Hey there.
- I got a call about a female Caucasian
looking to go bootscootin' on a Saturday night.
- Guilty as charged. - Hop in.
My dad would kill me
if he knew I was going on a date with a cop.
My dad's the police captain.
He'd kill me if he knew I was going out with a firefighter,
and then I'd have to arrest him.
- You know the best part about going out with a cop is?
No red lights.
Oh! You like that?
Whoo-hoo!
- Holy Spicoli. Look at the time.
I got a big day planned with my Mini Firefighter Buddy.
- You signed up to be a Big Firefighter Buddy?
- That's right. I'm officially a BFB.
- Oh yeah, I heard of that program.
That's where they get a firefighter to mentor some,
like, "troubled youth" or whatever, right?
- I've wanted to do this for a long time
to make a difference
in the life of a kid from a broken home.
- Yeah, and it's a great way to meet single moms,
you know what I--what?
And help a troubled kid. Come on, two birds, one stone.
- Well, what happens if the kid is a bad seed?
Do you get to do that whole "Scared Straight" situation?
- Oh, baby, I would love to see that.
Drill Sergeant Granfield Smith
laying down some tough love on some punk!
Drop and give me 20, boy, now!
- Is that a doughnut in your foot locker, soldier?
Chop 'em, Andy.
- Pow! - Boom!
- No. - Bam!
- No, troubled kids need someone who can relate to them,
offer up some supportive encouragement.
- Boring. - Seriously.
Give me a heads up if you're gonna
give him the old hose-down. I'll make some popcorn.
- Now you're talking. - There you go.
- Oh.
- Hey, Delilah. - Okay.
- Hey, Delilah. - Hey, Delilah.
Lucy's not here yet?
- Whoa, you look like a pink puffer fish.
- Yeah, how much cotton candy died to make that thing?
I know I look terrible.
My sister's getting married, and I'm maid of honor
if Lucy ever gets here to relieve me.
- Delilah, I'm sure Lucy's stuck in traffic.
- She'll be here any second. - Let's hope so.
- But in the meantime, I do need to ask you to change
back into your blues in case we get a call.
- Sorry. - No problem.
- And there's also a pumpkin that needs to be turned...
- Ha, ha, ha, ha! God, Andy.
- Into a carriage. - She wouldn't let you
- finish it. - Yeah.
Hey!
Help!
Hey! Hey!
- Damn it. - Somebody!
Help!
- I still can't believe you broke the window.
- What else was I supposed to do?
Our legs are pinned in.
We still don't have any service.
Someone has to find us soon though, right?
- There's a reason this is my number one make out spot.
It's because no one comes up here.
- Yeah, wow, that makes me feel special.
I'm so hungry!
Oh, God, you don't have anything in your purse, like,
even, like, a power drink like Brute Force Fuel.
- No, I don't carry Brute Force Fuel.
- It doesn't have to be Brute Force Fuel.
It could be Mega Force Fuel.
- I don't have any kind of force fuels in my purse.
- Ugh! - Oh, I do have these.
- Way to bury the lede! Brownies?
- Oh, no, no, no. - My favorite.
Are you kidding me?
- Those are pot brownies. - For reals?
- They were left over from a concert I went to.
Yeah, no judgment here.
I don't care. I'm just hungry.
- No, I just don't think it's a good idea.
We're, like, stuck in a car in a ditch with no way out.
I just--
- Uh, I've had edibles before, okay?
- I wasn't born a cop. - Okay.
Ooh, I do have mints. You want a--
- Mmm. I'm a big boy, okay?
I'm gonna be all right. These are good.
- Hey, Shorty. It's Delilah.
Um, I was wondering if you could come in and cover for me.
Yeah, Lucy didn't show up, and it's sort of screwing me
'cause--you don't care. Don't yell at me.
Okay, I get it. Bye.
God! Lucy's killing me.
Even if she gets here in the next half hour,
I still gotta redo my makeup, put the dress back on,
and practice "Uptown Funk" with the bridesmaids.
That's gonna take, like, two hours.
- She wouldn't do this on purpose.
I'm starting to get worried.
Oh, that gag fire extinguisher we built.
- No way. - Yeah.
I wonder if it still works.
- Make that three hours. - Sorry about that.
- Oh, man, my Mini Firefighter Buddy
should be here any second,
and I can't wait to help a kid in need.
- Oh, Granny, you know what we should do?
Get the kid to do the inventory for us, right?
- We'll whip his ass into shape. - Come on, Ike.
It's not about whipping him into shape.
It's about connecting to his heart, man.
There's no such thing as a bad kid.
- Just a bad role model. - Ah, good point, Granny.
- Right? - Okay, well, oh, here you go.
Oh, shit.
It's Hunter, the kid from the well.
- The kid who hosed Linda Price.
The kid from the toy drive.
Got himself a soccer mom haircut.
'Sup, douche buckets?
- Hunter, you're my Mini Firefighter?
- Yeah, because my stupid mom made me.
- Well, call me Granny. I'm your BFB.
- If by BFB, you mean, "bzoring fucking bzitch,"
then I guess you are.
- There it goes. - Wow.
No such thing as a bad kid, huh?
- Eat a dick, nerd. - Hey.
This is gonna be fun.
Where the hell is she?
- I think Lucy probably slept over
at a friend's house and forgot to set the alarm.
Like, a girlfriend's house?
- Or a boyfriend's. - She's not with a guy.
- Okay, do I need to explain the birds and the bees to you?
She's a good girl.
- Have you checked her social media pages?
- You think we can find something
- on her Oingo Boingo page? - On her "Boioioing," yes.
Lucy can't go ten minutes without posting.
- Well, I don't know how to do that.
- I got you. Oh.
- What do you got? - Okay.
- What? - I got something.
"Coppin' a lobster at Il Lobsterino."
Pretty fancy. Sounds like a date to me.
- Don't push it. - I'm just trying to help.
you want someone else to help, call the cops.
- I'm not gonna call the cops. Pfft.
- Captain Polonsky. - Captain?
- Chief McConky here. - Terry.
- Jerry. - What do you want?
- Well, I want to see if you got wind of any incidents
that might be relevant to us over here.
What are you talking about?
- I was hoping you could shed some light
on the whereabouts of a firefighter.
- Can you just spit it out, McConky?
- Okay, Lucy didn't come to work today,
and we know she was at Il Lobsterino last night.
Other than that, there's no sign.
That's interesting.
Jerry Jr. didn't show up either.
- You mean your son? - He's from my first marriage.
I'm trying to reconnect,
so I put him on the force a few weeks ago
and, you know, it's going okay.
- Save it for your barber. What's that got to do with me?
- Well, he told me yesterday that he had a "hot date"
at Il Lobsterino, and he was "fired up" about it.
- No, there is no way my daughter went on a date
with a Tacoma cop, especially your son.
- Okay, it does seem like a strange coincidence
that they're both at Il Lobsterino
and they're both late for work.
You know, if I put my police detective hat on--
No way.
- I know I said she was with a guy,
but she's definitely not with Polonsky, Jr.
I would bet my entire pension
she wasn't out with Polonsky, Jr.
- And I wouldn't take that bet because I'd lose.
- Right? No way! - She's not with him.
There's no way.
- There's no way. - No, there's no way.
- Oh, God. I forgot how to breathe.
My heart's gonna explode. Oh, God.
- Okay, all right, calm down. Relax, just count to 10.
- Can you have too much pot? Can you OD from pot brownies?
- You're fine. - Are you sure?
'Cause I don't feel fine. I don't feel fine at all.
- Hey, hey, hey, look at me. Look at me.
Tell me something about yourself.
- When my mom left my dad, she made me dye my hair black
so that I wouldn't remind her of him.
- Let's focus on something a little more upbeat.
Okay, uh...
I always wanted to express myself through art.
Really?
- Yeah, I have sketches if you want to see.
- Hell yeah, I wanna see your sketches.
- You do? - Yeah.
- They're in the pocket behind my chair.
Here, let me get it.
- I can't reach. I can't reach.
I got it.
- Okay. I've been teaching myself.
Picassi's always been a hero of mine.
- You mean Picasso? - No.
Greg Picassi, he's the sketch artist
- at the station. - Mm.
- I've always dreamed of drawing the face of a bad guy
from the memory of an unreliable witness.
- Check it out. - Wow.
Oh, these are-- they're unbelievable.
- You don't mean that. - No, I really do.
I think these show a lot of potential.
- You're just saying that. - I think that they're great.
- Oh, I'm freaking losing it, man.
- I'm losing it. - Dude, keep it together.
- Oh, God, whatever happens to me,
don't let me jump off this building.
- We're in a car stuck in a ditch.
I'm having--
I'm giving birth. I'm giving birth.
I'm crowning.
- Do you see the head? - Please get me out of here.
- All right, pull and roll, There you go.
Pull, roll, pull, roll, pull, roll.
Yep, and you roll.
You pull, and you roll. That's great.
It's even. That's awesome.
You're really getting the hang of this, man.
Is this what you do all day?
- Hey, come here. Stand up.
Hunter, being a firefighter is a way of life.
We live by a code.
- Yeah, like when your relief doesn't show up
for her shift, and you have to fucking stay.
Lady firefighter said fuck.
- How many are in there? - Eight
- All right, look, Hunter, when I got out
of the military, I had no direction, no purpose.
- Firefighting gave that to me.
- Dude, I didn't come in to do your job for you.
Just tell me how to burn down a building.
- Oily rags and accelerant-- arsonist's best friend.
- Ike. - He wants to learn.
- I'm trying to tell him. - He doesn't want to learn.
- All right, Hunter, all I'm saying is
you remind me of me when I was a kid.
- And then you grew up to be an old bald dude
with a feminine nickname.
- We got a car in ditch up at Oak Point.
Could be Lucy.
Let's go. Let's go.
Oh, my God!
It's so crazy 'cause you're, like, so hot,
but then when I smush your face,
you're like-- you're like a baby.
You're like a hot baby. That's a weird thing to say.
- Dude, I told you stop squeezing my face.
- Oh, right. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, hey, cool, yeah.
- Good morning. How's everyone doing in here?
- Oh, my God, Cap, you are a sight for sore eyes.
- No pain? You can wiggle your toes?
Yeah, we're okay.
- Good 'cause we want to make fun of you.
- Yeah, totally. - Just get me out of here.
- Hey, Luce, there's someone who wants to talk to you.
- Okay. - You lied to everyone.
You went out with a cop,
and you did the weed in his car.
- I didn't do the weed. - Excuse me, Chief.
- Can I go-- - Not now, Delilah.
- What I don't understand is why you violated
an unwritten firefighter rule of never dating a cop.
So you're telling me
that if a super hot, dumb, female cop
asked you on a date and offered to buy you
a lobster dinner, you'd say no?
- She makes a very valid point. Thank you for opening my eyes.
- It was Polonsky's son! - Also a valid point!
- All I did was go out on a date with a dude
who drove his car into a ditch.
- No, you let your shift down. - Mm-hmm.
- Delilah had a wedding to go to.
- It's totally fine. No harm, no foul.
If I leave right now, I can still--
- I'm sorry, but it's clear Lucy is still high on the weed
and unable to perform her station duties.
- I'm not high! I can work, Dad!
- Please, my sister's my best friend,
and I made a promise to my dad on his deathbed...
- Thank you, Delilah. - That I would be there...
- Get back to work. - For her to walk her down--
- Dad, what is wrong with you? Delilah, I am so sorry.
- Hark, what yonder window light breaks?
'Tis Lucy, and she doth complete me.
- Hi, Terry.
- No, no, no, Terry, no, no. - I'll kill this guy!
No, no, no.
- You don't seem to be connecting with him.
- I'm telling you, time for Plan B--tough love.
- You guys, any kid who's that much
of a dick has problems.
Look at that hairdo. That's not his fault.
We need a breakthrough,
and I know just the way to do it.
- Hey, buddy, what's happening? - What do you want, grandma?
- All right, buddy, look, I get it, okay?
When I was young, I thought I was a tough guy too.
I didn't know how to talk about my feelings
until I met these guys.
Whoo-hoo-hoo, I'm Fireman Bob,
and I can say whatever's on my mind.
- You started playing with dollies?
I'm not a dolly.
I'm part of an ancient art form that takes great skill to use.
You should try it.
It's Bucko, the dog. Here.
Come on. You got anything to say, Bucko?
- You can't tell me what to do 'cause you're not my dad.
And what's your dad like?
- He left when I was six, and he never calls.
I wish I was talking to him.
- You, see? Puppets are cool, right?
Yeah, I guess.
- Hey, Granny, I'm sorry to take you away
from your dollies, but you got to come with us.
I got a thing happening.
- Can I stay here with the puppets?
Yes, yes you can.
Here--just-- you're gonna love it.
- Come on. - You'll love it.
They're really good friends.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- You drove my daughter into a ditch.
- Chief, have you ever seen "Avatar"?
What?
- In "Avatar" when the blue people mate,
they make love using their tails.
- You better choose your next words very carefully, mister.
- I thought long and hard about these next words.
- Hmm. Gross.
Lucy McConky...
will you marry me?
- Oh, um. - Are you kidding me?
- What does this have to do with "Avatar"?
- Do you see what you've done? Hmm?
- How do you date this guy? - It's none of your business.
- He's waiting for an answer. Go ahead, marry him.
- Oh, well, since you own me, don't I need your blessing?
- Oh, you got it. Let's do right now.
I'm a justice of the peace. I would be happy to officiate.
Lucy McConky...
will you marry me?
- You already asked me that. - I did?
- Mm-hmm. - And what did you say?
- Yes. I will marry you.
- Oh! Boom, yippee!
- Congratulations, we're family!
- I promise I won't miss it, okay?
Look, I'm trying to get out of here.
- Delilah, go put your dress back on.
I can go?
- No, Lucy's still stoned, and she needs a maid of honor.
- Go.
Man, we made a breakthrough.
This is a totally different kid from this morning.
Oh, hell no.
You pyro-ass, affluenza, gob of snot piece of shit!
What's wrong with you, man?
You can do whatever you want to me,
but do not fuck with my puppets!
- Whoa, Granny, now don't forget
we want to figure out why he's exhibiting this behavior.
Yeah, chill, bruh.
- Oh, you want me to chill, bruh?
How about I chill my ass right here
and watch you do 100 pushups? Get down, let's go.
- Ooh, baby, I knew it was gonna be worth the wait.
You can't do this.
- Now it's 200 pushups 'cause you're
talking back, you stupid piece of monkey vomit.
What the hell are you doing?
- Well, this is my Mini Firefighter Buddy, so...
And you think that gives you
the right to scream abusively at him and make him do pushups?
- I--it was--uh--
Granny's so mean.
Oh, honey, don't cry.
I'm reporting you
to the Big Firefighter Brother organization.
You're lucky I don't arrest you.
Lucky. Come here, sweetie.
Let's get away from this pendejo.
Anything you say, Officer.
- My phone!
I was just kidding before.
My dad lives with me, but he's a dick like you.
- Ow. - Bitch.
- Huh, are you okay? - Yeah.
- You're a bitch! - Hey, hey.
- Apologize to Lucy. Tell her you overreacted.
- No, I live for a good game of chicken.
You know why they call me chief?
- Because you love chicken and beef.
- Because I love chicken and beef!
Gentlemen.
- What do you want? - I come in peace.
- Okay, all right. Yeah?
Look, I just wanted to say
that I've never seen Jerry Jr. like this.
He truly loves your daughter to the moon and back,
and, look, I know we've had our differences,
but maybe, just maybe this romance could serve
as a bridge of healing between our two stations,
especially since we're gonna be family.
I couldn't do it!
I challenged myself to go 60 seconds
without laughing, but I can't because this
is the funniest thing that I've ever seen.
I don't find the humor in it.
- Look at it from my perspective.
When Jerry Jr. told me what he was gonna do,
I didn't care anymore that he had wrecked my car.
I didn't care anymore that the kid was an idiot.
I told him "That's a great idea."
And do you know why?
Because I couldn't wait to see the look
on your stupid face when he did it.
But the best part is that you are such a dumb son of a bitch
that you made her say yes,
and now they're getting married.
- That's it. - All right, all right.
Come on, settle down, everybody.
Enough, Polonsky, you've made your point.
- Get out of here.
Oh also, may their first child be a masculine child.
- Get out of here.
- Terry, call it off. - I'm not backing down.
Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here to join my son,
Officer Gerald Polonsky Jr.,
and Terry McConky's precious, beloved daughter Lucy.
I can't begin to convey how much joy it brings me
to see the love
that these two young people have found.
Vicky is gonna be so pissed.
I can't wait to see her face when she finds out
that her daughter married Polonsky's son on a whim
in your fire station without her here,
- and you encouraged it. - Okay, thanks.
- Jerry Jr. has prepared his own vows.
This should be good.
Thank you, father.
My heart is rock hard today
as I look into the eyes of the woman
I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
I can't begin to say how much I love Lucy.
Oh, Lucy.
Holy shit.
- Oh, boom.
"I Love Lucy"?
Lucy, I'm home.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
- That's my best man. - Great.
Well, if anybody present believes that these two people
should not be wed, then speak now,
or forever hold your peace.
Please don't say anything.
Please don't. Please don't.
- Nobody? Last call.
Wow. Okay.
By the power vested in me
by the great state of Washington,
I now pronounce you
man and--
- Uncle! - Shit, so close!
- What? - I'm so sorry, I can't do it.
I just didn't want to be judged
for wanting a free dinner from a hot guy.
I thought he would have sobered up by now
and snapped out of it.
And, Dad, I thought you would have put a stop to this.
- I was just trying to honor your choices.
- But Lucy, we were meant for each other.
You talked me off the ledge.
- Dude, have some self-respect.
She's only doing this to stick it to her dad.
Don't be a dumb ass.
- Thank you. - 781 family dispute.
497 West Quaker Street.
- 10-4. On our way.
- Come on, Jerry Jr. Let's do it.
Come on, let's go.
Firefighters suck.
I made this for you.
Oh.
Wow, looks just like me.
- It's my greatest work. It's my Mona Lisy.
Thanks, Jerry.
- Don't forget me. And rest in peace.
Drive safe.
Allow me to be the first
to congratulate you on your nope-tials.
- Well, I guess I don't need these anymore.
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
- Son of a bitch. - I am so sorry.
May I please leave now?
Yes, you can go, Delilah.
- Oh, God. - Oof.
- Have fun. - Hope you enjoy the wedding.
- Oh!
- Ugh.
Honestly, this is
the best wedding I've ever been to.
- My therapist says that I know that I'm worthy of love,
but I keep wasting that love
on women that are emotionally unavailable.
And it all stems from my relationship with my dad.
Oh, come on.
Why don't I keep getting stuck with you
weepy-ass, sensitive old people?
- Dude, I'm laying myself bare here.
It's a ride along.
Let's go infiltrate a drag racing crime gang.
- Is that the guy that gave you an F in French class?
- Yes, it's that douchebag Monsieur Aragon.
Let's go kick some derriere.
Oui, oui.