1 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:07,760 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,200 It's been four weeks now since Jock and me formed our 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,520 start-up bike-stealing company, and business has been fucking booming. 4 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,280 Have we been selling bikes for a month now? 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,040 We must be loaded. How much have we got? 6 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,600 I haven't balanced the accounts yet, but we must have shitloads, like. 7 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,640 Is that it? Where did it all go? 8 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:29,960 Void. 9 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,040 I suppose we did have a lot of overheads. 10 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,600 The problem with stealing bikes is it's a very inconsistent way 11 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,440 to earn a living. We need to find something to subsidise our earnings. 12 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,960 If we did our driving test, we could learn how to steal cars. 13 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,640 Can't do that. There's too many joyriders to compete with. 14 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,760 There's been an upside and a downside to the break-up 15 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,240 between me mam and Sergeant Healy. 16 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,840 The upside is he's not banging her any more. 17 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,960 The downside is he's got way too much fucking time on his hands. 18 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,640 I have you now, you little pricks! Bollocks! 19 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:13,120 Believe it or not, myself and Jock prepare for this kind of situation. 20 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,680 So our identities are kept incognito. 21 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:19,400 My name is Charles Faraday and I come from England. 22 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:23,880 And I'm George Montague, and I also come from England. 23 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,640 # Give him a ball and a yard of grass 24 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,920 # He'll give you a move with a perfect pass 25 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,800 # Give him a ball and a yard of space 26 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,360 I see Margaret cut her hedge again next door. 27 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,120 Carry on, continue as you were. 28 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,040 I haven't had a croquette in years. May I? Thank you! 29 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,280 # He's a nice young man, it's a lovely smile 30 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,480 # He's a nice young man, it's a lovely smile 31 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,320 # He's a nice young man, it's a lovely smile 32 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,200 Anyone else coming through? 33 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,760 Oh, no. Go on, go on, go on! 34 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,160 There really has to be an easier way to make money than this. 35 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,400 Con... 36 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,920 Jock and me nearly all have the same idea at the same time, 37 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,160 because we pretty much share the same brain. 38 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:37,240 It had better be good. All right, three, two, one... Is it good? Yeah. 39 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,680 Ta-da! 40 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,480 Well, where's the surprise? There's a big heap of shit in the way. 41 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,680 The surprise is the heap of shit. It's a chip van. 42 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:47,920 It's unreal, isn't it? 43 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,360 We spoke to the owner, he said 500 euros and it's all yours. 44 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,040 He didn't even charge us for the tenner of diesel in the tank. 45 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,440 He's a fierce nice fellow. 46 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,280 He practically just gave it away. You two want to run a chip van? 47 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,280 We are going to be businessmen. Entre pioneers. Entrepreneurs. 48 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,240 You should learn to say the word before you call yourselves that. 49 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,400 Entre... 50 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,040 ..pioneers. 51 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,240 Entre pioneers. 52 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,080 You should probably just stick to 53 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,000 calling yourselves dickheads for now. 54 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,000 We are going to be 100% independent, not relying on no-one. 55 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,240 We need you to drive the van, by the way. And pay for it. 56 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,200 We also need you to get free fish for our business, which is called... 57 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,040 Conor... Jock and... 58 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,800 Jock and... Conor... 59 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,920 BOTH: Conor and Jock's fish and chips. 60 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,560 You two want to run a business? You can't even run a bath. 61 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,720 That's just because the immersion is so hot, we keep burning ourselves. 62 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,840 And we were just eating our dinner, and they came running through, 63 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,680 and they took one of the croquettes. 64 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,200 I don't know. Did you notice anything about them physically? 65 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,280 Were they the same height, or what? 66 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,160 Well, the tall lanky fellow was wearing a white shell tracksuit, 67 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,640 and the short tubby fellow was wearing a blue shell tracksuit. 68 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,320 They were definitely English. 69 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,760 And I'd say by the sounds of it they came from money. 70 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:08,440 Billy's been dealing with getting dumped the traditional Irishman way. 71 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,320 First, drink shitloads of alcohol. 72 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:16,000 Then try and ride other women. Because you might even enjoy it. 73 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,240 Just a little bit. Or a big bit. 74 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,680 For the last time, I don't want to see yours, 75 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,520 and I'm not showing you mine. 76 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:31,520 And when that doesn't work, eat curry chips. Sorry, sorry. 77 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,680 All right. If you can think of anything else, let me know, all right? 78 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,240 Thanks very much. You have my direct phone number. 79 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,680 What are you doing here? It's a total coincidence. 80 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,480 No, not the same reason you're here. 81 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,720 Yeah, we were looking at a second-hand chip van. 82 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,200 Becoming businessmen. Businessmen? Yeah. What about school? 83 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,160 School's for dickheads. Do you know, if we were still together, 84 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,680 these two would still be finishing off their education, 85 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,320 not coming up with hare-brained business ideas. Is that right? 86 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:03,840 Yes, it is right. 87 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,920 It's actually been scientifically proven that 88 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,800 children who come from a... 89 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,120 Stable family environment have a much better chance of succeeding in life. 90 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,160 Are you saying I'm unstable? When we were together, you weren't unstable. 91 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,000 I think she's very stable. And how would you know? 92 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,440 Unstable people can't tell how stable they are. 93 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,800 They're too unstable. Un-fucking-believable. 94 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,920 Jock, are you hearing this? Sure am. 95 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,600 This coming from a man who chases kids on bikes for a living. 96 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,480 These two fellows are the very picture of stability. 97 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,440 And you see that woman there? 98 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:38,240 She's like a lighthouse in a sea of instability. 99 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,160 And we never hit a rock. Never. 100 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,160 Is being kicked out of school not a rock? 101 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,360 Getting a teenage girl pregnant not a rock? 102 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,520 What about having no future? 103 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,000 Is that not a rock? I could do with a rock right now. 104 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,240 When you're ready to take me back, we can fix all of this. 105 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,440 Fucking prick. Fucking prick. Fucking prick. 106 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,600 Heads! 107 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,360 Do you know how we can get back at this fucking prick? 108 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,960 How? 109 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,880 Imagine Healy's face if we turn this into an actual successful business. 110 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:18,760 Just look at it now. 111 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,120 Imagine it sitting there all sparkling and new looking. 112 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:27,440 And we are all wearing matching outfits, like proper chip-makers. 113 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,640 And then one day Healy walks up to the van. 114 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:36,520 He walks up and he's holding his stomach in pain. He is starving. 115 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,360 And all he wants is some fish and chips, 116 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,360 and he knows that you have the best fish and chips in all the city. 117 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:52,280 Oh, I'm Healy. I'm so hungry. Please, please can I have some food? 118 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,120 And you get that food. 119 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,800 You get a plate of the most delicious fish and chips you 120 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:03,000 could possibly make, and he's dripping, foaming from the mouth. 121 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,720 And you just look at him and say... 122 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:07,720 Go fuck yourself. 123 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,400 Exactly! 124 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,280 OK. Yes! 125 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,160 We do it together as a partnership. All right. 126 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,640 And we split the profits evenly, 127 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,720 so me and Conor get 60% and you get 40. 128 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,920 Done. 129 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,320 There's a spare seat. 130 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,480 Put that on the roof. 131 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,520 # My heart had a hunger for feelings of every kind 132 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,520 # Down through the years... 133 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,200 Righty tighty, lefty loosey, the wrong way. 134 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,560 # But I hadn't the time 135 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,040 Eesh! Fuck. 136 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,440 Come on, look on the bright side. 137 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,600 There's no bright side to a chip van full of dead rats. 138 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,840 They could be live ones. 139 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,520 That's your job, by the way. 140 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,280 See ya. 141 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,320 What's our job? 142 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,440 # You don't miss the water till the well runs dry 143 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,960 There was a dead fox in the freezer! 144 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,120 Rev it. I am revving it. 145 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,160 Are you using the pedal on the right-hand side? He is. 146 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,680 Your other right! 147 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,800 Why didn't you say that in the first place? 148 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,760 You beauty! 149 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,240 You need to use a little bit of elbow grease for that bit. 150 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,200 Where do I get that from? 151 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,120 Is that fun? 152 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,720 # The things that I left way behind... 153 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,040 I think it looks brilliant. I can see myself everywhere. 154 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,640 Fair play, lads. 155 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,400 # ..the water till the well runs dry 156 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,280 # And you've nothing left to show. # 157 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,840 I have work tomorrow, so the two of you can spend the day cleaning the outside. 158 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,040 See ya. 159 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,040 Division of labour. 160 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,720 Can you just do it? I'm not fucking doing it. You can do it. 161 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,200 How long have we been doing this for? About 10, 15 minutes. 162 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,480 That's never coming off. 163 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,960 I have a better idea. 164 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,800 What the fuck? 165 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,680 We wanted to do something that was eye-catching. 166 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,480 Pink is in. We looked it up on the internet. 167 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:06,440 No-one's going to take us seriously in a poxy pink chip van. The state of it! 168 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,920 Stand out and get us noticed. 169 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,080 Healy's going to laugh his arse off when he sees this. 170 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,880 Who cares what he thinks? 171 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,360 Not me. Exactly. What's the problem? 172 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,160 All right, mam? You sure you don't want your name up there as well? 173 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,240 No, thanks. It's not a problem. 174 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,320 We can probably fit it in between Jock's and fish. 175 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,320 No, honestly, it's all right. 176 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,200 Lads, this isn't going to pass first time, you know that? 177 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,640 We just send it in for a test and see what happens, all right? 178 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,440 I've got a pretty good feeling we might pass first time. 179 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,440 I've got the same good feeling. 180 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,240 These guys are picky fuckers. It's going to take two or three goes. 181 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,720 And I bet my life on that. 182 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,120 Here you go. Clean bill of health. 183 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,080 You might want to keep an eye on the back tyres. 184 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,000 The treads are starting to get worn. Thank you. 185 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,000 What did I tell you? I knew we'd pass first time. 186 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,760 Those were her exact words, yeah. 187 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:20,160 It turns out, to run a business, you need to know stuff about business. 188 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:25,200 In business, your net profit is the money you make minus your costs. 189 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,440 If someone was in, let's just say, the bicycle business, 190 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:34,360 and they could get bikes at a very low cost. How low? 191 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,560 Very low, total bargain, practically free. 192 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:43,600 Like, what you sell the bikes for minus what you paid for them, 193 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,160 that's called your profit. 194 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:53,280 So... The less you pay for something, the more profit you get? 195 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,360 Exactly! There you go. 196 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,680 You're not as stupid as you look, you know that? 197 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,320 So let's just try and get the potatoes and fish for free, then. 198 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,800 Well, no, cos that's stealing. 199 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,200 Yeah, we can't do that. Oh, we can't do that, no. 200 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,040 I didn't know you could cook fish. 201 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,600 I've been a fishmonger my entire life, you pleb. 202 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,640 Then how come you never made fish for me at home? 203 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,120 Cos you only ate chicken and bread. 204 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,600 All right. Continue. OK. 205 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,000 Next, I need you to wear these. 206 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,360 Wait, is this really necessary, like? 207 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,000 I can't remember the last time I ate chips without hair on them. 208 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,280 Well, we're going to raise the bar, then, aren't we? 209 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,320 All right. Health and Safety is really important. 210 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,040 Are ye listening? 211 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,280 Yeah. 212 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,080 And no touching yourselves at work. 213 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,760 What's that supposed to mean? 214 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,600 The number one rule of running a chip van, right, is no smoking. 215 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,400 Fags and fat equals fire. 216 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,680 Fags and fat equals fire, yeah? 217 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:55,720 Repeat that now. 218 00:12:55,720 --> 00:13:00,680 BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire. Fags and fat equals fire. 219 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,360 BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire. Say what? 220 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,840 Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire. 221 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280 Fags and fat equals fire, fire, 222 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280 fire, fire. 223 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280 HE BANGS SURFACE 224 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:11,600 Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire. Yeah, you've got it now. It's cool. 225 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,640 Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire, fire. 226 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,120 And fags, and fags and fags and fags and fags and fags and fags 227 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,160 and fags and fags and fags and.... 228 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,120 Fire, fire, fire, fire. 229 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,600 Fags and fat equals fire, fire... 230 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,840 I'll give you a fucking clout now if you don't stop. 231 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,320 Battle stations. 232 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,560 All right, lads? Can I get one fish and chips, please? 233 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,800 Just one of you do it. Just one of you. 234 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,040 Jesus Christ, ask her for money, will you? 235 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,680 Er, seven euros, please, madam. 236 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:54,880 I only have ten. 237 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,320 Here. 238 00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,600 It's seven, I'm afraid. 239 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,040 Hang on a sec, hang on a sec. 240 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,440 Three for you. 241 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,520 OK. Enjoy the fish now, yeah? 242 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,880 This is unreal! 243 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,440 Unreal. 244 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,520 Really? 245 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,160 Luscious. Unreal/luscious. 246 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,480 Told you. Unreal/luscious. 247 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,880 That's us. Nice one. Unreal/luscious. Try five. 248 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,400 WHIRRING 249 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,200 You going to give us a hand, or what? 250 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,280 I've got shit on the bottom of my shoe. 251 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,440 Do you want me dragging it into the chip van? 252 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,920 Didn't think so. 253 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,120 WHIRRING STOPS 254 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,040 I thought I told you to stop coming round unannounced. 255 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,440 You used to like when I called round unannounced. 256 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,440 Yeah, well, that was before I realised 257 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,200 you're a fucking weirdo stalker. 258 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,400 I am not a weirdo stalker. 259 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,600 All right? I'm just here to collect the rest of my things. 260 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,640 Fine. 261 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:01,960 DOOR OPENS 262 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,040 Wait, is this yours? 263 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,640 Yeah. 264 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,760 You haven't been putting it in your mouth, have you? 265 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,000 No. 266 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,720 Putting other people's toothbrush in your mouth is very unhygienic. 267 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,960 DOOR OPENS 268 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,400 Watch, he's going camping. 269 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:28,680 SHE CHUCKLES 270 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,200 HE LAUGHS 271 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,680 Do you know I... 272 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,040 When I broke up with Linda, 273 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,400 she left me with a fair taste of shit in my mouth. 274 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,640 SHE SNICKERS 275 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,200 Did you notice that, Mam, 276 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,800 when you broke up with Healy? 277 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,040 Yeah, I had an awful taste of shit in my mouth. 278 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,600 THEY SNIGGER 279 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,680 Slainte. 280 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,480 Nothing, I just have something stuck between my teeth. 281 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,720 Mairead, I think that taste in your mouth you're referring to 282 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,160 is bitterness. 283 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,200 And once you get past it, 284 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:06,080 you'll realise that what's best for those two boys is us. 285 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,360 Together. 286 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,240 Stability. 287 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,480 Is that right? 288 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,120 Yeah, well, they just had their first day working in the chip van 289 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,840 and I have to say, I was impressed. 290 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:15,920 Oh, yeah? 291 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,200 What was your turnover? 292 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,360 I turned over, like, one fish, 293 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,680 Jock turned over two. 294 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,360 Two fish? 295 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,120 Yeah, well, our turnover is going to be something else 296 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,800 at the Cork City match tomorrow. 297 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,720 Ooh, you sure they're ready for that now? 298 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,080 Thousands of hungry fans. 299 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:36,080 Could be made or break for Conor'n'Jock's Fish'n'Chips. 300 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,520 They're ready. 301 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,520 All right. Well, I'm working on the match, too, so... 302 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:41,960 ..I'll see you there. 303 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,160 Can't wait. 304 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,000 Would you like a mint? 305 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,840 Mam, are you sure we're ready for that? 306 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:58,840 Yeah. 307 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,200 Yeah. 308 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,480 The key to being successful at football matches with your chip van 309 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,800 is get there early and beat the other idiots to the best spot. 310 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,720 We're fucking 45 minutes late. 311 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,880 Like, what were you doing in the shower for that long? 312 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,240 Same thing everyone does in the shower for that long - 313 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,280 having a wank. 314 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,960 Oh, you two should start wearing flip-flops next time, by the way. 315 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,160 HE CHUCKLES 316 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,480 Come on. Chop chop, chop, chop, chop, chop... 317 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,160 TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for the second half. 318 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,760 CROWD CLAMOUR WHISTLE BLOWS 319 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,040 OK, so, look, we missed the half-time rush, right? 320 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,920 But with any luck, Cork City are going to lose 321 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,800 and hopefully the supporters are going to want to drown their sorrows 322 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,920 in fish and chips. So huddle up, huddle up. 323 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,880 All right. 324 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,880 CROWD CHEER OUTSIDE 325 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,160 Now, I know we all have our weaknesses. 326 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,920 Jock isn't good up front, Conor's not great with the hygiene, 327 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,080 but if we play to our strengths 328 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,920 and don't let them on the other side of the counter rattle us, 329 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,360 I think we can get a really good result out there today. 330 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,400 Yes, gaffer. All right. 331 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,280 TANNOY BOOMS 332 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,720 APPLAUSE 333 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,000 Mam. 334 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,920 SHOUTING 335 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,480 Oh, Christ. Well, they're fish and chips... 336 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,320 Give us a bag of chips and two sausages. 337 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:17,720 We don't serve fucking sausages. 338 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,800 Conor, you can't swear at the fucking customers. 339 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,040 You just fucking swore at me. 340 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,920 We can fucking swear at each other, but not at the fucking customers. 341 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,640 All right, sorry! Sorry, what will it be? 342 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,040 A bag of chips and two fucking sausages. 343 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,480 We don't serve fucking sausages. 344 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,120 What the fuck, Conor? 345 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,680 Fine. A fucking fish, so. And drown the bastard in salt. 346 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:36,800 Right. Say when. 347 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,200 When. 348 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,800 Yeah, Con, what's your mum doing here? 349 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,440 Oh, she's a... My business partner. 350 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,960 Could you just stop standing round like a spare pair of pricks 351 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,320 and actually do some work, like? 352 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,320 Yeah, should have got a silent partner, love. 353 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,560 THEY LAUGH 354 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,120 Ha-ha, funny. 355 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,680 THEY SHOUT INDISTINCTLY 356 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,000 Four pieces of cod. Come on, will you? 357 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,320 Sorry, Mam. Sorry! 358 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,800 THEY SHOUT 359 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,320 You haven't set it up properly. 360 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480 THEY SHOUT 361 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480 Get me a fucking...! 362 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,760 Quickly, will you? For fuck's sake, what are you doing? 363 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,760 We're fucking trying, aren't we? Look! 364 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,160 Give me a fucking tenner. Did you change the gas cylinder? 365 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,200 BOTH: I'm fucking sorry! I'm trying my best! 366 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,040 Checking to see how you guys are getting on. 367 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,240 Sorry, Sergeant, no special treatment for the Garda. 368 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,920 You have to queue up like everybody else. 369 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,720 SHOUTING DROWNS SPEECH 370 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,480 I think something's wrong with these here. Why? 371 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,680 They're soggy. 372 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,600 The oil isn't hot enough. 373 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,800 What do you mean? 374 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,720 THEY SCREAM 375 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:49,760 How did you do that? 376 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:50,920 Is that a fake hand? 377 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,640 It's gone cold. Did you change the gas cylinder? 378 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,000 Er... 379 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,800 I asked you to do one fucking thing. 380 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:57,840 One thing? 381 00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,160 More like 100 fucking things. 382 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,280 Well, how were we supposed to decipher what order 383 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,960 to do all your fucking orders in, like? 384 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,000 Well, then, what are you waiting for? Just change the gas cylinder! 385 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,680 I'll change it! 386 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,400 Jesus. 387 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,120 Sorry, folks. Just bear with us for, like, 15 minutes 388 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,640 and then we'll reheat the oil, yeah? 389 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:14,800 15 minutes? 390 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,440 Fuck that. 391 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,720 CROWD: Aw! 392 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,040 Fuck. 393 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,520 It's ready. 394 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,560 Oh, great. 395 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,880 Why don't we just serve all the no-people in the queue. 396 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,840 Turn off the gas, will you? 397 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,200 Four words, Mairead. 398 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,920 I told you... 399 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,280 Well, you know the last one. 400 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,760 So. 401 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,280 Pick that up. 402 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,680 The boys weren't ready for it. 403 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,280 I think, personally, we should have 404 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,000 a PTA meeting about our business. Yeah, I agree. 405 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,640 A parent-teacher meeting? 406 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,280 No, it's a partnership meeting, like. 407 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,760 Partnership? 408 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,680 You made me look like a dickhead all day. 409 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,600 I could have done everything out there myself. 410 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,200 All right, Miss High-Almighty, 411 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,440 here, this chip van wouldn't even be on the roll if it wasn't for us. 412 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:21,800 Oh, really? How come? 413 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,240 How do you think we passed the DOE? 414 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,360 How? 415 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,160 The same way that we get our free satellite television. 416 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,360 You bribed a government official? 417 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,320 BOTH: Yes. We did. Oh, my God. 418 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,240 And, do you know, Mairead? A little bit of gratitude wouldn't go astray. 419 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,320 Yeah. Gratitude?! 420 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,200 Yes. Gra-ti-tude. 421 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,080 So, in your own time, we'd like a thank you. 422 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,680 ENGINE SPLUTTERS 423 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,560 Oh, God! Fuck! For fuck's sake. 424 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,040 Fuck! Fuck's sake! 425 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,440 Did you not put fucking oil in the engine? That was my fault? 426 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,640 You failed the NCT and got a fake document... Oh, Jesus Christ! We did this...! 427 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,360 You were supposed to... Oh, yeah, it's our fault! Yeah, yeah, yeah. 428 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,040 Who the fuck is this? 429 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:06,440 If you're not going anywhere, any chance of a fish supper? 430 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:07,960 ALL: Fuck off! 431 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,320 Fuck off. 432 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:21,600 No. 433 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,880 Yeah, I can fix it. 434 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,840 But between parts and labour, it's going to cost 1,000 euros. 435 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:30,920 And even after that, 436 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,320 I can't guarantee it's going to pass the DOE. 437 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,520 It'll pass the DOE. Shut up, Jock. 438 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,880 How much will you give me if I scrap it? 439 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,040 What? You can't sell it - 440 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,360 we're partners. We need to make this decision together. 441 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,480 The partnership is over. 442 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,600 I paid for this heap of shit 443 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,400 and I want to see what I can get back for it. 444 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,640 How much will you give me? 445 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,360 Yeah, well, most of it is useless, 446 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,280 but I'll give you 200 euros for the engine. 447 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,000 Perfect. We don't need an engine. 448 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,800 And now, I've heard it all. 449 00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,560 We don't need an engine? 450 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:00,960 It's a fucking chip van, like. 451 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,960 How are we supposed to get to our customers? 452 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,000 We have a plan. 453 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,120 Is it as stupid as it was to buy the chip van in the first place? 454 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,600 We'll pretend we didn't hear that one. 455 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,080 That prick, Tony, was right. 456 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,560 I am unstable. 457 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,480 And now, because of me, you're both unstable. 458 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,320 You've no direction and you're just latching onto every idiotic idea 459 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,440 that comes into your unstable heads. 460 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,920 We're all un-fucking-stable. 461 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,760 And I'm the lighthouse, yeah? Just like you said. 462 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,680 In a sea of instability. 463 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,080 Because my light's gone out. 464 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,600 Your mum having a stroke? 465 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,720 You two fucking idiots are just crashing into these rocks, 466 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,680 these giant rocks, and you're sinking and you're drowning. 467 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,120 Er, will you give us a minute? 468 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,600 FOOTSTEPS RECEDING 469 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:02,880 We are... 470 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,360 Your light's not gone out, Mam. 471 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,200 It's shining strong and bright. 472 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:13,840 Since we're all speaking in metaphors, here's another one. 473 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:17,480 We were watching this science thing on YouTube the other day 474 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:22,280 and it said if you put a monkey in front of a typewriter... 475 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,520 No, no, it needs to be an immortal monkey. 476 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,120 Ah, yeah. It said if you put an immortal...an immortal monkey 477 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,360 in front of a typewriter... 478 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,760 An immortal monkey? Like, where are you going with this? 479 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,320 No, you... Just listen to this, actually. This is a good one. 480 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,520 You tell the immortal monkey to write 481 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,040 the complete works of Shakespeare. He will. 482 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,160 I don't... I don't get it. 483 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,960 Oh, wait, no. No, no, no, you got it wrong. 484 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,160 Right. 485 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,960 You have to ask the immortal monkey to write for eternity, OK? 486 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:48,640 Yeah. And then after a while - 487 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,120 probably a long while... Yeah. 488 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:55,080 ..by pure perseverance, he will eventually get it done. Exactly. 489 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,640 He'll do it. Because he's immortal. 490 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,920 He's some sort of, like, god-monkey and if you keep 491 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,520 at something for long enough, you never quit, never... Never. 492 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,080 ..ever quit, then you will eventually achieve 493 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,840 the thing that you wanted to do. 494 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,240 And that's what we are. 495 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:12,160 We're the immortal monkeys that never give up. 496 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,520 And we learned from the biggest monkey of all of them. 497 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,920 Our mamma monkey. 498 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,400 Our mamma monkey. 499 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:24,960 We never quit. 500 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,400 Aren't I? 501 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,840 OK, well, like, we don't have 1,000 euro to fix it. 502 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,160 We do have a plan. 503 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,000 It's a bit unconvenient, but... 504 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,680 He means inconventional. 505 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,840 Unconventional. 506 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,000 Yeah. Yeah, OK. 507 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,240 SHE LAUGHS 508 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,320 MUSIC: Praise You by Fatboy Slim 509 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:07,760 THEY CHEER 510 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,120 CHEERING 511 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,640 Not many things can bring a community together, but it turns out 512 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,760 Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's Fish'n'Chips 513 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,120 happens to be one that can. 514 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,480 Roll up, roll up! 515 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,560 Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's Fish'n'Chips 516 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,520 is back in business! 517 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,280 THEY CHEER 518 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,680 Quality fish and chips made by Cork's finest fryer! 519 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,640 THEY CHEER 520 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,680 Right, what do you want? 521 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,160 One kids portion of fish and chips. Crispy as fuck, please! 522 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,200 Order up! 523 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:53,320 Do you want vinegar? 524 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:57,400 There you are, sir. 525 00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,000 Some chips and two fish and chips. 526 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,360 Fish and chips. 527 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,800 THEY SHOUT 528 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,080 Order up! 529 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,160 I love the crinkly ones. 530 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,280 Yeah, I know. 531 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,160 You're some sexy, greasy bastard. 532 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,160 That's my fella! Yeah, I think you left your tongue in his mouth. 533 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,120 THEY LAUGH 534 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,640 We're going to move them wankers out. 535 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,520 Do me a favour here, lads. 536 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:32,600 Let this one go. 537 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:38,120 THEY CHEER 538 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,400 All right. Cheers, man! 539 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:48,960 She's only just come in. 540 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:51,960 She was on facey. Mmm. 541 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,600 SHE SIGHS 542 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,520 Right, that was the last customer. 543 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,360 And we made 400 quid today. 544 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,600 Do you know what? 545 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,560 No matter what happens, I think you monkeys are going to be all right. 546 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,040 Oh, shit. 547 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,080 What? 548 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,840 Oh, Jesus, there's a fire! Someone call the Fire Brigade! 549 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:19,040 Fuck! Shit! 550 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,800 I think I may have left my cigarette in the ashtray. 551 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,600 FIRE ROARS 552 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,120 Where was the ashtray, Mairead? 553 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:27,200 Next to the fryer. 554 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,240 And what was your... 555 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,520 What was your number one rule for running a chip van, now, Mam? 556 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,320 No smoking. 557 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,400 Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What was that? 558 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:37,880 No smoking! 559 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:38,920 BOTH: No smoking. 560 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:43,720 Because fat plus fags equals... 561 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:44,760 Fire. 562 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,000 SIRENS WAIL 563 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,000 Fire. 564 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,960 Burn on. 565 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,280 All right, well, I always fancied getting a Chinese thing. 566 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,040 Bah! Bah? All right.