I bet you're wondering what we've been up to.
Well, in some ways things are not much different
than they ever were. Lads!
That's not very civic minded.
Have a little pride in your city.
You baldy pricks.
In other ways.
And I'll do my best not to exaggerate, but things
are completely fucking mental.
Ah Conor will you pull yourself together, boi, seriously.
Why are Jock and me dressed as two gorgeous beours?
Let me explain.
You may recall that Jock got arrested in a Colombian airport
because the South American Garda didn't like his dress sense.
It turns out Colombian prisons aren't as nice as they make
out in prison brochures.
But after four years of being kicked in the ball 23 hours a day,
Jock managed to swing himself a job in the prison kitchen.
And that's where his luck changed.
Jock had a natural flair for making impermiders.
Impnoted- im-pahomas, whatever the fuck they're called.
And the whole prison ended up loving him.
And Jock's luck didn't end there.
The prison guards all got stoned one day and well,
they left the gate open.
Jock didn't realise that he only had three days left
in his five year sentence.
Jock always was a lucky bastard.
Well, that is apart from the 23 hours a day
being kicked in the balls.
And his dead mam and his alcoholic prick of an old fella.
But apart from that, Jock is pretty much the luckiest
fella in the universe.
As soon as he was in the clear, Jock did the one thing
any sane man would do.
He found the barbers and got himself a normal bazaar.
After that, Jock trekked his way through the Columbian jungle
for three long days.
Until he realised he'd been going around in circles.
And the prison was only 20 minutes from the coast.
When he got to the port.
He stowed away on a ship heading to Ireland.
On the boat, Jock met another stowaway
who agreed to let Jock borrow his phone in return for something
that Jock never wants to speak about ever again.
I was at home making myself useful when I got a call.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Con, Con, Con. Boi, it's Jock. Jock.
Listen boy, I'm after escaping, okay?
I'm somewhere along the like Colombian Irish Sea or something.
Okay, but you have to meet me on the coast.
So I dropped what I was doing and legged it to the coast.
I was sitting around waiting there all day.
No sign of Jock.
Not there, there.
But then... Jock?
Jock! Alright boy!
There he was.
His swimming had gotten much better.
He must have been getting lessons in the Colombian jail.
Jock.
I missed you, boy.
I missed you! Me and Jock are hard men.
So we don't show too much emotion.
You look incredible, boy you haven't aged a day.
I got you a gift.
Chips. Unreal. You know, we can actually...
We actually get these in Centra now.
Yeah, as if boy. Boy, did you swim all the way here?
No boy, got a lift. Got lift?
And no one saw me boy! (titter)
Did you jump off the boat you little shit?
Is that for you?
Gowan-gowan!
(high tempo music plays)
A bike- a bike!
We're on the run- we're soaked.
We need to get out of these clothes.
Yeah, into what? Well....
No, I'm not..hardly.
I think they went that way!
Slow down, boy, my skirts riding up.
Boy, we've no time for modesty now.
When it comes to getaways on bicycles, myself and Jock
are the undisputed experts.
(grunting) Eh, we might be a bit rusty.
We're stuck, we're stuck, we're stuck.
Come on. Get off. Get off.
Right, we go over here and we figure out where the next...
What's wrong with you? All right.
What's wrong? Are you okay?
Yeah. Look at me.
What's wrong with you?
Con...what? (cries)
Ah Con, will you pull yourself together boy, crying away there.
Like, this is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.
Like, I'm back. I'm crying because it is
the happiest day of my life. What?
I think I'm just overwhelmed with emotions.
My best friend in the whole world,
and I haven't seen you in years. But I missed you too, boy.
Boy, you're my best friend in the world.
I missed you like.
Okay, here, now, we're gonna go back home into Cork now,
okay? And we're gonna show them that nothing, absolutely
nothing has changed.
Connor and Jock are back. Yes.
Nothing has changed.
I needed to tell Jock that lots of things have changed.
The thing is, Jock, lots of things have changed.
Boy, I'm not a bad boy anymore.
I need to grow up and become a man.
I've changed. You've changed?
While I was in prison in Columbia.
Do you not think I've changed?
I learned that you can't trust anyone but yourself.
And if you want to be rich and successful in this life,
you've got to cheat and manipulate the system.
And I learnt a Spanish word for toilet paper.
Oh ya? Prove it.
Papel higiénico.
Spanish for toilet paper. Shit.
The only way for people like us to make it in this life, boy,
is to be criminals, like we always were.
Where's your sense of adventure gone?
You can't have a sense of adventure and be a grown up.
Everyone knows that. Well, who told you that, boy?
Look I'm back now, all right?
You just forget about everything and listen to me, okay?
Well, you've changed.
Exactly.
Thank you. Shit.
No, like...agh!
I have no idea where we are. Where are we?
I don't think Cork is this way.
You tell me, boy, you're supposed to be the grown up.
I haven't got a clue, boy.
Oh, yeah, this grown up thing's working out well for you, is it?
Stop, alright.
Why don't we try that stupid looking house there?
The roof of this house is mank.
All right. Okay, let's do this.
Wait, Jock. Jock, what are you doing?
What? Smashing the window in.
Why don't we just knock on the door and see if they'll help us?
What, yeah, just two fellas in dresses in the middle of nowhere
knocking on the door. Yeah, good point.
Wait, I've an idea.
Just a couple of stags, at a stag do and we've got
split up from the other stags.
All right, so I'm a stag? You're a stag, yeah.
All right. That's a really good idea.
(SHOUTING AND CLATTERING)
Mouths on them.
Actually get your point across without using so much profanity.
(SHOUTING AND CLATTER) What the fuck is profanity?
It's a posh word for swearing.
Right. Oh, my God.
(KNOCKING)
Ah, hello, ladies.
What are you doing around these parts?
We're not actually ladies.
We're just two fellas in dresses.
Nile's on him messing with you.
Sure, we could see that. You're fellas all along.
The Ronnies are a dead giveaway.
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? (GIGGLE)
We're on a stag. Yeah, my stag.
This one. The old ball and chain.
Oh. And where's the rest of your stag party?
Yeah, we'll have to actually get spit up from them.
It's a nightmare. So it's just us.
Yeah. Where are they actually?
Diego and Juan.
I'm Diego. Right, so that makes me ...Juan.
Juan. Juan.
All right.
Could we use your phone by any chance, just to get a lift
and then we'll be out of your hair? Of course.
Lads, come on in. Come on.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
What, Diego and what? Wine?
Yeah. Boy, we've used fake names.
We've been chased by the guards.
Yeah, they're the first names that came into my head.
I don't know my name. Juan.
Wine. Juan.
It's Colombian, is it? Yeah.
Ah, come in, come in, come in.
You're very welcome.
Sorry about the mess.
We were just spring cleaning. Spring cleaning.
Juan and Diego.
Yeah. They're a queer couple of odd names for fellas from Cork.
Aren't they? Yes Deirdre.
Deirdre is the name of a priest's housekeeper who was let go and
smells of wet coats. Says Niall.
That's just Neil spelled wrong. Wagon.
Wanker.
My dad was a big fan of Diego Maradona.
Oh. You know him?
Guy that had all the hair, so he called me Diego after him.
Yeah, yeah.
And my dad was a big fan of numbers, so he named me One.
So if you have a phone, we could use a phone.
And then we'd be gone. Of course.
I think it might have been misplaced in all
the spring cleaning.
I told you, Deirdre, didn't I?
That today wasn't the day for spring cleaning.
Well, we wouldn't have to spring clean if you weren't such
a revolting pig, would we, Niall? Shut up.
(DRY CHUCKLE)
So who is the lucky lady then? Yeah, sure.
It's this beour. Linda Walsh is her name.
She's actually a childhood sweetheart of mine.
So we're getting married and it's quite beautiful.
So now we're hoping to start a family.
And she's actually off the pill, so I'm just going 90.
So Linda Walsh is going to become Linda McSweeney.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, Juan and Linda McSweeney.
Isn't that sweet?
It is. Very sweet. Bit weird.
Where are my manners?
Why don't I fetch us some tea and cake to celebrate?
Niall, why don't you and Diego find the phone
and Juan and I will put the kettle on the phone. Come on.
Come on. Right, okay.
Come on. This way.
I always keep the delf handy in case we have visitors,
but we never do. I don't know why.
Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it? Come here.
Why?
You're not going..
Just come here. Sit down.
Tell me this.
What? Is Juan a good friend of yours?
Yeah, he's my best friend.
Well, then it is your duty to stop him.
You mustn't let him get married.
So, Juan, you think you're ready to get married?
Yes, 100%.
And you're sure this Linda's the one?
No, I'm Juan. Juan.
He thinks he's been like a grown up.
What do you think? No, I think he should be a bad boy.
Like you? Yeah, like me, yeah.
Believe it or not. I used to be a bad boy.
Are you sure?
Do you love her?
Is she the one?
As sure as I am Juan. She is the one.
Well, as long as you're sure. Are you sure?
I settled down and let a woman clip my wings.
Is that what you want to happen to Juan?
No.
No, definitely not.
I'll drink to that.
Where'd you get that from?
If you are going to settle down with someone, let me give
you a piece of advice.
Make sure you have plenty in common.
Lots of shared interests.
You and Niall have a lot of shared interests?
None whatsoever.
That's why our marriage is a living purgatory.
Well, that and the fact he thinks it's common to
wash his hands after going to the bathroom.
Well, some people just grow apart.
Everyone has to grow up at some point.
Exactly.
CHEERFUL: Ah! Tea time! We made a pot lads.
Oh, we've got the cans.
(LAUGHS) Cheers!
Hmm. What?
Did you find the phone?
No, I've been having the bit of craic with Diego.
And you don't think you could have had the craic and looked
for the phone? Ah, jeez.
Boy, you stop your nagging, you.
I'm not nagging, okay?
Oh, no, it does sound a little bit like nagging.
Who rattled your cage?
Keep your nose out of their business.
I'll tell you who rattled my pissing cage!
You bloody did.
That's because I'm the only one in this relationship with any
sense of responsibility.
Sound familiar?
The only thing you're responsible for is dragging me down
to your boring level. Oh, sound familiar?
I'm the only one in this relationship that wants
to keep it on track!
I mean, you don't even want to have sex with me anymore.
Sound familiar? Wait, no, not...
Not that one. Deirdre, I'm 76!
I don't want to have sex with anyone anymore.
Well, now would you please stop nagging me?
Listen, boy, all right? I don't nag you.
Ah, boy, that's all you do. Listen to yourself.
Or you can't.
You can't be a grown up and have a sense of adventure.
What's that? That's nagging, boy.
It is time you grew up.
I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore, Jock.
Look at us! On the run from the guards again!
Stop. With these two strangers
wearing dresses. Jock?
On the run from the guards?
Shit.
Juan just called you Jock.
No. You going senile? Oh, he definitely did. God!
Shit, Connor! Look what you've done.
Connor? What the...
Gah-God. Jesus Christ. What's going on here?
So if you're on the run from the guards and you're in our
house, does that make us hostages?
Can I make something very clear?
Right, no one here is being kept as a hostage.
Isn't that right, Jock?
(GRUNTING)
A bit of peace and quiet. Oh, Jock.
What have you done, boy?
What? What am I after doing? I'm looking after Jock.
Okay? Sorry.
How exactly?
Because now we have two hostages.
Boy, we-we used to be fun petty criminals.
Oh, you want a bike? Yeah.
We'll rob a little bike. You want some jellies?
We don't have enough money. We rob a few jellies.
Alright, well now we've taken hostages.
Will you just relax, relax. Okay?
We're gonna find the phone, make a phone call and then
we're home and dry boy.
Alright, we'll find the phone so in this absolute kip of a house.
(GRUNTS) That's great. Easy peasy.
(PHONE RINGS)
Well, I didn't know that was going to happen.
Yes. Don't answer.
Don't answer, boy.
If they don't answer, they know something's wrong.
Don't answer it. Ssh, ssh.
OLD MAN VOICE: Hello?
How are you Niall?
Haven't seen two young fellas around, have you?
No, no I haven't... What are you doing?
..seen two boys dressed as women on the run.
I'm cooking for my wife.
Deirdre. Tell him you're bald.
I'm still bald.
Okay, if you see any, would you just let us know?
Yes. Have a good evening. Bye.
That sounded nothing like him.
That sounds like you, doesn't it? No, it didn't.
Is it? IMPRESSION: Yes, come on in, boys.
Who we calling?
Call Mairead, she'll know how to. What?
No, I can't call Mairead, boy.
She'll kill us, boy. And then he'll arrest our corpses.
All right, Jock. Good point. Em, try the girls.
You can't call Siobhan, obvies. Think boy, will you.
I'll never get to see Star again.
You're not making this easy.
Well come up with someone good then, boy.
Billy.
What? Billy Murphy? Yeah. What?
Absolute-are you joking by?
No way. He's a psycho.
And we don't have his number anyway.
So, come on, think of someone else.
I actually have his number on me. How can you have it on you?
You don't have any pockets.
Billy Murphy, bff.
Is that permanent?
Are you serious?
You were gone for five years. Why bff?
I tried to wait after you, but I didn't know what to do.
Why are all his numbers crossed out?
Because he kept losing his phone so
we had to get new numbers and
he do it to me in my sleep with a tattoo gun.
He meant well. He did that when you were sleeping?
Yeah. Yeah, boy, he's not well in the head.
Jeez, boy. Of course we're not ringing him.
Absolute psychopath. Oh, he's the psycho, is he?
Yes. Billy's the psycho?
Well that's funny because you're the one who's back in Ireland.
Only two minutes and we already have the guards chasing us and we
have two pensioners hostage. Oh, boy.
Will you just relax, please? Relax.
Five minutes. Just relax.
How am I meant to relax?
I'm gonna end up back in prison and I'm probably gonna burn
in hell because of you.
Boy, you just nag, nag, nag.. I'm doing your head in.
Do your head in, on your own, cause I'm out of here.
Oh, I'm on my own now, am I? You're on my own.
Am I now, yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
REPEATING: Yeah? Yeah.
I saw a thing on the Internet that said if you take a load
of LSD, you can rewire your brain so any of the bad shit
that happened to you doesn't cause you to make bad decisions.
Finally, a bit of peace.
I think it'll take all the LSD in Ireland to sort Jock out.
(KNOCKING)
It's the guards!
Come out with your hands up.
We know you're in there. MUFFLED: It's the guard, boy.
He got me..
(BANGING ON DOOR)
NIALL IMPRESSION: Hello gaurd, how are you?
Can you stop banging?
I need to concentrate on cleaning my head.
That's a pretty good impression. But it's not Niall, come out.
Put your hands up.
NORMAL: If you don't back off!
I got hostages in here and I'll kill them all!
Hostages? I've never had hostages before.
Hostages? I might have to phone Dublin about this.
I'm not going back to Columbia.
Think, think, think!
Put that down- What are you doing?
Just be quiet.
I need to gather my thoughts.
I don't have any thoughts.
Do you have any ideas?
MUFFLED: Let me go.
One at a time, please. One at a time.
What are you saying?
(MUFFLED DIALOGUE)
What? I said..
Of course you don't know what I'm saying.
I've a gag in me mouth. Okay.
Did you have any ideas?
No, of course I haven't. Great, thanks.
No, no, wait.
I do have something to say. Yeah, we'll make it quick, okay?
Just want to say that if all this goes bad.
I love you, Niall. I mean, you're an
annoying prick and you stink and you don't clean up after yourself
and we don't have sex.
But we've been through everything together.
And somewhere along the line, we just lost our way.
When we were young, it was just the two of us
on a great big adventure together.
Screw everyone else. It was just us.
We were Butch Cassidy and Sundance,
Zig and Zag, Bitty and Miley.
And I'm sure that that's still there.
Underneath all the shite we've been through.
It's always been just you and me, kid, against the world.
And I love you.
Oh, that was...
That was really beautiful, Deirdre.
It's almost like you could have been talking about
me and Con there. I wasn't talking about you and Con.
I was talking about myself and Niall.
We might need backup.. down at Deirdres.
You know, we normally do.
Deirdre's right, boy.
I love you, Jock O'Keefe.
I love you, Conor McSweeney.
Boy.
Sorry.
All good?
You were right. All right?
I was right? You were right.
Well, like, not.
Not about kind of the hostages and lying to the guards
or when you were gonna pick up the knife and stuff.
You were wrong about all of that. Sorry.
Just a bit angry from the PTSD in Columbia.
That's alright. The rope kind of hurt my wrist. Sorry, boy.
It's okay. But you were right about me.
Boy, I'm Connor McSweeney.
Conor of Conor and Jock.
From now on, I'm gonna be a bad boy forever.
Yes, boy. Yes, boy!
♪ Bad boy. Bad boy. What you gonna do?
♪ What you gonna do when they come for you.
(MUFFLED DIALOGUE)
Why are you-What? What are you saying?
I was saying, why am I the only one with a gag in me mouth?
Oh, yeah, sorry. I was getting to you.
Well, now that I've got your attention, I've got
something to say. Huh?
I love you too, Deirdre.
And your little speech has given me a raging boner.
Wow.
We're not your enemies, boys. No.
Who are the enemies around here? The guards.
We hate them.
I despise them bastards.
If you hate the guards as much as us.
We do. We do.
Maybe you could help us.
We're surrounded by them, lads.
We might be surrounded, but I have a plan.
One, two, three.
Niall, is that you! Of course it's me.
WHISPER: Have you got away from the hostage takers?
Hostage takers?
You idiots.
There are no hostage takers here.
That was just me doing a voice.
There's no way that was you doing a voice.
Of course it was.
CORK TWANG: This is me doing it again now.
And this is my normal voice.
And this is me doing the voice again.
And this is me in my normal voice.
Why were you wasting our time doing all that?
If you're telling the truth,
Can I just come in and have a look?
No, no, no. I'm afraid Deirdre's in one of her moods.
Go, go, go, go, go, go. If I could just have a look.
No, I'm afraid you can't. You know what?
I'll rip your head off and use it as a piss pot,
you fat wanker. Go!
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Everyone knows you're an asshole.
Deirdre, stop that!
I will not stop it, you little arse.
(SHOUTING AND CLATTERING) GAURD: Deirdre this energy
was fine when you were a camogie player, but not now.
It's gonna be a long run home.
Yeah, we even know where we are running?
South- Cork is south.
I'll get you- ya dirty... (CRASH)
A fella I met in prison once told me that love makes you soft
in the head and strong in the heart.
If Niall and Deirdre, anything to go by.
Love just makes you angry and pissed off.
But maybe that's okay.
If you can scream at each other,
tie each other up and still run off
into the sunset, you might just be soulmates.
Either that or fucking psychopaths.
Oh, no.
(MOANING)
Do you mind?
We're getting our hole here.
Can I just go for a wee before we go?
(EXCLAIMS) Yes, Jock, yes! You're home boy!
Yes, boy!
Home at last.
You're back. I'm back, boy.
(EXCITED EXCLAIMS)
Let's show Cork what it was missing kid.
What, you live here now? Yeah. Cause of Noel.
Noel? Who? Who's Noel, boy? My brother.
You've a brother?
You hide.
Where the hell have you been?
You're supposed to be babysitting.
(EXCLAIM) Hi, how are you Mairead?
Jock! I got you these. Look.
Colombia. Good to see ya.
You can get these in the Centra down the road.
Really? We're late.
We gotta go. That's for making him cry. Oh, Jesus.
That's for going to a Colombian prison.
All right? Jesus.
Psycho still is she? Nice dresses, lads.
(BABY CRIES)