This programme contains strong language.
CONOR: Ever since Star has been born,
Jock has been noticing a distinct lack of trust.
Are you fucking going to let me hold her by myself?
Not since the drop incident. It was a near drop incident.
Yeah. Burp her. I am burping her.
That's not how you burp her. It's hard to burp her right
when you're all watching me.
There. See?
Oh!
Ah! Ah! Ah, Janey!
Oh!
Never again.
Would you relax!
I dropped Conor loads when he was small. And sure, look, he's grand.
If you could sell this stuff, you'd make a fortune.
I need to go to the toilet, Orla. Can you take over?
Mama's here.
All right. It's just until she can walk.
Twist your arm. I'll twist your arm all right.
You! Get into the van.
Look, I had this dream about how to make a load of money,
and you two were in it. So get in before I make ye get in.
I really... Come on! Fuck.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
This plan came to me in a dream.
It was like someone whispered it in my ear.
And whoever it was also whispered,
"Get Conor and Jock to help."
Aren't you going to ask me what the plan is?
Erm...
What is your plan, Billy?
Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Jock.
And I have for you three words.
Fuck ing heist.
A heist? Like in the films, with fucking banks and casinos
and shit? Yeah. But there's going to be no casinos, no banks.
There's just going to be a shitload of TVs.
You have our attention. Continue. Aye, yeah.
This is the plan.
What, make two bricks fuck each other?
No! D'ye see that store there?
Well, I've been watching it for weeks.
Oh, and d'ye see that truck driver up there?
His name is Paul.
This Tuesday, at approximately 1pm,
Paul will be dropping off a shitload of TVs to that very store.
He's going to go behind there, he's going to open up his door
and unload a load of televisions.
But this Tuesday, he's going to get a phone call from his girlfriend.
So he'll be distracted away from the TVs. All right.
Then, I'm going to reverse this van up to the back of his truck.
The bricks are the vans! And I'm going to unload
those very expensive televisions into the back of our van
without being seen,
and then I'm going to drive off down the road.
Yeah, I know, it's not a great idea. No, no!
Billy, I... I think for once, you might have actually
come up with something that's going to work. Serious?
Well like, the way I was thinking it,
I'm more of a disorganised criminal,
and ye, ye're more of, like, organised criminals. Yeah.
So I was thinking, you know,
ye could be the brains of the operation.
Well, if you're looking for the brains of the operation,
then you came to the right place, like.
All right, let's do it, boy! Yes!
Jock, you're in luck. You're going to get to look after Star
for the whole day. Really?! Mm-hm.
Well, is your... is your da OK with that?
I'm super OK with that.
Why is he in a good mood? Did you get sent that video
of the principal that's going around? The one where he's caught
wanking in the woodwork room?
Oh, yeah, yeah, but I deleted that.
I..I only watched it a few times and it was funny and then...
..then I just realised I was watching an old fella
having a wank.
Well, your man was due to get a Best Principal award.
Barry was the only other principal available at such short notice to travel to Dublin.
So they've given him the award instead.
And me and the girls are going to tie in a shopping trip.
It would be nice if you came along and showed some support.
Just saying. Larry, it's a four-hour ceremony.
Fuck that!
We got this, OK? You just enjoy the ceremony.
We got Star covered for the day.
We'll pencil you in for, eh, Wednesday? No, tomorrow.
The ceremony's tomorrow. Tomorrow? Right.
Eh... Yeah, no, tomorrow, you have to... No.
Eh, myself and Jock have, eh, a prior engagement.
What's more important than looking after Star?
Tomorrow? Yeah, no, we can do tomorrow.
Aye. We can do it, yeah, don't worry. Let's do it. I promise you.
You fuck this up and I'll never trust the pair of you with her ever again.
Have you got it? Yeah.
Yeah? Right.
Tomorrow. I can't wait.
Doing a heist with a baby is pretty much like walking on the moon.
Not many people in the world can say they've done it.
Look at that baby, huh? My baby. That's Con's baby.
Everything you need is in this bag.
Oh, no love, I'm not to be there. I'm going to work. What?!
Shite! Don't look! It's fine.
That's just a doll. Don't worry about that.
OK! Well, call me if anything really bad happens. Bye, luvvie!
Eh, don't worry. Nothing really bad's going to happen.
Eh, it'll be fine.
I know.
Are you going to miss me? Eh...
My knob is, like, red raw, so, eh,
I could do with a break.
I figured that was a reasonable request,
because me dick has been doing split shifts ever since
meself and Linda broke each other's virginity.
Ah, it's only 24 hours. I don't even care, I'm not going to miss you
when I'm gone anyway. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Only a day. Yeah.
Have a good time, yeah? Come on.
It's lovely. Bye! Bye-bye.
Say bye to Mammy, look. Bye-bye.
Say, "S'later". S'later.
All right, Mam's gone, now we're going to have some fun, aren't we?
See you at stage one. What's stage one again?
Just pick us up and bring us to town, all right?
What the fuck is that? It's a baby.
I know it's a fucking baby. What's it doing here?
Her mam is in Dublin for the day, so she's coming with us.
No fucking way! It's not a proper heist if one of the gang members
has a baby! We're bringing her as cover.
No-one's going to suspect three dads in a heist.
Right? Oh, that's good, that's good!
Brains, boy, brains!
This thing is like a fucking Rubik's Cube! Siobhan said there's a button.
Then it just folds up. There's loads of fucking buttons! Here, give me a go!
Clip, clip, lift! Clip, clip...
Here. I have it. I have it.
Why... Billy!
Jesus, you're going to break the pram! Billy! Billy!
Fucking thing!
You just broke the fucking thing.
Well, you can take it out of my share, OK?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't put her into the front of the van.
Do you want to be drawing attention to us, or what?
What do you suggest, then? Strap her onto the roof.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a great idea.
You do realise it's saying things like that that make people think
you're fucking mental? I was joking.
The way Jock sees it, the best way to get good at something,
like minding a baby, is do it alongside the most difficult thing you can think of.
There. She's safer now than in any car. Right.
We're good here! Hit the road!
And what's more difficult than a heist?
Are ye all right? Slow the fuck down! It's not the getaway. It's the get-to!
Fucking A!
Oh, boy, I'm staring to question if bringing a baby on a heist
is a good idea or a fucking stupid idea.
Will you just relax, will you? Look, that's the worst of it over now.
We'll have the job done in an hour and then we'll have her back
watching Peppa Pig on a state-of-the-art 50 inch
plasma screen TV, won't we?
Billy, you've got to go and make sure the coast is clear, right?
Oh, Daddy's going to bring all your stuff as well,
so if we get in any trouble, we can...
Here.
OK. Are you ready? Let's steal some TVs!
Don't tell anyone now.
Don't be a snitch. OK, don't tell Mammy.
Jesus! Fuck! Billy, he's fucking over there.
These binoculars are really good. You're in the middle of the footpath. Somebody walking...
Listen to me for a second, OK? Listen to me for a second.
If somebody's coming down this hill you're going to force them out into the road and get them killed.
Oh, our cover's blown. What are we going to do now?
Look, abort the plan, get the van, burn it, head for the hills!
Come here, come here! Right, look, stop panicking.
It's fine.
See, look, he's leaving already. There's no problem.
What if he comes back? That's what's genius about your plan, remember?
If he does, all he's going to see is a van parked up against a truck, OK?
He's not going to know we're in the back getting rich off TVs. Exactly.
Are you going to be able to hold your shit together now?
Sure, just give me a light! No.
There's no smoking lit cigarettes around the baby.
We won't, don't worry, we won't. Not yet.
No. When you're older.
Come on.
Act natural. Right? Do you want to hold it?
You can hold it for a second. Just for a second, all right?
You can hold it for a second. Oi, no, no, no!
The only reason Daddy steals is so you can live a happy life.
Did one of ye stand in shit?
Wait...
It wasn't me. It wasn't me.
Well, it's hardly me!
It wasn't her.
She just took a massive shit back at the house before we left.
It smells like baby shit to me. What does baby shit smell like?
Well, it smells like somebody who's only ever after drank milk took a shit.
Give her a sniff there. Why, why am I the sniffer?
Just give her a sniff. I'm not... God, gee, Christ!
Yeah, no, yeah, it's her. Oh, bollocks!
Lads, he's here.
Get him to circle round, get him to circle round. Go around again.
Pick up that, erm, that thing from the bag and work out how that works.
Ah!
What's that for? It's a papoose.
What's a porpoise? A papoose!
It's not a dolphin. It's for carrying a baby.
Do you know what you're doing? Yeah, it's like a kangaroo...
Hold on, you need to pull that up. Ah!
Come on.
Jesus!
What's your mam feeding you, huh?
It's all wrong. You look like fucking Rambo or something. Look!
Mind your head there, now. All right.
There you go. OK.
Let's get this out. Here, here! Give us some privacy there.
Here, come here, come here!
Give us some privacy, yeah? Watch your head there.
There you go. Erm... Right, come on.
All right, here we go now, huh?
It's too tight! Put your arm in.
Your fucking arm, not... What are you doing to me, like?!
OK? All right. Yeah. Look at the bear.
Is she yours? Of course she's fucking mine.
Take a look at me, do you think anyone would trust me
with a baby that wasn't mine? "Is she yours?"
Oh, who's a stinky boo-boo?
The baby's teething, you know, just, eh...
That's it. Hold that. That's... That's good enough.
That's good enough.
Nice one. Cheers. Cheers, lads. There we go!
Oh, you're sneezing!
You're sneezing! There you go. Bless you.
Oh, nice one, lads! Ta-da! Look at that!
It's time...
..to call Paul.
Paul has the contact saved as me girlfriend on his phone,
just in case anyone checks his recent calls.
Star's hungry. She must have an empty stomach
after all that shitting. I just need to give her a quick feed.
Ah, for fuck's sake, she's not getting a share if she keeps slowing us down.
What do you mean, she's not getting a share?
What's she doing here, so?
Siobhan's left a note.
"Ster...
"Steril...
"Steril-ise...
"Sterilise the bottle."
Sterilise the bottle? What does that mean, sterilise the bottle?
Sterilise... Oh, do you remember that kid in school that was adopted
cos his dad was sterilised?
Everything in his ball sack was dead?
So we need to kill everything inside the bottle?
How are we going to do that? You need to pour boiling water on it.
I used to do it to everything in prison. Just to play it safe, like.
Right. Sure, that place sells kettles.
You call Paul, all right? We'll be back in five.
PAUL'S MOBILE RINGS
The girlfriend. Hello, sweetheart.
HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Oh, hello, Pauley-wauley!
How are you, my little petal?
I just wanted to talk to you. I miss your voice.
I miss you too. It's so... it's so nice to hear your voice too.
I'll go and check. Cheers.
Star, here's your bottle now, right?
Look, we have a little minor delay there at the moment.
That's no bother. I'll... I'll drop it along.
I have... I have it for you in the van.
It's there for you, love. Don't worry about it.
Chow mein, your favourite.
I love you. Just keep talking.
BABY CRIES
I know, I know! I know!
Hey, look - what's that? What's that? Oh, yeah.
Ah, shite!
TENSE MUSIC PLAYS
You can't be doing that. It's just hot water.
It's sterile. Go on, sell some jars.
The most annoying thing about that prick Sergeant Healy is,
once he's got his nose up your hole, he never gives up.
Just ask me mam.
Come on, Mairead, please just... just get back with me.
Fuck off!
You are nothing without me. Fuck off!
Mairead, erm, I may have called you last night, and, erm...
Fuck off!
Well, I meant every word I said, you ungrateful bitch.
Fuck off! I'm begging you, Mairead, I just...
..I love you so much. Fuck off!
At least when Healy was dating me mam,
he wasn't sniffing around our holes.
That prick Tony was calling me ten times a day,
and now he hasn't called me in, like, two days.
Like, what's his fucking buzz?
I bet you he's playing hard to get.
But, like, he's the one chasing me.
I am not chasing him.
So, it's just not going to work, like.
I wouldn't call him if I were you, anyway. You're wasting your time.
I won't.
PHONE RINGS
Fuck's sake.
Yeah, what do you want?
Well, nothing from you, that's for fucking sure.
Oh...
Bollocks!
There's only so much flirting I can do with Paul
before he expects to ride.
What are you wearing right now?
She won't drink it.
Well, you have to give it to her like a boob.
Like a boob?
Look, it's there.
There. Look, look.
Here, look, it's a booby.
Hang on, I've got an idea.
What are you doing with that? Get away from me.
Oh-ho-ho, oh, geez, no.
Relax. I'm going to cut a hole in your T-shirt.
What? We'll make it look like a booby.
Give him the child.
Hiya. Hi, Star. Hi...
BABY GRIZZLES
That's a good baby.
Cut a hole in your top, all right?
All right, just be careful. This is like old times, man.
Watch my eyes, will you? What one's your booby?
No sudden movements. I don't want to hurt you.
There you go.
What did you think I was going to do to you?
Now, put the bottle through.
Right you are.
But you've got to put the milk through so she can see the milk.
There you go, a teat.
It's Siobhan.
It's Siobhan, look at my boobies.
She doesn't know who Siobhan is. It's Mam.
What did I tell you, huh?
Now, let's go rob a shitload of TVs, huh?
OK, darling.
WHISPERS: Keep talking. Even if I don't reply, just keep talking.
Anything you say.
Hurry up, please.
But you're going to have to stay on the line, OK?
Billy...Murphy.
I've been speaking to people in the area,
and they said that you've been around here every day
for the past week with a pair of binoculars round your neck
looking suspicious.
What are you up to?
Bird-watching.
Yeah, bird-watching.
I'm looking at the, erm, the swallows outside.
They're... They're mating at the moment.
WHISPERS: Jock. Are there many swallows in here?
Jock. Come on.
What? What?
Oh, shit.
Star, look. Please, look.
We're just going to make you a little bed here, all right?
Cos we can't have you being seen, can we?
Right, I'll put you down here. BABY CRIES
You'll be OK. All right, OK.
Here you go.
Erm...
Where did you even get the binoculars, Billy?
I, erm...
..rented them.
Yeah, where did you rent them from, then?
The fucking binocular shop.
HE LAUGHS
I'm not always on about work.
I-I-I, you know...
I-I care for you.
Hey... Hey, Jock? Yeah, I know, Conor, right?
Just give me a second while I'm thinking, yeah? But you're...
Conor, we just need to come up with a distraction.
Will you just help me think? Jock! What?
Where's Star? She's th...
Oh, shit. Star!
Star!
Star, Star. Come back.
HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
I need to get Healy, I'm going to get Healy.
If you get Healy, the heist is over.
No, fuck the heist, man. Oh, for fuck's sake.
Billy, erm...
What are you two doing here? I was just shopping, cos...
No, what fucking difference does that make?
Listen, I can't find my daughter.
I'm after putting her down for two seconds,
she's after disappearing. OK, well, just keep calm, all right?
She can't have gotten far.
Well, unless she's been snatched, that is.
Er, Healy, you're not helping.
All right, when was the last time you saw her?
About three minutes ago, tops.
Three minutes ago?!
Yeah. 180 seconds?!
All right, well, as far as I can see, there are only three exits,
and we're looking at roughly 5,000 square feet of ground to cover.
You, stay here. I'm not finished talking with you, all right?
Split up.
That's a great distraction. Was that her idea or yours?
HE LAUGHS
It's not a fucking distraction. She's lost.
Are we going to get back to the heist?
Will you shut up about the fucking heist and start looking for Star?
The fucking heist!
Stick with the story. OK.
Baby Star?
Conor, Conor...
PHONE VIBRATES
What, what?
What do I do? Siobhan's calling, what the fuck?
I promised I'd have my phone on me at all times. Er...well...
If you don't answer soon,
she'll know there's something wrong. Just...
Hiya!
How's it going?
Yeah, we're having a lovely day. Lovely.
Out of breath? No, I've just been...
Out of breath, been playing... Back at my house, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, you want... You want to talk to Star? Want to say hello?
Erm... W-Well, I can't see a reason why not, so...
How's... How's it going?
HE CRIES LIKE A BABY
Ah... What?! No, no, that is not Conor pretending to be Star!
Excuse me now! I have to go, yeah?
I have a baby to look after, you know, yeah?
"How's it going?" Are you fucking...?
She's eight months old, you f... I mumbled it! She can't speak...
Are you fucking drunk?! I don't know what babies say!
Star?! Star?
Star? Check all the... I checked...
I know that, love. I know. Sure, I know.
We'll make the breakfast in the morning.
Am I insane? What? We'll make the br...
Yeah, we'll make the breakfast in the morning, then, and a little bit
of toast on the side, you like your little butter then as well.
MUFFLED: Star? Star?
For fuck's sake!
Star? Star?!
Here. Now, look, it's fine. We'll find her, all right?
What's the matter, love? Is everything all right?
It's my daughter, Star...
My first day being allowed to mind her,
and I'm already after fucking losing her. Aw!
Bringing a child out of the house is one of the hardest things
you'll ever do in your life. Yeah, well, I f...
I fucking lost her. I'm the shittest fucking dad.
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're not the first parent ever to have lost a baby.
Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say. Have you ever lost yours?
Of course! Twice.
Once in the supermarket.
Overnight.
Really?
I, er, lost my toddler on the train to Dublin.
They found her in the toilet again.
And when I say she was in the toilet, I mean she was...
..in the toilet.
Who else here has lost a child at some time or another?
VARIOUS: Yeah. Me.
So... So you're all... you're all shit parents.
All parents are shit parents at some time.
The key to it is to be the best parent you can,
the rest of the time.
And I can tell by the way you care about your baby Star
that that's what you are. A great parent.
I... Thanks.
Now, listen. Your baby is going to be around here somewhere.
And you just need to get up off your hole and go look for her, yeah?
Yeah.
And we'll all help. Yeah! Right? Right. Of course!
HE SIGHS
OK...
Attention, customers.
Stop what you're doing now and start looking for a missing baby.
Star?
If you find an unattended baby without the owner,
please bring it over to the customer service desk. Thank you.
Star...? Star? Star?
Star?!
I found one.
That's not my baby.
Star? Star?
That's my baby!
Shhh.
Star? Baby Star? I found one!
Over here!
Yeah? Star?
Star! Oh, gee. Oh, Star.
SHE GURGLES
Hiya!
You're OK! You're OK. I know, I know. I know, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Seeing as Jock and me were the brains of the operation,
it was time for our brains to start operating.
Right, let's get this show on the road. I'll call Billy.
Right, we need you to get back to the shop now and distract Healy
for as long as possible.
Oh, thank God you found her. Oh!
And there's no sign of distress or physical harm or anything?
No, she's all right. Good. Thanks.
Isn't that Billy Murphy looking really suspicious?
Geez, I wonder what he's up to. You should check that out.
WHISPERS: We've got to go and take care of business now!
Oh, there you are. Billy, what are you doing here?
Well, you... You found the child, anyway.
That could have been a major incident.
HE CHUCKLES
Come here. Do you know, now, if I robbed this, right -
how much time do you think I'd actually get?
Put it down.
All right!
What about if I took this and this?
OK?
Now, what we're about to do now is what we call in our business
stock-taking, OK?
It's time to...
You know I have an issue with your mother. She's mean to me.
You know, the last time I called round, like, you know,
she just didn't make me welcome.
They all seem to be, like, lighting things, you know? For candles.
Candle burned out between yourself and Mairead, did it?
HE GIGGLES
Ooh! He's a bit sensitive to that.
I take you out every Friday night.
I took you out last week for... Look, I... Did I not buy you chips?
Getting a bit hot under the collar there, Healy. Ooh!
Do you like the longer motion or the slower motion?
I'm not. I'm tired of it. I'm a human too.
Would you say most people choose a life of crime,
or do they just fall into it?
But that's not my fault! I love you. Why, I...
We should be equals.
Bye, honey.
Oh, no!
It appears I've, er, been robbed!
Bollocks!
So what exactly happened? Well, where do I start?
The girlfriend rang me, I was on the phone to her, she rang me...
She rang... We talked, like, talking, and then I got distracted.
I... By the way, I love her. Gorgeous girl. Beautiful. Phew!
Great. Anyway, she rang me, right,
and I got distracted from my delivery duties, and I saw nothing -
I actually saw nothing.
Zero. Nothing. And then I just...
They must just have gone into thin air, like.
Keyser Soze!
The... The greatest trick the devil ever played is...
..wasn't him at all.
Wish I could help you, but I was with you all the time.
Those TVs, eh? Shocking, isn't it?
Shocking altogether.
Ah!
Hi! Hi!
Didn't think you'd be the papoose type!
Aye, I actually prefer it.
Like having her closer. Suits him, doesn't it?
I didn't miss you.
I didn't miss you either.
Fine. Yeah, it's great.
Come on. OK, OK...
See, as long as you don't take her outside the house,
it's not that hard. Oh, yeah. I'll bear that in mind.
What's that, Jock? Yeah. I didn't say any...thing...
Oh, sure, you can read it if you like.
Barry Walsh,
Best Principal of the Year.
Oh, put it away!
You're embarrassing me.
Look at that! Oh! Your grandad won that.
Your grandad! Well done, sir.
Thanks.
And whenever you want to take your daughter out for the day,
just let us know.
Yes! Oh, we had a great day, didn't we? Did you?
I found it very relaxing. Very relaxing? Very relaxing.
CONOR: We heard them saying on the radio
that the best way to invest your money these days is in gold,
so that's where we put all our profit from the heist.
Sometimes televisions get a bad rap.
If you ask me, they actually bring people together.
Fair play to Jock for getting us that discount from his friend.
I know! Wouldn't get a TV anywhere at this price,
even if it fell off the back of a truck!
Siobhan? Are you joining us?
What the fuck happened to my pram? Fuck's sake!
CONOR: And they go up pretty loud too!
Why the fuck is the back wheel missing?!
Yeah, all the way.
VOLUME GOES UP
And even if you don't have someone to share it with,
at least you can talk with the people inside the screen.
Ah, don't start crying. You'll have me crying and all in a minute.
Oh, great, now the floodgates have opened.
Definition on that TV is something else, isn't it?
Even when you lean closer, you still can't see the pixels.
I'm heading out for a walk with Star. See you later.
Bye. Later.
I can't believe you got it for such a big discount.
That TV looks perfect to me.
Aye, aye, just a...
..just a scratch on the base. It's probably cosmetic.
PHONE BUZZES
Fuck off.
As for Jock, now that he's allowed to take Star out on his own,
the last thing he wants to do is sit in front of a television with her,
where everything she learns is from strangers inside a box.
I learned most of the things I know about life from listening to Jock.
Look, look!
I got you some gold with your share too!
And now Star is going to benefit from that same wealth of knowledge.
See that over there? That's the Shandon bells.
Do you see that weather vane feature on top of that?
It's made of gold.
Well, I'm just saying,
some day, someone might get ideas about that.
You see, Star?
Everywhere you look, there's opportunity.