[lively upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Bueno, bueno, Terry!
You are ready.
You are ready, Terry!
You're ready.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ The fire's out, now you wanna be ♪
♪ Where the laughs are free ♪
♪ Tacoma FD ♪
[upbeat rock riff]
- 198, 199, 200.
- Ooh. - Whoo!
- 200 kegels each hour and your pelvic floor
will be strong as a bull.
- And that's a good thing? - Oh, yeah.
If you like a strong sphincter, bladder, uterus,
and/or prostate.
- I love all those things.
- It makes me dizzy.
- Keep doing that for the next few days
and by the night of the Firefighters' Ball,
you'll be able to lift a car with your pudenda.
- I've been hearing about the Firefighters' Ball
my entire life, and now I get to go.
- Hey, you got a date lined up? - I'm going with Gene.
- Oh, yes! - Oh, this guy!
- Yes, bun head.
- He has a top knot, yes.
- What's he hiding up there, gumballs?
- Hey, if I crank that thing,
does pepper come out of his ass? - Yeah.
- I think it's cute and that's all that matters.
- I got my date lined up.
- Who's your date? - An opera singer.
Her name is Ophelia.
- Is she all stuffy and erudite?
[laughter] - Yeah, is she too--
- Oh, no, man. She's super funny.
And she does great impressions.
Michael Caine, Sofia Vergara, Shaq, R2-D2.
You'll love her. What about you, Andy?
Taking your sister again?
- I mean, now that she's my mom? No.
I think I might play the field this year.
You know, maybe it's time for Andy to find himself
a fire fightress.
- Yes, indeed, it is, my boy.
Hey, I should be your wingman.
- Oh, you don't have a date? - No, no,
it's my celibate month, Celibat-ember!
- Ike, no offense, but you're not really a good wingman.
- What? - Yeah, it's just
the girls only want to talk to you.
- Let me help you find a lady.
- [chuckles] - I'm so good at it.
I'm tired of you being alone all the time.
- [mumbles] I'm not alone all the time.
- You want me to do it?
- Yeah, okay. - Yeah! [laughs]
Whoo! Game on!
- And 200 more kegels. Let's go.
♪ ♪
- Vicky is gonna be super surprised.
She's been hammering me for years to do salsa lessons.
I've been avoiding it. - Hang on, hang on.
Are you gonna wear one of those funny outfits?
- I'm gonna wear a traditional salsa outfit,
if that's what you mean.
- Well, I'm just curious how form-fitted it's gonna be.
Like, will it be stretchy, shimmery, blousy?
Will there be lightning bolts? What are we talking?
- Don't you worry about it, all right?
Vicky's gonna love it, which is good,
because I recently put my foot in my mouth
and this salsa surprise is gonna help me out.
- Oh, no. What did you say?
- [sighs] I may have said that sometimes,
when she and I make love,
I look into her eyes and I see
your eyes. - What? Are you crazy?
- I know. - That's terrible.
- I know. - You can't say that to a woman.
- In retrospect, you are correct.
- Goddamn right, I am.
- But whatever, you guys are brother and sister.
It's a biology thing.
- It's a sex buzzkill, dude. It's disgusting.
- I know it's disgusting, and she has not let it go.
- She shouldn't.
- But I'm gonna fix it with the salsa thing.
- Okay, first of all, it's pronounced sal-sa.
- That's what I said. - Not sawl-sa.
- That's what I said, sawl-sa. - Sal-sa.
- Sawl-sa. - Sal-sa.
- Sawl-sa. - Sal-sa!
- Sawl-sa. - Oh, okay, great.
- She will never suspect
that I can do something this romantic.
- We should make sure Granny brings his defib paddle.
- Morning. What's up, A shift?
♪ ♪
The chief and the captain just entered the room.
Still here!
- And 200. - Whoa, man.
- Whoo-hoo! - Wow.
- Sorry, Chief, sorry, Cap.
We're doing this thing called kegels.
- I hope that's not another new club drug.
- No, it isn't. - Hey, Cap.
Who you taking to the Ball?
- That lady I met at the airport.
- Flight attendant? - No, she's the woman
who was driving the Parking Spot shuttle bus.
This petite woman tossing giant bags onto the bus.
So hot. - [chuckles] Sounds hot.
She toss your bag? - Whoa!
- Ike. - That's gross.
- No, no, no. Oh, not like that!
Not did she toss your bag. I mean did she toss--
I mean, handle your luggage, like,
put the suitcase on the truck?
- That's offensive.. - I--that's not what I meant.
- She did, and when I got off the bus,
and she handed it back to me,
I saw it. - Saw what?
- Her left arm was a regular size arm,
but her right arm was a huge baggage handler arm.
Just--bam!
- Oh! [chuckling]
- Asymmetrical musculature. - Like a tennis player.
- What about her neck massage?
- Firm,
sawft.
- I bet she gives a bomb-ass hando.
- Lucy! - Hando Calrissian.
- The Handalorian.
- Some serious hand...job.
- Actually, I haven't experienced that yet
with the strong arm.
- I think you're gonna get it, Cap.
- Unforch, my time is running out.
She's been transferred to the Parking Spot
down in Los Angeles
and she moves the morning after the Ball,
so the Ball is our last hurrah.
- Hey, Chief, who are you taking to the Ball?
- My wife.
Okay, let's get down to business, everybody.
♪ ♪
- [loudly] Train-riding orange tabby in "Cats."
- Skimbleshanks.
- [louder] Train-riding orange tabby in "Cats."
- You're yelling through your earbuds again.
- What?
- You're yelling through your earbuds again.
Skimbleshanks.
- [normally] That's the--okay.
- Skimbleshanks. - Okay.
So that fits. Skimbleshanks.
[sighs and sniffs]
What's that smell? It's, like, perfume-y.
- It's my new body spray. Do you like it?
You like the way it smells?
- You know, it's okay.
Oh, jeez.. Okay. [grunts]
My pen!
[grunts] Oh, boy!
[grunts] Yeah.
[grunts]
♪ ♪
Subarctic forest. Hmm.
- [snapping gum loudly]
- How's that gum?
- Delicious. You want some?
- No, thank you. Sounds great, though.
- Mm, it's so good.
♪ ♪
- [sighs] You know what?
I'm gonna go work in my office. - Good.
- I got a ton of paperwork
and a bunch of phone calls to return.
- Man, I do not envy you.
Paperwork and phone calls? I prefer saving lives.
- Well, I make sure you get to do that.
- I'm just saying I would hate to be chief.
I like my life the way it is. - Oh, yeah?
- In fact, I would rather slow dance with you than be chief.
I do not want your job.
- Well, you can't have it. - Good, 'cause I don't want it.
- You can't have it. - I don't want it.
- Carry on.
♪ ♪
- 598, 599--
- Oh, my God, I can't do it.
- 600.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Ugh, 600?
- That's right. - I think I pulled my rectum.
- Hey, Lucy. - Gene!
- Hey! - Hey.
You guys remember Gene, right?
- Oh, hey, Gene. - What is up, fire squad?
- Oh, Mean Gene!
Hey, I need a trailer hitch put on my truck.
Can you help me out with that at all?
- I'm sorry, no.
Hey, Luce, I came to drop off the donation
for the silent auction.
- Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you.
- Free real estate seminar.
- Honey!
You forgot one of the envelopes.
- Oh, God. Thanks, Mom. - Mm-hmm.
- Everyone, this is my mom, Jean.
[dramatic piano notes]
- Wait, you guys have the same name?
- No. I'm Eugene. She's Genevieve.
- You're Gene-- you're Gene-ivive
and you're--Gene--Eugene?
- No.
[overlapping crosstalk]
- You're Jeanie-A?
- Good luck with the silent auction.
- Thanks, Gene.
both: You're welcome.
[laughter]
- Okay, gotta roll. - See you later, bye.
both: Bye.
both: Oops! [laughter]
- What is happening? - Are you kidding me?
- Hey, doesn't that make you uncomfortable?
- What?
- He is literally the spitting image of his mom.
- I don't see that.
- I could never date a girl
that looked that much like her dad.
- Yeah, it'd be like making out with the dad.
- It doesn't bother me because I don't see it.
- Okay.
Power blast!
♪ ♪
Lucy, come on!
- What? I'm doing 'em.
♪ ♪
- Chief, Phil Dylan from Personnel.
- Oh, hey, Phil.
- I was calling to let you know
that Ted Garrett is retiring
so a chief position is opening up at Station 17.
We have Eddie Penisi on a short list for consideration
and wanted to reach out to you--
- Uh, I'm gonna stop you right there, Phil.
Eddie does not wanna be a chief.
- Really? Because he's very high up the list.
- Trust me, Phil, he's said it to me on numerous occasions.
It's not something he's interested in.
As a matter of fact, he told me earlier today
he would rather slow dance with me than be a chief.
- Okay, Chief. We'll focus elsewhere.
- Okay, sounds good, Phil.
[knocking on door] - What's up, clammy hands?
Look who I caught skulking around.
- Hey! What are you doing here?
- I'm just picking up some items for the silent auction.
- Silent auction? - For the Firefighters' Ball.
I'm doing some of the charity stuff.
- Oh, right, the Ball. When's that, again?
- Friday. [scoffs]
How do you not remember this stuff?
- I am super slammed with work.
- You know, Eddie, since you and I have the same eyes
and we're basically the same person to Terry,
why don't you remind him of his important obligations?
- Honey, it just slipped my mind.
- Okay. Bye.
See ya later. - You married him, Vic.
- [scoffs] - Love you!
- What are you doing?
- I'm making her think I'm not interested in the Ball.
- Why? Don't you want her to be excited?
- No, no, no. I'm lowering her expectations.
That's my strategy. - That's a dumb strategy.
- What are you talking about? It's negging.
You taught me about negging.
Making them think you're not interested?
- Asshole, you don't neg your wife.
- Don't call me an asshole. It's all part of the plan.
Think of how surprised she's gonna be
when I bust out that salsa, huh?
- Okay, first of all, it's sal-sa.
- Sawl-sa. - Sal-sa.
- Sawl-sa! - Whatever.
Listen, I found out through the grapevine
that Chief Garrett is retiring.
That means there's a chief slot opening up in 17.
Now, my people on the inside
tell me that my name is on a short list for that job.
How sweet is that?
- Uh, yeah, that's super sweet.
- Yeah, how awesome would that be if I became a chief?
- Uh, I thought you didn't want to be chief.
- Why would you think that?
I put in the years. I'd be a great chief.
- You would, you would, yeah, mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God, I hope I get it.
I wonder who else is up for it.
I bet it's Captain Dooley from the shit shack.
But they wouldn't pick him, right?
He's an old school Irish prick with a glass eye.
- Totally. He's a total Irish prick.
- Glass eye. Doesn't work. - [chuckles] Fake eye? Come on.
- He's not a chief. - No way.
There's no way he'd make it over you.
- If Personnel calls, you tell 'em how great I'd be.
- Course. Course I will.
- Today is a great day!
- [chuckles] Yeah. - Oh, man.
♪ ♪
- [clears throat]
♪ ♪
- Personnel. - Phil.
Hey, it's Terry McConkey again. - Hi, Chief.
- Listen, I may have given you the wrong impression
on that last phone call.
I want to make sure you heard me properly.
Captain Penisi isinterested in that chief's job.
- That's not what you said before.
- [chuckles] No, you must've misheard me,
because he is interested and I think he would do a great job.
- Well, it's a moot now
because we offered the job to Jimmy Dooley.
[dramatic tone]
- Already?
- I told you it was a short list.
You said he wasn't interested. That made it really short.
- [sighs]
Well, I don't think I ever said that, so.
- You did. I wrote it down.
"Captain Penisi would rather slow dance with Terry McConkey
than be chief."
But I'll put him on the list.
There'll be another opening in a few years.
- Great. Thanks.
♪ ♪
Oh, boy.
- Okay, hot sauce is the hot chick.
- Well, that makes sense.
- This is you, this is me.
- Oops. - Now--
- Nope, hang on.
I'm just gonna switch these so it's not as weird.
- Okay, are we ready?
- Yes. - All right.
So you walk in, approach the hot chick from the front,
I approach the hot chick from behind.
You smile and wave to her.
If she smiles and waves back, great.
I peel off, game on.
But, if she ices you, I'm still here.
You play it off like you were smiling and waving to me,
I wave back to you, you don't lose credibility with the room,
we move on to target number two.
- It just seems a little elaborate.
- It's not elaborate.
I've been a wingman a million times.
You gotta trust me on this. We need a plan.
We're gonna call it Operation Salt and Pepper.
- Do we really have to name it? - Of course we do.
What if I'm way over here and there's a hot chick right here?
"Salt and Pepper!"
Boom, we're in formation, we do it again.
- Maybe I'll just walk up to a girl and be like,
"You look great in your dress blues.
What's your station like?"
"My station's pretty great.
"It's filled with a bunch of antics
and I've got a lot of great friends--"
- Super long and ramble-y.
I don't even know what you're saying at that point.
- No, I get that. It's just--I'm not you, so.
- Ah, shoot.
I'm sorry, Andy. You're right.
It's this Celibat-ember thing, man.
It's driving me crazy. It's already been two days.
I don't know if I'm gonna last, honestly.
- Oh, well, hang in there, buddy.
I mean, it's only a month total, so.
- Well, I watched that movie, "28 Days Later."
They started eating each other within a month, so.
- Those are zombies.
- No, they were hobos.
Oh! [chuckles]
I got it. I got it.
Challenge coins!
It's why they invented these things, Andy!
- I thought they were meant
to signify your pride in the station.
- No, it's to pick up chicks.
You put yours down.
If she has hers, you buy her a drink.
If she doesn't, she buys you a drink.
It's custom-made for this!
- That is pretty great. - Right?
- Uh, boom! - [chuckles]
- Hi, I'm Andy Myawani.
Do you have your challenge coin?
- I don't.
- Uh-oh, you gotta buy me a drink.
- We should make out. - Oh-ho, already?
- Here's me. Bye, Andy.
- Where you going, Ike? - No, don't follow me.
- Oh. - Stay with her.
- [laughing]
- [in very posh British accent] Ah, yes,
beat the yolk and lime zest until fluffy,
then cut into wedges and serve cold
with a large dollop of whipped cream!
- [laughing]
Queen Elizabeth baking key lime pie is hilarious.
- And it tastes great too. - [laughs]
You have got to come by the station
and meet the guys before the Ball.
[chuckles]
Ooh, come over now!
- [normally] I can't.
I'm doing a costume fitting.
"The Ring of the Nibelung" is premiering next week and I'm
♪ Brunnhilde ♪ - Okay.
Now give me Dora on skid row.
- [squeaky voice] Ooh, look, mira!
A drug addict masturbating!
Can you say... [speaking Spanish]
- Masturbutando?
[laughter]
It's like I'm talking to a female Jim Carrey.
- [as Jim Carrey] I like that. I like it a lot.
- [laughs] Okay, now give me one.
- [vocalizes masterfully]
[sings high note]
- Oh, ooh. That just gave me chills.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hold on, I actually like this side better.
- Okay.
- [sighs]
Uh--
[dramatic notes]
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
I was just looking at these pics
and thinking about how much, like,
I love it when you change your look.
- You don't like my ponybun?
- I love it.
I mean, beep, beep!
You're just--you're so hot
and you could pull off so many different hairdos
and I was just curious of, you know, like,
what another one might be.
- I could just shave it all off like Taye Diggs.
- That is a great idea.
[ominous notes] Ah!
- Whoa!
What?
- Sorry, uh, nothing.
[upbeat rock music]
[soft piano music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, hey, hey, I was wondering
if maybe we could use
this arm tonight.
- Oh, no.
Eddie, the last guy I used this on ended up in the hospital.
- You know I'm not afraid of anything.
I'm a firefighter.
- There are other things we can do.
- I know, but it's like climbing Mount Everest.
Like, I know I could die,
but this is the ultimate life achievement right here.
- How about on my last night here,
on the night of the Firefighters' Ball...
- I'm listening.
- When the clock strikes 12:00...
- Mm-hmm?
- I'll give you the strong arm.
- That would make me Cinderella.
- I don't remember Cinderella getting an HJ.
- In my version, she does.
- Well, then it's a deal.
- [joints crack loudly] Oh! Ow, ow.
See, this handshake turns me on.
- Well then, I'm gonna go put on something
a little more comfortable,
and when I come back,
I'm gonna give you the weak-ie.
♪ ♪
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
[exhales deeply]
[phone buzzes]
What's up, Chiefy? - Hey, Eddie, you got a second?
- Terry, I got great news.
Donna just agreed to give me a strong arm HJ
at the Firefighters' Ball on Friday at 12:00 sharp.
Talk about the stroke of midnight, guy.
- That is great news, Eddie.
- I couldn't be happier right now.
I am in such a good place.
- Eddie, I need to talk to you.
- Terry, I gotta go.
- But wait, just one second.
- I just want to thank you for putting in a good word
for me on that chief job.
- Wait, I haven't done that yet.
- Yes, you have, but you're just not admitting it
'cause you're such a good friend.
And I really am gonna miss you when I get that chief job.
- And I'll miss you, too, Eddie.
- That's nice, Terry.
I know how hard it is for you to show emotions.
♪ ♪
- Oh, boy.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- All right, commence Operation Andy Date. [chuckles]
- I don't know if we should do the whole sling thing, Ike.
- Andy, this is a great addition, my friend.
It has the effect of making me look incredibly weak,
subsequently, you beside me look incredibly strong.
- Mm, seems excessive.
- What's up, boys?
- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey.
- Hey, what happened to your arm?
- Oh, I just, uh, hurt it.
I was hanging art. So wimpy, and--
- Oh, you poor thing.
- Uh, it's a weak arm.
- Hey, Andy, Ike, this is Donna.
- Oh. - Hi, guys.
[joints crack] - Ow.
[chuckles] Nice to meet you.
- Save your strength, okay? - Okay.
- Take it easy, boys.
- See you. And nice to meet you.
- That actually hurt.
- Look at her arm. - I know.
- It was massive. - Well, I felt it.
- Hey, wingman. What happened to your wing?
- Oh, I just hurt it hanging art.
I'm good, though. I'm just totally fine.
- Hey, Ike, Andy, this is Ophelia.
- Oh, hey. Such a pleasure to meet you.
I hear you have a great sense of humor.
So it's gonna be a fun night!
- Yeah, Granny was telling us you're a riot.
It was--
oh, are you doing kegels?
- No.
- Oh, my gosh. What?
I'm so sorry, I didn't-- a mute?
You're a mute opera singer?
That's amazing. I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
Hey, good for you! That's awesome!
- Okay, no. She's not mute, man.
She's just saving her voice for her performance tomorrow.
- I understand. - Oh, that's too bad.
I hear you do great impressions.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, she does great impressions.
Hey, please, will you do Nicki Minaj?
- Oh, Nicki Minaj. - Oh, yes!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's so good.
We listen to her all the time in the station.
- You'll be great at the silent auction later!
- Okay, okay, let's go. Thanks, guys.
- She's not deaf.
- It's so brave of her to come here.
- You don't have to scream.
- Maybe you should be more compassionate.
- You know, I gotta say, Luce, you look great tonight.
- Aww, thank you. So do you.
And I really like the new hair.
- It's the same, old hair, just a different comb.
[laughter]
- Well, look at the lovebirds.
- Mother! Aww.
both: Mm.
- Oh, my.
- Miss Gentry, what are you doing here?
- Isn't this awesome? - I like to party, too.
- I thought I'd surprise you.
- Much like Gene, I was asked on a date by a firefighter.
- Yeah, you were. - [chuckles]
- Who? - What's up, McConkey?
- Hey, Wolf.
- Hope you're not trying to horn in on my lady.
Unless you're into that. - [chuckles]
- Not really.
- Isn't this fun? - Oh, yeah.
- We can double date all night. [laughs]
- Uh, awesome.
- Let's hit the dance floor! [cheers]
- Let's go, Luce. - Oh, everybody's howling.
[upbeat music]
- Wow, the place looks great.
- It's all right.
- Oh, don't be a stick in the mud.
Come on, let's get a drink. Let's have some fun.
- First, I gotta press the flesh.
And by the way, don't be mad at me
if I don't talk to you tonight.
It's part of the job. - Are you serious?
- Yeah. You'll have fun. You know tons of people.
Hey, Tommy!
- Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
- Hey, buddy, here's a C-note.
When the clock strikes midnight,
I want to play the song on here for me.
All right? [chuckles]
- Hey. - Hey. Where's your date?
- She's cracking coconuts for the bartender.
[coconut crunches]
- Wow. That's a big arm.
- I'm pissed. - What's the matter?
- I just found out I didn't get that chief job.
They gave it to frickin' Dooley at the shit shack.
Can you believe that?
I got two years seniority on that guy
and he's got a glass eye.
- Can't believe they passed you over.
- I know, right?
I'm surprised no one reached out to you about it.
You're my CO. That's proper protocol, yeah?
- Definitely. Absolu--yep--mm-hmm.
- 'Cause if they'd spoken to you,
you would've given me a great boost.
- You know I would've.
- You know what?
I'm not gonna think about it tonight
'cause I'm getting a strong arm HJ.
- There you go. - How 'bout you?
You ready for your big dance?
- Yeah, DJ has the music
and I got a hotel room upstairs for the night.
My salsa outfit's at the front desk.
When she's not looking,
I'm gonna go grab it and stash it upstairs.
- It's sal-sa. - Sawl-sa!
- Sal-sa. - Sawl-sa!
- You go, girl. - We sawl-sa right here!
- Sal-sa. - Right here.
Midnight!
- [chuckles] I wish I was a husk.
- Mm, I bet you do.
- Hiya, Penisi!
- Oh, Wolf.
Last time I saw you,
you were crying your way off the stage at the old folks' home.
- Funny stuff, yeah.
It's a shame you're not gonna get
to work on your new material at Station 17.
I heard you lost that chief position to Dooley.
That's gotta hurt!
I mean, what, you got two more years of seniority
and both eyeballs?
- I didn't want it. - That's not what I heard.
- Phil Dylan told me that
McConkey gave you a lousy recommendation.
- Come again?
- Said Terry took you off the short list.
Which is funny, 'cause you're the shortest guy I know.
[imitates rimshot] - Back up. Terry did what?
- He took you off the short list.
Which is funny, 'cause you're the shortest guy I know.
[imitates rimshot]
- That's absurd. He would never do that.
- Why don't you go ask him yourself?
♪ ♪
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
- One of those for me?
- These aren't for you.
- That's fine. I'm lactose intolerant.
- It's coconut milk.
- Makes me gassy.
♪ ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- What's up?
What are you doing?
Cut it out.
- Did you tell the Personnel office
that I didn't want that chief job?
- [clicks tongue] Um, you know what?
I don't have time for this.
I gotta take my salsa outfit upstairs
and I gotta put the rose petals on the bed.
- It's sal-sa. Answer the question.
- Cut it out.
[elevator whirs and clunks]
Great, look what you did. We're stuck.
- Answer me, Terry.
Our friendship hangs in the balance.
Did you tell them that I didn't want that chief job?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪