♪ ♪
- [grumbles]
You would make a great addition
to Pirate World Park, Chief.
Your record is impressive.
- Thank you, Mr. Drake. - No, Frank.
- Thank you, Frederick.
- Just Frank. - Thank you, Frank.
- Terry, we've got a state-of-the-art fire station,
ample compensation, competitive benefits
and your family gets in for free.
- [pirate voice] That's quite a booty.
- Good one. We try to leave the pirate stuff at the gate.
- Sorry, I just thought because of the eyepatch.
- My brother shot me with a BB gun
when I was 12 years old.
- Oh, sorry to hear that.
- It's okay. You didn't know.
Things are pretty calm here.
We haven't had a real fire since NSYNC
rolled in a few years ago.
It's mostly medical calls.
- Ooh.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Um, Well, Mr. Drake.
- Frank. - Frank.
I've been with the Tacoma Fire Department
for so long it's hard to imagine ever leaving.
- I get it. You drive a very hard--
Terry, you--
Can I--you drive a very hard bargain, Terry.
So what do you say to this?
- Whoa. [laughs]
I would say you just made my decision a lot
[pirate voice] harder.
- Why would you do it again?
- Sorry.
Can I keep this?
[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ ♪
- Okay. 32nd time's a charm. Let's do this.
- This better work soon. Three more firehouses
have posted their "Put Out the Fire" challenge videos.
- Let's show these Rube Goldberg rubes
how to do it. - Yeah, Granny!
Start it up.
- I have a good feeling about this.
- Whoa! - Okay.
- There it is. [laughter]
- Come on. - Whoo!
- Here we go. - Go!
- Okay, there we go. Yeah.
- Yes! - Ohh!
[chatter]
all: Ohh!
Aww! - Come on!
- Fuckin' shitidy prickedy shit.
- Hey. - It has to light
for the extinguisher to put it out.
- Why can't we get a match to light?
- Who's lighting matches? - Nobody.
It's harder than you'd think.
- Hey, what's with the suit, chief?
You driving limos on the side? - Oh, uh, Christening.
What's all this? - Stations everywhere are doing
Rube Goldberg videos on Boi-oi-oing.
- Eh, sounds great. Captain, can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah. [all speaking at once]
- Look out. Ahh, ahh.
- It's like a Godzilla accountant.
- Yeah.
- Christening, huh? Good one. - [laughs]
- So how'd it go?
- They made me an offer.
Chief of the Fire Department of Pirate World Park.
- Ooh!
Did you make the booty joke?
- Eh, didn't go over. - Arr!
- It's a sweet gig. With my pension capped here
and all the money they're offering me--
- Terry, we don't do this job for the money.
We can do this job because our dads made us.
- I've been doing this job for 25 years.
- Yeah, but you can't leave this. We have fun.
- They have fun there, too. It's called an amusement park.
- Ooh, good one.
So what'd they say when you turned 'em down?
- I didn't turn them down.
- Ahh. [laughs]
Okay. You took the job.
Seriously, what'd they say when you turned them down?
- I didn't turn 'em down.
- [chuckles]
Are you being serious? - I'm being serious.
- You traitor. You're leaving?
- I accepted the job. - You can't leave.
This is what we do. - Of course,
you will be replacing me
as the chief of the station.
- And I wish you good luck in your new job.
- Here you go. [sighs]
- Wow. Hmm. That's big.
- I'm gonna miss this place.
I don't even know how I'm gonna extract myself.
I got all this one-of-a-kind memorabilia,
invaluable photos, a priceless baseball card collection.
- Oh, and don't forget about your methane-soaked chair.
- It's coming with me.
Which reminds me, I have something for you.
- You're giving me a gift? - Yeah.
- Are you gonna bequeath me something?
- Yeah. - Okay, I'm standing.
- You could, if you want.
- Oh, man. The secret door.
- Now, I've been keeping this from you
because you're just a lowly captain.
- Mm. Now what could possibly
be in there that I haven't seen?
I combed that. - You'll see.
Some things you just miss.
- Ooh, I knew it!
A secret door inside a secret door.
What do you keep in there? Chief's Slush Fund?
Hulu password? A gun? You have a gun in there?
- The Station 24 Book of Knowledge.
- Hm. - Every chief since the station
began has added his wisdom to it.
It's full of all the hacks and shortcuts you'll ever need.
- Like what kind of hacks?
How to make a pastrami sandwich?
- [laughs] You'll see.
- Ah. - I've got so many years
of history in this place.
Am I really ready to leave?
Are you ready for me to leave?
Oh, you already left
- [sighs]
[laughs]
Station 24 Book of Knowledge.
How to sabotage a policeman's horse.
Step one: tie the beast's legs together.
Unbelievable. Hose euphemisms.
"The wet snake."
Oh, my God, this is fantastic.
How to get the stain out of a white shirt.
Terry McConky has never seen this page.
[sighs]
This book is a wealth of irreplaceable material.
It would be a shame if something happened to it.
[sighs] I did it, Dad.
Chief Eddie Penisi Junior.
[sighs] Wow.
It's really happening.
I'm gonna make you proud, Poppy.
- Ooh, I like your new sign. - Oh, yeah.
That's for school visits. Safety first.
Maybe that's why we can't light a fire in the station.
We're just too good at our jobs.
[both laugh] - You know, this whole place
is like one big fireproof safe.
That's why I keep my valuables here.
- You have valuables? - I've been saving
every cash tip from my dancing over the past four years.
It's all here, Granny. - Huh. Where do you keep 'em?
- Somewhere safe and hidden here in the station.
- But does the IRS know about it?
- Ahh, the IRS doesn't tax gross income
and they consider exotic dancing to be gross.
Loophole. [laughs]
- I think you need to stop taking tax advice
from your club bouncer.
- Wrong and wrong. [laughs]
- Don't tell my mom, but I actually
keep my great granny Celeste Penisi's jewelry here.
both: Ohh. - It's the only way
I can keep my sister's grubby hands off it.
- Granny, you keep any valuables here?
- Oh yeah, my puppets.
Man, I love them like they're my children.
- Remember when you almost murdered that kid Hunter
for lighting them on fire? - Ohh.
- Damn right.
Nobody messes with my puppets.
I don't know what I would do if something happened to them.
- I keep valuables here, too.
The novel I finally finished, and I wrote it by hand.
Should probably scan into a computer.
- Oh, yeah. - And my Grandpa Myawani's
ashes, I keep them here in a jar.
- Why here? - He had a terrible fear
of fire. - He was afraid of fire
and you had him cremated? - No, he fell
into an incinerator.
Cremation was just one of the consequences.
- Damn, that's awful.
- I think his soul feels safer here
knowing he'll never burn again.
- Yeah. Okay.
Mousetrap is ready. - Yeah!
- Whoo! - All right. Here we go.
[alarm blaring] - Engine 24, Rescue 42
respond to the box.
Priority one with ladder three.
Engine 19, squad five--
- Call my dad? - Yeah.
I thought he'd matched the offer.
He said good luck, and don't get scurvy.
- That sounds like him. So it's really happening, huh?
This could be our last call together.
Hope it's a good one. - Me too.
With my luck, it'll probably be a false alarm.
[siren wailing]
♪ ♪
- Surprise, surprise. False alarm.
Some hammerhead thought it would be a good idea
to use the sprinkler as a coat hanger.
- It was a clothes call.
[laughter] - Good one.
Warrington Avenue command to dispatch,
we've got a false alarm.
Accidental sprinkler activation.
Return all incoming companies. I told you false alarm.
- I have to save my yoga pants!
- Oh, miss--
- I'll never understand these idiots
who run into a fire to save their possessions.
- Yeah. And then we have to run into fire to save those idiots.
Who dry cleans their yoga pants?
- Yeah.
- Dispatch to Warrington Avenue,
command are you available to respond on a box?
- Command on dispatch
we're picking up here should be available momentarily.
- Reported structure fire at 4791 Baker Street.
- Dispatch, 4791 Baker Street is our station address.
What's the address of the fire?
- Dispatch is so stupid - That is the address.
Confirming. - Okay, dispatch
our station's on fire. [laughs]
- Confirmed. Fire at 4791 Baker Street
respond immediately. - Let's go, let's go!
Let's go!
[dramatic music]
[siren wailing]
♪ ♪
Car one on the scene. Heavy smoke showing.
We've got a two-story commercial structure fire.
Car one in command. Need a supply line to Engine 24.
Come on, come on. Let's go, everybody.
- Whoa! - Whoa!
- What the hell, Chief. - Ike, shut down
all the utilities, don't forget the gas line.
Everyone else get inside.
♪ ♪
- Andy, Lucy push into the break room.
♪ ♪
Ready, let's do this. Hit it.
We'll never hear the end of this.
- Break room clear.
- Should we save the fart jars?
- No, never save your personal possessions.
- Ugh, fine. - Come on.
- Ike, what are you doing? - Saving some
of my personal possessions.
The gas is off, it's okay. - Leave that.
It's not even memory foam.
- It's stuffed with 20,000 singles.
That's over $20,000. I'm taking it.
- Okay, let's go.
Locker room clear.
Lucy, you're grabbing your personal items too?
- I'm just removing any potential accelerants
from the premises. - Let's go.
- Besides, my mom would kill me if I left her mom's stuff now.
- Are you kidding me?
You're not gonna see anything like this at Pirate World.
- Yeah. That's the point.
- The fire is flaring up.
- Ike, get another line in here.
- Yes, sir.
Granny, please keep an eye on this for me.
I'll buy you something nice at Dollar Mart.
- Will you do me a favor? I gotta man the pumps
so when you head back in there will you get my puppets?
They're in my locker. - Let's go, Ike!
- Will do! - Hey, Granny.
Will you watch this for me? - Yeah.
- Hey, Ike. Please save them.
They're my babies. - You got it, brother.
Charge this thing up! Let's go!
♪ ♪
- Bring it over here. We got this.
Go get the Book of Knowledge. - You sure?
- We can handle this. Ike, go help Andy.
- I'm on it, Chief! - Lucy, take the line.
Hit it up there.
- There you are.
But what about you?
- Andy, you in here?
Oh, hello. I forgot about you.
Okay. Here we go, baby.
[grunting]
Ooh, whoa, ohh!
Easy. Ooh!
Ahh! Uh!
[straining]
Ah, come on, Ikey.
[straining]
[coughing]
- [laughs] Terry McConky, you are gonna owe me big time.
[laughs]
[cracking]
Oh, come on, stupid chair! Now you break?
Okay, Dad, I hope you're happy about this.
Book, I'll be back for you later.
Damn it.
- Hey, what are you doing? I told you to get the book.
- I dropped it. I'll go get it.
- Go get the book. - Okay. I will.
- Come on!
♪ ♪
- Granny, watch this.
- Ah, Cap, I'm stuck on the pump man.
When you go back inside, will you get my puppets?
They're in the locker. - You got it.
- Hurry!
- Terry, I'm back.
- Eddie, get on the line.
- What about the book? - Don't worry about it.
I need you on the hose! Let's go!
♪ ♪
- Yes, my novel! [laughs]
Ah! Wah! Come on.
Oh, why did it have--
- Andy, we need you out here now!
That's an order!
Andy, where are you?
- [gasps] The urn!
Grandpa!
Hey, I'm here Chief!
- Whoa, whoa. You went back for that?
It's already burnt! Come on, get on the line.
- I'll be right back. [grunts]
No!
♪ ♪
[laughs] Yes!
- Come on! Right now! Move it!
♪ ♪
- Ike! Come on, Ike! Let's get you out of here.
- [coughing]
No, it's okay. Leave me.
This is how I always wanted to go.
- No, let's lift. Come on we'll do it together.
Three, two, one. [both straining]
[popping] Ohh!
Oh, my God! Ohh!
My lady nuts.
- Over there!
- Chief, I got Lucy!
- Lucy? What happened to Lucy?
- Granny, help me out. - [Lucy groaning]
- You, okay?
- The family jewels.
- Oh, no, It's okay. They're safe right here.
- No! My lady jewels.
- Lady jewels? - Ha!
Looks like someone popped the lady nut.
[laughter]
Runs in the family.
- Oh, man. - Hey, anybody find my puppets?
- Uhh, no.
- When I blew out my birthday candles this year,
I wished for this. - All right,
show's over, Polonsky.
Go break up a high school keg party.
- [laughs] Firefighters burning down their own station.
It's like a tow truck getting towed or a hairdresser
giving herself a bad haircut
or a prostitute paying for sex. - All right.
Listen to me you red-headed son of a bitch.
- Did you-- are you pointing at me?
- There was some damage, but the building was saved.
- Do you know how the fire started?
- The cause of the fire's still under investigation.
- And that's exactly why I'm here.
[dramatic music]
- What the hell? Wolf is the new fire inspector?
- That's right, Penisi. Huh?
Read it and weep. - I didn't hear about this.
- Eh, maybe you were too busy interviewing
over at Pirate World.
I hear you took that fire chief position.
- What? What is he talking about, Dad?
- I was gonna tell you. - Chief you're leaving?
- For Pirate World?
- He's gonna be a pirate?
- Arg! This is the greatest thing
I've ever heard, Pirate World.
I'm gonna get some popcorn.
Don't say anything until I get back.
- All right, Wolf. Let's get on with it.
This is my shift and I accept full responsibility.
- Don't get noble with me, Penisi.
I am gonna get on with it, and this time I'm taking you down.
For good.
♪ ♪
- Do you even know what you're doing?
- An inspector can tell how hot the fire burned
by the grit of the ash.
The hottest fires turn everything to dust.
Mmm, mm-hmm.
That's a spicy fire. - That's great, Wolf.
You could just ask us what happened.
- But I don't have to. Because if you know how to listen,
the fire will tell you exactly how and where it started.
[sniffing]
Did you hear that?
[wailing] Penisi.
- Okay. - Penisi.
Captain Penisi.
- There's our new fire inspector.
- Oh, boy. What do you think?
- The Rube Goldberg thing.
Looks like the exhaust hose uncoupled and triggered it.
The extinguisher did not extinguish.
We are never gonna live this down.
♪ ♪
- [exhales]
- Well, listen, thanks for saving my life back there.
And for busting a lady nut while doing it.
You threw up a hell of a lot of weight in there.
And I'm proud of you.
- I'm dealing with my loss.
- Granny, I'm sorry I couldn't get your puppets, man.
I tried, it was-- - No harm, no foul.
And thank God the locker room didn't burn down, right?
They're a little smoky, but they're fine.
Shit, man, I don't know what I would do
if something happened to them. [laughs]
[phone chiming] - Man, word's getting out.
Ah, this is embarrassing.
Even my mom's making fun of me.
- Maybe the jokes will all die down soon, right?
And everybody will just forget about this, you know?
- Ken Walthers, signing off from the now
decimated Station 24,
ironically burned down by its own firefighters.
They're gonna be talking about this one for years.
I wouldn't be surprised if this story gets a national bump.
- Hey, you guys should know
better than to grab your personal stuff.
- I see you grabbed your chair.
- I didn't grab that, Eddie did.
- Oh, yeah. I thought I'd do something nice.
I don't know what came over me. It's quite out of character.
- Hey, can we circle back on the whole Pirate World thing?
You were gonna retire and not tell us?
- It kinda came up suddenly.
- Yeah, well, you still should have told me.
[vehicle approaching]
♪ ♪
Gampy's here.
- Jesus Christ!
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
What did you do to my station?
I've been with this department 50 years
and never has the station been burnt down
by its own crew!
- Sir. - Stuff it, Terry!
Oh, I should've expected this.
Already one foot in your pirate ship.
Anchors away!
Right, skipper?
- Dad. - Don't "Dad" me.
Do you know what kind of an idiot
this makes me look like?
I'm a laughing stock!
Look at what you've done!
Do you have any idea what it's gonna take to fix this?
♪ ♪
Whatever was in here--burned.
Look at this. - Ah!
- Oh.
- All burned. - Ahh!
- Oh, my God. Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh! - Hey, hey, man.
Hey, man. - Grandpa. Grandpa!
Oh, Grandpa! - Let it go, son.
- No, no, no!
- It's burned. - [crying] Grandpa.
- Come on, man. - He was a good guy.
[crying]
- Commissioner, glad you're here.
Luckily, I was able to salvage this book.
It looks pretty important.
- The Station 24 Book of Knowledge.
You were gonna let this burn?
- No, no, no. He gave it to me.
It was my responsibility.
- You know how valuable this book is?
- I made a choice.
- I saved our portrait instead.
- You saved that over this?
Why?
Good job, Boykins. - Thank you, Commissioner.
I'm also glad you're here because I'd like to relay
the initial findings of my investigation.
You see, the fire started on the second floor,
somewhere in the neighborhood of the captain's quarters.
- Okay. That's ridiculous, Wolf.
- Is it? - Any asshole can tell you
that the fire started here in the aft floor.
- Commissioner, I can tell you one thing for sure.
This blaze began on Captain Penisi shift.
- How'd you figure that out? You read the schedule?
- You're just lucky there's no structural damage.
But you'll be glad to know I checked the gas lines.
They are intact and functioning.
- Commissioner, the fire started here.
It was not the captain's fault,
and Boykins doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Spoken like a true pirate.
But you're wrong, matey, and I'll prove it!
♪ ♪
If I've learned just one thing in my short
but eventful tenures as inspector,
it's that fire, she don't lie.
- Don't do that "Backdraft" garbage here, Boykins.
- Wolf. - All you gotta do
is let her light the way.
- Whoa. - Watch out.
that chair is full of methane.
- Bullshit, Penisi.
You have to fart in that chair 50 times a day,
every day for 20 years straight to get enough methane--
♪ ♪
- My puppets! No!
- Wolf, when you checked that gas line, did you shut it off?
- I--I don't know.
- Oh, shit.
- Everybody, out! Let's go!
[all shouting]
[explosion booms]
♪ ♪
- Wolf, what the hell did you do?
- If you didn't light your station on fire
none of this would have happened.
- What are we gonna do?
It's gone.
- There is no we anymore.
We're all gonna go to different stations, it's over.
- Oh, no, no, maybe not.
We could rebuild it, Andy.
Yeah, we can rebuild it. We can all chip in.
Guys, I can chip in for sure.
[laughs] A mattress full of money.
Oh, baby! Ha ha!
I got--holy shit.
No, no!
No, guys, I grabbed the wrong mattress!
No!
- At least you don't have to pay taxes on it.
- Shut up, Andy. Shut up.
- Y'all saved y'all stuff.
My puppets are gone, and they'll never come back.
And neither will I.
Fuck all y'all, man.
- Here you go, Terry. A little memento for your new job.
- Commissioner-- - You're a lame duck.
But somebody's gonna take the fall for this.
Captain, you're fired.
- Ah--no, no Dad. - Save it!
- I really think you're doing--
- One word out of you, Boykins,
I fire your ass, too.
- Huh!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Goodbye, Station 24.