Hello.
He fuckin' pushed me!
Robyn.
Robyn?
Robyn, I think that's your phone.
Oh, shoot.
Uh, if I can just get that threshold and stop, I... I...
Uh... Yeah. But, of course, I wouldn't stop.
I'm not sure what triggered it, honestly, some times I feel like I can see it coming,
but some times it... It's just... It's there.
And it takes you by surprise.
So, yeah, we had this fight and I can't really remember what it was about.
Uh...
Me being an idiot again, probably.
I'm sorry.
It's off.
You being an idiot?
Yeah. Right.
So, the next thing I know, I'm in the disabled toilets, hitting the nose bag
and getting a handjob off one of the male waiters.
And the sense of... of...
Uber for Robyn.
Yup.
Thank you.
Bye.
Subtitles by explosiveskull
Hi.
Hey, Rob.
You're late.
- You went to a meeting? - Mmm-hmm.
For real?
Baby, that is... Fantastic. Come.
Don't make a thing of it.
Guys, wine's away, diet cokes all around.
- Oh. - Well, we're doing this again, are we?
- Oh... - What?
I'm kidding. Its great news. Great news, Rob.
- Diet coke it is. - That's sweet
but just cause I'm a fuck-up, doesn't have to ruin everyone else's night.
Well, we're here to support you. Right?
Yeah, just tell us whatever you need, sis.
I need you to stop treating me like a Make-A-Wish kid and have a drink.
I'm NA, not AA. It's fine.
- You sure? - Yes!
Well, thank Christ for that.
I haven't had dinner, sober since the '90s.
Really proud of you.
Oh no, no, go ahead, serve yourself, babe.
We're good.
- I'm just making sure its... - Not corked.
To be honest, it's kind of strange at first but then, it's liberating.
Like the first time you wear a swimming cap.
God, but all of it? It just seems so exposing!
I mean, God, let's not forget, I have pushed two babies out of that bad boy.
I think you should try it.
You do not get a say in the grooming of my snooch.
- Snooch? - Yes, Sam, my snooch!
Do you have a problem with that?
I do not have a problem with your snooch.
Excuse me, my wife's mins you're talking about.
Hmm... Tell you what. I will shave mine if you shave yours.
- Deal. - No!
No, no, porn stars do it all the time.
Don't tell me, you've never shaved your balls.
No, but you are one hairy motherfucker though, man.
Oh, my God, you're right. Where would he start?
It'll be like when you shave a square off a dog for an operation.
What if I stop at the knees and the nipples?
I'm serious! Just here to here. Completely hairless. Just zip!
- I'm gonna be okay. - Plus.
It makes your dick look bigger, apparently. So, who will be the one laughing then?
I'm pretty sure it'll still be us, mate.
Hon, you sure you want another?
Well, that is you told.
That it is. Right. I am gonna go for a smoke.
- Oh no, you're not. - Yes, I am.
I'm gonna join you.
Wedded bliss.
Didn't know he was smoking again.
Yeah.
That's an exciting new development.
Hey, Robyn!
Come on, watching people getting slowly drunk is like
being Stevie Wonder in a fireworks display.
I'm going for him, not me. As long as he's happy.
Public relations.
- Hello? - When the phone rings, you answer.
I'm sorry, I just...
I don't care if you be in a car crash, both your arms are broken,
and you've got a mouth full of shattered teeth,
you spit them out, get someone else to hold the phone,
and you murr me a gummy response.
- That clear? - That's pretty clear.
Summer Bolton has been dropped by her record label.
Round table. 9:00 am.
Yup.
One of the mothers at Kelly's school once got it all waxed
and she said, it made her moo like a cow.
Literally.
She was on all fours and she mooed like poked cow.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, God, no.
Working hard I see.
Is that the guy from Dragon's Den?
What the hell is he doing?
He wants to get on I Miss Celebs.
He sent me an audition tape of him eating things.
He's already eaten three earthworms, a chicken scat strip and now,
he's going for the sheep's testicle.
Ooh!
Tough little bugger those are.
Oh... God!
It's like a meat cream egg.
Don't they have everyone in place for this year?
Yeah, yeah. Weeks ago.
But seeing as you are repeatedly trying to touch
Fanny Lennox at last year's Christmas party,
I thought I'd keep his dreams alive a little longer.
Fanny Lennox?
My new name for the notorious V-A-G.
- So, are you in this round table? - Yup.
Remind me of the deets again.
Ever Cater Price, are you telling me you haven't done your homework?
Okay, so, I was doing it but then I got booty called by the imp.
You shouldn't call him that.
Why? He's like 5'4". That's why he's always so angry.
Anyway, so, we're like half a bottle of Bombay in,
and start having one of those flirty conversations about how kinky we are
at a scale of one to ten.
Hmm. Tricky, 'cause anything under five and you're gonna sound like a prune.
But go too high, and you're basically saying, "Piss on me, I'm slut," I know.
- I think I'll go seven. - That's what I thought.
Safe seven. A bit of bondage, bum sex, if forewarned, light spanking,
everyone's a winner.
So, proceedings got underway and suddenly, this happens.
Is that a cigarette burn?
Shouldn't have even been smoking in the flat.
My landlord finds out, she will shit kittens.
Jesus! What did you do?
Well, I elbowed him in the face, broke his nose, blood everywhere.
Unfortunately, this just turned him on even more.
Christ! Eve!
This is good. You're freaking out.
I freaked out. I was worried I was being uptight.
No! You chucked him out, right?
Of course. This morning.
- Eve. - I know.
Not my finest moment. But I did break the guy's nose.
It's always the short ones.
I know right.
Lucky I didn't say I was a ten.
Robyn, here's that info you wanted on Summer Bolton.
Ooh, you sneaky bitch!
I printed it in duplicate.
Is she coming in? My mum loves her.
What are the headlines?
Okay, well, she won Britain's Got Talent, two years ago, when she was 15.
I thought the great dancing granddads won it two years ago.
No, that was last year. But they only made it to the semis'
because they got beaten by those boys with all the talking fruit.
Anyway, her first album won two classical Brits,
then she had a Christmas number one with a charity single
for Help for Heroes called Lovely Boys.
And her manager is her mother, Joan.
Oh, Christ! A momager.
Ruthless beasts.
There was a girl at my prep school whose mother gave a drama teacher
a handjob just so that her daughter could play the lead in the school play.
Which, ironically, happened to be Daisy Pulls It Off.
Thanks for this.
Your hair looks nice, by the way.
Oh, thanks.
Few more of those, you'll be able to start your own currency.
I'm doing it for real this time.
Time to grow up. Be a good girl.
You are a good girl.
You're one of the best girls I know.
Are you familiar with the story of the scorpion and the frog?
Did they go out to sea in a beautiful pea green boat?
No, that was somebody else.
So, Scorpion asks Frog for a ride across the river.
Frog's like, "As if. You'll sting me."
The Scorpion's like, "Of course, I won't."
"If I sting you, I'll drown too."
So, Froggy agrees.
They reach the middle of the river and suddenly...
Zap! Scorpion stings the crap out of Frog.
And as they sink slowly in the black water, the frog looks up and is like,
Why did you do that?
And Scorpion stared down at him and says, "It's in my nature."
And they both drown.
As much as I hate to break up this little pow-wow,
Caroline has a rich teenager in her boardroom.
And she doesn't like to keep those waiting.
Okay, Summer's label are going to announce the news on Friday.
So we until then to turn this
from a car crash into the Gumball Rally.
She wants to ditch the classical and move into adult pop.
Our job is a top-down re-brand.
She's heading in a very different direction.
It's much edgier.
She's working with Tiny Temper.
Look, people just think of me as a little girl, but I'm not.
I wanna be taken seriously.
She wants to be sexy.
Swift sexy or Rihanna sexy?
- Rihanna sexy. - Well...
- Budget? - Limited.
Drug habit?
Few track marks, easily done.
Not very sexy, not for a girl.
Mental breakdown. Shave your head, piss in a bucket, buy a monkey.
No mental breakdowns, no substance abuse. They work only for actresses.
- From an old boyfriend? - Too much of a slow burn.
I don't care what I have to do.
I'm 17 years old and I'm not ready for my career to be over.
My best friend works six days a week in H&M for, like, £400.
- Fuck that. - Summer.
What about a sex tape?
There hasn't been a good one of those in a while.
Okay, hang on just a second.
Not really classy.
But is classy really what we're going for here?
Ooh, lesbians.
Lesbians, perfect.
On trend and much less seedy than straight.
Certainly wouldn't look like a little girl anymore.
It's well shot. Intended for private use.
Grown up, sophisticated. Think Madonna.
Old Madonna. Not old Madonna.
Then it gets leaked, hacked from your Cloud,
you're horrified, you make a public admission.
How betrayed you feel.
Getting the sympathy vote from the girls.
Whilst turning yourself into a filthy little minx.
Nation's sweetheart's dirty secret.
And if the new album tanks,
sell a tape online,
still make a fortune.
And we can turn this around in 48 hours.
- Absolutely. - Now, hold on just a second.
This is my daughter we're talking about.
It's pornography.
I play golf with men who watch pornography.
Dad, this is my career.
- Summer, you can't... - Mum, tell him.
- Darling. - Joan, you can't seriously...
This is her life,
and if she wants to make a sex tape, she can make a sex tape.
Unless, of course, you want to stop using her royalties to pay off our mortgage.
Oh, no. Of course you can't.
'Cause you got fired from your job
for asking your secretary to sit on the photocopier.
Excellent.
Well, we'll leave you two to discuss,
and I'll get the girls to draw up some ideas.
Hi, I heard there was a problem with the...
Yeah, hi. Um...
I had troubles printing, but it's working again.
Oh, okay.
Great.
Do you want a biscuit?
I made them for the office.
But Eve told me to throw them away 'cause they've got flour in them.
All right. Okay.
Well, I'm sure the guys downstairs would be more grateful.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Hot coffee, in my mouth.
And I need you to make me a list of every female celeb
between the ages of 16 and 35 with something to sell.
Records, movies, themselves.
I don't care.
Low moral fiber preferred.
Will do that.
- So, what's she like? - Hmm?
Summer.
Is she nice?
She's a sweetheart.
I knew she would be.
You can help us with her sex tape if you like.
- Sex tape? - Yes.
- Of Summer Bolton? - Yes.
- Having sex. - Yes.
You have a tape of Summer Bolton having sex?
No, we're making a tape of Summer Bolton having sex.
Robin, I think this one's broken. Why don't we get a new one?
Oh, my goodness.
I still need that list, Melody.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
Yes, cool. No problem.
That is cool.
Bless.
If my coffee comes back cold again, I'm just gonna throw it in her face.
Robin, there's a man in a polyester suit
waiting in the reception for you.
Sorry to bother you at work.
I was just in the area, thought I'd pop in, say hello.
What were you doing in the area?
You know, looking for your office.
Okay, good. Uh, you know,
earlier in the year, I said that I was leaving my position at work
but staying within the company to become a contractor...
Earlier in the year?
Talked to Ruth and you about it loads... No?
Okay. Well, I said it didn't make any sense.
Staying on a salary when they kept hiring these contractors
who were getting paid almost double what I was,
and they were getting to choose their own hours,
and even though there was some minor risk to job security...
Mark, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
I've lost my job.
- What? - Oh, it's fine.
Just a bit... Bit, um...
The company I'm working for are cutting back,
and as I'm, strictly speaking, no longer an employee,
they, uh...
Hey, I'll find something else, okay?
- When did this happen? - Three months ago.
And Ruth doesn't know?
I felt something else would come up.
And what am I supposed to say to her?
"Hi, honey, how are you? By the way, don't bother fixing dinner,
"'cause I can't afford any food to feed the kids?"
Where the hell have you been going for the past three months?
I don't know, cafes.
Parks.
Or sometimes, I just stay on the circle line till it's time to go home.
You have to tell her.
You, better than anyone, knows what she's like with money.
Remember when she was pregnant? She will freak out.
She's obsessed she'll end up broke like her mum.
Took me three years to persuade her we can afford Sky Television.
We still haven't got the movie package.
Why are you telling me?
I don't know, you're...
Good at fixing things for people, and...
Look, there's stuff on the horizon,
I just need something to get through the next few weeks.
If Ruth finds out that I know, and she doesn't,
she's gonna lose her shit,
and I know you've seen my sister angry.
She makes Chris Brown look like a fucking hippie.
Yes, well, I don't know who that is.
But look, Robyn, I'm not asking you for me.
You have one month to sort your shit out,
and then I tell her.
What is it you do, again?
Well, essentially what I do is
design networks for multinational...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Computers, right?
Right.
So this is how it's gonna work.
We make the tape, we share it discreetly with a few sources,
the highest bidder then leaks it on to their website,
and you get paid a predetermined sum in the form of legal damages.
After an agreed period of time,
we then, remove the tape,
and then place an injunction to prevent other people from using the footage.
At that time, should you so chose,
- we can further monetize the tape. - Monetize it?
This is Mark, our technical communications specialist.
He'll explain how it all works.
Right. Yes. Um... Thank you, Robyn.
Well, what we would do
is set up a number of third party sites
which couldn't be linked back to you.
These sites would then stream the tape
for a fee, your royalties,
all of which would be transferred directly to you.
Minus Mark and our commissions, obviously.
Now, this amount can vary greatly
depending on if you're a Titmuss or a Kardashian.
Let's say, Summer is somewhere between the two.
So here's a list of potential co-stars.
Oh, God, I hate her.
She's lovely. We saw her on Graham Norton, didn't we, Ed?
- Who's that one at the bottom? - She's an Olympian.
- No medals though. - Oh... An Olympian.
- Too muscley. - My personal opinion...
This is the one. Carly Peters. Everyone loves a soap star.
Plus, she just got her contract canceled,
for using the 'n' word on Twitter, so this would be the perfect opportunity,
for her to prove that she's not a racist.
It also means she'll be cheap.
- I like her. - Great.
We'll get her in this afternoon for some STD checks.
- STD checks? - Just to, you know, be on the safe side.
Safe, not sorry, Summer.
Well, you guys sit tight. I'll get to work.
And my assistant will get you some lunch.
Sorry. My mum... My mum just loves you, by the way.
Um, when you did Castle on a Cloud at the Royal Variety,
you had us both gushing.
This is the list of websites you need to talk to.
Right.
- And I need you to sign this. - What's this?
It's a non-disclosure agreement.
This is what you do all day.
I thought you just flounce around drinking white wine and air kissing.
Now, please.
I'm sorry if I was unsupportive earlier.
I think what you're doing is great.
- What? - You know...
NA, Sam, being a grown up.
I only take the piss 'cause it's easier for me to be a hot mess
if my best friend's a hot mess too.
Don't worry, babe. I'll always be a mess.
You know, I think about it sometimes.
Finding the boy to run me baths and cook me dinners.
Problem is, I know the minute I find someone nice enough
to run me a bath, I'd probably drown him in it.
I guess, that's why I'm doomed to life as a human ashtray.
Oh, bull-wax.
- What? - I just pissed on my grandma's ring.
- What is that? - For the STD lady.
- You're getting checked too? - Damn straight.
How often does the mountain come to Mohamed?
Saves me a job this quarter. You should get involved.
Yeah. The last time I pissed in a cup was at Glastonbury.
- Fill your boots. - You almost did.
- Hi. - Come on, then.
I actually just wanted to ask a couple of questions. Is that okay?
Okay.
How reliable is the contraceptive pill?
No form of contraceptive is 100%...
No, I appreciate that,
but is that some old wives' tale you tell teenage girls, to stop them from being all slutty
or can I actually get pregnant?
You can actually get pregnant.
My boyfriend and I are trying for a baby.
But you're on the pill?
It's complicated.
My mother was a difficult woman
and she made life difficult
for a lot of people, including her children.
And I... I just wouldn't...
Where do you stand on the whole nature-nurture thing?
I'm just a nurse, honey.
You know, there are still tribes in South America
that believe that babies are made from a combination of sperm,
from multiple males and mom has sex with a bunch of different dudes
and then they all share in the upbringing of the child.
I had sex with some other guy.
A client, actually. And now I'm a week late.
So, let me get this straight.
Your're trying for a baby with your boyfriend,
but you had sex with someone who isn't your boyfriend.
But you're on the pill and you're worried that you're pregnant.
Or you want to be pregnant?
I mess everything up and I wouldn't want to mess up something like that.
Why are you telling me all this?
You have that doctor-patient confidentiality thing, right?
I'm not a doctor, but yes.
I am trying to be better,
but what if I don't actually have "better" in me?
You should find someone to talk to who isn't a stranger.
- Hello. - There's something going on with Mark.
- What do you mean? - I was going through his pockets,
and I found this list of websites.
Rob, you should have seen some of the stuff on there.
Have you ever heard of a boo-cake?
- A what? - It's when a lady
just sits there with her mouth open
while a gang of men hover over her
like they are all angrily watering the same plant.
Oh, bukkake.
It's awful. I've Googled and it says it can have a serious effect on your life.
- Bukkake? - No. Porn addiction.
- What? - It all makes sense.
This is why he's been acting so weird for the last few weeks.
They say it can cause depression, it can affect your relationships,
your work.
Hon, I'm sure there's some more logical explanation.
We've not had sex in nine weeks.
I mean, we've had droughts before,
but usually after a week or two, I at least get a sleepy erection
pressed into the small of my back.
- Too much information. - Do you think I should confront him about it?
No. No, just...
Give it a bit more time.
I'm sure it will sort itself out.
Sort?
Look, I have to go but I'll pop around tomorrow, all right?
This is so exciting. Reminds me of the old days.
I used to be a bit of an actress myself, before I had Summer.
I always loved being on set.
How's she doing?
Yeah, she's great, she's really excited.
Rob?
Carly!
Great to see you! Come in.
Wow, you look great. Love the shoes.
Uh, this is Summer, who you'll be having sex with this morning.
Hiya.
Nice to meet you, Carly. I thought you were just great in Emmerdale.
Oh, listen, just so it's all cleared up, that Twitter stuff...
I was just retweeting a joke someone said. I've got nothing against blacks.
Great. Okay. You two should probably decide what you want to do.
The choreography is totally up for grabs,
but just be prepared that if it's too soft, people are gonna call bullshit.
Sure.
I'm cool. I just don't want to shove anything up anywhere or nothing.
Understood.
You okay with nudity?
As long as it's tasteful.
- Hi. - This is Peter, the Director.
So, plan is to keep it really glossy and premium.
We'll go for a narrow depth of field, shooting on 4k,
with a beautiful backlight for that sensual feel.
Sure.
We're going with the narrative that it's Carly's boyfriend behind the camera.
Clever
How's your porn talk?
Porn talk?
Sex tape 101. Nothing worse than seeing a woman with the dead eyes of a shark,
mumbling her way through it like it's homework. Naming no names. Paris Hilton.
So plenty of...
"That's it! That's it!" That kind of thing.
Plenty of squeaks and squeals.
Always good. A little bit of a tremble.
Just have fun with it. Be creative.
"Ooh. Stick it up there. Scissor me.
"Come on, you filthy bitch. Suck it like a fig."
Sorry, I just...
Can somebody get us some mints or something?
Summer!
She's never done anything like this. It must be stage fright.
Summer. It's Robyn. Can I come in?
You know, you don't have to do this.
Sweetie,
there's a lot of people out here putting a lot of effort into getting this done for you.
Remember what we always say.
"Being professional is doing the things that you love to do
"on the days you don't feel like doing them."
She'll be fine.
I remember her first Lion King audition at 11.
Bundle of nerves. All worried about missing school, and all this nonsense.
Get's in the room, blew it.
Can't remember her words, forgets all the steps. Useless.
So when we get home, I make her pay back all our train fares up to London
out of her pocket money. So she'd understand the sacrifices people make for her.
Never fluffed an audition again.
Summer. You open that door right now, young lady.
Summer, if you're not 100% comfortable, we can pull the plug.
I don't want to be unprofessional
- You're not. - Mum would be furious.
Don't take this the wrong way, but your mum is being a bit of an ass.
This is your call.
I'm scared that I'm gonna look like an idiot.
There's a whole team of people out there whose job it is to make sure you look great.
You don't understand, I don't know what I'm doing.
Why don't you just pretend you're having sex with your boyfriend or something?
No, I literally mean I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm a virgin.
And?
Well she's terrified.
And...
She doesn't want to do the tape.
So convince her.
I'm not sure I should be convincing a 17-year-old to do pornography.
What is it you think we do, Robyn? The glossy, well-thumbed magazines...
The websites full of salacious little thumbnails.
The mail online is essentially a porn-hub for the masses.
I thought Pornhub was pornhub for the masses.
In less than 17 hours, news will be out that Summer has been dropped by her label.
And when that happens, her career will be over. She'll be on the scrap-heap by 18.
A couple of years of Panto if she's lucky.
And nothing but the wasteland of reality television awaits.
You can't save her soul, focus on her career.
She may be playing coy now, but when she's gone from hot to not,
she'll be sucking a runner off in an alleyway for a 30-second OB on Good Morning, Britain.
Just to keep the dream alive.
- Couldn't we just... - This was your idea. You make it work.
Or instead of a sex tape, we'll be making a snuff tape of me murdering you.
Which I shall sell to recoup the money you've wasted hiring all these people
not to make a sex tape!
Keep it coming. I want to look like a ten-year-old boy before you're done.
I can't believe she's a virgin.
Wow. When I was Summer's age, my hymen was a long-forgotten dream.
We can't force her to lose her virginity.
Oh, come on. It's with a girl. Girls don't count.
I watched her duet with Bryn Turfell in Children in Need.
We could get her drunk. That's what I do when I don't want to have sex with someone.
Look, we've all had to fake it at some point in our lives.
It's an unfortunate inevitability of the human condition.
That's it.
What's what?
A body double.
Where on earth are we going to find a five-foot-three 17-year-old,
who's willing to have sex on camera at such short notice?
What are you? Like, 4'4"?
I'm white, if you haven't noticed.
And I'm not gonna pretend to have sex
with a racist soap actress on camera for money, okay?
There is a line.
Who said anything about money?
Okay. You call every adult entertainment company within a thirty-mile radius
and see if they have anyone who matches Summer's description.
You try escort agencies, massage parlors.
Go to the nearest phone box and look at cards on the wall if you have to.
I'll deal with upstairs.
Ed, Joan, Hi.
Is everything all right?
Of course. We're just ironing out a few kinks.
Do you know where Carly is?
I think she's getting changed. Uh, what sort of kinks?
I'm so sorry.
Hello.
Right. We're set up and ready to go just as soon as I receive the file.
Great.
How are things on your end?
What? Yeah. Fine.
Exciting, isn't it? I feel like a spy.
Yeah.
Listen, Rob. I just wanted to say, thank you very much, again, for helping me out like this.
That's fine.
To be honest, it got to a point where I...
What are you doing out here?
Ah. Nothing.
Is that Ruth?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who are you on the phone to? - It's... Sorry, it's work.
Yeah, that's fine. I will get on to that just as soon as I have a minute.
I'll be out in a sec.
I thought she thought you were still at work.
Yeah, well, I told her I had to work from home today.
I needed my computers to set up the transfers.
Don't call me again.
- I'll drop the footage by tonight. Okay? - Yeah, Rob, I...
Good.
Carly.
Want one?
How do you feel about having sex with someone else?
What do you mean?
We're looking into getting a body double for Summer. She's...
Shy.
Will it affect me fee?
Nope.
Then I don't care who I'm pretending to have sex with.
Hello.
Okay, something funny is definitely going on.
What?
I just walked in on Mark hiding in the shed on the phone to somebody.
So?
So? You should have seen his face.
He looked like Kelly after she's eaten one of my lipsticks.
Last night you said he was addicted to porn.
Yes, well, what if it's worse than that? I don't know, he seemed super shady.
And I heard a woman's voice on the other end of the line.
Mark worships the ground you walk on.
He would never do anything to hurt you or the kids.
I gotta go. Um, I'll pop by after work, okay?
Okay bye.
I love you.
Okay, so there's been a change of plans.
We'll be using a double for Summer,
so we're gonna need to go with the grunge here. Handheld amateur feel, just...
Will this double be expecting a share of the royalty, too?
Robyn,
Can I get a word?
Could you excuse me for just a minute, please?
Okay. So, I've called everywhere.
All the adult film companies
were talking about unions and licenses
and asking if we have a permit.
Okay, okay. What about you?
No escort agencies were happy for their girls to appear on film.
I've got a few leads I can follow up on,
but it's a long shot.
Okay. Keep trying,
but if we have no luck in the next half hour,
I guess we'll just have to cancel.
Cancel?
What about Summer?
This is her career we're talking about.
We're trying everything we can to make this work.
Well, she'll just have to do it herself.
Mrs. Bolton,
your daughter is uncomfortable with this.
Now, that may not be an issue for you,
but I'm afraid it is an issue for me.
I beg your pardon?
Look. We've still got 17 hours left.
We could get her a tattoo or a cocaine addiction.
It's not gonna set the world alight,
But, it may go some way to counteract...
I'll do it.
Excuse me?
Well, we're the same height, same size.
People are always mistaking us for sisters.
Really?
My Pilates teacher
says I still have the body of an 18-year-old.
So, I may as well
let somebody bloody see it for a change.
- Are you sure you... - I spent a lifetime
getting this girl to where she is today.
Not all of us were afforded those opportunities
and I do not intend for it to be over
before it's barely begun.
So...
Let's just get this over and done with, shall we?
Oh, yeah!
Get me the number of her Pilates instructor.
Oh, yeah! Fuck harder.
Girl's a natural.
When's it going live?
Being uploaded tonight. And then it'll leak
before any news of her deal gets out.
Turn it off, now.
It's reminding me of boarding school.
Jesus!
Well, whatever happens with Summer's career,
I think you've done wonders for her parents' marriage.
I'm gonna have to phone my mum and break the news.
Melody? I think this is for you.
Ooh!
IT boy wants to log into your...
Don't know any computer words. Something funny.
Stop it.
Seriously though, you're not really gonna go out with an IT boy, are you?
Melody, go out with whoever you like.
Eve's just jealous, 'cause...
There's no RAM in her hard drive.
Oh! There it is!
You know, right now would be
a good time to say something about you keeping your dick in your pants.
I know. I know.
Good.
Really bums me out when you pull stuff like this.
I'm trying. I really do
- want to be better. - I know.
I know you do. I know.
Oh, man. I remember when I did this
for the first time around.
Whoa!
The feeling of it being real just
hits you like a truck.
Like, all at once.
Up until that point in my life,
nothing had ever been so...
Permanent. You know?
I just kept staring at it till my eyes went blurry.
Then, I think I cried for, like, a day.
Then, I was really happy.
You're not helping.
Okay. All right, don't stare at it.
- Just... Mmm... Name the 50 states. - What?
Hey! Just something to take your mind off of it.
I'm not in kindergarten.
- I'm not naming any of the 50 states... - ♪ Alabama
♪ Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas
♪ California, Colorado
- ♪ Delaware... Connecticut - You missed Connecticut.
- ♪ Delaware, Florida - Florida...
♪ Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho
♪ Illinois, Indiana
♪ Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky
♪ Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts
♪ Michigan, Minnesota
♪ Missouri, Mississippi...
What does it say?
I'm not pregnant.
Okay!
Well, that's good.
That's what you wanted, right?
Absolutely!
Absolutely.
Yeah. Good.
Mommy, I need to poo!
Thank you for letting us know.
- I'll leave you to it. - Okay...
- Thank you. - Hi, honey.
And, next!
Welcome to my weird...
Office.
How may I help you?
Here.
Thank you.
Blimey.
She did not do that on Britain's Got Talent.
You were right.
I opened his laptop to send an email
and it was right there.
Yes. I, um...
- He's a porn addict. - I... What?
Is this a thing?
No! I...
Mark. Seriously, I want you to be honest with me.
I...
I'm addicted to porn.
Jesus.
- Mark. Why wouldn't you tell me? - I'm so sorry.
I...
Was ashamed.
I... Was...
Sorry, I'm just going to mute this for a second.
Maybe I should...
Why would you think you have to lie about something like this?
Mark, I mean...
God, you know...
You need to go off into the shed and have a handy, just...
Lock the door, you know. I don't...
I mean, that's not a relationship, is it?
Where you can't even tell me if something is wrong?
You can talk to me, you stupid a-hole.
God, I mean...
Who knows? Maybe I would even
wanna watch it with you, you know?
I'm not so vanilla that I can't...
Oh, my god!
- Is that Summer Bolton? - Hmm.
Yeah. Give it to me! Oh...
I'm just gonna leave you to...
My goodness!
What must her poor mother think?
Hey. What's up?
Okay, don't be annoyed at me or anything.
I swear I wasn't being stalker-y,
- I just... I saw it in the bin. - What?
Did you... I mean...
I was a couple of days late, so I did it as a precaution, but I'm not.
Okay.
I'm just... I'm sorry, I just...
I saw it, and then my heart was just like...
I mean, I know we're trying,
but seeing it just made me feel...
Like it was so much more real.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to panic you. - Oh, no, no.
I... I wasn't panicked. I was...
I don't know. I was... I was... happy.
- Really? - Yeah. I mean...
It's mental. You know I got a fear because of my dad not being around
and my little sister doing it too young,
and then watching them struggle.
But I saw it, and it just made me feel like...
It was a feeling in my gut. It said, "Yeah, we'd crush it."
Not literally.
I'm sorry. No. I... I know I sound like a nutjob right now.
You weren't scared?
Scared?
No, I was...
Yes, I was scared, but more excited though.
Legit.
I love you.
I love you too, kid.
Do you wanna take another run at it?
Absolutely.
Just give me five minutes.
It's in my nature.
Subtitles by explosiveskull