[screams]
- Uh-huh. And how about here?
- [screams]
- Okay.
First, stop doing six months of flossing
the night before you see me. You can't just catch up.
- Agree to disagree.
- Second, your wisdom teeth are infected.
They need to come out. - What? When?
- Today. - [chuckles] No, I can't.
Today is the Chili Cook-off at the station, and I'm the judge.
- There's literally chili in those teeth.
They have to come out.
- Doc, listen, I've had these teeth all my life.
They fill out my mouth.
They give me a nice long chew-span.
- I told you to do this three years ago.
- Well, why didn't we?
- You said you were judging a Pancake Cook-off.
- That's because I'm a great Cook-off judge.
- And now they're infected.
- Fine. Let's do it.
- All right. I'll get you set up
with plenty of pain killers for post-surgery.
- I don't need it. I mean, it's just oral surgery, right?
It's, like, the lamest surgery there is.
[chuckles] - Careful.
You could wake up with no teeth in your mouth.
- What?
[drill whirring] - [chuckling]
[slow-motion evil laughter]
[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪
[upbeat music]
- The hunter-gatherers have returned!
- And we come bearing great quantities of meat.
- And sour cream.
- What are you watching, Cap?
- It's this cooking show "Chef U.C.K."
- Ooh, I love that show.
- Somebody's reliving the glory days.
- Which ones? - The Chili Cook-off, man.
Just admit it. You retired too soon.
And now there's a new sheriff in town.
Two-time reigning Champion
fighting Granny Smith!
- [chuckles] - [imitating crowd roaring]
- Okay, okay.
I crushed you at the Chili Cook-off many times
before I retired.
- That was when I was a boy.
Face the man now. You see?
- Yeah. Well, my seven Chili Championships are behind me,
and I like being retired.
- You're like Jordan, retiring at the top of your game.
- That's right. Because there were no more challenges,
and there still wouldn't be.
- Whoa. Whoa. - Okay.
And this year is gonna be a little bit different
because I got my uncle's famous chili recipe,
and I'm gonna blow y'all out of the water.
It's called--wait.
It's called--oh, my God.
- You should try a memory word-train.
You say a word
and it makes you think of the next word and so on
until you get back to the thing you were trying to remember.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, I heard that.
So you just, like, say it like a word-train.
Like, like, chili, chili-- chili dog, dog, doghouse,
housework, work, work pants, pants pocket--
hey, my car keys. I didn't even know these were lost.
Thanks, Andy. That works.
- Glad I could help, I guess.
- In honor of the 25th Annual A Shift Chili Cook-off,
I got us a little upgrade.
[chuckles]
[angelic choir singing]
both: Oh, shit. The Chili Chalice.
- [chuckles]
I had them add some effects down at TakeHomeA Trophy.
It was 7 bucks.
50 bucks for insurance, but we can split that or whatever.
Man, look, Cap, you're all over this thing.
2016, Chili Wonka.
- Chili with a hint of chocolate to melt your heart.
- 2015, Chilary Swank,
2014, Winston ChurChili, 2013, Chili Nelson.
- Oh, yeah. That one that gave you the munchies.
- But look at this new blank name space, though.
- I had them add another base
so we can add more names to it.
- All that empty space after my name
makes the Penisi era look like ages ago.
- And I'm okay with because I'm retired. End of story.
- Hey, where's our judge?
- Lucy's driving him from the dentist right now.
The dude just got all his wisdom teeth removed.
- Is he gonna be able to judge? - You tell me.
Lucy just went live-streaming on "Boi-oi-oing."
- [babbles incoherently]
Lower seals! Lower seals! [laughter]
Hey, it's a safari. Wanna go on a safari?
They got lions and tigers.
They got rhinoceroses. They got wildebeests.
Often they have safaris on the Serengeti.
Have you ever been to Serengeti before?
- Man, these videos are so embarrassing.
I'm telling you, that's a good lesson to young people,
though, right? - Yeah.
- Stay away from the dentist.
- No, that's not the lesson.
- I'm gonna get one of those squirrel suits.
You wear a squirrel suit before?
- No, Dad.
- You can fly off cliffs with 'em. They're skin tight.
Super tight. It's skin tight. - [laughing]
- Lower seals! Lower seals!
I don't know why the seals won't go down.
- Wow, you are Boing-ing like crazy.
- Lucy, is this real life?
[upbeat music]
Hey. Whoo!
Throw me in the ball pit. - He is lunchmeat.
- What's up, Eddie! Hey.
You wanna ride the rollercoaster with me?
Oh! - Whoo.
- Ah! - [chuckling] Yeah.
- [laughs] - That's a good one.
- Hey, hey! - Hey.
- I got an owl box. - I know.
- You know I got an owl box? - I helped you put it up.
I helped you put it up. - I put it in my backyard.
I have a rodent problem. You know rodents?
- Yes.
- Owls eat rabbits, gophers, skunks, moles, monkeys.
- Do you have monkeys on your land?
- Yeah, gopher monkeys. - Gopher monkeys?
- Yeah. You ever seen gopher monkeys before?
- No. What do they eat? Underground bananas?
- They eat rocks. - A rock monkey?
- I wish things could always be this way.
- Hey, I saw you on the social media.
- The social media, huh? - Yeah.
- Well, did you see that I was kind of blowing up?
- You know, there are people-- - Hey, hey.
- Who don't like those kind of videos.
- Did you know I got an owl box?
- Especially dentist ones. - Hey, I got an owl box.
- And this is one of them. I know.
I helped you put up the owl box.
- I don't mean to interrupt. Go ahead.
- Do you know how hard it is
to get a video to spring on Boi-oi-oing?
He got me 100 re-bounces. I mean, if he keeps this up,
he could be the next Cranberry Juice Guy.
- How come my legs don't go up? - Did you ask his permission?
- Yeah. I mean, of course I asked him.
- You like pickles? - I love pickles.
- Dill? - Dill, fried.
- Gherkins? - How do you not love this?
- Just be careful. - I got it. I got it.
- Nice one, Chief.
- Whoa, who's this guy? - Andy.
- Is he real, this guy? - Yeah, he's real.
- Yeah. Hey, are you excited about a little Chili Cook-off?
- Oh, it's gonna be super awesome.
- Oh, yeah. - I've been watching it on TV.
- No, we're gonna be doing it here.
- No, it's been on ESPN.
- I was thinking that maybe
I'd use a recipe from the islands.
- Hawaii. - Yeah.
But do you like pineapple?
- I like in piña coladas. - That's great.
- Do you like piña colada? - I do.
- One time when she was 16-years-old,
I caught Lucy drinking piña colada.
- Oh, God.
- Such a great story. - Yeah, thanks, man.
- Well, that's all I needed to hear. Goodnight.
- It's got a lot of vitamins in it.
- Great.
- Hey, when will I see you again?
- Still gonna be here. - Lucy! Lucy!
- Hey, are we gonna do the morning meeting today?
- When is today? - Um, now.
- You don't have to, Chief. - No, let's do it.
Morning meeting? That's my favorite thing.
- Oof. - Be careful, Chief.
[all groaning]
- Kinda looks like a Fruit Roll-Up.
Granny, is he supposed to do that?
- No.
How much more is there?
- Almost done. [groans]
- Ugh. - That hurt.
- Oh, God. - Ugh.
- Good. So that's done. - Enough of that, right?
Right now I'm gonna open the floor up to questions.
- Hey, if we're doing questions, can I--
- Yeah, muscles. Go.
- If you had to get rid of one fire fighter out of all us...
- Uh-oh. - Be honest.
Would it be Andy? - Hey.
- It definitely would not be Andy
because I often use his toothbrush.
[chuckles] He didn't know it,
but, you know, sometimes when I don't have my toothbrush,
I use his toothbrush.
- What did you say?
- I find you to be the most hygienically sound.
[chuckles] - What do you mean?
Like, he got the cleanest mouth?
- Yeah, he's got a super clean mouth.
Look at him. He's like a little, round bar of soap.
- That is so weird, Dad.
- You know what I'm talking 'bout?
- I'm gonna change the subject.
Hey, Chief, I have a question. - Yeah, go, you in the front.
- Will we be getting raises this year?
- Will we be getting racist this year?
Young lady, you're new to this department,
but that's bullshit.
- No, no, no. Raises this year.
- Braces? Andy could use some braces,
if you know what I'm talking about.
- Whoa! - That's rude.
- Chief, c'mon, you gotta lay off with that.
- What is happening?
- Raises! An increase in salary.
- Oh, raises.
I'll tell you what, if I were Andy and I was getting a raise,
I'd use the money to straighten my teeth out.
- Okay, okay. C'mon, c'mon.
- You know what I'm saying? No offense.
- Is this a roast? - Chief.
- And you, stop putting lemon in your hair, Ike.
- What? I'm not putting-- I don't put lemon in my hair.
- It makes your hair a weird color, bro.
- Chief, you need some water.
- Just man to man, I'm telling you.
- Don't use a straw.
The suction can cause dry socket.
- Ooh, dry socket. I don't even know what that is.
- What's dry socket?
- It's when suction pops a blood clot inside the wound.
- You know what this room could use? An owl box.
- C'mon. C'mon, dude. C'mon.
- An owl box, just an owl box. Do you have an owl box?
- How did I not just film all of that?
- Mm. - Hoo.
- ♪ Ah ♪ - Oh, he's back.
- ♪ [vocalizing high notes] ♪
This is great, man.
We should have a Chili Cook-off, right?
- That's a good idea.
- Should we? - Yeah.
- Here's one thing, though. See that blanks space?
What happened to all your champion-shipses?
- I added a base plate to put more names for more winners.
- Yeah, but all the blank space
makes it look like he's never won anything before.
[laughter]
Right? Huh? I'm gonna go have some pudding out of this, okay?
- Go for it. - I'll see you later.
- Okay, take her easy.
- I'll see you guys later. What's up, cup?
- All right. [whistles]
- You guys, we could still do this.
Chief's gonna be back to his old self soon.
- Is he even gonna be able to chew, though?
- Yeah, he'll be fine in a couple hours.
We should definitely do the Chili Cook-off.
- We? - Yeah, we.
If Jordan could unretire, then so can I.
And I'm gonna join this year's Cook-off.
And I'm gonna kick all y'all's asses.
- So this is a recipe from my Hawaiian ancestors,
and Chief says he already loves it.
So I'm excited. [chuckles]
- But here is the big story. Coming out of retirement,
seven-time champion Captain Eddie Penisi.
- That's right, seven time champion. Seven.
- What's it feel like to be back?
- It's like putting on an old slipper. Whoo!
[pot clatters] [laughter]
- Hey, Lucy.
If you're gonna do a show, introduce the star.
Come down here. - Oh, come on.
- My apologies. Granny, tell us what's going down here.
- Well, as two-time defending champ,
I'm getting a little creative,
so I will be making a chili with a zesty cheese base.
- [imitates buzzer] That sounds like a queso.
A chili can be a lot of things, but it's definitely not yellow.
- All right. Ike, what's in your chili?
- Uh, it's a mystery. So.
- Ooh, he's playing it coy, folks.
- No, no, it's actually a mystery to me.
I have no idea 'cause I don't have my uncle's recipe.
I lost it, so I don't know what to do with--
- Ike, you should use the memory word-train.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Just give me one second.
Recipe, recipe book, book, book smart,
smartass, asshole, whole onion.
Whole onion. That's it.
I got tons of whole onions.
[chuckling] Hope you like it spicy.
- All right, Rachael Ray, your turn.
- Okay.
I have a recipe and I have a special ingredient in it
that is going to blow the tits off this place.
And it's vegetarian.
- Vegetarian as in turkey meat?
- No. It's a plant-based beef substitute called
Implausible Meat. [bell rings]
[laughter]
- Do you know who the judge is?
- We call him Chief because he likes chicken and beef.
- Well, over the past few months, I've been mixing
Implausible Meat into his burgers and meatloaf.
I've reconditioned his palate and he has no idea.
- That's implausible.
- Clever girl.
- Son of a bitch.
- That's cheating.
- It's the long game, Granny.
- Whatever. You chilennials can have your fake meat
and your pineapple and your queso.
I just stick to a good, old-fashioned chili.
Keep It Simple Stew-pid.
- I think I know what my Dad likes.
- Well, I've known your Dad
since his cholesterol was under 300.
- You knew him in the womb? [laughter]
Hey, Chief, we were just talking about you.
- Your ears must be burning. - [groaning]
Why's everybody standing around?
It doesn't take all day to bake chili.
- Oh. I think his anesthesia wore off.
- What's that? Fruit in your chili?
- Yeah. - Hot fruit's disgusting.
- But I thought you said you were gonna like this, Chief.
I'm calling it Beaña Colada.
- I never said that.
Fruit should be eaten at room temperature
and only when your wife tells you to.
- Hey, Chief,
remember coming back from the dentist this morning?
- I remember everything. You guys are lucky
nobody video'd me because it would be trouble.
There's nothing worse than those stupid videos
with those pathetic idiots coming home from the dentist.
- They do get a lot of boings. - It's an invasion of privacy!
Ow. [sighs]
The pain in my mouth is getting exponentially worse.
And I'm hungry. So we're gonna do
this chili contest in exactly one half hour.
[groaning]
- Hey, is your dad taking his medication?
- They gave him pain pills but he won't take 'em.
- Why not? - He says he doesn't need them.
- Ugh. Why do old, white men do that?
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Don't look at me. I love medication.
And I'm not old.
[upbeat music]
- [groans]
- C'mon, dude, you don't have to suffer through this.
Lucy brought your medication.
You should take it. Here. Yeah.
- I don't need pain meds.
I'm a McConky. McConkys can handle pain.
- You had oral surgery, man. - So what?
My wife gave birth without drugs.
I think I'm man enough to handle a little toothache.
Dismissed! - [sighs]
- 20 minutes!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- [slow-motion laughter]
♪ ♪
- Done. With eight minutes to spare.
- Figures. Old people love to eat early.
- [chuckles] That's cute, Granny.
I remember my second championship.
- And I'm on my way to my third.
- Hmm. Well, if you do it,
don't forget to thank the dairy farmers. What?
- There's seven minutes left here,
and everyone is up against the clock
except Granny and Cap
seem to be more interested in slinging zings than chili.
- Lucy, stop messing around!
Live in the moment, for God's sake.
- Okay.
- Why do I still smell pineapple?
- What? - [growls]
- What am I supposed to do?
I already took all the pineapple chunks out of there.
- [groaning]
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- That looks more like sloppy joes.
- This is my Uncle Joe's recipe.
How did you even know we call him Sloppy?
- You made sloppy joes instead of chili.
- Oh, no.
Sloppy joe, Uncle Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe Biden.
biding my time, time's up. I'm fucked.
- [groaning]
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
30 seconds! I need water.
- But--Chief!
Chief, no!
[pop] - [groaning]
- He popped the clot! Dry socket!
[all screaming]
[energetic music]
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no!
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm totally springing right now.
I'm getting so many re-bounces.
I could be an influencer!
- This Cook-off is cancelled! [screams]
[app boinging]
- I like him better with his wisdom teeth.
[chuckles]
[soft upbeat music]
I'm actually happy that the cook-off is over
'cause now I can put some pineapple back into my chili
and have a great dinner.
- I can't believe we did all this work for nothing.
- The dry socket tirade
did get me a shitload more followers.
Implausible Meat even started following me.
- See?
- If only there was a way we could get him to take his meds.
Then he'd be able to judge again.
- And I could get so many more followers.
- The man won't use medicated lip balm.
There's no chance he's taking those meds on his own.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Dad. Here's some chocolate milk.
It'll make you feel better.
♪ ♪
- Hey, Chief, brought your favorite pudding.
- [mouth full] Thank you.
- All right, eat it.
♪ ♪
- You put it in my mouth? - No.
You're supposed to rub it on your body.
Ah!
I don't let my wife touch my neck.
- What neck? You're like a snowman.
♪ ♪
- Mm, that's a good chowder.
- May I? - Hey, take it easy.
- No, no, it's good. This will add flavor.
- I'm on statins.
♪ ♪
[peanut brittle taps]
♪ ♪
I can't eat peanut brittle.
- Oh, 'cause you--you don't wanna hurt your teeth.
- Peanut brittle! It's peanut brittle!
- I know. Sorry.
Idiot!
♪ ♪
- Don't judge me.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Ah. - Hey, what's up, dude?
- What's in the oven? Thought the contest was over.
- So did I. Then I saw you stirring.
- Well, you never know.
Maybe the Chief will suddenly feel better.
- Mm. That's what I thought.
And as you know,
any good firefighter always stays prepared.
- [sniffs] Oh, yeah. Who's making steak?
- You son of a bitch. You're pivoting.
- [goofy laugh]
What's up, guys? - Hey, Chief.
Okay. - Hey.
I'm coming over here. What's up Ike-oroni?
- I'm pretty good. - The San Francisco treat.
- [chuckles] Oops. We good.
- [chuckling] Whoo-hoo! Oh, man, I feel good.
- You look good.
- My neck smells fantastic. Smell it.
- Huh? - You wanna smell it?
- Oh, yeah. - What's it smell like?
- Smells like flowers.
- Piña colada, piña colada. - Yeah, piña colada.
- Piña Colada, right? - Yeah.
So I'm feeling really good.
And I'm thinking the contest is back on.
- Oh! - Sweet.
- You know what? I liked my milk and my pudding so much,
I think you should blend the chilis. Right?
- What do you mean? Like in a blender?
- Yeah, man. That would be dope.
Don't you think? I mean, do you wanna chew?
- No, sir. I mean-- - Do you wanna chew?
- Don't have to chew. - Who wants to chew?
You wanna chew? - No, it hurts my teeth.
- It's too much exercise. Let's cut the middleman, right?
- Okay, yeah. Who needs a middleman?
- Liquefy the bitch. [chuckles]
C'mon, 15 minutes.
Whoa! What's up, man?
What's up? Vertical leap!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[snoring]
♪ ♪
Huh?
What are we waiting for?
- You, your honor. - Oh. [chuckles] Let's begin.
- Andy Myawani's, sir, and I'm presenting to you Beaña Colada.
- That's funny. - Enjoy.
- Beaña Colada.
Mm.
Seems like someone was trying to hide the taste of pineapple.
And we all know hot fruit is not dope.
[dramatic music]
[blows raspberry]
- My submission is Mission Implausible.
- I don't understand it, but okay. [chuckles]
Mm--oh, my God, this is disgusting.
[laughter]
Is this that Implausible Meat shit
that you give me at home? - You knew about that?
- Yeah. This stuff sucks. - Ha!
- Tastes like a house plant took a shit.
Implausibly sucky.
Last place! [blows raspberry]
What's this one all about?
Sloppy Joe's chili. - Oh, you'll like it.
♪ ♪
- Pretty good.
If it was a sloppy joe contest, but it's not.
- No, I guess not. - Disqualified.
[blows raspberry] - Thanks for trying it.
- Hey, Chiefy.
My entry: Keep It Simple Stew-pid.
- All right.
Oh, first of all, you spelled stupid wrong, stupid.
[slurps]
Steak. - Mm-hmm.
- Medium rare.
- Just the way you like it, Chief.
- Potatoes. This is delicious, Captain.
- Wait. Liquefied steak and potatoes?
Are you kidding me?
- Yeah. Well, sometimes
you gotta change your recipe-nizi on the fly.
- Hey, look at that. Appetizers. Cheese All That.
Oh, yeah, man, that's pretty good.
- Dad, be careful. - Chief. Chief.
- It doesn't matter. Can't feel a thing.
- No! - These chips are pointy.
- No! - Oh, gosh.
- Chief. - C'mon, Chief.
- Oh, this is gold.
- You guys want some? all: No.
- Okay, listen up.
I am prepared to announce the winner.
And the winner...
of the contest... [app boinging]
is...
- Dad. Dad, wake up.
- Hey, there he is.
- The winner is...
Beaña Colada. [all exclaiming]
- What? - You hate hot fruit.
- C'mon. - Want one?
- No, thanks. Here you go, little buddy.
- Oh, thank you so much. Thank you, Chief, so much.
Thank you, Chief. Wow.
- Breathe in, man. - [chuckling] Wow.
[sighs]
[crying] Here we are, the champ.
And it started at a little island in Hawaii.
My ancestors went across--
- What the hell are you guys doing?
- What? What are we doing?
- This is how you treat your friend?
Your father? Your chief? - Oh, man.
- And Lucy, you live-streamed him like this out to the world?
- But it's so hard to go viral.
- Vicky, what are you doin' here?
- I saw you on the internet. You're a meme.
- What's that supposed to meme?
[chuckles] - [chuckles half-heartedly]
[imitates rim shot]
- Mom, please don't.
[quirky dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Who's that guy? He looks like an asshole.
[chuckles]
[snoring]
- There he is.
- Look who's name is on the chalice.
[chuckles] Andy Myawani. Whoo!
Beaña Colada. They even got the enye in there.
- Congrats, Andy.
- Thank you. - What the hell?
I can't get into my Boi-oi-oing account.
- That's because I shut it down.
- What? - Oh, no-oi-oi-oi-oing.
- Yeah. When I saw the videos you posted
without my permission, I filed a complaint.
Your account has been suspended indefinitely.
- No, no, no. What about my new followers?
- They took 'em away. - No. Dad.
- And I am banning all employees
from using B-boi-oi-oing in the workplace.
- I think that's a little extreme.
- Pineapple chili. What was I thinking?
Ugh. No more pain meds.
- Hey, don't sweat it, Lucy. Followers shmollowers.
What does social media really get you?
- Yeah, it's not like somebody's in their office
right now saying, "Hey, get that Lucy McConky on the line.
We need to give her a million dollars."
- [chuckles] - Yeah, I guess so.
- Oh, my God. This stuff sucks.
Implausible Meat? Ugh.
Tastes like a house plant took a shit.
- Okay, that's rude.
- I really thought Lucy McConky would be the new face
of Implausible Meat, but I guess not.
- She doesn't even have a Boi-oi-oing account any more.
- Oh, what a loser.
Reach out to that firefighter in Pittsburgh.
The one who made Implausible Mince Meat Pie for her station.
She will be, like, so dope. - Good idea, Becky.
Oh, and she has a cat named Penguin.
Our demo's gonna go insane.
- Oh, my God. I would've never thought of that.
- I know. So innovative.
- Too bad, Lucy McConky.
You will never know how close you came.
Buh-bye.