[theme song plays]
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca ♪ -♪ And Bertie ♪
[both vocalize]
[theme song ends]
[sighs]
♪ Best friend, best friend ♪
♪ Best friends with your-- ♪
-[gasps] -[tires screech]
[bleats]
[laughs]
[both bawl]
I missed you so much.
I missed you so much, I made Speckle talk like you.
-Hey! Whoo-hoo! -And he was really good at it.
So I got scared and told him to stop.
-Huh? -[goats bleat]
I missed you so much, I started a cult.
[gasps] A sex cult?
No, just a lot of yelling, some nudity,
and now that I'm thinking about it, probably some sex.
[chuckles] Sounds like Tuca.
Yeah, that's me. I always let shit get out of hand.
No! I didn't mean--
I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and--
-[honking] -What the--
[bleats]
Ugh!
[exhales]
Ugh. Don't worry about what I said. I'm an idiot.
I just need to drive in silence for a while and think.
-Is that okay? -Yeah. Whatever you want.
I can be quiet.
♪ I dream of kissing you ♪
♪ Maybe if you saw us kiss in my dreams ♪
-♪ You'd want to kiss me, too ♪ -♪ You'd want to kiss in a canoe ♪
[both vocalizing]
[both laugh]
[gasps]
[cats meow]
The Jelly Lakes! Isn't that where your family has a cabin?
Where the jelly's always fresh, and it's magically summer every day?
Yeah. I haven't gone up there in years.
-Perfect! Let's go there now! -Eh, it's getting late.
-And I don't want to. -[tires screech]
-Hey! -Asshole! [grumbles]
Fuck, shit, asshole, dick-face, shit, fuck, the "C" word!
It's "cunt," Bertie! Scream it loud, scream it proud!
I will kick your ass right now, you taint-faced little pigeon-licker!
-Whoa! -[tires screech]
[Tuca] Whoa, Bertie! Watch out!
[Bertie] Ah, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
[tires screech]
-Careful! -Hmph!
They might have a butterfly knife,
the most dangerous yet adorable type of knife!
[grumbles, grunts]
Oof! [huffs]
[snores]
[snoring continues]
-Ew! -I don't get it.
This mall used to be the most extreme place for teens to hang.
[rock music riff plays]
Yeesh.
-[grumbles] -Hey, hey, hey!
There's a Girl Thingz here!
[gasps] Girl Thingz?
[giggles]
Girl Thingz! Gender is binary.
Having fun in here?
Ugh! Mom! This is girl time!
Oh, sorry!
Girl Thingz. Moms just don't understand.
Did you girls want me to order pizza?
Get the fuck out, Mom!
[all] Girl Thingz!
[both cheer]
How does this look?
Stupid. I love it.
How does this look?
Ridiculous. You're buying it.
[gasps] Everything else is garbage compared to this!
Way ahead of you.
Amber, what are you doing here? Who's manning the Cineplex?
Ashley, who cares? Terrence.
Listen, we've been friends
-for three months... -[scoffs]
...and I don't want some stupid fight to come between us.
I miss you. I want to be your best friend again.
[Ashley] But you said I was irresponsible and needy.
[Amber] I just worry about you, and I want you to be okay,
even when I go off to theater camp.
[Ashley] I'm sorry. I love you.
[Amber] I love you, and I'm sorry. Hmm.
Don't turn around,
but those two old birds are, like, listening to everything we say.
-Ew! -Run!
Eep! Sorry, we're shoplifting!
I don't care!
[both laugh]
[train horn sounds]
[slurping]
And I didn't stop him. I didn't say anything.
Do you think Pastry Pete does this to everyone?
What, steaming women like they're his own plump little dumplings?
Ew.
-[plate shatters] -I'm so stupid.
I let myself be treated badly.
And then I let it happen to someone else! It was like the lamest déjà vu.
Déjà vus are supposed to be mysterious and cool!
Wait. Have we had this conversation before?
[echoing]
This isn't on you. This is on Pastry Pete.
I'm gonna kill him.
Wait, wait. First, I'm gonna wrap him in dough.
I'm gonna stab that dough
just to let him feel the heat when I cook him.
Then I'll eat him with a lot of unnecessary condiments.
Chefs hate that!
Because nothing will ever be as good as ketchup.
Look, Pastry Pete's an asshole,
but this is about me and how I freeze up all the time.
-[phone buzzing] -[muffled grunt]
[grunts] Hey.
[clears throat]
-[sighs] -[beeps]
Hey, baby. Yeah, I'm okay. I should have called, I'm sorry.
I left town with Tuca. I'm just going through some stuff.
I'll be home later tonight.
[chuckles] Yes, you can watch the new Nests of Netherfield.
Netherfield 2.
Step Up 2 the Nests.
[dance music playing]
Love you.
-[beeps] -[grumbles]
I feel so pent up and confused!
Well, you just invented pretzel confetti, so you should also feel proud.
[sighs]
Look! Bertie, it's the biker!
Where? Come on. Let's go!
[Bertie pants]
-[grunts] -Fuck, shit!
-[exclaims] [grunts] -Shit, shit, asshole, dick-face!
Huh.
[slurps]
[spitting]
Fucking mother-plucking seed sack!
Oh!
-Oh, no! -Leave her. She belongs to the mall now.
-No! -Sorry, Fran!
No! Tell my husband I never loved him.
No!
[Fran cries]
Hey! Hey!
[Bertie pants]
Hey, hog-head! You cut us off back there.
I could've had a baby on board!
We could be taking Bryson to urgent care right now!
-You don't know my life! -[baby cries]
[rock music plays]
-[gasps] -Roberta Songthrush?
Coach Maple?
Oh, please, you're an adult now. Call me Coach Meredith.
I could never. It's too weird!
Backtalk? That's 50 sit-ups, Songthrush!
Yes, Coach! [grunts]
Um, what is happening?
[panting] Coach Mered-aple
was my swim coach at Jelly Lakes Summer Camp.
And next-door neighbor.
I hope this means you're coming out to the cabin.
I wish we could, but we're supposed to get back to Bird Town tonight.
Oh, that's too bad. The lakes are so jiggly this time of year.
Come on, Bertie-Bertie!
[chants] Cabin! Cabin!
Six, seven... 49, 50-- Fine, we're going to the cabin!
Wonderful! You can follow me.
[sighs]
[engine starts]
[Coach Maple] Ka-kaw!
She is a reckless driver.
She could get it.
[laughs]
Ooh! It's so wooden and loggy!
[sighs]
Ooh.
[gasps]
You got a fish on a plaque?
Does it sing? It does now.
♪ I'm hooked on you, doo-wha, doo-wha ♪
[eyeball clattering]
[splashes]
Ooh, Bertie, we have to play one of these old-ass games.
Cock in the Pit!
Uh, that one's kind of long and strategical.
-Not the way I play it. Let's go! -[laughs] Okay!
"Welcome to Cock in the Pit,
the board game that captures the mechanical intricacies
of Bird War II fighter planes
for the women who weren't allowed near them.
Select a pair of wings."
Cute!
[Tuca snoring]
[phone buzzes]
[gulls squawk]
[footsteps approach]
[screams]
Ooh, sorry to spook you.
-Firewood? -[pants]
Hi.
Damn it. The one time I didn't fall asleep naked!
You girls have everything you need?
-We're fine. -What do you got?
-[whistles] -[bleats]
-You take milk? -Yes, please.
Wow, you have everything you need here.
Your cabin is straight out of a fairy tale,
a feminist one where Mother Goose is not defined by her ability to lay eggs!
Oh, thank you.
Where is Mr. Coach Maple?
Oh, he died 10 years ago. Sweet little ass.
This is my wife, Pat.
I married her for the green card. [laughs]
Just kidding. It was for love.
Yeah, she's a real cut-up. Huh.
Oh! I think we have one more thing you'd like to borrow.
[both] Whoo!
[both laugh]
Hey, hey!
-[engine revs] -[Bertie laughs]
Ka-kaw!
[both laugh]
That's the Marmalade Sandbar. Total party zone.
[all chant] Marmalade!
[Bertie] And that's Mint Jelly Beach. A little rich for my blood.
[woman screams]
Yikes.
-What's that? -Oh. [chuckles]
That's Peanut Butter Island.
What's it like? A little sweet, a little salty?
Stupid, probably. I don't know. I've never been there. Forget about it.
Why are you being weird about an island?
Uh...
Hey, look! It's those teens from the mall!
[teens laugh]
-[phone buzzes] -[grumbles]
Hey! Wanna race?
-Yeah. -[engine revs]
-[laughs] -[screams]
Oh, no! I'm sinking!
I'm too heavy with apps!
Why did you download so many a... [gurgles]
[grunts]
[muffled screams]
-[coughs] -[chuckles]
Oh, man! I'm sorry, but that was hilarious.
-You fell off so fast. Thwap! -[pants]
[gasps] [coughs]
Are you okay?
I don't swim, and I lost my phone. I want to go back to the cabin.
-Sorry, grandmas. Better luck never! -'Cause you're old!
We're 30!
Tell us what menopause is like!
[groans] It's a roller coaster!
That looked fun! [laughs]
Just kidding. It looked awful!
Dry off and come on over for dinner!
-I'm not in the mood. -Yeah, that would be wonderful!
-[grumbles] -Sorry!
"Dweeby Dude Bertie's Dating," "Dorky Bertie Crush,"
"The Lamest Guy Ever"?
-Which one of these numbers is Speckle's? -I don't think he's in there.
In a way, our relationship transcends mobile technology.
-[screams] -Welcome!
Bertie, come on outside and help me set the table.
Pat, it's time for dinner.
Are you back here?
-[bleats] -[exclaims]
-[Pat] It can wait. -[exclaims]
I'm almost finished with my egg. Okay, let me finish here.
Ooh!
[Pat] No, like that. Yeah, that's good.
Wow! You made this?
I fill the shells with the scenes from my life and dreams.
And I take it all very seriously.
[laughs] Just kidding.
I like jokes!
-You like yolks! -Yolks?
Like jokes! [laughs]
I like you!
Roberta, that's enough water, dear. [laughs]
Ugh, sorry!
I shouldn't have let you take out that jelly jet without a life preserver.
It's dangerous.
I'm fine. Let-- let's change the subject.
What was college like in the '70s?
Oh, you were always such a strong swimmer.
I still think of you as that fiery young song thrush
who was gonna swim all the way to Peanut Butter Island.
I should go get more water.
I've always wanted to ask you, what happened?
Why did you quit swimming?
Mm...
Let's change the subject.
I don't get why you use eggs. They break--
Oops! Too easily.
That's why I like them.
We think that cracked egg isn't good for much,
but broken things can become beautiful with a little patience.
-Can I make one? -Sure.
Now, the first step is the most painstaking.
-And you have to take-- -Ta-da! Finished!
[Tuca] Roar, roar!
[laughs]
Oh, great first try. We'll make another after dinner.
Nah, I'm good.
Oh, dear, I made a hundred eggs before I thought one was adequate.
I'm happy to teach you.
You'd do that? I'm not too good with focusing.
Well, nobody is at first. That's what practice is for.
-Can I show this to Bertie? -Of course!
-And tell her I made it? -No!
Hmm. There we go.
I just never understood why you dropped out.
-You loved the jelly! -[scoffs] I don't know.
-You ate your own surgically removed egg? -Gross, right?
-[laughs] -[goat bleats]
Kids, you just lose interest sometimes.
I didn't lose interest.
I wanted to do it. It's all I wanted to do.
Bertie, what's wrong?
No need to get upset.
-We all have regrets. -You don't know what you're talking about!
You have this perfect life on this lake. Well, I think this lake fucking stinks!
Uh... she's been cursing a lot lately.
And I've barely cursed at all. It's fucking weird.
Hey, the balance is back. Fuck yeah!
Oh, shit, now we off again. How the piss did this happen?
Crap-hole, dick-ass bitch! Oh, how do I stop this shit?
-Well, I don't know what happened. -I think they're in a fight.
Remember how we used to bicker? Romantic.
[giggles]
Just kidding! It was quite upsetting.
[girls laugh]
[Betrie sighs]
Bertie, are you okay?
I wish I could protect them.
From what? Wait. Are there giant crabs in this lake?
No. Uh, well, yes.
I mean from the world, from men.
Like Pastry Pete?
-What is that? -Pat made it. I think I wanna be her.
She makes cool things,
and she gets to make out with Coach Maple whenever she wants.
Um, it's pretty.
Tuca, I have to tell you something.
I'm here.
There's a reason I wasn't really into coming here.
I, um...
When I was a kid,
I trained all summer to swim on my own to Peanut Butter Island.
Coach Maple trained me in the mornings before camp.
I was so excited.
I went to the mall and bought this new swimsuit.
Bright red.
The day of the swim, I was at the dock really early,
before Coach Maple, even.
Our lifeguard was there every summer.
He said I was the best swimmer he'd seen at camp.
He said I was so good, he didn't believe I was just 12.
Well, that morning, he told me he really liked my new swimsuit.
He told me he wanted to show me something in the woods,
which I thought was weird, but he was an adult, so I followed him.
I trusted him. I thought I was special.
All I wanted was to swim to that island.
This was my favorite place.
[cries]
It's okay. You're so brave to tell me this.
If I'm so brave, why don't I go home and deal with my shit?
This is what dealing with your shit looks like.
You're taking back that island! That's Peanut Bertie Island!
You don't give up on everything, Tuca.
You never give up on me.
I guess there are some things I stick with.
You, a pizza, my sports bra. It's old, Bertie.
I know, Tuca. I know.
[yawns]
Bertie-ertie, I can't see you!
Wait! You're still not here!
Nope!
[gasps] It's Bertie!
-Peanut Bertie Island! -Huh?
She's swimming to it! Bertie! Bird-Jelly!
-Without a follow team? -Without breakfast?
Come on, birds. We gotta hustle! [grunts]
[bleats]
[grunts] Follow me.
-[Coach Maple grunts] -[Pat hums]
We're coming, Bertie! You got this! We believe in you!
[grunts] This... is... the... worst!
You think she's okay?
She's fine. She'll get a second wind.
And there it is.
I... I feel good!
[Bertie grunting]
-She is okay! -For now. It won't last.
-It's... not... lasting! -Whoa.
Don't look at me. Being right all the time is a burden.
Also, you'll need to hydrate soon.
Come on, Bertie! Just a little further.
[smacks lips]
Oh, you're good.
♪ You gotta stroke, stroke, stroke So you can float, float, float ♪
♪ 'Cause if you stop now You're gonna croak, croak-- ♪
[screams] Bertie! Ugh!
[groans] Swimming is terrible!
-[crab pincers click] -Ah!
Oh, no! An obstacle!
[both gasp]
Bertie!
-[grunts] -[bones crack]
[grunts]
[pants]
-[exclaims] -[roars]
The mother!
[yells]
[grunts]
[yells]
Bertie! Bertie!
[grunts]
[cries]
[chuckles]
[gasps]
[pants]
[grumbles angrily]
-There she is! -Oh, thank God.
Yes! Go, Bertie, go!
[pants]
[grunts] Take that!
[Bertie pants]
I did not teach her that.
She's amazing! I wish she were my daughter.
Hey!
Go, Grandma! Go!
Yeah! Go, Grandma! I mean, Bertie!
[pants]
[groans]
-[all cheer] -Yeah! You go, girl! You did it!
-Yeah! -[girl] Good job!
Sorry about your leg, Connie.
It's okay. You fought with honor.
Berticia, you're a queen. I'm so proud of you.
I've been so ashamed the last couple days, but right now, I feel strong.
You're not gonna feel that way tomorrow.
But don't worry. I have a foam roller. We'll roll you right out.
Tuca, I think I'm ready to go home now.
Okay, but can I make one more egg before we leave?
Mm-hmm.
Of course! Wonderful.
This is lovely. I should make an egg of this moment.
[laughs] Just kidding! I already did.
[all laugh]
That's funny.
Crab Thingz! Make your shell pretty!
[screams] Abby, what are you doing?
Crab Thingz. Eating smaller, weaker crabs!
Can I have a bite? [munches]
Get out, Mom!
[all] Crab Thingz!
[screams]
[barking, chittering]
[man] Boxer versus raptor, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!