Oh hey, uh.
Do you mind just, I don't know, terribly
maybe chewing a little quieter?
Just, yeah, that's fine, do your thing.
It's getting late, we should probably head back.
Hunting at nights illegal in these parts.
What, everything you love is illegal.
Jesus Christ, look at you.
You're breathing like a fucking walrus.
What the fucks wrong with you?
You ever fucking exercise?
Yeah, I have a strict Bikram yoga routine.
Yeah, you best tell Bikram that shit ain't working.
No uh, sorry, it's not, I'm not getting winded,
it's just that, it's a potpourri of awfulness in here.
There's just like a lot of smells.
It smells like death whatever you're eating.
This?
This, my friend, is New Jersey's finest Italian sausage.
This is the best fucking meat in the world.
I can't get enough of this shit.
I've been eating it all fucking day.
You want a bite?
No, I'm good, I'm good, yeah.
Does it smell like that in Jersey?
Oh yeah.
Hey, I got a question for you.
Yeah.
This, this whole two men in a tent thing.
Yeah.
You do this often, you like it?
I mean, I could get used to this shit.
I mean, I'm just saying, you know.
I mean I guess.
Oh.
I'm good. I'm good.
Oh, that's both ends.
Yeah, I need some air.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going over here?
We're having a good time.
Yeah, I'm gonna do a lap.
See if I can scare some deer back this way.
Oh yeah, that's a good idea.
I'll wait here.
If I see him, I'll fucking whack him.
Okay.
I bet you will.
If you don't get whacked by diarrhea first.
Oh, Marone.
What have I gotten myself into?
Hey, invite the new neighbor, she says.
He seems nice, she says.
Okay, you can do this.
Ow, ow, ow thorns.
Thorns.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Circular breathing.
That's how a man breathes.
Here we go.
All right, honey.
I'll show you how manly I can be.
Pauly?
Pauly, please tell me that was you.
Pauly!
Oh fuck.
Pauly.
Hey, Pauly, did you hear that...
What in the Sam Hill happened here?
Pauly.
Okay, this is it.
Oh, yeah, no.
Yeah.
You got this.
They're overpopulated anyway, it's fine.
Okay.
Live and let live.
Hey there, asshole.
Illness that is transmitted through deer ticks.
Lyme disease, category infectious parasitic.
Just kidding.
Interior, dog groomers.
Gina is a perfect 20 for 20 on her veterinary quiz
but number 21 is a real doozy.
What will our heroine do?
Will she rise to the challenge
or will she succumb to the dark forces lurking around her
in the deep dark night.
Okay, Vince, do we really need everything on camera?
It's inspiration for my filmmaking.
Yeah, well I hate being recorded.
Here, Mr. Jordesman.
Oh hello, Jack.
You know, you don't have to sit there the whole
- while I do this. - No, no, no.
I just had an image
and had a feeling you looked mighty hot on camera.
Oh, thank you.
Looking like a Cinemax movie.
Oh.
Hey, how's Mrs. Jordesman?
Yeah.
That slow motion, sweaty hot.
You know what I'm saying?
Playboy, Playboy channel.
Would you like to pay cash
or put that on your tab?
Yeah, put it on the tab.
Okay.
Have you ever groomed a man before?
Okay, Mr. Jordesman, we're all going to lunch,
so we're gonna close up the shop.
You know I'm pretty neat in that department.
- Okay. - Okay.
I don't need grooming
but I'm just saying,
that be kind of fun to try.
A bit inappropriate.
Jack and I together.
That's great.
Cool.
Yeah.
- Bye, Jack. - Bye, Jack.
- Okay. - Thank you, thank you.
Mrs. Jordesman really likes Jack.
Oh well that's.
Threw up a little bit right there.
I don't know, that was very romantic.
Somebody has got a crush on you.
Yeah, please don't go on dates in the workplace, Gina.
No, the only crushing I'm doing
is on this test.
Come on, next one.
Okay, you ready?
Let's do it.
Okay, ready.
This highly contagious viral illness
manifests itself in two forms.
The more common form is intestinal.
Parvo, category infectious parasitic?
Yes.
Bam!
21 in a row.
You're on a roll, Gina.
You're gonna kill this test.
Aw, you guys are so sweet.
Thanks for helping me.
But I just can't get over the sight
of blood and intestines.
Blood and intestines?
Oh.
You sending your strays over to Vince again?
I procure my own meat.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah I do.
Well, you know, the whole town is procuring themselves
some Tablioni's.
I'd be worried if I were you.
Do you know that there is a fucking line
around the block?
Divalio's is grass fed, all organic.
It's pussified.
Hey, stop with the P word.
I'm sorry, Margret Snatcher, did I offend you?
Hey, come on, Dominic.
You mind your fucking business
and get behind the dog, all right, Carlo?
You're a pig.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well pigs are pussies, how 'bout that?
Oh.
You know what, I take that back.
Pigs are smart.
Carlo, I'm gonna be in the back, okay.
I'm sorry.
Loser.
Really, really?
You calling me a loser.
Fucking Martin Fugazi over here wannabe director,
screenwriter, whatever.
Why don't you write this, asshole?
Interior, dog groomers.
Enter Dominic.
Is he gonna smack the shit out of Vince?
Is he gonna smash Vincent's camera?
How 'bout he does both.
Dominic!
Why am I waiting?
I forgot to open the car door for you.
Forgot to open,
why don't you close this one?
Hey, Dad.
Hey there, hey, Mr. Serrelli.
Hi.
Did you tell him yet?
Nah, pop.
I didn't tell him yet.
Fucking idiot.
Son, you and me, outside.
What's going on, pop?
Everything okay?
You know I love you, son.
Yeah.
Always done my best to protect you
through thick or thin.
And thin.
But I can't keep you out
of the family negotiations anymore.
I'm stuck, I'm caught between a rock
and a hard space, right heres.
It's hard place.
Whatever.
I tried to get the best deal possible,
to keep us alive.
But it came down to you collecting
for the Miolas or marrying Patricia.
So I chose the ladder.
Latter.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
This wedding is gonna happen
and it's happening Saturday, period.
Plus, you gotta give the Miolas a kid.
A, a, a kid?
Am I hearing this right?
This weekend I have to marry Patricia Miola
who's father has called me a poodle fucker
to my face on multiple occasions
and I gotta get her pregnant
or we're all going to war?
Is this right or did I just wake up in Game of Thrones?
There's no game, Carlo.
Preferably a son.
And if it wasn't for Dominic shooting blanks,
it would of been him.
The fucking steroids.
Great.
By God above, I don't know what asshole
rat fuck FBI agent stuck both families in the same town
but he did and it's done.
This is not an arranged marriage,
this is we gotta keep both families alive
and stop them from killing each other, marriage.
See this?
This is the Saint Valentine's pendant
that I gave to your mother
on the night I promised to marry her.
I need,
we need you to give this to Patricia tonight.
Will you do this for us, son?
Atta boy.
God bless you, son.
It's crazy, right?
And now I have to watch my girl marry my little brother.
I mean how fucked up is that?
Yeah.
That's messed up.
Like Medieval messed up.
Color could be worse.
Vince.
All right, let's go Dominic, nature calls.
I'll see you at the wedding, little brother,
and Gina, we'll have some shots at the bar
and we'll see where it goes.
I'm gonna go get some coffee.
I'll be back in a little, okay.
- Gina... - No, no.
Hey, jerk off.
You left your back door open.
Bunch of kids just ran away with your chalupas.
Marone!
All right, let's sit.
Hey, get out of there.
Your fucking kids, Filomena.
Hey, watch your mouth.
Go to the kids area, you little shits.
Go to the kids area.
That's what I just said.
All right, let's say grace.
Whoa, whoa.
Where's Father Mike?
I think he went to the bathroom.
I'll get him.
Come on, I'm fucking starving here.
- I'll be right back. - Put that sausage down.
I'm starving here.
- You put it down.
- Put the sausage down now.
- Shut the fuck up. - Put the fucking sausage.
I'll tell him.
Don't make me take my fucking shirt off, Dominic.
Heya, Patricia.
You gotta go?
No.
Good, I just had to let a couple of shepherds
lead their flock.
Gross.
Look, father, can I talk to you for a second?
Are they making the sausages
with the peppers on it, right now
- and the Parmesan? - No, they're not out yet.
- The Parmesan melt yet? - They're not out yet.
We got a little time.
Okay, sure, sure.
What's on your mind?
Okay.
Well, well I mean this is,
this feels kinda awkward.
Can you go behind the door or you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Uh, uh.
Let me glaze.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, you really, you weren't kidding wow.
Oh my God.
Maybe we just talk through the door.
That would be nice.
Yeah.
Bless me father, for I have sinned.
You don't need to do that.
I really do.
What have you done?
You ever just feel like you're not being yourself?
What do you mean?
You know, I mean like, you know, I'm really pretty
and I stay in good shape and I got lots of friends
and like I do my nails and I get my roots done
and I smell fantastic. None of those are bad things.
No, yeah, I know.
I'm saying the good stuff first.
But.
You swear you're not gonna tell anyone anything?
Yeah.
I stole my wedding dress.
Oh.
Yeah, I walked right into David's Bridal.
It's a really classy place.
And I just walked right out of it.
I mean, what's David gonna do, you know?
I also stole my jewelry.
Oh, uh huh.
And I have a really bad gambling problem.
And I also may have or may not
have been involved in a hit and run.
Well, I mean I definitely hit the guy
but I think he's probably gonna make it.
Father?
Oh my God, like it's really bad, isn't it?
- It's not a problem, actually.
Everything you're saying is really playing the odds, so.
Give it about five Hail Mary's
and say the lord's prayer.
Thank you.
I knew you'd fix it.
That's what I do.
- Thank you. - Yeah, no worries.
Oh, you might want to leave that closed.
- Yeah. - Okay, yeah.
100 percent.
This is why I love Catholicism.
Oh, God.
Don't worry, baby.
Come on, come on.
Carlo is gonna show up, all right.
He doesn't have the balls to have balls.
He's a little nervous.
It's a big day, it's a big day for him.
It's a big night.
All right, you're gonna be alright.
He's coming, all right.
Everybody's already here.
Hey, you're late.
Set out a plate for you and everything.
We're starving here.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're sorry.
You should be sorry.
You disrespected your entire family.
Especially your beautiful new fiance.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Patricia, how you doing?
I'm good, thank you.
Okay, we're all good.
That's good, sit down.
Let's eat.
Hey, Filomena, where's Pauly at?
Don't get me started, Dom.
All right the asshole took off yesterday,
didn't even say anything.
I caught him eye banging that hooker
that runs that Pilate studio,
you know the one that only wears yoga pants
on days of the week that end with a Y.
It's like, all right already with the camel toe
you fucking bitch.
Hey, Dominic.
How did that clandestine trip go to the East Coast
with our friend Vito Morelli?
You aint gonna see him no more, pop.
That's a good boy, son.
She thinks she's all that
'cause she's always strutting for all the boys.
Give him the old melon tester?
Of course, I know the rule.
That's a good boy.
That's right, he knows the rule.
Everybody.
Always leave one in the head.
I don't give a fuck if you can crush a bowling ball
between your thighs.
If you look at my husband one more time
I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off.
Always leave one in the head.
Hey, son.
You forgetting something?
The necklace.
Give her the necklace.
Patricia, this is for you.
- Oh wow, this is beautiful. - Oh my God.
Look at this.
This is Saint Valentine, right?
That's so sweet.
I guess it's official now, huh, little brother?
Yeah.
That's all.
Hey, Patricia, welcome to the family.
Oh, my God, thank you.
I've got something to say.
Everybody, my son has something to say.
What, did you knock up one of them doggies
at your groomer place?
Oh yeah, you were grooming her real hard, right.
Oh sorry, him.
That doesn't even make any sense.
It kinda does.
No it doesn't.
Why are you laughing?
Stop laughing, it doesn't make any sense.
Hey!
I thought that be more dramatic then it was.
Listen, Patricia.
I'm all for making peace within the families
but here's the thing.
I don't love you.
I'm pretty sure you don't even like me.
Why should we let some antiquated family squabble
dictate the rest of our lives?
I don't want to marry someone because it's some arrangement.
I want to marry for love.
True love.
Storybook love.
Happily ever after love.
Don't you?
I'm calling my father.
And I'm gonna tell him what you did.
And I'm never giving this jewelry back.
Ever!
Marone.
Way to go you poodle fucker.
Now how are we gonna get her back to the table?
Huh?
Never gonna happen.
I don't fuck the poodles.
Why do you all think I fuck poodles?
I knew you'd fuck this up.
You know what the problem is,
it's that whore Gina down at the shop.
Hey, don't you call her that.
That's what she fucking is!
No, she's not.
- Carlo! - That's what she is.
We had a deal.
Thank God your mother's not alive to see this,
God rest her soul.
Mom would not of wanted any of this.
Don't you talk about your mother.
You gonna go down to Mr. Miolas tonight,
you're gonna face him man to man
and you're gonna tell him you're gonna marry his daughter.
You're right, pop.
All right.
I'm gonna go to Mr. Miolas house
and I'm gonna tell I'm not marrying his daughter
because somebody's gotta listen to reason around here.
What did you say?
I'm telling Miola no.
I'm sorry, Pop.
I gotta do this.
No, no.
You are not doing this.
Sorry, Father Mike.
Stop, come back here.
Come back here and clean up this plate.
Can I get another plate
of like the sausage and meatballs only?
- Absolutely. - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you. - I got you.
No, Carlo come back.
Carlo, Carlo!
Don't do this.
This is suicide.
I don't want to marry her.
It's not about what you want.
It's about what you have to do now.
Innocently putting bows on Mrs. Jordesman Maltese
or blow drying the balls of Mr. Friedman's german shepherds
while you aint saying nothing about our business
aint enough no more.
Your ride is over.
You gotta pay the piper.
Jesus Christ, Pop.
This isn't Sicily.
This isn't even New Jersey.
No one knows who we are
or what our families do or did.
Last week, I caught Dominic trying
to shake down the old lady that owns Crystals and Candles.
Hey, you got a really nice shop here
it be a shame if something happened to it.
You know what happened?
She tried to buy insurance,
like legit small business owners insurance.
It's different here
and you're the only one who doesn't...
They're gonna kill Dominic.
It all changed after what happened at CC's last month.
Wait, you mean Joey Miola getting killed?
That wasn't on us.
I know.
But Mr. Miola doesn't see it that way
and I know, you and your brother did everything
you could to help him.
But he still blames you for Joey's death.
It's an eye for an eye.
It's a grandson for a son.
Carlo, you don't do this.
The Miolas they're gonna keep coming,
they're gonna go after you,
they're gonna go after your friends
and then they're gonna kill me.
All right, I'll do it.
All right.
All right, son.
Now listen, I'm gonna give you something.
You stay here, okay?
You stay.
All right.
Oh, Pop, I don't think...
Ah, no, no.
Jesus Christ.
Don't, goddamn it.
Sorry, I just.
Okay.
- Down. - Down.
I don't think this is gonna help.
It's gonna help, trust me.
Now look.
This is your mother's ring, all right?
I want you to take this, you show it to Mr. Miola.
You tell him and you show him you mean business, all right?
All right.
And hey, who knows,
maybe Patricia turns out to be a freak in bed
and you fall in love.
Well, she's been with Dominic.
So she definitely has mouth herpes.
That's the spirit, son.
Now remember, you gonna use that piece.
Always leave one in the head.
- I know, I know. - Yeah, yeah.
Now get the fuck out of here.
God speed.
- Okay. - Okay.
Hey Patricia, get out of the bathroom.
My son's gonna marry you.
Yeah, come on, I don't feel so good.
I don't wanna hurl on my Gucci.
Oh fuck it, I'll just go to my salon.
Hey, Patricia, come out.
Let's go.
Fucking every girl do the bulimia?
Gina.
Jesus, you scared me.
How'd it go?
Not so good.
Did you break up with her or?
No but she thinks I did.
But I still have to marry her
but Miola thinks I told her no.
So now I gotta go the winery
and tell Mr. Miola in person, out of respect,
that I'm gonna marry his daughter
and be a miserable
for the rest of my life
but I don't have a choice.
What?
They're gonna kill Dominic.
I gotta protect my family.
They've been protecting me my whole life.
I just thought you should know.
I'll call you.
The Miolas are crazy
and if you go alone, you're just as nuts as they are.
Let's go get Vince.
What, why?
For backup.
Oh yeah.
No, like to film it,
just in case we have to go to trial or something.
Great, my death will be filmed.
Ramon, how could you bring this garbage
into my restaurant.
Have you even tried them?
They're delicious.
No, they're not delicious.
They're full of crud.
Vince, Vince, we gotta go.
Carlo needs our help, let's go.
What did he say?
He says he loves and respects you.
Let's go.
Every freaking time!
Come on!
I'm...
You okay over there?
I am good.
Really really good.
Good.
You know, actually I'm a little mashood.
Mushade.
Thank you, Vince.
It's a perfect time to correct my Italian.
Get it right.
Maybe some liquid courage is in order.
Yeah, yeah I could use a quick beer.
Yeah.
My glucose is low.
Mr. Perriti's pit bull ate my veggie burger
and fries out of my backpack.
Oh no.
CC's is on the way.
Oh good, okay.
You know, in the old days,
they used to do arranged marriages.
It was all about property and wealth acquisition.
I mean, true love doesn't exist anyway.
I mean there's no guarantee
to have a happily ever after.
Maybe, I start unhappy
and I bump into happiness along the way?
I could do it all in reverse.
Okay, you know what,
I just gotta say one thing to you
because it's really important...
Holy shit!
Look at CC's.
- Oh. - Oh my gosh.
Forget this, we don't have time.
Now that's irresponsible drinking.
Fucking millennials,
they can't handle their sausage and booze.
So, in case we don't make it tonight
there's a secret I wanna tell you.
You can tell me anything, you know that.
I was married before.
What?
Yeah.
You never told me that.
I know, 'cause it was someone I didn't love.
You know, my parents arranged this marriage
and it was the whole Latin tradition thing,
get married and have kids
I was so miserable.
I finally got enough courage
and I divorced him
but my whole family disowned me.
Oh, my, that sucks.
- Yeah. - I'm really sorry.
No, it's okay.
'Cause then I met you.
And Vince.
Yeah.
And then I met you and Vince
and three years ago, you guys became my family.
I'm just worried, Carlo, if you marry Patricia
you are going to be off with some stupid girl
and I'm gonna be stuck with your cousin.
I'm, I'm here, I'm right back here.
Yeah, I know.
Look, you gotta go save your family.
So do what you gotta do.
I just always thought the person I marry
was gonna be my best friend.
So did I.
Oh, geeze.
- Vince. - Vince, you're leaking
back there.
- I can. - What?
I can taste that.
It wasn't me.
It's, it's out...
For fuck's sake, Dante.
Right in my ficus?
Yo, Mickey, help your cousin clean that shit up.
Get him off the pinot.
She still in there?
Yeah, she's still in there, Pop.
Come on, sweetie.
Open the door.
All right, don't be embarrassed.
I've held your hair 50,000 times before.
Come on.
Listen, son, I'm feeling a little mushade myself.
I'm gonna go upstairs and rest.
You let me know the moment you hear from your brother Carlo.
Pussy's probably half way to Canada by now.
Don't fucking talk about your brother that way.
He is a good boy, he's gonna do what he has to do.
He's probably with Mr. Miola straightening
all this out right now as we speak.
Yeah?
She's on the phone with Miola,
okay, he hasn't even shown up yet.
This fucking night.
Open the door, Patricia
or I'm gonna kick the fucking door down.
Are you okay, sweetie?
You're not gonna die, sweetheart.
Okay?
I'm gonna make sure he marries you
with fucking bells on.
Hey.
Ah, sorry, boss.
You, too?
Oh, sorry, boss.
Sorry, baby, I got fucking Blazing Saddles
going on over here.
All right, listen, daddy is gonna take care of everything,
all right, I love you, sweetheart.
I love you.
Bye bye.
All right, assy and gassy, get over here.
Get Anthony and Mario up to the Serrellis.
They'll show 'em what happens
when people fuck with my trust.
Got it?
Sorry, boss.
I'm off the phone.
It don't matter no more.
I think we can save him.
I don't think so, Gina.
We have to try.
- No, no. - Come on, come on.
Save it from what?
Hey, buddy, it's gonna be okay.
I'm here to help you, this is...
What's wrong?
Oh my God, oh my God.
How did we just hit the head?
Maybe somebody threw it.
Why would somebody throw the head?
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
Hey, uh, guys.
Did you throw a deer head at our car?
Well, we have it
and I know you guys are hunters
and you like that piece hanging on your walls and stuff,
so if you need it.
It's right here.
Oh.
Uh, no, no.
We're good.
We'll just keep.
It's fine.
No, we got it.
Get in the car, get in the car, get in the car!
What are you doing?
Get in the car!
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
You guys, what is that?
Pauly, is that you?
What is your cousin back on meth?
Okay, seat belts, guys.
What was wrong with those guys?
I don't know.
I think they're sick or something.
I mean, they were eating the deer raw.
There's nothing wrong with eating raw meat.
It's actually better than eating meat
pumped full of antibiotics.
Oh come on, Vince.
Now is not the time for your infomercial.
We gotta tell Filomena.
I mean, I saw her Tweet something last night
about, you know, Pauly's cheating ass not coming home
and she hopes he dies from HPV
which I don't think you can die from HPV.
- I mean, that's ridiculous. - Can you just text her,
please, Gina?
No, I don't have her number.
Vince, DM her.
I can't.
She blocked me on all platforms.
Why?
I said something about her big ass.
Well.
I guess this is where I say goodbye.
No, we're coming in with you.
Good luck in there.
Vince.
No, he's right.
Just like you gotta take your veterinary test alone,
Vince has got to write his scripts alone,
I gotta do this alone.
That is not the same thing.
I am not gonna die from a veterinarian test.
I'm not gonna die.
You might die.
Vince.
Carlo!
If you're not back in 20 minutes,
we're coming in to save you.
I don't need saving.
That that rat bastard Serrelli?
You go get him.
You bring him down here, you bring him to me.
Okay, you guys can save me.
Make that 15 minutes.
You guys okay?
Better than you're gonna be, little groomer boy.
Pa rumpa rumpa dumb dumb.
What?
I can do it.
We're going the same way, guys.
Shut up.
He's gonna be all right.
Yeah, at least he's got a gun on 'em.
He doesn't have to count on Clemenza
to plant the gun behind the toilet seat.
What are you talking about?
The Godfather.
Leave the gun, take the cannoli.
That makes no sense.
You gotta see it.
Maybe a movie night with me and you?
You're letting that hug get to your head, Vince.
It felt real.
Ah, my should of been prodigal son-in-law is here.
Hey, hey, hey.
Is that anyway to treat a guest?
Make him comfortable.
Hey, why don't you have a seat
in this nice comfortable chair?
Yeah.
You wanna a sandwich, a sausage?
Maybe you should want a cream soda?
No, thank you, I'm okay.
Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
You said to make him comfortable.
Learn to read a fucking room.
Okay, I was being facetious.
Fa-fa-fa?
You know what.
If my stomach wasn't killing me right now,
I'd slap the shit out of both of ya.
Now get out of here.
Young Carlo and I need to have a word.
It wasn't real, I mean.
- It was, you were there. - No, you held on.
No, you were just there, like
- it could of been anybody. - You held on.
Wait a minute?
If we're factually speaking, you hugged me.
You know what, okay, okay fine.
You're right, Vince.
You're right.
I hugged you.
I hugged you during a very vulnerable time
in my life.
When a decapitated deer carcass
was fused to the hood of this car!
This car right there!
You were there, I'm here.
We're all here.
You know.
Daggers are my specialty.
Back when I studied martial arts.
Of course, I was 14 years old
and it was at the Y.
But it will come back to me, real fast.
You know, I can't.
What.
What, what are you doing?
I can't take it anymore.
We gotta go in.
All right, no.
We are not going in.
We still have 10 minutes on the clock.
You are such a pussy.
Such a double standard
when you use the P word.
Well you could say it when you have one.
So what do we have here?
Freaking electric cars.
Sneaking up like four wheeled ninjas.
The size of your balls.
That you would walk into my house, my home, my castle,
where my wife hardly ever sleeps.
Mr. Miola...
Shut up!
You come here on the week
that should of been my daughter's wedding
and yet you tell me you don't have the guts,
the courage, the coglioni
to marry that beautiful flower,
that sweet angel, the pride of my loins.
But, Mr. Miola...
Shut up again!
My husband sends me across town
to find some roach coach
so he can have his hussy whore over
for a quickie.
Oh no, I'm not, no.
Who are you, her pimp?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Okay, you know what?
Do me a favor, sweetheart.
Wear him out, so he can't annoy me, okay,
'cause I got better things to do with my time
than cater to that asshole.
Those smell too good.
He doesn't deserve both you and the sausages.
They smell fantastic.
Let's go, the gates open, come on.
Your father and I had a trust
that you would do the right thing.
What kind of man doesn't make a sacrifice
for his family?
What kind of man turns away
from the opportunity to bring two houses together?
What kind of man doesn't want to spend the rest
of his life with a beautiful, gorgeous,
smart, Italian goddess, who's body
is so willing to breed.
What kind of man?
I'm gonna marry her!
Mr. Miola, I promised my father I'd marry her.
Okay, I've got the ring.
It's right in my pocket.
Why wouldn't you tell her?
'Cause she locked herself in the bathroom
but my Dad told her.
Didn't she tell you?
Nobody told me anything
and you know why?
Because you're lying.
Lying to save your own miserable skin.
Mr. Miola, I swear on my dead mother's grave,
I am telling you the truth.
Call her.
How the fuck am I supposed to call your dead mother?
No, Patricia.
There's no way we're getting to Carlo
with that big juche up there.
We gotta create a diversion.
Hi, hi.
Or you could just do that.
Are you kidding me?
You brought friends to your fucking funeral?
Sit down.
Or they'll blow her out of her fucking Keds.
Hi, I'm not a fan of blood, guts, and violence.
So I just want...
What do you think you're doing, you big...
So nice of frick and frack
to show up for your death-iversey.
Tonight, you sleep with the fishes, literally.
So here's what gonna happen.
Number one, you are gonna die tonight.
Number two, I'm gonna finish my nice, hot sausage meal
and then I'm gonna kill these two.
Shut up.
You know what?
I'm gonna do you first.
Because your family name
has been an embarrassment since the old country
and every time I drive by that fucking restaurant,
Divalio's Mexican Grill?
You have any idea how stupid that makes you sound?
Why would you save Vince first?
I'm sorry, he was closer.
What, by 17 inches!?
Like, come on.
You guys are arguing like my freaking parents.
Are you guys seeing this?
I got it.
Come on.
Come on, go, go, go, go!
Run!
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Go, go, go.
Exterior, Mr. Miolas house.
Carlo, Gina, and Vince are being chased by zombies.
CC's is right down there.
Did Viola say we gotta kill everybody?
He didn't specify.
Right, right.
He said send a message.
What do you think he meant by send a message?
Send a message.
Let 'em know we mean business.
Yeah but, he couldn't of possibly meant
that we're supposed to kill everybody then,
because...
Oh.
Do you see you what I'm saying?
Right.
Because if we killed everybody.
Then, how you gonna send a message.
Who's gonna get the message?
Aint nobody to receive it.
Right.
All right, so either way,
we've gotta leave somebody alive.
At least one person.
Just one.
'Cause if we leave two people out,
that's sending messages.
Just one person.
Oh that's, that's a valid point right there.
Yeah.
All right.
All right, so from, so,
who do we leave?
Rochambeau for 'em.
You win.
I win.
You always win.
I win like 80 percent of the time.
Let's do this.
I don't know.
He always says that thing
about like killing two birds with one stone.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I think he uses that wrong.
That's almost impossible, right?
It is, right?
I mean to kill two birds with one stone.
I mean who does that?
You can't, you can't unless you got like,
two willing birds who just wanna commit suicide.
Or really good aim
and like two, I guess two dumb birds, or slow birds.
- Right.
You gotta be careful about birds though, man,
'cause birds will pay you back.
Right.
Case one, tryptophan, that's how turkeys get us.
- Tryptophan? - Tryptophan.
Oh man, you know I just think
they're both government conspiracies,
Yeah, that's true
but tryptophan is more natural, right?
Yeah but I mean natural,
but I still think the holiday.
Like two birds, like I've seen enough.
I've flown all them...
Sweet mother in heaven!
Come on!
No!
Zombie!
I think we lost them.
These zombies are freaking fast.
I know.
Why are you some of them fast
and some of them so slow?
The fast ones ate a long time ago
and the slow ones just ate.
How do you know that?
When business is slow,
I read a lot of comics.
Where is everybody?
I'm guessing not here.
We gotta find a way to get inside.
No, no, no.
What if there's zombies inside?
We don't have anywhere else to go, Gina.
We gotta take that chance.
It's locked.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Shaun of the stupid, what are you doing?
Don't you know when you create an opening,
that's the way the zombies get inside.
What do you want me to do, Carlo?
You want me to huff and puff
and blow the door down like Goldilocks and the three pigs?
That's two different stories.
- You guys. - As grandma used to tell...
Guys, look.
See, that's irresponsible.
Anybody could just walk right in.
Quiet.
It was the brick.
- Come on. - Come on.
Vince, we should reinforce that door.
We'll stack tables and chairs
like 28 Days Later.
Somebody there.
You okay?
She's a damn sight better than you're about to be.
Rose, it's me, Vince.
Vinny Vince.
It's me, Carlo.
Hi, I'm Gina.
We haven't met before.
I'm not Rose.
My name is Rosatta Vengence.
I have been here 50 times.
I think your name is Rose.
I became Rosa of Vengeance
when the dead started to walk.
Okay.
When this hell started to unfold,
I made a promise to myself.
I said I will not fall,
like so many of these black folks in these movies
who die at the first stage of conflict,
who don't make it to the end of the story.
No!
I'm not Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park.
I am not Yaphet Kotto in Alien.
Nor am I Duane motherfucking Jones
who gave up himself to save the white men
and women of this movie
only to get killed by a racist white cop in the end.
Night of the Living Dead, 1968, a classic.
Hold your roll, George Romero.
I refuse to be the token death of this story.
I do not die now, I do not die in the end.
No!
My story will not be told by those
who weep from my passing.
My story will be told on high mountaintops
amongst the throngs who worship me.
My story will not be that I fell
to Satan's unleashed army of hell creatures,
my legacy will be...
Holy shit.
Wait, where was I?
It was hard to know at first
but it felt like it was building
towards your ultimate personal destiny
which was of survival and also a self promoted...
It was very empowering.
Self image.
Thank you.
I just have to tell you
that your speech was so inspiring.
Girl, I'm just glad to see some people still alive.
I'm just glad to have a drink.
I am a master mixologist.
With some pretty impressive kill skills,
Rose-atta. Rosatta.
You know what?
You can call me Ms. Vengeance.
Okay.
After I blasted those zombie motherfuckers,
I sealed this whole place up myself.
Which reminds me.
How did you guys get in?
Oh, that was easy.
After Gina found your incredibly irresponsibly
placed hide a key.
We unlocked the door and came in the...
Oh shit.
No.
Holy shit.
Round two, motherfuckers.
Oh fuck, Patrica.
Jesus, I didn't know a broken heart
produced this much vomit.
You feel better?
No, I don't feel better.
He's gonna marry me.
But he doesn't want to marry me.
I definitely want all of that, I wanted it.
The proposal, the.
I always wanted all that true love stuff
that he was talking about, you know,
but it never happened for me.
So be it.
Here I am.
I don't know.
It seemed like a good idea to marry Carlo.
What about me?
Dominic.
You're like a fun toy.
You know?
I'm not in love with you.
I'm in lust with you.
But you don't marry lust.
No, your brother he's,
he's nice and he's sweet, you know, he's intelligent.
And he's not part of all this whole patriarchal bullshit.
Like where a man gotta be a man
and woman's gotta shut up.
My father said that to me all the time.
I want to go to college.
Shut up.
I wanna, I wanna get my masters.
Shut up.
I want to be the face,
the first female president, dad.
Shut up!
Fucking female president.
That's fucking stupid.
Shut up!
Jesus, Patrica.
Shit, what the fuck.
Oh my God.
Dominic.
What the fuck?
Jesus Christ, you look like shit.
What is happening?
Hey, Pop, get down here!
Oh Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
We gotta get you to a hospital.
Hey, Pop!
Pop, get down here, Pop!
Swear to God, Micky,
if you're fucking up my...
- Pop, help! - Holy!
Get the fuck off me, you crazy bitch.
Oh fuck, Dominic!
Dominic!
I'm coming, Dominic.
Help me!
Grab a gun.
Help me!
Ow, fuck!
Fuck, ow!
- Patricia! - Motherfucker!
Let him go.
Oh fuck!
Stand down!
Jesus fucking Christ.
Her teeth are still in here.
My son aint marrying that.
Wait, Dominic.
You're welcome.
Gina, kill it!
I can't.
It's Mr. Jordesman.
I groom his king Charles.
That is not Mr. Jordesman, anymore.
Do it!
Oh no, no, no.
No, no.
Oh no, no, no.
Hey not bad for a girl
who's afraid of the sight of blood.
No, no.
Get back, Morella.
Oh, Ramon!
No, no.
Oh shit.
Ramon, no, no.
Who's watching the restaurant?
Gina, Luca Brasi.
I got this.
Here's your shine box.
What the fuck?
Well, that wasn't so bad.
Clarence.
I told you the first time I put you down.
The first time?
That was my boyfriend, Clarence.
He's dead to me now.
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Temple of Doom.
You know, if you asked me a month ago
if this was what I would be doing,
this was not in my thoughts.
Who are you telling?
One minute people are eating all kinds
of sausages out of a truck,
then the next minute, they running around going crazy,
biting each other and shit.
My family was eating Tablioni's.
Lady Vengeance is outside.
Go save your family.
You're not coming with us?
No, I'ma stay here and protect this house.
Why?
'Cause I'm the goddamn employee of the month.
Thank you.
Thanks for driving.
What are you doing?
You got zombie guts on your neck.
Oh, right.
Zombies, right, how could I forget.
What a crazy, stupid fucking day.
Carlo.
I'm sorry for swearing.
No, no it's okay.
It's the Apocalypse.
Look, we're, gonna get there on time.
We're gonna save your family.
How can you say that?
They were eating Tablioni's.
I don't know.
I'm just, maybe they got a bad batch
of the bad sausage which means it's good.
I'm just trying to be positive here.
I'm positive we're gonna be too late
and I'm positive I'm loser just like Dominic said.
- Okay, you stop. - I'm a fucking loser.
No.
You stop it with that negative talk.
Okay, I saw what you did today.
You had the guts to stand up to your father
and you had the guts to stand up to Mr. Miola
and you had the courage to fight those zombies
and you had the balls to save your friends
and that's why we're still alive.
It's because of you.
You are not a loser.
Because then that would make me a loser,
for loving you.
You love me?
Cue romantic music.
Are we gonna do this rescue thing or not?
Oh, Patricia, shit.
Dad?
What are you doing?
Dominic no!
Dad?
Father Mike, holy shit!
I'm sorry, holy cow.
Help Vince now.
Dad!
Dominic.
Dad!
Get the fuck away from me.
I'm your father, you fuck.
Get away.
Get the fuck away from me!
Dominic.
Get the fuck away from me.
No Dominic.
Dominic.
No, don't hurt him.
He's your brother.
Dominic, no!
No!
Dominic.
Dominic, no.
Don't make me do it.
Pop?
Pop.
Hey, Pop, you remember when I was little
and mom would let me sleep with the light on
and you'd come in and turn it off?
Used to think you were such a dick.
But I know you were just trying to teach me to be strong.
I love you, Pop.
Always leave one in the head.
Well, it looks like the small town
of Lake Elsinore, California is almost back to normal
after suffering what many are calling
an apocalyptic end of the world type illness.
It's been reported that the disease,
which infected the intestines of its victims,
quite literally left the living dead
walking amongst us, feasting on our friends and neighbors.
The source of the infection
was discovered to be of contamination of human remains
ground together in Tablioni's meat sausage,
after finding a couple of teeth hiding
within the tainted meat.
Forensic scientists determined
that the remains belonged to none other
than one Vito Morelli
of the Morelli crime family.
Currently, there are no suspects
as the police intensify their investigation.
Now we turn to a local private citizen,
who's with our lovely Rhonda Perris,
soon to be Jenkins, and she's got great news
for all of us who still love to eat sausage.
Present company included.
Here she is, my fiance, Rhonda.
More of a girlfriend.
Hi, I'm Rhonda Perris
and we do have good news to spread.
I'm here with local restaurateur.
And screenwriter.
Oh, local restaurateur and screenwriter,
Vince Divalio.
Vincent.
- Vincent? - Vincent?
Oh wow, wow, wow.
Not only are you a local business owner
and screenwriter, but some might also classify you
as an action hero for your heroic deeds
that led to the discovery of the disease
and eventually finding a cure.
That's right, Rhonda.
First off, before I tell you my story.
- My story? - My story?
Interesting.
That there is no need to fear any of the food
at Divalio's Mexican Grill,
which, by the way, never shut its doors
in what I like to refer to as
the final war.
Which also happens to be the title
of my feature movie script
about my heroic adventures.
Movie producers, you can call me at Divalio's Mexican Grill
which always has the best, grass fed,
grain free, hormone free, pesticide free,
range free, and just in case you were wondering,
human free, all organic meats.
Wow.
That is a lot of frees.
Oh yeah, but the meat itself is not free,
that you have to pay for.
But um.
I, I.
I could give you some of the meat.
Really?
I like meat.
Wanna show me now?
Oh my god.
Okay, Vince is out of control.
Vincent.
Oh, that's right, I'm sorry.
Vincent.
- Vincent. - Vincent.
Nice to meet you, I'm Vincent.
So ridiculous.
Oh, that's, Mrs. Jordesman.
- Hello, hi there. - Hi.
Mr. Jack is ready for you.
Thank you, Gina
Oh, you are looking fabulous.
Thank you, this old thing?
And you know what?
It's Ms. Jordesman now.
Oh my god, I'm a widow.
That's right.
Ms. Jordesman, we're so sorry to hear about your husband.
He was...
Thank you very much, he was a guy.
You know, and he as alive and now he's dead.
Everyone has their time.
But something good that came out of it is life
insurance policy that I have now.
Whoo.
Okay.
Yes, absolutely.
You look good.
I do?
Uh huh.
Thank you for noticing.
Have you been working out?
Well, a little.
I mean, there was...
Would you like to pay cash or put that on your account?
- On my account would be wonderful.
Okay, I got it.
Thank you, Mrs. Jordesman.
Nice to see you.
And you as well.
I'm single now, just so you know.
- Single lady, single lady. - I heard that, yes.
Working it, working it.
- Okay, congratulations. - Okay, thank you.
Bye.
I'll see you around.
What is that?
I don't know, I think she likes me.
Oh my God.
The customers always right.
I'm just trying to keep the business going.
All right, I am gonna go
and take my test, wish me luck.
You're gonna do so well.
All right, great.
Wait, wait, wait.
Um, could I have my Saint Valentines pendant back?
Sure.
Okay, I mean.
I thought maybe like I could keep it,
'cause you know, I, I killed for it,
quite literally, I mean literally.
No, I know.
It's just.
I just thought you might like this better.
It fits.
Well, are you gonna get on your knees?
There's dog shit down there.
Well just get on one knee at least.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Gina Claudia De La Luna Garcia,
I love you.
I want to have a family with you.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Yes?
Yes, yes.
Did you feel something?
Yup, a little bit.
I felt something.
A little bit.
Your De Niro's terrible!
Oh, what do you know?
Come on.
Go get your shine box.
You talking to me?
Filomena?
Are those cats back?
Filomena?
Are you okay?
Filomena, are you locked in?
It's a latch.
Remember, the latch?
Filomena?
Oh.
Filomena, do you need?
I'm here, I'm here.
I'll help you.
I'm here for...
Hey, Morelli, where are my Tablioni's?