Today is myself and Jock's anniversary.
We been best friends for five years.
And during that time, neither of us has been unfaithful.
Here, boy, do you remember when you asked me to be your best friend?
Of course, it was about five years ago.
On this very bench. You were like...
"Do you know... Do you want to like...
"..be my best friend? "Only if you want to, like.
"It's no big deal, like"
Fuck you, boy, you didn't exactly make it easy for me.
It took you so long to answer one simple fucking question.
What's that about?
It's a big commitment, like.
Seriously, I've got something else to say.
What?
Sorry, do the two of you fellas mind putting suncream on our backs?
Do you mind?
We're having a fucking conversation here.
Jesus Christ.
You were saying. Just close your eyes.
Put out your hand.
Don't put your balls in my hand.
I'm not going to put my balls in your hand, I did that once.
That's not bad.
Shit, man, I didn't get you anything.
No, it's not an anniversary thing, I don't want nothing in exchange.
Just don't lose it now, OK, there's something special about it,
it can't be replaced. Why?
You have to find out yourself.
Let's take a photo to mark the occasion. Yeah, boy.
Up, down.
You got fuego, that's what they call it in Spain - fuego, fire.
BOTH: Up, down, fuego.
You shut it like that.
There's nothing worse on your anniversary
than bumping in to your best friend's ex best friend.
Gavin fucking Madigan.
Jock.
Gavin fucking Madigan.
What are you doing in our school, boy?
My school as well, my mam's the new teacher,
we just moved back from Kilkenny. Are you serious? Yeah.
This is the best news I've heard all year.
Gav, this is Con, Con this is Gavin. Nice to meet you, Gavin.
Nice to meet you, Tom.
It's Con, like Conor. Chill out, boy.
We were best friends in primary school.
You WERE best friends?
Me and Jock are best friends now, so...
What? We have that in common, like.
Did you say something?
Look, I brought a photo we took before.
Thought you might get a craic out of it.
My God, the size of us, boy.
Tom, do us a favour, read the back of that, will you? Con...
"Best friends forever.
"Signed..."
Look, that's your signature there and that's mine.
You kept this that whole time! Obviously.
Remember, we took it up in Bell's Field, on Jock and Gavin's bench.
It's Jock and Con's bench now.
CON LAUGHS
You know?
All right, how you getting on?
And how are these two beautiful, intelligent looking women?
Ouch! Squeeze me so hard!
Siobhan, Linda, this is my pal Gavin.
Nice to meet you. BOTH: Nice to meet you too.
Skegs.
Principal Walsh is like a dog with a boner lately
when it comes to theft on the school grounds.
From now on, anyone caught stealing
so much as a paperclip will be expelled without question.
It all started last month when the
foreign exchange students were over.
They came for a week
and all they left with were the clothes on their back.
Did you give Conor the present?
Con, give us a light there, will you?
No bother at all.
Wait...
Give us a look, Tom.
It's Con...
Ah, sweet.
Did you see that?
All right.
Gav, did you give me back my lighter?
What? I gave it back to you.
Quit the shit, all right, give me back my lighter.
What's going on?
I gave him his lighter outside,
he's obviously just freaking because he lost it.
What the fuck, Con.
I didn't lose it, he's after stealing it.
Jesus Christ, Conor, would you watch your mouth?
You know better than to use that word in here.
Who's stealing what? Jesus.
Eh...
No-one's stealing nothing. I heard you say steal.
Nah. Nah.
Didn't say that.
Steel, that's what you...
Yeah. Steal.
Yeah, sorry, I was saying Gav's... Gav's...
Gav's biceps are like steel.
Here, Tom, feel my steel.
Yeah?
Oh, fuck, that's quite the...
..quite the form you got there.
Stronger than steel, it's like The Rock, The Rock, Dwayne "The Rock"...
'Do know what, maybe me
'worrying about Gavin trying to take my place is all in my head.'
May the best man win.
Wait, what did you say? What?
You just said something to me.
Who? You did.
No, no, I didn't.
No, I was right. He's a prick.
Get out of the way.
Get up, that's my table.
Did you build it?
No, but my name's carved into the desk right there.
Con.
What are you doing, boy?
It's his first day, just let him set there for the class.
Fine, but he stole my lighter, and he's a fucking prick.
I can hear you. Yeah, good, shut up.
Will you stop with this jealousy stuff, boy?
You got nothing to worry about, just relax.
Sorry.
"Thanks, Linda, thanks for saving me a seat,
"you're such a wonderful girlfriend."
No?
Yeah, so.
Mam and Sgt Healy have been fighting like an old married couple lately.
So she suggested they give each other a little bit of space.
Do you mind?
No, no, course not.
Fucking weirdos.
What the fuck, Tony.
What the fuck, yourself.
If I'm working, I'm working.
Can't be stopping to whisper sweet nothings to you
just because you're feeling a bit needy.
When you're on duty, I expect you to treat me the very same.
All right?
Fuck's sake.
It's great to be back at this school teaching
where I was a pupil not so long ago.
I probably know most of your parents.
It's a pity most of them aren't doing very well for themselves.
But don't let that discourage any of you.
I moved my son Gavin with me to the school
so I mustn't think the place is all that bad.
Gavin, stand up.
Introduce yourself.
Eh...
My name is Gavin. Speak up.
I said...
My name is Gavin Madigan.
Fucksake, Mam. Watch your language.
I was sitting there.
Get up. Sit somewhere else, Gavin.
Just seeing how you're settling in, Miss Madigan.
Great, Principal Walsh.
I just wanted to have a word with you about the staff female toilets
and the used condom on the floor... Let's discuss this outside.
Right. Everyone, open your textbooks on page one and start reading.
Quietly.
Thank God she's gone.
Get up.
Make me.
Get your damn ball off me fucking shoulder.
I will, when you get up off my fucking chair.
That's it, I claim you.
ALL, QUIETLY: Fight, fight, fight, fight.
LOUDLY: Fight, fight, fight, fight.
Shh!
What? I can't whisper. So don't say anything, so, you bollock.
Fight, fight, fight, fight.
Name the time and the place.
After school by the bonfire spot outside the housing estate.
Right. Right. OK. OK. Let's do this.
Let's do it then. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right.
Hold me back.
You're fuckin' lucky.
You're lucky he's holding you.
CROWD SHOUTS
Knocknaheeney rules.
So what are they? There's only one rule.
Someone dies, no-one says who did it.
Listen, lads, a lot of good friendships start with people
punching the heads off each other, like Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed.
So this might be a good thing. I'll leave you to it.
I just don't want to see me buddies kill each other, yeah.
Good luck, boys.
Come on now, boys.
CROWD SHOUTS
Fucking hit him.
That's it, Conor, you've got this.
Hit him.
You look like a fucking ballerina.
Ballerinas are pure muscles.
Hit him in the knob.
Hit him!
CROWD GROANS
Tom wears granny knickers.
The name's Con.
They're not me granny knickers, they're me mam's.
I'm just borrowing them for a day.
Does your mam not wear sexy knickers like normal people?
I'll have you know my mam wears very sexy knickers.
These are just her day off knickers for watching TV.
She wears her sexy knickers at work, like.
What does she work as, a hooker? CROWD GASPS
That's it, Madigan. You're toast.
CROWD SHOUTS
Time to go. Come on.
He's getting tired. He's passing out.
He's going down. Nearly there.
Come on, boy.
Do you want me to wait for you?
No, it's grand, I'm going to finish him now.
No, I'm going to finish you.
Just give up, boy. Say mercy.
You say mercy. You say mercy.
We're all alone. Everyone's gone, boy. Yeah.
How about I just count to three and on three, we just let go? Right?
Yeah. OK. BOTH: One, two, three.
Say mercy! No! Say mercy. No!
I shall never give up! I will never...
Say mercy! I will never say mercy! Argh! Mercy! Mercy!
HE LAUGHS
What are you doing getting into fights anyway?
You can't let fucking idiots like that get to you.
A huge part about growing up is about sometimes being the bigger person.
Aye, I know. You're right.
Just this guy's such a dickhead.
What did he say that got you so wound up?
Fucking lots of things, like...
He called you a...called you a whore.
What was that? I said he called you a whore.
Or was it a hooker?
But, no, you're right. I won't let it get to me.
I'll be the bigger man from now on. WATER GURGLES
Don't do anything mental now, all right? His mam's a teacher.
I don't want this making things worse for me in school.
Don't worry, I won't. I'll just have a quick word with her.
No doubt she's a civilised person.
And I'll leave her to deal with her son in whatever way she sees fit.
Mairead McSweeney! It's been far too long.
Nancy Madigan. What a pleasant surprise.
How'd you know her? We're old school buddies, isn't that right?
FORCED LAUGHTER
So we're all friends. Fancy that. Fancy that.
Nancy couldn't make any of her own friends,
on account of having a rotten personality.
So she stole my friend instead.
Her name was Francesca, and I do believe she was my friend first.
No, she wasn't, silly. She was my friend first.
You see, Gavin, Mairead only thought Francesca was her friend first
but Francesca told me she didn't like Mairead all that much.
So even though she knew her first, they weren't friends first.
The devil's in the detail, let bygones be bygones, blah, blah, blah. She was my friend first.
Now, what's this you're coming to my house all about?
It turns out your son Gavin has been saying nasty things about me to Conor.
Yeah. Gavin, is that true? Oh, yeah. I called her a whore.
Is there anything else you wanted?
I want an apology. Now.
Well, you're not going to get one from me or my son.
So why don't you take that little scumbag son of yours
and go back to that tip of a house you live in and get off my property?
SCREAMS Fuck!
You're after breaking my nose! Come back here and I'll fix it for you.
What's going on? She's after breaking my nose with her big smelly fish hands!
Fish don't have hands, so that makes no sense.
Stop brushing me tits with your broom!
You wish! I'm not brushing, I'm pushing.
Pushing me tits with your broom!
Argh! Nancy!
SHOUTS
Argh! Get off, you psycho bitch!
Stop banging my mum with your broomstick or I'll shove it up your bumhole.
I'd like to see you try, you small little fuck!
THEY SHOUT
Get your fingers out of me nostrils!
Argh!
Get off my fucking wife! Nobody touches my fucking wife!
That's my fucking arm, you toad!
So, who'd like to explain to me what happened?
I called for a conversation. A conversation!
THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER I swear...
They started it. We didnar fuck! They started it!
And she's a cunt, the husband has pubes for hair
and their son is a prick.
I'm sick of this. Sort this out, will you, Tony?
I want to go home and put the dinner on. Come on. Just one second, there.
Something I don't quite get.
If they started it, yeah, how come you're outside their house?
What are you doing? I'm on duty.
So who hit who first? She poked me. OK, but who hit who first?
Name?
Say Stephanie.
Lying dickhead snakes always reveal themselves
when you play truth or dare.
Gavin. They never choose truth.
I choose dare, obviously. See?
I dare you to steal something from a teacher. MANY: Ooh!
Don't be a prick, he'll get chucked out of the school
if he gets caught for that. It's his own fault. He chose dare himself.
Don't worry about it, Jock. I got this.
Please get caught. Please get caught.
Gavin. What you on about? I didn't do nothing. What? Do me a favour.
Hold on to my handbag while I use the toilet?
How the women manage to get piss on the floor in there I'll never know.
Who did you get that off? Me mam. That's a copout. How is it?
She's a teacher, I robbed something from her. Job done.
To be fair, she's teacher, like.
It's true. Now it's my turn.
Hm. Who will I pick?
Linda. What?
Truth or dare? Erm... Pick truth. Always pick truth.
Dare. What are you doing?
I don't mind doing a stupid dare but I'm not revealing my darkest secrets to half the school.
I dare you...
..to kiss me for five seconds.
MANY: Ooh! You can't do that! Why?
A dare's a dare, boy. She has to do it anyway. Chill out.
You can't do it, Lis. I don't have a choice. A dare's a dare.
It's just a kiss, it'll be over in a second. Five fucking seconds.
One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus...
..three hippopotamus... MANY: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
CHANTING CONTINUES
MANY: One, two...
..three, four, five.
THEY CHEER
# I never thought that I could be so bold
# To even say these thoughts aloud... #
Conor! Conor!
Can we not just talk about this, please?
I have said everything I need to say.
I can put up with your preachiness, your neediness,
the fact that you're a fumbling idiot in bed...
..but the one thing I can't put up with is you not being on my side.
Even when you're clearly in the wrong?
Especially when I'm in the wrong!
That's when I need you to back me up the most!
It's over.
Conor. Conor!
He used tongue, not me.
Your tongue touched his tongue, therefore you both used tongue.
His saliva's all over your lips, Linda,
and your chin and your cheeks.
It's his, not mine!
There once was a guy who would do anything for you...
..and now he is gone.
I can fix this. It's over.
My class is this way.
Listen, everyone. Sponsor me now for my skipathon.
You won't regret it when I'm filling in the detention supervision roster.
Barry, my purse, it's not here. Really, Nancy?
Think we've all heard that one before.
I was certain it was here this morning.
Someone must have stolen it.
This is an emergency announcement.
The first I've had to make this year.
Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse has been stolen.
And it is for this reason I regret to inform you the school
is officially on lockdown and will remain that way until such
time as Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse has been retrieved...
..and the perpetrator has been punished.
Right, listen up. This is a raid.
A raid?
Principal Walsh, we have our culprit.
The best way to sum up this kind of conspiracy is...
What the fuck?
Does someone want to tell me what this bullshit is? Nice.
Trust you to lower the tone as usual, Mairead.
Do you want me to lower you, like I did yesterday?
THEY LAUGH OK, calm down, everyone.
Mairead, your son Conor's given me no choice but to expel him.
He's been caught red-handed stealing Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse.
No, but that wasn't him. That was Gavin!
It wasn't even him, it was Gavin. Gavin did it.
How do you explain the purse getting into Conor's bag?
She planted it there to cover up for her dickhead son.
Sounds like something Nancy Madigan would do, all right. How dare you?
Like mother like son. Liars, the pair of them.
I am a teacher, Principal Walsh. And we all know teachers don't lie.
Can't argue with that.
Conor McSweeney, for the crime of stealing Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse, you are expelled.
From this day forward you cannot set foot on school grounds. What?
Fuck's... Are you seriously just going to sit there and say nothing?
You're the one who took the fucking thing.
You're pathetic, boy.
I did it. Not him. So expel me.
Jock, if you have any cop on you will sit down and shut the hell up.
Principal Walsh, you can't have one rule for your son-in-law
and another rule for everyone else in the school.
He's not my son-in-law and he didn't do it!
He's just covering up for his idiot sidekick.
If you expel him you're going to have to expel me too.
I decide who gets expelled, not you. What if I expel myself?
You can't expel yourself. I'm in charge here.
And you couldn't get me to expel you if you tried.
Do you want to bet?
Fuck you, Principal Walsh.
You big fucking creep. "Oh, look. Where's the paedophile?
"Oh, there he is. You big paedo."
Nice try. You're not expelled.
The thing about myself and Jock that that dickhead Gavin Madigan would never understand...
Jock! ..is we stick together no matter how stupid a decision the other one makes.
Conor! Because that's what best friends do.
THEY WHOOP
Lads, what are you doing?
THEY CHEER
What are you two doing in my TV knickers? Ours were in the wash.
They're not expelled. But you do have detention every day for the next three years,
writing lines backwards in Irish.
Fine. It's warm in here, isn't it? Oh, Jesus.
THEY CHEER
LAUGHTER
Fuck that! Fucking hell!
Put them back on. Lads.
Yeah! Woo!
Not expelled. Watch.
You're going to watch us naked dance.
You're going to watch us naked dance. You know you want to.
It has no effect on me. If you don't expel us, the police will get you.
Whatever you do, don't look down, Barry. Have a quick peep, go on.
What's that in the corner? Is it a plane?
Oh no, it's a helicopter.
Jock, are you there? Mayday, Mayday. Starting up engines.
OK. We're going to be flying over Empire State pretty soon.
Here we go, here we go. I'm taking off. I'm taking off. Oh!
Last chance, Principal Walsh. You're not the boss of me.
SPLATTER Oh!
THEY LAUGH
THEY WHOOP
Expelled! You're expelled!
You're so, so, so, so expelled!
I have something to say. What?
It was me that took the pink pussy purse. Gavin, shut up!
My mam planted it when she found out that I took it.
Well, you can't have one set of rules for pupils
and another for teachers, Principal Walsh.
THEY CHANT: Kick her out! Kick her out!
Does this mean we're not expelled any more?
We'll... We'll just get our stuff. Yeah.
I think you're standing on my pants.
Come on. When we get home you're both fucking dead. Come on.
Jock and me are pretty proud that we caused Nancy Madigan to be
the first teacher in the history of our school to be expelled,
along with her dickhead son.
Gavin gave me this to give back to you.
What a dick. Total dick, mate. I should have listened to you.
You ever going to tell me what's so special about it?
Pull out the inside, take a look.
READS MESSAGE
Thanks, boy.