Couldn't find the words to say any more. You know, it was like a time
where I start working with other
you know, it was like a time where I start working with other artists 'cause I just couldn't
find it no more.
Artists 'cause I just couldn't find it no more. You know what I'm saying?
Find it no more. You know what I'm saying? It was like, "what do I say?
I done said all the [bleep] I
it was like, "what do I say? I done said all the [bleep] I had to say.
I done let y'all see all the
[bleep] that I wanted y'all to
see, and I'm still
misunderstood.
See, and I'm still misunderstood. You know what I'm saying?
Misunderstood. You know what I'm saying? Like, I just -- it's still --
you know what I'm saying? Like, I just -- it's still -- I still get --
like, I just -- it's still -- I still get -- you know, it was too much,
I think.
You know, it was too much, I think. But now, I think it's something
different happening that I feel
but now, I think it's something different happening that I feel like I have a lot to say again.
Different happening that I feel like I have a lot to say again. And it's the very first time in
a long time that I've had
and it's the very first time in a long time that I've had a lot -- like, I'm having a lot
to say.
A lot -- like, I'm having a lot to say. I am grown, and I am to a point
where I take full responsibility
of who I am and what I've
become, you know?
Of who I am and what I've become, you know? ♪
♪
-- captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com
it used to be easy. I'd go in the studio, and I'd just have so much to say.
You know what I'm saying?
Just have so much to say. You know what I'm saying? And it became to a -- like, a
you know what I'm saying? And it became to a -- like, a time where...I just -- I just
and it became to a -- like, a time where...I just -- I just felt like everything, like,
"okay, god, what is all this
for?"
you know what I'm saying?
For?" you know what I'm saying? Like, when you speak about how
my mom and how --
like, when you speak about how my mom and how -- I know we ain't talked about the
reality thing yet, but, like,
you know, now my mom can't get
clean.
You know, now my mom can't get clean. You know what I'm saying?
Clean. You know what I'm saying? Like, and me and my family not
you know what I'm saying? Like, and me and my family not cool as, like, I thought it was.
Like, when I set out, I had a
whole, like, life goal set out.
Like, me and my family was gonna
be together in one big house.
You know what I'm saying?
Be together in one big house. You know what I'm saying? I just wanted one big house to
you know what I'm saying? I just wanted one big house to have all my siblings in with my
mom -- you know what I'm
saying? -- And everything like
that.
Saying? -- And everything like that. I just wanted to be a huge star.
That. I just wanted to be a huge star. You know what I'm saying?
And everything just wasn't what
you know what I'm saying? And everything just wasn't what I wanted it to be.
You know?
Me and my family and stuff was
you know? Me and my family and stuff was falling out.
You know, my marriage wasn't
working.
You know what I'm saying?
Working. You know what I'm saying? Like, I was getting tired of
you know what I'm saying? Like, I was getting tired of singing [bleep] love songs.
They was miserable love songs.
Singing [bleep] love songs. They was miserable love songs. You know what I'm saying?
Like, it just started hitting
you know what I'm saying? Like, it just started hitting me, all these different things,
like, it just started hitting me, all these different things, and I was just like, "I don't
even know what to say no more."
you know what I'm saying?
Even know what to say no more." you know what I'm saying? Like, "I just don't want to even
say nothing.
I just want to go away and have
a kid and, you know, build my
own family and have my family
that actually, like, I can
depend on, like, my own kids --
you know what I'm saying? --
Depend on, like, my own kids -- you know what I'm saying? -- That would love me
unconditionally and genuinely.
You know what I'm saying?
Unconditionally and genuinely. You know what I'm saying? That was my goal for a very
you know what I'm saying? That was my goal for a very long time.
Growing up in oakland was
extremely challenging because I
growing up in oakland was extremely challenging because I didn't have, you know, my
parents, my biological parents,
there for me.
Parents, my biological parents, there for me. However, I was blessed, you
know, because I was adopted at
however, I was blessed, you know, because I was adopted at the tender age of 2.
Know, because I was adopted at the tender age of 2. So I was able to have a stable
family, stability in a
so I was able to have a stable family, stability in a household.
Family, stability in a household. So I think that that was god's
way of letting me know, at a
so I think that that was god's way of letting me know, at a very young age that, no matter
what I experienced, everything
was gonna be okay.
What I experienced, everything was gonna be okay. From my understanding, because I
was very young, that my, um --
from my understanding, because I was very young, that my, um -- my father and my grandmother,
my biological grandmother, were
friends and they both believe in
yahshua elohim, and they want to
class together, and, you know,
my mother, frankie, was kind of,
you know, running around,
running the streets, having a
ball, um, that's how -- that's
how my parents actually met my
biological family.
How my parents actually met my biological family. And my adopted mother,
yvonne cole, saw, you know, a
and my adopted mother, yvonne cole, saw, you know, a little twinkle in my eye.
Yvonne cole, saw, you know, a little twinkle in my eye. I grasped her attention, and she
couldn't resist it, you know?
So -- so, she, um --
from my understanding, I would
so -- so, she, um -- from my understanding, I would go over there on weekends, and
she would keep me certain days
out of the week, and then it
turned to the week, and then, it
turned to a month, and then it
turned to, "okay. She needs to
stay here."
there wasn't nothing that you
could do to keep me away from my
mother.
Could do to keep me away from my mother. I always looked for her.
Mother. I always looked for her. I found her any way that I
could.
So that was always a thing for
me to do, and my sister.
Well, my sister neffeteria
couldn't stay away from her.
There were certain family
members that I saw, growing up,
there were certain family members that I saw, growing up, that we were able to be around
each other and things like that.
That we were able to be around each other and things like that. So I wasn't completely, you
know, unaware of my biological
so I wasn't completely, you know, unaware of my biological family.
Know, unaware of my biological family. I definitely knew -- I
definitely knew where I came
from.
Definitely knew where I came from. No, I definitely do have a
relationship, yeah, with my
no, I definitely do have a relationship, yeah, with my adopted mother, still, yeah.
Relationship, yeah, with my adopted mother, still, yeah. Her husband, my father,
definitely was a loss.
Definitely, he's one of the
[inhales deeply] dominant
definitely, he's one of the [inhales deeply] dominant teachers in my life.
I mean, like, that instilled
so much into me, with religion
and -- and -- and you know, your
morals and things like that,
that, you know, I wouldn't be
who I am without him in my ear
about those things.
Who I am without him in my ear about those things. [ indistinct shouting ]
how I met mc hammer was
definitely on the back of the
cd, the tapes.
Definitely on the back of the cd, the tapes. You know what I'm saying?
Cd, the tapes. You know what I'm saying? We'll look up there and then
you know what I'm saying? We'll look up there and then we'll see the number and then
we'll look up there and then we'll see the number and then we'll see the address.
We'll see the number and then we'll see the address. You know what I'm saying?
We'll see the address. You know what I'm saying? And I said, "we need to just
you know what I'm saying? And I said, "we need to just go ahead and call his number
and I said, "we need to just go ahead and call his number every day, because they got to
pick up."
you know what I'm saying?
Pick up." you know what I'm saying? "some way, somehow, we gonna
find him."
and that's what happened.
Find him." and that's what happened. Actually, we looked up the
number, and we did reach
actually, we looked up the number, and we did reach mc hammer.
Number, and we did reach mc hammer. And my brother, who's also a
rapper and who actually was
and my brother, who's also a rapper and who actually was really close with tupac, it was
just, like, no way that he could
tell us no.
Just, like, no way that he could tell us no. Like, you know, so he ended up
talking to my brother, and he
like, you know, so he ended up talking to my brother, and he took us down to fremont.
Talking to my brother, and he took us down to fremont. That's where mc hammer stayed.
Took us down to fremont. That's where mc hammer stayed. And I ran my mother phone bill
that's where mc hammer stayed. And I ran my mother phone bill up to like $1,500, got my ass
and I ran my mother phone bill up to like $1,500, got my ass kicked, but it was well worth it
because here I am.
Kicked, but it was well worth it because here I am. You know what I'm saying?
Because here I am. You know what I'm saying? She got that money back.
You know what I'm saying?
[ laughs ]
you know what I'm saying? [ laughs ] [ indistinct conversations ]
hammer was our way to get to
l.A., because he was, like,
working with suge knight and
death row and tupac and that
whole bit.
Death row and tupac and that whole bit. And so, you know, we was -- we
were going down there with them.
And they missed they flight, but
we still got on our flight.
We caught the bus to the
airport, me and amina, and flew
we caught the bus to the airport, me and amina, and flew to l.A. By ourselves, the last
flight out.
To l.A. By ourselves, the last flight out. [ chuckling ] we get on the
flight.
And the airport was closing,
so nobody was there with us --
and the airport was closing, so nobody was there with us -- no mc hammer, no uncle.
So nobody was there with us -- no mc hammer, no uncle. We were how old?
No mc hammer, no uncle. We were how old? 13 or 14?
By ourselves, in l.A.,
with no adult.
But we made it.
With no adult. But we made it. And that was the beginning
but we made it. And that was the beginning of, like, everything that, like,
and that was the beginning of, like, everything that, like, meant everything to us
[chuckles] at that young age.
Meant everything to us [chuckles] at that young age. You know what I mean?
Actually, when we took that
you know what I mean? Actually, when we took that flight to l.A., [sighs] we
actually, when we took that flight to l.A., [sighs] we called k&m studio, 'cause that's
where they used to be.
Called k&m studio, 'cause that's where they used to be. [ laughs ]
so we knew that for sure, that
they used to be at k&m studio.
So we knew that for sure, that they used to be at k&m studio. And we called and called and
called, and tupac was the
and we called and called and called, and tupac was the only one in there that night.
Called, and tupac was the only one in there that night. And they like, "we in the
studio -- he in the studio here.
He ain't accepting no calls."
and we like, "well, we only
he ain't accepting no calls." and we like, "well, we only 14 years old, and we at the
airport.
You talkin' about I'm on the
phone.
He tell everybody he love
the kids.
He got to pick up for us.
The kids. He got to pick up for us. How he gonna love the kid, and
he got to pick up for us. How he gonna love the kid, and he gonna leave us at the
how he gonna love the kid, and he gonna leave us at the airport all by ourselves?
He gonna leave us at the airport all by ourselves? Is he real, or what's up?"
you know what I'm saying?
Like, he can't be faking it.
You know what I'm saying? Like, he can't be faking it. And they end up picking us up.
And we end up going straight to
and they end up picking us up. And we end up going straight to suge's house.
And then I remember seeing pac
at the studio, maybe a couple
and then I remember seeing pac at the studio, maybe a couple days later.
At the studio, maybe a couple days later. And he was like, "how y'all
little asses get on that plane
and he was like, "how y'all little asses get on that plane by yourself?"
it was like, "that's not right.
By yourself?" it was like, "that's not right. We told you we was trying to
get -- you wouldn't pick up the
we told you we was trying to get -- you wouldn't pick up the phone."
he was like, "bro, like, how do
you think -- you know what I'm
saying? -- You were able to get
a ride and you safe?
Saying? -- You were able to get a ride and you safe? I made sure y'all was safe.
A ride and you safe? I made sure y'all was safe. I was working.
I was in the studio."
you know what I'm saying?
Like, soon as that, like,
happened, I think we kinda,
like, soon as that, like, happened, I think we kinda, like, bonded over that, 'cause
he was probably like, "this
little [bleep] great."
you know what I'm saying?
Little [bleep] great." you know what I'm saying? [ laughs ]
but it was the most awesome
experiences of that time period.
But it was the most awesome experiences of that time period. My brother and pac were really
close.
Like, he was one of the outlaws,
and hammer was like my uncle.
You know what I'm saying?
And hammer was like my uncle. You know what I'm saying? Like, that was just, like, we
you know what I'm saying? Like, that was just, like, we were around and staying in a
like, that was just, like, we were around and staying in a hotel and, like, just going to
see, you know, them at the video
shoot, something like that.
See, you know, them at the video shoot, something like that. But my brother was really with
hammer and pac and all of them.
You know what I mean?
Hammer and pac and all of them. You know what I mean? Like, we were just little badass
you know what I mean? Like, we were just little badass kids running around.
You know, and it'd be pac in one
room, or it would be dogg pound
you know, and it'd be pac in one room, or it would be dogg pound in another room, jewell would
be in there.
In another room, jewell would be in there. You know what I'm saying?
Be in there. You know what I'm saying? And we'd just be hella bad.
You know what I'm saying?
Just straight from oakland,
you know what I'm saying? Just straight from oakland, riding with all the big dogs.
It wasn't -- it wasn't abnormal.
Riding with all the big dogs. It wasn't -- it wasn't abnormal. It was just like -- you know
it wasn't -- it wasn't abnormal. It was just like -- you know what I'm saying?
It was just like we fit
right in.
Never moved, never moved.
Right in. Never moved, never moved. We was just there with, like, my
never moved, never moved. We was just there with, like, my brother and them.
We stayed for, like, a month
or so -- like, a month and a
we stayed for, like, a month or so -- like, a month and a half or so.
Or so -- like, a month and a half or so. Like, you know?
Half or so. Like, you know? And then we went back, and then,
like, you know? And then we went back, and then, um, a lot of...
What happened that we had to go
back?
I think that's when pac, I want
to say, got shot, because we
went -- we were all, like, in
the car, going to vegas with
them.
The car, going to vegas with them. And that was, like, the last
time that I seen pac.
Like, I mean, just the best
person that I -- I mean, like,
like, I mean, just the best person that I -- I mean, like, to me, you know, like, just
even all the crap that he used
to talk and just -- he still had
a great heart, to me.
To talk and just -- he still had a great heart, to me. You know what I'm saying?
A great heart, to me. You know what I'm saying? And he still -- he still
you know what I'm saying? And he still -- he still looked out for us.
You know, he still made sure
that we understood that he was
you know, he still made sure that we understood that he was there and he understood that we
was kids and we didn't need to
be in that kind of environment.
Was kids and we didn't need to be in that kind of environment. Made sure we didn't, like, sing
and rap about it.
Like, we were singing and
rapping about weed.
And, "no, y'all not singing
that [bleep]."
and, "no, y'all not singing that [bleep]." like, "y'all get out.
That [bleep]." like, "y'all get out. Go sing about some flowers or
some..."
go sing about some flowers or some..." you know what I'm saying?
Some..." you know what I'm saying? About something like that.
You know what I'm saying? About something like that. Like, "y'all, like..."
about something like that. Like, "y'all, like..." so I loved the fact that I was
like, "y'all, like..." so I loved the fact that I was able to meet him, because it
did -- it made me believe,
you know, that I really actually
was gonna make it.
You know, that I really actually was gonna make it. But it was unfortunate that the
way he told me made me feel like
but it was unfortunate that the way he told me made me feel like he knew -- you know what I'm
saying? -- That he was leaving
that night.
Saying? -- That he was leaving that night. ♪
I definitely thought that,
you know, the way he said it,
like, "don't worry, everything
is gonna be alright.
Like, "don't worry, everything is gonna be alright. You gonna be a huge star.
Is gonna be alright. You gonna be a huge star. And you know, people are gonna
you gonna be a huge star. And you know, people are gonna want to hurt you with -- because
and you know, people are gonna want to hurt you with -- because you're beautiful.
Want to hurt you with -- because you're beautiful. But, you know, just read, read,
read your books.
You know, they can't take that
away from you."
you know, they can't take that away from you." and I was like, "what in the
hell?"
you know what I'm saying?
Hell?" you know what I'm saying? Like, he all, like...
You know what I'm saying? Like, he all, like... I'm like, "what is you talking
like, he all, like... I'm like, "what is you talking like you ain't -- you know what
I'm saying? -- Like this is the
last time I'mma see you?"
and he just...
Last time I'mma see you?" and he just... I don't know, just that's what I
remember, and how it went down
and everything.
Remember, and how it went down and everything. And it made me just always keep
in my mind and, like, keep the
and it made me just always keep in my mind and, like, keep the faith.
In my mind and, like, keep the faith. You know what I'm saying?
Faith. You know what I'm saying? No matter what happens, like,
you know what I'm saying? No matter what happens, like, I know god is with me.
And I know that, like, I'mma
survive whatever.
You know what I mean?
Survive whatever. You know what I mean? ♪
you know what I mean? ♪ my brother and my best friend,
amina, her brothers, they were
both in separate groups, right?
Amina, her brothers, they were both in separate groups, right? And so we decided to form our
own group.
Amina told me, "you gonna be the
singer."
amina told me, "you gonna be the singer." and I was like, "I want to rap."
you know what I'm saying?
And I was like, "I want to rap." you know what I'm saying? Like, "I'm a rapper."
and she was like, "no, you're
like, "I'm a rapper." and she was like, "no, you're the singer.
And she was like, "no, you're the singer. I'm the rapper."
right? [ laughs ]
and I'm like, "okay, well, I
like to rap, though."
you know what I'm saying?
Like to rap, though." you know what I'm saying? Like, that's how it actually
started, was, like, rapping.
And we created a group together
and then ended up -- I ended up
and we created a group together and then ended up -- I ended up being a singer.
And then ended up -- I ended up being a singer. Yeah, it just started like that.
Being a singer. Yeah, it just started like that. And I ended up finding a love
yeah, it just started like that. And I ended up finding a love for it and writing and
and I ended up finding a love for it and writing and expressing the things that I was
seeing from time to time.
Expressing the things that I was seeing from time to time. And meeting all these different
people and everything, that kind
and meeting all these different people and everything, that kind of, like, I was starting making
money off of it -- you know what
I'm saying? -- Like, before I
even came to l.A.
So I think I found a love
for it, more so than anything.
♪ >> cole: When I came straight from oakland, it was still
in me -- you know, disrespect
things that would happen,
how we handled it from the hood.
Things that would happen, how we handled it from the hood. It was like, "oh, okay, yeah,
yeah, we just fight."
it was like, "oh, okay, yeah, yeah, we just fight." it took a long time to learn
to not put my hand on people.
It took a long time to learn to not put my hand on people. You know what I'm saying?
To not put my hand on people. You know what I'm saying? It was a thing that happened
you know what I'm saying? It was a thing that happened with eve that, you know, we
it was a thing that happened with eve that, you know, we walking down, somebody grabbed
her bag or something like that,
and you know, I just kinda
turned around and slapped
the girl.
Turned around and slapped the girl. It was like, "girl, what is
you doing?"
it was like, "girl, what is you doing?" like, "period."
like, "back up," you know?
Like, "period." like, "back up," you know? And eve was really pissed off
about that.
Like, we stopped hanging out.
About that. Like, we stopped hanging out. Like, she was like, "I can't
like, we stopped hanging out. Like, she was like, "I can't handle it, keyshia.
Like, she can't be slapping
people."
like, she can't be slapping people." I was like, "wait.
People." I was like, "wait. I slapped somebody for you.
What the [bleep] is this?"
but then it taught me a lot,
what the [bleep] is this?" but then it taught me a lot, too, later, too, because,
you know, even being who I am
today.
You know, even being who I am today. 'cause she gets through, too.
Today. 'cause she gets through, too. You know what I'm saying?
Me being a part of her crew,
you know what I'm saying? Me being a part of her crew, walking out the club.
But I just -- you know, I should
have left that to security.
Somebody gets paid for that.
Have left that to security. Somebody gets paid for that. You know what I mean?
♪ >> cole: You know, I think, really, meeting tupac and
suge knight and the dogg pound
and snoop dogg and jewell,
michel'le, all these, like,
top-tier artists at that time --
like, they were all at the top
of they game at that time --
I think it just prompted me to
just -- was accustom-- I'm...
Like, at that point, I was
kind of accustomed to it.
Like, you know, like, this is my
lifestyle, this is what I'm
like, you know, like, this is my lifestyle, this is what I'm setting out to be, this is what
I deserve, this is what I want.
Setting out to be, this is what I deserve, this is what I want. Like, and I just didn't stop
until that happened.
And it was a lot of ups and
downs when I came to l.A.,
and it was a lot of ups and downs when I came to l.A., because I just packed up my
trash bag and put it in the
trunk.
Trash bag and put it in the trunk. But, you know, I had to go to --
only thing I knew was sunset.
You know what I'm saying?
Only thing I knew was sunset. You know what I'm saying? So I pulled up in one of these
you know what I'm saying? So I pulled up in one of these hotels on sunset, and $50 a
so I pulled up in one of these hotels on sunset, and $50 a night here.
Hotels on sunset, and $50 a night here. And got them pornos going on.
Night here. And got them pornos going on. You know what I'm saying?
I'm by myself.
I'm a female by myself.
I'm in the room.
I ain't coming out until morning
time hit.
You know what I'm saying?
Time hit. You know what I'm saying? Like, once I go in that room for
you know what I'm saying? Like, once I go in that room for $50, it's, like -- 'cause I
like, once I go in that room for $50, it's, like -- 'cause I wasn't gonna go back to oakland.
It was, like, I had to get a
room that I could prolong the
it was, like, I had to get a room that I could prolong the money that I had, so it would
last so I wouldn't have to go
back.
Last so I wouldn't have to go back. 'cause, you know, where are all
these other people?
I'm trying to get in touch with
these people from death row, and
nobody didn't give a damn.
These people from death row, and nobody didn't give a damn. They was like, "girl,
who are you?
'cause we don't know you
anymore.
You know what I'm saying?
Anymore. You know what I'm saying? Suge is gone.
We don't like you."
suge is gone. We don't like you." no, it was, like...
You know, so, it just changed.
No, it was, like... You know, so, it just changed. It wasn't the same, and so I
you know, so, it just changed. It wasn't the same, and so I just tried to make it work.
But, thankfully, I met
meagan good.
That gave me a foundation
to be able to build on, where I
that gave me a foundation to be able to build on, where I could go into the studio and
I can write, where I met
kanye west, who actually
produced my first song
on my first album.
Produced my first song on my first album. It was, like, a bunch of key
people.
Very much a lot of networking.
People. Very much a lot of networking. You know what I'm saying?
And just getting off in them
you know what I'm saying? And just getting off in them streets and meeting people.
And I was celibate for about a
year when I came to l.A., 'cause
and I was celibate for about a year when I came to l.A., 'cause I didn't know nobody.
Year when I came to l.A., 'cause I didn't know nobody. And I wanted to make sure that
I was getting my job done and
and I wanted to make sure that I was getting my job done and what I needed to accomplish
here in l.A.
What I needed to accomplish here in l.A. And I met a lot of people.
Here in l.A. And I met a lot of people. Then, I hooked back up with the
and I met a lot of people. Then, I hooked back up with the outlaws, and that's how I
then, I hooked back up with the outlaws, and that's how I actually met meagan, because
my boy was dating one of the
girls that was in the group with
meagan's sister.
Girls that was in the group with meagan's sister. And me and meagan ended up
getting cool.
Then, I met khloé kardashian.
Getting cool. Then, I met khloé kardashian. And we were all hanging out and
then, I met khloé kardashian. And we were all hanging out and everything.
And then that's where I met
ron fair.
And then, you know, I wrote the
song "love" that happened.
Thank god I wrote that song
by myself, sitting in the
thank god I wrote that song by myself, sitting in the corner, at a house party with
these rich kids in malibu.
Corner, at a house party with these rich kids in malibu. You know what I'm saying?
These rich kids in malibu. You know what I'm saying? [ speaking indistinctly ]
you know what I'm saying? [ speaking indistinctly ] [ chuckling ] you know?
And when I met ron, he said,
"you know, I'mma make sure you
and when I met ron, he said, "you know, I'mma make sure you get signed."
and I was like, "yeah, come on."
he was like, "no, I'mma take you
to jimmy iovine, and we're gonna
sign you, I promise."
and I said, "pinkie-swear
promise.
And I said, "pinkie-swear promise. You can't take it back.
Promise. You can't take it back. You know, [bleep], I ain't going
you can't take it back. You know, [bleep], I ain't going back to oakland.
You can't send me back."
and he's like, "I promise."
you can't send me back." and he's like, "I promise." so, yeah, jimmy signed me.
And he's like, "I promise." so, yeah, jimmy signed me. Jimmy actually gave ron
the right-of-way to be able to
jimmy actually gave ron the right-of-way to be able to do that.
The right-of-way to be able to do that. And -- whoo -- lot of money,
lot of money.
[ laughing ] you know?
Lot of money. [ laughing ] you know? $6 million later, you know, the
first album was out.
We was shooting the reality
show, we was shooting the
we was shooting the reality show, we was shooting the videos.
Show, we was shooting the videos. No, I put in work there, too.
Videos. No, I put in work there, too. I had to go up in jimmy office
no, I put in work there, too. I had to go up in jimmy office with a name tag, like, "I'm the
only artist up here without a
video."
the process of making my first
album, I, um -- it was a very,
very long process.
Album, I, um -- it was a very, very long process. I felt like there was songs
that was on the project that
didn't make the project.
That was on the project that didn't make the project. Um, it was stressful.
Didn't make the project. Um, it was stressful. It was -- I feel like it was --
um, it was stressful. It was -- I feel like it was -- everything at that point
it was -- I feel like it was -- everything at that point was a setup.
Everything at that point was a setup. Especially when I got signed to
my first deal, you know, it was
especially when I got signed to my first deal, you know, it was a lot of vultures --
money-hungry people.
A lot of vultures -- money-hungry people. But anyway, we got over it, and
we recorded "the way it is" --
but anyway, we got over it, and we recorded "the way it is" -- you know, the actual album.
We recorded "the way it is" -- you know, the actual album. And it was a blessing because
we had kanye.
You know, that was one of the
first people that I met when I
you know, that was one of the first people that I met when I came here.
First people that I met when I came here. And, um, who else?
Came here. And, um, who else? We had, like -- chink santana
and, um, who else? We had, like -- chink santana was a part of that album.
And he ended up getting a song
deal over at interscope.
Man, that was just such a
stressful time for me.
I feel like I was still in that
oakland...Vibe of not
understanding quite a lot of
things and not even happy with
myself.
Things and not even happy with myself. So, I mean, a lot of those songs
that I wrote on that album are
so, I mean, a lot of those songs that I wrote on that album are just pure honesty and come from
the emotion of -- of -- of
not understanding life and love.
The emotion of -- of -- of not understanding life and love. And I'm just so happy that,
you know, I met the team that I
and I'm just so happy that, you know, I met the team that I met, because ron gave me the
floor to do what I wanted to do
artistically with that album.
Floor to do what I wanted to do artistically with that album. You know, I mean, a lot of
artists didn't get that.
Puff is one of those characters,
like, that has been not only,
puff is one of those characters, like, that has been not only, like, influenced my upbringing,
right?
Like, influenced my upbringing, right? It's actually a character that I
was able to work with, in this
it's actually a character that I was able to work with, in this business.
Was able to work with, in this business. Like, coming up to him and
actually still being able to
like, coming up to him and actually still being able to work with him.
Actually still being able to work with him. And him actually wanting to work
with me, and thinking I was
and him actually wanting to work with me, and thinking I was dope, was one of the best times,
[chuckles] 'cause he's so --
like, I don't know, he's just a
character, man.
Like, I don't know, he's just a character, man. He's just a ball of energy.
Character, man. He's just a ball of energy. And I love that about him.
♪ >> cole: I think my show, "the way it is," was important
for people to see on television
because there were a lot of
lifelong lessons that we had to
see -- well, I had to
experience, as well -- to know,
you know, how to get over,
how to love somebody in those
predicaments, you know, how to
come together, and how you
fall out and how do you fix it,
and things like that.
Fall out and how do you fix it, and things like that. And for so very long, like,
I tried.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I tried to fix a lot of
you know what I'm saying? Like, I tried to fix a lot of things that were broken, that I
like, I tried to fix a lot of things that were broken, that I didn't break.
Things that were broken, that I didn't break. Know what I'm saying?
Didn't break. Know what I'm saying? And until I had my children,
know what I'm saying? And until I had my children, I didn't realize that it wasn't
and until I had my children, I didn't realize that it wasn't my problem to fix, because,
for so long, I tried.
My problem to fix, because, for so long, I tried. That's where I realized that,
like, I didn't have -- I
that's where I realized that, like, I didn't have -- I couldn't find the words to say
any more.
Couldn't find the words to say any more. I don't feel that putting my
life on tv broke up my family
at all.
Life on tv broke up my family at all. I think that my family was
already broken.
And I really feel that the
things that I experienced and I
and I really feel that the things that I experienced and I went through, even on
television, was already
happening.
Television, was already happening. You know what I'm saying?
Happening. You know what I'm saying? Like, there was issues that was
you know what I'm saying? Like, there was issues that was already there -- you know what
like, there was issues that was already there -- you know what I'm saying? -- That I just
shined some light on.
Like, and I think that is why
keyshia cole ended up being
like, and I think that is why keyshia cole ended up being who I am, because I was honest
about it.
Who I am, because I was honest about it. And it wasn't like -- but I
never, you know, was, like,
and it wasn't like -- but I never, you know, was, like, I felt a way about my mom being
who she was.
Like, I always thought she was
the most beautiful person.
I always thought she would
overcome drugs.
I always thought that my love
was enough.
You know what I'm saying?
Was enough. You know what I'm saying? And it just ended up
you know what I'm saying? And it just ended up being that it -- it wasn't.
[ chuckling ] you know what I'm
saying?
It was just -- it's the facts.
Saying? It was just -- it's the facts. But it doesn't change how I feel
it was just -- it's the facts. But it doesn't change how I feel and how I felt and -- and -- and
but it doesn't change how I feel and how I felt and -- and -- and how I always feel about,
you know, that situation.
How I always feel about, you know, that situation. ♪
neffeteria -- my sister
neffeteria and I, I think that,
um, I've just come to a point
where we're grown.
Um, I've just come to a point where we're grown. And we've -- the relationship
that I've always wanted to have
and we've -- the relationship that I've always wanted to have is just not there.
That I've always wanted to have is just not there. I've -- I've just -- I've just
realized.
I just came to the realization
that it's just not.
You know what I'm saying?
That it's just not. You know what I'm saying? Whatever I wanted in that
you know what I'm saying? Whatever I wanted in that is not.
So I've moved on with that
understanding.
But it never changed my love.
Understanding. But it never changed my love. You know what I'm saying?
Like, I always felt like
you know what I'm saying? Like, I always felt like whatever happened to my blood
like, I always felt like whatever happened to my blood was not my fault, but I always
wanted to fix it.
Was not my fault, but I always wanted to fix it. You know what I'm saying?
Wanted to fix it. You know what I'm saying? It was like, "what can I do
you know what I'm saying? It was like, "what can I do to help?
You know, what can I do to
change how you feel?
What..."
but it's not -- it's, like --
what..." but it's not -- it's, like -- it's nothing that I can
personally do.
It's nothing that I can personally do. I think we have to dig a little
deeper into ourselves if we
choose to fix the problems
that we see.
Choose to fix the problems that we see. Whatever it is that we find
inside that we don't like,
whatever it is that we find inside that we don't like, we just got to fix it.
Inside that we don't like, we just got to fix it. You know?
We just got to fix it. You know? Ourselves, though, 'cause
you know? Ourselves, though, 'cause nobody else can do that.
My mom -- she didn't break me.
Nobody else can do that. My mom -- she didn't break me. She didn't -- nothing.
Like, this is me.
Well, I would say to the
like, this is me. Well, I would say to the conflicting thought of it being
well, I would say to the conflicting thought of it being something positive, I would say,
in terms of the reality show,
that my mother has been on drugs
since I was a baby.
That my mother has been on drugs since I was a baby. [ laughing ] right?
Since I was a baby. [ laughing ] right? You know, no disrespect.
And it's really something that
you know, no disrespect. And it's really something that she battled since she was
and it's really something that she battled since she was 18, 17 years old.
She battled since she was 18, 17 years old. You know what I mean?
And I got signed when I was 21.
Right?
And so this is 20 years of
right? And so this is 20 years of addiction that had already
and so this is 20 years of addiction that had already happened.
Addiction that had already happened. And to me, I wanted people to
see what I've gone through
and to me, I wanted people to see what I've gone through but also that I just really
thought -- I really thought that
it would change things.
Thought -- I really thought that it would change things. I really thought that, you know,
being successful and having the
money and -- and I really
thought that it would help the,
you know, not struggling and
being in the streets and not
having nothing.
Being in the streets and not having nothing. You know?
Having nothing. You know? I really thought -- I thought
you know? I really thought -- I thought that it would help.
I did. You know?
That it would help. I did. You know? I never even thought about it
making it worse.
That's not even something I want
to think about at this point,
that's not even something I want to think about at this point, because that would -- that would
hurt.
Because that would -- that would hurt. You know what I'm saying?
Hurt. You know what I'm saying? Like, if there was something I
you know what I'm saying? Like, if there was something I could have done to change the
like, if there was something I could have done to change the hand of time of her passing
away, I don't -- you know,
that's not even something that I
would, uh...
That's not even something that I would, uh... Yeah.
Would, uh... Yeah. No.
>> so I need everybody to keep
no. >> so I need everybody to keep me in their prayers.
I'm taking this a day at a time.
Me in their prayers. I'm taking this a day at a time. >> cole: If there's anybody that
thought that because of my mom's
addiction being, you know, shown
on tv that that would, like,
make her worse or make the
family worse, for that matter,
I think that that was the reason
for me to say, at the end of the
very, um, you know, successful
[chuckles] two -- I think it was
two shows that we had done at
that point, and we were going
into the third, and I just was
like -- people were, like,
really pissed at me -- you know
what I'm saying? -- About it.
Really pissed at me -- you know what I'm saying? -- About it. And I was like, "we cannot
continue this way."
and I was like, "we cannot continue this way." you know what I'm saying?
Continue this way." you know what I'm saying? If we're not gonna show my mom
getting better and her actually
if we're not gonna show my mom getting better and her actually being better and progression,
there's no need to keep going.
Being better and progression, there's no need to keep going. We already seen it.
There's no need to keep going. We already seen it. You know, we seen it.
What more..."
you know, we seen it. What more..." you know, I wanted us to be
what more..." you know, I wanted us to be happier; you know, I wanted us
to be a loving family at some
point; I wanted us to, um,
you know, my mother to be
off drugs and for her to have
her new car, her new house.
Off drugs and for her to have her new car, her new house. You know, things like that,
that I thought was gonna happen,
you know, things like that, that I thought was gonna happen, and didn't happen.
That I thought was gonna happen, and didn't happen. So, but, hey, they ended up
going off and signing their own
so, but, hey, they ended up going off and signing their own deals and doing a spin-off that
nobody wanted to be a part of,
because they knew I didn't want
that [bleep] to happen.
Because they knew I didn't want that [bleep] to happen. And you know, it got canceled
after the second episode or
and you know, it got canceled after the second episode or some [bleep].
After the second episode or some [bleep]. I don't know.
Some [bleep]. I don't know. But, like, you know, it was
just -- I was telling them --
but, like, you know, it was just -- I was telling them -- I was like, "I'm not trying to
be down y'all back about it, but
y'all just got to -- y'all got
to show something different.
Y'all just got to -- y'all got to show something different. You know what I'm saying?
To show something different. You know what I'm saying? Grow and -- and -- and change.
And that wasn't the case, so...
>> cole: How I met daniel gibson was through a mutual stylist, rachel [chuckles], that was
styling lebron james and styling
him and some other athletes and
myself, and she's really good.
Him and some other athletes and myself, and she's really good. And she just kept telling me,
"this guy want to meet you."
and she just kept telling me, "this guy want to meet you." I was like, "no, I don't want to
meet no guy.
I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool."
and, um, you know, daniel
is really, really smart.
And, um, you know, daniel is really, really smart. He's a pisces.
Is really, really smart. He's a pisces. So he used the god card.
You know, he used jesus christ.
You know? [ laughs ]
you know, he used jesus christ. You know? [ laughs ] he got that date and everything
you know? [ laughs ] he got that date and everything like that.
He got that date and everything like that. So, I mean, you know, we ended
up dating and hitting it off
so, I mean, you know, we ended up dating and hitting it off and had our beautiful son, d.J.
Up dating and hitting it off and had our beautiful son, d.J. And so, I mean, that changed my
life forever.
♪
that marriage, that marriage,
that marriage, oh, my god.
That marriage, that marriage, that marriage, oh, my god. It was horrible.
That marriage, oh, my god. It was horrible. No, let me stop.
I was, um...
You know, it wasn't right.
It wasn't right, you know?
It just wasn't right.
It wasn't -- it just was wrong.
You know?
I'm glad that I had my child,
you know? I'm glad that I had my child, and I just am.
But that's it. You know?
And I just am. But that's it. You know? Like, you know, it just,
but that's it. You know? Like, you know, it just, unfortunately, didn't work.
And it just -- it was adding on
to all of the other confusion,
and it just -- it was adding on to all of the other confusion, and just -- I just was so lost
at that time.
And just -- I just was so lost at that time. ♪
bringing that to my relationship
and to tv was [bleep], been
horrible.
And to tv was [bleep], been horrible. It was the worst decision,
you know, because that even made
it was the worst decision, you know, because that even made even more girls want him,
'cause he was a cutie.
Even more girls want him, 'cause he was a cutie. You know what I'm saying?
He was a cutie patootie.
So it was just, "aw, man."
he was a cutie patootie. So it was just, "aw, man." you know, horrible idea.
You know, me always wanting to
be so [bleep] authentic and
you know, me always wanting to be so [bleep] authentic and open, and I'm just the --
you know, I like to talk.
Open, and I'm just the -- you know, I like to talk. And obviously -- you know what
I'm saying? -- It's like,
and obviously -- you know what I'm saying? -- It's like, "jesus, I shouldn't have
did it."
but a loving guy, though.
Did it." but a loving guy, though. Hey, it's a very loving and kind
guy, one of the most calm,
hey, it's a very loving and kind guy, one of the most calm, kind, gentle people.
Guy, one of the most calm, kind, gentle people. You know, it was never any --
any -- any kind of craziness
you know, it was never any -- any -- any kind of craziness where I was being abused in any
way or anything like that.
Where I was being abused in any way or anything like that. I was doing the abusing,
especially when I was finding
out a lot of things,
infidelities that was happening.
Out a lot of things, infidelities that was happening. It was going down.
Infidelities that was happening. It was going down. You know what I'm saying?
And he never -- it was always
you know what I'm saying? And he never -- it was always understanding, like, "okay, I'm
and he never -- it was always understanding, like, "okay, I'm sorry, keyshia.
Understanding, like, "okay, I'm sorry, keyshia. Like, I really -- I apologize."
and I tried for so long to work
like, I really -- I apologize." and I tried for so long to work that out, because I didn't have
my biological father, so I
wanted so very badly for that
situation to work out,
regardless of, you know, what
happened in our relationship,
because literally, the cheating
was the only thing that
separated us.
Was the only thing that separated us. You know what I mean?
Separated us. You know what I mean? Still a great guy.
You know, just...
[ sighs ]
you know, just... [ sighs ] ♪
so, ultimately, I made the
decision first to separate.
So, ultimately, I made the decision first to separate. And then, when I realized that
there was nothing that we could
and then, when I realized that there was nothing that we could do to fix our relationship,
because, you know, once I'm to
that point, I'm like, "bro,
you know, enough is enough.
That point, I'm like, "bro, you know, enough is enough. Are you gonna do right and act
right, or no?"
are you gonna do right and act right, or no?" you know, 'cause I definitely
wanted it to work.
You know, 'cause I definitely wanted it to work. And then I decided later --
years later -- to go ahead with
and then I decided later -- years later -- to go ahead with the divorce.
Years later -- to go ahead with the divorce. We had went through it a few
times, actually.
Um, it actually just happened
a year ago.
[ laughing ] like, a year ago
that it finally happened.
Thank god. Yes.
That it finally happened. Thank god. Yes. I'm sorry. This is so bad.
♪
the space that it put me in
emotionally was very, very, very
happy space.
Emotionally was very, very, very happy space. I was excited about it.
Happy space. I was excited about it. You know what I'm saying?
Like, we had already reached the
you know what I'm saying? Like, we had already reached the point where, especially when we
like, we had already reached the point where, especially when we separated and then I was like,
"okay, I'm not gonna step
outside the relationship,"
and then, when I did, it was
like, "if I'm seeing somebody
else, or anything like that,
it's time to just go ahead and
come to a closure at that
point."
and I think that that was very
necessary for me to move on.
>> cole: "love & hip hop" [chuckles] was decided, for real, to do on my behalf.
First of all, you know, gib
wanted to go ahead and do
first of all, you know, gib wanted to go ahead and do "love & hip hop."
and then I had my girl paris,
and then I had zell.
And then I had my girl paris, and then I had zell. You know?
And then I had zell. You know? And we would all have, like,
you know? And we would all have, like, meetings like, "this is gonna be
and we would all have, like, meetings like, "this is gonna be really good.
Meetings like, "this is gonna be really good. It's gonna be fun, right?
Really good. It's gonna be fun, right? 'cause we're all together
it's gonna be fun, right? 'cause we're all together anyway, all the [bleep] time --
right? -- So let's go and have a
great time."
and not only that, I wanted to
try something different and
light-hearted outside of the
family drama.
Light-hearted outside of the family drama. I wanted to, like -- I wanted to
experience that, because it
always looked fun to me.
Experience that, because it always looked fun to me. But I made sure that it wasn't,
like, that kind of craziness
but I made sure that it wasn't, like, that kind of craziness that I was experiencing.
Like, that kind of craziness that I was experiencing. Like, I wanted to kind of
lighten it up a bit.
[ indistinct conversations ]
oh, my goodness, I had the
best time.
Oh, my goodness, I had the best time. It was a little rocky at first,
because they were learning me, I
it was a little rocky at first, because they were learning me, I was learning them, I didn't
understand not having my --
it was my show.
Understand not having my -- it was my show. I'm used to my show.
It was my show. I'm used to my show. Like, "this is my show.
What is that?"
like, "this is my show. What is that?" it was like, "no, girl, this is
what is that?" it was like, "no, girl, this is not your show."
you know what I'm saying?
Not your show." you know what I'm saying? Like, "this is everybody's
show."
like, "this is everybody's show." but we still had a -- I had a
lot of fun, and I understood
protocol and things like that,
once I got into the swing of
things.
Once I got into the swing of things. And everybody was very
respectful with me.
And there was no craziness,
no fighting.
You know what I'm saying?
No fighting. You know what I'm saying? Everything that everybody
you know what I'm saying? Everything that everybody expected to happen, it just
everything that everybody expected to happen, it just ain't in my character.
Expected to happen, it just ain't in my character. 'cause, you know, like, we said
earlier, I learned a lot from
slapping [bleep].
Earlier, I learned a lot from slapping [bleep]. I've grown, you know?
Slapping [bleep]. I've grown, you know? And so we don't do those things,
as of a couple years ago,
and so we don't do those things, as of a couple years ago, anymore.
As of a couple years ago, anymore. Know what I mean?
Anymore. Know what I mean? And so that -- I mean, I had a
know what I mean? And so that -- I mean, I had a great time.
I ultimately had a beautiful
time there, seriously.
[ indistinct shouting ]
I was always the girl in front
of the camera, right?
Okay, so, I've always loved the
camera.
I've always loved expressing
myself, for sure.
And I've always loved, um,
being, um, somewhat of a
and I've always loved, um, being, um, somewhat of a role model to the younger girls.
Being, um, somewhat of a role model to the younger girls. That inner, younger me, right?
Role model to the younger girls. That inner, younger me, right? I've always thought about her --
that inner, younger me, right? I've always thought about her -- right? -- 'cause I see those
little girls out there, and
that's what I think about.
Little girls out there, and that's what I think about. When I see them, I think
about me.
So I always want, you know,
like, them to see the journey.
I always just wanted the journey
to be documented.
And it has, so far.
To be documented. And it has, so far. I'm so glad I got all those
and it has, so far. I'm so glad I got all those things about my mama.
But, anyway, so, yes, I
continued the reality-show run
but, anyway, so, yes, I continued the reality-show run and did a show with niko khale
and my youngest baby.
And did a show with niko khale and my youngest baby. And it was just a special.
And my youngest baby. And it was just a special. And it was a baby -- it was a --
and it was just a special. And it was a baby -- it was a -- it was a baby-shower special
and it was a baby -- it was a -- it was a baby-shower special that was horrible,
that I did not enjoy.
That was horrible, that I did not enjoy. ♪
niko khale is an -- an artist.
Um, and he -- and he's my -- my
child's father.
Being with someone so much
younger, at first, was
being with someone so much younger, at first, was awesome -- you know what I'm
saying? -- Because it was, um --
I had lots of fun.
Saying? -- Because it was, um -- I had lots of fun. I had lots of fun.
And he was very mature
for his age, you know.
Even now that we're not
together, he's extremely
even now that we're not together, he's extremely hands-on with -- with tobias.
Together, he's extremely hands-on with -- with tobias. And you know, which is our child
together.
And I'm so excited for their
journey together.
And he's such a great father
with tobias.
So I definitely -- I love the
relationship that we have now.
And everything is copacetic and
peaches and cream.
You know, um, there's a
beautiful understanding that we
you know, um, there's a beautiful understanding that we have, and so...
Beautiful understanding that we have, and so... But at the beginning, it was
awesome in the relationship.
♪ >> cole: Keyshia cole ain't thinking 'bout no [bleep] love.
Not right now, anyway.
Thinking 'bout no [bleep] love. Not right now, anyway. I told you, I'm back to -- I'm
not right now, anyway. I told you, I'm back to -- I'm back to where I used to be.
I have a lot to say.
Back to where I used to be. I have a lot to say. And I'm not feeling a lot of
things that happened.
You know what I'm saying?
Things that happened. You know what I'm saying? And I have a lot to talk about.
I don't want no bull[bleep].
Mnh-mnh.
Are you sure about that?
Okay, well, I haven't
experienced that yet, so I'll
take your word for it.
My experiences in love are what I explained. What you have, and your
experience of what you call
what you have, and your experience of what you call love, god bless you for
experiencing that.
Love, god bless you for experiencing that. But I haven't experienced that.
Experiencing that. But I haven't experienced that. So, no, I don't want the type of
but I haven't experienced that. So, no, I don't want the type of love that I've already
so, no, I don't want the type of love that I've already experienced.
Love that I've already experienced. And that's all I've ever
experienced.
I'm cool.
Experienced. I'm cool. I have my children.
I have a great career.
I have god by my side.
And I don't need another
human being to try to hurt me
and I don't need another human being to try to hurt me deeply.
♪ >> cole: Ooh, my greatest accomplishment?
I mean, in real life, for real,
for real, is my children,
for sure, because when I'm old,
they're gonna be able to take
care of me.
They're gonna be able to take care of me. Hopefully, I've done enough
for them.
Hopefully, I do enough for them
that they love me enough to
hopefully, I do enough for them that they love me enough to take care of my old ass one day.
That they love me enough to take care of my old ass one day. You know what I mean?
Take care of my old ass one day. You know what I mean? Um, yeah.
♪
um, yeah. ♪ so, that would be what love is,
to me -- right? -- Is respect
and honesty, companionship --
right? -- Not making nobody
look stupid and bad and all that
kind of [bleep].
Look stupid and bad and all that kind of [bleep]. So, if they hurt, you hurt,
right?
I ain't never experienced that
[bleep].
I've experienced it with my
children.
If my children feel like I'm sad
or if something hurt me,
if my children feel like I'm sad or if something hurt me, my baby gonna come and, "mom,
I didn't mean to hurt you."
you know, if I hurt, you know,
it's out of love.
You know, if I hurt, you know, it's out of love. You know what I'm saying?
It's out of love. You know what I'm saying? A lot of prideful mother[bleep]
you know what I'm saying? A lot of prideful mother[bleep] out here.
You know what I'm saying?
Out here. You know what I'm saying? I'mma keep that real.
And so, when it's pertaining to
that, because I'm too loving and
and so, when it's pertaining to that, because I'm too loving and open and kind with people, like,
I prefer to close that off of my
life so that I can then find
some peace and happiness.
Life so that I can then find some peace and happiness. And that's where I am now.
Some peace and happiness. And that's where I am now. ♪
and that's where I am now. ♪ I am very happy to say that
I always made my mother proud.
You know what I mean?
I've made a lot of great
you know what I mean? I've made a lot of great decisions, though I made a
couple messed-up ones, as well,
learning along the way.
Couple messed-up ones, as well, learning along the way. But I feel like she's always
been, like, "you know, I'm
but I feel like she's always been, like, "you know, I'm super proud of you.
Been, like, "you know, I'm super proud of you. Like, you did everything that I
couldn't set out to do."
like, you did everything that I couldn't set out to do." you know what I'm saying?
Couldn't set out to do." you know what I'm saying? Like, "I tried and couldn't.
You know what I'm saying? Like, "I tried and couldn't. You're so much stronger than me.
You gonna be alright."
you're so much stronger than me. You gonna be alright." like, those kind of things.
And I think that that is the
whole reason I just knew
and I think that that is the whole reason I just knew something was about to happen,
because she was saying a lot of
that, even when I was seeing her
the last time.
That, even when I was seeing her the last time. You know, like, she was saying
those things that, like, pac was
you know, like, she was saying those things that, like, pac was saying, you know, when I seen
him the last time.
Saying, you know, when I seen him the last time. And I'm like, "why are you
talking like you're not here?"
and I'm like, "why are you talking like you're not here?" like, waka would be right there.
Talking like you're not here?" like, waka would be right there. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, waka would be right there. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, "you giving up already?"
do you know what I'm saying? Like, "you giving up already?" you know what I'm saying?
Like, "you gonna be okay
without me."
like, "you gonna be okay without me." it's like, "just what the hell?"
you know?
It's like, "just what the hell?" you know? But my last conversation with my
mother was -- was her speaking
but my last conversation with my mother was -- was her speaking to me about how supportive I was
during her journey here.
To me about how supportive I was during her journey here. "and you never disrespected me.
During her journey here. "and you never disrespected me. You was always respectful.
You know, you always supported
you was always respectful. You know, you always supported me," and she wouldn't let me
you know, you always supported me," and she wouldn't let me put her into another rehab
again.
Put her into another rehab again. She told me that she wasn't
gonna, you know...
But from what I hear, right
before she passed -- I mean,
but from what I hear, right before she passed -- I mean, from what I hear -- I wasn't
around then -- you know, that
she was actually doing well and
she had went to a rehab herself.
She was actually doing well and she had went to a rehab herself. I didn't -- you know, didn't
know that.
And she had spent enough time in
there to actually get her own
and she had spent enough time in there to actually get her own place.
There to actually get her own place. I didn't -- I didn't know that.
Place. I didn't -- I didn't know that. So I guess she -- she gave it a
try, this -- as of recently.
♪
um, I'm still -- I don't know.
I'm coping, still.
Um, I'm still -- I don't know. I'm coping, still. It's kind of -- you know,
it's new.
It's really new.
It's new. It's really new. And I don't know yet how it's
it's really new. And I don't know yet how it's affecting me, but so far,
and I don't know yet how it's affecting me, but so far, I've been stronger.
Affecting me, but so far, I've been stronger. It's, like, the night of her
passing, I stopped, you know,
it's, like, the night of her passing, I stopped, you know, drinking.
Passing, I stopped, you know, drinking. Like, that was a thing.
Drinking. Like, that was a thing. So I'm happy I did that --
like, that was a thing. So I'm happy I did that -- you know? -- Because it's really
so I'm happy I did that -- you know? -- Because it's really emotional.
You know? -- Because it's really emotional. You know, everything is really
emotional.
And I'm just like, I'm here and
I'm in the now.
And I'm processing every emotion
that I feel.
And I'm very present.
That I feel. And I'm very present. And I'm moving more with intent
and I'm very present. And I'm moving more with intent and -- and things.
You know?
And -- and things. You know? And making sure that I'm very
you know? And making sure that I'm very present in my children's life,
and making sure that I'm very present in my children's life, making sure that I'm...
Present in my children's life, making sure that I'm... You know, I'm just -- it just --
it strengthened me a little --
you know, I'm just -- it just -- it strengthened me a little -- like, made me a little...
It strengthened me a little -- like, made me a little... I don't know if it's her that's,
like, around or making me
stronger, but it could be,
possibly.
Stronger, but it could be, possibly. ♪
shortly after my mother passed,
I lost my father.
Shortly after my mother passed, I lost my father. My father, leon cole -- how I
got my name.
[ chuckles ]
I'm handling the grieving
process with no liquor -- do you
understand? -- Because that is
gonna take me over the edge.
Gonna take me over the edge. I could not have another drink.
Oh, no, not gonna happen.
Not even a cocktail,
not even a cocktail, not a mimosa.
Not a mimosa. That's the only thing I was
that's the only thing I was upset with myself about, like,
when my mother passed, is
because, like, I was taking
shots of tequila to take away
the pain.
The pain. That's the only thing I regret,
that's the only thing I regret, because I should have set in
those moments and felt whatever
it was that I was really
feeling, instead of, you know,
being so mad or angry about it.
Being so mad or angry about it. And just, like, I was really
and just, like, I was really angry.
Angry. You know what I mean?
And, um, but now I'm just more
and, um, but now I'm just more like, you know -- I'm just open
to the thoughts of what's
happening and maybe what it's
for and just what can make me
better as a person, in regards
to everything that's happening.
To everything that's happening. ♪
what people don't know that I
was dealing with are -- I mean,
have been working through -- is
depression for a very long time.
Depression for a very long time. Definitely understanding that,
definitely understanding that, as of recently, especially when
my mother passed.
My mother passed. Like, a lot of things just came
like, a lot of things just came to a clear, abrupt stop
when my mother passed.
When my mother passed. Everything was mucky, and I
everything was mucky, and I didn't understand a lot.
Didn't understand a lot. You know what I'm saying?
But then, when my mother passed,
but then, when my mother passed, I was just like, "bro, it was
crazy."
like, I just literally woke up,
like, from a dream or something.
Like, from a dream or something. You know what I'm saying?
Like, "what's going..."
like, "what's going..." "aw, no, aw, no.
You've been -- you've been
you've been -- you've been dealing with...
Dealing with... Girl, no."
girl, no." they could be 40.
They could be 40. I just turned 40.
You know, it could be that,
you know, it could be that, as well.
As well. It's a lot of things. You know?
It's just a lot of things, and
it's just a lot of things, and me just learning and growing and
understanding is just like,
"no more.
No, I don't give a damn.
No more."
no more." you know?
You know? Well, I think what I didn't
well, I think what I didn't realize about depression is that
you don't want to do a lot.
You don't want to do a lot. You know?
That, um, you want to stay in
that, um, you want to stay in the room, you want to stay in
the bed, you don't want to move.
The bed, you don't want to move. You know what I'm saying?
And, like, drinking.
You know what I'm saying?
And not just for social.
It's more like, "no, I'm trying
it's more like, "no, I'm trying to get away from this [bleep]
pain that's been hurting me for
so long, and I don't know what
to do about it."
right?
Right? It's, like, that kind of
it's, like, that kind of depression.
Depression. And it could be a thing where I
and it could be a thing where I just want it so much more
for my life.
For my life. You know?
A lot of it, I didn't have
a lot of it, I didn't have control over -- immediate
control over.
Control over. Like my mother, you know, like
like my mother, you know, like my family situation, you know,
like the failed relationships,
and things like that.
And things like that. So, when you're dealing with
so, when you're dealing with other people, it's hard to
control things -- right? --
Control things -- right? -- Because you have to deal with
because you have to deal with other people, you have to,
"okay, no, this is something
that you're feeling and I feel,
and then we're coming together.
And then we're coming together. We try to bring this thing
we try to bring this thing together."
and not all the time will it
work out.
Work out. You know what I mean?
And so I think that is a lot of
and so I think that is a lot of depression, you know?
Depression, you know? And that's maybe another reason
and that's maybe another reason why I'm cutting a lot of things
out, so right now it's just me.
Out, so right now it's just me. And I don't have to deal with
and I don't have to deal with nothing else right now.
Nothing else right now. I just want to deal with my
thoughts, my crap -- right? --
Thoughts, my crap -- right? -- So I could figure my stuff out
so I could figure my stuff out and not everybody else's stuff.
I need my own stuff to be
figured out right now.
You know?
So I think that is a sign that
I'm figuring it out and getting
better.
I want to tell y'all what I
would tell myself.
And what I would tell myself is
that you need to stay focused,
keep your eyes on the prize, and
off them boys!
[ laughs ]
and just love yourself
wholeheartedly and just really
appreciate what you do have
and not what you don't.
♪