- What's this? - Oh, it's the new
smoldering firefighter drama, "Pamona FD."
- What do you guys watch the shows?
All you do sit around and complain.
That air packs from the '90s.
- Yeah, right. - Don't they have
a technical consultant on this show?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Retired firefighter,
rents, like, a Mustang Convertible.
Thinks he's hot shit. Probably related
to one of the creators of the show.
- [laughs] Probs. - Yeah, probably.
- It's not even a real fire.
- Look how much makeup that girl's wearing.
- How come I can't get the suit
to highlight my cheekbones like that?
- There he is taking the shirt off again.
- And now they're making out
in the middle of a fire.
- Why do they think that life in a fire station
is like a soap opera? - It's so unrealistic.
[explosion booms]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Guys...she's here.
- Who is? - [laughs]
You're gonna wanna come see for yourself.
Trust me.
[epic music]
♪ ♪
[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ ♪
- There she is, boys, the Pedalton 3.0.
- Finally, cardio that doesn't suck.
- That's their tagline. It's on the box.
- Wait, 1500 bucks from Bulkshop?
- Why would you get anything from Bulkshop?
- Because they have great prices.
- No. Bulkshop sucks.
- Yeesh. - Whoa, damn.
- Why does he hate Bulkshop so much?
- I know, right? - Ooh, the Pedalton 3.0
has everything, man.
Prerecorded classes, live classes, and special events.
- Ooh, I feel bad for the suckers
who bought the Pedalton 2.0.
- Suckers. - Suckers.
- Oh, wait, when does the 4.0 come out?
- Next month. But until then, this is top of the line.
- Ooh! - Awesome!
Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. Step aside, Bozo.
I'm taking her on her maiden voyage.
- I call next. - All right.
- Yes.
I'll bet you wish you got next.
- Not really.
- Hi, I'm Anita Worthy, and I'm gonna get you going
on your new Pedalton.
- Hello, Anita.
- You might be tempted to talk to me,
but this is a pre recorded workout
so I cannot hear you or respond.
- Oh, okay. Sorry.
I won't-- [laughs]
Oh, you can't hear that, either.
What am I doing? Stop it, Ike.
Sorry, Anita. Shit!
[laughs] You can't hear that.
- All right, gang. Let's go!
all: Whoo!
♪ ♪
[knock at door] - Hey, I got awesome news.
You know how the city's been trying to buy my house
so they can build a new hospital?
Well, I've been holding it up for a year,
and they finally made an offer.
A million bucks. [typing]
Hey, did you hear what I said?
The city wants to give me a million bucks for my house.
- [sighs] Okay. What are you talking about?
- What's going on with you? - Vicky's pissed at me.
We were binge watching a show together on Hulu.
- Mm. - I watched the last
five episodes without her. - Big mistake. What show?
- It's a show about the Irish couple, Jenny and John O'Cake.
They join the Peace Corps and solve crimes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Peace O'Cake."
Great show. - So good.
- Great show. - They planted a potato farm
in an African village. - That's the best part
of the season right there. - Then someone stole
the potatoes. - And that's all
in the first episode. - They solved it, though.
- Yeah, of course. - You wanna know why?
- Why? - It was a Piece O'Cake.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so good.
- Oh, it was so good. - Yeah. Well, I don't
blame her, you know, when you exchanged
those marital vows with my sister,
you swore an oath of fidelity.
- They didn't have binge cheating back then.
- Eh. - All right, so what's
this thing with the city? - They're offering me
a million bucks for my house. [laughs]
- That should curb your reckless
and irresponsible ways. - Probably not.
[phone chimes] - Ahh!
Now as punishment, she's gonna binge watch
"Mental Dental" without me. - Ohh, boy.
- That's that show about the dentists in the insane asylum.
- Good show. - Jake G-g-gyllenhaal.
- Oh, Gyllellenhaal is great in that show.
- He plays the dentist, Dr. Frederick Mental, DDS.
- Tell you what, thought, that's not the best
of the dentist shows.
The best show is the one about the girl in 1904 Poland,
who becomes a boy so she could be a dentist--
"Yentl Dentle." - Ohh.
Ronda Rousey's excellent in that.
- She's so good. - She's so good.
That second number she sings. - Ah.
That one's great. - I watched that one
without Vicky, she got mad about that too.
- Well, that's married life for you,
and I miss it exactly zero much.
- Well, that's twice as much as I miss being married to you.
[dramatic music] - Oh, my God, Felicity,
Long time, no see.
- Wow, Felicity, you look...different.
- After we got divorced,
I became an ordained Wiccan minister.
- So you split with your wife, and you drove her
to the dark arts. - Oh, stick a sock in, Terry.
I can put a hex on you so fast
it'll make your head spin--literally.
Eddie, Sal Green is dead.
- Sal Green, our divorce lawyer?
- Yes and no.
On his deathbed he confessed he was never
a licensed attorney.
He was a fraud. - So what does that mean?
- It means that every paper we signed back then
is null and void.
You and I are still married.
[dramatic music] - [gasps]
♪ ♪
- [gulps]
- All right, Lance Armschlong, time's up, buddy.
- I'll have you know, Lance Armschlong
is a highly respected exotic dancer,
and a close personal friend of mine.
- How was it? - Incredible.
- Really? - My trainer was awesome.
- Ohh! - I mean, seriously.
- Enjoy, my butt sweat. [laughs]
- Eww.
All right, here we go.
Ooh.
Pick a name, and--
Wow, okay. [laughs]
[mumbling] ..man3.
Really?
...man5.
Are you kidding me?
All right, you know what?
ShoveItUpYourAss. [beeps]
Aw, man, no!
- Hi, and welcome to Pedalton.
I'm Anita Worthy.
- Hi, Anita.
- You might be tempted to speak to me.
But this is a prerecorded workout,
so I can't hear you or respond.
- Oh, that's okay. I'm just gonna stare at you.
You're incredible. - Okay, let's start pedaling.
Let's go! [all hooting]
This is a 10-mile circuit,
so we've got some time together.
I'm gonna start by telling you a little bit about myself.
- Please do.
- When I was a medic in the military,
I used to get through tough days
by singing acapella.
- That's me!
- And I played the ukulele.
- Girl, you better stop. I'll come marry you right now.
- So what are you going to do about it, Eddie?
- I'm gonna find a living divorce lawyer
and we'll get divorced for real.
- It's not that simple, dummy.
- Hey, Chief, I was gonna ask you
about the, um--
Aunt Felicity, is that you?
- Lucy? - Oh, my God.
I mean, you look so different than the pictures.
You're so mystical.
- Well, I went in a different direction
after Eddie cheated on me.
- She became a witch. - Yes.
Primarily so I could lay curses on Eddie.
- Yeah, right. What curses have you ever laid on me?
- Did you pop a nut two years ago?
- Maybe.
- I put a photo of you in the freezer along
with a broken walnut and a nasty tarot card.
It's called a freezer spell.
- That's bullshit.
- I popped your nut in '97.
And did you have teeth pulled this year?
- Yes, I took pig's teeth
and put it in a bucket of sugar for that one.
Has your back gone out lately?
- Yes. - I made a doll of you
and broke it in half.
- Why put all the curses on me?
- For giving Eddie an alibi
when he cheated.
I will always hate you.
- But he's the one who cheated!
- Ah! At least now you admit it.
- Ohh, she got me. - Okay, okay.
Let's just get back to the situation at hand.
What are we gonna do about this divorce?
- I want a proper settlement this time.
I want the house, Eddie.
[dramatic music]
- [inhales sharply]
- Anyways, I've always hated being a leap year baby.
Not very many people can relate.
If you do, give me a call.
- I relate! I relate!
- All right!
Great job, everyone. Let's cool down.
- What do you think? - Oh, Anita Worthy is
the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
- Me too. - She's so supportive
without being condescending. - Yeah.
She's just so inspiring without being annoying.
And we-- both: Have so much in common.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys.
Anita is my trainer.
I rode with her first,
so that's my trainer, okay?
- Ike, the workouts are prerecorded.
We can all ride with Anita. - Mm.
- Yeah, I guess, right? I mean, if they're pre-recorded,
then why would we be jealous of each other?
both: Totally. - Sorry, guys.
[laughs] [bike chimes]
- Okay, gang.
Now, just a reminder,
for the rest of the day during my live workouts,
Whoever gets the highest workout score
will win a private cycle with me tonight at 6:00 pm.
It'll be a one-on-one session where I'll be able to see you,
hear you, and interact with you and only you.
Great job, everyone.
♪ ♪
- I will murder you both viciously.
- You owe it to me to give me that house, Eddie.
Why are you so opposed to it?
- It's my house. I paid for it.
- Then you cheated on me.
- Only because you became very distant.
- Because you were obsessed with Matthew Broderick.
- That's not true. - It's true.
- You wanted to be him in sexual roleplay.
- All right, I think we should go.
- No, stay.
Eddie wanted to roleplay in bed as Matthew Broderick
and not the fun stuff like "Inspector Gadget."
No, he wanted to be "Ladyhawke."
- Hey, "Ladyhawke" is a great movie.
- It is a good movie. Michelle Pfeiffer.
- Shut up, Terry.
- Okay, okay, just give me a moment
to process all of this.
It's not every day that your ex-wife
shows up with news like this.
[dramatic music]
- Hello, Eddie.
- Make that two ex-wives.
- Oh, my God! Aunt Ulsa!
- Hi, Lucy.
Sal Green is dead.
He was never a lawyer.
We are still married.
[dramatic music]
- When it rains, it pours.
- Shut your mouth!
- Okay, gang, we're riding to the top
of Gut Check Hill, who's with me?
[all hooting] - Whoo, baby.
I am, Anita. - Right on!
Remember, I can't hear you guys. [laughs]
- Why does she ask us questions if she can't hear our answers?
- Good start, Flyfisher21.
You got this, GnarlyCat007.
[app chiming]
- [grunts]
Gut Check Hill is right. Come on!
- Oh, don't slow down on me, IkeOnABike.
I know you can do this. Let's go!
- IkeOnABike, she said my name.
She said my name!
Oh, my God. [app chimes]
What kind of hill is this, Anita?
Climbing up a wall.
- Who's pumped? [all cheer]
Yes! - [grunts]
Damn, this is hard!
Shit!
- So, Eddie, what are we going to do?
- Get divorced? - You don't have to.
We're still married.
Your marriage never happened.
- She makes a good point. - She's right.
- Ulsa needed a green card.
So my mom set her up with Eddie as a prank.
- The Penisi's prank so hard. - Yes, they do.
So Eddie married Ulsa.
After two years, she got her green card.
One week later, she divorced him and fleeced him.
- Oof, that's pure evil.
- Wait, there's more.
- He cheated on me.
- Oh, you ki-- He cheated on me, too.
- Ohh, now it makes sense.
- Okay, hold on a second.
I paid both of you ladies alimony for years.
Now if our divorce wasn't valid, and you and I
were never legally married, then I demand restitution.
- He's right.
both: Shut up, Terry!
- Okay. - I am not paying you anything,
Edward Caesar Penisi.
This is what you are going to do for me.
If our marriage is null and void
that means my citizenship is null and void.
I want you to marry me.
- [laughs]
No, freakin' way.
- Well, if you don't, I will have you charged with bigamy!
[dramatic music]
- Why are you spit taking?
- She said bigamy.
[dramatic music]
- I thought she said big Amy. - Who's big Amy?
- I don't know that's why I didn't spit take.
- Andy, clean this up!
- You want me to clean up your spit?
[shoes clacking]
- [chuckles]
[laughs]
Where did you get the lameo clothes?
- Amazon Drone, bitch.
It's gonna help me with my speed.
- Yeah, I like the helmet. Don't fall off. [laughs]
- You know what else I got?
State-of-the-art shoes with click-in capabilities. [laughs]
Here we go.
♪ ♪
Paid 200 bucks for these, man.
[pained groaning]
Ahh!
[screams]
[grunting]
Ahh!
Ah! Cramp! Bad cramp!
[screams]
[clicking]
[laughs] I did it. I did it.
There we go. Ha.
♪ ♪
Ohh, my water.
[screams]
- RCW9864O10--
"A person is guilty of bigamy
"if he or she intentionally marries another person
"when either person has a living spouse.
"Punishable by five years in jail.
A Class C felony."
- Doesn't sound like a classy felony.
- [laughs]
- Eddie, you're a bigamist
and I will report you if you don't comply.
But I will look the other way if you marry me.
- Still no. - [speaking Swedish]
- When did Cap learn to speak Chinese?
- It's Swedish, Ike.
- No, I know. That's what I said.
Like, when did you learn to speak Swedish?
- She taught him.
[both speaking Swedish]
- [sighs] [speaking Swedish] Oof.
- Ah, tingle button.
It just means the same.
Like, tingle button, I guess.
- Yeah, she taught him that, too.
- Chief, why is there a picture of you in the freezer?
And why is it attached to a pig's foot?
- That's why my feet are so cold.
Stop it with the freezer spells.
- Never!
[evil music]
- [choking]
- Was that real? - I don't know.
♪ ♪
- Hoo. Hello, hello.
Who stole the seat?
I don't need a seat.
Here we go. [laughs]
They took the pedals?
[grunting]
[struggling efforts] I don't--
Buh-bye.
I guess I'll ride later.
- Why are they being so mean to your dad?
- Because Uncle Eddie made Chief lie for him.
When his wives thought he was cheating,
he told Felicity that he and Eddie were at hot yoga
and that Eddie passed out from dehydration.
And then he told Ulsa that he and Eddie were skydiving,
and that Eddie passed out for mental exhaustion.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Chief is into yoga and skydiving?
[laughs] [imitates explosion]
That's amazing.
- By the way, Terry, your best man speech
was an embarrassment.
That Penisi joke. [scoffs] So stupid.
- He told that dumb joke at your wedding too?
- Oh, yes.
- It's a great joke. - I like that joke.
- What are you talking about? - Yeah.
- That joke killed. - Yeah, it was a good joke.
- Chief was the best man at both of their weddings?
- Yeah. By the third wedding, he really had things dialed in.
- There's a third wedding?
- Eddie... [dramatic music]
we need to talk.
- [sighs] I should have expected this.
Everybody, this is my third wife Cece.
- Hi, Aunt Cece! - Hey, Lucy.
- Have a seat. We are just figuring out
the Sal Green of it all. - Good.
Because I just found out
the city is buying your house for a million dollars.
- You lying bastard.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- [gulps]
♪ ♪
- Cece, how did you know that
I was getting a million dollars from my house?
- My family is connected, Eddie.
We know everything.
You might recognize Aunt Cece
by her maiden name-- Bulkshop.
- As in Bulkshop Wholesale Store?
- Mm-hmm. - Ooh, she got money.
- That's why Cap doesn't like Bulkshop.
- Her dad tried to get him to change his name
to Eddie Bulkshop.
But in the end, she took his last name.
- Oh, Cece Penisi. [both laugh]
That's--that's pretty dope, actually.
- By then, Dad's best man toast was off the chain.
He had it down to a tight 10.
- Did Terry give the best man speech for you too?
both: Yes.
- Did he do that stupid joke?
both: Yes.
- "Congratulations. Maybe one day--"
all: "Eddie will put a little Penisi in you."
[both laugh] - I don't sound like that.
- Shut up, Terry.
- Wait, Luce, what time is it?
- It's almost five.
- Ooh, Anita Worthy is about to announce
who won the one-on-one cycle contest.
- Oh!
[shoes clacking loudly]
- So, Eddie, since you and I were never married,
just write me a check for the $1 million of alimony
I have paid you over the past 15 years.
Or just give me the house.
- That house is mine, sister.
- Watch yourself, Stevie Nix.
- Watch yourself, Shamrock Shake.
- Catfight.
both: Shut up!
♪ ♪
[clacking]
- Dude, you got an outfit and a ring light?
- Hell yeah. I've gotta look sweet
when I get my one-on-one ride with Anita Worthy.
- Oh, man.
- Except I'm gonna be the one
who does the one-on-one ride with Anita, sucker.
- Hey, Tex, are you spraying cologne right now?
- Yeah, jealous much? [laughs]
You guys didn't think of that, did you?
- You know she can't smell you through the screen.
[both laugh]
- [laughs]
Yeah, I know.
It's fo--it's for atmosphere, guys.
- Okay, well, both of you guys just shut up
because my girlfriend's about to talk.
- Okay everyone, drumroll, please.
- "Drumroll please." Anita you're so funny.
- She can't hear you, Ike. - I know.
Honestly, I keep forgetting.
- There can only be one winner.
So without further ado,
the winner of the one-on-one
personal cycle is...
- Whatever happens, guys, I love both of you.
- Aw, thank you.
- TacomaFDStation24.
[cheering]
- Okay! [laughter]
- That's weird because I sabotaged both of you guys.
- I know. I did it to you guys, too.
- And I, you.
- They must have thought that the TacomaFDStation24
account was one person
and then they added all of our rides together.
- Oh yeah, that's why it's so awesome.
- Congrats, TacomaFDStation24.
You rode for three hours. - Ooh!
- See you soon for our one-on-one.
- How are we gonna decide
who gets the private ride with Anita?
- Oh, rock, paper, scissors. - Nice.
- Is that-- - No, I'm gonna punch you.
- Paper.
- Okay, I was only ever legally married to Felicity
but there's potential bigamy on the table
and some common law marriage statutes
which have yet to be determined that may be complicated
by three cases of marital infidelity.
- Quit stalling, Eddie,
you owe me a million dollars of alimony.
- And I want the house.
- I only want your hand in marriage.
- I don't have a million bucks.
- Yes, you do, your house. - I used the alimony
you paid me to pay the alimony to these two.
So if you make me pay you back
then I'm making them pay me back.
- Not my problem, Eddie.
My lawyers are already drawing up a lawsuit as we speak.
It's the end of the line for you, buddy.
- Goo.
- Oh, no, it's not.
[dramatic sting]
I called my friend at the Hall of Records.
Interestingly, there are no marriage licenses filed
for any of your marriages.
Now, as you ladies may recall,
not only was I the best man at all of your weddings,
but I was also the justice of the peace.
So I officiated over all of your weddings.
- I forgot that.
- And as the officiant, it was my duty
to file the marriage licenses with the county.
Unfortunately, I had a few too many cocktails
at my dear friend's various wedding ceremonies,
and I failed to do so.
However, I checked my file cabinet,
and I found these unfiled documents
in a file marked "things to do."
- Okay, wait a second.
So even my first marriage was unofficial?
- Yes. And I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, no, not at all.
I mean, I suppose I should thank you for your negligence.
- Shut up, Terry. And what does that mean?
- It means that Eddie was never married.
And he is as much of a victim as any of you.
- Yes! - Ugh!
- This is incredible.
- I'm still taking him to court.
- Then I'm taking these two ladies to court.
- I will be deported.
- And I'll be broke. Okay.
That's it. I'm casting spell on you.
- [laughs] Sweet.
- [moaning]
- Okay, okay, okay.
Just--let's just--
This is all getting very complicated, and I'm rich.
So let's just split the sale of the house four ways
and call it a day.
250,000 each, mmm?
- Boom.
- But I bought the house for 250,000.
- Great. Well, then you'll come out even.
- Wait, who is going to marry me
so I can keep my green card? - I'll do it. You're hot.
But I'm going to need a prenup.
- You got it. - Too bad Sal Green died.
He gave Eddie a punch card so his fifth divorce is free.
- Oh, yeah. - Fifth.
He's only been divorced three times.
- Eddie, did you hear about Sal Green?
all: Yeah. We know. He's dead.
- Hi, Aunt Olive. - Hi, Lucy.
- Don't waste your time, sweetheart. You get nothing.
- Okay. This was fun.
- Great to see you, Cece. - Good to see you, Eddie
and you. - Oh, yeah.
- Great to see you, Felicity. - [speaks Swedish]
- Bye. - Bye, Felicity.
- Mm. [laughs] Look at this!
She left 20 bucks on the chair.
Bye, Olive.
- Heh. I actually think that was my 20 bucks.
- Ah, well, now it's hers.
- Guys, just give up. I'm gonna win.
both: No way!
- Ah, ah!
- Listen, class starts in 15 minutes, okay?
We're all gonna be exhausted. We gotta figure something out.
[buzzer] - Station 24, drunk man
stuck in the shopping cart
in the Tacomart parking lot. - [groans]
- 28 Oak Street.
- Guys, let's go!
- Okay. - Come on, we do it fast,
we'll be back before the hour's up.
- Bingo. Bango. Bongo.
[shoes clacking]
- Ohh!
♪ ♪
- TacomaFDStation24?
- Uh, yeah. - I'm Anita Worthy.
You won the contest. - Uh--
- You didn't know? - [laughs] No.
But I was probably out rescuing somebody.
- [laughs] I like your mustache.
- [laughs] What a coincidence.
It likes you too. - [laughs]
Oh, my God. What is your name?
- I'm Eddie Penisi.
- Mm. Anita Worthy Penisi.
Has a nice ring to it.
- So we're getting married then?
- I guess so.
- I don't suppose you live near Washington, do you?
- Does Seattle count? - [laughs] Really? Okay.
- Hey, I am not going through this again.
- What? - Number five.
- Now technically, it's the first.
- [grunts] - Oh, come on, Terry.
- No more!
You get to do the joke again.