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[narrator] In 2004,
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the Carolina Panthers faced off
against the New England Patriots.
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It's considered one of the best
Super Bowl games ever played,
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but it went down in history
for another reason.
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[man] Many who watched the game on CBS
saw something they weren't expecting
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during the halftime show that left
singer Janet Jackson overexposed.
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Accident or planned shock stunt,
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or wardrobe malfunction. Whatever it was…
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Viacom, which owns CBS,
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will have to pay 550,000 dollars.
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[narrator] The next day,
Janet Jackson apologized.
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I am really sorry
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if I offended anyone.
That was truly not my intention.
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[narrator] But the media
couldn't get enough.
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A, quote, "friend" of Justin Timberlake
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anonymously told tabloids
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she lied to him
and had taken advantage of him
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to keep her career alive.
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Which was part of a pile-on
that Janet Jackson was to blame.
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And the next week, when Justin apologized,
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he opened with a laugh line.
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Listen, I know it's been
a rough week on everybody,
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-and…
-[laughter]
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[narrator] And could hardly
hold back his smirk.
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What occurred was unintentional,
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completely regrettable,
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and I apologize if you guys were offended.
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[narrator] That wouldn't fly
as an apology today.
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We are in an age of apology.
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We cannot read the news
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without learning about
a new public apology that's been offered.
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[narrator] From politicians,
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celebrities,
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and even governments
apologizing for past crimes.
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I think one of the concerns
people may have
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is that with there being
so many apologies out there
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that they may be less effective.
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[Schumann] Something called
normative dilution.
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[narrator] The more people apologize,
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the more we expect apologies,
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but the less willing we are to forgive.
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As people get more sophisticated
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and see more of these type of apologies,
they do hope for more.
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They hope for some sign that it's actually
coming from the person's heart.
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[narrator] So, what makes a good apology,
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and what power do they really hold?
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I can't tell you how sorry I am.
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[woman] He'll probably have
a perfectly good explanation
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for why he was so late.
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-Then he'll apologize.
-Apology!
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We come together today
to offer our nation's apology.
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I must take complete responsibility
for all my actions.
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[man] I did not come here to apologize.
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I'm not gonna change my mind and
I'm not going to be apologetic about it.
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This is an opportunity
to put the past behind you.
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[Palmer] "Forgive me, God,
for I have sinned."
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For thousands of years
in the English-speaking world,
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as far as we can tell,
these were the only apologies.
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Apologies to a higher power.
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A researcher analyzed
all the surviving texts in Old English
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and couldn't find
any genuine instance of apologizing.
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But then, in the 1590s,
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Shakespeare wrote these words:
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"My lord, there needs no such apology."
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"I do beseech your Grace to pardon me."
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It was the first known use of "apology"
in the modern sense
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and a whole new ritual,
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performing our inner contrition
to our fellow man.
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It's difficult to apologize,
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and it's difficult to apologize
in a sincere, meaningful way.
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[Palmer] But there's usually
a handful of key elements.
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First, an expression of remorse.
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So, this is what we think of
when we think about what an apology is.
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"I'm sorry. I apologize. I feel terrible."
Those types of statements.
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[Palmer] Number two.
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Acknowledging the harm and suffering
the victim experienced
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as a result of our actions.
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That helps them feel
validated and understood.
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You also really want
to take responsibility.
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It's really psychologically important
for the victim to hear that.
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[Palmer] Offering an explanation
for your behavior can help.
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And then, to move forward…
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[Schumann] An offer of repair
or commitment to change.
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[Palmer] And finally,
a request for forgiveness.
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In Karina's research,
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people usually say they include
four or five of these elements
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in their everyday apologies.
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But in reality, it's typically just two.
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[Schumann] You are battling
this push and pull
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between wanting to do the right thing,
wanting to repair the relationship,
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wanting to make
the other person feel better,
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but also protecting
your self-identity as a good person,
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not only to the other person,
but also to yourself.
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That can be very uncomfortable.
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[Palmer] And public apologies
can be an even trickier performance.
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It's hard to satisfy
an audience of millions.
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There are a ton of considerations
when one's deciding whether to apologize.
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One of the most important is the audience
that matters the most to you.
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[Palmer]
Matthew Hiltzik is a crisis manager
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with a lot of star clients.
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It's a thriving business.
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I'm gonna answer this.
I need to just take a call in a second.
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Let me do this, and I'll come right back.
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Can I pause for one second?
I apologize. I just need…
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I apologize for these breaks.
This should not hopefully take very long.
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Little busier than I thought.
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Yeah, it's just one of these days.
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I apologize in advance.
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You've seen a significant reduction
in the big get of an interview,
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where you have the celebrity on the couch.
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I'm sitting here today to acknowledge that
and to say I'm sorry for that.
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I just want to apologize.
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I'm sorry, and I don't deserve
or expect your forgiveness.
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They're not taking the chance
of having to subject themselves
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to the interview process from others.
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They have the chance to be able
to speak directly to their audiences
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in a way that never happened in the past.
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[Palmer] Which is a different kind
of performance in direct-to-camera videos.
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I'm very sorry to anybody
who's taken offense.
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I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt.
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I apologize.
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[Palmer] Or statements given
a personal touch
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by writing them on the iPhone Notes app,
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taking a screenshot
and posting that to social media.
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And so on the one hand, it's great,
because it's a lot easier.
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You can just say what you want to say
and exactly how you want to say it.
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[Palmer] But even with that extra control,
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a lot of people still struggle
to hit these marks.
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The biggest mistake that people make
when apologizing is to interweave
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little defensive components in there
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that help them save face,
that help them protect their self-image.
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[Palmer] Expressions of remorse
that don't sound that remorseful.
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I sincerely apologize.
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I'm a comic.
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I crossed the line.
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I moved the line.
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[Palmer] Or sounding too remorseful.
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I'm so sorry.
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[sniffles]
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[sobbing] I hope one day that you guys…
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can see me for the woman that I am.
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[Palmer] Laura Lee later apologized
for her apology.
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In that video,
I come off more as a victim.
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I am not a victim
in any way, form, or fashion
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in this situation.
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[Palmer] There's also
a tendency to deflect blame,
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like suggesting
the reaction is the real problem.
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I didn't want all the screaming
and yelling about this trip
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to distract even one moment
from the real issues
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that I think Texans care about.
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[Palmer] Or avoiding "I" statements.
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I am sorry she was treated
the way she was treated.
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[Palmer] Or in the case of Ja Rule,
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who co-produced
the disastrous Fyre Festival,
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you can be a lot more explicit.
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Putting your foot down and saying,
"I'm standing by my actions."
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"I refuse to apologize for this."
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This comes with a power boost
and self-esteem boost
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because people feel like they're
taking control back over the situation.
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[Palmer] And that's a natural impulse,
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especially when the situation
isn't so clear-cut.
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Oftentimes, we all feel
a little bit victimized, at least.
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And we all feel like we're the ones
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who deserve an apology
from the other person.
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[Palmer] Which is why some experts say
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a good apology
shouldn't be a performance at all,
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but really, a conversation.
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My name is Donnell Penny.
I'm from Brooklyn, New York.
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Lafayette Gardens, not too far from here.
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[Palmer] In the summer of 2011,
Donnell was going about a regular day,
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until his brother burst into the room.
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[Penny] His eye is all swollen,
his nose is bleeding.
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He's looking real bad.
And I'm like, "What happened?"
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And he tells me that at a bus station,
he was jumped.
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Mind you, there's always been
some type of bad energy on that corner,
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because that corner cuts off
the neighborhood in which two gangs rival.
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[Palmer] Donnell's brother
was a quiet kid, a bookworm.
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So, for me, it was, "Let me go outside
so they can see who I am,
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and whose brother that was,
and we can get to the bottom of this."
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[Palmer] As Donnell and his brother
walked back to the scene,
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they drew a crowd.
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When they got to the bus stop,
they confronted a guy there
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who they thought was involved.
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They began to form, like, a circle
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and they asked me
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why did I do something
to one of their friends
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on the bus earlier that day.
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And I just told them that,
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"No. I don't know
what you're talking about. It's not me."
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And they kept saying that it was me.
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I became agitated.
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[Palmer] And then Brandon
pulled out a razor,
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slashed Donnell's brother in the face
and took off running.
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[Penny] So automatically I go red.
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[Palmer] They chased Brandon into a deli.
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[Brandon] We began to fight.
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[Penny] One of the gentlemen
that was with us
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grabbed the knife from over
the deli counter and stabbed him.
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It almost punctured my lungs.
I received 160 staples.
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[Palmer] Both Donnell and Brandon
were arrested and faced years in prison.
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My name's Danielle Sered.
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I'm the Executive Director
of Common Justice.
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The district attorney and the court
will come to an agreement
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that so long as somebody
participates fully in Common Justice,
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they are willing
at the end of that process
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to dismiss the felony charges
against that person.
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At the core of our work is a restorative
justice-based alternative to prison.
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The term "restorative justice"
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became popularized
in the United States in the '70s,
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even though it draws from traditions
that long predate that.
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[Palmer] The core idea is a circle.
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[Sered] It includes the person
responsible for the harm,
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the person who was hurt,
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their support people, their loved ones.
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[Penny] One of them was my mother
and one was my aunt.
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[Brandon] I came into the circle
with my mother and my girlfriend.
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[Palmer] And a facilitator.
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The process goes through
many of these steps of an apology,
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but saying sorry isn't required.
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They start with the explanation.
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We had to connect the story together
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in order to understand
why did we react the way we did.
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And there was parts of it
that they didn't know about.
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At a point before me cutting
Penny's brother,
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a gun was flashed.
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[Palmer] The gun.
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Donnell had no idea that someone
in his group had taken out a gun.
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And I had this eureka moment, like,
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"Of course you would swing."
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My anger shifted, really.
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It shifted, one, to the guy
who was in the back of me
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and to me, for having
those type of damn people around me.
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I literally started spewing,
and I was like,
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"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
And I kept saying it.
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I went outside
trying to protect my brother,
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and I really hurt a brother.
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And I'm sorry I hurt my other brother.
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[Palmer] The apology that wasn't required
was volunteered.
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I remember about Penny's apology
just how genuine it was.
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It just felt organic.
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I apologized as well,
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00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:03,306
and I just felt like
we knew each other for years.
243
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,225
In many ways,
244
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:08,728
trauma distills down to powerlessness,
245
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:12,023
which means that the opposite
of trauma isn't help.
246
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,567
The opposite of trauma is power.
247
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[Palmer] And that's how
they approach repair.
248
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,988
The circle brainstorms together
249
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,991
a list of actions
that would help make things right
250
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:25,787
and form a binding agreement
that's visible to the courts.
251
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,957
I was told to write a letter to my son,
252
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,833
explaining what happened
253
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:34,295
and a life lesson that I wanted
to teach him from that situation.
254
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:38,466
[Palmer] Donnell and Brandon
also went back to the scene together.
255
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:40,301
[Penny] We went back to that bus stop,
256
00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:43,388
very early in the morning,
when nobody was out there.
257
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,974
[Palmer] With flowers and a teddy bear.
258
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:49,060
[Brandon] And also some balloons
that we released into the air.
259
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,520
[Palmer] Like a memorial.
260
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,690
[Penny] When you see a memorial
in your neighborhood, you're saying,
261
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:57,902
"This person moved on to a better place,
but this negative thing happened."
262
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:02,532
[Palmer] Governments have embraced
restorative justice models, too.
263
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,785
South Africa's
Truth and Reconciliation Commission,
264
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:08,871
or TRC, is the most famous example.
265
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:12,000
Chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
266
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:14,627
it was an effort to heal after apartheid
267
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:19,173
by gathering testimony from victims
about the crimes that had taken place
268
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:24,846
and granting amnesty to perpetrators,
who came forward and told the whole truth.
269
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:29,017
Approximately 40%
of South Africans watched
270
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,060
as the first victims testified,
271
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,689
including a woman named Nomonde.
272
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:38,234
I knew for a very long time
273
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:43,740
that my husband has been killed
by the State Security police.
274
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,951
That I really wanted to say in public.
275
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:51,039
[Palmer] In 1985,
Nomonde's husband, Fort Calata,
276
00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:54,208
along with three other
anti-apartheid activists,
277
00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:57,211
had been beaten, stabbed,
278
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,964
and left in a burnt-out car.
279
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,425
No one was ever held accountable.
280
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:06,346
[wailing in despair]
281
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:13,019
Archbishop Desmond Tutu called her cry
"the defining sound of the TRC."
282
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,813
[Nomonde] I just couldn't take it.
283
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,232
I never had
284
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,944
enough time with my husband
285
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,447
in our marriage.
286
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,200
It was too quick and too short.
287
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:31,371
Every day, it feels
as if it just happened yesterday.
288
00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:36,459
She represented each and every other woman
289
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:40,046
who never had a cathartic moment.
290
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:44,592
[Palmer] A few months later,
the TRC contacted Nomonde.
291
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,427
Someone had come forward.
292
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:49,263
[Nomonde] With the name of Eric Taylor.
293
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,642
He's fully taking responsibility
294
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,894
of killing Fort Calata.
295
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:59,607
[Palmer] Nomonde watched
as Eric Taylor gave his testimony.
296
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:04,904
[translator] I hit Mr. Calata from behind
with this heavy iron object,
297
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:08,074
and I set both these bodies alight.
298
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:13,037
[Palmer] He'd been ordered
to commit the murders,
299
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,415
but refused to say by whom.
300
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:19,168
[Nomonde] He asked me, will I forgive him?
301
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:23,047
I do have a place in my heart
for forgiveness,
302
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:26,759
but how can I forgive you,
303
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,929
who is still lying?
304
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:33,599
[Palmer] The TRC denied
Eric Taylor's amnesty application,
305
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,102
but he was never actually prosecuted.
306
00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:39,730
[Nomonde] Until the day
when you come up and tell the truth
307
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,649
in front of everyone,
308
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:45,278
and you get your punishment
for killing my husband,
309
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:49,073
then I will rethink of forgiveness
after that.
310
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:53,744
I will not go so far as to say that
311
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:58,916
every type of person
requires forgiveness to be able to heal.
312
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,627
Some people might heal more
from being vengeful,
313
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:06,549
some people might heal more
from just avoiding it and pushing it away,
314
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:11,554
as far away from their memory
and their daily life as they possibly can.
315
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,807
[Dorothy] The essence of truth
will be our healing.
316
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,143
Whoever is running around,
317
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:20,855
depriving us of that truth
318
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:25,151
is perpetuating the trauma in our lives.
319
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:27,987
[Sered] Part of what helps us
come through trauma
320
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,448
is the formation of a coherent narrative.
321
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,034
Like a story about what happened
322
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:36,412
that describes a world
that we can live in.
323
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,748
[Brandon] When we begin
to talk about the story,
324
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,124
I explained that to Don
325
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:43,794
and then they explained to me
from their perspective.
326
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,838
That's when I knew it was genuine.
327
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,925
It's not always a universal narrative.
328
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,302
It sometimes still has gaps in it,
329
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:53,471
it still has tensions in it,
330
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,765
but it's true enough
that it can bear your weight.
331
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,309
[Palmer] As societies,
332
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,312
the stories we tell ourselves
about who's been wronged
333
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,273
and what needs righting,
they shift all the time.
334
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,859
In just the last few years,
335
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:10,863
the sexual harassment of women
became widely recognized
336
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:13,658
as a pervasive and serious problem.
337
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:17,453
And the killing of George Floyd by police
in the summer of 2020,
338
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:20,873
and the worldwide protests
and conversations it sparked,
339
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,793
convinced millions more Americans
340
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,380
that racial discrimination
was a big problem in their country.
341
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,758
People might call this the age of apology,
342
00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:34,679
but in 2020, there were roughly
the same number of apologies
343
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:38,015
reported in The New York Times as in 2010.
344
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:42,019
The real change
was what people were apologizing for,
345
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:46,107
including things that not so long ago
they didn't see as wrong.
346
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:49,610
I didn't consider it
a racist action at the time,
347
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:50,861
but now we know better,
348
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:53,489
and this was something
that was unacceptable and, yes, racist.
349
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,284
I look back today at some of the ways
I've talked casually
350
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:59,662
about people, and gender identity,
and sexual orientation,
351
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,289
and I wonder who that even was.
352
00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:05,167
I now see that we could
and should have acted sooner
353
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:08,045
and acted faster to cut the stops.
354
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,381
I'm sorry that we didn't.
355
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:13,467
The hope is overall
that when you're dealing
356
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:18,139
with a real deep-rooted,
crisis-type situation
357
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:21,225
where people were really hurt
by something someone said or did,
358
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:23,644
that there's a way
to be able to find your way back
359
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:27,607
where you can have your client
or even yourself learn about things.
360
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,485
[Palmer] Public apologies
might be a performance,
361
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,488
but they're also a measure of our values
362
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,325
and can actually help those values spread.
363
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:43,164
Seventeen years after Justin Timberlake
and Janet Jackson apologized to America,
364
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:47,209
Justin Timberlake apologized
to Janet Jackson
365
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:52,173
for benefiting from a system
that condones misogyny and racism.
366
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,885
Apologies can take time.
367
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:59,221
There's a good chance you owe one
that you aren't ready to give,
368
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:02,808
because they're more
than just boxes you can check.
369
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:07,063
I would like to encourage people
to consider it an action
370
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:10,191
that allows you to take control
of your fate in your own way.
371
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,401
It's a pretty courageous thing to do.
372
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,613
What made me feel apologetic
was the connection
373
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:17,823
and knowing
he was a human being who loved,
374
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,660
who dreamed,
and wanted great things just like I did.
375
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,995
Relate enough to be, like, I'm sorry.
376
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,873
I'm sorry for what I've caused,
for what I've done.
377
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:28,709
I'm sorry for the ripple effects
it has caused to your family.
378
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:31,295
I accepted it immediately
'cause I wanted this.
379
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,798
I, I was ready and willing.
380
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:36,342
I look at that day as a gift and a curse,
381
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,804
because I could have had
that encounter with someone else,
382
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:44,350
and it wouldn't have played out like this.
And it helped me mature a whole lot.
383
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,935
And that's my brother now.
384
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:49,021
That situation brought
two strangers together.
385
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:50,856
It's freaking dope.
386
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,193
[closing theme music playing]