♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop
♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop
♪ Dop ba du, oh yeah
- Mm. [chuckles] - Yeah.
- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yes, yes!
He's got nothing. No chance!
- Yeah. - He's got nowhere to put it.
- No, no, he's out. - He's done, he's done.
That's what I thought. - Hold on, hold on.
♪
- Oh, oh.
[cheering]
- Okay. - Come on, yeah.
- Come on, Terry. - Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.
- I think he's done.
- Oh.
- No, no, no. He's done.
[cheering] - Yeah!
- Yeah, I'll never let you forget this, Terry McConky!
Never!
[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" playing]
All right, crank up the Foreigner.
♪
- ♪ Well I'm hot blooded
♪ Check it and see
♪ I got a fever of 103
♪ I'm hot blooded
- ♪ Hook
♪ Got the hook and chatter
♪ Got the hook, ugh
♪ Got the hook and chatter
♪ Got the hook [siren blares]
- Hey, welcome to "Hook and Chatter."
The TFD sports podcast. Episode eight.
- This podcast is brought to you by Alohair,
The number two of two Hawaiian-themed
waxing salons in Tacoma.
From eyebrows to low brows, our deals are so good
you'd be macadamia nuts not to come by.
[bell blares] - Ha ha!
First topic, LeBron, Kobe, Michael Jordan.
Who's the best of all time?
- None of those guys!
It's Dirk Nowitzki, and I'll tell you guys why.
- Wait, what? - Nowitzki?
You're crazy, man. What are you talking about?
- I'm trying out a new persona.
The guy with the hot takes, the contrarian?
- You sound crazy. - How do podcasts make money?
- Computer, the-- - Ads.
How do you get ads? - Having content that is--
- By getting subscribers. How do you get subscribers?
- From TV.
- Contrarianism, hot takes.
You know, thinking outrageously outside of the box.
- Bickering creates a fun dynamic.
- Yeah, slamming people's good too, right?
Especially if they don't deserve it.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Hey, we should all be hot take guys.
- That sounds great. - Yeah!
- No, no, no. - Ike.
- I'm just kidding, guys. I'm being contrarian.
I'm being a hot take guy. That's what you do, right?
- And we're back. [horn blares]
- Nowitzki? Are you crazy?
He's only got one championship.
- It doesn't matter.
I believe he's the best, and here is why.
First of all, he's German.
How do you get better than Germans?
[mellow rock music]
- Are we really buying a boat together?
- Yeah, you know it.
Look at this baby, huh?
- Mm, I've always wanted a boat.
- I came up with a great name for it.
The Hook, Line and Sphincter.
- Why is it always dirty with you?
- What are you talking about? The name is hysterical.
- Why don't we try something like, uh, like Laurels
'cause that's what we're resting on.
Our laurels. The Laurel.
- Come on, Terry, live a little.
Boat names are supposed to be naughty puns, okay?
I got another one, The Glory Hull.
- Ugh. - Huh? Hmm?
- Gross. - You don't know.
- How about The Terry Cruise?
- You wanna name your boat after an actor?
- What actor? - Terry Crews.
- [sighs] It's Tom Cruise, sweetie.
And it's a pun. Terry cruise.
- Never mind. - Ugh, you're so dumb.
- I think it should be a fun pun.
Yacht-Sea.
Do you get it? Yacht-Sea.
- Yeah. Yeah, no, we got it. S-E-A, right.
- Um, Vicky. - Yes.
- Eddie and I are buying the boat.
- Mm-hmm. - So that means Eddie and I
are gonna name the boat.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it your name on the bank account or our name?
Because if we're both going to buy the boat,
we both can name it, okay?
- Owned. [laughs]
- All right, let's just come up with a name
we can all agree on.
- I got another one. Two firefighters on the ocean.
Let's call the boat Hot Sem--
[horn blares] - Next up,
tonight's MMA heavyweight title fight
just so happens to be at our very own Tacoma Dome!
- Bah!
Champion Stipe Miocic versus challenger
Bobby Ferapolis.
Stipe is considered the greatest
heavyweight of our time.
How do you like his chances?
- I give him no chance.
I think he's gonna get KO'd in round three.
I mean, he's clearly lost his step,
and his footwork is a mess. [cartoony sound effects]
- I'm gonna go one step further here, fellas.
I say he gets knocked out in round two.
- Oh! [horn honks, crash]
- Guys, Stipe is so predictable.
All he does is leg kick, leg kick, leg kick, leg kick.
Maybe after he gets knocked out,
he can get a job with the Rockettes.
both: Oh! [rimshot]
- I'll do you one better and say
he gets knocked out in round one
'cause he's over the hill.
- I bet I could beat him up too.
- I heard he's a terrible father.
[sad trombone music] - Yeah.
- Eddie, I don't wanna have to register as a sexual predator
because of the name of the boat.
- All your name ideas blow.
Fishy Business? Come on, dude.
- How about we call it Shrimp My Ride,
'cause you're such a shrimp? - [snorts]
- I'd actually be okay with that
because it would be a constant reminder of the time
I crushed you in that shrimp cocktail eating contest.
- What? You never beat me eating anything.
- I did beat you, Terry, right here in this very spot.
And I remember 'cause it was the same day
you went on your first date with Vicky.
- Oh, right. - I don't think I've ever heard
the full story about your first date.
- Sure you have. Eddie set us up as a prank.
- No, I know that part,
but I've just heard like bits and pieces.
- Well, Eddie thought we didn't have anything in common,
but as usual, Eddie was wrong.
He also forgot we almost went on a few dates in high school.
- Ehh, I'm not so sure about that, honey.
- No, I'm sure we did. - Uh, no. Nope.
That didn't really happen. - I'm positive.
- Oh, my God. Your memory sucks, dude.
- I wanna hear the full story. Come on.
- Okay. Okay.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was before Jimmy Bleeder opened Bleeder's Steakhouse.
He had another restaurant called Pounders
where you order food by the pound.
- Ugh. - It was pretty good.
Well, that night I got there early,
and I was looking pretty sharp,
but I had some major butterflies.
So I ordered a pound of onion rings to settle my stomach.
And that's when I saw Vicky,
and she looked incredible.
- Of course, she looked incredible.
She's a Penisi.
- It took her a while to see me.
But when she did, the sparks flew.
And I gotta tell you, I made all the right moves.
I was suave.
I was charming.
I was sophisticated.
Everything was perfect, including the cuisine.
[chuckles]
We had a great time, except for the butterflies.
They got the best of me.
She ended up taking care of me,
and that's when I knew she was the one.
We went on six dates in three weeks.
And the rest is history.
- That doesn't sound like a prank at all.
Sounds like Uncle Eddie killed it.
- Yeah, well, I'm glad you believe in fairytales, Lucy,
but that's not how it went down.
Let me tell you what really happened.
- That was the best podcast so far.
I bet you we double our subscribers after this.
- Cha-chingo!
- It is out in the world.
- That fast? - Oh, baby.
- Oh. - Hi. I'm Rosa Roberts.
I work with Stipe Miocic, the UFC fighter.
[laughter]
- Yeah, and I am the monster from "Stranger Things," hi.
- And I'm the Masked Singer.
- Yeah, and I am the professor--
Hall of famer Willie Mays.
- How can we help you? - I handle PR for Stipe.
You may not know this, but when he's not throwing down
in the ring, he's a firefighter.
And when he travels, he likes to visit local fire stations.
He's outside in the car.
[laughter] - Okay.
- Okay, who put you up to this? Was it Jiménez?
- Classic Jiménez. - Yeah, I'm sure he's still
mad at us about those murder hornets.
[laughter]
- Hey-yo! - Holy shit.
- What's up Station 24?
- Stipe.
- Granny. - Stipe.
- Kaponko Myawani. You can call me Andy.
- Stipe. - Stipe.
- Ha, that's cute. And you are Stipe too?
- Yeah--no. Well--
- Anyway, you guys-- beautiful station.
- Stipe, look, they have a podcast.
"Hook and Chatter." I love it.
We've got approximately 23 minutes
if you want Stipe to do a drop.
- Nah. - That's not necessary.
- Ugh. I love podcasts. I have my own.
It's called "Stipe or Not Stipe."
Kinda like Shakespeare. [forced laughter]
So what do you guys talk about?
- Nothing. - Sports.
- Ah! Sports!
Dude, let's do it. I'm an athlete. Perfect.
- No, don't worry about it.
- Yeah, you don't wanna waste your time.
- Stipe has millions of followers.
It'll boost your podcast instantly.
- Still, no thanks.
- Do you not know how podcasts make money?
- Is it from subscribers and subscribers
or is it because of contrarianism?
- Seriously, I would love to do it.
- Let's take some pics,
record the podcast, and get going.
- Awesome. - Okay, cool.
- We gotta delete the podcast. - I know.
- Lucy, the Penisis are legendary pranksters.
Vicky and I have been going head to head
since we were kids.
- You remember that time I made you believe
you were gonna be on the "Wheel of Fortune?
[laughter]
- I was 12.
- Oh, what an idiot.
- But anyway, with this prank,
I came up with the prank to end all pranks.
I was gonna set Vicky up with the biggest buffoon I knew,
Terrence Leslie McConky.
And he was perfect.
I told him I wanted to hook him up with my sister,
and he was so excited.
So excited he even touched my hair, which is a no-no.
And that's when part two of my plan came into play.
So the day of a date, I challenged Terry
to a shrimp cocktail-eating contest
knowing that a gut full of shrimp would make him
even more unappealing than he already was.
- No, hold on. That did not happen.
- Oh, yes, it did.
- So Vicky got to the restaurant,
and she was looking around for the guy
she thought I was setting her up with.
And when she saw Terry, she looked like she ate a bug.
- Hold on.
How do you know how she looked?
- I was there. - Bullshit.
- I was.
And I was looking real good,
with the clothes, the mustache,
the drink, the hair, but none of that mattered,
'cause once that shrimp cocktail kicked in,
all hell broke loose.
[screaming]
- I did not puke.
- Yes, you did. Vicky, back me up.
- Yeah, you puked. - Ba-boom!
- All right, maybe I got a little bit sick,
but Eddie was not there
and I did not lose a shrimp-eating contest.
- I don't understand.
Why would you do that to your friend?
- We weren't friends.
- What did you say?
- We weren't friends.
- [gasps]
- And this is our briefing room.
- Looks just like my briefing room.
This is where your chief stands and says,
"Do I make myself clear?"
- That's it. - I love it. Exactly.
- That's exactly how he does it every time.
- Should we follow you, Granny?
- No, I'm just going to the bathroom.
- Perfect, it's a good time for Stipe to go too.
- Ooh, good idea.
- Then we'll do the podcast and get going.
- To the bathroom. Hey, when we leave...
- You guys gotta delete this.
- But I don't know how to do that.
- I don't know how to do it either.
- Yo, Granny, come on, nature calls.
Whoo-yeah! [laughter]
- Went to our first Mariners game together in seventh grade.
- It was a school field trip. There were like 200 kids there.
- You were the best man at my wedding.
- Family obligation. Vicky kinda made me.
- Oh, come on Uncle Eddie.
I've heard plenty of stories of you guys,
and they all sound like the premise of a buddy film.
- Name one. - "Bad Boys,"
"Beverly Hills Cop," "Lethal Weapon."
- You're not dumb, are you? You're joking, right?
- He saved your life. - And I lost a nut doing it.
- Yes, and while I feel your pain there,
that still didn't make us friends.
- Okay, fine. We're not buying a boat together.
- Fine. - Fine.
- Hey, just got to clear some space for memory.
- Better, man. I could talk all day.
- Yeah, Stipe uses up mad gigabytes.
- Friends call me "Mr. Gigs." - Oh.
- For all the mad gigabytes I use.
[computer chimes] - There it is.
What needed to be deleted is deleted.
- So you cleared up the memory? - I did.
- All the memories have been deleted.
- We are good. - Yeah.
- Wow, man, you guys are serious about your drive space.
- Yeah. - All right, let's do this!
[all vocalizing]
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to another episode of the "Hook and Chatter."
- Brought to you by Alohair.
- Tonight, we have a very special guest for you.
You may know him as a UFC heavyweight champion,
but we know him as a firefighter.
- And I know you guys as my brothers.
- Thanks, man. - Man.
- Give it up for Stipe Miocic.
- Hey now! [crowd cheers]
- So Stipe, you are in Tacoma for your big fight tonight.
Are you ready for it? - So ready.
- I just wanna jump in here and say
I think you're a great dad.
I mean, some people might say otherwise,
I don't know why they would do that.
I would never personally say something like that.
But just so we're clear on that.
You ready for the fight?
- Hell, yeah, I am. Hey, listen,
I'm hanging with my new best friends.
- Oh, hey! [crowd cheers, horn blares]
He's talking about us. - Hey.
[laughter]
- You are unreal, man! - Oh, gosh.
- All right, guys, hey, I gonna get going,
but I wanna hear your predictions for tonight.
- Oh, well, you're definitely gonna win.
KO in the third round.
- I'll go one step further
and say you'll put him to sleep in round two, champ.
- Excuse me. Hot take, round one.
- I love it. I love it. - Thank you, Stipe.
Good luck tonight on the fight, and thank you out there
for listening to another episode of "Hook and Chatter."
[siren blares, bell rings] - Thanks so much.
- Ah, man, you were great. - That was so fun.
Hey, brothers, I'd go into a fire with you anytime.
- Come here, man. - Buddy.
- Oh, man. - Man! Ah!
- Granny, Andy, Little Stipe,
parting is such sweet sorrow.
[grunts] - Ah.
[gentle music]
- All right. - Yeah.
- Cool.
- I love you guys.
- Hey, go get him, champ!
- For a guy who punches people in the face for a living,
he's a really, really nice guy.
- Right? Nice. - I know.
I feel so guilty for everything we said about him.
- Right.
- Stipe taught me something today,
and now I'm a better person.
- He has that effect on all of us.
Son of a bitch.
- Come here. [sobbing]
- I love you guys. - I love you guys.
I was really scared. [all sobbing]
I was really nervous. [all sobbing]
- Okay, you're not Lucy's godfather anymore.
- Oh, really? - And you're not her uncle.
- Hold on.
- Well, Terry, you can't really declare that.
- I can and I did. - Okay. Knock it off.
- But he said we're not friends.
- He's just trying to push your buttons.
Now, both of you have a seat, and I am going to tell
the story of what really happened.
- We should take the rest of the shift off
and actually go to the fight.
And hang out with him afterwards.
- Dude's been training for months.
He's probably ready to party.
- Hey, we should offer to pay the change fee for his flight
and take him out to the engine house
for like beer wings and shuffleboard and stuff.
- A whole night on the town. - Yeah, he'd probably love it.
- It's Stipe. - No way.
- Ha-ha, dude! - Hey man,
you're on speakerphone. How are you doing?
- What's up, man? We're all here, my brother.
- I just wanna let you know that Rosa downloaded
your last podcast for me while we were taking pictures.
My left is slow?
- What? - My footwork sucks?
I should join the Rockettes?
- No, no, no, no. - I'm a terrible father?
- That was a hot take. - I've got a hot take.
You're fucking dead!
I'm coming back to kick your asses!
- Put it away. Put it away.
- I told you a podcast was a bad idea.
- Just wait, I can't think straight.
Is that a hot take?
- I should have seen it coming.
Eddie said he set me up
with the hottest probie at 24, Dak Blunt.
- Did I say hottest? I meant sweatiest.
- You thought Dak Blunt was hot?
- But I did marry him. Settle down.
I wasn't a fan of Pounders, but I went,
and when I walked in,
the first thing I saw was Eddie's friend.
- He wasn't my friend. - Okay, yeah, we get it.
Anyway, the guy was finishing off a pound of onion rings,
and ehh, I didn't wanna make it weird,
so I avoided eye contact while I looked for my date.
But then I saw Eddie. He was behind a plant.
And you had that stupid mullet.
- If by mullet you mean my sweet ass pompadour,
then yeah, it was a mullet.
- And I realized I'd been duped.
- Cap! Cap! Cap! Cap! - So sorry to interrupt--
- Can we have the rest of the day off?
Just the rest of the day off? - Hey, you know better.
You're in the middle of a shift, go roll some hoses.
- Ah! This way, this way.
- Anyway...
I knew that Eddie thought he had pulled off
this epic prank.
So decided to enjoy myself.
- [mouthing words]
- And then your father puked.
- You didn't enjoy our first date?
- No, Terry, you puked up
like a hundred shrimp and a pound of onion rings.
- How could you even eat onion rings
after you ate all that shrimp?
- What do you eat to settle your stomach?
- I don't.
- How do you not remember the shrimp-eating contest?
- Oh, you know what? I do you remember it now.
I won. [chuckles]
- [grumbles] - I also realized
that the only way to get back at Eddie
was to go on a second date, and a third, fourth,
fifth, sixth, whatever it took to ruin the prank.
- Hold on. How far did this go?
Was I born as a result of you trying to ruin Eddie's prank?
- No, I ended up enjoying myself on the second date.
And after the third date, it wasn't about Eddie anymore.
I was looking forward to spending time with your father.
I thought he was sweet and funny.
- So would you say it was
a love-after-the-third-date kind of thing?
- I thought it was love after the sixth date.
- Wait, was that the first night we--
[chuckles] - Oh, God.
- Stop it. - Yes. Yes, it was.
That was the night I found out
what a phenomenal and generous lover Terry was.
- Oh, Mom, so gross. - Disgusting.
- Guess what.
He still is.
- Oh. Oh, God. - Ugh.
- Hm. - [chuckles]
[both vocalizing]
[gentle music]
- Do you think the three of us could take him together?
- There's only one way to find out,
but I don't wanna find out.
- Should one of us look to see if he's here?
- No way. - "Rock Paper Scissors."
- Okay, okay, okay.
- One, two, three, shoot.
- Hey boys. [both screaming]
- Oh, God! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Dude, it's all just one big misunderstanding, okay?
- You broke my heart!
- We didn't mean any of it. We were just being contrarian.
- It's time for night-night! [all screaming]
- Seems like the joke is really on you, Uncle Eddie.
You set them up and all these years later,
they're still in love.
- Yeah, you're welcome. You wouldn't exist without me.
- I think it's safe to say Eddie's prank backfired on him.
- Still better than anything you ever pulled.
- Is that what you think? - Yeah.
- Luce, Let me tell you about another one.
A few years later, I had a Swedish hairstylist.
She was great at hair, but she was a horrible person.
She was here on a work visa, and she wanted to trap a man
and marry him, so she could get a green card.
- You didn't. - I did.
I knew you couldn't pass up on a tall, blonde,
beautiful Swedish woman.
So I set you up. And then what happened?
- I married her. - You married her.
- Aunt Ulsa?
She's the reason I love lutefisk.
- Me too.
- And after she got the green card,
what happened?
- She divorced me and took half my money.
- [laughs]
- She was a great hairdresser.
And that was a great prank.
[laughs] Oh, my God.
- Holy shit.
- Oh, oh, oh, and while you two were bickering
over whether or not you were friends, I bought the boat.
With my money.
You're welcome to join me on the Yeah Buoy
anytime you want.
- Oh, no, you didn't.
[laughs]
- It's a good name. - Not the hair.
- B-U-O-Y.
- Love you, Mom.
- Bye, babe. - Wow.
But still, the burning question remains.
Who can really eat the most shrimp?
- Mm.
Ahh.
[chuckles]
- Oh, you don't look so good, Terry.
- I feel great. - You gonna quit?
'Cause I'm not. - I like my shrimp extra veiny.
- So do I.
That's where the taste comes from, bitch.
- Stipe Miocic is pounding Bobby Ferapolis
with his left hook.
You can tell he got some extra practice--
- Are you guys ever gonna tell me what happened?
- [groans]
I told you, Luce, he beat us up.
- You're sticking with the story
that the UFC heavyweight champion came here
and kicked your ass?
- Yeah. - If you say so.
- He's got a fire in his eyes.
- Man, he's got shitty footwork.
- Don't say that. - Mm.
They keep getting better.
You okay? Do you wanna stop?
- [groans softly]
- Oh.
- Oh, God. - Oh, yes!
Yes! [chuckles]
I will never let you forget this, Terry McConky.
Never! Ha-ha!
[relaxing music]
♪
- Go. - I'm going.
- It's your turn. - I know whose turn it is.
I'm concentrating.
- Does your fly help you concentrate?
- Yeah, it does. Getting air to the other brain.
- [grumbling]
- [wails] - [growls]
- [laughs] - Ah!
- That reminds me of when I beat you in the shrimp cocktail
eating contest twice.
- You never beat me eating anything.
- Damnit, Terry! Yes, I did.
[relaxing music]
♪
- Two.
- [grunting softly]
- Would you like me to cut your shrimp into smaller pieces
so it'll be easier to chew?
- No! - Ah-ah.
- Okay.
- Oh, watch the hair! -
I need a nap.
- You give up?
- I give up. - [laughs] Again.
- I'm gonna go watch "Judge Jenny Jr."
- Oh, I'm coming with. I'm coming with.
Whoa. Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
Oh, my sciatica!