- Calm down. Just calm down.
He's fine. Just breathe.
He's having an anxiety attack.
- Sir! I need you to look at me.
And breathe, all right?
- He couldn't get out of the room.
- Let's get him out of here.
[doorknob rattling]
This is an escape room.
- I got nothing.
- Okay, there must be, like,
Open this door! Tacoma FD!
- This one's locked, too.
- Bricks!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo. Open the door now!
I know you can see us! Open up!
Jesus, son of a-- Nah, that's not a camera.
- Maybe we can solve the final clues quickly,
and the doors will open.
- "I'm tallest when I'm young
and shortest when I'm old."
- [snaps fingers] Benjamin Button!
- Mm.
- Oh, a candle! A candle gets shorter.
- No. - Bear with me.
- Whoa.
- Who's the 34th president? - Clinton.
- Hoover. - Eisenhower's the 34th.
- How do you know that?
- My gram-gram named me after him.
- B. Eisenhower.
- Just Ike. - B. Ike...
Bike... bike, bike! - Bike, yeah.
Oh, yeah, here it is. Look at that.
Hey, Probie. Ride this thing.
- But of course.
- Here we go. Come on.
- Really go, Lucy!
[light buzzes, all yelling]
- Go faster.
- L. - Hey!
- M. X.
- Come on, Lucy.
- Climax! We all need to climax together!
- No. - Wait.
- They're roman numerals!
- Man, fuck this.
- Oh!
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- Granny, that's nice work.
- What in the hell are you doing?
- Escaping. - That's my wall!
[crashing] - Oh, shit.
- Here's Andy.
[all laughing]
Hey, guys. - That's an entrance.
- Hey, Chief.
- Yeah, we figured it out. - Yeah, we do now.
- I'm having a panic attack. - Somebody help this guy.
[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪
[applause]
Chief Terrence McConky
saved the life of his colleague,
Captain Edward Penisi Jr.,
in the Great Marijuana Dispensary Fire of 2019.
[cheers and applause]
Talk about saving a bud.
Really?
[triumphant music]
Next, for bravery cracking the Tacoma High AV Heist,
I recognize Police Captain Gerald Polonsky.
[applause]
- Pretty nice, huh? - Yeah.
to earn this award.
It'd be funnier if it was in the shape of a bong.
- What do you know about bongs?
- Chief.
- Congrats, Jerry. - Back at ya, Terry.
- Hey. Harry, congratulations again
on your award, my friend-- come here.
- Okay. - Come here.
- Okay, great.
- I'm so proud of you. - Okay.
- Be proud of yourself. - Thank you.
- Hello, Lola.
- Oh, do you two know each other?
- We used to be married.
- Oops. - Yeah.
with him while we were married, so...
- Okay, I'm gonna...
just, uh, go over there and wait for the photo.
- That's great.
- Any day now. Thanks. - Ah...
Oh, that's fantastic.
will be very happy together... forever!
- At least someone was able to put a baby in me.
- Oof. - Yeesh.
- Great to see you, Jerry. Congrats on the award.
- Great to see you, Jerry. What's wrong with you?
- Terry, I am in such a fantastic place.
- With Polonsky? - Do you see this magic?
This is life. This has changed me.
Edward Penisi III doesn't want his dad wallowing in pettiness.
- Edward Penisi III?
- Yeah, or Trey, as I will call him.
Terry, family's important. We're blood.
- I'm your brother-in-law. - Exactly.
And you and my sister gave me these beautiful nieces.
Now it's my turn.
- I thought you were gonna wait to find out the sex.
- We are, but your mom shared some medical knowledge with me
the night that Terry saved my life.
Boys are made when a woman has an orgasm during conception.
No offense.
[both giggling] - You're the best, Lola.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Ugh.
Who wants froyo?
- Yeah, sounds good. Girls?
- Let's do it. Come on.
[rock music]
- Oh, here's one in the first race.
Check this out. Burning Sensation.
Any horse with a name like that is a winner.
- I'm not so sure your "name of the horse" method is sound.
- Uh, I won with Flammable Lector.
Okay? [laughs]
That name was a sign.
- Ike, you know the horse's name has no bearing
on its performance, right?
- Oh, here's one in the third race.
Cherry Oats of Fire. [laughs]
Come on!
- Happy payday, everyone. - Hey!
- Don't gamble it all in one place.
- Hey. - Yeah.
- You said it.
- Yes. - You got it.
So we got date of birth.
Couple other fun ones.
- I want March 28th. Ooh, and webbed feet.
- Uh, let me do third nipple.
- Club feet and circumcised.
- You people are wasting your money on these exotic bets.
This kid's gonna be perfect.
- Yeah. - No, of course.
- [grunts]
- Well, we've gone over the $5,000 mark!
[all cheering]
- I'm about to win some money off of a baby.
[dreamy piano music]
- Dear Trey,
I'm writing this journal so you'll have guidance
on your path to becoming a man.
I've learned many things in my 40-plus years.
I now pass that knowledge to you.
First...
fake breasts.
Some will tell you they're unappealing.
But I find them to be fantastic.
[sighs]
- He's gonna break though. A pitch back!
- Take that, bitch!
You want to take a break? You want to take a break?
Wait, my-- - Yes, touchdown!
- My controller. Come on.
- Double or nothing. - Yeah, all right, all right.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes. - Meatball roulette?
- What's meatball roulette?
So, you buy in. You chew it up.
And then the winner gets the pot.
- Trust me. You'll know.
The money is the consolation for the pain.
- In my day, we cooked a nail into the meatball.
- You in, Chief? - Yeah, what the heck?
- [chuckles] All right.
20 bucks in the pot, please.
Thank you, Chief.
- Three, two, one, eat.
[rock music]
- Nope. Not that one. - Think I'm good.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think we got a winner.
- [moans]
[all laugh]
all: No, no, no, no.
- You can't drink. You can't drink.
If you drink, it's all null and void.
You have to eat the whole meatball to win the money.
- Sorry.
- But there's no crying in meatball.
[all cheering]
- Nice work.
- Can I have water now? - Yeah, drink the water.
Only milk is gonna help.
- You could say I'm on fire.
- Is that the biggest one? Is that the biggest one?
- You know what? It is. - Okay.
- Let's go over here so I can win my money back.
- Oh, you guys gonna play some more video games?
Is that what you're gonna do? [chuckles]
On payday, we sat around this table,
and we played a good old-fashioned game of poker.
- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?
Let's play.
- You made me pay rent when I was 16.
- Nobody likes a freeloader, Lucy.
- Well, now's my chance to win it back!
Are you guys in? - All right.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I'm gonna go get Cap. - We don't need him.
We've got a good number right here--five.
- He's gonna want to play.
- Yeah, why not? The whole station.
- You gonna eat that?
- Uh, no, I wasn't gonna.
- You're not even halfway through your first--
- Well, you know... - Okay.
[dreamy piano music]
- Son...
the hardest I ever laughed
was the time I met a Dutch fellow whose name was
Fartin.
So just know, windmills and clogs
aren't the only funny things in Holland.
- Cap? Oh.
You're up there. - Yeah.
- Hey, we're about to start a game of poker.
- No, thanks, Luce.
You'll understand one day when you have kids.
- You don't have kids yet.
- Someday you'll get it.
- Just wanted to extend the invite.
- Hey, Luce. Little fatherly advice.
Be careful gambling with these guys.
They can be pretty cutthroat.
- Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm gonna fleece all of them,
including my dad.
- Your dad sucks at gambling.
I bet he didn't want to invite me.
See, over the years, I've discovered that your dad
has several tells.
- Can you tell them to me?
- When your dad gets good cards
and he sees them for the first time,
And when he's bluffing,
- Awesome. Thank you.
- Use those tips judiciously.
You abuse them, you poke the bear and ruin everything.
You got it? - Don't you worry.
I don't poke bears.
- We got ourselves a ringer!
Lucy wins again.
- All right, just deal.
You produced yourself a talented little gambler.
- Must've come from the Penisi side.
- Maybe the little part. [laughter]
- All right, all right, all right.
- Okay, okay. That's me, right?
I'm gonna go ahead and check.
- I, too, will check. - I'm gonna go for 50.
- Fold.
- Yeah, I'm also gonna fold.
- We're just following the hot hand, Chief.
- Come on! Look at this!
- Wait, so, Lucy, you think you get your gambling prowess
from your Penisi side?
- Yeah, that's why Chief doesn't want
Uncle Eddie to play. - Not true.
- [chuckles] Except you.
- Gotcha, Chief! - Damn!
- Yeah! - All right, you know what?
That's part of the game, my man.
- No more laughing either.
- We can't laugh at the poker table?
- Yeah! - Hey, Ike, try it and see.
- Seriously?
- How about 100 in? - 100, sure.
- All right, let's see this flop.
Super-fun flop.
- All right, you know what? I'm all-in.
- Call.
- Ooh! - Really?
- Did you not see my hand from last time?
- Oh, yeah, I saw it. - Fold.
- Uh, yeah, I'm gonna fold.
- Let's see what you got. - McConky verse McConky.
Two pair! Whoa, man!
Well done!
- Don't worry about it. - No, no, no!
Oh! He had a king high!
That's all he had! What a bluff!
- All right, you know what? This game's over.
- It's over for you, 'cause you're out of chips.
- Oh!
- No, no. This game's over for everyone.
And I'm not just talking about this game, okay?
It's become clear to me
For the benefit of everyone,
I am banning gambling indefinitely.
- Wait. - We're firefighters!
We gamble at life! - Yeah!
- Dad, you're being so dramatic.
- It's Chief. Someday you'll thank me.
No more gambling!
[country rock music]
- Too bad. You were on a hot streak.
- This hot streak ain't over
because we are not gonna stop gambling.
- Trey-Trey,
ask her, "Why do you hate the environment so much?"
[eagle screeches]
Then have sex outdoors.
[sighs]
- Uh, why are you sitting like that?
- It helps me think.
- I wish my dad left me this kind of wisdom.
- I prefer a journal.
- You know I am.
I'm not even sleeping in the nude anymore.
- Wow. That's a big step.
- I'm practicing wearing underwear in case
I have to save Trey-Trey in the middle of the night.
- You sleep nude in the station every night.
- Yeah, but now I'm a dad.
- I get it, man. Being a father is hard.
- Well, maybe for you, it is.
- No, it's hard for everyone.
- Yeah, well, when you have all girls.
- Whatever kind of kid you have, it's hard.
- How would you know? You have all daughters.
- You have no idea what you're in for.
The one thing you've never been able
to handle in your life is commitment.
- What do you mean I can't handle commitment?
I've been married twice. - Exactly.
You can't go around cheating when you have a kid.
- I'm settled. I'm a changed man.
As a matter of fact...
[gong rings]
I want you to have my throwing stars.
- Really?
Please take them. - Okay.
- They look good in your hands, Terry.
- You know, maybe I misjudged you, Eddie.
I'm proud of you, man. - I'm proud of myself.
[serious music]
[rock music]
♪ ♪
- Oh!
- No matter what you do, girl,
I'm gonna beat you!
I can beat you with a sock, with my hairbrush.
I'll beat you with a loaf of bread.
What's up?
- Nah, man. You down 200 bucks.
- Anyways, does anybody think we should cool it
with the gambling until Chief relaxes?
- Hard no. Double or nothing.
- Okay. - [whistles]
Hello, everybody! - Hey, hey!
- [clears throat] You guys playing a game?
- No. - Yes.
- Why are you using a shoe?
- To keep it fun.
- What's the score?
- 6-8. - 5-4.
- Ah, man! Who knows?
- Yeah.
- It's so hard to keep track of Ping-Pong.
- You better not be gambling. - We're not gambling.
- How would you even--
- You said one time, never do it again.
- I'm keeping an eye on you. - All right.
- I know, Chief. - Yes, sir.
- Whoa. - I didn't like that.
- That was so close. - Not even!
I guarantee you we can bet right under the Chief's nose
and he wouldn't even notice.
- You want to bet?
- Liability rules have changed.
Civilians are no longer allowed on the fire pole.
I don't care who you're trying to impress.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Chief. - Yes, Chief.
- Yes.
- Next up, people are not crossing off
If you do not cross off your finished assignments,
we do not know they're finished.
Do I make myself clear? both: Yes, Chief.
- Okay, overtime.
Overtime is available, but all requests must go through me.
Do I make myself clear?
- So, uh, Chief,
can I ask another shift for overtime?
- Uh, no.
All overtime requests must go through me.
Do I make myself clear?
- One more quickie.
The request goes to whom?
- All requests go across my desk.
Do I make myself clear?
- Crystal. - What?
- Damn! - Something wrong Lucy?
- No, Chief. [chuckles]
Have a great day. - Thank you, Chief!
- You can't do that. You baited him.
- Oh, I can, and I did.
Do I make myself clear? [chuckles]
- I'm gonna win that money back.
- Wow, Luce, you lost your whole paycheck.
- I just got to get back to even.
I'll be cool. - Said every gambler ever.
- Hang on a sec.
I think you need to take a little break from gambling.
- What are you talking about?
- I've seen this look before--
the sunken eyes, the unquenchable thirst.
You got a problem.
If you're gonna ride the tiger,
you got to know when to jump off.
- I'm not on a tiger.
- Let me tell you a little story.
In fact, this guy got in so deep,
he bet the pink slip to his car in a game of Acey Deucey,
and he lost.
That probie's name? Terrance Leslie McConky.
- My dad? - Yeah.
And I drove his car around for years.
That McConky didn't know when to quit.
Don't you be that McConky.
[rock music]
- What's up? You wanted me?
- Yeah, I wanted you to see something.
You know what this is, right?
- That's right.
I've ever dated, and I'm gonna toss it.
- Huh, that's a pretty extensive database.
You sure you can part with it?
- It's time. - Hmm.
- [sighs] Okay.
- What are you doing?
- That's weird. Just like a--
No, I have--
- Is this a bit? - It doesn't want to go.
- Stop screwing around. - No, I'm--look!
Look at my hands. It doesn't want to go.
It doesn't want-- it just doesn't...
There we go. I got it.
- I'm proud of you, Eddie. - I feel better already.
- Good for you, pal. - Terry, I'm gonna be a dad.
- Crazy! - Terry, who's gonna be a dad?
- Eddie Penisi. - That's right.
Hey, Terry! I'm gonna be a dad.
♪ ♪
- Excuse me, Chief.
into the meeting room.
Uh, where are the outlets?
- They're in the meeting room.
- Okay. Um, oh, hey.
Don't you think they should be called inlets
instead of outlets?
- Bye, Ike.
Nothing.
He didn't yell at all. Like, at all.
- Y'all want Chief to yell? I got this.
Get your money ready. - [blows raspberry, chuckles]
- Hey, Chief, I got a question. - What's up?
- I need to order more gauze and--
I'm sorry.
Hello?
Yo, T, what's up, man?
Ah, nah. I ain't doing nothing.
[laughing] You so stupid.
Yeah. Yeah, I can pick up you, too.
Yo, what's your address?
Hey. [snaps fingers]
- Really?
- 464. Yeah, I got it.
All right. Bye.
[chuckles]
T is crazy. He funny, man.
He a funny dude.
- You know what, Granny?
and then come back and talk to me.
- [sighs] - Hey, Chief.
Any chance that you finished the string cheese?
- What the goddamn hell?
I don't eat fucking string cheese!
I'm lactose intolerant!
- It's like a fuckin' clown car of idiots!
- Okay, sorry!
- I'm gonna lock that fucking door!
- Ooh, guess who's on a hot streak now, probie.
- [chuckles] - [chuckles mockingly]
- Thank you. - Congrats.
- Hey, guys!
Cherry Oats of Fire won!
- What? - He won!
I told you all I needed was a sign!
- Everybody's winning except for Lucy.
- Oh!
both: ♪ Everybody's winning except Lucy ♪
- [shushes]
both: ♪ Everybody's winning except Lucy ♪
[alarm rings]
- Hey, Granny, when you're back, let's play Ping-Pong.
I-I got to climb out of my hole, man.
- Do you take credit card?
I'm kidding! You know I'm good for it.
- Nobody's gonna take a bet with you, Luce.
So just take a break.
- [groans] [door opens]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
In the third race-- all you need is a sign.
♪ ♪
- [exhales deeply]
Okay.
[bell rings] - And they're off!
Eddie's Bastard is in the lead.
- Hey, run, run, run, run, run, run, run!
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Come on, run you little bastard!
- Oh, hey, it's gonna be tough to catch Eddie's Bastard.
And here they come around the last turn.
Eddie's Bastard has this locked up.
Look out! Eddie's Bastard is down!
- What?
Righteous Living takes the lead.
It's Righteous Living by a nose!
- No! - Righteous Living wins!
And they are putting Eddie's Bastard down!
[gunshot]
Oh, my goodness! You hate to see that!
[trumpet fanfare plays]
- [sighs] It's okay.
You can still fix this.
There is still time to fix this.
- Lola's in labor! The baby's coming!
- Oh, no.
[suspenseful music]
Lola Polonsky's room?
I'm, uh, the father.
- Mr. Penisi? In here.
- Oh, it's time!
- ♪ Who's gonna make this money, y'all? ♪
- Oh, 5K baby, baby.
- Lucy won date of birth. Congrats, probie.
But there is a lot of money riding on everything else.
- I said no more gambling. - You said in the station.
- Stop it, Terry. Baby pools are fun.
- This is bets. - It's a boy.
- Ah! - Man!
- Hey! - Come on!
Lucy again.
- Everyone said girl?
Wait, eight pounds, three ounces.
- Lucy and Lucy? Are you kidding me?
Whoa, whoa, wait! Cap, Cap, Cap!
Can you tell us anything else?
- I can tell you this.
This...
this--this is the best day of my life.
Today everything is gonna be different.
- I got to get a dog. - What was that?
- Mr. Penisi.
Lola would like to introduce you to your new son.
You want to come with me? - Excuse me, nurse.
Was there an epidural? - Yeah, any extra fingers?
- Testicle size, pea, peanut or walnut?
- Pea size! Pea size!
- Baby pool? - Yes.
I got you.
- Walnut! Is it walnut?
- You're gonna make a great dad.
- Oh.
- I am so happy for you!
- Damn, Lucy won every single box!
- What? - Whoa, you did.
Every single thing. You won everything.
- Crushed it. - Hell, yes!
Baby pools are the shit!
- Talk about a sore winner. - Yes!
Whoo! [baby cries]
- [gasps] Oh! - [chuckles]
- Eddie! Oh, he's so beautiful!
- Look at all that red hair.
Oh, that's weird, Cap, 'cause you don't have red hair.
Oh, you know who's got red hair?
Captain Polonsky.
He even looks like Polonsky.
- [laughing]
Oh, my God. That's amazing, amazing.
- Wait, wait, wait. You're happy?
- It's not my baby.
- What about the speech you just made
about how it changed your life?
Anyone who believed I could be a dad is an idiot.
- Well...
then this isn't Eddie Penisi's baby pool.
- That's right! I want my money back!
- But it's not Eddie Penisi's baby pool.
Like look at the name at top of this board.
The bets are all moot. - Yeah!
And they don't count anymore either.
- [chuckles] You got to be kidding me.
- Oh! Did you know?
- Not at all, but I always like to hedge my bets.
- Son of a bitch.
- That makes me the only winner.
So hand over that money, probie.
- But that's just one little bet!
- He's right. The money's his.
- I bet the baby pool money on a horse race,
and I lost it all.
- You bet the baby pool money?
- What? - After I banned gambling?
- You're one to talk-- you lost your car
to Uncle Eddie when you were a probie!
- Okay, well, all the McConky's are bad gamblers,
all Penisi's are known liars,
but my point was you got to know when to quit.
- You're in deep shit, probie! There's gonna be hell to pay!
- And there's gonna be me to pay.
- Penisi! Where is she?
- Congratulations, Jerry. You're a dad now.
- Fuck off.
- These are some life lessons from me to your son.
I kind of feel like I know him
'cause I've been having sex across his skull
for the last nine months.
[all shouting]
I'll take that back.
Okay.
All right, probie, how you gonna pay me that money?
- Do you take credit cards?
- Check the corners.
Books like to wind up in corners.
It's a small black book. You can't miss it.
You find it, I'll knock a few bucks off what you owe me.
- She still owes the bank, too.
- Half hour, tops.
- I bet never. - You know something we don't?
- Yeah, the garbage with the book
got carted off yesterday.
I just like making her look. - Aw, Cap!
[laughter] - Nasty!
- Nah, come on.
I got all that info up in the cloud.
- Ah, the cloud. I love it.
- Okay, okay, so how long until she stops?
- Until I tell her to stop.
- You're on. - Hey, Lucy!
Come on. Let's go.
and the refrigerators,
for the awards ceremony.
Do I make myself clear?
[laughter]
- I love this!
- [laughs mockingly]
- All right, all right.
Let that be a lesson to ya.
You gamble in my station, that's what you get.
- You got it, Chief. - You're right, Chief.
- Sorry.
- Aw, nice doing business with you, Cap.
[chuckles] - Son of a bitch.
- 20 more dollars.
♪ Another sweater for Mom ♪ - So weird, bro.