[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Martin!
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Wow!
Thank you so much! It's not necessary.
Thank you.
Thank you. Please be seated.
Marty couldn't make it. Have a safe ride home.
[jaunty piano riff]
Right off the top, I want to apologize for ticket prices.
I know from your point of view, you're thinking, "It's only two guys.
Why is it so expensive?"
But you know, it takes 18 people to put this show on.
We have two sound engineers.
We have a lighting director. We have seven musicians on stage.
We have someone to walk my Fitbit around.
[audience laughs]
We have an intermediary,
because Marty and I no longer speak to each other.
We have a celebrity lookalike in case I don't feel like going on.
Steve says hi, by the way.
But ladies and gentlemen,
right now I am so excited to introduce a man I love to work with.
A man I met over 30 years ago.
[audience cheers]
A man...
a man...
a man who is...
a man who is so, so talented in so many different ways.
He sings. He dances.
He's an incredible musician
and I consider him to be the real star of the show tonight.
Mr. Jeff Babko on piano, ladies and gentlemen.
[audience laughs, applauds]
-Thanks, Steve! You know, I thought-- -Thank you, Jeff.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to introduce a man
who's as funny as a barrel of monkeys... But that's it.
Mr. Martin Short!
[audience applauds]
I love this end the best!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Just because I say "thank you" doesn't mean you have to stop applauding.
I can't tell you how humble...
your response makes a huge star like me feel.
Please be seated.
How are we on time?
-We just started. -Oh, I see.
All we ask...
♪ Is you love us ♪
♪ And like us as well ♪
♪ We're desperate for attention ♪
♪ And we're needy as hell ♪
♪ All we ask is you want us ♪
♪ We'll give you our thanks ♪
♪ 'Cause our egos are gigantic ♪
♪ And we're both wearing Spanx ♪
♪ So don't be apprehensive ♪
♪ Cause limos are expensive ♪
♪ Just love me ♪
♪ Even more than I love ♪
[voice warbling] ♪ My... ♪
[wheezes]
Damn this Greenville altitude!
Melissa!
-It's Jeff. -Jeff!
Let's try that top note one more time, shall we?
♪ Even more than I love ♪
♪ My... ♪
[note continues]
Damn! Son of a bitch!
♪ ...self! ♪
Thank you so much!
But stop loving just me. Remember Steve's here too.
You know, Marty, it's been a long-time dream of mine to perform a two-man show
right here at the Peace Center with you in Grinville...
-Greenville! -Grinville?
-Grinville! -Grinville?
Greenville. You know, I shouldn't have had that Motrin. Anyway...
In Greenville... South Carolina.
Tonight...
Anyway, tonight, I feel I am one step closer to that dream.
You know what?
-Steve! -Let's just leave that as is.
Steve, you'd tell me if you'd had a stroke, wouldn't you?
But you're right. It is a thrill.
It's actually more than a thrill.
It's an obligation.
Steve and I call this show If We'd Saved, We Wouldn't Be Here.
-Good night, everybody! -Hey!
-Marty! -No!
I looked online at the Peace Center website and there were our photos
and across them were written the words "sold out."
And I thought...
how rude.
Let me just say, Steve...
truthfully, what an honor it is for me to be standing next to a man
who is a novelist, a playwright, a musician, a composer...
and a legendary comedian.
And let me say what an honor it is for me to be standing next to the man
who is standing next to that man.
You know, Steve, of all the people
that I have a fake show business relationship with,
I feel fake closest to you.
Buddy!
Oh, by the way, when Marty and I fly together,
we save a lot of money,
because Marty fits conveniently in the overhead bin.
True. Absolutely true.
Let me just say, I am such a fan.
I mean, I see your work and I'm whelmed.
I think I've seen Cheaper by the Dozen over 500 times.
Wow! Thank you!
Every time I see it, I say the same thing.
"Steve, you know, we could watch something else."
You know what I love about touring around with Marty Short?
No paparazzi.
When I think of Steve...
And it's not often. But when I do...
the one thing that strikes me more than anything else about you
is how unbelievably pale you are in person.
It's like I'm being haunted, you know? No, really.
I mean, you look like a page in a coloring book
that hasn't been colored yet.
Steve once got a sunburn from his Kindle reader. You know?
You look like Anderson Cooper froze to death on New Year's Eve.
Yes, you do!
Thank you. Thank you.
You look like someone put a white toupee on a urinal.
Hey, listen to me. I'm not trying to be negative.
No, I can tell!
-Why? -But out of curiosity,
how far into the embalming process did they get
before you woke up screaming?
It must have been frightening for you.
We should explain something. It sounds like we are insulting each other,
but we're actually not. This is the way we pay compliments in Hollywood.
That's correct. It's true.
Hollywood compliments are a lot like regular compliments.
But they have a slight passive aggressive dig at the end.
-I'll give you an example. -Yeah.
Steve, you know, it's truly an honor for me
to be performing with the world's biggest star...
from 1978.
Oh, Marty, that is so sweet!
And I often hear people refer to you as a whole entertainer.
Well, I added the word "entertainer."
And may I say that you look fantastic?
And I guess that's the charm of looking 70 since you were 30.
Burn!
Hey, Marty, you know I think of you as a Renaissance Man,
and not just because you carry smallpox.
You know, I...
I don't often use the word "genius."
-And? -Nothing.
You know, the other day, Steve butt-dialed me,
which was so impressive,
considering he still uses a rotary phone.
When did you add that?
-Tonight. -OK!
And by the way, I loved you on Fallon the other night. Oh, my God!
-Your comedy was so effortless. -Thank you.
And I kept thinking, I wonder how it'd be if you'd put a little effort into it.
-Did you see me on Ellen? -No, I missed that.
Of course. What am I thinking? That's on at 3 p.m.
And that's when you're having dinner.
By the way, Martin Short is also the name I use
when I check into a hotel and want to be anonymous.
Thirty-five years later and you're still the jerk.
And that's how we do it in Hollywood.
Steve and I feel that you, the audience, might like to get to know us better.
Yes. And the reason we think that
-is because we're egomaniacs. -Correct.
So we'd like to share with you some of the hidden gems
-from our family photo collections. -Yes.
These are rarely, if ever, seen private photos.
-Absolutely. -Let's look at the first one.
This is Marty when he was just two years old. Adorable.
That's cute, isn't it?
My dark period. Look at that.
And here's a shot of me on Christmas morning when I was six years old.
Let me ask you something, Steve.
When the guy sold you that Christmas tree...
how hard was he laughing?
This was taken when I was just a young boy in Texas.
And it's a photo of my first marriage.
-Next! -Let's go to the next one.
-[Martin] Ooh! -[Steve] Aww...
Here's a photo of me when I was 13 years of age
on the beach with my parents.
[Steve] That's really you?
Because at first I thought it was Winnie the Pooh.
You know what's amazing about this photo?
How well my parents are hiding their disappointment.
Oh, and then now that's me at 15.
My first trip to New York City. That's my mom and two brothers.
We went from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada to New York City.
The first trip to New York.
And we were at the Latin Quarter nightclub.
Now that, that's impressive.
Your family drove you down from Canada to New York City
to see a nightclub show. That's pretty sophisticated.
-Do you remember the name of the show? -Sure.
It was the late Bea Arthur's one-woman show entitled
You Got It In There, Now Get It Out.
[audience chortles sporadically]
Well, I guess we'll work that out later.
Now, let's see the next one.
Oh, yes. This was me
right before I was sent away to camp to pray the gay away.
There you go.
Marty, I love this picture of you as a teenager.
Yes.
It was taken right before I created Apple in my garage.
To me, it looks like someone who sells macrame on Etsy.
[Steve] Here I am working at Disneyland's magic shop when I was 15 years old.
[Martin] And look, that's me hanging up there behind you. Look at that.
Can we take a closer look at that?
-Oh, yeah. -There we go.
Somehow that's one of the less creepy photos of you I've ever seen.
Speaking of creepy...
Come on, we've all done it!
Please!
[Steve] And here's my senior prom. What a fun night that was.
[Martin] Look how handsome you were.
-[Steve] Look how pretty you were. -[Martin] Thank you.
[Martin] I love this dashing picture of you from your high school yearbook.
[Steve] You know what's interesting about this photo?
It's a color photo.
That's my point! That's what I've been saying.
I love this dashing photo of you from high school.
[Martin] Well, now you're being cruel.
That was the year I was voted Most Likely to Marry a Cousin.
It's even got your grade point average up there.
I'll tell you what I love about this photo.
It proves
that anyone can make it.
[Martin] Ooh!
Tell us about this photo, Steve.
[Steve] I call this picture...
"Hello, ladies."
"Goodbye, ladies."
[Steve] This is an exclusive.
This is the first photo of the new border wall.
That'll keep them out.
[Steve] And this is what it would look like if cocaine had a face.
[Steve] Oh, I love this pic. This is actually you in the actual Oval Office.
Yes, it was.
It was 1994, and you're probably wondering what I'm doing.
I know what you're doing. Question is,
did Bill Clinton take you up on your offer?
Now let's take a look at our last photo.
[Steve] Look how happy you are.
[Martin] You know, this was June 28th 2009.
-[Steve] Thank you, Rain Man. -You're welcome.
But I remember why you were laughing and smiling so hard.
-Why? -I had just told you
that one day we'd be so desperate, we'd be working together.
You know, Marty and I met on the film
-The Three Amigos. -Yes.
The Three Amigos, a movie that has been recently labeled a classic.
Downgraded from masterpiece.
Next stop, just OK.
And it was on that movie that I first realized
that Marty had this kind of quirky sense of humor.
We'd only been on the movie a couple of weeks, so I knew him for two weeks.
And there's a lot of down time on the movie, so Chevy, Marty, and I
would pass time by playing Scrabble in one of our trailers.
And so we're playing Scrabble.
I look over at Marty, whom I don't really know, and he's writing a note.
He folds it over and slides it to me, and it said,
"I will let you ball my wife Nancy for an E or a Q."
I tend to be competitive.
The Three Amigos was so amazing for me, you know, because it was my first movie.
And for a first movie,
I'm suddenly put on equal billing to two massive movie stars.
Or... so they told me.
And...
I remember the opening night of The Three Amigos was like out of a movie.
It was insane. It was like, you know, 2,000 people lining Hollywood Boulevard
in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater.
And the studio had asked the three of us to show up
in our full Three Amigos regalia,
with the hats and the bolero jackets and the spurs.
But at 4 p.m. that afternoon...
I called Chevy and said, "Let's wear our tuxes and not tell Marty."
-Bastard! -I don't care.
-Let's sit and chat. -Absolutely. If we only had chairs.
-Look at that. -Oh! Oh, boy, here I go!
Be careful!
All aboard! OK, look at that.
Oh, boy!
-We should have rehearsed that. -Yeah, it was good.
I love that picture of you so much in Manhattan seeing a nightclub show.
And I know you grew up in Hamilton, Ontario,
loving the crooners. Frank Sinatra.
I did. It was odd, because, you know...
I mean, this was the '60s, and all kids my age, you know, 12, 13, 14,
were the Beatles and the Stones.
But I had this great attic bedroom,
and I had tape recorders and record players,
and I'd go up and just listen to the great singers
like Tony Bennett, and I'd listen to an album, like, eight times in a row,
trying to figure out how he placed notes.
♪ I will come home ♪
♪ To you, San Francisco ♪
You know?
Pretty good.
But the most amazing thing for me was Frank Sinatra.
I mean, he was a miracle.
I loved him in the '40s and the '50s,
but in the Swinging '60s...
♪ Fly me to the moon ♪
♪ And let me swing forevermore... ♪
Wow!
-But it was the... -Yeah!
But it's...
When he got into his late 70s...
that was my favorite,
because he was singing all the wrong material, you know?
♪ I shot the sheriff ♪
♪ However, I did not shoot the deputy ♪
♪ Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong... ♪
-You know? -You met him, right?
-I did. -Yeah.
I was terrified to meet him, I think as often you are of your heroes.
And... But I was at this
unbelievable Hollywood party.
It was September 26th 1992.
-It was at the home of George Schlatter... -Oh, yeah.
...the great Hollywood producer who did Laugh-In.
And you walked into this house
and it was like you were walking into a Hollywood wax museum.
I mean, everyone was famous.
You looked over there
[imitates Jimmy Stewart] and Jimmy Stewart was telling a story about his dog, Sam.
Over there, Katharine Hepburn's talking to Paul Newman.
[imitates Katharine Hepburn] She's saying, "I love Sundays, Paul.
I always did.
I wake up very early.
I have a huge bowl of bran.
The next few hours, I am indisposed and then it's Monday."
But the most amazing moment of all these people was I look over
and there's a 77-year-old Frank Sinatra
just standing by himself at the bar with a drink.
So I go, "Oh..."
I have to do this. So I go up to him and I say...
"Mr. Sinatra...
my name is Martin Short.
You have no idea.
You have no concept of how big a fan I am of yours."
And he looked at me and said...
[imitates Frank Sinatra] "I think I do."
He said, "What are you drinking, kid?"
And I said, "Oh, well,
whatever you're having, Frank."
So he turned to the bartender and said, "Jack Daniel's."
And the bartender said, "Straight up or on the rocks?"
But I was nervous. I thought he said, "Straight up or relaxed?"
So I said, "Oh, I'll have it relaxed."
Frank said, "He said, 'Straight up or on the rocks?'"
So I'd known Frank 15 seconds and I'd already pissed him off.
You know?
You know, what amazes me about that story is
you were an adult.
Yes! I was.
You had been around. You were fairly sophisticated. How old were you?
I was 47.
That proves my point that we always carry
this ounce of naivete with us, no matter what we've done or where we've been.
You know, and I can prove it.
Marty and I used to go to St. Barts every Christmas
for a visit with a bunch of friends.
And St. Barts started as a little funky Island
with little ramshackle restaurants on the beach,
but through the years, it became a kind of a celebrity hang-out
and then paparazzi started to show up.
And the goal of the paparazzi
is to get the absolute worst possible photo of you possible.
I can prove it. Here's a photo of us that actually ran in the National Enquirer.
Oh, boy, look at that!
Look at that right there.
And they had a perfectly decent photo of us that they didn't run.
Do you have that? There you go.
-Let me ask you this. -OK.
I find this fascinating about you. 'Cause you have been...
famous
for, what, eight, nine years now? No, really.
You have been massively famous
for well over 40 years. How odd has that been?
Well, obviously, it's a different kind of life.
And, you know, things happen that wouldn't happen ordinarily
and you kind of remember them.
Then eventually you just remember the two or three kind of odd things
that happen, like... Actually, this just happened a couple of months ago.
I was in Santa Barbara, walking down the street, and a young girl about 16
came up to me and said, "Did you do that movie The Jerk?"
And I said, "Yes, I did."
And she said, "You gonna do another movie?"
It's also perfect circumstance for left-handed compliments.
They think they're complimenting you but they're not.
We always screen a comedy movie to test it to see if it gets laughs.
So we did that in the '80s sometime.
We had a test screening, and after the movie,
a woman spotted me and came over and said,
"Oh, I love this movie! And my husband loved it
and he hates you."
Even my own mother could do it.
I had a movie open one weekend and on Monday, she called me up and she said,
"Oh. Some friends of mine went to the movies last weekend,
and they couldn't get in anywhere, so they went to see yours."
That's a...
That's a Hollywood compliment!
My mother died when she was 91.
And toward the end, she was a little bit senile,
which is, you know, quite poignant, but also could be sometimes quite funny.
Once I was talking to her and she said...
"Where's Glenn?" That was my father.
And I said, "Well, he died three years ago."
And she said...
"Well, that explains a lot."
Oh, that's great!
I love your story about meeting Frank Sinatra.
I also met some pretty good people too. I met Cary Grant.
-Wow! -I met Fred Astaire. I met Elvis.
That was the biggest get of all.
It was about 1970.
I was just a young comedian and I was opening for Ann-Margret in Las Vegas.
And I knew Elvis was coming to see the show, because they were friends.
And so I did my act, and now I'm waiting after the show.
I leave my dressing room door open 'cause I know Elvis is coming back.
I'm just kind of standing there waiting and he walks by me and looks and goes...
[imitates Elvis] "Sir...
You have an oblique sense of humor."
And then he came in and we started talking.
And I was very flattered, because Elvis has a guy whose sole job it is
to get him out of conversations.
So the guy came up and said,
"Elvis, we have to go." And Elvis said, "It's OK."
And so we talked a little bit more. And Elvis was a big gun collector.
He liked exotic guns, engraved things and pearl handles,
and finally, when we ran out of conversation, he said,
"Wanna see my guns?"
And I said, "Sure."
And so he had three guns on him.
He did.
First one was a little engraved derringer. He's very safety-conscious.
He took the bullets out before he handed it to me.
And I'm admiring them and eventually
I'm holding three guns and Elvis is holding eighteen bullets.
And I'm thinking...
Where is Elvis's guy?
And I realize that I now have to get my guy
to get me out of conversations with Elvis.
Not something you'd ever think about!
-It's absolutely true, by the way. -That's hilarious!
Now I have a question for you.
You do something I don't. You do characters, impressions.
When you do an impression of someone, do they ever get mad at you?
Well...
When you do a new character, hopefully they don't find out, you know.
But when you do a new character, you kind of... You do have to base it
or I do, on someone you've met in your life, even in your childhood.
It kind of gives the character three dimensions.
And in the year 1984, '85, I was a cast member of Saturday Night Live.
And...
the head of makeup that year was a woman named Marion Siebert.
And Marion was the most defensive human being you'd ever met in your life.
You'd sit in her makeup chair.
And she always chain-smoked.
You could do that inside in 1984 then.
And she'd be dabbing your makeup and smoking.
And you'd say, "Gee, Marion, I look a little pale, don't I?"
And she'd say, "I know that! I'm a makeup artist. I would know that."
"Sorry!" You know?
So about a month later,
Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer and I
are writing a satiric piece on 60 Minutes.
I was going to play the defensive lawyer who always represents the bad guy.
And we called him Nathan Thurm.
But I didn't know how to play it. I didn't know I should do it.
And Billy Crystal said, "Why don't you do it as Marion Siebert?
You impersonate her behind her back all the time anyway."
And I said, "No, but she'll find out."
"She won't know," he said.
"They never know," he said.
So I said, "OK, good idea. I'll do it."
So I even got a cigarette, same brand as Marion's,
but I put a wire in it, so that as it burned down,
the ash would never fall off, you know?
So I go to the set,
and I forget that Marion is there, of course,
because she's the head of makeup. So she's over there.
I'm here with my cigarette.
Harry Shearer is playing Mike Wallace and he says,
"Mr. Thurm, you've admitted your client was breaking the law at that point."
I say, "I know that! You don't think I know that?
I'm a lawyer. I would know that."
And the director goes, "Cut! He's sweating."
Marion says, "I know that! You don't think I know that? I'm a makeup artist."
It was insane.
But, you know, when a character becomes popular on SNL,
you're kind of expected to do it again.
And every time I did Nathan Thurm, I was terrified I would get caught,
and I never got caught.
But then after the last show, there was a big, big, big party.
And Marion's assistant got drunk.
He went into her office and said, "Marion!
How stupid are you?
Don't you know that you're Nathan Thurm?
Everybody else does!"
And she was devastated.
She was so upset, you know, and she came up and she confronted me.
She said, "I thought you were my friend."
And I said, "Marion, I am your friend.
But you know that...
impersonation is the highest form of compliment."
She said, "I know that. You don't think I know that? I read books. I know that."
Now, Marty, there's a piano over there and I think you are underrated
as a singer, which I completely get.
I'm wondering, would you do a tune for us?
Well, I mean...
I suppose I...
I suppose I could. That is... if you'd really like me to.
-[piano trills] -Ah!
Well, you heard them.
A resounding no.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Martin Short.
Thank you.
[jazzy tune plays]
Thank you, Steve.
Boy, does his cologne linger or what? Wow!
It's so nice for me to perform with someone who's a potential organ donor.
I'm going to keep this brief, because I left my Uber driver waiting
and you know how testy Steve Bannon can get. So...
But I adore Steve Martin. I really do.
He's one of my oldest friends.
Steve and I are like Donny and Marie without the sexual tension.
We go together like Ellen DeGeneres and a vest.
I mean, it's a team, is what I'm saying.
And hanging out with Steve Martin,
well, it's a lot like the movie Deliverance.
It's all fun and games until the banjos come out.
Thank you.
Now, you know, when Steve plays his banjo...
I like to close my eyes and pretend I'm on hold with Cracker Barrel.
One time I asked Steve... I said,
"What would you be doing if you weren't a talented comedic actor?" He said...
"Probably what you're doing."
But I'm so happy
to be here tonight.
Although that could be the Vicodin and Xanax talking, but I don't think so.
Because for me, there's no...
greater high than performing in front of a live audience.
No greater high.
In fact, the only difference between you people
and pure-grade pharmaceutical morphine...
is that morphine doesn't judge.
Of course, performing live, you have to stay fit.
You know, I've been on Jenny Craig more times than Mr. Craig.
But you know... Listen. Let me tell you.
There is a lot of pressure to stay looking good in show business.
That's the rule of show business: stay looking good.
There are of course many rules in show business.
You always take penicillin after a Leonardo DiCaprio pool party.
When you pick up Kevin Hart, you always have to remember to cradle the neck.
You never sneak up on Gwyneth Paltrow during a cleanse.
That can be a mistake.
Always let Steve Harvey's mustache sniff your hand before you pet it.
I mean...
You never embark on a conversation with Matthew McConaughey
without an exit strategy.
You never say to Bill Cosby,
"Hey, Bill. Could you fix my wife a drink?" You don't do it!
You don't do it, Jeff.
It's interesting.
On the cab ride here tonight...
Because the Peace Center wouldn't send a car.
I was reflecting on the original impetus of why I wanted to...
-Ow! -Oh, for God's sake!
How does something like that happen?
Hey, say hello to Jeff Babko, everyone.
The fabulous Jeff Babko!
Keyboard player for Jimmy Kimmel Live! every night,
-Thank you. -We love you, Jeff.
You know, he's one of my oldest friends.
He was there when all three of my children were conceived.
I know 'cause I was out of town making a movie at the time.
Anyway, Jeff, thank you for being here tonight.
Great to be here, Marty.
I was thinking today at the hotel earlier about my musical training
and I know we've talked about it before,
but I learned so much about timing and its relationship
to harmony and melody in music, and it reminded me
of the important kind of symbiosis that....
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Shh.
You've got to stop talking now because...
-that was really a dull story. -I wasn't quite done.
I mean, people think pills killed Marilyn Monroe.
You stopped by. That's what happened.
I have the legs of a marionette, don't I? Look at that.
[whimsical tune plays]
First of all, no muscle tone. That's one of the...
I think these socks were a mistake.
They worked in the drawer, I'll tell you.
I think they're a little Wizard of Oz-y for their own good.
Can't you just see the house landing on the witch and this thing happening?
-How does a man sit on a piano? It's... -Not like that.
This isn't good. You can't do that.
This is a little coy, I think.
Little gentle here. Well, I'll just leave it like that.
-Down. -What?
-Down. -Oh. Come on!
Anyway...
On the carriage ride here tonight... 'Cause I love to pamper myself.
...the driver said, "What is the name of the film you made I hated?"
And I thought, "Oh, my God, he knows my work."
Then it dawned on me.
Here's a man who hates me for my work, but doesn't know me well enough
to hate me for who I am.
So that's why tonight I'm going to tell you a little bit about my life,
a little bit about my journey.
As you may or may not know, I'm Canadian.
[scattered applause]
That's it?
-Are we at war? -Two people.
We're the aliens you don't deport.
I just turned 67 years of age.
No work.
I know you're thinking, "No kidding!"
'Cause cosmetic surgery doesn't work on a man.
You know, you get this look.
Hello.
No, I've just lost weight.
Wonderful story!
No one says, "Who's that 38-year-old dude?"
They say, "Who's the 67-year-old who's been in a fire?"
Wonderful story!
Anyway, my first love has always been the theater.
Then comes movies and television and then my family.
I have three children.
One of each.
What?
I grew up in a house filled with love.
In that our cousin lived with us and she put out. And...
She used to say, "It's better to have loved a Short
than never to have loved a tall."
Clever Lena is what we called her.
More than anything in the world...
I adored my parents.
Especially my mom.
God rest her soul.
She's not dead yet.
But it's not looking good, I'll tell you that much.
My father was a little more complicated.
You know, he was Irish. So there was a lot of...
[gargles]
I used to say, "Dad, why make that noise? Just drink the gin," you know.
I don't know if anyone's had a parent who tippled...
but my father...
What are you staring at?
My father...
Very successful guy.
You know, Vice President of Canadian Steel.
But he loved to take a sip.
And the second he got home from work,
he would have a gin and ginger, no ice.
As the Irish do.
And he would sip and sip and sip until he went to bed,
and then on the weekends, he'd drink all weekend.
He wouldn't start that early, seven in the morning. And...
Around three in the afternoon on a Saturday,
you'd look over at him. It wasn't like he was slurring,
but you suddenly realized his hair was drunk.
You know?
He was always teaching the secret of golf.
[in Irish accent] You know, Marty...
I was talking to this Jewish chap at the club.
Goldberg or Silver or Bronstein.
I can't remember. I know there was a precious metal involved in his name.
He said to me, "You know, Charlie, I'm half-Irish and I'm half-Jewish."
And I said, "You know, Stan...
I am from Crossmaglen, County Armagh.
And in Armagh,
we have a term for someone who is half-Irish and half-Jewish.
We call them a Jew."
Anyway, Marty, did you hear about the blind prostitute?
You had to hand it to her.
Then the fights would start, you know.
But I was the youngest of five, so I could sneak off to my fabulous attic bedroom,
where everything was bliss, and I'd listen to Frank and Tony.
But eventually I had to leave the attic.
Mainly because I was 23 years of age
and my parents had sold the house.
But where was I to go?
The year... 1972.
And at that time, Off-Off-Broadway was obsessed with two things.
Religious musicals and full frontal nudity.
I auditioned for Jesus Christ Superstar.
But I didn't get it.
Then I auditioned for Hair.
And I didn't get it.
Then I auditioned for an all-nude...
tribal rock musical of the second-greatest story ever told.
Step-Brother to Jesus.
And a terrible thing happened.
I got it.
♪ My father Joseph ♪
♪ Before he met the Virgin Mary ♪
♪ He loved my mother on some Would-be Christmas night ♪
♪ But darkness covers ♪
♪ What in the daylight sure looks scary ♪
♪ Mother was a leper ♪
♪ And that ain't a pretty sight ♪
♪ And so he left her ♪
♪ But she still had his love inside her ♪
♪ So on her one good leg ♪
♪ She crawled to Galilee ♪
♪ There were no Wise Men ♪
♪ With the gifts of gold and myrrh Beside her ♪
♪ When nine months later ♪
♪ Out came me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the step-brother to Jesus ♪
♪ I may be a bastard But the ladies seem to like it ♪
♪ Step-brother to Jesus ♪
♪ My pappy may not live Up in heaven above ♪
♪ But I'm the step-brother to Jesus ♪
♪ I sing so loud That you don't need to mic it ♪
♪ I'm God's gift to a lady For a night of love ♪
-♪ Step-brother to Jesus ♪ -♪ Night of love ♪
♪ Step-brother to Jesus ♪
♪ What's the big deal About raising the dead? ♪
Hello, ladies.
I know what you're thinking.
Remember it's the theater.
Objects may appear smaller than they actually are.
Don't pity me.
My rock bottom is still your wildest dreams.
Top that, motherfucker.
Martin Short, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, people on crack ask Marty,
"Hey, can you slow down just a bit?"
This is a banjo and...
[audience applauds]
Thank you.
There's a big difference between the banjo and the guitar.
The banjo has a round pot, it's called, with a skinhead stretched over the top
and it projects the sound outward,
and the guitar can get you laid.
You always have to tune.
It's very hard
to tune a stringed instrument in an environment like this
with the air conditioning and the heat of the lights..
It's kind of a... You know, a physics issue.
I could teach it to you, but it's probably...
It's pretty sophisticated.
Well, I'll give it a go. See, what happens is...
the photons...
come down and strike the protons
and that agitates the muons...
and the gluons
so that the moron can play.
You know, I was once asked...
"Steve, when your imagination goes dry,
how do you replenish your creative vessel?"
And I said, "Really, can you just finish the prostate exam?"
But I do write songs, and every once in a while, I'm asked,
"Steve, where do you get your ideas for songs?"
And I find the best ideas come in the silences.
The silence of a sunrise.
The silence of a sleeping baby.
The silence on a woman's face while making love to her.
Young inventive banjo players come up to me and say,
"Steve, how can I get my music out in front of people like you have?"
I always say the same thing. Two things. "One, be very creative.
Don't let anyone tell you how to write your music.
And two, already be famous."
I was raised in the '60s in the era of the protest song,
with Joan Baez and Pete Seeger and Bob Dylan.
And I always loved that music, but I never wrote a protest song in my life
until about three and a half years ago. This song just came to me
and I thought, "I must mean this. This has really come from my heart."
It's called "Let's Keep the Minimum Wage Right Where She's At."
I don't have anything. All right.
Here's...
Here's a medley of a couple of banjo songs I've written through the years.
[audience cheers, applauds in rhythm]
[audience cheers]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
The Steep Canyon Rangers, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
You know, I've been playing the banjo for over 50 years.
But...
I'm relatively new to playing live on stage with a band.
It's a discipline, and it takes some practice.
And I'll be honest with you. Some nights I come off stage
and think, "Wow, I played great tonight. Fantastic!"
Other nights I think, "I wish I'd played better."
So I went to check out this live performance thing
and I went to see Eric Clapton play live.
And I thought...
"He's not so funny."
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take a moment to recognize the band.
I guess. I don't know.
You know, Marty and I love this band, actually.
The Rangers have this beautiful tour bus, and it's really nice.
After each show, we all go out there and hang out.
And the instruments come out and a little wine, maybe.
We talk about how the show went, and it's kind of a beautiful thing.
It's a blast, obviously.
Sometimes there's tears. And I told Marty, I said,
"We're not gonna be doing this forever.
We gotta get a photo of the Rangers in their tour bus for our memory box."
We got a great picture. Can you show that?
Actually, I'm happy right now to have this time alone,
because I can talk about one of my favorite things
without my work wife in the way.
It's the parts of the banjo. People always ask me,
"Can you name the various parts of the banjo?" And I--
[Scottish piano music plays]
[imitates "Amazing Grace" as played by bagpipes"
That you laughed at that makes me very disappointed in you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, some of you may know I started out
as a magician and juggler, but what you may not know
is that I also started out as a ventriloquist,
and I'd like to show you some of those skills tonight.
Hello!
My little wooden-headed friend, Jiminy Glick.
-Hello! -Wow!
Isn't it wonderful to be here, Steve?
I love Greenville!
What a wonderful town. Look how sexy the audience is.
Jiminy!
[woofs]
Look at that lady.
I love the ladies, Steve.
And she's wearing a low-cut dress.
I wish my fingers were scissors
and I'd snip those straps and release the hostages.
Oh, Jiminy!
What a handsome man you are. Look at you!
Your teeth are so white.
Your smile is like an email from Grandma--
All caps.
Now, Jiminy, you hang out with the big celebrities.
Well, clearly this is my night off.
-You're one of the great critics of style. -Thank you.
So I thought we'd take a look at some photos of people in the news
and you can tell us whether you think they do or do not have style.
Oh, I think this is wonderful and fun-sounding.
-Let's take a look. -Let's take a look at our first picture.
Oh, Kim Kar... Well, she's a lovely girl, Steve. But you know,
she's not bright.
-Oh, that's not nice! -No, please.
She thinks soy milk is Spanish for "I am milk."
-Of course, I was at her wedding. -Ooh!
Oh, yes. Her dress was stunning. Kim wore white because, you know,
she can be ironic.
But let's see Kim without all that makeup.
There you go.
But you know what, Steve? You can't deny the lady has style.
She does. Who's next?
-Bernie Sanders. -Bernie Sanders.
Well, Bernie Sanders, everybody felt the bern.
But the reality was, he didn't have a chance to be president.
-That's terrible. Why? -Too old.
Oh, Steve, he's 76 years old.
At his age, the only time he doesn't have to pee
is when he's peeing.
And how did he find time to run for president
and then sit in the balcony and heckle the Muppets? It's a gift.
-But the man has style, yes. -OK. Who's next?
-The Queen. -The Queen.
[woofs]
-Oh, I'd like to mount her! -Jiminy!
-You know that she is 92 now, Steve? -Uh-huh?
For her birthday, Prince Charles gave her an engraved bracelet.
What did it say?
"Do not resuscitate."
-Next! -Who's next?
Jared and Ivanka. This is interesting, Jiminy.
Ivanka converted to Judaism when she married Jared.
Haven't the Jews suffered enough?
-But Jared is an interesting dude. -How?
-He likes surprise sex in the morning. -Yeah.
So he's gonna love prison.
Who's next?
Hillary Clinton. You know, she's the only woman
who can swear under oath that she never had sex with Bill Clinton.
Next!
Ted Cruz.
And I thought I had a stick up my ass.
Who's next?
Dave Letterman, our good friend.
I love Dave Letterman! Here's what I don't get.
Dave looks like that,
but you're the one who plays the banjo.
I wonder how long he waited before eating the other survivors?
-Next! -Let's move on.
Oh, my God, someone dehydrated Ann Coulter.
No, that's Kellyanne Conway.
Oh! I thought my string cheese had come to life.
Next!
-Kim Jong-un. -Kim Jong-un.
Gee, he looks like a bouncer in a lesbian bar, doesn't he?
Someone's making up for his short-range missile, I'll tell you that much.
Looks like someone put a wig on a Butterball turkey.
-The man has no style. -No style? OK.
-No style. -Who's next?
Oh! I had no idea David Spade was transitioning.
Next!
Oh!
Anderson Cooper looks terrible.
No, that's Mike Pence.
Oh, my! This guy is so white,
he makes you look like a member of the Wu-Tang Clan.
He won't have sex because he's afraid it will lead to dancing.
You know, Steve, that's his orgasm face.
It's the same thing.
Who's next? Oh!
Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Oh, I loved her as Mrs. Doubtfire.
She looks like the "before" person in an Imodium ad.
Do that again. Really, come on. Jeez!
She looks like the...
First of all, you're making me laugh.
Ah!
-Just pick me up! -Come on!
Yeah. Jeez!
-She looks like... -I don't know!
-Here. For God's sake, let me do it. -No, don't you do it.
Ready? She looks like the "before" person
in an Imodium ad.
-We should not have done it again. -I know.
-But you insisted. -Yeah.
How is she not named Bertha? I don't get it.
-Next! -OK. Who's next?
Uh-oh! Looks like the Keebler Elf ate the inventory.
That is Newt Gingrich.
Oh! Gee, I was getting confused with Susan Boyle.
I'd be hard-pressed to say
-that dude has style. -OK. Thank you, Jiminy.
Who's next?
What a brilliant idea by President Donald J. Trump.
He got Vladimir Putin riding the border, looking for Mexicans.
All right, Jiminy, I can't bear this any more.
But I have so much more to say!
That's what I'm afraid of. I'll let you stand on your own two feet.
This is a terrible mistake!
I'll walk. Maybe I'll start running.
Oh, boy!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of our show.
[audience] Aww.
Oh, don't worry. The show is far from over.
Your ticket allows you to load the sound equipment into the van after the show.
Let's bring back Marty, ladies and gentlemen. Here he comes.
Thank you!
Marty...
May I say I would not be here on stage tonight if not for you.
Thank you for driving.
And can I say that this audience
is the greatest audience that we have ever played.
-I think so. -You are so generous and fabulous.
We love you like family. Better than family!
-Let's toast them. -Let's give them a toast.
This is our favorite part of the show.
-Give them a toast, Steve. -To you, the wonderful audience
here in South Carolina. We've had a great time. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Spumante with two Sweet'N Lows. Just the way I like it.
And I'd like to thank my fabulous musical director,
the talented, the affable,
and somewhat limited Jeff Babko right there.
Thank you, Jeffrey!
And let's bring back the incredible Steep Canyon Rangers.
Yeah!
You know, Marty, it's the end of our time here in South Carolina
and I woke up this morning feeling a little sentimental.
And you know how I do like to write songs, that I get inspired once in a while,
and I wrote a little tune that kind of... celebrates our friendship.
-Oh, really? -Yeah. I wrote some lyrics
and I thought maybe we could do it tonight. Your lyrics are in black
and then I have mine in blue and I will teach you the melody.
Oh, don't worry about that, Steve. All your melodies sound the same.
You wrote this today?
I did, and I gotta say, you know, I...
had a few moments of emotionality, I thought.
My wife thinks Marty and I are too close, but we resolved that
by getting one of those beds with the adjustable Sleep Numbers.
It does work.
Oh, thank you.
What's that gotta mic?
I mean, I knew you were talented, but...
You said, "Top that, motherfucker."
OK.
-So you wrote this today? -I did.
-Well, I'm moved. -Listen to it once.
All right.
♪ Through the years you've made me grin ♪
♪ My funny and creative friend ♪
♪ You've set me up and made me laugh ♪
♪ You're a great comedian ♪
♪ You're so right You're so right ♪
♪ Oh, my buddy, you're so right ♪
♪ On the screen, you're the one ♪
♪ Like Chaplin or a Nicholson ♪
♪ I search for words To describe you best ♪
♪ I'll just settle for "genius" ♪
♪ Let's count the awards That you have won ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, five, six ♪
♪ None ♪
♪ Oh, my friend, you're such an ass ♪
♪ And I mean that in the sense of ass ♪
♪ A-S-S spelled with an O ♪
♪ So you're an ass with a hole ♪
♪ I am rubber, you are glue ♪
♪ Words bounce off me And stick to you ♪
♪ Our friendship has so long survived ♪
♪ It's lasted 30 years somehow ♪
♪ We are buddies to the end ♪
♪ Who thought the end would be ♪
♪ Right now? ♪
-My friend Steve Martin! -My friend Martin Short!
-Ta-da! -Thank you.
Thank you very much.
-Thank you! -Thank you!
I love this end the best.
-This is my end. -Thank you all.
Very nice. Thank you.
I love this end the best!
Thank you.
Good night.
Thank you very much.
Ta-da!
-Ta-da! -Thank you. Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Thank you so much.
Now...
Please be seated.
Now, we thought we were done.
But we went offstage and there was a lawyer from Netflix there,
telling us that we are obligated to do five more minutes.
Contractually.
So I guess this is our encore.
Now, I know there are varying ticket prices tonight
and it never seemed fair to me that people who paid less
should have the same encore experience...
as those who paid more. So if you did pay less, do the right thing--
Cover one eye or one ear. Hit it, guys.
♪ Five more minutes to fill ♪
♪ Five more minutes to kill ♪
♪ We had a lot of fun ♪
♪ We thought we were done ♪
♪ But our lawyers said an hour 51 ♪
♪ The audience wants to go home ♪
♪ Enough with the jerk and the gnome ♪
♪ Everything they said Made me wish I'd stayed in bed ♪
♪ But I'm glad I saw their show ♪
-♪ Before they're dead ♪ -♪ Dance, Steve! ♪
♪ We've certainly had a good time ♪
♪ Marty and Steve were so fine ♪
Oh, well...
♪ Let's get in the car ♪
♪ And find the nearest bar ♪
♪ And talk about that one funny line ♪
What?
Dance!
Take it home, Stevie!
♪ One more minute to fill ♪
♪ One more minute to kill ♪
♪ We had a lot of fun ♪
♪ We thought we were done ♪
♪ And Peace Center ♪
♪ You're the bestest theater ♪
♪ In the... ♪
[Jeff] Guys, that's five minutes.
-Good night. -Good night, everybody
Thank you.
Thank you, Steven.
Thank you.
Good night, guys.
Thank you all. Good night. You've been great!
Steve.
-Good night. -Good night. Bye-bye.