1 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,320 CONOR NARRATES: Things have been a little tense recently. 2 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,040 Everybody seems to be getting on somebody's tits. 3 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,720 I was annoyed with Linda. Fuck's sake! 4 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,960 Linda was annoyed with me. Moron! 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,800 Barry was annoyed with Jock. Fuckers! Bastards! 6 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,640 Jock was annoyed with Barry. Dickhead. 7 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,840 And me mum was annoyed with me, Jock and Barry. 8 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,320 Shut up! 9 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,080 Langer, dickhead, gowl! Out the fucking way. 10 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,080 And with the baby getting so close, it's fair to say that Siobhan 11 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,160 was getting a little bit bothered by it all. 12 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:33,880 My baby will be born in a few weeks 13 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,680 and nobody can fucking get the fuck on! 14 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,240 So Orla had an idea. 15 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:42,000 So I thought it would be really nice if we all went away. 16 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,240 Oh. Yeah...i-it would be. 17 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,640 For a weekend or something. I'd like that. 18 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,440 Like a big family. 19 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:54,840 Well...that's what we're going to be, I suppose. Yes. 20 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,520 And I'm really happy about it. Me too. 21 00:00:58,520 --> 00:00:59,800 SHE LAUGHS 22 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,280 And so we were off to Kerry for the weekend, 23 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,680 to show Siobhan we can all get along because at the end of the day, 24 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,680 all mams need our support. 25 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,000 Mam, you've got to lift with your knees, not with your back. Come on. 26 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,880 Do you think you'll decide to give me a fucking hand at any stage, like? 27 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,760 Good morning, Mairead! 28 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:26,000 Love what you've done with your herbaceous borders there. 29 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,000 What's that that you've planted? 30 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,120 Er...that's just grass, Orla. Beautiful. 31 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,200 Story. How's it going? 32 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,560 So, thinking of a couple of names again last night. 33 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,680 So, what about Beyonce? 34 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,320 We might as well be calling our baby Jesus or something. 35 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,840 What about Madonna? Or is that a bit too old? She a bit dated? 36 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,560 That's a bit dated. Let's hit the road, shall we? 37 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,880 The sooner we get there, the sooner it's over. 38 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:59,000 You do one fucking thing to ruin this trip... Yeah. 39 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,320 ..and I'm telling you now, 40 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,040 when we get home, there'll be fucking war, OK? 41 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,640 Yeah. OK? Not a thing. Don't you worry about it. 42 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,280 Keep smiling. Yeah. Keep smiling. Don't worry. 43 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,640 The less I enjoy it, the more I'll smile, so I won't stop smiling. 44 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,080 Good. Good. 45 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,720 All right, Barry? Orla, hi. Hiya, Jock. How are you getting on? Good. 46 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,280 Looking forward to it? Catch you in a bit, yeah? Can't wait. Catch you in a bit. Can't wait. 47 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,960 Shotgun! Looking forward to spending some time with Linda? 48 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,120 HE SCOFFS Fuck, no. 49 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,440 Why would I? I don't care about Linda. 50 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,440 Oh, you're just upset because she went on a date with Eoin O'Hanlon. 51 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,040 No, I'm fucking not! All right. I didn't even remember that! 52 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:43,480 Because I was too busy not thinking about Linda. All right. 53 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:48,000 You know, the countryside's a very romantic place. 54 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,200 I defy any woman to look at the harshest knob 55 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,440 and not feel a stirring in the heart. 56 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,840 Ain't that right, Mairead? 57 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,280 Mairead! 58 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,720 It is right, though, isn't it? It's right. 59 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,760 Just drive the fucking car, Barry, will you? I can't find the fucking keys. Yeah, typical. 60 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,040 Ruining it before we even fucking get going! 61 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,560 ENGINE STARTS 62 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,120 CONOR: Jock's mam gave birth to him 63 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:18,000 prematurely in Dunnes Store shopping centre, so as a result, every time 64 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,280 Siobhan does a hiccup, he thinks she's going to pop the baby out. 65 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,600 What are they pulling over for? I don't fucking know why. 66 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,080 Do you think she's all right? 67 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,760 What's up?! What's up?! H-H-Have your waters broken?! 68 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,560 No, I just need a piss. 69 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:35,920 Found some tissues, love. 70 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,920 I'll help you wipe yourself, all right? 71 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:44,480 Relax. Relax. Just, er... she needs to go for a piss. 72 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,800 When I was younger, I used to have difficulty acting 73 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,720 cool in front of girls but lately, I've fucking nailed it. 74 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:02,640 Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine, why? Just asking. I'm good. 75 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:07,240 I'm really good. I bet you are. Why? 76 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,480 So, I heard you went on a date with Eoin O'Hanlon the other day. 77 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,560 Sort of. 78 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,320 We just went to McDonald's, like. 79 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,600 I hope you two are very happy together. 80 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,160 Genuinely. 81 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,160 SHOES SQUEAK 82 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,960 I was actually... I was on a date earlier as well. That's good. 83 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,320 Yeah, it was. It was...great. 84 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,040 She lives, she's from down... Germany, so... 85 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,920 you wouldn't know her, like. What's her name? 86 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,760 Her name? Yeah. 87 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,680 Shit! Fuck! 88 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,120 Fucks! 89 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,280 Hey, Jock. It's all right. 90 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,680 Do you come around here often, would you? 91 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,600 Just on holidays. 92 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:08,960 I like the same holiday every year, so... Same holiday every year? Hm? 93 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,360 Same holiday every year. Same holiday every year. Yeah? 94 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,160 What are they doing over there? 95 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,280 Those lads. 96 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,960 My, oh, my, that takes me back. 97 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,200 BARRY LAUGHS They're county trimming. 98 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:30,000 What? Those Kerry boys there, they're moving the Welcome to Kerry 99 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,280 sign a little bit down the road and stealing a bit of Cork. 100 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,920 You might not think it to look at me now, but I once stole... 101 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:42,840 Argh! Drop that sign, you pricks! Nobody fucks with my county! 102 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,720 You hit me right in the bollocks, you bastard! Nice one, dickhead! 103 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,440 Chris has got over a foreskin infection! Don't tell him that! 104 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,160 See you later, Barry. 105 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:00,960 That's not how you do county trimming. 106 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,400 What took you so long? 107 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,040 If you really want to know, I had piss running down my legs 108 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,920 and mum had to wipe. Fucking hell, Barry, you had to ask. 109 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,320 Barry's actually killer. 110 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,880 Hurry the fuck up! We're going to teach those Cork langers a lesson. 111 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,040 The rivalry between Cork 112 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,400 and Kerry has gone back as far as caveman days. 113 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,120 You'd think by now Kerry people would've given up 114 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,080 and just admit that us Cork people are better than them. 115 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,920 Hold back, hold back. 116 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,640 We don't want them to know that we're following them. 117 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,680 Be careful with that now! 118 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,200 This cottage has been generously lent to us by Brendan Cooley 119 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:51,080 and those statues are his pride and joy. Who's Brendan Cooley? 120 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:56,240 Brendan Cooley is chair of the board of management of St Finnian's. 121 00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,200 Remember, my school? A man I not only know in a professional capacity 122 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,400 but I'm proud to say is a close personal friend, 123 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,920 so please, treat this house as you would your own. 124 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,760 Or actually, better. 125 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,160 Considerably better. 126 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,640 Yeah, treat it right. How are you, babe? 127 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,480 Rrrr! 128 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,640 Those fucking Cork cocks will wish they never came to Kerry. 129 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,400 JOCK LAUGHS Oh, this is fucking brilliant. 130 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,560 Look at the size of this clock. 131 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,000 Why, we're going to be telling time 132 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,040 like the fucking King of England or something. 133 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,920 Well, this is gorgeous! 134 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,280 Barry, Orla, I just want to say you've organised the whole thing, 135 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,200 you should take the master suite. 136 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,320 Siobhan and I will be happy enough with the second-best double, yeah? 137 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,840 I think it's best if Siobhan shares with Linda, don't you? No. 138 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,560 Jock, why don't you take the sofa? Yeah. 139 00:07:58,360 --> 00:07:59,960 And don't you even try anything, 140 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,960 you oversexed, under-aged little bollocks! 141 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:07,240 I've got an enlarged prostate, huge, up every hour on the hour. 142 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,800 About to burst. 143 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,760 Checkmate. 144 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,920 Barry. What are you doing? 145 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,680 Just doing a quick inventory of the cutlery and plates. 146 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:37,720 Big group, you know. These things can easily go missing or... Or what? 147 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,760 I've been trusted with an important man's spoons, Mairead. 148 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,600 I take that responsibility seriously. You must... 149 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,080 let me know how much I owe you for all of these... 150 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,720 organic groceries that I didn't know you were buying. 151 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,280 Oh, no, no. You're grand. Don't worry about it. 152 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,520 No, I-I can afford to pay. 153 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,560 You certainly have enough money for cigarettes. 154 00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,120 We might be hard up some of the time, 155 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,600 but we're not eating out of bins. Jock. 156 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,520 This bone's still got chicken on it. 157 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,760 No, no. I realise that. I didn't mean... 158 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,480 No, no, no, just let me know the cost. 159 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,920 140 euros. 160 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,080 That's a lovely gesture, Orla, thank you for paying for it. 161 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,080 Appreciate that. 162 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,160 Conor, come in, Conor. 163 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,680 If you're near the kitchen there, will you get me a can of Tanora, please? 164 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,960 Kkkrrr! Roger that. Kkkrrr! 165 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:37,680 What the fuck is that? It's a baby monitor. I got it for you. 166 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,720 That's not a baby monitor. What do you mean it's not a baby monitor? 167 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,160 Look at it. Definitely small and pink. 168 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,560 It's a baby monitor. How does it work? 169 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,200 I push the button, say, "Are you OK?" 170 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,320 And then the baby picks it up and goes, "Yes." 171 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,560 That's a kid's walkie-talkie. 172 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,720 It's Olga. 173 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,360 What? 174 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:07,960 Olga. 175 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:13,080 That's the...the German girl I was talking about. 176 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,480 I shifted her, she thought it was great, like. 177 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,160 Said it was delicious. 178 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,160 Is that what she said in German to you? 179 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,960 What did she exactly say? 180 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,600 Shit! Fuck! 181 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,160 CLOTHES TEARING Fuck! Shit! 182 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,480 For fuck's sake. 183 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,680 I already told you, there's no service in the house. 184 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,680 Who do you need to be messaging anyway? We're on holiday. 185 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,960 Texting Conor? Conor? 186 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,840 He's in the same building. 187 00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,360 Linda, Orla, come into the kitchen, will you? 188 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,680 Come on, please. Thank you. Sit down. 189 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:08,840 Now, those of you who've had the pleasure of being on holiday with me 190 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,920 before may have an inkling as to what's coming next. Oh, no. 191 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,960 That's right. I've done an itinerary. Dad, no. 192 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,480 Every second is accounted for on these spreadsheets, 193 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:21,280 which means maximum fun. The holiday starts now. 194 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,800 THEY SCREAM 195 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,200 What the fuck was that?! Someone threw a rock. What? 196 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,640 Why is no-one checking the story with the baby? Are you all right? Is the baby OK? 197 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,320 No, she's got you as a father. Barry! 198 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:40,800 It's the lads from the border. The ones pissing about with the sign. 199 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,200 HE WHIMPERS 200 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,760 Are you OK? I'm all right. They missed. 201 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,240 Some people just don't learn, do they? 202 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,440 Well, if it's a fight they want, it's a fight they're going to get. 203 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:57,040 Sit down! You've done enough already. Chucking stones at people. 204 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,840 This is your fault. I'll deal with it now. 205 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,240 Thank you. 206 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,600 Right. Come out. Come on, I know you're there. 207 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,720 I'm sorry to inform you boys but I'm a principal 208 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:23,960 and when you mess with one principal, you mess with us all. 209 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,760 There's a WhatsApp group, did you know that? 210 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:33,080 Ah! Gone a bit quiet now, hasn't it? So, where do you boys go, then? 211 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,160 St Brendan's? St Mary's? 212 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,120 Yeah, that would be the catchment area, wouldn't it? 213 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,320 Tell you what, do say hello to Mr Kennedy for me on Monday morning. 214 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,440 Or maybe I should call him myself. Get yourselves home. 215 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,800 We'll have no more trouble now. Consider that dealt with. 216 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,640 You know, a lot of these boys don't have father figures in the home. 217 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,920 GLASS SHATTERING Oh, for fuck's sake. 218 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,720 No, I'm stressed and when I'm stressed, the baby's stressed. 219 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,240 You're stressed? You don't have to explain all this to Brendan Cooley. 220 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,760 That's it. Nobody stresses out my foetus. Sit down. 221 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,840 Don't you see that's what they want? 222 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,080 Try and at least act like you've got a brain. Barry. Oh, yeah? 223 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,920 What do you suggest we do? Don't even dignify them with a response. 224 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:27,640 What? Yeah. Sometimes the best revenge is to live well. 225 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,880 In our case, why don't we tuck into a Darina Allen shepherd's pie? 226 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,760 Amen. ELECTRICAL FIZZING 227 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,160 ALARM BEEPS The little bastards! 228 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,840 Did they just cut the power? Well, that's dinner fucked! 229 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,360 Can we not just use the microwave? Yeah, no problem, yeah. 230 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,200 Light the fire in the microwave, you dickhead. Barry! 231 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,480 Right. They've crossed a line now. 232 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,920 This is a matter for the guards. 233 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,880 Will someone turn off the fucking alarm? 234 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,600 PHONE LINE BEEPS 235 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,160 Dammit! Did they cut the phone line, Barry? 236 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,720 Yes. They've cut the phone line. 237 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,560 They're really going for it, aren't they? 238 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,080 GLASS SHATTERING Fuck this. 239 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,640 I'll get to the bottom of this! 240 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,200 Jesus Christ! 241 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,440 All right. Now listen. I'm sorry about before. 242 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:29,760 But now I've come to talk and listen. Now you've made your point. 243 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:34,160 What is it that you want? Come on, I know you can hear me. 244 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,400 What do you want? Show us your dick! 245 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,000 OK, come on. 246 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,720 I'm sure that's not what you want. Get your cock out! 247 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,200 I like a laugh as much as the next person, 248 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,720 but let's be serious now, OK? 249 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,360 Get your cock and balls out. Get your little Mickey out. 250 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,160 MAIREAD SNIGGERS Right. 251 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:58,720 Clearly you don't want to be spoken to like grown-ups. Fine! 252 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,160 HE SCREAMS 253 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,760 LAUGHTER 254 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,120 Absolutely pathetic. 255 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,840 LAUGHTER 256 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,000 I assume you heard all that, did you? 257 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,120 I really don't know what the big deal is, Barry. 258 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,000 Can you not just give them what they want 259 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080 so that we can all get on with our holiday? 260 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,520 I'm a principal. 261 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,760 I'm not going to go waving my willy around 262 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,480 so you can enjoy the Ring of Kerry. 263 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,880 No, no, no, Barry, I agree with you. 264 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,160 You can't negotiate with terrorists. 265 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,000 Show them your lad, they're going to want to see your balls. 266 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,120 Show them your balls, they're going to want to see your hole. 267 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,160 And then what? Well, they want to bend you over and start... 268 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,320 Yeah, yeah, we get it. You see, the thing is, Barry, 269 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,640 all right? You've got book smarts, 270 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,240 but when it comes to the way of the street, you're in... 271 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,040 What's that class called where me and Con get to do the pictures? 272 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,440 Remedial. Remedial. 273 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,560 When it comes to the way of the streets, Barry, 274 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,120 you're in the remedial class, OK? 275 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,400 Me and Con will take it from here on out. 276 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,720 No, you won't! 277 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,360 Oh, yeah, because you handled it so brilliantly. 278 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,640 Like, no offence, but they might want to talk to someone 279 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:18,840 their own age. 280 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,960 Relax, Barry. 281 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,240 We're not stupid. 282 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,880 We're not going to do anything to inflame this situation. 283 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,600 Right, you bunch of cousin fuckers, 284 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,720 if it's a fight ye want, it's a fight you're going to get. 285 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,600 This rock has your name on it, boys. 286 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,160 Come at me! Fuck, boys. 287 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,680 Come on, please leave. 288 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,200 You fucking bastards! 289 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,000 THEY YELL 290 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,520 Man down! 291 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,280 Man down, fuck! 292 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,920 Oh, my God. 293 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,360 Conor? Conor, can you hear me? 294 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,640 Conor? Grade A bit of parenting, Mairead. 295 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,360 Linda? He's coming round. 296 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,520 Conor? Linda? 297 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,040 Conor. 298 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,160 You all right? 299 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,480 VOICEOVER: When you go through a near-death experience 300 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,000 like I just did, you can focus your attention 301 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,920 on what's important in your life. 302 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,520 We've all the time in the world. 303 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,200 It's over. 304 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,640 Didn't even hurt. I don't fucking care. 305 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,400 What are we going to do now, then? 306 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,680 Oh, I've an idea, actually, Orla. 307 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,400 When my dad was in prison... Oh, Christ, here we go. Sh. 308 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,960 ..he said that when they didn't have weapons, they'd do, like, 309 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,600 a shit in their hands. 310 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,560 What, there must be, like, eight of us here? 311 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,480 If we all did one, I could go up to the skylight 312 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,160 and throw it at the lads. 313 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,320 That's surely going to dampen their spirits, isn't it? 314 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,480 Jock, I think even if that did work, 315 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120 we're not going to feel like having a family holiday afterwards. 316 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:51,920 So what are we going to do now? 317 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,160 The only thing we can do. 318 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,720 We wait. 319 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:10,200 Stop. 320 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,880 Am I the only one still playing Monopoly? 321 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,840 For God's sake, Orla, this is a hostage situation. 322 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,520 He always gets like that when somebody else buys Shrewsbury Road. 323 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,520 How much longer is this going to go on for? 324 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,480 Don't worry, they'll break soon enough. 325 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,960 There's a load of them out there right now. 326 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,240 WATER SPILLS 327 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,520 They've got a campfire going, they're drinking out of cans. 328 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:44,640 Oh... 329 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,240 They're fucking barbecuing sausages. SHE EXHALES 330 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,520 I know, right? 331 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,000 Barbecue's my favourite type of dinner as well. 332 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,400 I think my waters just broke. 333 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,480 Oh! Oh, shit! 334 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,640 Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. What does that mean? Fuck. 335 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,640 Jock? Babe, babe, babe, babe, just breathe. 336 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,400 Barry, we have to get her out of here. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. 337 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,200 Well, if you had given them a flash of your lad, 338 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,600 this would have been over hours ago. 339 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,040 And if you instilled a bit of discipline into your household, 340 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,920 we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with! 341 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,200 SHE LAUGHS 342 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,320 Oh, now I see it, that's what do you think of us? 343 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,080 I saw you counting the fucking spoons earlier. 344 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,360 For fuck sake, Mairead, 345 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,640 will you ever get that chip off your fucking shoulder? 346 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,720 Will you get the rod out of your fucking hole? 347 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,120 Do you see what happens, Orla? 348 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,200 When you try to be nice to these people? 349 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,880 These people?! 350 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,280 Are you fucking kidding me? 351 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,480 She's from our neighbourhood, unless you forgot. 352 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,320 Your family are from the fucking... 353 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,640 THEY YELL OVER EACH OTHER 354 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,600 You fucking bitch, you... 355 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,160 QUIET! 356 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,040 SIOBHAN PANTS 357 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,400 For fuck sake, I'm about to have a baby! 358 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,280 I'm fucking scared to death. 359 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,800 And none of you can get on for two fucking seconds. 360 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,120 I'm sorry, love. 361 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,200 We're all a bit hyper. 362 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,240 SHE EXHALES 363 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,400 I think I've got an idea to get us out of here. 364 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,160 And it doesn't involve shitting. 365 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,040 Those fucking Cork lots are up to something. 366 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,920 What the fuck are they doing? Come on, boys, quick. 367 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,840 They're on the move, look, they're on the move! 368 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,000 All right, big shits, give us your worst! 369 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,000 THEY YELL 370 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,920 Bet you can't hit us! Agh! 371 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,760 Fucking pricks! Come on, you langers! 372 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,400 SIOBHAN GROANS Come on. 373 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,120 YELLING 374 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:31,440 Is that all you've got? 375 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,320 I've heard that Kerry lads don't have much fire in the tank! 376 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,560 He's talking about your bollocks. Come on, boys! 377 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,160 Keep your head down. Keep your head down. 378 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,360 Pricks! 379 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,800 Look at me, Con! We'll get through this. 380 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,920 The baby's coming. You'll get through this! 381 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,000 Come on. YELLING 382 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,400 Go to my car, go to my car! 383 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,360 Lads, come on! 384 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,960 They're running out of stones. 385 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,000 They're not running out of fucking stones, 386 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,680 it's a pebble driveway! 387 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,120 Come on! Oh, for fuck sake, Barry, come on! 388 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,600 I'm trying! Jesus Christ. 389 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,960 Just start the fucking car, Barry! 390 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,000 SHE WAILS ENGINE STARTS 391 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,920 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! 392 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,160 I can't even think about this now, can I? 393 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,480 Just drive the fucking car, Barry, will you? 394 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,240 Con, Jock, get in! 395 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,160 Retreat, retreat! 396 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,200 Quick, now! 397 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,280 THEY YELL 398 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,800 Go on, boys! 399 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,800 Come on! SHE BEEPS HORN 400 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,680 Go, go, go, go, go, go! 401 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,240 Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. 402 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,560 Oh, I'm fine, too. 403 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,640 Go! Right. Come on! 404 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,600 Yeah, I know, it's grand, don't worry. 405 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,960 SHE BREATHES DEEPLY 406 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,400 Siobhan Walsh? Yeah. 407 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,880 We've your room ready for you if you'd like to come with me. OK. 408 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,520 No, just Jock. 409 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,680 But sweetheart... No, Mum. 410 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,360 That's what I want. 411 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,520 You'll have to put these on. Right. 412 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,400 All right? Here, let me take your... 413 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,320 WHISPERING: Rub her back. 414 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,880 Listen... 415 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,240 ..I'm sorry about all the... 416 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,840 ..stuff. 417 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,840 Aw, no, I... 418 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,160 I should be apologising to the two of you, really. 419 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,960 Do you think she's all right in there? 420 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:51,880 Yeah. 421 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,160 She's got Jock with her. 422 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,560 HE FARTS Sorry. 423 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,560 I'm a bit nervous, I'm doing those farts 424 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,360 where you're not totally sure, that's... 425 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,240 That's all they are. SHE LAUGHS 426 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,400 SHE GROANS 427 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,800 VOICEOVER: It's not surprising that nurses and doctors 428 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,040 have a reputation for being horny, with everyone 429 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,680 showing their dicks and their fannies to them all the time. 430 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,920 I guess a bit of that hospital horniness must have 431 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,440 rubbed off on myself and Linda. 432 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,720 LINDA: There it is. 433 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,800 GRUNTING 434 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:53,160 GRUNTING GETS LOUDER 435 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,680 Fuck off! 436 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:01,400 We're having sex, if you hadn't noticed, show us a bit of respect! 437 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,320 Eh, where were we? 438 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,760 Here... 439 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,320 THEY GRUNT 440 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,760 # Now I've got you in my space 441 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,840 # I won't let go of you... # 442 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,520 THEY GRUNT 443 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:30,600 # I got you shackled in my embrace 444 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,960 # I'm latching on to you... # 445 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,320 GRUNTING 446 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:39,480 # Now I've got you in my space 447 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,800 # I won't let go of you... # 448 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,200 SHE CRIES 449 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,240 # I've got you shackled in my embrace 450 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,520 # I'm latching on to you 451 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,760 # I'm so encaptured 452 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,120 # You got me wrapped up... # 453 00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:01,040 Wait. # ..in your touch... # 454 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,360 The condom's still on. 455 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,720 And it's not broken. 456 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:09,320 # Hold me tight within your clutch. # 457 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,520 I love you. I love you, too. 458 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,440 Oh, now, that's a baby. 459 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,000 Best baby ever. 460 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,040 How are you, boy, are you all right? You good? 461 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,600 That was stressful, but, I'm OK now. 462 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,560 Wasn't his fanny it came out of, was it? That's true. 463 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,320 Do you know what you're going to call her? 464 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,320 We couldn't decide what star to name her after, so... 465 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,480 ..we settled on... Star. 466 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,280 BABY GRIZZLES 467 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,480 Well done, love. 468 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,200 Yeah. 469 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,480 Come on, now, let's get a picture of us all with the baby. 470 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,400 Jock, what the fuck? What?! 471 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,040 You're supposed to be wearing your scrubs over your clothes. 472 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,640 What? Nobody told me. 473 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,880 THEY LAUGH 474 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,600 Easy access. 475 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,960 VOICEOVER: Photos are great, because people rarely take them 476 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,960 when everyone is looking pissed off. 477 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,440 And human memories aren't that good... Ready? 478 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,640 CAMERA CLICKS 479 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,480 ..so when you look back on them photos, 480 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,880 all you can remember are the happy times.