1 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:30,947 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Martin! 2 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,244 Thank you! 3 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,246 Thank you very much. 4 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:41,374 Thank you. 5 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,168 Wow! 6 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:49,299 Thank you so much! It's not necessary. 7 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:51,843 Thank you. 8 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,307 Thank you. Please be seated. 9 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,854 Marty couldn't make it. Have a safe ride home. 10 00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:03,938 [jaunty piano riff] 11 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,609 Right off the top, I want to apologize for ticket prices. 12 00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:11,112 I know from your point of view, you're thinking, "It's only two guys. 13 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,238 Why is it so expensive?" 14 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:15,033 But you know, it takes 18 people to put this show on. 15 00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:17,994 We have two sound engineers. 16 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:21,289 We have a lighting director. We have seven musicians on stage. 17 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:24,292 We have someone to walk my Fitbit around. 18 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,377 [audience laughs] 19 00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,298 We have an intermediary, 20 00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:32,675 because Marty and I no longer speak to each other. 21 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,223 We have a celebrity lookalike in case I don't feel like going on. 22 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:40,975 Steve says hi, by the way. 23 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,522 But ladies and gentlemen, 24 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:50,151 right now I am so excited to introduce a man I love to work with. 25 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:53,571 A man I met over 30 years ago. 26 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,781 [audience cheers] 27 00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,074 A man... 28 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,534 a man... 29 00:01:58,910 --> 00:01:59,994 a man who is... 30 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,791 a man who is so, so talented in so many different ways. 31 00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:06,668 He sings. He dances. 32 00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,169 He's an incredible musician 33 00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,714 and I consider him to be the real star of the show tonight. 34 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,801 Mr. Jeff Babko on piano, ladies and gentlemen. 35 00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,886 [audience laughs, applauds] 36 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:23,643 -Thanks, Steve! You know, I thought-- -Thank you, Jeff. 37 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:27,647 And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to introduce a man 38 00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:31,651 who's as funny as a barrel of monkeys... But that's it. 39 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:34,237 Mr. Martin Short! 40 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,322 [audience applauds] 41 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,416 I love this end the best! 42 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,886 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! 43 00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:02,348 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 44 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,895 Just because I say "thank you" doesn't mean you have to stop applauding. 45 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,442 I can't tell you how humble... 46 00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:15,486 your response makes a huge star like me feel. 47 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,489 Please be seated. 48 00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,242 How are we on time? 49 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,911 -We just started. -Oh, I see. 50 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,414 All we ask... 51 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,542 ♪ Is you love us ♪ 52 00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,003 ♪ And like us as well ♪ 53 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:34,339 ♪ We're desperate for attention ♪ 54 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:36,007 ♪ And we're needy as hell ♪ 55 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:38,593 ♪ All we ask is you want us ♪ 56 00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:40,970 ♪ We'll give you our thanks ♪ 57 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:43,014 ♪ 'Cause our egos are gigantic ♪ 58 00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:44,933 ♪ And we're both wearing Spanx ♪ 59 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,185 ♪ So don't be apprehensive ♪ 60 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,937 ♪ Cause limos are expensive ♪ 61 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,230 ♪ Just love me ♪ 62 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,148 ♪ Even more than I love ♪ 63 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:56,444 [voice warbling] ♪ My... ♪ 64 00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:58,571 [wheezes] 65 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,281 Damn this Greenville altitude! 66 00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:03,159 Melissa! 67 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,869 -It's Jeff. -Jeff! 68 00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:08,748 Let's try that top note one more time, shall we? 69 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,834 ♪ Even more than I love ♪ 70 00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:17,507 ♪ My... ♪ 71 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:22,804 [note continues] 72 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:25,765 Damn! Son of a bitch! 73 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,271 ♪ ...self! ♪ 74 00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:37,694 Thank you so much! 75 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,405 But stop loving just me. Remember Steve's here too. 76 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:44,367 You know, Marty, it's been a long-time dream of mine to perform a two-man show 77 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:47,245 right here at the Peace Center with you in Grinville... 78 00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,746 -Greenville! -Grinville? 79 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,206 -Grinville! -Grinville? 80 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,251 Greenville. You know, I shouldn't have had that Motrin. Anyway... 81 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:57,213 In Greenville... South Carolina. 82 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:58,715 Tonight... 83 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,094 Anyway, tonight, I feel I am one step closer to that dream. 84 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:12,770 You know what? 85 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,565 -Steve! -Let's just leave that as is. 86 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,152 Steve, you'd tell me if you'd had a stroke, wouldn't you? 87 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,992 But you're right. It is a thrill. 88 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:27,952 It's actually more than a thrill. 89 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:29,120 It's an obligation. 90 00:05:30,788 --> 00:05:34,125 Steve and I call this show If We'd Saved, We Wouldn't Be Here. 91 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,547 -Good night, everybody! -Hey! 92 00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,132 -Marty! -No! 93 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:44,427 I looked online at the Peace Center website and there were our photos 94 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:47,388 and across them were written the words "sold out." 95 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,520 And I thought... 96 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,688 how rude. 97 00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:00,026 Let me just say, Steve... 98 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:05,031 truthfully, what an honor it is for me to be standing next to a man 99 00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:08,409 who is a novelist, a playwright, a musician, a composer... 100 00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,453 and a legendary comedian. 101 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:15,416 And let me say what an honor it is for me to be standing next to the man 102 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,752 who is standing next to that man. 103 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,550 You know, Steve, of all the people 104 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,886 that I have a fake show business relationship with, 105 00:06:26,969 --> 00:06:28,596 I feel fake closest to you. 106 00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:29,639 Buddy! 107 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,235 Oh, by the way, when Marty and I fly together, 108 00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:43,528 we save a lot of money, 109 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,656 because Marty fits conveniently in the overhead bin. 110 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,158 True. Absolutely true. 111 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,328 Let me just say, I am such a fan. 112 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:55,665 I mean, I see your work and I'm whelmed. 113 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,879 I think I've seen Cheaper by the Dozen over 500 times. 114 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,256 Wow! Thank you! 115 00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,299 Every time I see it, I say the same thing. 116 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,468 "Steve, you know, we could watch something else." 117 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,223 You know what I love about touring around with Marty Short? 118 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:13,766 No paparazzi. 119 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,108 When I think of Steve... 120 00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:24,610 And it's not often. But when I do... 121 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:28,239 the one thing that strikes me more than anything else about you 122 00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:31,534 is how unbelievably pale you are in person. 123 00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:36,080 It's like I'm being haunted, you know? No, really. 124 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,791 I mean, you look like a page in a coloring book 125 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,460 that hasn't been colored yet. 126 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,800 Steve once got a sunburn from his Kindle reader. You know? 127 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:54,932 You look like Anderson Cooper froze to death on New Year's Eve. 128 00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:58,895 Yes, you do! 129 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:01,564 Thank you. Thank you. 130 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:06,360 You look like someone put a white toupee on a urinal. 131 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,116 Hey, listen to me. I'm not trying to be negative. 132 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,075 No, I can tell! 133 00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,203 -Why? -But out of curiosity, 134 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:17,955 how far into the embalming process did they get 135 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,707 before you woke up screaming? 136 00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:21,375 It must have been frightening for you. 137 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:25,046 We should explain something. It sounds like we are insulting each other, 138 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:28,758 but we're actually not. This is the way we pay compliments in Hollywood. 139 00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:30,384 That's correct. It's true. 140 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,888 Hollywood compliments are a lot like regular compliments. 141 00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:37,016 But they have a slight passive aggressive dig at the end. 142 00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:38,476 -I'll give you an example. -Yeah. 143 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,728 Steve, you know, it's truly an honor for me 144 00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:43,314 to be performing with the world's biggest star... 145 00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:45,525 from 1978. 146 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:48,903 Oh, Marty, that is so sweet! 147 00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:52,281 And I often hear people refer to you as a whole entertainer. 148 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,409 Well, I added the word "entertainer." 149 00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:03,834 And may I say that you look fantastic? 150 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,463 And I guess that's the charm of looking 70 since you were 30. 151 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,259 Burn! 152 00:09:12,426 --> 00:09:15,513 Hey, Marty, you know I think of you as a Renaissance Man, 153 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,223 and not just because you carry smallpox. 154 00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:18,683 You know, I... 155 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,352 I don't often use the word "genius." 156 00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:22,728 -And? -Nothing. 157 00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:27,149 You know, the other day, Steve butt-dialed me, 158 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,609 which was so impressive, 159 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,778 considering he still uses a rotary phone. 160 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,536 When did you add that? 161 00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:40,288 -Tonight. -OK! 162 00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:44,417 And by the way, I loved you on Fallon the other night. Oh, my God! 163 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,836 -Your comedy was so effortless. -Thank you. 164 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:50,256 And I kept thinking, I wonder how it'd be if you'd put a little effort into it. 165 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,926 -Did you see me on Ellen? -No, I missed that. 166 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:56,637 Of course. What am I thinking? That's on at 3 p.m. 167 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,180 And that's when you're having dinner. 168 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,519 By the way, Martin Short is also the name I use 169 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,147 when I check into a hotel and want to be anonymous. 170 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:12,320 Thirty-five years later and you're still the jerk. 171 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,617 And that's how we do it in Hollywood. 172 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:25,041 Steve and I feel that you, the audience, might like to get to know us better. 173 00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,459 Yes. And the reason we think that 174 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,586 -is because we're egomaniacs. -Correct. 175 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:32,214 So we'd like to share with you some of the hidden gems 176 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,800 -from our family photo collections. -Yes. 177 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,719 These are rarely, if ever, seen private photos. 178 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,596 -Absolutely. -Let's look at the first one. 179 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,098 This is Marty when he was just two years old. Adorable. 180 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,308 That's cute, isn't it? 181 00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,143 My dark period. Look at that. 182 00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:49,899 And here's a shot of me on Christmas morning when I was six years old. 183 00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:52,360 Let me ask you something, Steve. 184 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,779 When the guy sold you that Christmas tree... 185 00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:58,699 how hard was he laughing? 186 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:05,164 This was taken when I was just a young boy in Texas. 187 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,625 And it's a photo of my first marriage. 188 00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,300 -Next! -Let's go to the next one. 189 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,386 -[Martin] Ooh! -[Steve] Aww... 190 00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:24,600 Here's a photo of me when I was 13 years of age 191 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,435 on the beach with my parents. 192 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:27,853 [Steve] That's really you? 193 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,939 Because at first I thought it was Winnie the Pooh. 194 00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,819 You know what's amazing about this photo? 195 00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:37,029 How well my parents are hiding their disappointment. 196 00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:42,702 Oh, and then now that's me at 15. 197 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,664 My first trip to New York City. That's my mom and two brothers. 198 00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,583 We went from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada to New York City. 199 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:50,710 The first trip to New York. 200 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,837 And we were at the Latin Quarter nightclub. 201 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,130 Now that, that's impressive. 202 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:57,383 Your family drove you down from Canada to New York City 203 00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:59,677 to see a nightclub show. That's pretty sophisticated. 204 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,679 -Do you remember the name of the show? -Sure. 205 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:04,598 It was the late Bea Arthur's one-woman show entitled 206 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,684 You Got It In There, Now Get It Out. 207 00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,769 [audience chortles sporadically] 208 00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:22,742 Well, I guess we'll work that out later. 209 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,410 Now, let's see the next one. 210 00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:26,662 Oh, yes. This was me 211 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:30,207 right before I was sent away to camp to pray the gay away. 212 00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:36,922 There you go. 213 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,303 Marty, I love this picture of you as a teenager. 214 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:43,220 Yes. 215 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,433 It was taken right before I created Apple in my garage. 216 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,521 To me, it looks like someone who sells macrame on Etsy. 217 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:59,820 [Steve] Here I am working at Disneyland's magic shop when I was 15 years old. 218 00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:03,407 [Martin] And look, that's me hanging up there behind you. Look at that. 219 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,330 Can we take a closer look at that? 220 00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:10,956 -Oh, yeah. -There we go. 221 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:16,128 Somehow that's one of the less creepy photos of you I've ever seen. 222 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:17,963 Speaking of creepy... 223 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:22,802 Come on, we've all done it! 224 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:24,845 Please! 225 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:28,390 [Steve] And here's my senior prom. What a fun night that was. 226 00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,100 [Martin] Look how handsome you were. 227 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:32,269 -[Steve] Look how pretty you were. -[Martin] Thank you. 228 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:37,358 [Martin] I love this dashing picture of you from your high school yearbook. 229 00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,443 [Steve] You know what's interesting about this photo? 230 00:13:40,027 --> 00:13:41,153 It's a color photo. 231 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,790 That's my point! That's what I've been saying. 232 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,292 I love this dashing photo of you from high school. 233 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,422 [Martin] Well, now you're being cruel. 234 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,635 That was the year I was voted Most Likely to Marry a Cousin. 235 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,433 It's even got your grade point average up there. 236 00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,396 I'll tell you what I love about this photo. 237 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,189 It proves 238 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,983 that anyone can make it. 239 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:22,862 [Martin] Ooh! 240 00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,448 Tell us about this photo, Steve. 241 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,242 [Steve] I call this picture... 242 00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:29,785 "Hello, ladies." 243 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,038 "Goodbye, ladies." 244 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,588 [Steve] This is an exclusive. 245 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:45,134 This is the first photo of the new border wall. 246 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:55,936 That'll keep them out. 247 00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:01,609 [Steve] And this is what it would look like if cocaine had a face. 248 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:10,117 [Steve] Oh, I love this pic. This is actually you in the actual Oval Office. 249 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,368 Yes, it was. 250 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:15,080 It was 1994, and you're probably wondering what I'm doing. 251 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,707 I know what you're doing. Question is, 252 00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,584 did Bill Clinton take you up on your offer? 253 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,055 Now let's take a look at our last photo. 254 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,223 [Steve] Look how happy you are. 255 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:37,269 [Martin] You know, this was June 28th 2009. 256 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:41,065 -[Steve] Thank you, Rain Man. -You're welcome. 257 00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:43,943 But I remember why you were laughing and smiling so hard. 258 00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:45,402 -Why? -I had just told you 259 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:48,405 that one day we'd be so desperate, we'd be working together. 260 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,077 You know, Marty and I met on the film 261 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,828 -The Three Amigos. -Yes. 262 00:15:58,582 --> 00:16:02,294 The Three Amigos, a movie that has been recently labeled a classic. 263 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,463 Downgraded from masterpiece. 264 00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:07,174 Next stop, just OK. 265 00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:10,552 And it was on that movie that I first realized 266 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,138 that Marty had this kind of quirky sense of humor. 267 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,141 We'd only been on the movie a couple of weeks, so I knew him for two weeks. 268 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,311 And there's a lot of down time on the movie, so Chevy, Marty, and I 269 00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,564 would pass time by playing Scrabble in one of our trailers. 270 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,108 And so we're playing Scrabble. 271 00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:28,362 I look over at Marty, whom I don't really know, and he's writing a note. 272 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,365 He folds it over and slides it to me, and it said, 273 00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:35,828 "I will let you ball my wife Nancy for an E or a Q." 274 00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,253 I tend to be competitive. 275 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:49,883 The Three Amigos was so amazing for me, you know, because it was my first movie. 276 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:51,593 And for a first movie, 277 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:55,556 I'm suddenly put on equal billing to two massive movie stars. 278 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,683 Or... so they told me. 279 00:16:57,766 --> 00:16:58,600 And... 280 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:02,271 I remember the opening night of The Three Amigos was like out of a movie. 281 00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:06,900 It was insane. It was like, you know, 2,000 people lining Hollywood Boulevard 282 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,527 in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater. 283 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,613 And the studio had asked the three of us to show up 284 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,657 in our full Three Amigos regalia, 285 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,535 with the hats and the bolero jackets and the spurs. 286 00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,329 But at 4 p.m. that afternoon... 287 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:22,875 I called Chevy and said, "Let's wear our tuxes and not tell Marty." 288 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,132 -Bastard! -I don't care. 289 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,469 -Let's sit and chat. -Absolutely. If we only had chairs. 290 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,554 -Look at that. -Oh! Oh, boy, here I go! 291 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:37,139 Be careful! 292 00:17:39,516 --> 00:17:41,810 All aboard! OK, look at that. 293 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:42,811 Oh, boy! 294 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:45,731 -We should have rehearsed that. -Yeah, it was good. 295 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:49,359 I love that picture of you so much in Manhattan seeing a nightclub show. 296 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:52,071 And I know you grew up in Hamilton, Ontario, 297 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:55,199 loving the crooners. Frank Sinatra. 298 00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:58,368 I did. It was odd, because, you know... 299 00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:02,414 I mean, this was the '60s, and all kids my age, you know, 12, 13, 14, 300 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,041 were the Beatles and the Stones. 301 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,627 But I had this great attic bedroom, 302 00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:09,671 and I had tape recorders and record players, 303 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,467 and I'd go up and just listen to the great singers 304 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:17,846 like Tony Bennett, and I'd listen to an album, like, eight times in a row, 305 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,556 trying to figure out how he placed notes. 306 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,309 ♪ I will come home ♪ 307 00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:25,604 ♪ To you, San Francisco ♪ 308 00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:26,563 You know? 309 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,065 Pretty good. 310 00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:31,151 But the most amazing thing for me was Frank Sinatra. 311 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,486 I mean, he was a miracle. 312 00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:35,364 I loved him in the '40s and the '50s, 313 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,616 but in the Swinging '60s... 314 00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:39,785 ♪ Fly me to the moon ♪ 315 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:42,913 ♪ And let me swing forevermore... ♪ 316 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,289 Wow! 317 00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,250 -But it was the... -Yeah! 318 00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:50,420 But it's... 319 00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,173 When he got into his late 70s... 320 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,801 that was my favorite, 321 00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:58,804 because he was singing all the wrong material, you know? 322 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,182 ♪ I shot the sheriff ♪ 323 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,685 ♪ However, I did not shoot the deputy ♪ 324 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:07,729 ♪ Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong... ♪ 325 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,023 -You know? -You met him, right? 326 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:10,941 -I did. -Yeah. 327 00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:15,279 I was terrified to meet him, I think as often you are of your heroes. 328 00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,031 And... But I was at this 329 00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,367 unbelievable Hollywood party. 330 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,370 It was September 26th 1992. 331 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,666 -It was at the home of George Schlatter... -Oh, yeah. 332 00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:30,002 ...the great Hollywood producer who did Laugh-In. 333 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,462 And you walked into this house 334 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:36,383 and it was like you were walking into a Hollywood wax museum. 335 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,303 I mean, everyone was famous. 336 00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:41,096 You looked over there 337 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:46,476 [imitates Jimmy Stewart] and Jimmy Stewart was telling a story about his dog, Sam. 338 00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:50,439 Over there, Katharine Hepburn's talking to Paul Newman. 339 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,859 [imitates Katharine Hepburn] She's saying, "I love Sundays, Paul. 340 00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:55,152 I always did. 341 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,112 I wake up very early. 342 00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,656 I have a huge bowl of bran. 343 00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:10,751 The next few hours, I am indisposed and then it's Monday." 344 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:17,132 But the most amazing moment of all these people was I look over 345 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,676 and there's a 77-year-old Frank Sinatra 346 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,845 just standing by himself at the bar with a drink. 347 00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,138 So I go, "Oh..." 348 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:26,725 I have to do this. So I go up to him and I say... 349 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:28,602 "Mr. Sinatra... 350 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:30,938 my name is Martin Short. 351 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,065 You have no idea. 352 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:38,695 You have no concept of how big a fan I am of yours." 353 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,447 And he looked at me and said... 354 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,991 [imitates Frank Sinatra] "I think I do." 355 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,954 He said, "What are you drinking, kid?" 356 00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:48,413 And I said, "Oh, well, 357 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,624 whatever you're having, Frank." 358 00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:53,293 So he turned to the bartender and said, "Jack Daniel's." 359 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,796 And the bartender said, "Straight up or on the rocks?" 360 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,882 But I was nervous. I thought he said, "Straight up or relaxed?" 361 00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:01,635 So I said, "Oh, I'll have it relaxed." 362 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,763 Frank said, "He said, 'Straight up or on the rocks?'" 363 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:07,307 So I'd known Frank 15 seconds and I'd already pissed him off. 364 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:08,392 You know? 365 00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:11,144 You know, what amazes me about that story is 366 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,854 you were an adult. 367 00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:14,564 Yes! I was. 368 00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:18,193 You had been around. You were fairly sophisticated. How old were you? 369 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:19,903 I was 47. 370 00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:25,158 That proves my point that we always carry 371 00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:28,870 this ounce of naivete with us, no matter what we've done or where we've been. 372 00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,289 You know, and I can prove it. 373 00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:33,875 Marty and I used to go to St. Barts every Christmas 374 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,503 for a visit with a bunch of friends. 375 00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:39,464 And St. Barts started as a little funky Island 376 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:42,175 with little ramshackle restaurants on the beach, 377 00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:45,762 but through the years, it became a kind of a celebrity hang-out 378 00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,889 and then paparazzi started to show up. 379 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,725 And the goal of the paparazzi 380 00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:54,062 is to get the absolute worst possible photo of you possible. 381 00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:57,899 I can prove it. Here's a photo of us that actually ran in the National Enquirer. 382 00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:05,699 Oh, boy, look at that! 383 00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:07,451 Look at that right there. 384 00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,914 And they had a perfectly decent photo of us that they didn't run. 385 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,875 Do you have that? There you go. 386 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:19,254 -Let me ask you this. -OK. 387 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,840 I find this fascinating about you. 'Cause you have been... 388 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:23,550 famous 389 00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:27,054 for, what, eight, nine years now? No, really. 390 00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:29,514 You have been massively famous 391 00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:32,601 for well over 40 years. How odd has that been? 392 00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:35,479 Well, obviously, it's a different kind of life. 393 00:22:35,562 --> 00:22:38,940 And, you know, things happen that wouldn't happen ordinarily 394 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:40,192 and you kind of remember them. 395 00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:43,820 Then eventually you just remember the two or three kind of odd things 396 00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:46,990 that happen, like... Actually, this just happened a couple of months ago. 397 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:50,660 I was in Santa Barbara, walking down the street, and a young girl about 16 398 00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:54,331 came up to me and said, "Did you do that movie The Jerk?" 399 00:22:54,414 --> 00:22:56,291 And I said, "Yes, I did." 400 00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:58,960 And she said, "You gonna do another movie?" 401 00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:10,263 It's also perfect circumstance for left-handed compliments. 402 00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:12,432 They think they're complimenting you but they're not. 403 00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:16,978 We always screen a comedy movie to test it to see if it gets laughs. 404 00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:18,730 So we did that in the '80s sometime. 405 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:21,817 We had a test screening, and after the movie, 406 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:24,277 a woman spotted me and came over and said, 407 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:27,906 "Oh, I love this movie! And my husband loved it 408 00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:29,408 and he hates you." 409 00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:37,249 Even my own mother could do it. 410 00:23:38,041 --> 00:23:41,962 I had a movie open one weekend and on Monday, she called me up and she said, 411 00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:46,216 "Oh. Some friends of mine went to the movies last weekend, 412 00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:49,386 and they couldn't get in anywhere, so they went to see yours." 413 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,223 That's a... 414 00:23:53,974 --> 00:23:55,475 That's a Hollywood compliment! 415 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,061 My mother died when she was 91. 416 00:23:58,311 --> 00:24:01,356 And toward the end, she was a little bit senile, 417 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:06,278 which is, you know, quite poignant, but also could be sometimes quite funny. 418 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,448 Once I was talking to her and she said... 419 00:24:10,198 --> 00:24:12,576 "Where's Glenn?" That was my father. 420 00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:16,121 And I said, "Well, he died three years ago." 421 00:24:16,204 --> 00:24:17,622 And she said... 422 00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:21,251 "Well, that explains a lot." 423 00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,135 Oh, that's great! 424 00:24:31,094 --> 00:24:32,929 I love your story about meeting Frank Sinatra. 425 00:24:33,013 --> 00:24:37,517 I also met some pretty good people too. I met Cary Grant. 426 00:24:37,601 --> 00:24:39,644 -Wow! -I met Fred Astaire. I met Elvis. 427 00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:41,813 That was the biggest get of all. 428 00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:43,148 It was about 1970. 429 00:24:43,231 --> 00:24:47,611 I was just a young comedian and I was opening for Ann-Margret in Las Vegas. 430 00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:51,281 And I knew Elvis was coming to see the show, because they were friends. 431 00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:53,783 And so I did my act, and now I'm waiting after the show. 432 00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:56,912 I leave my dressing room door open 'cause I know Elvis is coming back. 433 00:24:56,995 --> 00:25:00,332 I'm just kind of standing there waiting and he walks by me and looks and goes... 434 00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:02,709 [imitates Elvis] "Sir... 435 00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,753 You have an oblique sense of humor." 436 00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:10,634 And then he came in and we started talking. 437 00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:15,305 And I was very flattered, because Elvis has a guy whose sole job it is 438 00:25:15,388 --> 00:25:17,516 to get him out of conversations. 439 00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,559 So the guy came up and said, 440 00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:23,355 "Elvis, we have to go." And Elvis said, "It's OK." 441 00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:29,444 And so we talked a little bit more. And Elvis was a big gun collector. 442 00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:33,073 He liked exotic guns, engraved things and pearl handles, 443 00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:35,492 and finally, when we ran out of conversation, he said, 444 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:37,202 "Wanna see my guns?" 445 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:39,412 And I said, "Sure." 446 00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:41,998 And so he had three guns on him. 447 00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:44,376 He did. 448 00:25:44,459 --> 00:25:47,712 First one was a little engraved derringer. He's very safety-conscious. 449 00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:50,006 He took the bullets out before he handed it to me. 450 00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:52,592 And I'm admiring them and eventually 451 00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:57,222 I'm holding three guns and Elvis is holding eighteen bullets. 452 00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:01,268 And I'm thinking... 453 00:26:02,018 --> 00:26:03,812 Where is Elvis's guy? 454 00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:13,655 And I realize that I now have to get my guy 455 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,783 to get me out of conversations with Elvis. 456 00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,119 Not something you'd ever think about! 457 00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:23,039 -It's absolutely true, by the way. -That's hilarious! 458 00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:25,959 Now I have a question for you. 459 00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:28,545 You do something I don't. You do characters, impressions. 460 00:26:28,628 --> 00:26:31,965 When you do an impression of someone, do they ever get mad at you? 461 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:33,800 Well... 462 00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:38,388 When you do a new character, hopefully they don't find out, you know. 463 00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:42,267 But when you do a new character, you kind of... You do have to base it 464 00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:45,812 or I do, on someone you've met in your life, even in your childhood. 465 00:26:45,895 --> 00:26:48,732 It kind of gives the character three dimensions. 466 00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:53,945 And in the year 1984, '85, I was a cast member of Saturday Night Live. 467 00:26:59,326 --> 00:27:00,285 And... 468 00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:05,457 the head of makeup that year was a woman named Marion Siebert. 469 00:27:05,915 --> 00:27:11,504 And Marion was the most defensive human being you'd ever met in your life. 470 00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:13,673 You'd sit in her makeup chair. 471 00:27:13,757 --> 00:27:15,342 And she always chain-smoked. 472 00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:17,802 You could do that inside in 1984 then. 473 00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:20,263 And she'd be dabbing your makeup and smoking. 474 00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:23,350 And you'd say, "Gee, Marion, I look a little pale, don't I?" 475 00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:27,395 And she'd say, "I know that! I'm a makeup artist. I would know that." 476 00:27:29,105 --> 00:27:30,315 "Sorry!" You know? 477 00:27:31,066 --> 00:27:32,192 So about a month later, 478 00:27:32,275 --> 00:27:35,570 Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer and I 479 00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:38,907 are writing a satiric piece on 60 Minutes. 480 00:27:39,532 --> 00:27:43,411 I was going to play the defensive lawyer who always represents the bad guy. 481 00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:47,207 And we called him Nathan Thurm. 482 00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:50,168 But I didn't know how to play it. I didn't know I should do it. 483 00:27:50,251 --> 00:27:54,172 And Billy Crystal said, "Why don't you do it as Marion Siebert? 484 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,761 You impersonate her behind her back all the time anyway." 485 00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:05,225 And I said, "No, but she'll find out." 486 00:28:05,517 --> 00:28:07,268 "She won't know," he said. 487 00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:09,062 "They never know," he said. 488 00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:12,023 So I said, "OK, good idea. I'll do it." 489 00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:14,776 So I even got a cigarette, same brand as Marion's, 490 00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:17,529 but I put a wire in it, so that as it burned down, 491 00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:19,781 the ash would never fall off, you know? 492 00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:21,741 So I go to the set, 493 00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:25,745 and I forget that Marion is there, of course, 494 00:28:25,829 --> 00:28:28,665 because she's the head of makeup. So she's over there. 495 00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:30,792 I'm here with my cigarette. 496 00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:33,670 Harry Shearer is playing Mike Wallace and he says, 497 00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:37,632 "Mr. Thurm, you've admitted your client was breaking the law at that point." 498 00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:40,009 I say, "I know that! You don't think I know that? 499 00:28:40,093 --> 00:28:41,511 I'm a lawyer. I would know that." 500 00:28:46,433 --> 00:28:48,518 And the director goes, "Cut! He's sweating." 501 00:28:48,601 --> 00:28:51,730 Marion says, "I know that! You don't think I know that? I'm a makeup artist." 502 00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:00,989 It was insane. 503 00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:04,909 But, you know, when a character becomes popular on SNL, 504 00:29:05,118 --> 00:29:07,537 you're kind of expected to do it again. 505 00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:11,791 And every time I did Nathan Thurm, I was terrified I would get caught, 506 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:13,251 and I never got caught. 507 00:29:13,334 --> 00:29:16,463 But then after the last show, there was a big, big, big party. 508 00:29:16,963 --> 00:29:19,299 And Marion's assistant got drunk. 509 00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:23,470 He went into her office and said, "Marion! 510 00:29:23,928 --> 00:29:25,889 How stupid are you? 511 00:29:28,224 --> 00:29:31,060 Don't you know that you're Nathan Thurm? 512 00:29:33,021 --> 00:29:34,731 Everybody else does!" 513 00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:37,817 And she was devastated. 514 00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:41,362 She was so upset, you know, and she came up and she confronted me. 515 00:29:41,446 --> 00:29:44,240 She said, "I thought you were my friend." 516 00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:47,535 And I said, "Marion, I am your friend. 517 00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:49,287 But you know that... 518 00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:52,665 impersonation is the highest form of compliment." 519 00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,753 She said, "I know that. You don't think I know that? I read books. I know that." 520 00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:10,934 Now, Marty, there's a piano over there and I think you are underrated 521 00:30:11,017 --> 00:30:13,228 as a singer, which I completely get. 522 00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:16,815 I'm wondering, would you do a tune for us? 523 00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:17,899 Well, I mean... 524 00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:21,945 I suppose I... 525 00:30:22,821 --> 00:30:26,157 I suppose I could. That is... if you'd really like me to. 526 00:30:26,241 --> 00:30:27,242 -[piano trills] -Ah! 527 00:30:29,285 --> 00:30:30,245 Well, you heard them. 528 00:30:30,328 --> 00:30:31,329 A resounding no. 529 00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:33,414 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Martin Short. 530 00:30:33,498 --> 00:30:34,415 Thank you. 531 00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:36,376 [jazzy tune plays] 532 00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:39,963 Thank you, Steve. 533 00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:46,177 Boy, does his cologne linger or what? Wow! 534 00:30:47,929 --> 00:30:51,599 It's so nice for me to perform with someone who's a potential organ donor. 535 00:30:57,564 --> 00:31:01,234 I'm going to keep this brief, because I left my Uber driver waiting 536 00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:04,237 and you know how testy Steve Bannon can get. So... 537 00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:15,582 But I adore Steve Martin. I really do. 538 00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:17,625 He's one of my oldest friends. 539 00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:24,465 Steve and I are like Donny and Marie without the sexual tension. 540 00:31:30,471 --> 00:31:33,141 We go together like Ellen DeGeneres and a vest. 541 00:31:33,224 --> 00:31:35,268 I mean, it's a team, is what I'm saying. 542 00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:37,729 And hanging out with Steve Martin, 543 00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:39,856 well, it's a lot like the movie Deliverance. 544 00:31:41,232 --> 00:31:44,110 It's all fun and games until the banjos come out. 545 00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:51,743 Thank you. 546 00:31:53,494 --> 00:31:55,747 Now, you know, when Steve plays his banjo... 547 00:31:56,915 --> 00:32:00,835 I like to close my eyes and pretend I'm on hold with Cracker Barrel. 548 00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:11,220 One time I asked Steve... I said, 549 00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:15,224 "What would you be doing if you weren't a talented comedic actor?" He said... 550 00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:17,560 "Probably what you're doing." 551 00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:21,230 But I'm so happy 552 00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:22,690 to be here tonight. 553 00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:26,611 Although that could be the Vicodin and Xanax talking, but I don't think so. 554 00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:28,863 Because for me, there's no... 555 00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:32,283 greater high than performing in front of a live audience. 556 00:32:38,831 --> 00:32:39,666 No greater high. 557 00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:41,584 In fact, the only difference between you people 558 00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:44,212 and pure-grade pharmaceutical morphine... 559 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:46,881 is that morphine doesn't judge. 560 00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:52,136 Of course, performing live, you have to stay fit. 561 00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:55,723 You know, I've been on Jenny Craig more times than Mr. Craig. 562 00:33:01,896 --> 00:33:04,941 But you know... Listen. Let me tell you. 563 00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:08,861 There is a lot of pressure to stay looking good in show business. 564 00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:11,114 That's the rule of show business: stay looking good. 565 00:33:11,197 --> 00:33:14,283 There are of course many rules in show business. 566 00:33:14,617 --> 00:33:18,871 You always take penicillin after a Leonardo DiCaprio pool party. 567 00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:25,294 When you pick up Kevin Hart, you always have to remember to cradle the neck. 568 00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:34,595 You never sneak up on Gwyneth Paltrow during a cleanse. 569 00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:35,888 That can be a mistake. 570 00:33:39,517 --> 00:33:42,979 Always let Steve Harvey's mustache sniff your hand before you pet it. 571 00:33:43,062 --> 00:33:43,896 I mean... 572 00:33:51,112 --> 00:33:54,157 You never embark on a conversation with Matthew McConaughey 573 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:55,575 without an exit strategy. 574 00:33:58,411 --> 00:33:59,787 You never say to Bill Cosby, 575 00:33:59,871 --> 00:34:02,623 "Hey, Bill. Could you fix my wife a drink?" You don't do it! 576 00:34:05,626 --> 00:34:07,128 You don't do it, Jeff. 577 00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:11,966 It's interesting. 578 00:34:12,633 --> 00:34:14,177 On the cab ride here tonight... 579 00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:16,846 Because the Peace Center wouldn't send a car. 580 00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:19,307 I was reflecting on the original impetus of why I wanted to... 581 00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:21,559 -Ow! -Oh, for God's sake! 582 00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:23,603 How does something like that happen? 583 00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:25,563 Hey, say hello to Jeff Babko, everyone. 584 00:34:25,646 --> 00:34:27,356 The fabulous Jeff Babko! 585 00:34:28,608 --> 00:34:31,360 Keyboard player for Jimmy Kimmel Live! every night, 586 00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:33,029 -Thank you. -We love you, Jeff. 587 00:34:33,112 --> 00:34:35,073 You know, he's one of my oldest friends. 588 00:34:35,948 --> 00:34:38,951 He was there when all three of my children were conceived. 589 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:44,123 I know 'cause I was out of town making a movie at the time. 590 00:34:45,458 --> 00:34:47,835 Anyway, Jeff, thank you for being here tonight. 591 00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:49,045 Great to be here, Marty. 592 00:34:49,128 --> 00:34:53,216 I was thinking today at the hotel earlier about my musical training 593 00:34:53,299 --> 00:34:55,343 and I know we've talked about it before, 594 00:34:55,426 --> 00:34:58,471 but I learned so much about timing and its relationship 595 00:34:58,554 --> 00:35:01,474 to harmony and melody in music, and it reminded me 596 00:35:01,557 --> 00:35:04,143 of the important kind of symbiosis that.... 597 00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:05,061 Oh, I'm sorry. 598 00:35:06,020 --> 00:35:06,896 Sorry. 599 00:35:08,064 --> 00:35:09,232 Shh. 600 00:35:11,818 --> 00:35:14,028 You've got to stop talking now because... 601 00:35:15,029 --> 00:35:18,658 -that was really a dull story. -I wasn't quite done. 602 00:35:18,741 --> 00:35:21,369 I mean, people think pills killed Marilyn Monroe. 603 00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:23,579 You stopped by. That's what happened. 604 00:35:29,335 --> 00:35:31,963 I have the legs of a marionette, don't I? Look at that. 605 00:35:32,046 --> 00:35:34,048 [whimsical tune plays] 606 00:35:46,435 --> 00:35:48,896 First of all, no muscle tone. That's one of the... 607 00:35:50,314 --> 00:35:52,733 I think these socks were a mistake. 608 00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:55,069 They worked in the drawer, I'll tell you. 609 00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:58,072 I think they're a little Wizard of Oz-y for their own good. 610 00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:02,034 Can't you just see the house landing on the witch and this thing happening? 611 00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:15,339 -How does a man sit on a piano? It's... -Not like that. 612 00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,550 This isn't good. You can't do that. 613 00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:21,429 This is a little coy, I think. 614 00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:24,348 Little gentle here. Well, I'll just leave it like that. 615 00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:25,433 -Down. -What? 616 00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:27,518 -Down. -Oh. Come on! 617 00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:29,395 Anyway... 618 00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:35,401 On the carriage ride here tonight... 'Cause I love to pamper myself. 619 00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:39,405 ...the driver said, "What is the name of the film you made I hated?" 620 00:36:39,655 --> 00:36:42,033 And I thought, "Oh, my God, he knows my work." 621 00:36:42,950 --> 00:36:43,910 Then it dawned on me. 622 00:36:43,993 --> 00:36:47,830 Here's a man who hates me for my work, but doesn't know me well enough 623 00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:49,290 to hate me for who I am. 624 00:36:49,498 --> 00:36:52,919 So that's why tonight I'm going to tell you a little bit about my life, 625 00:36:53,002 --> 00:36:54,462 a little bit about my journey. 626 00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:56,881 As you may or may not know, I'm Canadian. 627 00:36:56,964 --> 00:36:58,966 [scattered applause] 628 00:36:59,926 --> 00:37:00,801 That's it? 629 00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:02,887 -Are we at war? -Two people. 630 00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:07,058 We're the aliens you don't deport. 631 00:37:15,942 --> 00:37:18,194 I just turned 67 years of age. 632 00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:20,071 No work. 633 00:37:20,821 --> 00:37:21,739 No work. 634 00:37:22,531 --> 00:37:24,450 I know you're thinking, "No kidding!" 635 00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:29,372 'Cause cosmetic surgery doesn't work on a man. 636 00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:31,082 You know, you get this look. 637 00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:32,500 Hello. 638 00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:36,796 No, I've just lost weight. 639 00:37:39,548 --> 00:37:40,633 Wonderful story! 640 00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:47,473 No one says, "Who's that 38-year-old dude?" 641 00:37:48,557 --> 00:37:51,227 They say,  "Who's the 67-year-old who's been in a fire?" 642 00:37:58,484 --> 00:37:59,485 Wonderful story! 643 00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:04,615 Anyway, my first love has always been the theater. 644 00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:08,119 Then comes movies and television and then my family. 645 00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:11,664 I have three children. 646 00:38:11,914 --> 00:38:12,957 One of each. 647 00:38:13,958 --> 00:38:14,959 What? 648 00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:20,089 I grew up in a house filled with love. 649 00:38:20,923 --> 00:38:24,260 In that our cousin lived with us and she put out. And... 650 00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:30,850 She used to say, "It's better to have loved a Short 651 00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,727 than never to have loved a tall." 652 00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:39,483 Clever Lena is what we called her. 653 00:38:40,443 --> 00:38:42,778 More than anything in the world... 654 00:38:43,237 --> 00:38:44,780 I adored my parents. 655 00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:46,991 Especially my mom. 656 00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:48,784 God rest her soul. 657 00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:51,579 She's not dead yet. 658 00:38:52,079 --> 00:38:54,623 But it's not looking good, I'll tell you that much. 659 00:38:55,916 --> 00:38:58,669 My father was a little more complicated. 660 00:38:59,211 --> 00:39:01,464 You know, he was Irish. So there was a lot of... 661 00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:04,258 [gargles] 662 00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:08,179 I used to say, "Dad, why make that noise? Just drink the gin," you know. 663 00:39:09,430 --> 00:39:13,434 I don't know if anyone's had a parent who tippled... 664 00:39:13,934 --> 00:39:15,227 but my father... 665 00:39:18,022 --> 00:39:19,440 What are you staring at? 666 00:39:20,316 --> 00:39:21,400 My father... 667 00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:23,361 Very successful guy. 668 00:39:24,820 --> 00:39:27,031 You know, Vice President of Canadian Steel. 669 00:39:27,114 --> 00:39:29,116 But he loved to take a sip. 670 00:39:29,241 --> 00:39:31,285 And the second he got home from work, 671 00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:33,621 he would have a gin and ginger, no ice. 672 00:39:34,121 --> 00:39:35,247 As the Irish do. 673 00:39:35,706 --> 00:39:38,334 And he would sip and sip and sip until he went to bed, 674 00:39:38,417 --> 00:39:40,836 and then on the weekends, he'd drink all weekend. 675 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:43,422 He wouldn't start that early, seven in the morning. And... 676 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,550 Around three in the afternoon on a Saturday, 677 00:39:46,634 --> 00:39:48,844 you'd look over at him. It wasn't like he was slurring, 678 00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:51,680 but you suddenly realized his hair was drunk. 679 00:39:52,098 --> 00:39:53,015 You know? 680 00:40:04,443 --> 00:40:06,779 He was always teaching the secret of golf. 681 00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,198 [in Irish accent] You know, Marty... 682 00:40:09,281 --> 00:40:12,034 I was talking to this Jewish chap at the club. 683 00:40:12,451 --> 00:40:16,122 Goldberg or Silver or Bronstein. 684 00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:20,334 I can't remember. I know there was a precious metal involved in his name. 685 00:40:21,752 --> 00:40:27,299 He said to me,  "You know, Charlie, I'm half-Irish and I'm half-Jewish." 686 00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:29,593 And I said, "You know, Stan... 687 00:40:30,261 --> 00:40:32,596 I am from Crossmaglen, County Armagh. 688 00:40:32,847 --> 00:40:34,932 And in Armagh, 689 00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:39,186 we have a term for someone who is half-Irish and half-Jewish. 690 00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:41,772 We call them a Jew." 691 00:40:46,610 --> 00:40:49,363 Anyway, Marty, did you hear about the blind prostitute? 692 00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:50,948 You had to hand it to her. 693 00:40:55,327 --> 00:40:57,371 Then the fights would start, you know. 694 00:40:57,455 --> 00:41:02,042 But I was the youngest of five, so I could sneak off to my fabulous attic bedroom, 695 00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:05,045 where everything was bliss, and I'd listen to Frank and Tony. 696 00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:07,715 But eventually I had to leave the attic. 697 00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,344 Mainly because I was 23 years of age 698 00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:14,096 and my parents had sold the house. 699 00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:17,266 But where was I to go? 700 00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:21,729 The year... 1972. 701 00:41:24,064 --> 00:41:27,276 And at that time, Off-Off-Broadway was obsessed with two things. 702 00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:31,197 Religious musicals and full frontal nudity. 703 00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:34,783 I auditioned for Jesus Christ Superstar. 704 00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:36,660 But I didn't get it. 705 00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:38,662 Then I auditioned for Hair. 706 00:41:39,163 --> 00:41:40,539 And I didn't get it. 707 00:41:40,831 --> 00:41:43,667 Then I auditioned for an all-nude... 708 00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:47,338 tribal rock musical of the second-greatest story ever told. 709 00:41:47,588 --> 00:41:49,381 Step-Brother to Jesus. 710 00:41:50,216 --> 00:41:51,967 And a terrible thing happened. 711 00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:53,469 I got it. 712 00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:57,806 ♪ My father Joseph ♪ 713 00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:01,560 ♪ Before he met the Virgin Mary ♪ 714 00:42:02,311 --> 00:42:06,941 ♪ He loved my mother on some Would-be Christmas night ♪ 715 00:42:07,858 --> 00:42:09,735 ♪ But darkness covers ♪ 716 00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,239 ♪ What in the daylight sure looks scary ♪ 717 00:42:13,822 --> 00:42:15,366 ♪ Mother was a leper ♪ 718 00:42:15,449 --> 00:42:18,911 ♪ And that ain't a pretty sight ♪ 719 00:42:19,703 --> 00:42:21,664 ♪ And so he left her ♪ 720 00:42:22,331 --> 00:42:25,334 ♪ But she still had his love inside her ♪ 721 00:42:25,793 --> 00:42:27,711 ♪ So on her one good leg ♪ 722 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:30,673 ♪ She crawled to Galilee ♪ 723 00:42:31,590 --> 00:42:33,133 ♪ There were no Wise Men ♪ 724 00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:37,388 ♪ With the gifts of gold and myrrh Beside her ♪ 725 00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:39,473 ♪ When nine months later ♪ 726 00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:42,309 ♪ Out came me ♪ 727 00:42:42,476 --> 00:42:45,854 ♪ 'Cause I'm the step-brother to Jesus ♪ 728 00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:49,400 ♪ I may be a bastard But the ladies seem to like it ♪ 729 00:42:49,733 --> 00:42:51,610 ♪ Step-brother to Jesus ♪ 730 00:42:52,152 --> 00:42:54,780 ♪ My pappy may not live Up in heaven above ♪ 731 00:42:54,863 --> 00:42:57,491 ♪ But I'm the step-brother to Jesus ♪ 732 00:42:57,575 --> 00:43:01,036 ♪ I sing so loud That you don't need to mic it ♪ 733 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:04,748 ♪ I'm God's gift to a lady For a night of love ♪ 734 00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:07,501 -♪ Step-brother to Jesus ♪ -♪ Night of love ♪ 735 00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,337 -♪ Step-brother to Jesus ♪ -♪ Night of love ♪ 736 00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:12,381 ♪ Step-brother to Jesus ♪ 737 00:43:12,881 --> 00:43:15,593 ♪ What's the big deal About raising the dead? ♪ 738 00:43:39,158 --> 00:43:40,784 Hello, ladies. 739 00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:48,208 I know what you're thinking. 740 00:43:50,711 --> 00:43:52,046 Remember it's the theater. 741 00:43:53,255 --> 00:43:55,799 Objects may appear smaller than they actually are. 742 00:43:58,969 --> 00:44:00,054 Don't pity me. 743 00:44:01,930 --> 00:44:04,850 My rock bottom is still your wildest dreams. 744 00:44:17,237 --> 00:44:18,489 Top that, motherfucker. 745 00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:24,536 Martin Short, ladies and gentlemen. 746 00:44:34,922 --> 00:44:37,174 You know, people on crack ask Marty, 747 00:44:37,257 --> 00:44:39,009 "Hey, can you slow down just a bit?" 748 00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,305 This is a banjo and... 749 00:44:44,014 --> 00:44:45,349 [audience applauds] 750 00:44:45,432 --> 00:44:46,934 Thank you. 751 00:44:49,019 --> 00:44:52,481 There's a big difference between the banjo and the guitar. 752 00:44:52,564 --> 00:44:56,777 The banjo has a round pot, it's called, with a skinhead stretched over the top 753 00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:58,487 and it projects the sound outward, 754 00:44:58,612 --> 00:45:00,864 and the guitar can get you laid. 755 00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:13,001 You always have to tune. 756 00:45:13,085 --> 00:45:14,586 It's very hard 757 00:45:14,670 --> 00:45:17,297 to tune a stringed instrument in an environment like this 758 00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:19,842 with the air conditioning and the heat of the lights.. 759 00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:23,137 It's kind of a... You know, a physics issue. 760 00:45:25,180 --> 00:45:27,516 I could teach it to you, but it's probably... 761 00:45:28,934 --> 00:45:30,269 It's pretty sophisticated. 762 00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:34,189 Well, I'll give it a go. See, what happens is... 763 00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:36,483 the photons... 764 00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:40,988 come down and strike the protons 765 00:45:41,071 --> 00:45:44,742 and that agitates the muons... 766 00:45:45,325 --> 00:45:47,161 and the gluons 767 00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:50,122 so that the moron can play. 768 00:45:54,918 --> 00:45:56,253 You know, I was once asked... 769 00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:59,256 "Steve, when your imagination goes dry, 770 00:45:59,423 --> 00:46:02,009 how do you replenish your creative vessel?" 771 00:46:03,051 --> 00:46:06,472 And I said, "Really, can you just finish the prostate exam?" 772 00:46:15,022 --> 00:46:18,275 But I do write songs, and every once in a while, I'm asked, 773 00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:20,277 "Steve, where do you get your ideas for songs?" 774 00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:24,114 And I find the best ideas come in the silences. 775 00:46:24,823 --> 00:46:26,617 The silence of a sunrise. 776 00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:29,703 The silence of a sleeping baby. 777 00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:34,041 The silence on a woman's face while making love to her. 778 00:46:38,253 --> 00:46:41,173 Young inventive banjo players come up to me and say, 779 00:46:41,256 --> 00:46:44,676 "Steve, how can I get my music out in front of people like you have?" 780 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:48,555 I always say the same thing. Two things. "One, be very creative. 781 00:46:48,639 --> 00:46:51,225 Don't let anyone tell you how to write your music. 782 00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:53,268 And two, already be famous." 783 00:46:57,231 --> 00:47:00,651 I was raised in the '60s in the era of the protest song, 784 00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:03,278 with Joan Baez and Pete Seeger and Bob Dylan. 785 00:47:03,403 --> 00:47:07,032 And I always loved that music, but I never wrote a protest song in my life 786 00:47:07,115 --> 00:47:10,452 until about three and a half years ago. This song just came to me 787 00:47:10,536 --> 00:47:13,747 and I thought, "I must mean this. This has really come from my heart." 788 00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:17,459 It's called "Let's Keep the Minimum Wage Right Where She's At." 789 00:47:24,216 --> 00:47:26,051 I don't have anything. All right. 790 00:47:27,469 --> 00:47:28,554 Here's... 791 00:47:28,637 --> 00:47:31,682 Here's a medley of a couple of banjo songs I've written through the years. 792 00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:13,802 [audience cheers, applauds in rhythm] 793 00:52:04,162 --> 00:52:06,164 [audience cheers] 794 00:52:06,414 --> 00:52:07,249 Thank you. 795 00:52:08,583 --> 00:52:09,709 Thank you very much. 796 00:52:10,627 --> 00:52:13,088 The Steep Canyon Rangers, ladies and gentlemen. 797 00:52:17,300 --> 00:52:18,135 Thank you. 798 00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:22,722 You know, I've been playing the banjo for over 50 years. 799 00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:23,974 But... 800 00:52:25,225 --> 00:52:28,436 I'm relatively new to playing live on stage with a band. 801 00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:30,647 It's a discipline, and it takes some practice. 802 00:52:30,730 --> 00:52:33,066 And I'll be honest with you. Some nights I come off stage 803 00:52:33,150 --> 00:52:35,360 and think, "Wow,  I played great tonight. Fantastic!" 804 00:52:35,443 --> 00:52:37,696 Other nights I think, "I wish I'd played better." 805 00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:40,323 So I went to check out this live performance thing 806 00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:42,993 and I went to see Eric Clapton play live. 807 00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:46,663 And I thought... 808 00:52:47,414 --> 00:52:48,874 "He's not so funny." 809 00:52:56,214 --> 00:53:00,093 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take a moment to recognize the band. 810 00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:14,774 I guess. I don't know. 811 00:53:15,233 --> 00:53:17,569 You know, Marty and I love this band, actually. 812 00:53:17,652 --> 00:53:21,031 The Rangers have this beautiful tour bus, and it's really nice. 813 00:53:21,114 --> 00:53:23,575 After each show, we all go out there and hang out. 814 00:53:23,658 --> 00:53:26,870 And the instruments come out and a little wine, maybe. 815 00:53:26,953 --> 00:53:29,873 We talk about how the show went, and it's kind of a beautiful thing. 816 00:53:29,998 --> 00:53:32,542 It's a blast, obviously. 817 00:53:32,626 --> 00:53:35,003 Sometimes there's tears. And I told Marty, I said, 818 00:53:35,086 --> 00:53:36,630 "We're not gonna be doing this forever. 819 00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:40,258 We gotta get a photo of the Rangers in their tour bus for our memory box." 820 00:53:40,383 --> 00:53:42,344 We got a great picture. Can you show that? 821 00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:58,693 Actually, I'm happy right now to have this time alone, 822 00:53:58,777 --> 00:54:01,029 because I can talk about one of my favorite things 823 00:54:01,112 --> 00:54:02,614 without my work wife in the way. 824 00:54:02,697 --> 00:54:05,492 It's the parts of the banjo. People always ask me, 825 00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:08,703 "Can you name the various parts of the banjo?" And I-- 826 00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:10,789 [Scottish piano music plays] 827 00:54:38,692 --> 00:54:43,196 [imitates "Amazing Grace" as played by bagpipes" 828 00:55:23,486 --> 00:55:27,157 That you laughed at that makes me very disappointed in you. 829 00:55:29,784 --> 00:55:32,329 And now, ladies and gentlemen, some of you may know I started out 830 00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:34,622 as a magician and juggler, but what you may not know 831 00:55:34,706 --> 00:55:37,083 is that I also started out as a ventriloquist, 832 00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:39,919 and I'd like to show you some of those skills tonight. 833 00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:44,716 Hello! 834 00:55:47,635 --> 00:55:49,804 My little wooden-headed friend, Jiminy Glick. 835 00:55:49,888 --> 00:55:51,097 -Hello! -Wow! 836 00:55:51,389 --> 00:55:53,558 Isn't it wonderful to be here, Steve? 837 00:55:54,434 --> 00:55:55,685 I love Greenville! 838 00:55:55,852 --> 00:55:58,521 What a wonderful town. Look how sexy the audience is. 839 00:55:58,605 --> 00:55:59,522 Jiminy! 840 00:55:59,606 --> 00:56:01,608 [woofs] 841 00:56:02,025 --> 00:56:03,026 Look at that lady. 842 00:56:03,109 --> 00:56:04,736 I love the ladies, Steve. 843 00:56:05,779 --> 00:56:07,655 And she's wearing a low-cut dress. 844 00:56:07,739 --> 00:56:09,783 I wish my fingers were scissors 845 00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:12,619 and I'd snip those straps and release the hostages. 846 00:56:13,078 --> 00:56:14,412 Oh, Jiminy! 847 00:56:14,871 --> 00:56:17,582 What a handsome man you are. Look at you! 848 00:56:17,832 --> 00:56:19,584 Your teeth are so white. 849 00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:22,295 Your smile is like an email from Grandma-- 850 00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:23,505 All caps. 851 00:56:28,551 --> 00:56:30,845 Now, Jiminy, you hang out with the big celebrities. 852 00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:32,722 Well, clearly this is my night off. 853 00:56:34,432 --> 00:56:36,935 -You're one of the great critics of style. -Thank you. 854 00:56:37,018 --> 00:56:39,979 So I thought we'd take a look at some photos of people in the news 855 00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:42,899 and you can tell us whether you think they do or do not have style. 856 00:56:42,982 --> 00:56:45,443 Oh, I think this is wonderful and fun-sounding. 857 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:48,321 -Let's take a look. -Let's take a look at our first picture. 858 00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:52,033 Oh, Kim Kar... Well, she's a lovely girl, Steve. But you know, 859 00:56:52,117 --> 00:56:53,410 she's not bright. 860 00:56:53,493 --> 00:56:55,286 -Oh, that's not nice! -No, please. 861 00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:58,289 She thinks soy milk is Spanish for "I am milk." 862 00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:04,170 -Of course, I was at her wedding. -Ooh! 863 00:57:04,254 --> 00:57:07,841 Oh, yes. Her dress was stunning. Kim wore white because, you know, 864 00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:09,259 she can be ironic. 865 00:57:10,552 --> 00:57:12,512 But let's see Kim without all that makeup. 866 00:57:13,805 --> 00:57:14,639 There you go. 867 00:57:17,684 --> 00:57:20,478 But you know what, Steve? You can't deny the lady has style. 868 00:57:20,562 --> 00:57:21,563 She does. Who's next? 869 00:57:22,021 --> 00:57:24,149 -Bernie Sanders. -Bernie Sanders. 870 00:57:24,232 --> 00:57:27,318 Well, Bernie Sanders, everybody felt the bern. 871 00:57:27,402 --> 00:57:30,530 But the reality was, he didn't have a chance to be president. 872 00:57:30,613 --> 00:57:32,031 -That's terrible. Why? -Too old. 873 00:57:32,532 --> 00:57:34,784 Oh, Steve, he's 76 years old. 874 00:57:35,034 --> 00:57:37,454 At his age, the only time he doesn't have to pee 875 00:57:37,537 --> 00:57:38,663 is when he's peeing. 876 00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:44,627 And how did he find time to run for president 877 00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:47,797 and then sit in the balcony and heckle the Muppets? It's a gift. 878 00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:55,722 -But the man has style, yes. -OK. Who's next? 879 00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:58,057 -The Queen. -The Queen. 880 00:57:58,141 --> 00:57:59,517 [woofs] 881 00:57:59,601 --> 00:58:01,352 -Oh, I'd like to mount her! -Jiminy! 882 00:58:01,936 --> 00:58:04,689 -You know that she is 92 now, Steve? -Uh-huh? 883 00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:07,400 For her birthday, Prince Charles gave her an engraved bracelet. 884 00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:08,401 What did it say? 885 00:58:08,485 --> 00:58:09,652 "Do not resuscitate." 886 00:58:12,780 --> 00:58:14,240 -Next! -Who's next? 887 00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:16,951 Jared and Ivanka. This is interesting, Jiminy. 888 00:58:17,118 --> 00:58:19,996 Ivanka converted to Judaism when she married Jared. 889 00:58:20,788 --> 00:58:22,707 Haven't the Jews suffered enough? 890 00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:32,050 -But Jared is an interesting dude. -How? 891 00:58:32,133 --> 00:58:34,552 -He likes surprise sex in the morning. -Yeah. 892 00:58:34,636 --> 00:58:36,095 So he's gonna love prison. 893 00:58:43,728 --> 00:58:45,230 Who's next? 894 00:58:45,897 --> 00:58:48,107 Hillary Clinton. You know, she's the only woman 895 00:58:48,191 --> 00:58:51,402 who can swear under oath that she never had sex with Bill Clinton. 896 00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:54,447 Next! 897 00:58:56,115 --> 00:58:57,116 Ted Cruz. 898 00:58:57,992 --> 00:58:59,994 And I thought I had a stick up my ass. 899 00:59:04,749 --> 00:59:05,833 Who's next? 900 00:59:06,834 --> 00:59:08,878 Dave Letterman, our good friend. 901 00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:11,464 I love Dave Letterman! Here's what I don't get. 902 00:59:11,548 --> 00:59:12,674 Dave looks like that, 903 00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:14,551 but you're the one who plays the banjo. 904 00:59:17,762 --> 00:59:20,890 I wonder how long he waited before eating the other survivors? 905 00:59:23,017 --> 00:59:23,851 -Next! -Let's move on. 906 00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:28,982 Oh, my God, someone dehydrated Ann Coulter. 907 00:59:38,116 --> 00:59:39,200 No, that's Kellyanne Conway. 908 00:59:39,325 --> 00:59:42,620 Oh! I thought my string cheese had come to life. 909 00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:45,373 Next! 910 00:59:45,582 --> 00:59:48,084 -Kim Jong-un. -Kim Jong-un. 911 00:59:48,793 --> 00:59:51,754 Gee, he looks like a bouncer in a lesbian bar, doesn't he? 912 00:59:57,051 --> 01:00:00,638 Someone's making up for his short-range missile, I'll tell you that much. 913 01:00:01,389 --> 01:00:03,850 Looks like someone put a wig on a Butterball turkey. 914 01:00:04,350 --> 01:00:06,519 -The man has no style. -No style? OK. 915 01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:07,770 -No style. -Who's next? 916 01:00:08,479 --> 01:00:12,066 Oh! I had no idea David Spade was transitioning. 917 01:00:17,238 --> 01:00:18,072 Next! 918 01:00:18,781 --> 01:00:19,991 Oh! 919 01:00:20,742 --> 01:00:22,619 Anderson Cooper looks terrible. 920 01:00:23,911 --> 01:00:25,163 No, that's Mike Pence. 921 01:00:25,246 --> 01:00:27,332 Oh, my! This guy is so white, 922 01:00:27,415 --> 01:00:29,834 he makes you look like a member of the Wu-Tang Clan. 923 01:00:32,086 --> 01:00:35,006 He won't have sex because he's afraid it will lead to dancing. 924 01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:38,885 You know, Steve, that's his orgasm face. 925 01:00:38,968 --> 01:00:40,178 It's the same thing. 926 01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:42,680 Who's next? Oh! 927 01:00:43,473 --> 01:00:44,641 Sarah Huckabee Sanders. 928 01:00:44,724 --> 01:00:47,185 Oh, I loved her as Mrs. Doubtfire. 929 01:00:50,813 --> 01:00:54,442 She looks like the "before" person in an Imodium ad. 930 01:00:55,234 --> 01:00:58,071 Do that again. Really, come on. Jeez! 931 01:00:58,154 --> 01:00:59,280 She looks like the... 932 01:00:59,364 --> 01:01:01,199 First of all, you're making me laugh. 933 01:01:01,282 --> 01:01:02,283 Ah! 934 01:01:03,701 --> 01:01:05,244 -Just pick me up! -Come on! 935 01:01:06,037 --> 01:01:07,830 Yeah. Jeez! 936 01:01:09,123 --> 01:01:11,167 -She looks like... -I don't know! 937 01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:15,254 -Here. For God's sake, let me do it. -No, don't you do it. 938 01:01:15,546 --> 01:01:18,549 Ready? She looks like the "before" person 939 01:01:18,633 --> 01:01:20,009 in an Imodium ad. 940 01:01:21,386 --> 01:01:23,763 -We should not have done it again. -I know. 941 01:01:23,846 --> 01:01:24,972 -But you insisted. -Yeah. 942 01:01:25,056 --> 01:01:27,558 How is she not named Bertha? I don't get it. 943 01:01:29,352 --> 01:01:30,728 -Next! -OK. Who's next? 944 01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:35,024 Uh-oh! Looks like the Keebler Elf ate the inventory. 945 01:01:40,571 --> 01:01:41,948 That is Newt Gingrich. 946 01:01:42,031 --> 01:01:44,992 Oh! Gee, I was getting confused with Susan Boyle. 947 01:01:46,744 --> 01:01:49,038 I'd be hard-pressed to say 948 01:01:49,122 --> 01:01:51,207 -that dude has style. -OK. Thank you, Jiminy. 949 01:01:51,499 --> 01:01:52,333 Who's next? 950 01:01:54,669 --> 01:01:58,047 What a brilliant idea by President Donald J. Trump. 951 01:01:58,506 --> 01:02:02,093 He got Vladimir Putin riding the border, looking for Mexicans. 952 01:02:06,764 --> 01:02:08,516 All right, Jiminy, I can't bear this any more. 953 01:02:08,641 --> 01:02:10,059 But I have so much more to say! 954 01:02:10,143 --> 01:02:13,020 That's what I'm afraid of. I'll let you stand on your own two feet. 955 01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:14,814 This is a terrible mistake! 956 01:02:17,442 --> 01:02:20,153 I'll walk. Maybe I'll start running. 957 01:02:24,615 --> 01:02:25,450 Oh, boy! 958 01:02:30,913 --> 01:02:34,792 Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of our show. 959 01:02:34,876 --> 01:02:36,043 [audience] Aww. 960 01:02:36,127 --> 01:02:38,504 Oh, don't worry. The show is far from over. 961 01:02:39,839 --> 01:02:45,261 Your ticket allows you to load the sound equipment into the van after the show. 962 01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:49,223 Let's bring back Marty, ladies and gentlemen. Here he comes. 963 01:02:52,894 --> 01:02:53,770 Thank you! 964 01:02:55,897 --> 01:02:56,731 Marty... 965 01:02:58,399 --> 01:03:01,736 May I say I would not be here on stage tonight if not for you. 966 01:03:01,819 --> 01:03:03,196 Thank you for driving. 967 01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:07,408 And can I say that this audience 968 01:03:07,533 --> 01:03:10,328 is the greatest audience that we have ever played. 969 01:03:10,411 --> 01:03:12,997 -I think so. -You are so generous and fabulous. 970 01:03:15,875 --> 01:03:18,795 We love you like family. Better than family! 971 01:03:18,878 --> 01:03:21,255 -Let's toast them. -Let's give them a toast. 972 01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:23,132 This is our favorite part of the show. 973 01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:26,219 -Give them a toast, Steve. -To you, the wonderful audience 974 01:03:26,302 --> 01:03:29,138 here in South Carolina. We've had a great time. Thank you so much. 975 01:03:29,222 --> 01:03:30,389 Thank you so much. 976 01:03:37,814 --> 01:03:40,608 Spumante with two Sweet'N Lows. Just the way I like it. 977 01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:44,237 And I'd like to thank my fabulous musical director, 978 01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:46,280 the talented, the affable, 979 01:03:46,364 --> 01:03:49,158 and somewhat limited Jeff Babko right there. 980 01:03:51,536 --> 01:03:52,578 Thank you, Jeffrey! 981 01:03:55,665 --> 01:03:58,584 And let's bring back the incredible Steep Canyon Rangers. 982 01:03:58,668 --> 01:03:59,502 Yeah! 983 01:04:08,886 --> 01:04:12,098 You know, Marty, it's the end of our time here in South Carolina 984 01:04:12,181 --> 01:04:15,768 and I woke up this morning feeling a little sentimental. 985 01:04:15,935 --> 01:04:19,856 And you know how I do like to write songs, that I get inspired once in a while, 986 01:04:19,939 --> 01:04:24,277 and I wrote a little tune that kind of... celebrates our friendship. 987 01:04:24,986 --> 01:04:26,904 -Oh, really? -Yeah. I wrote some lyrics 988 01:04:26,988 --> 01:04:30,283 and I thought maybe we could do it tonight. Your lyrics are in black 989 01:04:30,366 --> 01:04:33,494 and then I have mine in blue and I will teach you the melody. 990 01:04:33,578 --> 01:04:36,455 Oh, don't worry about that, Steve. All your melodies sound the same. 991 01:04:39,041 --> 01:04:40,167 You wrote this today? 992 01:04:40,251 --> 01:04:42,837 I did, and I gotta say, you know, I... 993 01:04:43,254 --> 01:04:45,923 had a few moments of emotionality, I thought. 994 01:04:46,007 --> 01:04:49,677 My wife thinks Marty and I are too close, but we resolved that 995 01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:53,055 by getting one of those beds with the adjustable Sleep Numbers. 996 01:04:53,222 --> 01:04:54,473 It does work. 997 01:04:55,850 --> 01:04:56,851 Oh, thank you. 998 01:04:59,228 --> 01:05:00,438 What's that gotta mic? 999 01:05:07,445 --> 01:05:10,406 I mean, I knew you were talented, but... 1000 01:05:13,117 --> 01:05:14,952 You said, "Top that, motherfucker." 1001 01:05:24,962 --> 01:05:25,796 OK. 1002 01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:29,091 -So you wrote this today? -I did. 1003 01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:31,177 -Well, I'm moved. -Listen to it once. 1004 01:05:31,260 --> 01:05:32,094 All right. 1005 01:05:41,604 --> 01:05:44,649 ♪ Through the years you've made me grin ♪ 1006 01:05:45,066 --> 01:05:48,945 ♪ My funny and creative friend ♪ 1007 01:05:49,403 --> 01:05:52,490 ♪ You've set me up and made me laugh ♪ 1008 01:05:52,740 --> 01:05:56,661 ♪ You're a great comedian ♪ 1009 01:05:58,454 --> 01:06:01,082 ♪ You're so right You're so right ♪ 1010 01:06:01,374 --> 01:06:04,585 ♪ Oh, my buddy, you're so right ♪ 1011 01:06:21,602 --> 01:06:24,647 ♪ On the screen, you're the one ♪ 1012 01:06:25,022 --> 01:06:28,359 ♪ Like Chaplin or a Nicholson ♪ 1013 01:06:28,818 --> 01:06:32,029 ♪ I search for words To describe you best ♪ 1014 01:06:32,571 --> 01:06:36,534 ♪ I'll just settle for "genius" ♪ 1015 01:06:38,119 --> 01:06:40,579 ♪ Let's count the awards That you have won ♪ 1016 01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:43,457 ♪ One, two, three, four, five, six ♪ 1017 01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:44,917 ♪ None ♪ 1018 01:06:57,638 --> 01:07:00,224 ♪ Oh, my friend, you're such an ass ♪ 1019 01:07:00,850 --> 01:07:04,103 ♪ And I mean that in the sense of ass ♪ 1020 01:07:05,146 --> 01:07:07,732 ♪ A-S-S spelled with an O ♪ 1021 01:07:08,024 --> 01:07:11,527 ♪ So you're an ass with a hole ♪ 1022 01:07:15,489 --> 01:07:16,949 ♪ I am rubber, you are glue ♪ 1023 01:07:17,033 --> 01:07:19,160 ♪ Words bounce off me And stick to you ♪ 1024 01:07:20,286 --> 01:07:23,164 ♪ Our friendship has so long survived ♪ 1025 01:07:23,247 --> 01:07:26,208 ♪ It's lasted 30 years somehow ♪ 1026 01:07:26,542 --> 01:07:28,836 ♪ We are buddies to the end ♪ 1027 01:07:29,003 --> 01:07:31,172 ♪ Who thought the end would be ♪ 1028 01:07:31,756 --> 01:07:33,174 ♪ Right now? ♪ 1029 01:07:33,716 --> 01:07:36,635 -My friend Steve Martin! -My friend Martin Short! 1030 01:07:45,186 --> 01:07:46,353 -Ta-da! -Thank you. 1031 01:07:47,688 --> 01:07:48,856 Thank you very much. 1032 01:07:48,981 --> 01:07:50,399 -Thank you! -Thank you! 1033 01:07:50,733 --> 01:07:52,443 I love this end the best. 1034 01:07:52,943 --> 01:07:55,029 -This is my end. -Thank you all. 1035 01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:57,990 Very nice. Thank you. 1036 01:08:02,119 --> 01:08:03,412 I love this end the best! 1037 01:08:03,496 --> 01:08:04,622 Thank you. 1038 01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:06,582 Good night. 1039 01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:09,126 Thank you very much. 1040 01:08:13,798 --> 01:08:14,840 Ta-da! 1041 01:08:17,426 --> 01:08:20,012 -Ta-da! -Thank you. Good night, everybody. 1042 01:08:20,096 --> 01:08:21,013 Good night. 1043 01:08:46,539 --> 01:08:47,581 Thank you so much. 1044 01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:49,583 Now... 1045 01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:52,378 Please be seated. 1046 01:08:53,838 --> 01:08:55,756 Now, we thought we were done. 1047 01:08:56,340 --> 01:09:00,219 But we went offstage and there was a lawyer from Netflix there, 1048 01:09:00,302 --> 01:09:03,722 telling us that we are obligated to do five more minutes. 1049 01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:07,685 Contractually. 1050 01:09:08,269 --> 01:09:10,729 So I guess this is our encore. 1051 01:09:10,813 --> 01:09:13,649 Now, I know there are varying ticket prices tonight 1052 01:09:13,732 --> 01:09:16,443 and it never seemed fair to me that people who paid less 1053 01:09:16,527 --> 01:09:18,654 should have the same encore experience... 1054 01:09:19,738 --> 01:09:22,992 as those who paid more. So if you did pay less, do the right thing-- 1055 01:09:23,075 --> 01:09:25,536 Cover one eye or one ear. Hit it, guys. 1056 01:09:29,498 --> 01:09:31,750 ♪ Five more minutes to fill ♪ 1057 01:09:33,085 --> 01:09:35,421 ♪ Five more minutes to kill ♪ 1058 01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:38,007 ♪ We had a lot of fun ♪ 1059 01:09:38,090 --> 01:09:39,425 ♪ We thought we were done ♪ 1060 01:09:39,508 --> 01:09:42,136 ♪ But our lawyers said an hour 51 ♪ 1061 01:09:43,220 --> 01:09:45,931 ♪ The audience wants to go home ♪ 1062 01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:49,268 ♪ Enough with the jerk and the gnome ♪ 1063 01:09:50,269 --> 01:09:53,189 ♪ Everything they said Made me wish I'd stayed in bed ♪ 1064 01:09:53,272 --> 01:09:54,732 ♪ But I'm glad I saw their show ♪ 1065 01:09:54,815 --> 01:09:56,483 -♪ Before they're dead ♪ -♪ Dance, Steve! ♪ 1066 01:10:10,247 --> 01:10:12,333 ♪ We've certainly had a good time ♪ 1067 01:10:13,876 --> 01:10:15,794 ♪ Marty and Steve were so fine ♪ 1068 01:10:15,878 --> 01:10:17,004 Oh, well... 1069 01:10:17,213 --> 01:10:18,714 ♪ Let's get in the car ♪ 1070 01:10:18,797 --> 01:10:20,424 ♪ And find the nearest bar ♪ 1071 01:10:20,507 --> 01:10:22,760 ♪ And talk about that one funny line ♪ 1072 01:10:22,843 --> 01:10:23,677 What? 1073 01:10:24,011 --> 01:10:24,845 Dance! 1074 01:10:29,266 --> 01:10:30,976 Take it home, Stevie! 1075 01:10:37,524 --> 01:10:39,693 ♪ One more minute to fill ♪ 1076 01:10:40,986 --> 01:10:43,239 ♪ One more minute to kill ♪ 1077 01:10:44,240 --> 01:10:45,866 ♪ We had a lot of fun ♪ 1078 01:10:45,950 --> 01:10:47,826 ♪ We thought we were done ♪ 1079 01:10:48,285 --> 01:10:50,204 ♪ And Peace Center ♪ 1080 01:10:50,788 --> 01:10:52,873 ♪ You're the bestest theater ♪ 1081 01:10:52,957 --> 01:10:55,251 ♪ In the... ♪ 1082 01:10:55,334 --> 01:10:56,710 [Jeff] Guys, that's five minutes. 1083 01:10:56,794 --> 01:10:58,254 -Good night. -Good night, everybody 1084 01:11:22,403 --> 01:11:23,404 Thank you. 1085 01:11:27,449 --> 01:11:28,450 Thank you, Steven. 1086 01:11:33,247 --> 01:11:34,248 Thank you. 1087 01:11:35,332 --> 01:11:36,375 Good night, guys. 1088 01:11:37,293 --> 01:11:39,503 Thank you all. Good night. You've been great! 1089 01:11:39,586 --> 01:11:40,462 Steve. 1090 01:11:43,173 --> 01:11:44,883 -Good night. -Good night. Bye-bye.