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:21,727 I don't know if you've got a sponsor... 118 00:07:22,944 --> 00:07:25,170 If you ever wanna talk about your recovery... 119 00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,334 Or anything else, for that matter. 120 00:07:50,792 --> 00:07:55,311 So, I found out a guy who I went to school with is trans. 121 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,735 Does that happen to any of you? 122 00:07:58,564 --> 00:07:59,789 It's pretty confusing. 123 00:07:59,862 --> 00:08:02,778 He's... Obviously, now, I know that "he" is a "she". 124 00:08:02,838 --> 00:08:04,940 But what if I wanna talk about my past? 125 00:08:04,974 --> 00:08:08,374 Is he a "he" before a certain time? 126 00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:10,277 Or is there like a cut off point? 127 00:08:11,978 --> 00:08:13,878 Sorry, bad joke, I suppose. 128 00:08:13,941 --> 00:08:16,980 Now, to do something like that, it takes balls. 129 00:08:17,418 --> 00:08:19,018 That's a funny line. 130 00:08:19,128 --> 00:08:22,607 Sorry, have I just walked into a working men's club from the '80s 131 00:08:22,676 --> 00:08:25,531 Appreciating someone having to undergo intensive and invasive 132 00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:28,694 gender re-assignment surgery, must've been very difficult for you. 133 00:08:30,238 --> 00:08:31,192 Not quite the point I was making. 134 00:08:31,239 --> 00:08:33,550 I mean, yeah, that's fine. Over 20 grand for the treatment, 135 00:08:33,602 --> 00:08:36,353 but you're confused about which pronouns to use. 136 00:08:38,762 --> 00:08:41,929 Yeah, all right, sit back down, love, 'cause people have come here for some comedy. 137 00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,422 Yeah, when's that gonna start, eh? 138 00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:48,645 You're lucky there's not a dick under there anymore, or I'd knock you in your arse! 139 00:08:48,708 --> 00:08:49,906 Oh, come on, how was I supposed to know 140 00:08:49,942 --> 00:08:52,541 there was a trans comedian in the audience? 141 00:08:52,577 --> 00:08:54,004 I mean, what're the chances of that happening? 142 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,201 Well, she was on the line-up, so, I'd say pretty fuckin' high. 143 00:08:56,248 --> 00:08:58,216 Well, I don't even know who Allie Gregs is! 144 00:08:58,278 --> 00:09:00,484 And neither did I, but now I do, it's all over Twitter. 145 00:09:00,546 --> 00:09:02,480 Oh, come on, it wasn't even that offensive. I was being ironic. 146 00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:03,585 How is it ironic? 147 00:09:04,101 --> 00:09:05,102 Because... 148 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,100 I'm not trans. 149 00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:10,547 Live nation is threatening to pull the whole tour. 150 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:11,855 Hundred and forty-seven thousand hits? 151 00:09:11,891 --> 00:09:13,033 That is not a good thing. 152 00:09:13,072 --> 00:09:14,996 I thought there was no such thing as bad publicity. 153 00:09:15,051 --> 00:09:17,090 If one person throws that bullshit at me... 154 00:09:17,126 --> 00:09:19,762 Just have a conversation with Kevin Spacey and he can fill you in. 155 00:09:19,822 --> 00:09:21,874 I can't... We talked about this. 156 00:09:21,955 --> 00:09:26,190 You said, try a bit more edgy material, be a bit more risque, 157 00:09:26,226 --> 00:09:27,656 it'll play well with young people. 158 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,268 I meant, try and joke about ISIS, 159 00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:32,352 not offend an entire community of people. 160 00:09:32,398 --> 00:09:34,210 You don't think she's being a tiny bit sensitive? 161 00:09:34,253 --> 00:09:37,322 You know, the most damaging thing about this tape is that she's being funnier than you. 162 00:09:37,358 --> 00:09:39,464 Hey. I resent that. That is new material. 163 00:09:39,524 --> 00:09:41,934 I'm running that in. That is not going to be perfect... 164 00:09:41,970 --> 00:09:42,951 Enough! 165 00:09:42,987 --> 00:09:47,065 Go bathe and put some pants on. We've got work to do. 166 00:09:47,668 --> 00:09:48,468 Trans... 167 00:09:54,016 --> 00:09:55,674 Okay, so we are going for full mea culpa, 168 00:09:55,710 --> 00:09:57,083 egg on face, big apologies, 169 00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:59,800 - kissing trans babies, the works. - Trans babies? 170 00:09:59,836 --> 00:10:02,013 Isn't this the man who got kicked out at the comedy awards 171 00:10:02,049 --> 00:10:04,773 for dipping his balls on the Head of BBC comedy's Prosecco? 172 00:10:04,809 --> 00:10:06,740 Not sure humility is his strong point. 173 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,597 Melody, I need you to get in touch with Allie Gregs. 174 00:10:08,643 --> 00:10:10,413 She's not gonna wanna talk to you but do whatever it takes. 175 00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:11,782 We need to contain this. 176 00:10:14,108 --> 00:10:15,807 - Earth to Melody. - Yes, got it. 177 00:10:15,843 --> 00:10:17,824 Ooh, Tom, kiss. 178 00:10:17,871 --> 00:10:18,809 Anyone nice? 179 00:10:18,845 --> 00:10:20,937 Oh, no, just a guy from NA. 180 00:10:20,973 --> 00:10:22,745 It's not... He was offering to be my sponsor. 181 00:10:22,815 --> 00:10:23,822 I bet he was. 182 00:10:23,877 --> 00:10:25,681 God, I love a damaged man. Is he cute? 183 00:10:25,717 --> 00:10:26,484 I haven't really thought about it. 184 00:10:26,517 --> 00:10:28,015 Yeah. Well, whatever. 185 00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:30,269 Well, enjoy sponsoring his brains out. 186 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:33,968 Maybe I should set up the two of you. 187 00:10:34,004 --> 00:10:35,790 Hmm, last time I went on a blind date, I ended up 188 00:10:35,871 --> 00:10:37,098 climbing out of a window at Sexy Fish. 189 00:10:37,145 --> 00:10:38,378 Seriously. He's hot. 190 00:10:38,414 --> 00:10:39,145 Oh, he's hot now, is he? 191 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:40,590 - I thought you hadn't thought about it. - Shut up. 192 00:10:40,626 --> 00:10:42,001 Do you wanna fuck him with my vagina? Is that it? 193 00:10:42,037 --> 00:10:43,374 - Don't be a dick. - Look, if you need me to have sex 194 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:46,224 with him, you don't have to, you just have to ask. 195 00:10:46,265 --> 00:10:48,605 - Selena Pope's been spotted with her... - Yep. Got it. 196 00:10:48,641 --> 00:10:49,238 Christ. 197 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,751 When it rains, everyone's an idiotic twit. Right. I'll deal with Proctorgate. 198 00:10:51,787 --> 00:10:54,154 I need some transgender celebs who will agree to be friends with Dan Proctor. 199 00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,530 I can only think of Caitlin Jenner 200 00:10:55,566 --> 00:10:56,593 and that lady that won Big Brother. 201 00:10:56,629 --> 00:10:58,076 Definitely start with Big Brother. 202 00:10:59,199 --> 00:11:00,200 Taxi. 203 00:11:13,554 --> 00:11:14,656 - Hello. - Hi. 204 00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:16,074 Are we still on for tonight? 205 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,338 Of course. 206 00:11:17,591 --> 00:11:19,571 Good. 'Cause I'm gonna get F-ed up... 207 00:11:19,665 --> 00:11:22,199 - Mummy, higher. - Mummy is on the phone, bubba. 208 00:11:22,988 --> 00:11:24,287 Are you absolutely sure 209 00:11:24,323 --> 00:11:25,600 you don't wanna spend your birthday with Mark? 210 00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:26,922 I've spent every night of my life with Mark. 211 00:11:26,958 --> 00:11:28,772 For once, he can look after his children, 212 00:11:28,808 --> 00:11:30,620 while mummy gets her party on. 213 00:11:30,675 --> 00:11:33,093 - Mummy! - Okay. 214 00:11:33,129 --> 00:11:35,786 Oh, my God, I cannot tell you how excited I am for tonight. 215 00:11:35,822 --> 00:11:38,727 I feel like it has been ages since I got a proper night out. 216 00:11:38,789 --> 00:11:41,971 You better get ready because Mummy is going to bring the thunder. 217 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,241 Okay, but you will stop referring to yourself as Mummy 218 00:11:44,277 --> 00:11:46,368 this evening, right? 'Cause it's kinda weirding me out. 219 00:11:47,471 --> 00:11:49,240 That is noted. 220 00:11:49,302 --> 00:11:50,530 I'll see you later. 221 00:11:50,631 --> 00:11:51,974 - Love you. - Higher. 222 00:11:52,033 --> 00:11:53,968 Put your back into it, woman. 223 00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:58,998 What part of "Wear it at all times" confused you? 224 00:11:59,034 --> 00:12:00,708 Uh, I needed soya. 225 00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:03,564 I popped out for like five seconds. 226 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,292 How was I supposed to know there was a paparazzi 227 00:12:05,328 --> 00:12:07,562 hiding behind my neighbor's fucking Qashqai? 228 00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:10,029 You're supposed to be eight-and-a-half months pregnant. 229 00:12:10,065 --> 00:12:12,559 You cannot leave the house without your fucking baby. 230 00:12:12,595 --> 00:12:15,118 - I forgot. - You forgot? 231 00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:16,706 How many times have we been through this? 232 00:12:16,742 --> 00:12:18,895 Nine months, nine bumps. 233 00:12:18,931 --> 00:12:20,679 I even numbered them for you. 234 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,152 This is really hard. 235 00:12:22,206 --> 00:12:24,036 No, Selena, having an actual baby is hard. 236 00:12:24,072 --> 00:12:26,652 - This is shoving a cushion up your jumper. - Stop shouting. 237 00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:28,293 Look, why don't we just say I lost the baby? 238 00:12:28,329 --> 00:12:30,255 Uh, excuse me? 239 00:12:30,341 --> 00:12:32,109 And what exactly would you like me to do with this? 240 00:12:32,145 --> 00:12:36,774 Christ! I don't know. I'm just trying a little bit of blue sky thinking. 241 00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,082 Can we just kinda take a night early? 242 00:12:40,118 --> 00:12:42,196 Oh, maybe next time you could have your own bloody baby. 243 00:12:42,232 --> 00:12:44,931 Okay, we've been through this. I have got hostile womb... 244 00:12:45,812 --> 00:12:47,497 And a very busy schedule. 245 00:12:47,575 --> 00:12:49,495 Also, I don't want my vagina ripped 246 00:12:49,531 --> 00:12:51,666 to my arsehole. Is that okay with you? 247 00:12:51,702 --> 00:12:53,389 That is what I'm paying her for. 248 00:12:54,582 --> 00:12:55,863 Sorry, Rose. 249 00:12:55,899 --> 00:12:57,792 When was the last time you were photographed with the bump? 250 00:12:57,828 --> 00:13:01,029 Oh, the talk on body confidence for International Women's Day. 251 00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,100 Maybe ten days ago. 252 00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:04,778 That's when you had the baby. That night, it came early 253 00:13:04,824 --> 00:13:06,698 and since then, you've been working hard 254 00:13:06,734 --> 00:13:07,811 to drop the baby weight. 255 00:13:08,826 --> 00:13:10,694 She's also been working really fucking hard. 256 00:13:10,733 --> 00:13:11,967 Yeah. 257 00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:14,921 But what about the baby? We don't have a baby. 258 00:13:15,144 --> 00:13:18,132 We will just have to borrow one until the actual baby arrives. 259 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,288 Borrow one? 260 00:13:19,324 --> 00:13:22,671 When the baby's born, it's date of birth will be on its birth certificate. It won't match. 261 00:13:22,707 --> 00:13:23,992 That we can deal with. 262 00:13:24,028 --> 00:13:26,240 According to Wikipedia, she's 29. 263 00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:37,347 Oh, great. Hi, guys. Thank you so much for doing this. 264 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,689 This is Dan. 265 00:13:39,017 --> 00:13:40,609 Who are these people? 266 00:13:40,664 --> 00:13:42,864 Dan, this is James and Coco 267 00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,915 and they're from organization called TransEducate. 268 00:13:44,951 --> 00:13:47,148 And they've very kindly agreed to come here today 269 00:13:47,184 --> 00:13:48,980 to educate you about your ignorance. 270 00:13:49,747 --> 00:13:51,099 - Seriously? - Okay, don't look, 271 00:13:51,135 --> 00:13:53,570 but there's a photographer with a long lens just over there. 272 00:13:53,614 --> 00:13:55,910 We're just having casual lunch with your casual trans friends. 273 00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:59,814 We're showing how casually not transphobic you are. Okay? 274 00:13:59,895 --> 00:14:02,169 All you have to do is talk to them, and not be a bigot. 275 00:14:02,915 --> 00:14:03,983 Can you do that? 276 00:14:09,645 --> 00:14:10,746 Dan Proctor. 277 00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:13,753 Hi. 278 00:14:14,210 --> 00:14:15,211 Hi. 279 00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:27,185 - Hiya. You Allie Gregs? - Yeah. 280 00:14:27,221 --> 00:14:30,129 My name is Melody. I work for Dan Proctor's PR company. 281 00:14:30,192 --> 00:14:31,960 I was just wondering if we could have a chat... 282 00:14:34,025 --> 00:14:35,324 No callbacks. 283 00:14:36,628 --> 00:14:37,562 Oh, God. 284 00:14:38,163 --> 00:14:39,848 - Yep. - How's it going? 285 00:14:39,884 --> 00:14:41,548 Um, not great. 286 00:14:41,588 --> 00:14:43,982 I need someone who's had a baby in the last six weeks. 287 00:14:44,018 --> 00:14:45,497 Oh, hang on. 288 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:47,885 Eve's calling. Let me see if I can patch with her. 289 00:14:51,464 --> 00:14:52,663 I need a baby. 290 00:14:52,699 --> 00:14:55,102 Same thing happened to my friend literally the day she hit 30. 291 00:14:55,138 --> 00:14:56,443 No, I need to borrow one. 292 00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:57,844 Oh, what about Cheryl from Accounts? 293 00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,418 She had a baby, like, a week ago. 294 00:14:59,454 --> 00:15:01,106 - Which one's Cheryl? - Red hair. 295 00:15:02,246 --> 00:15:03,777 She's married to Ian with the beard. 296 00:15:03,831 --> 00:15:06,285 You said she looked like a love child of Ed Sheeran and a cookie. 297 00:15:06,321 --> 00:15:09,477 Oh. Cheryl. Was she pregnant? 298 00:15:09,513 --> 00:15:10,573 Only for nine months. 299 00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:12,424 - Melody, can you text me her address? - Mmm-hmm. 300 00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:13,501 Eve, how's it going on your end? 301 00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:16,359 All good. Operation Some-of-my-best-friends-are-black is a go. 302 00:15:25,284 --> 00:15:28,060 It is so nice of you to come and visit me. 303 00:15:28,131 --> 00:15:32,273 Of course. All the girls and I were talking about you in the office this morning. 304 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:33,908 That's just so sweet. 305 00:15:33,955 --> 00:15:37,857 No offense, but I didn't even know if you knew who I was. 306 00:15:37,908 --> 00:15:40,862 We often feel a bit left out, down in accounts. 307 00:15:41,392 --> 00:15:43,056 Don't be ridiculous. 308 00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:44,709 What's her name? 309 00:15:44,771 --> 00:15:46,051 It's Ivy. 310 00:15:46,109 --> 00:15:47,109 That's beautiful. 311 00:15:47,145 --> 00:15:48,313 Do you want to hold her? 312 00:15:49,191 --> 00:15:50,669 Oh! Um, no, I... 313 00:15:50,703 --> 00:15:52,368 I could really do with peeing. 314 00:15:54,189 --> 00:15:55,621 Okay. 315 00:16:00,122 --> 00:16:03,800 You can have a mussy, so she's not sick on your dress. 316 00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:05,723 Mmm... 317 00:16:11,573 --> 00:16:12,574 What's up, shorty? 318 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,341 Yeah. 319 00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:19,643 I feel the same way. 320 00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:28,682 Hey, you. 321 00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:35,087 You're a natural. 322 00:16:37,169 --> 00:16:39,476 Oh. 323 00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:41,624 Cheryl, how do you fancy getting out of the house today? 324 00:17:30,123 --> 00:17:31,756 You make a terrible spy, you know? 325 00:17:31,844 --> 00:17:33,780 Please, can I just explain a minute? 326 00:17:33,816 --> 00:17:36,540 I have an interview with Abigail Reese at 2:00 pm. 327 00:17:36,576 --> 00:17:37,867 I'm not speaking to anyone else. 328 00:17:37,903 --> 00:17:40,525 Especially not to Dan Dickhead Proctor's PR. 329 00:17:41,889 --> 00:17:42,890 Please? 330 00:17:44,158 --> 00:17:46,630 I'm the new girl in the office. I've only just moved to London. 331 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:50,651 And I hardly know anyone. I'm barely even getting paid, so... 332 00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:53,221 They already think I'm some kind of wide-eyed country bumpkin. 333 00:17:53,257 --> 00:17:55,298 This is the first proper job they've actually given me to do. 334 00:17:55,334 --> 00:17:59,010 So I can't mess it up 'cause then they'll find out I'm a total loser. 335 00:18:00,291 --> 00:18:02,828 Please, I just... I just want them to like me. 336 00:18:04,696 --> 00:18:06,472 Did you seriously just give a speech 337 00:18:06,508 --> 00:18:09,491 about not fitting in to a trans woman? 338 00:18:09,573 --> 00:18:12,194 Jesus. Is there nothing you people won't stoop to? 339 00:18:14,986 --> 00:18:16,486 Oh, tits. 340 00:18:20,202 --> 00:18:23,204 A bit stage-y. Creepy. 341 00:18:23,238 --> 00:18:27,011 Serial killer. Okay, no. We're going for natural humility. 342 00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:35,043 Look, I was just saying that I knew him... I knew her 343 00:18:35,079 --> 00:18:40,311 as a man, so it's confusing knowing what to call them now. 344 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:41,861 Are you married? 345 00:18:41,947 --> 00:18:42,599 Yeah. 346 00:18:42,669 --> 00:18:44,148 What was her last name before you were married? 347 00:18:44,184 --> 00:18:47,724 Sarah? Barker. Sarah Barker. 348 00:18:47,757 --> 00:18:49,290 Then how on earth did you get your head around the fact 349 00:18:49,326 --> 00:18:51,657 that you now have to call her Sarah Proctor? 350 00:18:51,796 --> 00:18:55,060 Christ. It must be so confusing for you. 351 00:18:55,196 --> 00:18:56,394 You're Dan Proctor! 352 00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,364 Sorry? 353 00:18:57,568 --> 00:18:58,848 You're Dan Proctor! 354 00:18:58,903 --> 00:18:59,588 No I'm not. 355 00:18:59,624 --> 00:19:00,874 Oh, come on mate, you're great. 356 00:19:00,945 --> 00:19:03,042 I love that bit you do about Popeye wanking. 357 00:19:04,654 --> 00:19:06,984 That is sick! 358 00:19:07,039 --> 00:19:11,807 I used to do this whole routine about Popeye having much larger forearms than... 359 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,356 It's actually a lot cleverer than he's... 360 00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:15,937 Mate, can I get a picture? 361 00:19:15,999 --> 00:19:16,817 Not now, mate. 362 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,448 Oh, come on. Don't be a dick about it. 363 00:19:18,484 --> 00:19:20,959 You can see that I'm just having a drink with my friends? 364 00:19:20,995 --> 00:19:22,584 Can you turn that camera off? 365 00:19:22,617 --> 00:19:24,362 All right, stop it, now. 366 00:19:24,398 --> 00:19:25,644 Don't shoot this. Don't shoot this! 367 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,116 Uh, why is there a photographer there? 368 00:19:27,152 --> 00:19:28,203 Oh no, no, no. He's not with us. 369 00:19:28,239 --> 00:19:30,654 - Is this a setup? - Mate, you are unbelievable. 370 00:19:30,690 --> 00:19:32,075 No, no, wait, wait. 371 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,426 You're a fucking dinosaur. 372 00:19:34,459 --> 00:19:37,228 And I've seen your Popeye routine. It's shit. 373 00:19:45,086 --> 00:19:46,877 Why is there a baby in reception? 374 00:19:46,913 --> 00:19:47,880 We borrowed it. 375 00:19:47,986 --> 00:19:49,319 For Selena Pope. 376 00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:50,909 Okay's doing the announcements. 377 00:19:51,872 --> 00:19:53,126 Allie Gregs. 378 00:19:53,162 --> 00:19:55,467 I tried talking to her, but she's not interested. 379 00:19:55,522 --> 00:19:59,864 She is meeting Abigail Reese at the Dean Street Hotel at 2:00. 380 00:20:00,565 --> 00:20:02,177 You know Reese. Don't you, Robyn? 381 00:20:02,239 --> 00:20:05,300 No. I used to know her a bit, but I haven't... 382 00:20:05,885 --> 00:20:06,878 Dan Proctor. 383 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,901 Right. Dan Proctor. 384 00:20:08,937 --> 00:20:10,055 You have eleven seconds. 385 00:20:10,091 --> 00:20:13,368 Not great. His twitter feed is exploding with LGBTQ activists 386 00:20:13,404 --> 00:20:16,092 calling for his tour to be pulled. Live nation are shitting themselves. 387 00:20:16,137 --> 00:20:19,545 The video has already made it to all national news outlets and is already up on several websites, 388 00:20:19,581 --> 00:20:22,793 and he just got slapped round the face by a sassy trans activist. 389 00:20:31,043 --> 00:20:33,635 I spoke to Nadia from Big Brother V. 390 00:20:33,671 --> 00:20:35,590 We can claim ignorance... 391 00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:37,944 Well, maybe if we dig deeper into his family life. 392 00:20:38,014 --> 00:20:39,426 Stop. 393 00:20:39,462 --> 00:20:41,491 Christ. 394 00:20:41,561 --> 00:20:44,651 It's like being slowly stung to death by incompetent wasps. 395 00:20:44,687 --> 00:20:45,943 There's blood in the water. 396 00:20:45,976 --> 00:20:49,800 Stop flapping around like a bunch of epileptic penguins and take control. 397 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,660 Here's what we're going to do. 398 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,119 - Yeah. - Allie Gregs, ten o'clock. 399 00:21:04,742 --> 00:21:06,417 What the hell does ten o'clock mean? 400 00:21:06,453 --> 00:21:10,443 Behind you! Left! She's coming your way now. She's coming in. 401 00:21:17,891 --> 00:21:21,050 Oh! I'm so sorry. So sorry. 402 00:21:21,086 --> 00:21:23,481 Oh, my God. Are you Allie Gregs? 403 00:21:23,517 --> 00:21:24,798 Uh, yeah. Yeah. 404 00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,121 I saw your show in Edinburgh. 405 00:21:26,157 --> 00:21:26,724 Oh, really? 406 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,657 This is crazy. I just think you're so brilliant... 407 00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:42,399 Reese! 408 00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:43,414 Robyn, hi. 409 00:21:43,450 --> 00:21:44,605 It's good to see you. 410 00:21:44,641 --> 00:21:45,802 Same. 411 00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:46,638 What are you doing here? 412 00:21:46,674 --> 00:21:47,968 Just work. You? 413 00:21:48,004 --> 00:21:49,806 I'm here to meet... 414 00:21:51,438 --> 00:21:53,704 I'm not meeting Allie Gregs, am I? 415 00:21:53,811 --> 00:21:56,285 Christ. How do you people creep in so quick? 416 00:21:56,347 --> 00:21:58,412 I take it you're looking after Dan Proctor these days. 417 00:21:58,714 --> 00:22:00,349 Why don't we grab a drink? 418 00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:08,590 Yes, I... Hello. Is it Reese? 419 00:22:08,704 --> 00:22:11,396 Not exactly. Um, should we get a drink? 420 00:22:19,771 --> 00:22:20,507 Yeah. 421 00:22:20,543 --> 00:22:21,926 Three Edinburgh festivals. 422 00:22:21,962 --> 00:22:25,130 Eighty-seater, eighty-seater, one hundred and twenty-seater. 423 00:22:25,201 --> 00:22:29,600 Regular slot at London clubs, average capacity between two, three hundred. 424 00:22:29,662 --> 00:22:31,579 Modest regional touring circuit. 425 00:22:31,649 --> 00:22:35,156 - What's your point? - My point is that you're funny. You have something to say. 426 00:22:35,230 --> 00:22:38,263 Unfortunately right now, no one is hearing you say it. 427 00:22:38,463 --> 00:22:40,665 Dan Procter plays to more people in one night 428 00:22:40,701 --> 00:22:42,799 than you have played to in the entire four years of your career. 429 00:22:42,870 --> 00:22:44,597 He won't when I'm finished with him. 430 00:22:44,672 --> 00:22:46,231 Do you really think so? 431 00:22:46,267 --> 00:22:47,826 That video has been up twenty-four hours. 432 00:22:47,862 --> 00:22:49,773 It's already been watched by nearly a million people. 433 00:22:49,809 --> 00:22:51,088 Have you read all the comments? 434 00:22:52,318 --> 00:22:54,634 A biting interview with Abigail Reese, 435 00:22:54,670 --> 00:22:57,265 tearing Mr. Proctor to shreds would be fun 436 00:22:57,301 --> 00:23:01,016 and fair, but it's not going to change things. 437 00:23:01,052 --> 00:23:03,595 The same people will still be sitting in the same pub saying, 438 00:23:03,631 --> 00:23:05,896 I don't see what all the fuss is about. 439 00:23:05,932 --> 00:23:09,496 You don't change opinions by talking to the nodding-dog Guardian readers 440 00:23:09,532 --> 00:23:11,431 who already agree with you. 441 00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:15,172 You change them by pissing in the mainstream. 442 00:23:15,219 --> 00:23:16,687 How exactly do I do that? 443 00:23:17,785 --> 00:23:18,985 Okay. 444 00:23:23,537 --> 00:23:26,937 Entitled, chauvinistic, ball bag 445 00:23:27,005 --> 00:23:30,374 picks fight he can't win with unknown trans comedian. 446 00:23:31,395 --> 00:23:32,283 Ooh. 447 00:23:32,353 --> 00:23:33,755 Looking forward to this. 448 00:23:35,896 --> 00:23:37,743 The perfect PR stunt. 449 00:23:37,812 --> 00:23:39,279 Excuse me? 450 00:23:39,328 --> 00:23:40,326 Think about it. 451 00:23:40,405 --> 00:23:42,945 Dan Proctor is about to announce his biggest tour ever. 452 00:23:43,002 --> 00:23:45,102 Eighteen dates, four at the O2. 453 00:23:45,170 --> 00:23:47,489 You said it yourself. No one talks about Dan Proctor anymore. 454 00:23:47,552 --> 00:23:51,328 He's middle of the road. Mainstream. Not an edge in sight. 455 00:23:51,398 --> 00:23:51,965 But... 456 00:23:52,001 --> 00:23:55,537 If Dan Procter were to be supported on that tour 457 00:23:55,597 --> 00:24:00,277 by the most dynamic and exciting comedian on the circuit who just so happens to be trans... 458 00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:03,857 Now. That's an interesting story. 459 00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:05,826 Not to mention an extraordinary platform 460 00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:09,363 for such a vocal ambassador of the trans community as yourself. 461 00:24:09,501 --> 00:24:11,454 If that were the case, 462 00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:15,403 then staging a fight with that comedian, a fight that actively holds up a mirror 463 00:24:15,439 --> 00:24:18,436 to the ignorance that trans people face every single day... 464 00:24:18,516 --> 00:24:20,982 A fight that accidentally got leaked to a million people. 465 00:24:21,018 --> 00:24:22,849 Well, that just might be a stroke of genius. 466 00:24:24,081 --> 00:24:26,589 Okay, I see where you're going here. But why... 467 00:24:26,625 --> 00:24:29,559 Why the fuck would I even consider sharing a stage with that prick? 468 00:24:30,084 --> 00:24:32,149 I'm not being funny, but... 469 00:24:32,232 --> 00:24:36,110 If you want me to eat that shit, you need to at least give me a spoon. 470 00:24:36,196 --> 00:24:40,130 Dan's management has agreed to give ten percent of the profits to Stonewall. 471 00:24:40,166 --> 00:24:43,213 As well as mention them in all publicity. 472 00:24:43,261 --> 00:24:45,593 He's one of the best known comedians in the UK. 473 00:24:45,768 --> 00:24:47,569 Twelve million Twitter followers. 474 00:24:47,605 --> 00:24:48,982 You think people would actually believe it? 475 00:24:49,042 --> 00:24:52,043 They will if they're given an exclusive by a credible journalist. 476 00:24:52,105 --> 00:24:54,996 Particularly if that credible journalist happens to be 477 00:24:55,052 --> 00:24:57,718 a heavy influencer in the LGBTQ community. 478 00:24:57,933 --> 00:25:01,827 Wouldn't it be fun to be the one journalist who actually got the joke? 479 00:25:02,574 --> 00:25:06,772 Okay, okay, I get it. It's a great platform. You're all crusaders for the cause 480 00:25:06,831 --> 00:25:11,333 and all that. That's grand. But let's cut the crap, shall we? 481 00:25:13,337 --> 00:25:14,238 How much? 482 00:25:16,525 --> 00:25:18,156 Forty-five minutes material. 483 00:25:18,301 --> 00:25:19,966 Fifty percent of the box office. 484 00:25:20,253 --> 00:25:21,560 The O2 is not exactly small. 485 00:25:21,596 --> 00:25:23,780 - Stonewall's ten percent comes out of his cut. - Okay. 486 00:25:23,859 --> 00:25:26,306 - Plus you represent me for free. - For the first six months. 487 00:25:26,342 --> 00:25:27,521 - Twelve. - Eight. 488 00:25:28,707 --> 00:25:29,373 Deal. 489 00:25:30,686 --> 00:25:31,866 Nice doing business with you. 490 00:25:31,902 --> 00:25:33,721 And he's agreed to all this? 491 00:25:33,757 --> 00:25:34,862 Of course, he has. 492 00:25:36,549 --> 00:25:37,613 Fifty percent? 493 00:25:37,649 --> 00:25:39,882 It's actually forty when you factor in Stonewall. 494 00:25:39,918 --> 00:25:41,885 Not to mention our fee. 495 00:25:41,936 --> 00:25:45,409 Well, it's madness! Whatever happened to freedom of speech? 496 00:25:45,467 --> 00:25:49,397 What, the PC patrol get to dictate what I can and can't talk about now, do they? 497 00:25:49,433 --> 00:25:52,915 Dan, I think you can talk about whatever you like. 498 00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:54,786 You just have to be funny. 499 00:25:54,864 --> 00:25:58,490 Belle, get Mr. Proctor here a glass of fizzy water. 500 00:25:58,572 --> 00:26:00,791 And stick a little gin in it. Thanks. 501 00:26:04,443 --> 00:26:06,529 Do you think my Popeye routine is shit? 502 00:26:07,687 --> 00:26:10,254 Absolutely. That's lovely. 503 00:26:10,416 --> 00:26:13,348 That's lovely. It's all lovely. It's great. 504 00:26:13,555 --> 00:26:15,748 Get some more face. Fantastic. 505 00:26:15,784 --> 00:26:18,053 Um, sorry, just, um... 506 00:26:20,559 --> 00:26:22,858 It's... It's ginger. Is that a problem? 507 00:26:22,950 --> 00:26:26,895 Lots of babies are born with ginger hair. Most lose it in the first year. 508 00:26:26,941 --> 00:26:29,426 - I did not know that. Hm! - Mmm-hmm. 509 00:26:29,462 --> 00:26:32,134 Nice big smile. Very nice. 510 00:26:32,170 --> 00:26:33,234 So what do you do? 511 00:26:34,532 --> 00:26:36,426 I'm the mother of the real baby. 512 00:26:36,619 --> 00:26:37,594 You? 513 00:26:37,893 --> 00:26:38,962 Uh... 514 00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:42,166 I suppose I'm the mother of the fake baby. 515 00:26:42,781 --> 00:26:43,815 Hmm. 516 00:26:54,763 --> 00:26:56,098 All set with Allie? 517 00:26:57,152 --> 00:26:57,992 May I? 518 00:26:58,085 --> 00:26:59,119 Yeah. 519 00:27:09,229 --> 00:27:11,659 So, how's Sam? 520 00:27:12,835 --> 00:27:13,736 He's great. 521 00:27:15,797 --> 00:27:17,376 We must stop meeting like this. 522 00:27:18,697 --> 00:27:19,630 House Tricks. 523 00:27:20,463 --> 00:27:22,210 House tricks. Tricks are good. 524 00:27:23,873 --> 00:27:25,641 Maybe we should get a drink later. 525 00:27:25,742 --> 00:27:26,429 Old times sake. 526 00:27:26,487 --> 00:27:27,752 I don't think so. 527 00:27:27,936 --> 00:27:29,835 What was it you always used to say? 528 00:27:30,053 --> 00:27:31,369 Girls don't count. 529 00:27:31,502 --> 00:27:32,280 Reese... 530 00:27:32,316 --> 00:27:35,383 Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're no fun anymore. Of all people... 531 00:27:35,419 --> 00:27:38,953 The reason I don't want to fuck you is not 'cause I'm no fun, it's 'cause you're a clown. 532 00:27:39,241 --> 00:27:41,397 Now please take your hand off my ass. 533 00:27:41,467 --> 00:27:42,756 There's my girl. 534 00:27:42,797 --> 00:27:45,295 Christ, I cannot wait to get shmammered tonight. 535 00:27:45,684 --> 00:27:46,342 Reese... 536 00:27:46,378 --> 00:27:47,319 Eve. How are ya? 537 00:27:47,355 --> 00:27:49,914 Oh, you know. Kicking ass, taking names. You? 538 00:27:49,995 --> 00:27:51,063 Great. 539 00:27:52,111 --> 00:27:53,011 Nice to see you. 540 00:27:56,892 --> 00:27:57,522 What? 541 00:27:57,558 --> 00:27:59,569 Nothing. A bit awkward. 542 00:27:59,605 --> 00:28:01,993 Mmm... It's fine. Ancient history. 543 00:28:02,029 --> 00:28:04,315 I hate bumping into post shags. 544 00:28:04,352 --> 00:28:06,801 I once went to a dinner party, and got stuck opposite a guy 545 00:28:06,837 --> 00:28:09,516 I'd spent an hour tromboning the weekend before. 546 00:28:09,552 --> 00:28:11,723 Kept getting combat flashbacks. 547 00:28:11,996 --> 00:28:12,835 May I ponce? 548 00:28:12,871 --> 00:28:14,023 Mmm, feel free. 549 00:28:16,596 --> 00:28:19,343 Oh, my God. 550 00:28:19,379 --> 00:28:20,647 Oh, no, no, no. It's not... 551 00:28:20,743 --> 00:28:22,544 Shut the front door, that's amazing. 552 00:28:23,584 --> 00:28:24,195 Really? 553 00:28:24,231 --> 00:28:27,937 Christ, yes. It's terrifying, mental, but amazing. 554 00:28:28,094 --> 00:28:30,288 It's times like this I wish my tear ducts worked. 555 00:28:31,953 --> 00:28:34,691 This is not the response I expected. 556 00:28:34,727 --> 00:28:38,361 Why not? It would be a travesty not to continue your gene pool. 557 00:28:38,419 --> 00:28:40,885 I love a mini you hanging around. 558 00:28:40,936 --> 00:28:44,002 We can dress it in freebies and use it to get good parking spaces. 559 00:28:44,124 --> 00:28:45,591 Just make sure it's not a boy. 560 00:28:45,735 --> 00:28:48,533 Don't get too excited. It may not even be a possibility. 561 00:28:48,603 --> 00:28:50,977 I've not exactly looked after myself all these years. 562 00:28:51,433 --> 00:28:53,062 Look, babe. 563 00:28:53,108 --> 00:28:57,269 Sam's amazing. He's like a grown-up, but a grown-up you want to hang out with. 564 00:28:57,314 --> 00:28:58,888 Just promise me you won't leave me. 565 00:28:58,924 --> 00:29:01,213 Buy a Land Rover and move to some god-forsaken Hamlet, 566 00:29:01,249 --> 00:29:03,851 wearing nothing but wellies and clothes with human waste on them. 567 00:29:03,887 --> 00:29:06,167 If it happens, and that is a great big if. 568 00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:09,545 I will be back here within a week with that thing hanging off my tit. 569 00:29:09,940 --> 00:29:10,940 Promise? 570 00:29:11,557 --> 00:29:12,790 Promise. 571 00:29:13,393 --> 00:29:15,596 I don't want to touch it much, so don't be offended. 572 00:29:21,271 --> 00:29:21,905 Hi. 573 00:29:21,941 --> 00:29:23,572 Hey. 574 00:29:23,677 --> 00:29:25,181 - You still up for tonight? - Yeah, of course. 575 00:29:25,217 --> 00:29:28,200 Amazing. I thought we could go to this place my mate was telling me about. 576 00:29:28,236 --> 00:29:29,150 They only do hotdogs, 577 00:29:29,186 --> 00:29:31,718 and then for pudding you have a hotdog as well, but it's made of ice cream. 578 00:29:31,754 --> 00:29:32,806 - That sounds brilliant. - I know. 579 00:29:32,842 --> 00:29:35,403 And apparently, instead of ketchup you get this sauce... 580 00:29:36,959 --> 00:29:39,488 Melody, will you trace out that copy for the okay announcement? 581 00:29:39,524 --> 00:29:40,949 Yeah, of course. I'll do that right away. 582 00:29:42,004 --> 00:29:44,022 Why are you being weird? Have you farted? 583 00:29:45,255 --> 00:29:47,402 Yep. Sorry. 584 00:29:53,401 --> 00:29:57,330 Sorry. Um... You were saying about ketchup? 585 00:29:58,246 --> 00:30:00,327 Oh, uh. It's strawberry sauce. 586 00:30:00,363 --> 00:30:02,493 That sounds excellent. 587 00:30:02,584 --> 00:30:05,553 Okay. You can text me the address and I'll meet you there? 588 00:30:06,325 --> 00:30:07,253 Okay, bye. 589 00:30:35,169 --> 00:30:36,645 This better be worth it. 590 00:30:36,681 --> 00:30:39,419 This is not the sort of underwear you wear if nobody is going to see it. 591 00:30:39,517 --> 00:30:42,449 If it doesn't work out, I'll just have to flash the mini-cab driver on my way home. 592 00:30:51,138 --> 00:30:55,174 Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I keep forgetting about the whole... Just to calm the nerves. 593 00:30:55,210 --> 00:30:56,130 It's fine. 594 00:30:56,166 --> 00:30:59,357 Oi, oi! Here we are! Hi! 595 00:30:59,393 --> 00:31:01,357 Hi, beautiful. Happy birthday! 596 00:31:01,452 --> 00:31:02,408 You remember Eve? 597 00:31:02,444 --> 00:31:05,617 I do! Oh, my God, you look stunning. 598 00:31:05,653 --> 00:31:09,237 God, if I wore that, I would look like a baby in a bib-bag, but you look fantastic. 599 00:31:09,316 --> 00:31:11,516 Actually I was going for sushi roll. 600 00:31:12,981 --> 00:31:13,782 Hey. 601 00:31:16,519 --> 00:31:20,161 Oh, my God. It's gorgeous! 602 00:31:20,218 --> 00:31:22,816 I saw you eyeing up that woman's when we were at lunch a couple weeks ago. 603 00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:25,150 And I thought the color would go great with that new coat you bought. 604 00:31:25,186 --> 00:31:28,700 Oh, it's perfect. It's a freebie, yeah? 605 00:31:30,677 --> 00:31:32,700 No, it's fine! Honestly. 606 00:31:32,736 --> 00:31:36,525 I'd have beaten the crap out of you if you'd spent that much money on a handbag. 607 00:31:36,605 --> 00:31:39,539 All right. Jager bombs. Come on. Who's with me? 608 00:31:53,551 --> 00:31:54,885 - Hi. - Hey. 609 00:31:56,808 --> 00:31:59,619 Nice to see you outside of a church function, I mean... 610 00:31:59,655 --> 00:32:00,486 You look great. 611 00:32:00,522 --> 00:32:02,279 Aww. This old thing? 612 00:32:02,315 --> 00:32:04,860 Uh, can I get a coke, please? 613 00:32:04,896 --> 00:32:09,476 Wow. This is not exactly how my sponsorships usually pan out. 614 00:32:09,563 --> 00:32:10,736 More fun, though, right? 615 00:32:10,772 --> 00:32:15,158 Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Um, I've never been on a blind date before. 616 00:32:15,335 --> 00:32:16,340 How did you know I was single? 617 00:32:16,402 --> 00:32:19,689 Or was I just rocking the whole sad, desperate, heartbroken vibe? 618 00:32:19,725 --> 00:32:20,727 No. No, not at all. 619 00:32:20,763 --> 00:32:22,560 Well, that's a relief. 620 00:32:22,596 --> 00:32:24,173 I'm sorry to hear you had your heart broken. 621 00:32:24,209 --> 00:32:27,096 Oh, it will fix right. That's what I'm assured. 622 00:32:27,132 --> 00:32:28,100 Recent? 623 00:32:28,231 --> 00:32:31,455 Fairly. A bit messy, so I'm, you know, in chaos. 624 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,589 I think I'm familiar with that place. How did... 625 00:32:33,625 --> 00:32:36,568 She screwed someone else. Yeah, so that was good. 626 00:32:37,664 --> 00:32:40,119 Hey. Leave her alone. She's mine. 627 00:32:40,155 --> 00:32:42,217 Oh, this is... This is Ruth. 628 00:32:42,253 --> 00:32:46,519 Ruth! Wow. It's... Robyn said you were a very sexy lady. 629 00:32:46,687 --> 00:32:47,434 Did she now? 630 00:32:47,470 --> 00:32:50,728 No, this is my sister. That was Eve I was talking about. 631 00:32:51,888 --> 00:32:57,068 Brilliant. Cheers. Eve's taking a piss, but it's nice to meet you anyway. 632 00:32:57,104 --> 00:32:58,156 It's my birthday. 633 00:32:58,192 --> 00:33:00,158 Oh! Happy birthday. 634 00:33:00,194 --> 00:33:01,141 Mm. 635 00:33:02,765 --> 00:33:05,564 I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't get you any jager bombs. 636 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:08,037 Hey, you know what? That is... That is quite all right. 637 00:33:08,073 --> 00:33:12,370 But listen, why don't I get the next round. What do you want, the same again? Okay. 638 00:33:13,099 --> 00:33:13,939 He seems nice. 639 00:33:14,021 --> 00:33:14,681 He's here for Eve. 640 00:33:14,717 --> 00:33:17,391 Don't get your knickers in a twist. I just did some coke! 641 00:33:17,427 --> 00:33:18,050 - What? - Yeah. 642 00:33:18,086 --> 00:33:20,623 Eve has some in her little thing. Those are good, aren't they? 643 00:33:20,736 --> 00:33:21,495 Jesus, Ruth. 644 00:33:21,557 --> 00:33:22,668 Oh, don't be all holier-than-thou 645 00:33:22,731 --> 00:33:24,963 just because you are off of it for the millionth time. 646 00:33:24,999 --> 00:33:26,837 It's my birthday. 647 00:33:27,624 --> 00:33:28,957 It's your birthday. 648 00:33:30,878 --> 00:33:31,714 Don't tell Tom. 649 00:33:31,750 --> 00:33:33,177 Right. Whose round? 650 00:33:33,213 --> 00:33:34,445 Tom's getting us some drinks. 651 00:33:34,481 --> 00:33:36,581 Oh he's here, is he? Is he a freak? 652 00:33:36,617 --> 00:33:37,448 He seems really nice. 653 00:33:37,484 --> 00:33:39,489 He is really nice, and you guys need to calm the fuck down 654 00:33:39,556 --> 00:33:40,919 and stop acting like the witches of Eastwood 655 00:33:40,978 --> 00:33:42,254 or he's going to think we're all a bunch of crazies. 656 00:33:42,290 --> 00:33:43,551 Hey! What do you care? 657 00:33:43,587 --> 00:33:48,297 Okay, so in the spirit of mixing drinks, I thought I'd get you tequilas. 658 00:33:49,735 --> 00:33:50,823 Tom, this is Eve. 659 00:33:50,859 --> 00:33:52,337 Oh, Eve. Uh... 660 00:33:52,373 --> 00:33:54,943 I don't actually drink tequila. Do you mind getting me something else? 661 00:33:54,979 --> 00:33:58,440 Yeah, no. Uh, yeah, what, uh... Jager bomb? 662 00:33:58,476 --> 00:34:00,742 Jager bomb it is. I'll get that. 663 00:34:00,808 --> 00:34:02,157 Since when do you not like tequila? 664 00:34:02,226 --> 00:34:03,644 I'm negging him. 665 00:34:03,705 --> 00:34:04,986 All part of the strat. 666 00:34:05,937 --> 00:34:07,205 This is fun. 667 00:34:09,571 --> 00:34:10,891 Well, this place is wicked! 668 00:34:10,927 --> 00:34:11,971 Yeah. 669 00:34:12,053 --> 00:34:13,889 I heard some of the girls talking about it at work. 670 00:34:13,956 --> 00:34:18,791 And apparently, they serve a cocktail here that's, like, got an actual goldfish in it. 671 00:34:18,867 --> 00:34:20,163 - Sick. - Yeah. 672 00:34:23,262 --> 00:34:26,126 I'm having such a fun night. 673 00:34:26,162 --> 00:34:27,276 - Really? - Mmm-hmm 674 00:34:27,312 --> 00:34:30,040 Oh, God. I was so nervous when I asked you out. 675 00:34:30,130 --> 00:34:32,887 I've never really been out with one of the office girls before. They don't really talk to me. 676 00:34:32,923 --> 00:34:35,874 Just give me dirty looks when I'm replacing their printer paper. 677 00:34:35,910 --> 00:34:37,393 - Oh, my God. - What? 678 00:34:37,464 --> 00:34:41,935 Sorry, I've just, like... I've just bitten my tongue. 679 00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:44,675 Sorry... 680 00:34:45,697 --> 00:34:46,831 Carry on. 681 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:49,530 So you guys met at the drugs thing? 682 00:34:49,566 --> 00:34:51,297 - Eve. - Oh sorry, sorry. Is that supposed to be a secret? 683 00:34:51,333 --> 00:34:53,744 No, the name "narcotics anonymous" is just ironic. 684 00:34:53,780 --> 00:34:55,553 Why don't we talk about something else? 685 00:34:55,589 --> 00:34:57,255 Tom, what's your story? 686 00:34:57,950 --> 00:34:59,321 My story? 687 00:34:59,357 --> 00:35:01,523 Banker, lost loads of money, couldn't hack it? 688 00:35:01,559 --> 00:35:05,659 Not quite. I was a dancer at the English National Ballet for eleven years. 689 00:35:05,762 --> 00:35:10,015 I started taking the coke to keep my energy up. Keep the weight off. 690 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:13,790 Then I busted my ankle. Couldn't dance anymore, so left the company, 691 00:35:13,855 --> 00:35:17,813 but I didn't leave the coke. And it got to the stage where I realized, 692 00:35:17,911 --> 00:35:21,836 I needed to stop doing it, 'cause it turned me into a massive dick. 693 00:35:21,927 --> 00:35:25,661 So you're a ballet dancer. That's hilarious. 694 00:35:25,697 --> 00:35:29,872 I knew you had a bit of gay in you. Speaking of which, I'm going for a fag. 695 00:35:29,908 --> 00:35:30,627 Anyone else? 696 00:35:30,710 --> 00:35:32,171 No thanks, I'm good. 697 00:35:36,052 --> 00:35:39,466 You see, you're not what I imagined a PR girl to be. 698 00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,901 She's exactly what I imagined a PR girl to be. 699 00:35:41,978 --> 00:35:44,085 She's all right underneath. She's just nervous. 700 00:35:44,901 --> 00:35:49,104 Oi, you! I want tequila. 701 00:35:50,558 --> 00:35:51,862 It makes me happy. 702 00:35:54,158 --> 00:35:57,558 The thing is I get so nervous, and all this crazy stuff comes out, 'cause I'm freaking out 703 00:35:57,594 --> 00:36:00,262 and my mouth just starts, you know, chat, chat, chatting. 704 00:36:00,618 --> 00:36:02,051 Oh, my God. 705 00:36:02,087 --> 00:36:03,645 What? Bite your tongue again? 706 00:36:13,305 --> 00:36:14,406 Wow. 707 00:36:14,852 --> 00:36:16,152 I'm sorry. 708 00:36:25,855 --> 00:36:30,321 Um... Would you like to go somewhere else? 709 00:36:31,106 --> 00:36:32,206 Sounds great. 710 00:36:32,344 --> 00:36:33,143 Great. 711 00:36:36,252 --> 00:36:39,778 This is Kelly. She's so clever. 712 00:36:39,825 --> 00:36:40,748 She's awesome. 713 00:36:40,784 --> 00:36:41,902 - Hey. - It's me. 714 00:36:41,938 --> 00:36:43,682 Have you seen The Guardian online? 715 00:36:50,201 --> 00:36:52,752 Congratulations. You just reversed back up a cliff. 716 00:36:52,828 --> 00:36:54,649 Yeah, it's a bit like when I had that colonoscopy. 717 00:36:54,685 --> 00:36:55,919 I know I should have thanked the doctor, 718 00:36:55,955 --> 00:36:57,751 but all I wanted to do was punch him in the face. 719 00:36:57,787 --> 00:36:59,174 You're welcome, Dan. 720 00:36:59,276 --> 00:37:00,813 "Middle-aged comedian." 721 00:37:00,883 --> 00:37:03,692 172,000 words in the English language, 722 00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:05,031 and that's my adjective? Is that... 723 00:37:05,067 --> 00:37:06,144 We'll speak soon. 724 00:37:08,599 --> 00:37:11,443 No, no, no! 725 00:37:11,517 --> 00:37:13,865 Hey! No work tonight, please. 726 00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:18,587 Okay, so if I told you I had some coke in my bag, could I tempt you? 727 00:37:18,623 --> 00:37:21,086 Boy, yeah, you could certainly tempt me. 728 00:37:21,122 --> 00:37:24,521 I think that would be a strange thing to do to a recovering drug addict. 729 00:37:24,557 --> 00:37:25,711 Drug addict? 730 00:37:25,747 --> 00:37:26,747 Sounds exciting. 731 00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:28,321 Really? 732 00:37:31,066 --> 00:37:33,265 What are you doing? 733 00:37:33,301 --> 00:37:34,561 Uh, what do you mean? 734 00:37:34,597 --> 00:37:35,307 I don't know. 735 00:37:35,362 --> 00:37:37,872 I can't figure out if you're trying to be cool or sexy, 736 00:37:37,908 --> 00:37:40,598 or if you're just a massive tit. 737 00:37:41,806 --> 00:37:42,894 I mean, look at you, 738 00:37:42,930 --> 00:37:45,815 you're wearing stockings. This isn't Mad Men. 739 00:37:45,865 --> 00:37:47,686 It's a Wednesday night. 740 00:37:47,752 --> 00:37:50,330 Your underwear probably costs more than a mini break to Budapest. 741 00:37:50,366 --> 00:37:54,462 Don't get me wrong. You look hot, but Budapest is a beautiful city. 742 00:37:54,500 --> 00:37:57,908 And as for this, do you really think I care? 743 00:37:58,022 --> 00:38:01,575 I stopped being impressed by people taking drugs when I was 14. 744 00:38:01,619 --> 00:38:05,063 A drunken goatman got so high, he started seeing ghosts in a kebab shop. 745 00:38:05,099 --> 00:38:08,068 Shat his Fred Perry jeans. Yes, okay? 746 00:38:08,104 --> 00:38:10,402 I did a lot of cocaine. No, I don't do it anymore. 747 00:38:10,438 --> 00:38:11,958 Now, can we please move on 748 00:38:11,994 --> 00:38:15,033 before I take one of your stupidly high-heeled shoes 749 00:38:15,069 --> 00:38:17,269 and stab myself in the eye 750 00:38:17,380 --> 00:38:19,515 just to stop your banter? 751 00:38:22,471 --> 00:38:24,100 I'm sorry. That was a little bit... 752 00:38:24,136 --> 00:38:25,803 - I'll, uh, go. - You have to come with me. 753 00:38:25,852 --> 00:38:27,117 - What? - Mmm. 754 00:38:27,168 --> 00:38:28,897 Me. Come with me. Now. 755 00:38:29,034 --> 00:38:31,002 - Just get in there. - Right. We're in here. 756 00:38:31,671 --> 00:38:32,611 What are you doing? 757 00:38:36,649 --> 00:38:37,832 Okay, now... 758 00:38:42,703 --> 00:38:44,370 Ouch. Ouch. 759 00:38:45,874 --> 00:38:47,154 I want you to fuck me. 760 00:38:47,190 --> 00:38:48,291 Okay. 761 00:38:49,882 --> 00:38:50,983 Don't you want this? 762 00:38:51,795 --> 00:38:52,663 And this... 763 00:38:53,299 --> 00:38:54,467 And this... 764 00:38:55,277 --> 00:38:57,134 Yeah. Um... 765 00:38:57,170 --> 00:38:59,501 Why are you acting like you're in a chocolate mousse advert? 766 00:38:59,537 --> 00:39:02,271 I want you to destroy me. 767 00:39:02,368 --> 00:39:04,506 Okay. I mean, that sounds great though. 768 00:39:04,578 --> 00:39:06,173 - We're in a disabled toilet. - I know. 769 00:39:06,209 --> 00:39:09,185 Look, there's a bar on the wall for people getting in and out of wheelchairs. 770 00:39:09,221 --> 00:39:10,755 - Wheelchairs. - It's one of those pulley things 771 00:39:10,817 --> 00:39:12,537 - for if you have an accident. - Uh-huh. 772 00:39:12,573 --> 00:39:15,094 Why don't you come back to my nice, comfy flat. 773 00:39:15,178 --> 00:39:16,909 - We'll stick some music on. - Stick on. 774 00:39:16,945 --> 00:39:19,311 And then we can think about destroying each other. 775 00:39:20,628 --> 00:39:22,316 - Okay? - Okay. 776 00:39:22,352 --> 00:39:23,386 All right. 777 00:39:26,728 --> 00:39:30,113 Oh, my God. I wish I could do this every fucking day! 778 00:39:30,203 --> 00:39:31,903 Believe me, you don't. 779 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:33,929 Yes, I fucking do! 780 00:39:38,907 --> 00:39:40,242 Oh, for fuck's sake. 781 00:39:41,289 --> 00:39:41,985 Hey. 782 00:39:42,021 --> 00:39:45,311 Sorry. I'm just really fucking drunk. 783 00:39:45,722 --> 00:39:46,657 Shh. 784 00:39:47,728 --> 00:39:49,125 I need another drink. 785 00:39:49,161 --> 00:39:50,472 All right. I'll get you one. 786 00:40:11,457 --> 00:40:13,476 Hey! Hey! 787 00:40:13,512 --> 00:40:16,285 Get off her. She's got two kids at home, you sleaze! 788 00:40:18,492 --> 00:40:19,526 Whoa! 789 00:40:20,203 --> 00:40:21,466 All right, all right. 790 00:40:21,536 --> 00:40:22,470 Come on. 791 00:40:39,289 --> 00:40:40,390 Come on. 792 00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:50,328 I want popcorn. 793 00:40:50,464 --> 00:40:51,398 All right. 794 00:40:52,085 --> 00:40:53,699 All right. Come on. 795 00:40:55,121 --> 00:40:56,884 Okay, just... 796 00:40:57,827 --> 00:40:59,061 Hold on. 797 00:40:59,276 --> 00:41:00,632 Yep. Come on. 798 00:41:00,668 --> 00:41:02,639 Feet, up. 799 00:41:05,725 --> 00:41:07,005 The hell is going on? 800 00:41:07,078 --> 00:41:08,412 She's feeling a little rough. 801 00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,537 I can speak for myself! 802 00:41:11,939 --> 00:41:13,247 I'm feeling a little rough. 803 00:41:13,283 --> 00:41:14,787 Jesus, Ruth, what's wrong with you? 804 00:41:14,823 --> 00:41:16,430 Oh, F-off! 805 00:41:16,466 --> 00:41:17,727 Oh, that's nice. That's really nice. 806 00:41:17,763 --> 00:41:20,264 I am here every day. I'm looking after them... 807 00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:21,677 Mummy? 808 00:41:22,057 --> 00:41:24,892 Oh, hey, baby. Hey. Did Mo... 809 00:41:27,566 --> 00:41:28,714 Is Mummy sick? 810 00:41:28,750 --> 00:41:30,395 Mommy is just feeling a little poorly, sweetheart. 811 00:41:30,431 --> 00:41:32,029 Come on, let's get you back to bed. 812 00:41:32,065 --> 00:41:32,892 I want Mommy. 813 00:41:32,928 --> 00:41:34,957 Yeah, well, she's making silly noises. 814 00:41:36,358 --> 00:41:37,693 I want Mummy. 815 00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,522 I'm twenty-fucking-nine. 816 00:42:22,608 --> 00:42:27,608 Subtitles by explosiveskull