1 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,440 There comes a point in every young person's life 2 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,640 when you get to say, "Mam, thanks for all the support. 3 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,840 "You've done a great job rearing me, I'm now a fully developed 4 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,800 "human being, and ready to contribute to society." 5 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:23,440 According to Mam, myself and Jock haven't quite got there, though. 6 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,920 It's not as bad as it looks. 7 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,640 Not as bad as it looks? 8 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:30,200 You two have been sponging off me for years while I've been 9 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,880 working my ass off trying to keep you on the straight and narrow, 10 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,640 and all the while you've been leading double lives 11 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,320 as famous masked criminals who the local lunatic wants to murder 12 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,080 and who the local Gardai have a vendetta against? 13 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,560 When you put it like that, it does actually sound pretty cool. 14 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,240 Ah, Jesus! Jesus! 15 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,320 That's child abuse, that's what that is. 16 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:59,960 Yeah. All right, we won't tell on you if you don't tell us, so... 17 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,040 Our lips are sealed. 18 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,880 Are you tried to blackmail me on top of everything else? 19 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:06,640 No, no, we don't do blackmail. 20 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,720 Yeah. Tried it, but it's not profitable. 21 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,920 Turns out people just don't care what pictures of them 22 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,400 are on the internet any more. Yeah. 23 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,120 I'd like to make an appointment for my two troubled boys. 24 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,400 Don't listen to her, we're fine! We're grand! 25 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:19,760 I'm not going to no quack. 26 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,080 She's not a quack, she's Ireland's top psychologist 27 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,960 and she specialises in teenage fuck-ups like the two of ye! 28 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,320 Hello? 29 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,760 Oh, no, next month would be far too late, I'm afraid. 30 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,280 They will be beyond rescuing at that point, I fear! 31 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,680 Get the phone, Con! 32 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,480 Yes! Yes, we'll be there. We'll be there. 33 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,440 I am ever so grateful. 34 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,840 She will see us next Tuesday. 35 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,480 Ha! 36 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,400 9.00am, and her office is in Dublin, 37 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,640 so we need to go up the night before. 38 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:48,840 You can't make us go. 39 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,880 Everything in my head is so carefully organised, 40 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,720 I can't just have someone walk in and move everything around. 41 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,000 Sending me there will be a complete waste of money. 42 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,960 I mean, a fucking two-year-old could tell you the reason I'm messed up 43 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,640 is because me mam's dead and me da's a prick. 44 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,600 There, done, I'm fixed. 45 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,480 The only way that I have been getting through every day 46 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,920 of what has been a very hard life for me is believing that one day, 47 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,160 when ye grow up, I can look at ye with pride 48 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,480 and I can say that I helped ye get there. 49 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,160 But right now, when I picture ye grown up, 50 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,240 all I see is ye in prison. 51 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,440 I can't do this on my own any more, I can't. 52 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,240 I need help. 53 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,760 So either ye come with me... 54 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,640 ..or you move out of the house. 55 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,160 There was no need for that. 56 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,520 A bag of sweets would have got us in the car. 57 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,200 Here, Jock, fucking fart now, don't be farting in the car. 58 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,240 I won't fart. 59 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,840 Here, this is the furthest I'll ever have been outside Cork. What? Yeah. 60 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,800 Here, where are we staying when we get there? Bagsy hotel! 61 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,200 Well, I booked us into Casey's B&B - it's about an hour outside Dublin. 62 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,680 It says here on Tripadvisor Casey's B&B only has one star. 63 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,760 Well, that means someone's already stayed there, 64 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,240 so it can't be that bad. 65 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:12,800 All right. 66 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,920 Jock and me once tried to give up smoking fags 67 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:17,480 and we lasted seven minutes. 68 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,720 Giving up stealing bikes should be a piece of piss 69 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,200 compared to that. 70 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,720 CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY 71 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:28,520 Stop that! 72 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,800 Why? Sure, I'm just looking. 73 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,640 Yeah. Just because we're looking at the menu 74 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,480 doesn't mean we're going to order anything. 75 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:35,920 All right, here's a challenge. 76 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,160 Try not to do anything illegal for the next 24 hours, 77 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,080 while we're on this road trip, yeah? Grand. 78 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,960 How are we supposed to know what's illegal? 79 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,680 Everyone knows what's illegal. 80 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,600 OK, well, let's start with a pop quiz. 81 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,400 Is stealing illegal? 82 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,880 That depends who it's from. 83 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,280 Yeah, grey area. 84 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,080 No, it's not. All stealing is illegal. 85 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,440 Even stealing from the internet? Pirate movies, like? 86 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,120 Yeah. What about stuff you can't hold? 87 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,000 Like what? 88 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,480 You stole my heart, Mairead. 89 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:10,840 Ah, fuck off, Jock. 90 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,680 I love you. Shut up. 91 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,360 I love you, Mairead. 92 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,800 Here, Mam. 93 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,560 Will you give us some money for ice cream? 94 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,760 All that stealing and you've nothing to show for it? 95 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,800 Well, we had a lot of overheads, like. 96 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,800 Come on, give us a euro. No way. 97 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,840 A euro? No! 98 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,920 Er, I have to go for a piss now. 99 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,560 Me, too. 100 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,720 The way me and Jock see it, 101 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,760 there are only three places that teenagers can get money. 102 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,680 From your Mam, who has fuck all of it, from stealing, 103 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,240 which apparently is a big no-no, and, finally, 104 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,720 the grey area between stealing and being given the money. 105 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,880 You want me to take care of that for you? 106 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,840 The queue into the shop's fucking massive. 107 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,880 OK, thanks. 108 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,840 Cheers, we'll get that for you. 109 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,920 Lovely car. 110 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,160 Bye-bye. All the best to you now. 111 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,600 There you are. See you later on. 112 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,040 Would you like a Cornetto or a Magnum White? 113 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,120 Er... 114 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,520 Cornetto, please. 115 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,760 Wait a minute, where did you get them from? 116 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,000 Relax, they're paid for. With what? 117 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,480 Money. 118 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,040 Here's some change - put that towards the trip. 119 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,960 Where'd you get this money from? 120 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,080 Some man in the garage just give us a tenner. 121 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:54,000 I think he mistook us for fuel pump attendants. Yeah. 122 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,960 And you didn't correct him? 123 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,840 That's... That's actually stealing. 124 00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,320 How is that stealing? 125 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,640 He give us ten euro, he didn't specify what it was for, 126 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,200 then he drove away without paying for his petrol. 127 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,120 If anyone's stealing, I'd say it was your man. 128 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,080 Wouldn't you, Jock? I agree with you. 129 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,400 I mean, it was pretty stupid of the man to give ten euros 130 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,800 to two complete strangers, 131 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,240 particularly given what we look like. 132 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,880 But that's not the point, it is still stealing. 133 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,200 If you care so much where the ice creams came from, 134 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,800 you don't have to eat it, Mairead. 135 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,680 Stick to your principles. Here, I'll have it back. 136 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,440 I don't condone what you did. 137 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,480 But I've... I've already licked it, all right? 138 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,800 So it's not like I can bring it back. 139 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,320 All right, boy? How's it going? 140 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,960 How's it going, boy? 141 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,880 I'm starving. Any chance of some food? 142 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,280 Here, have a mint. 143 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,200 Yum! Yum! Look, he's eating it! 144 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,560 Oh, God! 145 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,200 HE LAUGHS, MUTTERS 146 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,320 That's funny. 147 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,840 Do you know what? I was watching a nature programme on the TV 148 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,600 the other day, right? And there was this mother turtle, right? 149 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,640 And she had laid all her eggs in a hole at the top of the beach, 150 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,560 and then all the baby turtles had to make their way down to the sea 151 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,720 without being eaten by birds. OK. 152 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,520 I don't know, just reminded me of the two of ye. 153 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,480 Are we the birds, or are we the baby turtles? 154 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,080 You're the baby turtles. 155 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:37,440 The birds are just life's obstacles being thrown in your way. 156 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,640 Our house IS a hole, so... 157 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,000 Our house isn't a hole. It... 158 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,520 It's just... 159 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,320 Ye're in the hole, yeah? 160 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,520 And now all these hungry birds have come along 161 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:48,880 and they're trying to eat ye. 162 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,760 Why wouldn't we just stay in the hole? Yeah. 163 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,400 Because there's no food in the hole for ye. 164 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,800 When Mama Turtle gets back from work, she'll have a big bag 165 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,720 of shopping and she'll fill up the fridge. 166 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,280 Unfortunately, Mama Turtle has gone off to another island 167 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,720 and she's not coming back. 168 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,040 Why didn't you tell me I had ice cream on my face? 169 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,120 We didn't want to interrupt your turtle story. 170 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,800 Hello? 171 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,440 Hiya. We've booked a room under MacSweeney. 172 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:32,920 But there are three of you. 173 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,440 Yeah, there's a double bed and a single bed in one room. 174 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,120 That is correct. 175 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:44,040 There are two beds in the room. It is a two-person room. 176 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:47,280 But a double bed and a single bed implies three people, does it not? 177 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,760 No, it doesn't. It implies that, if you are a couple, you get to choose 178 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,520 if you'd like to sleep in the double bed. 179 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,160 If you're not a couple, you do not have to sleep together. 180 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,040 You have booked a two-person room. 181 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,960 If there are three of you, you will have to book another room. 182 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,360 House "wules". 183 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,880 Well, I'm not booking a second room. 184 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,600 I'll pay a little bit extra for the third person to go into one room, 185 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,480 if that's what it takes. I'm afraid that won't work. 186 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,800 You will be paying for two breakfasts with the two-person room. 187 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,200 We can't have three people in a room with only two breakfasts. 188 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,920 Well, then, we won't have any breakfast. 189 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,680 But it's a B&B - that means bed and breakfast. 190 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,000 A... J... 191 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,000 SHE MUTTERS 192 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,920 Just give me a sec, all right? Mm-hm. 193 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,720 What are we going to do? Don't worry about it, all right? 194 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,600 I've got a plan. Just go along with it, OK? 195 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,920 So, would you like me to check you into a second room? 196 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:38,160 No, thank you. 197 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,720 We'll stay with the one room and I would rather sleep in the car 198 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,240 than give you any more money, thank you very much. 199 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,440 Suit yourself. 200 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:51,080 But we don't allow the vagrants sleeping in our car park. 201 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,640 You'll have to park and sleep somewhere else. 202 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,160 House "wules". 203 00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,720 Just move, let me in. 204 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,680 Quick, before he sees. 205 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,600 Why are you coming in this way? Because... 206 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,240 Just... What are you...? 207 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:06,920 Jesus! Let me do it myself! 208 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,200 Oh! 209 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,920 KNOCK AT DOOR 210 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,160 Hi. 211 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:17,240 What was that noise? 212 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,440 I... I think it come from next door. 213 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,600 OK. Well, keep it down. 214 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,200 House "wules". 215 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,160 We're fine. 216 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,480 Here, what if he hears us tonight? 217 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,440 He won't. 218 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,360 I have a question, actually. Yes, Jock? 219 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,200 Isn't this stealing? 220 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,800 Yeah. 221 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,120 No. 222 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,760 That B&B fella owner is a prick. 223 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,800 And, besides, he tried stealing from us by making us pay 224 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,120 for a second room, so, you know, it balances out. 225 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,120 Ah! 226 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,840 Oh, yeah! 227 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:09,560 God, I could murder a drink. 228 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,040 Ye can't be hungover at the psychologist's office 229 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,680 tomorrow morning, all right? 230 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,560 Just one drink. 231 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:30,120 DRUNKEN MURMURING 232 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,920 Hiya. 233 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,760 How much have you drank already? 234 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:46,920 ALL: Just the one. 235 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,720 MAN SINGS IN BACKGROUND I'm just saying, 236 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,640 I'm not convinced that therapy is the answer to all our problems. 237 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,640 Like, I mean, this is fairly therapeutic in itself, isn't it? 238 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,840 Maybe we should just go out and drink some more, like. 239 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,800 They say drinking just stops all your problems. 240 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,240 To be honest, I don't know why people don't drink more often. 241 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,640 SHE BELCHES 242 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,880 It's just that people who think they don't need therapy 243 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,080 are always the ones who need therapy the most. 244 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,400 Oh, we need therapy definitely, don't we, Jock? 245 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,560 Oh, yeah. I need therapy really, really bad. 246 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,040 Oh, wait. If we both think we need therapy, 247 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,200 doesn't that mean we don't need therapy? 248 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,560 Oh, yeah! 249 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,400 Hey! No therapy! 250 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,160 Nice try, nice try. 251 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,600 # Coming back again... # 252 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,440 Here, boy. 253 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,360 Will you play a song that we all know now? 254 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:32,600 I don't do covers. 255 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,520 Boy, they're easy, I'll show you right now. 256 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,280 I'm done, I'm going home. 257 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,600 Have you got soft fingers, is that what it is, yeah? 258 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,240 I don't have soft fingers. 259 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,520 Here, just play the chord that's a triangle 260 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,480 and then play the one that's not a triangle. 261 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,320 All chords that look like triangles or not triangles. Which one? 262 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,480 If I sing, will you be able to just figure it out? 263 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,640 Grand. 264 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,000 I've never hear him sing. 265 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,320 HE EXHALES 266 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,600 This one's for you, Mam. 267 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,840 Thanks for always being there for us when we fuck up. 268 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:08,360 # I have fallen down so many times 269 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,800 # Don't know why, don't know where 270 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,960 # Don't care less, it's all the same 271 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:23,000 # I have travelled through so many towns 272 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,360 # Don't know why, don't know where 273 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:32,760 # Don't care less, it's all the same 274 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:42,720 # How can I protect you in this crazy world? 275 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,920 # It's all right 276 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,200 # Yeah, it's all right... # 277 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,280 HE VOCALISES 278 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:01,040 ALL: # Can you hear the sound of nothing? # 279 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,200 Huh? 280 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,240 # Nothing 281 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,560 # Nothing's right, nothing's wrong 282 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,880 # Don't care less, it's all the same 283 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:21,840 # How can I protect you in this crazy world...? 284 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,560 Come on! 285 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,680 # It's all right 286 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:31,440 # Yeah, it's all right 287 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,120 # How can I protect you in this... 288 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,000 # ..crazy world? 289 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,760 # It's all right... # 290 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,200 What are you doing in here? 291 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:47,680 Just making sure there are only two of you in this two-person bedroom. 292 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,480 All right. Yeah. 293 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,640 Well, now that you've made sure, do you mind leaving 294 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,080 and being creepy somewhere else? 295 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:54,280 KNOCK AT WINDOW 296 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,960 Let me in before that prick of a dickhead bollocks B&B owner sees me. 297 00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,520 Shit. 298 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,240 Too late. 299 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:10,400 That prick of a dickhead bollocks B&B owner sees you. 300 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,440 Oh, good evening, sir. 301 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,720 SHE SNIGGERS 302 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:26,320 You may find this funny, but running a B&B is a tough business. 303 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:30,720 I barely make enough for my family to live off and it's people like you 304 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:34,880 trying to steal free accommodation that will bring me to bankruptcy. 305 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,400 Sorry, I'll... 306 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,680 ..I'll pay for another room. 307 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,440 We don't do check-ins after 9:30pm. 308 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,480 But, just so you don't think I'm unreasonable, 309 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,240 there's no need for you to move your car. 310 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,720 You can sleep in our car park. 311 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:58,480 By the way, letting your children drink under the legal age... 312 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,360 I won't report you this time. 313 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,800 Sorry. 314 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,040 No singing - House "wules". 315 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,360 "House wules." 316 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:21,400 THEY CHUCKLE 317 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,240 "House wules." "House wules." 318 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,640 SHE VOMITS 319 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,520 SHE SPITS 320 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:49,040 SHE MOANS AND URINATES 321 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,760 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop... 322 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,240 Ah... 323 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,560 KNOCK ON WINDOW 324 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,760 HE GRUNTS 325 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,360 WHISPERS: Fucking arseholes. 326 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,920 Can we make this quick? You're letting all the cool air in. 327 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,720 Ah, good morning, Mairead. 328 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,040 I had the best sleep of my life. 329 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,160 Hmm. 330 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,200 You look very tired. 331 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,960 Get your stuff. We are leaving - now. 332 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,760 We've paid for bed and breakfast. 333 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,120 Now! Breakfast. It's house "wules", Mam. 334 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,200 I'd go back again. Yeah. 335 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,920 Ah... It stinks of vomit and piss. 336 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,320 Were you the only one who stayed in here last night? 337 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,560 Of course I was only one who stayed in here last night. 338 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,560 Who else would want to stay in here last night? 339 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,720 That smell of vomit and piss is yours? 340 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,840 Yep. Best night of my life. 341 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,720 Come here. I need to get baby wipes, a public jacks 342 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,720 and a sausage sandwich in that order. 343 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,280 Open the gates. We're getting out of here. Come on. 344 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,640 Oh, bollocks. 345 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,600 We received a call that you may be attempting to drive 346 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,320 while over the legal limit. 347 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,840 Fucking dickhead. 348 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,440 What's that smell? Did you piss yourself? 349 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:30,600 No, guard, no. 350 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,520 I just SPILLED some piss on myself, that's all. 351 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,400 Don't worry - it doesn't measure bad breath, just alcohol levels. 352 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,440 Yo! Dickhead! 353 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,160 Look over here, you dickhead! 354 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,160 I'm not a dickhead. Yeah, you are! 355 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:47,080 Chase us! Come on, chase us! I had your mam! 356 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,240 You did not. 357 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:51,720 Oh, yeah, I had your mother, too, and she was very disappointing. 358 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,600 Oh, yeah, yeah! 359 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,600 HIGH-PITCHED MOANING 360 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:54,880 Would you fuck off? 361 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,560 Come on, just fucking chase us, will you?! I'm not a chasing guard. 362 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,120 Now, get lost before I call the guards. 363 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,720 You ARE a guard. 364 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,160 More guards, then! 365 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,680 What do we do? 366 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,680 Here, look! Eh? Eh? I'll do it! 367 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,000 Oh, Jock! 368 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,560 You wouldn't dare. He would. He loves smashing things. 369 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,280 He smashes things all the time. 370 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,240 You do that and you're going to get guaranteed prison time. 371 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,720 All right, all right, I won't do it. 372 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:24,880 Sorry. 373 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,480 On some occasions, when it comes to breaking the law, 374 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,920 you've got to use your own judgment as to what's the right thing to do. 375 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,880 Right, I'm going to chase you and I'm going to catch you! 376 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,120 Come back here! You are in big, big trouble! 377 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,160 And this was definitely one of them occasions 378 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,640 when Mam would have no problem agreeing with us. 379 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,320 Oh, look who's coming here. Look. 380 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,000 Hello, ding-dong, what time is this, like? 381 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,160 Here, look, I got you a sausage sandwich, baby wipes 382 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,040 and here's the key to the jacks. 383 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,320 Drop it back into the shop when you're done, all right? 384 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,720 Just as you requested. 385 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,280 Er, excuse me, are you forgetting something? 386 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,640 Forgetting something? 387 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,960 How about, er, "Thank you, Conor and Jock, for helping me 388 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,080 "with that guard"? 389 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,040 "Thank you"? Yeah, "Thank you." Yeah, "Thank you." 390 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,680 "Thank you"? Our pleasure. 391 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:21,920 "Thank you"? 392 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,920 It's all right now. It's done. Forget about it. "Thank you"?! 393 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,320 Yeah, OK, you can...you can stop now. You're embarrassing me now. 394 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,080 "Thank you"?! That's the last one now, OK? No more thank yous. 395 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,640 I'll give you a fucking thank-you! 396 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,120 Thank you for making me the accessory to the destruction 397 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,880 of garda property, thank you for proving to me that the little voice 398 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,040 in my head was fucking right, that I am only capable of raising 399 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:45,560 two fuck-ups, and thank you for wasting my fucking life raising you! 400 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:49,240 Give me that, ye little shit! You were the one who was drink-driving! 401 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,360 If it weren't for us, you'd be getting prosecuted, you'd be losing 402 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,520 your licence, facing a massive fine and getting some prison time. 403 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,760 Would you rather we just didn't help you? 404 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:59,520 Just wait in the car, all right? 405 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,120 Everyone knows from watching movies that the key to beating 406 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,120 a psychologist in a therapy session is to keep your mouth shut 407 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,640 and let them do all the talking. 408 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:28,080 THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER 409 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,040 Look... Hello, everyone? 410 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,800 Everyone, please, just one voice at a time, yes? 411 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,160 So... No, Mairead, let them speak. You'll have your turn later. 412 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,680 Thank you. Thank you. 413 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:41,800 Now... 414 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,600 Mam is just angry because she is fully aware that, 415 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,400 ever since she left Cork, 416 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,480 she has committed more crimes than we have and she doesn't like it. 417 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,360 Oh, yeah, yeah, no. Hippopotamus. 418 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,400 What? What did you call me? Mairead! 419 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,640 Hippopotamus. She tells us we can't do one thing, 420 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,400 then she goes off and does it herself. A hippo. 421 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,800 Crite. Crite. A hypocrite. 422 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,000 Hypo-crate... 423 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,120 I'd like to take a moment to talk about the masks that you both wear. 424 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:12,640 Our...our masks? 425 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,320 Yeah, the masks that you wear to hide who you really are. 426 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,440 Did you tell her about that? No, I didn't. 427 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,280 Well, someone fucking did, didn't they? 428 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:21,840 I swear I didn't fucking tell her! 429 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,400 You're not the first people to walk through this door wearing masks. 430 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,880 Really? Oh, yeah, it's very common. 431 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,920 But the more insight I have into these masks, 432 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,920 the more I'll be able to help. 433 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:37,960 All right, well, the mask I wear is of a little girl. 434 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,920 I wear a little girl's mask. 435 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,000 It's a princess mask. 436 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,440 Do you like having other people doing everything for you? 437 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,200 No. Ha-ha! Yeah! No. Yeah. 438 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,720 No, I don't. Yeah, everything. 439 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,920 And sometimes I actually have to tie his shoelaces in the morning. 440 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,640 The mask that I wear is of a person that kind of frightens me, 441 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,640 frightens me a lot, but then other times he's a friend of mine. 442 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,600 What does that mean? 443 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,160 When you're wearing this mask and you look in the mirror, 444 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,120 do you like what you see? 445 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:07,400 No, no... Ugly. 446 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,560 You think you're ugly. 447 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:09,840 No, no, no, no, no. 448 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,440 When I'm wearing the mask, yes. 449 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,640 When I have it off, I'm a handsome fucker. 450 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,720 Sometimes, when I'm with you and you're wearing the mask, 451 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,760 I don't like you as much cos you remind me of him. 452 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:25,160 And sometimes, when I'm looking at Billy Murphy in real life, 453 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,600 I like him more cos it reminds me of you. 454 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:32,360 And why does this person, Billy Murphy, remind you of Jock? 455 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:37,000 Well, it's just, when he wears the mask, he just looks quite like him. 456 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,120 With the mask, with the mask. 457 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,520 It's just a bit scary. 458 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,280 But... I'll just... 459 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,160 Oh, Mam, you don't have to do that. Just shut up. 460 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,080 Oh! 461 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,640 These are your masks? Yeah. 462 00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,000 Fake Billy! 463 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,280 How do you...? You know me? 464 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,920 And the princess. Of course. My brother lives in Cork. 465 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,600 He is a massive fan since ye stole his bike. 466 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,520 Oh, Christ almighty! A racer on Patrick's Hill? 467 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,920 See... There's been so many, it's hard to keep track, you know? 468 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,520 Patrick's Hill, we hit up a lot, 469 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,440 then we'll be up on Carlton Street... Yeah. 470 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,080 You gave him three euro for the bus, so he wouldn't have to walk. 471 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,200 We do a lot of that stuff, do you know what I mean? 472 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,320 Like, take a lot, give a little. Ohh! 473 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,480 It's a fucking pleasure! 474 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,760 Lovely to meet you! Absolutely lovely to meet you. 475 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:31,960 Tell your brother we said hi. 476 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,440 Do you mind if I try it on? Please, be my guest. 477 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,400 Bear in mind, when you put it on, it might be a bit warm, 478 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,360 especially when you're breathing... 479 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,520 Are you for fucking real?! 480 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,920 I didn't come all this way and pay all this money 481 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,440 so you could stroke their egos! 482 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,080 Come on, we're going! Come on, we're going - now. 483 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,920 Mairead, please. Here's the thing. 484 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:56,440 Your two boys have just come out to you from behind their masks. 485 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,960 Don't you think it's time that you came out 486 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,360 from behind your mask to them? 487 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,400 I'm not wearing a mask. 488 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:06,960 Yes, you are. 489 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:12,040 The mask is what we use to hide our true selves from other people. 490 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,960 I know what a fucking mask does. 491 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,440 Then why are you hiding behind that mask that you're wearing? 492 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:19,560 I'm not wearing a mask! This is my face! 493 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,640 I'm not talking about that face! 494 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:26,720 I'm talking about your other face, the face in front of that face. 495 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,880 We are here to talk about them and their masks. 496 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,360 They're the ones with the problems. 497 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:34,120 My only problem is fuckin' fixing their problems! 498 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,160 My only face is this face! 499 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:41,040 It's not a face! It's a mask! 500 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:45,120 It's a tough, angry mask, yeah? 501 00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:50,320 Stern, scary eyes, flaring nostrils, teeth tight together, 502 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,840 ready to bite the ear off someone. 503 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,280 That is a mask that says, "I am ready for anything." 504 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,840 But, most importantly, it says, "Don't fuck with my boys 505 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:03,200 "because I am prepared to put my life on the line for them." 506 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:09,360 You're a protector, Mairead, that's who you are 507 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,240 and it's an extraordinary quality. 508 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:16,160 But the problem with wearing masks is that we get used to 509 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,720 wearing them and then they're very hard to take off. 510 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,120 And sometimes a person forgets that they're wearing the mask, 511 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,640 and they leave it on all the time. 512 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,080 A mask, just like the one that you're wearing, 513 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,600 can be exhausting to leave on all the time. 514 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:36,240 You need to take off the mask and be yourself now and again. 515 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,440 Come on, let's try it. 516 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,240 Take off the mask. 517 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,200 Come on, now. 518 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,000 Take off the mask. 519 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,920 Take off the mask. 520 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:58,040 Take off the mask. Come on, Mairead, take off the mask. 521 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,920 Take off the mask. Come on, Mairead, you can do it. 522 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,960 Just take off the mask. Take off the mask. Take off the mask. 523 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,080 BOTH: Take off the mask. 524 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:09,960 HE EXHALES 525 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,880 Take off the mask. 526 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,440 HE WHISPERS: She's going to take it off. 527 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,160 Oh, my God. Look at her. 528 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,360 Oh, my God, look at ye! 529 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:31,360 Where's Mairead? Where's Mairead gone? 530 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,720 That is beautiful. 531 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,280 Wow. 532 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,640 Has someone kidnapped my mam? I'd ride ya. 533 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,280 Jesus Christ! 534 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,200 Get me in there! 535 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:55,640 We made great progress today, but this is just the beginning. 536 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:59,120 I think you'll benefit most from my year-long package - 537 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,880 that's 52 sessions for the price of 50. 538 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:05,680 That comes to the bargain price of 3,900 euro. 539 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,440 Er... What the fuck? 540 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,760 3,900 euro? Yeah. 541 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:15,120 That... That's stealing, that's what that is. That's actually stealing. 542 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,840 That's actually daylight robbery. Yeah. Did you mean to say that? 543 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,200 We take off your mask and what's left? What's behind it? 544 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,440 A fucking thief. 545 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,480 Here. Put that back on there. Thief. 546 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:26,360 There we go. Fuckin'... Robbery. 547 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:45,240 I was thinking more about that story you told us about the baby frogs. 548 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,800 Baby turtles. Yeah, that one. 549 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:50,320 I was just thinking, we're not really like baby turtles 550 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,960 cos we've got a human mother who's looking after us. 551 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,000 And reptiles don't really give a shit about their children. 552 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,160 See, when we're trapped in that hole, 553 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,280 with no hope of getting back to the sea, 554 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:07,520 we can rely on you to come back up that dangerous, sandy beach 555 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:09,240 and scare off all those birds 556 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:12,000 and just look after us until we're ready to go. 557 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:16,280 So your story's wrong. 558 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:21,720 So cute! 559 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:26,080 How about we go get some ice cream? 560 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:29,280 Sorry, lads, I don't have a penny on me until I get paid tomorrow. 561 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,120 No. Not that again. 562 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:37,840 Ah, come on, it'll be fine! No. 563 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,160 It'll be more convincing with you helping. 564 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,960 No. Definitely not. No. 565 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:43,200 How about this, right? 566 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:47,040 We pull up, we pull up by the pumps, and we go over to the man and go, 567 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:49,760 "Hiya, how are you?" And you get out and, you know...? 568 00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:51,440 Flash her tits? Yeah. 569 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,400 What? I'm not flashing my tits for ice cream! We won't look. 570 00:29:54,400 --> 00:30:01,320 # How can I protect you in this crazy world? 571 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,440 # It's all right 572 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,480 # It's all right 573 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:20,600 # How can I protect you in this crazy world? #