1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,718
[theme song plays]
2
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:13,388
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
3
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:17,434
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
4
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,062
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie ♪
5
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:20,979
♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪
6
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:24,858
-♪ Tuca ♪
-♪ And Bertie ♪
7
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,777
[both vocalize]
8
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:40,374
[theme song ends]
9
00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:47,506
[stepping, clapping,
and popping gum in beat]
10
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:58,100
Tuca, can you stop kicking my seat?
11
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:01,395
Fine, but it's your fault
for giving me gum.
12
00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:05,482
Aw.
13
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,734
[stepping and clapping in beat]
14
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:14,741
So, why are we going to open houses today?
15
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:18,745
Because it's fun to lookie-loo
and pretend we're rich.
16
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,665
Plus, your aunt's house
got Speckle all horned up.
17
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:25,002
I get to nerd out about architecture
18
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,838
while Bertie fantasizes about
all the other lives we could be living.
19
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,214
It's fun to daydream,
20
00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:32,926
and then go home and binge on
interior design shows until I feel sick.
21
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:40,267
Well, this is what I get
for blindly following you out to the car.
22
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,727
Can you drop me off at the arcade?
23
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,646
Aw, just come with us.
It'll be fun.
24
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,941
Plus, sometimes open houses
have free cookies.
25
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:51,278
Damn it! Once again,
the siren call of delicious freebies
26
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:55,574
has driven me headfirst
into the jagged cliffs of boring bullshit.
27
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,414
Oh! This place is so nice and clean.
28
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,875
You guys wanna take bets
on how soon I get kicked out of here?
29
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,586
Actually, realtors are shockingly tolerant
of shenanigans.
30
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,881
Yeah, they don't really care what you do.
They just wanna make a sale.
31
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,341
Capitalists!
32
00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,092
-Like me!
-Check this out.
33
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:15,761
Welcome.
My name's Evelyn, and--
34
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:18,889
Good day! We are Beauregard
and Blenda Bartholomew.
35
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,642
Of the Bird Town Bartholomews.
36
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,894
We're so rich, it's sick.
37
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,604
[gasps] My favorite kind of rich.
38
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:28,231
And this is our au pair Beakles.
39
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,775
What up? I'm Beakles.
40
00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:33,737
I'm, uh, taking a gap year
from Foreign University.
41
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:37,407
[in indistinct accent]
Because I vinted to learn English.
42
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,910
Be so kind as to beguile us
43
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,205
with this bungalow's bewitching baths,
brilliant boudoirs...
44
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:46,583
And blissful bidets
for our blessed booty holes.
45
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,668
But of course.
46
00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:51,630
Your b-holes will adore
this Tuscan marble.
47
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,216
So, let's get into it.
48
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:56,426
What's a girl gotta do
to get some free cookies?
49
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,969
-I smell 'em.
-[chuckles]
50
00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,597
Actually, it's a little realtor secret.
51
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,975
-Mm-mmm. No, you shouldn't!
-[gags]
52
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,311
-Oh. Mmm.
-Disgusting!
53
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,146
-Oh.
-Ugh! Terrible!
54
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:09,731
Beakles, no!
55
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:12,109
Um, uh, could I have that spray back?
56
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:13,735
Nope.
57
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,487
["City On The Map" plays]
58
00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:18,699
♪ Lately, I been out my mind ♪
59
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:20,742
♪ But I'm fine ♪
60
00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:23,954
♪ In time, I'll be rap genius
They'll see me as young Einstein ♪
61
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,581
♪ I'll grind till I get signed
Name on the dotted line ♪
62
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:27,749
-Whoa!
-[gasps]
63
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,209
We're looking for buried treasure.
64
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,044
It increases property value.
65
00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:31,962
[laughs] Great.
66
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,590
Notice how easily the ground turns over
for digging, or gardening,
67
00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:38,135
or, in my case, an early grave.
68
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:42,097
♪ I just drop regret it
Now my credit started going up ♪
69
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,349
♪ I'm just showing' out by showin' up ♪
70
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,017
Ka-kaw!
71
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,520
Just measuring the scream space.
Looking good.
72
00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:52,524
Yes, these cabinets
have 65 percent scream retention.
73
00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:55,485
[screams]
74
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,988
Hello. I'm a rich, sexy astronaut,
75
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,365
and I have 35 percent down
in my space-bag.
76
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:02,117
Why should I buy this house? Go.
77
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,703
-[clock ticking]
-Um, school district, uh, backsplash,
78
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:08,957
breakfast nook, moon roof, spa tub,
uh, farmhouse sinks with Wi-Fi.
79
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,585
Hello, space?
Looks like I'm needed elsewhere.
80
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,420
Whoo! [laughs]
I'm so bad!
81
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:17,924
♪ Everywhere we go, I'll bring the city
Something it ain't never had before ♪
82
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,135
What kind of molding
would you say this is?
83
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:21,720
It's milled wood, I believe.
84
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,722
[laughs] Milled wood?
85
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,515
In this climate? [laughs]
86
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,435
Jeff, wow, uh... [chuckles]
that's a good one.
87
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,604
Uh, but spoiler alert, I'm an architect.
88
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:33,440
Milled wood!
Might as well be mildew wood.
89
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:39,321
As you can see,
this home has tremendous copper pipes.
90
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:42,491
[chuckles]
That was my toilet purse.
91
00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:43,742
Happens all the time.
92
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,619
This is my actual purse.
93
00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:47,287
No!
94
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:53,251
[sighs] So, this is a low-flow toilet
with a beautiful, leathery smell.
95
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:54,252
[toilet flushes]
96
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:59,049
I used to sleep here with my wife.
97
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:02,469
Okay, I'll unpack that later.
98
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:06,890
-[Tuca] Huh.
-[gasps] It's so cute!
99
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:09,810
-Great curb appeal.
-Yeah, not bad.
100
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:12,395
Oh, we're playing boring people now?
101
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,689
"Hi, nice door."
102
00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:18,318
-Ooh, it is a nice door!
-What?
103
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:20,529
Hmm.
104
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,031
Love these maple floors.
105
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,158
The vaulted ceilings!
106
00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:28,995
Perfect for a lobby trampoline
or foyer catapult.
107
00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,206
This could be the master bedroom.
108
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,792
This room could be a shared office.
109
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,669
I could learn to enjoy sharing.
110
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:39,297
This can be my craft room
where I'll make dolls by hand.
111
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,967
Speckle will say they're creepy,
but we'll ignore him.
112
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:45,762
Then, late one night, they'll come to life
and take their revenge!
113
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,889
And this is where they'll find our bodies.
114
00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:49,599
Hey, where'd y'all go?
115
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:55,438
Uh, maybe this sounds nuts,
but this place is actually perfect for us.
116
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,691
[Bertie] I was kinda thinking
the same thing.
117
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:58,608
Huh.
118
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:03,572
-This place is perfect for us.
-I was thinking the same thing.
119
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:04,489
Huh.
120
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:08,618
-This place is perfect for us.
-I was thinking the same thing.
121
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:09,578
Huh.
122
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:13,164
I just hope they let me have a sleepover
in the third bedroom.
123
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:14,124
Me, too.
124
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,961
Borkle and Squeaky
are my only friends. [laughs]
125
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,254
Ew!
126
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:23,133
What if we made an offer?
Is that crazy?
127
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,385
I mean, I love it. Why not?
128
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:26,678
Wait. What?
129
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,346
-Oh, good one, guys.
-[grunts]
130
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,891
You'd really have to have
your shit together to buy a house.
131
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,351
Well, Bertie and I have been
saving for a while.
132
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,104
What? I thought we were all poor together.
133
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,188
Wasn't that the plan?
134
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:40,567
We don't talk about money,
but we all assume we're in the same place.
135
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,694
Um, we both have jobs.
136
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,946
You make enough money at your law firm
to buy a house?
137
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:48,241
-Tuca, I'm not a law--
-But what about the apartment?
138
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:51,119
I mean, we were never going
to live there forever.
139
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:53,747
We always knew at some point
we'd grow up and move out.
140
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,334
Well, I need to leave immediately.
141
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:01,212
Not because I'm upset,
but because I also have my shit together.
142
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:05,342
In fact, I've been ignoring my shit
all day, goofing off with you two.
143
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,218
I really should get back to my shit
144
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:10,180
because, as adults know,
shit must be kept.
145
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,181
Good day!
146
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,183
Come on, third wheels. Let's go.
147
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,271
Uh, we kind of have a thing here.
148
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,321
-Tuca--
-[Speckle] Hey, Bertie!
149
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:29,866
Come look at this pantry.
It's got a Lazy Susan and a Lively Linda.
150
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:34,037
-[woman giggles]
-Ooh! What kind of paradise is this?
151
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:42,629
Ew!
152
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,215
Mm-mmm.
153
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:46,883
Ugh!
154
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:49,010
Oh!
155
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,640
What? Where am I?
156
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,350
You're in the hood.
157
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,936
The adulthood.
158
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,610
Ah!
159
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,243
Hello!
[exclaims]
160
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,955
Are you here for our "buy 40,
get one free" goldfish sale?
161
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:17,872
Nah.
162
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:21,376
How about our "buy one, get 40 free"
goldfish sale? [laughs]
163
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,836
Not today, dude.
164
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,338
[laughing]
We have a lot of goldfish!
165
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,427
I'm actually here to make
a high-commitment purchase.
166
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,469
A "forever friend."
167
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,054
Oh. Fuck, yeah!
168
00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:35,724
Let me show you
our longer-lifespan animals.
169
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,183
-[cat meows]
-No.
170
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,435
-[dog barks]
-No!
171
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,477
-[pig grunts]
-Maybe.
172
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,604
[jaguar growls]
173
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:42,647
Yes!
174
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:50,488
Once your loan is approved, you'll be
one step closer to home ownership.
175
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:51,656
-Great.
-Thank you.
176
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,659
There are just a few more things
we need to go over.
177
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,911
-[gasps]
-I assume the two of you are married.
178
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,204
Actually, no.
179
00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:01,875
Maybe someday, but right now, the thought
of planning a wedding is like, bleh!
180
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:05,045
Someone put me in a corset
and pull it tight until my lungs explode.
181
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:10,341
I see. The paperwork for you
will be a bit more complicated.
182
00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,760
-Aah!
-Wow.
183
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:15,263
Your co-ownership agreement
should answer questions like, mm...
184
00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:18,892
"What happens to the property
if, uh, one of you drops dead?"
185
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:19,809
Dying?
186
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,478
[laughs] Who's dying?
187
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,439
All of us, from the moment we're born.
188
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,608
Wow. True.
189
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,943
Thirty years? Fixed?
190
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:32,197
[banker] If both of you are killed,
your house will go to your murderer.
191
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,865
And if your murderer gets murdered,
192
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,658
-your house goes to the bank.
-[Bertie] What?
193
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,953
[banker] Now let's get into what happens
if neither of you get murdered,
194
00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:43,416
and both of you live together
in this house for a very long time.
195
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,713
Great. Listen,
our credit scores are excellent,
196
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,548
and we have savings for a down payment.
197
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,675
Bertie and I are committed
to this process.
198
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,552
-Right, Bertie?
-Yep.
199
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,763
I like you two.
200
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,056
You're prepared.
201
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:01,851
A lot of young people get caught up
in the fantasy of buying a house
202
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,855
and aren't prepared to do the work,
financially, psychologically,
203
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,315
or sexually.
204
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:10,443
Good thing that's not us.
[laughs uncomfortably]
205
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:16,908
All this talk about mortgages,
and 30 years, and early death...
206
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,536
-It's a lot, don't you think?
-No way.
207
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,204
Just because our loan is 30 years
208
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,748
doesn't mean we need
to live in the house for that long.
209
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,416
Oh, okay. [chuckles]
210
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,127
This is just a starter house.
211
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,754
After five to seven years,
we can upgrade to another home
212
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:33,007
or build our dream home from scratch.
213
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:36,678
We've got years and years
to explore all the possibilities.
214
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,763
But I hate possibilities.
215
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:42,267
If a restaurant has too many options,
I end up ordering napkins.
216
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:46,146
-[jaguar roars]
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, girl!
217
00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:47,730
[pants]
218
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:49,315
[roars]
219
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,860
♪ Ridin' around town
On my motherfucking jaguar ♪
220
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:52,819
[cars honking]
221
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,529
♪ On my motherfucking jaguar ♪
222
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:55,989
[jaguar roars]
223
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,868
-[people scream]
-[jaguar roars]
224
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,582
A little for you, mm, but more for me.
225
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:08,835
-[timer dings]
-And right on time.
226
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:13,131
Bertie, make room on the counter
for these hot trays.
227
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,467
-Eep!
-Okay, Bertie, ready to plate.
228
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:20,096
[laughs nervously]
These are hot little suckers, aren't they?
229
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,347
-Hi, Bertie!
-[gasps]
230
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:22,932
It's me, Speckle.
231
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,018
Uh, is this sanitary?
232
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:26,311
Open your mouth, Bertie.
233
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,478
Wha--
[gags]
234
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:30,315
[gags]
Health code violation!
235
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:34,235
-Wow, that was a deep nap you were having.
-Bla--
236
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,654
[sighs]
237
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:37,739
Hope I didn't bother you.
238
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,532
Uh, I got so excited
about that little house,
239
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,659
I started sketching some ideas for it.
240
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,620
Wanna see? Bertie?
241
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,538
Yeah, house. Cute house.
242
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:46,623
Check this out.
243
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,626
-Whoo!
-What? [screams]
244
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,379
-Wow!
-Check out the backyard.
245
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:57,091
See, if we remove the bushes here,
and we expand the patio here...
246
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:59,719
-Eek!
-...we can build a deck with a fire pit.
247
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:02,013
-[gasps]
-We'll use it once to impress our friends,
248
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:04,307
and then, it'll be purely ornamental.
249
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:09,145
-My own garden.
-[Speckle] We'd have so much space here.
250
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,106
One of the benefits
of living farther from the city.
251
00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:14,067
Oh, that's right.
252
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:18,071
This house is a little farther out.
I'll have to take the train to work.
253
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,866
And probably sit next to a dude
eating the world's smelliest egg salad.
254
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:26,496
But just think about how you'll be helping
the environment.
255
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:30,708
Mmm, but the more I think about it,
didn't that kitchen look small to you?
256
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:33,253
-[screams]
-Nah, that's an easy fix.
257
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,546
With all of the renovations
I've planned...
258
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:39,175
Mmm... I keep thinking about Tuca.
259
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:42,553
We can't just move out and abandon her.
She needs me.
260
00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,764
None of her bills are set up
for automatic payment.
261
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,849
She's welcome to visit anytime.
262
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,726
Look, I made her a sweet tire swing.
263
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:49,894
Hey!
264
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,980
-[electricity buzzes]
-Huh.
265
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:52,939
What?
266
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,732
[distorted electronic music plays]
267
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:55,650
Uh...
268
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:56,651
No!
269
00:12:58,611 --> 00:12:59,529
[screams]
270
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,032
Sweetie, could you help me
change my diaper?
271
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:03,950
[passes gas]
272
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:07,287
Because for some reason,
this is how you picture old age.
273
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:10,123
Oh! Where did Tuca go?
274
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,793
Oh, you haven't spoken to her
since we signed our mortgage...
275
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,878
five years ago.
276
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:21,801
I love that you care about Tuca,
but she's resourceful and resilient.
277
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,428
She'll be fine if we move out.
278
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:27,015
You'd be so cute in a little house.
279
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:30,059
Ah! I just want
to live with you forever! Aah!
280
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:34,230
You keep saying "forever,"
when statistically, men die at 70.
281
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,899
What am I supposed to do
until I drop dead at 109,
282
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,901
after finally trying cocaine
for the first time?
283
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:43,364
Aw. You'd make such a cute, old widow!
284
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,700
Man, I love addressing
all of your concerns.
285
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,285
Boom! Problem solving.
286
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,953
-But you're not listening.
-[phone buzzes]
287
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:52,290
Oh! That's the realtor right now.
Exciting!
288
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,209
Hi, uh, Rebecca.
Did they receive our offer?
289
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:59,005
Uh, how high should we go if they counter?
290
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,923
Mm-hmm. Okay.
291
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,343
Hey, I-- I got to run to the bakery.
I'll see you later.
292
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,677
Okay, bye, sweetie.
293
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,721
I'll let you know right away
if I hear any news.
294
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,434
[passes gas]
295
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:17,982
As you can see, this jaguar and I
are two adults with our shit together.
296
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:21,152
And as such, we would like you
to do our money.
297
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:22,236
[growls]
298
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,614
Great. Joint checking account it is.
299
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:28,826
Hmm... [clicks tongue]
Okay, under "account owner,"
300
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:31,371
-I see you listed "jaguar."
-That's correct.
301
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:34,290
And under "occupation"
for said account owner,
302
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,084
-you listed "jaguar."
-That's correct.
303
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,587
Mm-hmm.
And for "jaguar," you listed "jaguar."
304
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:43,257
Wait, did you cross out "income"
and write in "jaguar"?
305
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:44,425
That's correct.
306
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,804
-This all seems to check out.
-Thank you. Good day.
307
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:51,724
♪ Gettin' a joint account
With my motherfucking jaguar ♪
308
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,935
♪ My motherfucking jaguar ♪
309
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:57,730
♪ Gettin' a joint account
With my motherfucking jaguar ♪
310
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,568
A little for you, mm, but more for me.
311
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,279
-[timer dings]
-And right on time.
312
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:09,742
Bertie, make room on the counter
for these hot trays.
313
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:13,371
Oh, no, this shit
looks exactly like my dream!
314
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,623
Okay, Bertie.
[exhales] Calm down.
315
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:16,707
This is real life.
316
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,876
Nothing sexual is happening.
317
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,212
This dough is too wet.
318
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:25,508
Got to keep pounding it
until it firms up, and stiffens...
319
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,427
[grunting]
...and gets hard.
320
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,804
Great! Now it's sexual!
321
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,097
Bad brain! Bad brain!
322
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,598
Why do I always do this?
323
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:33,975
Because you're horny. [laughs]
324
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,561
Shut up, hypothalamus,
you dirty lobe-humper.
325
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:37,812
Suck my cerebrum!
326
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:39,856
Figure this out, you two.
327
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:42,567
Oh, jeez.
328
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:45,027
He's got the body
of a tenure track professor,
329
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,155
but the arms of an adjunct.
330
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:50,158
What's going on with you?
You seem, uh, jittery.
331
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:51,909
Shit. He's onto us. Act normal.
332
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,748
-'Sup?
-[phone buzzes]
333
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,669
[laughs] Uh, my boyfriend
and I might be buying a house.
334
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,463
But I don't know.
It's all happening so fast.
335
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:05,423
Ah. Can't say I recommend it.
336
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,593
Buying a house with my ex-wife
was a disaster.
337
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:09,844
-[laughs]
-[laughs awkwardly]
338
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,554
-[laughing]
-[alarm ringing]
339
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,265
Yep, too far from the city,
the kitchen was tiny.
340
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,726
And the fire pit? Purely ornamental.
341
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,686
-Huh.
-[phone buzzes]
342
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,317
-[beeps]
-[Speckle] Uh, hey, honey.
343
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,736
Uh, I know I said we'd have time,
344
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,280
but another offer has come in
for the house.
345
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,158
We need to move fast
and make a counteroffer.
346
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,702
Ah! This is all too much!
347
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,914
[grunts]
348
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,707
[dings]
349
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:42,877
[Bertie]
I'm completely normal.
350
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,588
My dreams aren't weird,
and I don't have any fears of commitment.
351
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,757
I'm fine! [chuckles]
Completely fine.
352
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,551
I'm doing a normal amount of work
at a reasonable speed.
353
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,471
You know what would be fun
at a reasonable speed?
354
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,388
Don't you dare.
355
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,556
[grunting]
356
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,433
[exclaims]
Focus!
357
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,894
I'm the picture of productivity,
358
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,605
a role model for future generations,
a beacon.
359
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,148
[Pete]
Bertie, are you in there?
360
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,611
-Your pain au chocolat is vibrating.
-[buzzes]
361
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,613
Thanks! Oh, I mean, sorry.
362
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:14,158
[sighs] You put your phone
inside the dough instead of chocolate.
363
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:15,826
Typical rookie mistake.
364
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:17,995
-Oh, no!
-[glass shatters]
365
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:20,373
All these voicemails from Speckle
and one...
366
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:21,958
from my own phone?
367
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,253
-[beeps]
-Hi, Bertie. It's me, your phone.
368
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,256
I'm getting really hot. [cries]
369
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,382
I'm sorry, phone.
370
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:30,967
I made a bake mistake.
371
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,093
No problem.
372
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,971
Cooling off now. Bye!
373
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,222
[buzzes]
374
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,392
-[exhales]
-[beeps]
375
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,562
[Speckle] Hey, uh, I realize this is all
happening much faster than we thought.
376
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,648
So, um, call me back
so we can talk about it, okay?
377
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,233
-[buzzes]
-[Speckle] Me again.
378
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,944
Wait. Oh, shit, did I hang up? Ugh!
379
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,529
-[buzzes]
-Hey, uh, sorry.
380
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,447
I-- I wasn't sure
if I had hung up properly
381
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,616
or if the voicemail was still recording.
382
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,077
Anyway, Rebecca thinks
we should make an offer now,
383
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,539
but I can't do that without you,
so get back to me.
384
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,416
We're still in the running
for this thing.
385
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,793
[Speckle] Hey, what was the name
of that movie we watched
386
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,211
where the young bird was abducted?
387
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,839
It's driving me crazy
that I can't remember it.
388
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:10,756
[buzzes]
389
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,675
[Speckle]
It was called Young Bird Abducted.
390
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,051
Okay. Call me back.
391
00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:15,094
[buzzes]
392
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,555
[Speckle]
Hey, Bertie. We lost the house.
393
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:22,059
-[phone buzzes]
-[Speckle] Hey, uh, please call me.
394
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,228
It's so weird
that you're not answering your phone.
395
00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:26,147
Um, I'm worried about you.
396
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,239
[grumbles]
397
00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,995
Tuca? I need to talk to you.
398
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,122
-[exclaims]
-[roars]
399
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:44,123
[screams]
400
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,542
-So, this is my new pet, Jaggy.
-[growls]
401
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,210
Took me hours to come up with that name.
402
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:51,714
Tuca, you got a jaguar?
Are you crazy?
403
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,258
That's a huge and dangerous commitment!
404
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,135
You and Speckle are making
a big commitment.
405
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:58,638
Buying a jaguar is just the Tuca version
of buying a house.
406
00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:00,014
[roars]
407
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,851
-[objects shatter]
-Actually, we aren't buying anything.
408
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,978
-So, you aren't leaving?
-Nope.
409
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,313
-[roars]
-[objects shatter]
410
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:10,399
I don't know why I thought
we'd be ready to own a house together.
411
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,152
I'm officially the worst
at being in a relationship.
412
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,445
What makes you say that?
413
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:19,492
I maybe have a weird crush
on Pastry Pete. [groans]
414
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,369
-[Jaggy growls]
-I'm a terrible bird!
415
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:23,037
Oh, girl, you nasty.
416
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,872
[snarls]
417
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:30,336
Ugh! I had a sex dream
with lots of really beautiful pastries.
418
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,963
And sometimes, I think about him.
419
00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:35,549
But as long as you don't act on them,
weird crushes are cool.
420
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,009
Your brain is a free zone.
421
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:41,013
Aw, yeah! Imaginary fucking.
422
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,848
Oh, man, really?
423
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:44,975
[exhales]
I feel so guilty about this.
424
00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:48,187
I got, like, a billion weird crushes
going on at a time.
425
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,773
In my head, I'm married
to three random strangers,
426
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,650
I'm having an affair with six others,
427
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:56,404
and I'm terrified that the whole thing
is gonna come crashing down on me.
428
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,322
[all gasp]
429
00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,282
But it doesn't matter
'cause it's all in my head.
430
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,784
No big deal. Nothing's ruined.
431
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,913
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-[all cheer]
432
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:09,959
-Huh.
-[Jaggy roars]
433
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,546
Aw, shit!
434
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,089
This jaguar is ruining my shit!
435
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,467
-Damn it, jaguar!
-[Jaggy growls]
436
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,469
She's just mad
'cause I spent all of the money
437
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,721
in our joint checking account.
438
00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:22,930
[growls]
439
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:25,349
But I needed all those novelty socks.
440
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,017
[laughs]
441
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,144
-[snarls]
-[gasps]
442
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,478
[phone buzzes]
443
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,063
-[man] Delivery!
-Come on up.
444
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,357
You ordered food during all this?
445
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,652
Hello. I have 16 orders
of meat dumplings and--
446
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,988
[man screams]
447
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,322
My beautiful beak!
448
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:43,159
Now I'll never be an actor
with humble beginnings!
449
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:47,121
[screams] Now, my face
is just a mush with holes in it!
450
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,832
[screams]
My mush!
451
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,792
No! My holes!
452
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,461
Ugh! You're right, Bertie.
453
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,004
This pet is too much for me.
454
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:01,510
-[Speckle] Bertie, are you up there?
-Uh-oh.
455
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:03,304
-[Jaggy growls]
-[man screams]
456
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,097
-[man] Why? Why?
-Hey, is that a jaguar?
457
00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:07,099
Speckle, watch out!
458
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,438
Jaguar, stop!
459
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:15,107
Be still.
460
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,985
Also, if you maul that guy any more,
he's gonna die.
461
00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:18,944
[man] Thanks, buddy.
462
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,489
Damn. Good one, Speckle.
463
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,991
Ugh. Hmm...
464
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,786
Hmm! Sweet and sour sauce.
465
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:29,914
Come now.
466
00:21:31,165 --> 00:21:32,374
-Whoa.
-Wow.
467
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,293
That's cool. You can keep her.
468
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:35,836
Consider it a neighborly gift.
469
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,381
She just needs 16 orders of meat dumplings
every two hours.
470
00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:42,510
-Sorry about all this, buddy.
-No problem!
471
00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,511
Five stars, right?
472
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:45,596
Eh, four stars.
473
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:48,140
-You're a little late.
-Aw, shucks.
474
00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:58,234
Speckle, how did you tame that jaguar?
475
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:01,028
I don't know.
I just didn't want it to hurt you or me.
476
00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:03,030
Mostly me, because I'm mad at you.
477
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,991
I'm so sorry I didn't answer your calls.
478
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:08,869
That "30-year fixed" stuff
scared the shit out of me.
479
00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:10,538
All you had to do was tell me.
480
00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:12,164
I know. I tried.
481
00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:14,750
But you were like a runaway train
with this house.
482
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,336
How are you so sure
that this is going to work out?
483
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:18,546
I don't really question it.
484
00:22:18,629 --> 00:22:21,382
I know that I want you now,
and that's enough.
485
00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:23,551
Mm, it's silly, but for me,
486
00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:26,929
sometimes making a big decision
feels like closing a door.
487
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:27,847
That's okay.
488
00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:29,849
We can slow down
and take it step by step.
489
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,393
Also, I'm gonna look really hot
in 30 years.
490
00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:33,894
[chuckles]
491
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:36,564
♪ Third wheel, third wheel
Cookin' some food ♪
492
00:22:36,647 --> 00:22:40,109
♪ Third wheel, third wheel
Gonna taste good! ♪
493
00:22:40,651 --> 00:22:41,777
Cookie omelet, anyone?
494
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,363
Speckle, I'm sorry we lost that house.
495
00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:46,574
Eh. There's always more houses.
496
00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:48,409
I just really liked that one.
497
00:22:48,492 --> 00:22:52,204
-Well, what about this place?
-Hmm?
498
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:56,083
I mean, have you seen this open house yet?
499
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:58,752
Because this place is a dream!
500
00:22:59,670 --> 00:23:02,339
Look at this somewhat spacious kitchen
501
00:23:02,423 --> 00:23:06,760
with its... state-of-the-art cabinets
that open and close.
502
00:23:06,844 --> 00:23:08,804
Except for this one, because it's jammed.
503
00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:11,056
Mm, that is a great feature.
504
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:14,476
And think of all the time you'll save
not watching a fireplace
505
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,812
because there isn't a fireplace.
506
00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:18,772
[laughs]
Oh, perfect!
507
00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:23,527
Also, this place comes complete
with one non-standard toucan.
508
00:23:23,611 --> 00:23:24,820
[fanfare]
509
00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:25,738
Standard.
510
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:30,159
Consider me a built-in
entertainment center with no off switch.
511
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:31,577
Consider me impressed.
512
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:34,079
And get a load of this powerful toilet.
513
00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:39,084
Ugh. The pipes in this building are trash.
Y'all should think about moving.
514
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:41,170
[all laugh]
515
00:23:46,467 --> 00:23:47,635
Oh, Tuca.
516
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:51,180
[screams]
517
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:55,100
No, no, no!
All of these actors are too handsome!
518
00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:56,852
Well, I don't know
what you're looking for.
519
00:23:56,936 --> 00:24:00,189
I keep telling you
the character's name is Mush Face.
520
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:03,817
-I need a man with a mushy face.
-I don't know what that means.
521
00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:04,735
[knocking on door]
522
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,487
Dumpling delivery?
523
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:07,988
[both gasp]
524
00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:10,199
["All In (No Niin)"
by Panik Disco feat. Artymove plays]
525
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:11,575
♪ Big bossy
Ja sä valit set sen ♪
526
00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:12,701
♪ Win-win, no loss ♪
527
00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:14,912
♪ Enjoy the moment while it lasts
Like a bubbly-bubble ♪
528
00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:16,580
♪ Let go of tomorrow and the past ♪
529
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:18,374
♪ Soak in it, own it
Nautti indulge ♪
530
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:20,417
♪ Savor it, zone it
Päästä let go ♪
531
00:24:20,501 --> 00:24:22,127
♪ Mikä jut tu
Mikä blow ♪
532
00:24:22,211 --> 00:24:24,129
♪ You'd have to say it out loud
Before you know ♪
533
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,048
♪ I just wanna keep it real
Hauskaa ♪
534
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:27,967
♪ Living my life without vaivaa ♪
535
00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:30,052
♪ Reaching up, up, up
For the taivaa ♪
536
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:31,720
♪ Kohti taivaa
Ei mitään vaivaa ♪
537
00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:33,222
♪ Sure, I got my share of ongelmia ♪
538
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:35,015
♪ You know as well as I
They are tervetuloa ♪
539
00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:37,101
♪ 'Cause I trip, grab it
Up again and at it ♪
540
00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:39,311
♪ Till I grow like a flower
through the asphalt ♪
541
00:24:39,395 --> 00:24:40,938
♪ Feed the fire in your heart ♪
542
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:43,023
♪ No niin! No niin! ♪
543
00:24:43,107 --> 00:24:44,441
♪ Seize the moment that you want ♪
544
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:46,443
♪ No niin! No niin! ♪
545
00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:48,445
♪ Set in motion what you got ♪
546
00:24:50,197 --> 00:24:52,992
[announcer] And now,
please welcome to the stage,
547
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:55,244
guy who stepped on gum!
548
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:57,746
-[crowd cheering]
-[steps in beat]
549
00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:08,257
[barking, chittering]
550
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:11,468
[man] Boxer versus raptor,
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!