Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
What the hell?
How does this even happen?
Single puncture wound to the abdomen.
We need to stop this bleeding ASAP.
Don't help me. Help the dummy.
Make sure he's okay.
I'm-I'm just gonna grab it.
Never move an injured person.
- He's right. - Ike, it's not alive.
Does the blonde know mouth to mouth.
Watch it, dummy!
Both of you, stop talking to the dummy.
Sir, what happened here?
- It was an accident. - Isn't it obvious.
He stabbed himself and now he's trying to blame me.
Why are you holding the knife then?
Ike, stop talking to the dummy.
His pulse is dropping.
Lucy, get the heart monitor ready.
- Help my dummy. - Don't get agitated, sir.
Give him CPR! He needs CPR!
Ike, I need this guy to calm down, okay?
- Give the dummy CPR. - What?
Tell him it's gonna be okay.
Hey, it's... it's gonna... It's gonna be okay.
Ike, give the dummy CPR. Andy, talk to the dummy.
I don't wanna talk to a dummy.
Lucy, had me the lead so I can hook this guy up.
Hey, dummy, everything is gonna be okay.
Ike is my friend. He's gonna give you...
We're performing CPR. It's gonna be fine.
It'll be okay. Go, go, go, go.
Go.
- Ah. - Yeah.
Oh, I'm much better now.
Oh, the mouth hole. The mouth hole.
Relax. Stay relaxed.
He's gonna do it again. Relax.
I need both of you.
What in the horrifying fuck?
I don't know.
Oh, my God, we're losing him.
- Lucy, prepare the paddles. - Oh, shit.
- Pinch his dick. - Oh.
Yeah, give it a pinch.
- It'll wake him up. - What the hell?
Oops, sorry, you guys.
A malfunction. He's still alive.
No shit.
You almost pinched his dick.
- I was not gonna pinch his dick. - No, you were close.
I'm just gonna take the knife.
- Touch it and die! - Whoo.
Wow, big storm.
- Supposed to go all day. - Yeah?
Hey, you guys wanna play a game?
Hey, let's start a new show.
Bet you we could binge our way through a few episodes.
Let's watch "Queer Beer."
It's about those fabulous guys that own a brewery.
I watched the first season. It's pretty good.
How 'bout "Fresno Fire"?
Nah, sitcoms about firemen are lame.
There's maybe one fire per season,
and there's a black guy, an Asian guy,
a woman, one dude who you don't realize is Latin,
a bunch of white people, you know what I mean?
Hmm, hey, we could jump back into "Montana Bush."
No, I don't love nature shows.
Thought that show was about something else.
- What? - Teenage pop star
who was a landscaper.
- That's impossible. - Ooh, you guys!
How about "Mrs. Winchester?"
- Never heard of it. What's that? - Oh, that's a British show.
No! No foreign language stuff.
Hold on, hold on, just listen.
"As Britain enters World War II,
"one woman makes a difference, Mrs. Winchester.
"This small-town nurse is determined to tend
to Briarfield Township while also solving crimes!"
Mrs. Lamechester.
What's with you and these British shows anyway?
They're critically acclaimed and strongly acted.
Really quite bully.
That show sounds like bully-shit.
♪ Well I missed the things that I used to do ♪
♪ So I went and bought me a bag of chew ♪
♪ Hocked in my truck without a care ♪
♪ And drove it through the sassafras air ♪
God, sassafras air. So colorful.
- ♪ Oh yeah ♪ - Oh.
We need to talk.
Hey, do you like country music?
- Not particularly. - I've been getting
- into it lately. - Uh, listen...
Lyrics tell such great stories,
about memories and days gone by,
especially this band Leigh Weigh.
- Have you heard of them? - No. But Chief...
- They're my new favorite band. - Awesome.
You should write about it in your yearbook.
We have a problem. There's a firefighter blog
coming from this station that's sharing
a lot of dirty laundry on the Internet.
A blog? From my station?
Tacoma Station 24. Look for yourself.
Search for "Fired up in Tacoma."
- Really? - I'm sure you're aware
we have a zero-tolerance policy on social media
by municipal employees.
Hey.
- Station 24, "A" shift. - Mm-hmm.
I can't see my guys doing this.
Oh, look at this, "Our chief is an authoritarian,
overweight blowhard."
Well, there you go, it couldn't possibly be my station.
Yep, well, we don't need this stuff out in the open.
It's already racking up a lot of views.
Put a stop to it.
Okay, well, I'll tell you what.
I don't think it's us, but I will sniff around.
Thanks.
Mrs. Winchester, whatever is the bother?
Lord Hastings, we both know the bloom on the rose
is oft not wet.
What does that mean?
Things aren't always what they seem.
And then she and Lord Hastings are related?
- Shh. - No, I just don't understand
the relationships, man.
- Just watch then. - I'm just lost.
Here, let me rewind it then.
No, you can't rewind streaming.
Just watch, man. No, no, no, that's too far!
- Okay, I'll fast-forward. - No, no!
That's the end of the episode!
And that is how Tilda Fowlington killed the boot-binder.
No!
How'd you get us to watch this snoozefest
- in the first place? - What's a bootbinder?
- Hey, can you guys pause that, please? - Gladly.
Okay, it has come to my attention
that there is a blog coming from this station.
A blog?
That's so five years ago.
I just want to know if any of y'all
are blogging about station business.
Y'all?
Is anyone here doing a blog or building or blog
or writing a blog or whatever it is you do with a blog?
Yeah, I blog right after I record my makeup tutorials.
My unboxing videos have a huge following.
Yeah, and I'm more of a vlogger.
Yeah, I got a blog about a...
That's so stupid.
Great, anybody else? Anybody else got one?
Funny, funny stuff, but listen to me.
If I find out that anyone from this station is blogging,
I will cancel the Hulu subscription.
No, no, no, we watch so much on Hulu!
- Take it back! - Carry on.
Can I see you in my office, please?
- Am I in trouble? - Come on, let's go.
What is going on? A blog?
By the way, do not start watching
- a new TV show without me. - Yeah, whatever.
You're just gonna go to sleep anyway.
Not if we find a show better than "Mrs. Winchester."
You got that?
I'm the captain.
♪ Well the way she looked made me wanna sing ♪
♪ So I grabbed a beer and my old six-string ♪
♪ We sang about blue jeans and black beans ♪
Okay, what did I do? What did I do?
♪ And being 18 and farm machines ♪
What the hell are you listening to?
Leigh Weigh.
Why are you listening to Leigh Weigh?
'Cause they're an awesome band.
Okay, Leigh Weigh is not a band. It's a guy.
That's his name. Lee. Way.
Oh, that makes sense. Okay. Leigh Weigh's a guy.
Like Jethro Tull or Lynyrd Skynyrd.
How is that I know more about Leigh Weigh than you do?
- I'm just getting into it. - You know, if I had a dime
for every one of my midlife crisis friends
who found country music, I'd have a lot of dimes, Terry.
Hey, this guy sings about things that speak to me.
All right, like, being the boss
and driving on the open road
- and windburn. - Yeah.
- Chili cook-offs. - So cool.
- Smell of wheat fields. - You like wheat fields?
- Gossamer spider webs. - Yeah.
- Cool, all right. - Check this out.
♪ Well it's tough to be ♪
♪ The lone big dog ♪
♪ Barking by myself in the hazy fog ♪
- ♪ I can picture... ♪ - Okay, look.
I like country music too,
but this dude sucks.
Agree to disagree.
All right, listen, this blog thing.
- Is this you? - You really think it could be?
It's the kinda shit you do for laughs.
Remember when you sent me the John Travolta picture
with the personalized signature on it?
I do. I do.
"Dear Terry, keep staying alive.
Best, Johnny."
You denied that for three years.
Yeah, that was the perfect amount of time,
but this is not me, and you really think it's one of us?
Come here, look at this.
Huh? This is right on the nose.
Tacoma FD. Station 24. "A" shift.
"Our captain thinks he's got a good dye job.
"He's not fooling anyone.
"His hair is as white as a polar bear's muff.
"He also has textbook Peter Pan Syndrome.
He's so immature, no one takes him seriously."
This is on the goddamn Internet.
Who the hell do these people think they are?
I'm gonna go straighten somebody out.
Okay, hold on, hold on.
We don't know who this is yet, okay.
- Don't go out there half-cocked. - I'm going out there full-cocked.
Why does this guy have an accident?
It's Dave Bautista.
He's a fur trapper in the frontier of 18th century Canada.
And then what's with that piano?
Just stop. He's also teaching music
to the other fur trappers on the frontier.
- What? - Shush!
I will trade me furs for an ivory piano,
and we will sing and dance with the beavers.
You're not gonna sing with beavers.
- Quiet, please! - It doesn't make sense!
I'm not watching this any longer than you have.
No, no, no, Captain, don't... don't-what?
I wanna know right now who's writing this goddamn blog.
- Whoa. - Again with the blog?
Yeah, and who's the Peter Pan Syndrome expert?
- Wait, the what? - Someone accused me
- of having Peter Pan Syndrome. - Like you wanna fly?
It means he doesn't want to grow up.
Seems like he already has. I mean, how old are you, Cap?
None of your fucking business.
And to whoever wrote this, I do not dye my hair.
Your hair looks great.
- Calm down, Cap. - Yeah, calm down.
Hey, you should watch the new show with us.
It's called "Pelts." Dave Bautista's an 18 century
fur trapper in the Canadian frontier,
and he also runs a music school for the other trappers.
- Andy loves it. - Not into it yet.
I don't wanna watch a new show.
I wanna get to the bottom of this.
You guys should check out this blog. It's pretty incriminating.
I have a feeling it's Granny. I mean, he likes to write.
Dude, you're the one who likes to gossip.
- What? I do not. - Okay, well, I set my phone
to alert me anytime a new blog drops.
All right, you've been warned.
Cap, no one here is blogging.
Aw, man!
- Great, that's... - Aw, come on!
- Hey, nobody go anywhere. - Somebody hit the genny.
The one that always sticks.
Yeah, great.
- Oh, there we go. - Good.
Bingo. New blog just dropped.
Someone sent a blog in the dark?
- That's crazy. - It says here
that captain just found out about the blogging,
and he's pissed. Stay tuned.
Someone in this room is blogging.
And we're gonna find out who.
- Got a new blog post? - No, I'm sleuthing.
"To Catch a Blogger," huh?
So you're reading a blog about how to catch a blogger.
Yeah, well, who better to help with a blog hunt
than a blogger?
Says here misspelled words
and unique phrasing are red flags.
Our blogger happens to misspell the word "exhilarating"
- quite a bit. - Huh.
How do you spell exhilarating?
E-X-I-L-I-Rating.
Wrong. Maybe you're the blogger.
- Maybe you're the blogger. - What are you doing?
I'm taking Leigh Weigh's words to heart.
I'm setting up a face-to-face here.
I'm gonna look a man dead in the eye
'cause then they can never lie.
Like a frog on a frozen pond
or a wizard with a magic wand.
You're gonna zap the blogger with a magic wand?
No, I'm gonna do what Leigh Weigh says
and I'm gonna have a face-to-face.
You are neck-deep in the school of Leigh Weigh, aren't you?
Well, 'cause he's cool and he's tough, like all men should be.
You know what this guy looks like?
Come here. You don't know what this guy looks like, do you?
This is your guy right here.
Huh.
I didn't know he spelled his name that way.
Leigh Weigh.
That's your takeaway when I show you this photo?
This dude's a poser.
Yeah, well, I don't judge a book by its cover.
So what if he wants to enjoy the latest trends
in hair and fashion?
Doesn't make his music any less poignant.
- Yes, it does. - You guys.
I think I have a handle on finding this blogger.
I'm gonna do some deep dive investigating.
Well, I appreciate that, Granny, but at this point
everyone's a suspect.
Chief, a wise woman once said,
the bloom on the rose is oft not wet.
- What does that mean? - Things aren't always as they seem,
and that's where we have to start.
Tell you what, how 'bout the three of us
start right here? Pull up a chair, partner.
- Partner? - It has to be Granny.
The guy loves to write. You've seen his reports, right?
Yeah, he's in Chief's office right now
probably trying to throw him off the scent.
Yes, exactly.
Hey, who's up for some more "Pelts"?
- I am hooked. - Now's not the time, Ike.
Really? Bautista is about to play a concerto
for the Iroquois chieftain and his daughter.
- I think we're cool. - Pretty big moment, right?
- Nah. - I'm not kidding.
- I'm gonna start it right now. - Okay.
"Pelts!" Argh!
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Oh, cool, cool, cool. Okay, great.
Don't come crying to me later, okay?
- There's no chance it's him. - No way.
- Need anything to drink? - Nope.
You sure? Soda, coffee, water?
I'm good.
I gotta give it to you, man.
The writing on that stuff's really good.
- Where do you come up with it? - With what?
- The blog stuff. - Oh, it's not me.
Come on, it's got your fingerprints all over it.
The writing reads just like your incidence reports.
- I don't think it does. - Oh, no?
Spell "exhilarating."
E-X-E...
Wrong.
Where does Granny keep his laptop?
He's constantly on his phone.
That's what we need to pry away from him.
Under the bed is just candy wrappers and puppets.
Wait a minute. Hello.
Since when does Granny care about technology
- and the Internet? - And look at the main article!
"To blog or not to blog."
Oh, shit, we got him!
Hey, what the hell are you all doing?
Oh, cleaning. We're cleaning up your...
- Your bed is made. - You know what? Enough!
Granny, we know it's you.
Look what we found under your bed.
- That's not mine. - It was under your bed.
Look at the name.
Yeah, right, like I'm supposed to believe
that Ike gets "Blog AF."
The bloom on the rose, it's oft not wet.
Ugh, stop it with the "Mrs. Winchester" crap.
Andy, you're up. Chief's office now.
Up for what?
Interrogation.
- Was this always here? - Don't worry about that.
Hey, man, I just wanna shake the hand of the blogger.
Hey... whoa, no.
How many blog posts have you already done now, huh?
I just like shaking hands. You extend your hand,
- I'm gonna take it. - Come on, Andy!
Admit it, you're a tech-savvy guy.
- What, because I'm Asian? - 'Cause you're a wiseass.
Cool it, Chief.
Did you do a blog called "Andy and D"?
My "Dungeons & Dragons" blog in high school.
You know, it sounds like you're super familiar
- with blogging. - Uh.
Spell "exhilarating."
- X... - Wrong.
Granny tells me you got yourself a burner phone.
- No, I-I don't. - You calling him a liar?
Okay, well, my phone broke, and I got a temporary one,
but it's not a "burner phone."
This temporary phone of yours,
does it have Internet capability?
- Yes. - So hypothetically,
you could be writing all this stuff,
and none of it would be traceable to you.
What are you guys gonna do, trace my IP address?
What's an IP address?
Spell "exhilarating."
Uh... can I use my phone?
- Don't touch your phone. - No, no, no, no, no.
E-X-H-I-L-A-R-A-T-I-N-G.
You're the only person who got that right.
Yeah, um...
You seem kinda fidgety, huh?
- Nervous. - No, I'm not...
Just 'cause, um...
I... it's my time with the TV, and they... I'm...
I really want to get back to watching "Pelts."
The British have banned the playing of all music
on the frontier, and now Bautista is being driven
deeper into the wilderness just to play music.
- Who's Bautista? - Dave Bautista.
- The actor. - Wrestler.
He was a wrestler. He's a critically acclaimed actor now.
He's the lead actor in "Pelts."
He plays Jeremiah Pelt.
Here's the thing, Andy messes with stuff,
and I think he's gonna fast-forward it,
and then when I get there, it's, like, the next episode
and I've missed a bunch of stuff.
I watch my television seriously.
I take Dave Bautista seriously.
I take the show "Pelts" very seriously.
I know it seems like I'm...
Tell you what, man. Confess and this will all be over.
You'll be out there watching "Pelts"
with your buddies in no time.
Wait, is that true?
Yeah, just say the word. "Pelts."
- Sending a new blog post? - Oh!
- Oh, you're a little jumpy. - Oh, yeah?
Gonna write about that in your new blog?
That's exactly what I would expect a blogger to say
who didn't want anyone to know he was blogging.
- Guys, they found the blogger. - Who?
- It was Ike. - Really? No way.
He confessed.
- Come on. - What? That is impossible.
Yes, okay? I did it.
Whatever. Sorry.
It's the writing. It doesn't sound like you.
What's that supposed to mean, Granny? I write good.
And you're not really a tech guy.
I read "Blog AF" magazine, Andy.
Ever heard of it?
Yeah, where did you get that?
Came as a bonus mag in my "Chiseled AF."
Okay, I haven't got around to reading it quite yet,
because I misplaced it. Is that a crime?
- What did Chief say? - Nothing.
Oh, he said that I can start watching "Pelts" again
if I clean up the bathrooms
and hoses and the turnouts and stuff.
So you made a deal to confess
just so that you could watch "Pelts" again?
Oh, my God! I did it, okay?
I'm the blogger. I admit it, I'm sorry.
Eh, it was me! What do you want?
Leave me alone.
What was that?
You don't know what thunder is?
No, I didn't say... what?
No, councilwoman, not a blog post since.
The blog is shut down.
You can call me the sheriff.
I cleaned up this town, put the bad guys down.
That's Leigh Weigh.
By the way, it's a guy, not a band.
Oh, yeah, I gotta go too.
Great. Bye now.
♪ And the sheriff cleaned up that town ♪
♪ After he shot those Pettis Brothers down ♪
♪ Not one soul thought he could ♪
♪ But he and his horse knew he'd make good ♪
- Yeah. - ♪ Oh yeah ♪
Is there really such a thing as a sex addict?
Shh, Cap, Cap, come on.
That seems like a stretch.
Like that's really a problem?
Hey, Granny, just started this new show.
Just a couple episodes in if you wanna join in.
Oh, thanks for the invite at the beginning.
You can catch up anytime. It's pretty straightforward.
- What is it? - It's about this guy
struggling with sex addictions
so he cries when he masturbates.
It's called "Tearjerker."
- Oh. - It's the best show on TV.
Yeah, except all these limited interruptions suck.
This episode of "Tearjerker" is brought to you by
Sniff-X Tissues.
Ooh, that one has lotion in it.
Guys, I've been going over this blog,
and something isn't adding up.
I get no sense that it was Ike.
No, he confessed. I was there.
It bothers me too.
I just don't think Ike could have done it.
It's like in "Meet the Fockers"...
No, no, no, no, no. Please, please, please.
- I haven't seen it yet, so... - It came out 15 years ago.
It doesn't matter when it came out.
I just haven't seen it and I don't want any spoilers.
You gotta watch it. That movie's dope.
- What are you guys watching? - It's a show about a guy
who cries when he masturbates, called "Tearjerker."
- Huh. - I get where he's coming from.
- Is it porn? - Not yet.
Hey, Chief, I don't think Ike is the blogger.
No, he's the guy, since he confessed
there have been no more blog posts.
There may be an innocent man in there cleaning toilets.
- Sounds like guilt. - Say what?
If it's not him, then it has to be you.
Shh, guys, guys, guys, it's coming back on.
- Yeah. - All right, hold on.
You know what? Give me that.
- Oh, come on. - Pause it, pause it, okay?
He's about to cry!
Now come on.
We're gonna talk this Ike thing through as a crew.
- What is this? - Oh, really?
Yeah, it's just a little Americana background music
so we can figure this thing out.
"Fresh Cut Grass and a Piece o' Ass."
That's what we're listening to right now, Chief?
- Come on, man. - This Leigh Weigh clown
isn't even American. He's French.
- She's right, Chief. - What?
He's part of the French country new wave.
I thought he was American.
That makes this whole thing even better.
Look at him, sacre bleu!
Well, you know, that's all right, we like the French.
- You hate the French. - No, I-I love the French.
_
It's a beautiful language.
What the...
- New blog post just dropped. - Ike, get in here right now!
No, no, no, I took away all of Ike's electronics.
We watching "Pelts" now?
Toilets are clean. Try 'em out, boys.
"Paramedic is so lazy he's either always on his phone
- or napping." - "Cap thinks he's sexy,
but he actually smells funny." Funny how?
"The lady probie has a higher salary
than the next senior officer." Is that true?
- I don't know. - "The dumb guy reads
tech magazines to make himself seem smarter."
"The Chief is a Leigh Weigh fan,
"and doesn't even know he's playing Tacoma next week.
Hope he doesn't ask me to go."
Huh. Is Leigh Weigh really playing Tacoma next week?
Better bone up on your French.
- Who's doing this? - Granny's been on his phone.
- So has Andy. - I was writing a review
for "Tearjerker" on Au Gratin Tomatoes.
Check the site.
Maybe these things are on a time release.
Shit, Linda Price.
Station 24, extrication.
Man stuck in appliance.
458 White and Preston.
Okay, we're all gonna go on this call together,
and I'm gonna keep my eye on everyone.
And if I see anyone type anything,
there will be hell to pay.
Move out!
So you meant to get in there?
Yeah, I thought it'd be funny to jump out and scare my wife.
- And was it funny? - Well, I scared her for sure,
but now I'm stuck and she's pissed.
All right, let's get him outta there, come on.
I don't know, feeling pretty lazy.
Maybe if I wasn't so dumb,
I'd figure out how to get him out of there.
Maybe we should have Lucy do it
since she gets paid more than me anyway.
- I do not get paid more. - How much do you get paid?
- No, tell me first.
- Guys, a little help. - All right, enough, enough.
- Okay, guys, get him up. - All right, let's go.
- Man, you do smell. - You smell.
- Your mama smells. - Ow.
The sooner we get him outta here,
the sooner we get to watch more "Tearjerker."
You guys watch "Tearjerker?" That's the best show on TV.
Yeah, we think it's pretty good.
Can you believe that guy's wife
thought he was a peeping Tom and shot him dead?
- No! - What is wrong with you?
- What? - Do you guys watch "Pelts"?
No!
Can I at least check my texts?
I have plans tonight.
I said no electronics.
We are all gonna sit here quietly until the shift's over.
Hey, Granny, I said no electronics.
But Chief, I need electronics
to show you who the blogger is.
- What? - Come on, everybody.
Now, first I must give credit to "Mrs. Winchester."
- Ugh. - In episode 104,
"The Tories' Wig," Mrs. Winchester had to look
- beyond appearances. - Okay.
So I've studied this blog,
and I thought some things smelled pretty odd.
- Like Cap. - Okay.
First I noticed words the blogger used,
such as "pop" instead of "soda,"
"frappe" instead of "milkshake."
Words we don't use around here.
Huh, okay, which one of you guys grew up in the Midwest?
Next I noticed the blogger said Leigh Weigh
was coming to Tacoma.
I searched every concert venue.
No sign of Leigh Weigh.
That's because he's not playing in Tacoma, Washington.
He's play in Tacoma, Ohio.
Wait, there's a Tacoma in Ohio.
And a Station 24.
Well, what about the smelly guy?
- Yeah, or the dumb guy. - And the lady probie.
Y'all ready for this?
- Whoa. - Wow.
- Oh, shit. - Oh, look at that.
Black guy, an Asian guy, a girl,
and a guy that looks like he's Italian but is probably Latin.
- Yeah, I like his hairdo. - And then a bunch of whites.
Huh. I did not see that coming.
You know, I guess firefighters are the same everywhere.
Same circus, different clowns.
Same burrito, different salsa.
Same ball game, different sport, right, guys?
Yeah, yeah, well, you know,
I think we all said some things that we shouldn't have.
Yeah, we said some pretty hurtful things
- that are tough to take back. - Yeah.
Well, I didn't mean any of it, guys.
- Me neither. - No.
You guys know I don't dye my hair though, right?
Yeah.
Hey, what are we gonna watch?
- "Mrs. Winchester!" - No, no, no, no.
Can I pick for once?
Gail, without music, there'd be no radio stations.
No, without radios there'd be no radio stations.
Oh, no, they didn't.
Hey, guys, huh? Huh? Check this out.
- Hey! - Whoo!
Pretty good, huh? You are looking
at the newest member of the Leigh Weigh fan club.
I'm officially a Weigh Watcher.
Hey, congrats, Chief. You know what, losing weight
at your age is one of the toughest things you can do.
Ike, that's not really what I was... okay.
I thought the whole French thing was a deal-breaker for you.
Well, I'm not that closed-minded, Lucy.
I still like the guy's music.
I'm into the message, not the man.
- Can we just watch the show, please? - Yeah, what's this one?
It's about two transgender sisters
who run a radio station.
It's called "Trans-Sister Radio."
Huh. Sounds pretty good.
Mind if I watch it with you guys?
- Please. - Sure.
- Come on over, partner. - All right, great.
You know, this show's got great buzz.
It's really about how things don't seem as they appear.
- Press play, we're watching this now. - Come on.